I Dream of Jeannie (1965–1970): Season 4, Episode 12 - Jeannie, My Guru - full transcript
Tony picks up a hitchhiking hippie named Suzy who is on the lam from her authoritarian father, who not only happens to be Tony's new commanding officer, General Winfield Schaffer, but who is also Tony's new neighbor. Unfortunately, Suzy decides to hide out at Tony's house and finds out about Jeannie. However, the worst is yet to come as Suzy blackmails Tony into letting her spaced out boyfriend Harold, who Schaffer doesn't approve of, hide out at his house or else she will spill the beans about Jeannie.
[♪]
Hi. Hop in.
Thanks, baby.
Dig you later.
Hey, wait a minute.
What's this all about?
[HORN HONKING]
Go, man. Light's, like, green.
Huh? Well...
[HORN HONKING]
All right. Okay.
Where do we go?
Straight, man, straight.
Okay.
My name's, um, Anthony Nelson.
What's yours?
Amarantha Swarupinanda.
TONY [CHUCKLING]:
What?
Oh, I took my name
from my last incarnation.
I was an Indian princess.
Congratulations.
Now, this is as far as I go.
I just live around the bend.
[♪]
Open the door.
What?
Open the door, please.
Hey, what's the matter?
It's crisis time, baby.
Open the door!
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, sure.
Well, there you are.
Hey, hey, what's
all this about, huh?
Cool it, baby, cool it.
Major.
Major.
Yes, sir.
You're Major Nelson?
Yes, sir. I am.
I'm General Winfield Schaeffer,
your new neighbor.
Oh. I didn't know
you were moving
into the neighborhood, sir.
Oh, well, uh,
I'm looking for my daughter.
Oh.
[♪]
[♪]
[♪]
Yeah, she's only 17.
She was to have met me
here an hour ago.
She's very susceptible.
It's a dangerous age, 17,
Nelson.
Indeed it is, sir, yes.
Hippies.
That's why I brought her
to Cocoa Beach
where there's none
of that nonsense.
[CHUCKLING] Yes.
If you see her,
let me know, will you?
I will do that. Yes, sir.
Carry on.
Hey. Um...
Something wrong, major?
No.
No, everything's fine, sir.
[ENGINE STARTS]
[♪]
All right, young lady.
Come on out.
Thanks, maj.
You were groovy.
[CHUCKLING] Yeah.
Hey.
Oh, well, don't let
Pops shake you.
He's just a little square.
[CHUCKLING] Yeah, sure.
What's the idea
of the quick change?
Freedom, baby, freedom.
You know, if military schools
accepted girls,
I'd be wearing a uniform.
So we just keep the real me
out of sight, right?
Wrong. I'm taking you
to your father
before this goes any further.
Master.
Yah.
Oh! Oh, I am sorry.
I did not know you had company.
Where'd she come from?
Who's she?
Oh, I'm Majo...
She's my housekeeper.
In that groovy, hippie outfit?
Major, you're with it.
"With it"?
One of us.
Gee, you had me scared
there for a minute.
I thought you were gonna
turn out to be a fink.
I am gonna turn out
to be a fink. Yes, I am.
You're putting me on.
How can you turn me in
as a hippie
when you're going with a hippie?
[CHUCKLING]
Oh, Jeannie is not a hippie.
Heh. Yeah, yeah.
So, like, um,
I'll keep your secret
and you keep mine, right?
I think that's a very good idea.
Peace, beautiful people.
[LAUGHS UNEASILY]
Oh, is that not
a lovely thought, master?
Peace.
I think we're in for war.
Tony. Oh, hi, Jeannie.
Oh, have I got
terrible news for you.
A general just
moved in next door.
A general just
moved in next door.
Yeah. And he's got a daughter
named Suzie that's seen Jeannie.
Uh-oh.
My master told her
I was the housekeeper.
[GIGGLES]
Is that not clever?
I don't know about his daughter,
but the general is
a holy terror.
He's in charge
of military discipline
for the whole NASA installation.
He goes around
shaking everybody up.
Shaking...
Did you hear that?
He goes from base to base
shaking everybody up.
So, major, how's it going?
Oh!
What are you doing here?
This... This is
the general's daughter?
Is he cool?
JEANNIE:
Oh, yes,
he is my master's best friend.
Peace, baby.
Always happy to meet
another beautiful person.
Listen, if your father
finds you here,
I'm gonna be in a lot...
Oh, stay loose, maj.
Pop thinks I'm asleep.
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
Oh, that makes everything fine.
Thinks she's asleep.
Yeah.
Welcome to the crash pad,
people. Come on in.
[CROWD CHATTERING]
[TONY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
A house party, man.
A housewarming.
Yeah, but it's my house!
Oh, I know, major.
We couldn't have it at my pad.
