I Dream of Jeannie (1965–1970): Season 3, Episode 24 - Have You Ever Had a Genie Hate You? - full transcript

[♪]

[HUMMING]

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

Oh, my master will love this.

Oh, dear!

Hm.
[LAUGHS]

Mm, it smells marvelous.

Oh, sister,
what are you doing here?

Oh, well, I was just passing
North America,

and I thought I'd drop by
and say hello.

Oh, that was sweet of you.



Yes, isn't it?

[CHUCKLES]

Uh, how is your adorable
Major Nelson?

Adorable.

Oh, I wish you could have
a master like him.

Oh, well, darling,
I'm working on it.

I'm working on it.

The trouble with we genies
is that we're so fickle.

We keep falling in love
with other masters.

Oh, I could never love anyone
but my Major Nelson.

Oh, well, darling,
you never know

when you may fall out of love.

That's why I brought you this
for a birthday present.

It is not my birthday.



Oh, well, hang on to it,
darling. It will be.

Oh, I'm so lucky to have
such a generous sister.

Hm, isn't she beautiful?

What is it?

Oh, it is a lotion made
from the oil

of a Byzantium seed.

All you have to do is sprinkle
a few drops on your Major Nelson

and he will love you
madly forever.

Oh, that is wonderful.
I am going to do it right away.

Yes, I knew
I could count on you.

What is that?

Oh, darling,
if you love Major Nelson,

you'll certainly want to hate
his enemies, won't you?

I suppose so.

Well, you're a terrible hater,
darling.

This will help you. Heh.

All you have to do
is sprinkle a few drops

from the blue flask
on his enemies,

and you'll be a marvelous hater.

Uh, oh... Oh, one word
of warning, pet.

Whatever you do, don't get
the two flasks mixed up.

Oh, I will not.

The white one
will make me love him,

and the... And the blue one
will make me hate his enemies.

[CHUCKLES]

Yes, you're brilliant.
Brilliant.

Uh, darling,
the cake has fallen.

Oh, dear.

I do not know
what the matter is.

Well, I must be running along.

Oh, thank you so much, Sister.

Oh, believe me, the pleasure
is going to be mine.

[CHUCKLES]

Ta.

Ta.

[♪]

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

Oh, good morning, Jeannie.
Good morning, master.

Oh, I have a surprise for you.

Yeah, it smells great.
King Tut's recipe, is it?

Oh, that is not the surprise.

Wait until you try
my birthday present.

[CHUCKLING] Yeah, what is it?

Hey! Come on.

Well, it smells great,
but what is it?

Ooh!

You black-hearted son
of a misbegotten jackal!

A m-misbegotten jackal?
Jeannie, this is me.

Oh, you put my name
on your foul lips!

Well, for that you shall suffer.

Hey, wait a minute.
Wait...!

TONY: Jeannie, what
are you doing?

Uh, would you please let me
out of here?

Would you let me out of here?

Oh, what's gotten into you?!

Jeannie!

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

Jeannie, what are you doing?
I'm, um, cooking.

I'm cooking, Jeannie.
I... I really am. It's warm.

I'm cooking.

When you are done,
I will feed you to the cats.

What's gotten into you?!
Would you let me out of here?

Huh? Would you please
let me out of here?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
ROGER: Jeannie? Tony?

Anybody home?

Oh, hi, Jeannie.
Where's Tony?

He will be ready in a minute.

Oh, boy, we're gonna be late.
Listen, we...

Tony, will you stop
fooling around?

We've got a briefing
at Dr. Bellows' office.

Roger, Ro...
Would you hit...?

Would you help me out of here?

Would you tell her
to get me out of here?

He wants out.

Never.

Oh, had a little lover"
quarrel, huh?

No.

No?

[SNIFFING]
Hey, this smells nice.

[SNIFFS]

Oh, Major Healey...

Mm-hm?

Oh, Major Healey.

Oh, Jeannie,
control yourself. I...

All this time
it is you I have loved,

and I did not even know it.

You love me?

More than anything in the world.

