I Dream of Jeannie (1965–1970): Season 4, Episode 14 - The Case of My Vanishing Master: Part 2 - full transcript

[♪]

Tony? Tony?

Tony, I just met
your identical twin.

He's not a twin, Roger.

He's an intelligence agent
made up to look like me.

Well, he's sure doing
a good job.

He's even got
Dr. Bellows fooled.

Roger, Dr. Bellows
is the one who assigned him.

They think there's
a security leak at NASA

and they wanted me
to finish my work on

the capsule modification
in secure surroundings.



Well, why the double? Why
didn't they just send you away?

Because they don't know
who the security leak is

and they don't want whoever
it is to know that I'm gone.

So for the past six weeks

they've had this guy learning

everything about me
there is to know.

Whew. Boy, that's a relief.
And I was worried

they'd find out about Jeannie.

Roger, he doesn't
know about Jeannie.

Yeah, well, he will
in about five minutes.

He's on his way to your house,
to Jeannie.

Well, what are you
standing around for? Stop him.

Good idea. Tell me where you
are. Jeannie will rescue you.

Well, I don't know where I am.



Nobody knows where I am.

Yeah, yeah, right.
I'll go and ask Dr. Bellows.

Roger, I told you, nobody knows.

How can you ask when you're not
supposed to know I'm gone?

Wait a minute. Dr. Bellows
know that I don't know?

Oh, if Dr. Bellows doesn't
know that I don't know

then it doesn't matter
if I ask him.

While you're standing there,
talking nonsense

Dr. Bellows is on his way to my
place, he's gonna find Jeannie.

Now, please stop him.

Yeah, stop him.
Right, right, yeah.

Oh, I forgot, congratulations.

Your double proposed to Jeannie.

You're getting married.

[♪]

Pomford, I want you to know

that I was against
substituting you

for Major Nelson from the start.

But if you really can
show me any proof

of any funny business
going on at Nelson's...

Proof positive, sir.

She wears a funny little outfit

like she came out
of an Arabian harem.

An Arabian harem?
Yes.

She blinks her eyes
and things pop in and out.

Vacuum cleaners,
baked Alaskans, chickens.

I'll prove it to you, sir,
or my name isn't Rodney Pomford.

Just a moment, sir.

I just had a thought.

If Nelson has been keeping
this girl secret all this time

perhaps she won't perform
for you.

Very shrewd, major.
Very shrewd.

That's been my problem.

When I've tried to show
General Peterson

the strange things I've seen,
nothing happens.

Mm. You wait here.
I'll go inside and tell her

that I've let you in
on the secret

and she can do her thing.

I can hardly wait, major.

I'm finally going
to catch Major Nelson.

Right there, sir.
This shouldn't take too long.

Jeannie?

Jeannie?

Oh, I was over there,
and I'm here...

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN DIALECT]

Right.
What's he saying?

He says you must kneel, master.
It is the custom.

Oh, well, I wonder if you
would mind if we'd be alone...

Jeannie and I could be alone?

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN DIALECT]

What's he saying?

He is marrying us, master.

Oh, I am so excited.

M-marrying us?
Well, he can't.

Oh. Oh!

You did get the
marriage license, did you not?

M-marriage license?
Well, yeah, that's right.

You can't...
You can't marry us, sir.

[SHOUTS]

In this country it takes
three days

for a marriage license
to come through

and I just registered today.

So if you could arrange
to come back next week.

[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN DIALECT]

[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN DIALECT]

What's happening?
What's he saying?

He is going, master.
Wait. Wait.

I have somebody
I want you to meet.

[COUGHS]

Ah, nuts!

Oh, it is all right, master.

I have waited all these years.
I can wait three more days.

Jeannie, in honor
of our marriage,

I've decided to tell
Dr. Bellows everything.

Oh, master, that is wonderful.

Oh, now I know
it is really going to happen.