Not with Daddy there.
What's with him?
Harold's on a hunger strike.
What for?
No bread, man. No bread.
[EXHALES]
Say, listen. Uh, you've gotta
get rid of these people.
I mean...
I'm not kidding.
[BAND PLAYING ROCK MUSIC]
[SHOUTING]
Hey, hold it down, will ya?
[ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES]
BAND:
♪ I know ♪
♪ You're so pretty ♪
♪ Temperature's risin' ♪
♪ On the city ♪
♪ And I'm cryin' ♪
♪ In the dawn ♪
Hold it. Please.
Come on. Please.
♪ I walk to the corner ♪
♪ Turn around Come back again ♪
♪ There's no place to go ♪
♪ No place I ain't been ♪
♪ In the city ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Whoa, oh ♪
♪ Lonely city ♪
♪ I wander ♪
♪ I don't want the day
Turn around ♪
♪ Gimme that sundown ♪
♪ So bring on the sundown ♪
♪ Bring on the night ♪
♪ So I can lose myself ♪
♪ In the light of the downtown ♪
♪ In the city ♪
♪ Oh, baby
Lonely city... ♪
Hey, could you
hold it down, please.
Ah. Heh.
Fellas. Yes.
Oof.
[SCREAMS]
Love.
Love.
Love.
HIPPIE:
Man, that's poetry.
Could you get him out of here?
HIPPIE: Can't, man. Once he starts
meditating, there's no way.
Love.
Now, look, ladies.
Oh, sorry. Um...
Hey. Would you quiet down,
please?
It's my neighbors.
You...
Hey... Hey.
Hey... Hey, could you
cool it? Cool it?
Would you cut it... My neighbors
are gonna... Hey, would you...?
Hey, man, don't spoil
my trip, baby.
Fellas, please!
Roger, remember
who you are, will you?
What a great-sounding
garbage can.
Hey. Suzie.
Suzie, would you, please...
It is I, master.
Is this not fun?
Would you take that
silly outfit off, please?
Oh, but, master, it is my thing.
[SHOUTING] Please, quiet!
BAND:
♪ Bring on the sundown... ♪
[MOUTHING WORDS]
♪ So I can lose myself
In the light... ♪
What in blazes
is going on in there
in the middle of the night?
Uh, going on, sir?
I am waiting for an answer.
Somebody should have warned you
before you moved in.
Warned me?
That you have
ear-splitting parties
in the middle of the week?
It's not here, sir.
It's the house behind us.
Very noisy people. I've been
putting up with them for years.
The house behind you?
Yes.
Major, that horrible noise
is coming from right in there.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]
An ice-cream truck
playing rock
at 3:00 in the morning?
I can't hear you, sir.
Of course you can't hear me
with that infernal racket.
I'm sorry, major.
I think I picked
the wrong neighborhood
to move into.
Will you stop the music?
Hey, will you...?
Fella? Hey?
[LAUGHING]
Will you stop the music?
It's 4... It's...
Do you know what time it is?
Will you just cut the music out.
Ah. Oh.
At ease, major.
Thank you, sir.
Dr. Bellows tells me
that you're an exemplary...
[SIGHING]
...officer.
Oh, Dr. Bellows...
General Schaeffer wants
a chaperon for his daughter
when he's away from Cocoa Beach.
Oh, a chaperon, sir.
You will escort Suzanne
to museums,
concerts
and other cultural events.
It will keep her out of trouble.
Um, sir, I'm kind
of tied up in a project...
And you will see that this
person never comes near her.
Who is it, sir?
It's a...
It calls itself Harold.
It's a dirty, filthy,
disreputable hippie.
And if he ever comes near
Suzie again, I'll kill him.
Do you get the message?
Yes, sir.
I get the message.
Love.
Love.
Love.
Love.
Isn't it gassy?
That's Harold's latest new poem.
Oh, it is beautiful.
But... But do you not think we
should get him something to eat?
He does not look well.
Well, he punishes
himself for art.
I was just a square
until I met Harold.
He made me what I am today.
Love.
TONY:
Jeannie!
Love...
Oh, here we are, master.
TONY:
Hi, listen, I...
Maj, meet your new roommate.
TONY:
Harold.
Young man, would you...?
Would you just...?
I don't want to interfere in
your private life, young lady,
but, uh, your father told me
I had to chaperon you
all over Cocoa Beach.
Oh, that's groovy, maj.
We can double date.
You and Jeannie,
and Harold and me.
Yeah. No. Not...
Not Harold. He's out.
If... If your father even
sees you with Harold,
he's gonna skin you alive.
And me too, for allowing it.
No, I'll never give up Harold!
He's my guru.
You're gonna have
to forget your guru...
Master?
What?
Master, the general
just drove up
and I think he is coming here.
