I Am... (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - I Am Hannah - full transcript

This program me contains strong
language and scenes of a sexual nature.

Hi.

Hey!

How you doing?

Good, thanks. How are you?

I'm good, good.

You're late. I'm late. I'm
sorry I'm late. I know.

It's OK.

I'm about 10 to 15 minutes
late in life, I've realised.

Are you, you're always late?

Yeah, it might be a good thing
for you to bear that in mind.



Yeah?

OK.

What were you thinking
when I texted you?

Erm, you want the honest answer?

Ooh...

Only the honest answer.

I was thinking, "Oh, this guy."

"Oh, THIS guy."

"This guy."

I dunno, like,

if it was anyone else, I would
have probably dismissed it and...

OK.

I don't know. I felt...

I don't know why. I don't
know why I felt this



differently.

That's good.

Yeah.

OK.

Oh, look.

"Together for over
65 years." Yeah.

"Let me not to
the marriage of true minds"

"admit impediment."

All right.

I have to sit here now. OK.

Wow.

65 years. Imagine being
with someone for 65 years.

Mate, that's... That's crazy.

Yeah.

Is that the dream?
Would that be the dream?

Like, is that your dream?

Maybe, yeah, with
the right person.

Yeah. I guess you
can't really know.

You can't really know
that, starting out.

Erm...

But, yeah, that would be...

The idea of it's nice.

I think so.

Hey,
Hannah. It's James.

Erm...

I just wanted to say, I hope you
like me as much as I like you.

Or even... or even
half as much, erm...

I'm thinking about you, and, er,
yeah, let's do something else.

Yeah,
exactly. It's just...

Yep, all right then.
No, no, no worries.

Thank you very
much, though, for...

All right. Cheers,
buddy. Cheers, thanks.

So have you been on many of
these, er, swipe right dates?

No, I'm pretty new
to it, actually.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

What did you do before?

Fell into things by
accident. Oh, OK.

What about you? Have
you done this a lot?

Yeah, I've... I've defeated...
I've clocked the dating apps.

Like, I'm waiting for, like,
number two to come out.

Oh, you've completed them?
I've completed it, yeah. OK.

Clocked is like a gaming...
OK, sorry, I'm not a gamer.

It's a term.

Erm, yeah, no, a lot, a
lot, and I should stop,

but when you're just in
the office all the time

and you're sort of, like, meeting
the same people, then you've got...

Your time's precious. You haven't
got a lot of time, you know.

It makes sense, erm, yeah.

And, er, good, good experiences?

Good and bad, sometimes people
look nothing like their picture.

And this is going to sound bad,

but, like, one girl literally
turned up and she had, like,

two extra chins.

No, I know that sounds...
You know what I mean, though?

It's like why are we starting on
a lie? I don't have a problem.

I don't necessarily need
a girl to be skinny, or...

I'm not really bothered,
that bothered about size,

but, like, let's
not start on a lie.

We're starting a date with
an elephant in the room.

Do you know what I mean?

An elephant in the room?

No, I didn't... Sorry!

No. Sorry, I know what you're
saying. I know what you're saying.

Yeah, you know what I'm saying.

So what made you,
erm, start swiping?

Erm...

I dunno. I guess I'm...

I'm hoping to meet some
interesting people, maybe,

and just see what happens.

But you're not looking for
anything specific, or...?

What, like, a husband,
you know, or...

Well, I don't... I don't mean, like,
second date, let's get married,

but, yeah, you're going in
there with an intention,

like, some people are on
it just to have a shag

and some people are on
it for other things.

Mm, yeah, possibly, possibly.

I haven't, I haven't made up my
mind about all that stuff yet.

At all?

At your age? Not like that.

I know it sounds
bad, but at your age,

you must have thought about
it. Clock ticking, all that?

Mm, well...

Yeah, I've thought about
it. I haven't decided.

Erm...

You haven't thought about kids?

Thought about it.

Still thinking about it.

What I...

I suppose I just... I don't know
exactly what it is that I want yet,

and I'm still trying
to figure it out.

So why are you on a date?

This date?

Yeah, why are you on this date?

I don't know. I thought we were
getting to know each other,

having, having a chat.

You seem like an interesting guy and
I thought we could see what happens.

When you say "see what happens," do
you mean actually see what happens,

or you mean... Yeah.

You look annoyed.

I'm not annoyed. I just know
what I want out of this,

and if I meet someone, I'm
meeting, thinking, what is this,

and what can this be, and, er,

I don't mean to put pressure
or anything like that,

I just mean...

I just... I just
waste a lot of time.

I've been on a lot of these
dates, and I just feel sometimes

it's getting a little
bit frustrating when

someone's just come out of a
relationship or someone's not ready.

I sort of just feel like I need
people to be a lot more honest so...

I know that can be abrasive
for some people, but,

yeah, that's what I'm asking.

Er, I do feel...

Because I don't think
you know what you want.

See, I think you're
wasting my time.

I think you're here to find
yourself or use me to find yourself,

or use me to find
what you really want,

and that's just fucking
wasting my time, to be honest.

So I think we should
just leave it here, yeah?

OK. I'm right, right?

I'm... I'm right, right?

You... Yeah, it's
a fucking joke.

You seem to think you're
right. I'm right. OK, yeah.

Thanks for wasting my
fucking time. Peace.

Ugh...

Wow, wow...

What do you want, Mum?

Erm, a herbal, please.

Is camomile all right?

Lovely.

Do you want me to
leave your tea bag in?

Yes, please.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Do you remember what your
grandmother used to say?

She used to say,

"There is no path to happiness.

"Happiness is the path." I know.

Yep.

It feels strange,
not having her there,

but you have to build your
own happiness, Hannah.