Yeah. You stay right here,

and I'll bring him in
to meet you

and you can do all
your tricks for him.

I would be most happy to, master.
Good.

I have always liked
Dr. Bellows.

Yeah. Good.

Oh, and you can
put on your harem outfit.

You know, the one
you usually wear.

Oh, instantly, master.

Oh.

Psst. Psst. Jeannie.

Oh, Major Healey,
the most wonderful thing.

In three days, my master
and I are getting married.

He has announced our engagement
to Dr. Bellows,

and I am so happy.

That's not Tony.

Oh, you are right, Major Healey.

He has certainly changed.

No. I mean that's not Tony.

It's an imposter,
a fake, a phony.

Oh, that is impossible,
Major Healey.

He looks like himself.

No, no, that's just makeup.

It's a trick.
He's trying to expose you.

I do not believe you.

POMFORD:
Jeannie?

Hm. I shall soon find out
if he is my master or not.

No, no, no, you can't do that.
He's with Dr. Bellows.

Major Healey, let me go.

No, you're gonna spoil
the whole thing.

I can't let you go.

I guess I can.

Jeannie, I want you
to meet Dr. Bellows.

Oh, hello,
Dr. Bellows.

Major Healey.
What are you doing here?

Uh, we're having lunch.

Tony and I always have lunch
on Tuesdays. Right?

Lunch on Tuesdays?

Oh yes, Roger,
it just slipped my mind.

Uh, where's Jeannie?

That's what I was wondering.

Major Healey, what's the matter?

Oh, what's the matter?
Well, I keep my...

Wanna keep my coffee warm.

I will give you one chance
to prove he is not my master.

I've told Dr. Bellows
all about Jeannie.

ROGER: Oh, well, that's... That's nice.
That's very nice.

Nice girl. Nice.
Very good find.

Uh, where did you find Jeannie?
You never told me.

Oh, I told you that story
a hundred times, Roge.

No, you haven't, not once.

Yes, I have.
You haven't.

Yes, I have.

Well, I was walking
in a park one day

and I heard a noise,
and I look over

and there was Jeannie
sitting on a bench.

Major Healey, what's the...?
Why are you shaking?

Oh, it's hot. Cold. Hot.

Cold, warm, hot.

See, Jeannie, he's an imposter.

Ugh. You are right.
He is not my master.

Oh, how shall I punish him?

Shall I give him the death
of a thousand itches?

Scratches.
Itches are much worse.

Yeah.

Or shall I cause him to be hung
by his toenails,

and lowered inch by inch
into a basket of cobras?

Oh! You can't do any of those.
We've got to keep Dr. Bellows

and what's-his-name from finding
out about you until Tony's back.

Well, how can we get him back,
if we do not know where he is?

Yeah, that's a problem.

Jeannie, come on out.

Dr. Bellows
wants to meet you.

She doesn't like anyone
in the kitchen, sir.

Out of my way, Major Healey.

I've waited a long time
to meet this Jeannie.

Did you wipe your feet
before you came in?

I don't want anybody tracking
mud all over my clean floor.

That's Jeannie?

Jeannie, would you cut it out?

Dr. Bellows knows
all about you.

Well, that don't mean he can
come in here and barge in

and put mud all over
my clean carpets.

And that goes for you too.

Uh, Major Nelson, um, I'd like
to have a few words with you.

Jeannie, who am I?

[GIGGLES]

Are you kidding?

[GIGGLES]

You're Major Anthony Nelson.

You pay me two
lousy bucks an hour

to cook and keep house for you,

not to stand here
and answer dumb questions.

I've seen enough.

Would you get a grip
on yourself?

Ah.

An itch, an itch.
Scratch, scratch.

[LAUGHS]

What are you trying to do,
blow the whole thing?

Oh, I'm sorry, Major Healey.

I lost my temper.

What's made you itch?

I don't know.
I don't know.

Are you all right?

Yes, sir, I'm fine now.