Please... Please!

J-Jeannie, I... I think you
better let him out.

Anything you say, adorable one.

Adorable one?

What on Earth do
you think you're doing?

[SCREAMS]

I'm burning! Water! Water!

Give me some water!
Water, will ya?

Water! Water!

Jeannie!

What do you think
you're doing, huh?

Do not speak my name again
or I will...

I will put you back in the oven.

I will go pack my things,
little love drop.

Love drop.
Love drop?

Well, she was just kidding. See,
it's probably a little joke.

Oh, whatever you said to her,
it must have been a beaut!

I walked in, I said good morning

and I complimented her on
how wonderful her cakes smelled.

Yeah.
Look at this.

Yeah, I believe you.
What really happened?

Oh, I don't know,
but I'm gonna find out.

Hold on.

I wouldn't go in there
if I were you. Ha!

She's... She's in a bad mood.
Yeah, well, so am I.

Yeah... Wait!
Well, I'll light the oven.

Huh?
I'll light the oven.

Oh...

[♪]

[HUMMING]

TONY:
Jeannie!

Jeannie, you come out
of there right now!

Ooh!

Yeah.

You called my name.

You bet your sweet life I...

No!

Oh!

Oh, Jeannie...?

Ooh, tell him not
to speak my name.

Wait a minute.
It makes me want to destroy him.

I'm your master, Tony Nelson.
Remember me? Old Tony?

Oh, please,

may I send him to Siberia,
adored one?

Uh...
Adored one?

I don't think we have time.
We have a briefing.

Maybe after the meeting.

I would like his blood
to freeze.

You... Would you tell me
what I did?

Just tell me what I did.
I don't even know.

Oh, he is talking to me again!

Listen, if you don't like ovens,
I'd be quiet if I were you.

Yeah? But I-I haven't
done anything.

Will you just tell me?

I mean, is there...?
Oh, treasure.

When I think of all the years

I have wasted with him,
I could weep.

Oh, I know how hard it's been.
But old Rogie's here now.

I'm all packed.
Yeah, well, listen,

uh, I've... I've gotta work
to 6:00.

Yes.
But...

Well, where should I meet you?

I don't know if we should meet
at my house, villa or chateau.

Well, you don't have a house
or a villa or a chateau.

Well, it's not tonight yet.
[LAUGHS]

Oh, what a day
this has been for me.

See you later. Uh, no, no, no.
Let's go. You come with me.

Uh, Jeannie, look, I'm sorry

if I've done anything...
Ooh!

I've... I-I'm leaving,
I'm going. I'm going.

I'm going, I'm going!

I'm leaving, Jeannie.
Would you...?

[SCREAMS]
Ow, stop it, would you?

[♪]

And so, gentlemen,

the latest calculation shows
that the asteroid group A,

which comprises the, uh,
micrometeorite family

and is more apt
to be encountered on the way...

Uh, Major Nelson.
Huh?

Is something bothering you?
Uh, no. No. I'm fine. I'm fine.

It's just a little chilly
in here.

Chilly? This is July.

It's a chilly day in July.

Perhaps you've got a fever.

No, I'm fine.
Fine, thank you.

I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to interrupt.

Um, yes.

Now, um, uh, to continue,
gentlemen.

We were...

Major Nelson,
what happened to your uniform?

Uh... Oh... Oh, this.
Yes, well...

No, no, no. No, never mind.
Don't tell me.

Now, as I was saying,

in our preliminary exploratory
expeditions,

we managed to, uh,
capture particles

of so-called, uh, space dust
in order to make...

Major Nelson?
Yeah?

I must really ask you
to pay attention.

Oh, I... I'm...
I'm paying attention, sir.

Could you turn up the heat,
please?

Turn... Turn up... Yeah.

Turn up the heat. Whoo!

It must be at least 90 in here.
Yeah.

Are you sure you're all right?

Your face looks awfully red.

I-I'm bursting
with health.

Oh, Major Nelson?

Yeah?

I don't know how
to tell you this, but, uh...