He's coming here?
In the kitchen.
Are you sure he's coming here?
Yes, master.
You're certain?
In the kitchen too.
Yes, master.
Harold, you get...
Master! Oh...
Oh... Oh, master.
Yes, what day is it?
Pick yourself up and act
like a man, will you?
Huh?
Harold?
I want you to get him out
of here. Will you?
Quickly, get him out.
Uh... Uh.
Do you understand me? Huh?
Good. Good. In the kitchen.
Yes, master.
Now, don't panic.
No, master.
Right.
Ah-whoo.
You are so clever, master.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
SCHAEFFER:
Major.
Major...
Major Nelson.
Yes, sir. Right here, sir.
Oh, major.
I just came over to tell you
that I am leaving town tomorrow
for a couple of days.
And, uh, while I'm gone
I'm holding you responsible
for my daughter's welfare.
Yes, sir.
I understand, sir.
And remember what
I said about Harold.
Oh, you don't have
to worry about that, sir.
You can count on... Aah.
HAROLD: Aah!
What was that?
Oh, I just skinned my knuckles.
Shut the door on my hand.
Silly of me. Don't you worry
about your daughter, sir.
Uh, you can depend on me.
I hope so, major.
I... Uh... Uh...
[GROANS]
[GIGGLING]
[EXHALES]
Jeannie.
That was the most transcendental
experience of my life.
Oh, jeez...
Jeannie did it.
She just blinked
and you disappeared.
Nelson.
Oh, great guru,
tell us of your wisdom.
Oh, how nice.
Uh, yes, that's it. Uh, you see,
Jeannie is a student
of Eastern mysticism,
and all she had
to do was concentrate
and just willed him
into the closet.
[GIGGLING] Oh, master.
I will spend the rest
of my life at your feet.
Not here you won't. You're going
out in the back door this time.
You're not throwing
Harold out, maj.
Oh, yes, I am.
This is my house.
Remember that.
What would Daddy say if he knew
your girlfriend was a guru?
[MUTTERING]
You wouldn't do a thing
like that, would you?
SUZIE:
Of course not, maj.
Not as long
as you behave yourself.
All together now. Love!
Love.
ALL:
Love. Love.
Master?
What?
How is this?
That's terrible.
Come on.
Huh?
We're late.
Oh.
[♪]
Huh? Wha...?
Let's go, maj.
We're all set.
[JEANNIE SQUEALS]
What have you done to my car?
Oh, I think it is
very artistic, master.
Look at this thing.
It just...
Look at this mess.
We're not going anyplace
in this thing. That's for sure.
Okay, I guess Harold and I
will just have
to go call my father.
Get in.
[CAN CLATTERS]
[ENGINE STARTS]
[♪]
BELLOWS:
Major Nelson.
Oh, my darling master.
Stop. Eh, Dr. Bellows.
Huh? Oh.
Major Nelson. What are you doing
in this ridiculous-looking...
Oh, heh, heh. I beg
your pardon. I'm sorry.
I... I thought
you were someone else.
Peace, baby.
[♪]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
Oh, well, excuse me, uh.
Yes, sir.
Oh, uh, um, Major Nelson,
you didn't happen
to be in the neighborhood
of, uh, Palm and Main Street
yesterday afternoon, did you?
Uh, Palm and Main?
Mm.
Um...
Well, I... I saw this car
with, uh, "make love, not war"
painted on it, and I...
I could have sworn
you were driving.
Palm and Main.
Is that right?
I know it sounds
ridiculous, but, uh...
[HORN HONKING] Well...
ROGER:
Tony! Tony.
Hey, Tony.
The paint shop can't take
your car until Monday.
Thanks, Roge.
What'd he say?
Huh?
Major Healey.
Major!
TONY:
I have an explanation, sir.
BELLOWS: I'm sure you have.
I'm sure it's a good one.
Now, Major Nelson,
I've got to find out
what this is all about.
Major Healey...
Get this off me!
"Make love, not war."
What's the meaning
of this, major?
Oh, general.
Uh, the, uh, this...
Is this your idea
of a joke, Healey?
Actually, sir, this isn't mine...
Are you some kind
of an overaged hippie?
Sir, actually, I'm one
of the youngest...
I see that I'm going
to have to make
some changes around here.
That's fine, sir.
I'll be running along.
No, you don't, major.
No, I don't, major.
I have a special little
assignment for you.
Yes, sir.
MAN [OVER RADIO]:
Roger.
Oh. Oh, William,
you still awake?
[YAWNING]
I'm drifting off, Roge.
Tell me another joke.
Oh, yeah. Another joke.
I'm running out
of elephant jokes.
Let me see. What do you
get when you cross
an elephant with a jar
of peanut butter?
I don't know.
What do you get?