I don't know how that happened.

You see? You see? You see?

She blinked, and it...
She gave me an itch.

Major, I think you'd better
come along with me.

Oh, uh, Dr. Bellows,
there's one thing

I've been meaning to tell you.

Uh, Tony's been acting
kind of strange lately.

It's probably the new
project's strain on him.

I think we should have him go

in the hospital
for a couple days.

Major, perhaps you're right.

I think a few days
of rest is indicated.

Uh, you're confined to this
house until further notice.

Here? Here in this house?

Oh, no, the hospital
would be better.

That won't be necessary.

I think a few days
of looking reality in the face

is all the rest
Major Nelson needs. Bye.

Wait, Dr. Bellows.

Dr. Bellows, you're making
a big mistake, sir, I tell...

[GIGGLES]

You see, she did it again.
She tripped. I-I-I...

She blinked, and I tripped.
That's what happened.

Will you come to your senses
before Major Healey and that...

That housekeeper realize

that you're not
the real Major Nelson?

Goodbye.

Wait, wait, wait.

Major Healey, what are
we going to do with this...?

This stranger.

Could you put him out of action
a couple of minutes,

so we can talk?

Certainly.
It will be a pleasure.

Oh, that's good. Good.

Now, Major Healey, what have
you done with my master?

I'll tell you as soon as you
finish your housework.

Will you get out of that outfit?

Oh, certainly.

If they have taken my master
and you are keeping it from me...

I'm keeping it from you?

I don't even know where he is.

Dr. Bellows and Tony
doesn't know where he is.

Boy, you've got to do something,

or that phony's gonna
convince Dr. Bellows

that he's not seeing things.

MAN [OVER SPEAKER]:
Calling Agent X-12.

Calling Agent X-12.
Come in X-12.

X-12, do you read me?
Calling Agent X-12.

This is Agent X-12.
Agent X-12 reporting.

The situation
at Nelson's house is confusing.

But I have not blown my cover.

Dr. Bellows has no idea
that I'm a double agent.

I am still trying to find
the whereabouts of Major Nelson.

POMFORD: I've got to be careful
to stay out of her way.

Looking for something?

No. No. I...

I'm just taking
a little exercises.

Getting the kinks out.

I'm kind of stiff
from being in bed.

Yes, you look a little stiff.

I... I can't move.

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

Poor Major... Nelson.

All right, would you help me
to the bedroom, please?

Oh, I am not paid
to be a nurse, master.

Well, then in that case
I'll have to call Dr. Bellows.

Oh, well, that's better.

Look, Jeannie,
I've been thinking.

You haven't had a vacation
in quite a long time.

Why don't you take all of
next week off, huh? With pay.

Oh, I could not do that, master.

You are not strong enough
to do without me.

Oh, no. No, I'm fine, thank you.

Besides a little weakness
in the knees.

[CHUCKLES]

See what I mean?

Could you help me
into the bedroom, please?

Oh, no, I'm going
to stay right here.

No, you're not gonna go?

No.
No?

Well, in that case,

I have to go
to the bedroom myself.

No. No. Not in there.

I have not finished cleaning
in there.

I gotta lie down.

You can lie down upstairs.

No, I don't wanna lie down...

I will make you comfortable.

Please, I don't...

Ah!

Whew. Well...

now I can search
for my master in peace.

Oh!

Huh?

Oh.

It's not happening.

It's not happening.

It's all a bad dream.

[GASPS]

It's all a bad dream.

[SCREAMS]

There you go, major,
as good as new.

Sorry about this,

but that place
is still operational.

It's all right.
Orders are orders.

The important thing is
I finished the project.

Don't forget
to check in immediately

with Dr. Bellows, sir.

Right. Right.

[BUSY SIGNAL]

Major Nelson?

Oh, hello, Dr. Bellows,
I was just on my way to see you.

Major, what are you doing here?

You're under orders
to stay home.