I'm afraid you're suffering
from frostbite.

Frost...? Frostbite?

Yes.

Uh, no, no. Uh, no, just sit...
Sit, please.

There. That should do it.

Thank you, sir.

If that will be all,
I'll be running along now.

Not until I get
an explanation, major.

An explanation, sir?

Yes.

Frostbite in Cocoa Beach
in July.

Doesn't that strike even you
as a little peculiar?

It's a part of, uh,
Operation Deep Freeze, sir.

Operation Deep Freeze?

Yes, sir, it's a secret project
Roger and I are working on

to prepare us
for the cold nights

on the dark side of the moon.

Well, why wasn't I told of this?

They shouldn't be doing
medical experiments on you

without my approval.

It came up rather suddenly, sir.

General Arland got the idea
in the middle of the night

and you weren't available.

But they still have
no right to go on...

General Arland?
Yes.

Oh, I see.

If you'll excuse me, sir,
I have to see Major Healey.

Yes.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]

Roge.
Shh!

One his and one hers.

Towels?
Yachts.

Ah, look at that.

A chateau in the Alps,

diamond mine,
three model agencies.

A chain of banks.

This afternoon
I'm going to get down

to my more important list.

That's not gonna
make you happy, Roge.

I know money
can't buy happiness.

But I'll just suffer
with these things

till the real thing comes along.

Um, could I ask you a favor?

All right, I'll tell you
what I'll do.

I'll, uh, give you a yacht
and one model agency.

I don't want those things.

How about a chateau
and a diamond mine?

I'd like to talk to Jeannie.

Boy, you're really
asking for it.

I'll tell you what.
I'll give you one hour.

Then maybe I can give you a...

I... I just want
to say goodbye to her, Roger.

I... I don't want her
to hate me.

All right.

I'll show you I'm as sentimental
as the next man.

Oh, thanks, Roge.

Jeannie!

Oh, you called.
Oh, my beloved.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Uh, ahem, dear, uh, Tony...
Tony would like to talk to you.

Oh, please do not make me
talk to him.

Oh, I know how awful
it's been being his genie,

but you... You just give him
a little short talk, okay?

I'll be back in a few minutes.

Make it short, huh?
Okay.

[CHUCKLES]

Uh, Jeannie...

Do not say my name or I will not
be able to control myself.

All right.

Look, I can understand
you wanting another master,

uh, getting tired of me, and...

But I don't understand
why you hate me.

You are not deceiving me.

You are an evil
and cunning devil.

Evil and cunning?

Uh, but this morning
I was adorable.

Uh, look, Jeannie,
I don't want you to hate me.

Ooh!
Please. Now, please. Jeannie?

Now, I... I...

BELLOWS:
Thank you, sergeant.

Just put those papers
on my desk.

Oh, uh, Major Nelson, I, uh...
I wonder if you would...?

You mind telling me
what you're doing?

Ice?

[♪]

[SNEEZES]

[GROANS]

Bless you, darling.

Huh?

What are you doing here?
Oh!

Well, I came
to nurse you, darling,

so that you can get better

and I can teach you how to swing
in 73 different languages.

Oh, you're going to be
the best-known playboy

in the whole world.

No, no.
I think we'll start in Rio.

We're not gonna start anyplace.

I... I'm an astronaut.
I'm no playboy.

Oh, don't be a drag, darling.

You're going to have
to give all that up.

[HUMMING]

I hope you can samba.

[SNEEZES]

Oh, dear, we're going to have
to stop that nonsense.

Look, if you'll just go away
and leave me alone...

Oh, there.
That's better.

Kiss me, Tony, baby.

Uh, I'm sorry, lady.
I... I've got work to do.

[LAUGHS]

I can't wait
to start training you.

Training me?
Yes, darling.

How you ever stood that square
sister of mine, I'll never know.

She and Major Healey
deserve one another.

Say, did you arrange for her

to fall in love
with Major Healey

and start hating me?

Ah, don't bother
to thank me, darling.

Perhaps we'll go to Marienbad.