[DOOR OPENS]
TONY:
Uh, Roge.
Hey. Heh.
I'm sorry about that thing
with Schaeffer and the car.
Oh, that's all right.
Nothing I'd rather do
than sit up all night telling
Williams dumb elephant jokes.
[YAWNING] What do you get
when you cross an elephant
with a jar of peanut butter?
I'd like to stick around
and help you out,
but Suzie ordered me back
to the house in half an hour.
What do you mean,
she ordered you?
She's got me over a barrel.
If I don't do
everything she says,
she's gonna tell
her father about Jeannie.
It could be worse. You could
sit here all night telling
dumb elephant jokes.
In fact, do you know
any elephant jokes?
I really haven't
got time for it.
I'll see you later.
You all right?
Huh?
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
What?
Just tell me any joke.
Sorry, Suzie.
It's out of the question.
Oh, but, maj, Harold won't
be any trouble.
He hardly eats anything
and you've got
plenty of room in your pad.
TONY:
Absolutely not.
Well, it'll just be
for a little while.
Until we get married.
Married? You and Harold
are gonna get married?
Have you mentioned this
to your father?
Uh-uh. That's what
you're going to do.
Me? I'm gonna...
My dear girl,
wild horses couldn't get me to
mention Harold to your father.
I think that I would rather...
♪ I dream of Jeannie ♪
♪ With the light blond hair ♪
[♪]
My daughter marry
an unwashed hippie?
Are you out of your mind?!
Yes, sir, I think...
I think I must be.
He's not such a bad guy, sir.
If you'd just meet him.
You know, just talk to him.
Get out of here
before I lose my temper.
Yes, sir. I wouldn't want you
to lose your temper.
Wait.
I have something for you to do.
MAN [OVER RADIO]:
You're driving me up the wall.
What happens
when you cross an elephant
with a jar of peanut butter?
We're trying to remember...
We're trying to remember, Joe.
Would you tell him the joke?
We've only got
another hour here.
Just tell him
the joke, will you?
I don't know the joke.
I don't even remember
telling him any kind of a...
I'm so tired
I can't remember any jokes.
Oh.
Huh?
My poor master.
Is there anything
I can do to help?
Yes. Would you, please...?
Would you tell me what happens
when you cross an elephant
with a... A jar of peanut butter.
Oh, that is easy.
Yeah.
You get a jar of peanut butter
with a long memory
or an elephant that sticks
to the roof of your mouth.
[LAUGHING]
[JOE SNORING OVER RADIO]
That was it, Joe.
[♪]
[DOOR CLOSES]
[YAWNS]
[SNORING]
Nelson.
Nelson, are you in there?
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
[KNOCKING RESUMES]
SCHAEFFER:
Nelson, open the door.
[KNOCKING CONTINUES]
SCHAEFFER: Nelson.
Uh, what?
Oof.
Major Nelson. Major.
What is it? What... Whoa.
What took so long?
I've been knocking
for five minutes.
Uh, heh, uh, well, I was, uh...
I was just trying
to get to sleep, sir.
What are you doing?
[YAWNING]
I was just stretching, sir.
I was trying to wake up.
I've been asleep.
Would you like a cup of orange
juice or a glass of coffee?
I don't want any coffee.
I want a full report on
your assignment last night.
Oh, my assignment.
What was I doing last night?
Oh, yes. Roger and I were...
Will you let that door go.
No!
TONY: Ah, oh, yes, sir.
Let me see.
Roger and I were, um, ah...
We were working...
Harold!
[CRASHING]
Daddy.
TONY:
Sir, are you all right?
Harold's here?
Ah, not here.
Ah, well, Nelson, I warned you.
Where is he? I'll kill him!
Not in here. No... Aaah!
[♪]
Harold?
How do you do, sir?
I'm very glad to make
your acquaintance.
That's Harold?
That's Harold?
That's Harold.
That's Harold.
I do not understand it, master.
After all the trouble we went to
to get General Schaeffer
to accept Harold,
Suzie suddenly decides that she
does not like him any longer.
Well, I'll never
understand women.
And that goes double
for teenagers.
Oh, I feel sorry
for Suzie, master.
Mm.
She liked Harold the way he was.
Yeah.
Perhaps I could blink
and fix Harold's hair back...
No, no. Look,
I would need to...
don't do it.
Jeannie, really,
don't do anything.
Uh, I-if you're gonna
do anything at all
I'd like y-you to fix it so that
she forgets she saw you.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
SUZIE: Hey, maj. Open the door.
Huh?
Oh...
Now... Now you... You pop out.
Go on, get out.
Oh, master, I like Suzie...
I know it, but get out.
But your headache...
Don't come back till she's gone.
All right. Forget my headache.
Headache...
Just... Please.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
SUZIE: Hey, maj.