Oh, I'm not that Major Nelson.

I know that.

No, I mean, I am Major Nelson.

Well, of course you are.

And I'm very happy to see
that you're looking better.

Get back to Major Nelson's
house immediately.

But sir, I finished the program,
and I gotta get...

Are you trying to jeopardize
this entire project?

No, sir.
Then go home.

That's an order.

Hi.

Nice talking to you.

[WHISTLING]

Hey.
[CRASH]

I'm sorry.
Must have slipped.

Well, I guess it's no use
trying to get out.

Shh.

MAN:
Good morning, NASA.

Let me speak to
Dr. Bellows, please.

Jeannie?

Jeannie?

Well, enough is enough.

Jeannie?

Oh. I wish my master
would come back.

I do not think I can control
myself much longer with this...

This imposter.

Oh.

Dr. Bellows, you've got
to get me out of here.

I can't take it anymore.

What are you talking about?

You were here at NASA
a half-hour ago

and against my orders.

I haven't been
outta here in a week.

You gotta get me outta here.

I think I'm going crackers.

Stay put. I'll be right there.

Secret project all here.

It's all here.

That's it?

Jeannie, will you
please open the door?

It's Nelson. The idiot is back.

Come on, Jeannie,
let me out, huh?

[ANGRILY] Ooh!

Jeannie! Will you
let me out?

Will you stop that yelling?

You are giving me a headache.

Jeannie, is that you?

Well, of course it is me.

Who do you think it is,
Tiny Tim?

What's the matter with you?
This is Tony.

Would you please open the door?

I can't stand it when he says
my master's name.

Jeannie.

What is it?

Don't you touch me.

I'm sorry.

Ah!

What is this all about?
I'm your master.

What's the matter with you?

I cannot stand it when you...

How dare you try to impersonate
my beautiful, wonderful master?

I am your beautiful,
wonderful master.

[CRASH]

Bye-bye, loony bin.

Jeannie, please.

I got an order.
I got an order.

Stop this itching.

Only my master
can give me orders.

I am your master,
and I can prove it

if you'd just stop the itching.

All right. All right.
I will give you one chance.

Where did you find me?

I found you...

Where did I find you?
On a island.

On an island in the middle
of the Pacific

in a bottle, and I'm sorry
I ever saw that island.

Oh, master, it is you.
It is you!

I'm so happy!

Will you stop hugging me
and stop the itching?

Oh, yes, master.
Immediately. Immediately.

Right now.
Now do it!

I cannot believe it is you.

Thank you.

Jeannie...

where's my double?

Well, I do not know.
I thought he was here.

Well, I gotta go and tell him
the masquerade is over.

You will not like him.
Huh?

He's trying to steal
the attaché case.

What shall I do, master?
Shall I smite him?

You bet your life
you're gonna smite him.

I just gotta figure out how.

Oh.

Well, major, I'd like to know

what you were doing
at NASA an hour ago

when you had explicit orders
to remain here.

Yeah, Tony. Let me...

Let me hear you explain that.

Well, I just got back, sir.

I finished
the project. See?

You're the real Tony?
Yeah.

Oh, am I glad
to see you. Oh, boy.

You're the real Major Nelson?

TONY:
Wait a minute, buddy.

Good afternoon,
Dr. Bellows. Roger.

I'm the real Major Nelson.

And that man is a spy.

A spy?

You know, Major Healey, I...

I can't tell which is which.

HEALEY:
Oh, no doubt about it, sir.

We've been buddies a long time.
This is him.

It's him, all right.

Roger.

Are you certain?

Am I certain? I knew
this man was an imposter

from the first time
I saw him. Right?

No.

All right, grab him.

Wait a minute, wait a minute!
Wait a minute.

All right, get him up now.

Hey, Tony, I didn't know
you had false teeth.

Oh, Roger,
I don't wear false teeth.

I don't wear false teeth.

[LAUGHING]

[♪]