It's very chic
this time of year.

How'd you do it, hm?
Or Gstaad.

Do you like to ski, darling?

How did you get Jeannie
to hate me?

Heh. It was terribly simple.
All I did was switch lotions.

Isn't that marvelous?
Oh, you switched the lotions.

Uh-huh. Marvelous.
She doesn't suspect a thing.

No, but she's not
terribly bright, you know.

You're a lot smarter
than she is.

Oh, I know, I know.
Isn't it heaven?

Yeah, I got to hand it to you,
all right.

Oh, I'm the greatest.
Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I still don't understand
how you were able

to switch the flasks without
Jeannie getting suspicious.

Oh, well, you see, darling,
I simply told her

that the white flask
had the love lotion

and the blue flask
had the hate lotion.

And then I changed them.

Isn't that marvelous?
Marvelous.

I'm going to arrange for you
to go without sleep.

I want you to spend
24 hours a day

figuring out ways to please me.

Well, I thought you were
the genie and I was the master.

Oh, well, of course, darling.
But I run a tight ship.

You'll see. You'll see.

But I hope you don't mind
if I run out to the office

and clean up a few things
before I resign.

Oh, well, I don't know why

you want to bother
with all that drivel,

but, uh, say, "Pretty please."

Pretty please.

Oh, this is going to be lovely!

[BOTH LAUGH] Yes.

All right, run along, pet.

But be back here by 6:00.

And don't be late

because if I lose my temper,
you'll just hate yourself.

I'll be back.
Yes, I know you will, darling.

Oh, you're gorgeous.

[GROWLS]

[SOFTLY]
Oh, dear. Heh.

[♪]

Mm. Mm.

Uh, tell the pastry chef
that, uh,

I don't like the kind
with the nuts.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Hm?

W-what does that mean?

I am the pastry chef.

Oh! Oh, of course you are.
I like the nuts.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Bonjour, Monsieur.

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

I must have the wrong place.
I must have...

Is this Major Healey's
apartment?

Major Healey.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

Make...
Make me a nut cake.

Thank you. Thank you. Mm. Bye.
Ah, gracias. Gra...

Hey, uh, Roge.
Oh, hi, Tony.

Hi.
Oh, look at the wine.

Let me take that whole bottle.
[BOTH LAUGH]

Hey, you came over just in time.

I'm getting married
in a few min...

Whoa, don't touch that.
Expensive.

Very good, very great.
Oh, sorry.

Oh, I'm getting married
in a few minutes here.

Just thought you'd drop by?

You're, uh, marrying someone?

Oh, it couldn't be helped.
She swept me off my feet.

I'd, uh...

ask you to be
the best man but, uh,

who wants to be married
in an oven?

[LAUGHS] Funny?

[LAUGHS] Yeah.

Uh, you can't marry Jeannie.

Mm, I had no choice.

I mean, I didn't want... I didn't
want to break her heart.

Well, no hard feelings though.

No hard feelings.

Oh, mm, wait, hold on,
you gotta taste these.

Mm. With the nuts.
These are delicious.

No, thank you.
I'm not terribly hungry.

Ah, I know how you feel.

Roge, can I just wish
the bride good luck?

Well, I don't want Jeannie
to hate my best friend.

Thanks.
Jeannie.

Oh, yes, adorable one.

[GASPS]

What is this pig doing here?

Oh, the pig came in
to wish us luck.

And, uh, wish you
a happy marriage.

Isn't that nice?

Ooh, shall I destroy him now?

Not now. We're in the middle
of an assignment.

Jeannie, you don't have
a thing to worry about.

Oh, he spoke my name again!
Make him stop!

Control yourself, Jeannie.

Uh, Roger, I'm sorry.
It's... It's all over.

Jeannie,

darling.

Oh! Now you shall die.

Hey, hey!

Oh, let us leave
for our wedding.

Everything is all arranged.

You... You think we should, uh,
leave him there like that?

Oh, very well.

Ah, how's that, Tony?
If he lies still

the knife will not hurt him.
Wonderful.