[GRUMBLES]
Uh, I'm sorry, Suzie.
I'm very busy.
[ENGINE REVVING]
[ENGINE REVVING]
Meet Herman, maj.
He's going to be
staying with you
for the next couple of weeks.
Jeannie! Jeannie!
[♪]
Hi. Hop in.
Thanks, baby.
Dig you later.
Hey, wait a minute.
What's this all about?
[HORN HONKING]
Go, man. Light's, like, green.
Huh? Well...
[HORN HONKING]
All right. Okay.
Where do we go?
Straight, man, straight.
Okay.
My name's, um, Anthony Nelson.
What's yours?
Amarantha Swarupinanda.
TONY [CHUCKLING]:
What?
Oh, I took my name
from my last incarnation.
I was an Indian princess.
Congratulations.
Now, this is as far as I go.
I just live around the bend.
[♪]
Open the door.
What?
Open the door, please.
Hey, what's the matter?
It's crisis time, baby.
Open the door!
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, sure.
Well, there you are.
Hey, hey, what's
all this about, huh?
Cool it, baby, cool it.
Major.
Major.
Yes, sir.
You're Major Nelson?
Yes, sir. I am.
I'm General Winfield Schaeffer,
your new neighbor.
Oh. I didn't know
you were moving
into the neighborhood, sir.
Oh, well, uh,
I'm looking for my daughter.
Oh.
[♪]
[♪]
[♪]
Yeah, she's only 17.
She was to have met me
here an hour ago.
She's very susceptible.
It's a dangerous age, 17,
Nelson.
Indeed it is, sir, yes.
Hippies.
That's why I brought her
to Cocoa Beach
where there's none
of that nonsense.
[CHUCKLING] Yes.
If you see her,
let me know, will you?
I will do that. Yes, sir.
Carry on.
Hey. Um...
Something wrong, major?
No.
No, everything's fine, sir.
[ENGINE STARTS]
[♪]
All right, young lady.
Come on out.
Thanks, maj.
You were groovy.
[CHUCKLING] Yeah.
Hey.
Oh, well, don't let
Pops shake you.
He's just a little square.
[CHUCKLING] Yeah, sure.
What's the idea
of the quick change?
Freedom, baby, freedom.
You know, if military schools
accepted girls,
I'd be wearing a uniform.
So we just keep the real me
out of sight, right?
Wrong. I'm taking you
to your father
before this goes any further.
Master.
Yah.
Oh! Oh, I am sorry.
I did not know you had company.
Where'd she come from?
Who's she?
Oh, I'm Majo...
She's my housekeeper.
In that groovy, hippie outfit?
Major, you're with it.
"With it"?
One of us.
Gee, you had me scared
there for a minute.
I thought you were gonna
turn out to be a fink.
I am gonna turn out
to be a fink. Yes, I am.
You're putting me on.
How can you turn me in
as a hippie
when you're going with a hippie?
[CHUCKLING]
Oh, Jeannie is not a hippie.
Heh. Yeah, yeah.
So, like, um,
I'll keep your secret
and you keep mine, right?
I think that's a very good idea.
Peace, beautiful people.
[LAUGHS UNEASILY]
Oh, is that not
a lovely thought, master?
Peace.
I think we're in for war.
Tony. Oh, hi, Jeannie.
Oh, have I got
terrible news for you.
A general just
moved in next door.
A general just
moved in next door.
Yeah. And he's got a daughter
named Suzie that's seen Jeannie.
Uh-oh.
My master told her
I was the housekeeper.
[GIGGLES]
Is that not clever?
I don't know about his daughter,
but the general is
a holy terror.
He's in charge
of military discipline
for the whole NASA installation.
He goes around
shaking everybody up.
Shaking...
Did you hear that?
He goes from base to base
shaking everybody up.
So, major, how's it going?
Oh!
What are you doing here?
This... This is
the general's daughter?
Is he cool?
JEANNIE:
Oh, yes,
he is my master's best friend.
Peace, baby.
Always happy to meet
another beautiful person.
Listen, if your father
finds you here,
I'm gonna be in a lot...
Oh, stay loose, maj.
Pop thinks I'm asleep.
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
Oh, that makes everything fine.
Thinks she's asleep.
Yeah.
Welcome to the crash pad,
people. Come on in.
[CROWD CHATTERING]
[TONY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
A house party, man.
A housewarming.
Yeah, but it's my house!
Oh, I know, major.
We couldn't have it at my pad.
Not with Daddy there.
What's with him?
Harold's on a hunger strike.
What for?
No bread, man. No bread.
[EXHALES]
Say, listen. Uh, you've gotta
get rid of these people.
I mean...
I'm not kidding.
[BAND PLAYING ROCK MUSIC]
[SHOUTING]
Hey, hold it down, will ya?
[ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES]
BAND:
♪ I know ♪
♪ You're so pretty ♪
♪ Temperature's risin' ♪
♪ On the city ♪
♪ And I'm cryin' ♪
♪ In the dawn ♪
Hold it. Please.
Come on. Please.
♪ I walk to the corner ♪
♪ Turn around Come back again ♪
♪ There's no place to go ♪
♪ No place I ain't been ♪
♪ In the city ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Whoa, oh ♪
♪ Lonely city ♪
♪ I wander ♪
♪ I don't want the day
Turn around ♪
♪ Gimme that sundown ♪
♪ So bring on the sundown ♪
♪ Bring on the night ♪
♪ So I can lose myself ♪
♪ In the light of the downtown ♪
♪ In the city ♪
♪ Oh, baby
Lonely city... ♪
Hey, could you
hold it down, please.
Ah. Heh.
Fellas. Yes.
Oof.
[SCREAMS]
Love.
Love.
Love.
HIPPIE:
Man, that's poetry.
Could you get him out of here?
HIPPIE: Can't, man. Once he starts
meditating, there's no way.
Love.
Now, look, ladies.
Oh, sorry. Um...
Hey. Would you quiet down,
please?
It's my neighbors.
You...
Hey... Hey.
Hey... Hey, could you
cool it? Cool it?
Would you cut it... My neighbors
are gonna... Hey, would you...?
Hey, man, don't spoil
my trip, baby.
Fellas, please!
Roger, remember
who you are, will you?
What a great-sounding
garbage can.
Hey. Suzie.
Suzie, would you, please...
It is I, master.
Is this not fun?
Would you take that
silly outfit off, please?
Oh, but, master, it is my thing.
[SHOUTING] Please, quiet!
BAND:
♪ Bring on the sundown... ♪
[MOUTHING WORDS]
♪ So I can lose myself
In the light... ♪
What in blazes
is going on in there
in the middle of the night?
Uh, going on, sir?
I am waiting for an answer.
Somebody should have warned you
before you moved in.
Warned me?
That you have
ear-splitting parties
in the middle of the week?
It's not here, sir.
It's the house behind us.
Very noisy people. I've been
putting up with them for years.
The house behind you?
Yes.
Major, that horrible noise
is coming from right in there.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]
An ice-cream truck
playing rock
at 3:00 in the morning?
I can't hear you, sir.
Of course you can't hear me
with that infernal racket.
I'm sorry, major.
I think I picked
the wrong neighborhood
to move into.
Will you stop the music?
Hey, will you...?
Fella? Hey?
[LAUGHING]
Will you stop the music?
It's 4... It's...
Do you know what time it is?
Will you just cut the music out.
Ah. Oh.
At ease, major.
Thank you, sir.
Dr. Bellows tells me
that you're an exemplary...
[SIGHING]
...officer.
Oh, Dr. Bellows...
General Schaeffer wants
a chaperon for his daughter
when he's away from Cocoa Beach.
Oh, a chaperon, sir.
You will escort Suzanne
to museums,
concerts
and other cultural events.
It will keep her out of trouble.
Um, sir, I'm kind
of tied up in a project...
And you will see that this
person never comes near her.
Who is it, sir?
It's a...
It calls itself Harold.
It's a dirty, filthy,
disreputable hippie.
And if he ever comes near
Suzie again, I'll kill him.
Do you get the message?
Yes, sir.
I get the message.
Love.
Love.
Love.
Love.
Isn't it gassy?
That's Harold's latest new poem.
Oh, it is beautiful.
But... But do you not think we
should get him something to eat?
He does not look well.
Well, he punishes
himself for art.
I was just a square
until I met Harold.
He made me what I am today.
Love.
TONY:
Jeannie!
Love...
Oh, here we are, master.
TONY:
Hi, listen, I...
Maj, meet your new roommate.
TONY:
Harold.
Young man, would you...?
Would you just...?
I don't want to interfere in
your private life, young lady,
but, uh, your father told me
I had to chaperon you
all over Cocoa Beach.
Oh, that's groovy, maj.
We can double date.
You and Jeannie,
and Harold and me.
Yeah. No. Not...
Not Harold. He's out.
If... If your father even
sees you with Harold,
he's gonna skin you alive.
And me too, for allowing it.
No, I'll never give up Harold!
He's my guru.
You're gonna have
to forget your guru...
Master?
What?
Master, the general
just drove up
and I think he is coming here.
He's coming here?
In the kitchen.
Are you sure he's coming here?
Yes, master.
You're certain?
In the kitchen too.
Yes, master.
Harold, you get...
Master! Oh...
Oh... Oh, master.
Yes, what day is it?
Pick yourself up and act
like a man, will you?