Yeah. How's that?

Wonderful, Roge.

Oh!

I cannot believe that we are
really going to be married.

Oh, neither can I...

Oh, oh, oh! A little cologne
for the bridegroom?

Ooh!

Now you shall both die.

What are you doing?

You are wicked
and evil men and you...

You should be punished.

Oh, he's an evil and wicked man.

Oh, I'm little Roge, you...?
You remember?

Tell her to stop it.

You tell her.
She's your genie.

Yeah. Yeah, well, I just
gave her back to you.

Thanks.

We shall see who is the bravest.

I know how brave I am.
Will you please stop the knife?

I'm not afraid.

Good for you.

As long as she doesn't...

As long as I do not what?

Nothing, nothing.
Tell me, what is it

you are afraid of?

It was nothing.
Just nothing.

You had better tell me or...

Just keep that white flask
away from me.

Ah, white flask?
White... Where?

Oh, please, don't...
Ah!

Oh, No, no.
So this is what

you are afraid of.

We've got a knife swinging here
at our throats

and you're afraid
of a little white flask.

Don't pour it on us, please!
Don't... Don't pour it on me.

I shall pour it
over both of you.

[BOTH SCREAM]

Both of you! Both of...!

Oh, master!

Oh, master, darling,
what have I done to you?

It's all right, Jeannie.
It's all over now.

ROGER:
Help!

Get him out of there, will you?

Oh!

[SIGHS]

Oh, boy. I've had some
close shaves in my time,

but that was ridiculous.

I do not understand
what happened.

This is what happened, Jeannie.

But that is my birthday present
from my sister.

The white bottle is
to make me love you better,

and the blue bottle is
to make me hate your enemies.

JEANNIE:
Oh!

TONY: Your sister
switched the flasks.

Oh, she did not.
Yes, she did.

Does this mean
the wedding's off?

Afraid so, Roger.
Oh...

Yeah, well, easy...
Easy come, easy go.

Oh, I am so glad it is all over.

No, it's not over quite yet.

Why?

Your sister wants
to make a slave of me.

And it's 6:00.

Oh.

[♪]

Six o'clock.

He doesn't know how lucky he is.

[TONY GROANING]

Easy. Easy, old man.
Oh, watch it.

Is that...?

Ah, my legs.

What is it?

I hope I'm not late.

What happened to him?

Your sister put a spell
on me before she left.

ROGER: She turned him
into an old man.

Yeah. Do something!

Well, I can't! I can't remove
the age spell of another genie.

Blast her!

Oh, wait, young lady!

And I want to be
a famous playboy.

We'll go to Marienbad and to Rio
and dance the samba all night.

[CHUCKLES]

And who will keep you awake,
darling?

She has a point there.

Huh? Oh. Shall we go, hm?

Ha! I'd be a laughingstock.

Darling, put him to bed

and give him some warm milk
and crackers.

I'm going where the action is.

Ew. Serves me right
for having such a dumb sister.

Ciao.

It worked! It worked!

Yeah.
It worked, I say!

I told you it would, master.
Ah!

Oh, you're wonderful,
darling. Yeah.

Jeannie, you're marvelous.

Now she will leave you alone.

I certainly hope.

I really cannot blame her
for trying to get you.

You are the most attractive man
I have ever met.

Well, that's very kind
of you, my dear.

Now, if you would just...

In fact, I cannot blame
any woman for trying to get you.

Well, most sweet of you,

but if you'd change me back
to my usual self,

I'd be very grateful.

I do not think so.

What?

Well, it is much safer this way.

You mean you're go...
You're gonna keep him old?

Well, yes. Then other women
will not bother him.

Yeah, well, surely you jest.

Now, turn me back
into my rightful self.

Oh, no, master, believe me,
it is for your own good.

You will enjoy being old.

I will take very good care
of you.

Do you hear this?
You will have milk and crackers

in the afternoon.
Milk and crackers?

And I will give you a nap,
and we can go to the park.

When it's warm
we can go dancing.

[♪]

[♪]