Huh?
Harold?
I want you to get him out
of here. Will you?
Quickly, get him out.
Uh... Uh.
Do you understand me? Huh?
Good. Good. In the kitchen.
Yes, master.
Now, don't panic.
No, master.
Right.
Ah-whoo.
You are so clever, master.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
SCHAEFFER:
Major.
Major...
Major Nelson.
Yes, sir. Right here, sir.
Oh, major.
I just came over to tell you
that I am leaving town tomorrow
for a couple of days.
And, uh, while I'm gone
I'm holding you responsible
for my daughter's welfare.
Yes, sir.
I understand, sir.
And remember what
I said about Harold.
Oh, you don't have
to worry about that, sir.
You can count on... Aah.
HAROLD: Aah!
What was that?
Oh, I just skinned my knuckles.
Shut the door on my hand.
Silly of me. Don't you worry
about your daughter, sir.
Uh, you can depend on me.
I hope so, major.
I... Uh... Uh...
[GROANS]
[GIGGLING]
[EXHALES]
Jeannie.
That was the most transcendental
experience of my life.
Oh, jeez...
Jeannie did it.
She just blinked
and you disappeared.
Nelson.
Oh, great guru,
tell us of your wisdom.
Oh, how nice.
Uh, yes, that's it. Uh, you see,
Jeannie is a student
of Eastern mysticism,
and all she had
to do was concentrate
and just willed him
into the closet.
[GIGGLING] Oh, master.
I will spend the rest
of my life at your feet.
Not here you won't. You're going
out in the back door this time.
You're not throwing
Harold out, maj.
Oh, yes, I am.
This is my house.
Remember that.
What would Daddy say if he knew
your girlfriend was a guru?
[MUTTERING]
You wouldn't do a thing
like that, would you?
SUZIE:
Of course not, maj.
Not as long
as you behave yourself.
All together now. Love!
Love.
ALL:
Love. Love.
Master?
What?
How is this?
That's terrible.
Come on.
Huh?
We're late.
Oh.
[♪]
Huh? Wha...?
Let's go, maj.
We're all set.
[JEANNIE SQUEALS]
What have you done to my car?
Oh, I think it is
very artistic, master.
Look at this thing.
It just...
Look at this mess.
We're not going anyplace
in this thing. That's for sure.
Okay, I guess Harold and I
will just have
to go call my father.
Get in.
[CAN CLATTERS]
[ENGINE STARTS]
[♪]
BELLOWS:
Major Nelson.
Oh, my darling master.
Stop. Eh, Dr. Bellows.
Huh? Oh.
Major Nelson. What are you doing
in this ridiculous-looking...
Oh, heh, heh. I beg
your pardon. I'm sorry.
I... I thought
you were someone else.
Peace, baby.
[♪]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
Oh, well, excuse me, uh.
Yes, sir.
Oh, uh, um, Major Nelson,
you didn't happen
to be in the neighborhood
of, uh, Palm and Main Street
yesterday afternoon, did you?
Uh, Palm and Main?
Mm.
Um...
Well, I... I saw this car
with, uh, "make love, not war"
painted on it, and I...
I could have sworn
you were driving.
Palm and Main.
Is that right?
I know it sounds
ridiculous, but, uh...
[HORN HONKING] Well...
ROGER:
Tony! Tony.
Hey, Tony.
The paint shop can't take
your car until Monday.
Thanks, Roge.
What'd he say?
Huh?
Major Healey.
Major!
TONY:
I have an explanation, sir.
BELLOWS: I'm sure you have.
I'm sure it's a good one.
Now, Major Nelson,
I've got to find out
what this is all about.
Major Healey...
Get this off me!
"Make love, not war."
What's the meaning
of this, major?
Oh, general.
Uh, the, uh, this...
Is this your idea
of a joke, Healey?
Actually, sir, this isn't mine...
Are you some kind
of an overaged hippie?
Sir, actually, I'm one
of the youngest...
I see that I'm going
to have to make
some changes around here.
That's fine, sir.
I'll be running along.
No, you don't, major.
No, I don't, major.
I have a special little
assignment for you.
Yes, sir.
MAN [OVER RADIO]:
Roger.
Oh. Oh, William,
you still awake?
[YAWNING]
I'm drifting off, Roge.
Tell me another joke.
Oh, yeah. Another joke.
I'm running out
of elephant jokes.
Let me see. What do you
get when you cross
an elephant with a jar
of peanut butter?
I don't know.
What do you get?
[DOOR OPENS]
TONY:
Uh, Roge.
Hey. Heh.
I'm sorry about that thing
with Schaeffer and the car.
Oh, that's all right.
Nothing I'd rather do
than sit up all night telling
Williams dumb elephant jokes.
[YAWNING] What do you get
when you cross an elephant
with a jar of peanut butter?
I'd like to stick around
and help you out,
but Suzie ordered me back
to the house in half an hour.
What do you mean,
she ordered you?
She's got me over a barrel.
If I don't do
everything she says,
she's gonna tell
her father about Jeannie.
It could be worse. You could
sit here all night telling
dumb elephant jokes.
In fact, do you know
any elephant jokes?
I really haven't
got time for it.
I'll see you later.
You all right?
Huh?
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
What?
Just tell me any joke.
Sorry, Suzie.
It's out of the question.
Oh, but, maj, Harold won't
be any trouble.
He hardly eats anything
and you've got
plenty of room in your pad.
TONY:
Absolutely not.
Well, it'll just be
for a little while.
Until we get married.
Married? You and Harold
are gonna get married?
Have you mentioned this
to your father?
Uh-uh. That's what
you're going to do.
Me? I'm gonna...
My dear girl,
wild horses couldn't get me to
mention Harold to your father.
I think that I would rather...
♪ I dream of Jeannie ♪
♪ With the light blond hair ♪
[♪]
My daughter marry
an unwashed hippie?
Are you out of your mind?!
Yes, sir, I think...
I think I must be.
He's not such a bad guy, sir.
If you'd just meet him.
You know, just talk to him.
Get out of here
before I lose my temper.
Yes, sir. I wouldn't want you
to lose your temper.
Wait.
I have something for you to do.
MAN [OVER RADIO]:
You're driving me up the wall.
What happens
when you cross an elephant
with a jar of peanut butter?
We're trying to remember...
We're trying to remember, Joe.
Would you tell him the joke?
We've only got
another hour here.
Just tell him
the joke, will you?
I don't know the joke.
I don't even remember
telling him any kind of a...
I'm so tired
I can't remember any jokes.
Oh.
Huh?
My poor master.
Is there anything
I can do to help?
Yes. Would you, please...?
Would you tell me what happens
when you cross an elephant
with a... A jar of peanut butter.
Oh, that is easy.
Yeah.
You get a jar of peanut butter
with a long memory
or an elephant that sticks
to the roof of your mouth.
[LAUGHING]
[JOE SNORING OVER RADIO]
That was it, Joe.
[♪]
[DOOR CLOSES]
[YAWNS]
[SNORING]
Nelson.
Nelson, are you in there?
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
[KNOCKING RESUMES]
SCHAEFFER:
Nelson, open the door.
[KNOCKING CONTINUES]
SCHAEFFER: Nelson.
Uh, what?
Oof.
Major Nelson. Major.
What is it? What... Whoa.
What took so long?
I've been knocking
for five minutes.
Uh, heh, uh, well, I was, uh...
I was just trying
to get to sleep, sir.
What are you doing?
[YAWNING]
I was just stretching, sir.
I was trying to wake up.
I've been asleep.
Would you like a cup of orange
juice or a glass of coffee?
I don't want any coffee.
I want a full report on
your assignment last night.
Oh, my assignment.
What was I doing last night?
Oh, yes. Roger and I were...
Will you let that door go.
No!
TONY: Ah, oh, yes, sir.
Let me see.
Roger and I were, um, ah...
We were working...
Harold!
[CRASHING]
Daddy.
TONY:
Sir, are you all right?
Harold's here?
Ah, not here.
Ah, well, Nelson, I warned you.
Where is he? I'll kill him!
Not in here. No... Aaah!
[♪]
Harold?
How do you do, sir?
I'm very glad to make
your acquaintance.
That's Harold?
That's Harold?
That's Harold.
That's Harold.
I do not understand it, master.
After all the trouble we went to
to get General Schaeffer
to accept Harold,
Suzie suddenly decides that she
does not like him any longer.
Well, I'll never
understand women.
And that goes double
for teenagers.
Oh, I feel sorry
for Suzie, master.
Mm.
She liked Harold the way he was.
Yeah.
Perhaps I could blink
and fix Harold's hair back...
No, no. Look,
I would need to...
don't do it.
Jeannie, really,
don't do anything.
Uh, I-if you're gonna
do anything at all
I'd like y-you to fix it so that
she forgets she saw you.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
SUZIE: Hey, maj. Open the door.
Huh?
Oh...
Now... Now you... You pop out.
Go on, get out.
Oh, master, I like Suzie...
I know it, but get out.
But your headache...
Don't come back till she's gone.
All right. Forget my headache.
Headache...
Just... Please.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
SUZIE: Hey, maj.
[GRUMBLES]
Uh, I'm sorry, Suzie.
I'm very busy.
[ENGINE REVVING]
[ENGINE REVVING]
Meet Herman, maj.
He's going to be
staying with you
for the next couple of weeks.
Jeannie! Jeannie!
[♪]