You, you are very smart,

you're strong,

you're beautiful. Ugh...

Yeah, you are, really.

And

you can have everything, Hannah,

but it doesn't happen by itself.

And sometimes you have to
make conscious decisions

about what you want in life,

and make a plan,
and stick to it.

You don't need to
worry about me, Mum.

I'm all right.

I'm fine, Mum.

Erm, I don't think
you are, Hannah...

I'm, I'm happy, Mum!

I really don't think you are.

Oh, fucking hell...

I know this is going
to sound silly, Hannah,

but one day you're going to wake
up and you're going to be 40.

Well, they say that
40 is the new 20,

50's the new 30, so

I think it's...
It's not that bad.

You might look great,

but your body will be that
of a 40-year-old woman, and.

I don't want you to

miss out on building a family

and sharing your
life with somebody.

Of building a really loving,
meaningful relationship.

Oh, my God, Mum...

All I really care about
is your happiness.

I don't want to just
sit here and watch you,

and have cups of
tea once a month,

while your life just
drifts by and then you...

Mum, please, please,
please drop this.

OK, I'm sorry, I'm sorry that
you don't have grand kids

to play with yet... It's not,

so just please leave it.

It's not about that, Hannah. It's
not about me having grandchildren.

It's about the whole
of your life, darling.

You can't meet Mr Wonderful
when you're 60, darling.

Bye, Mum.

Hey! Oh, hey,
hello! How are you doing?

How are you doing? Hey, darling.

How are you doing? Yeah, I'm
good, thanks. How are you?

Yeah, good.

So this is Gabriel.
Oh, my gosh! Ahh...

Hello! He's gorgeous.

Aw, thanks.

Yeah, he is quite
cute, isn't he?

Gosh. I got you a
little something.

Aw, thank you.
I'll pop it down...

That's really kind. I'll pop
it down here. Thanks so much.

Yes.

So, how are you?

We're good.

I mean, the lack of
sleep thing is difficult,

but apart from that
I feel really good.

I'm feeling really
happy, quite contented.

I don't think I was expecting
to feel the big love rush thing

that everyone talks
about, but it's all true.

And Tim's been brilliant.

He's been just an
absolute Trojan.

He's there every step of the way,
with the, sort of, the 2am feeds,

and the 4am feeds, and changing
nappies in the middle of the night.

He takes it all in his
stride, and he's amazing.

It's really brought out
the best in him, I think.

And the best in us, I think.

Oh!

Yeah, yeah.

Do you want to hold him?

Yeah. Yeah?

Why not? Cool.

Are you sure?

Yeah, he's quite chilled.

Which side do you
want his head? Erm...

Left or right?

No, I can... Yeah, right, I
guess. Just straight over? OK.

Oh, God...

I don't want him to wake
up. No, it's all right.

Oh, a quick changeover.

Aww...

Hello.

Hi!

Waking up?

So cute.

You're so cute.

Oh, he's beautiful.

I'm so happy for you.

Ah, thank you!

Honestly, it's...

It's amazing. It's
amazing, what you've done.

Oh, love...

Oh, love, what's going on? It's
all right. Nothing, honestly.

Come on. Are you all
right? What's happening?

I'm fine. I'm just...

Yeah.

Shit.

OK.

Hi. Hey.

Hi. Yep. How are you doing?

I'm good, thanks. How are
you? Erm, great, good.

Sorry if I've kept you waiting.

No, no, no, not at all.

It's been, like, 10
minutes, but it's fine.

It's fine... I ordered
a, sort of, a small beer,

and I've drunk a bit of it, so
I'm, er, pretty much raring to go.

What, er, do you want a
drink? Erm, yeah, why not?

Er, what can I get you?

Hi. What can I get you?

Erm, can I have a vodka
cranberry juice, please?

Sure, no problem. Thank you.

So, how was your day?

Er, er, good, good.

I sort of do... I do, like,
freelance copy writing.

I'll tell you what I wrote.

Right, it's... Erm, so there's
a button you have to click

to get into the
website... Mm-hm.

And, er, I gave them five
different options, and... Yep.

We went with, eventually,

"Click here."

So there you go, three years at
university. How crafty, yeah.

Pretty solid, erm...

Well, there you go.

OK, here's where I'm at.

Sometimes, I want to meet someone
who I can find peace with,

total fucking
tranquillity, but then,

but then sometimes I just want

fucking chaos, you know?

I want that person to be mad,

and drive me insane and
torment me even more.

You know? So tell me,
what's Hannah looking for?

What are you after?

I don't know. I suppose when
it comes to a relationship,

I want to have the freedom to be

myself,

like completely myself.

And...

I don't know if I've ever really
had that in a relationship.

Like, don't we want
contradictory things from people?

Like, we like the idea of safety

and security and love and care

and someone to feel like home,

and of course we want
that, we need that,

but then there's another side of us
that wants novelty and excitement,

and the new, and...

I don't know how
you resolve that.

I don't know how you resolve
that with just one person, so

I know that I don't
want to be tied down.

I know that I want excitement.

I like sex.

I...

I don't know, I guess, sometimes
I feel like a bit of a freak,

compared to other
women that I know,

I mean, most of my friends
from school and uni,

they're already settling down,

some are on their, you know,
their second or third kid,

and I worry sometimes that
I'm going to be left behind

before I figure my
shit out, you know?

I don't know.

Yeah.

You're pretty
fucking incredible,

as far as I'm concerned, but...

Erm...

I'm just going to go to the loo.

Yep, no, yeah. That's fine, yep.

All right. Sorry!

Hey, hey. Come on, now.

You want to be free, don't you?

Hey, hey, slow down.
You want to fucking...

Slow down.

Come on, let's go,
let's go back upstairs.

I know you want... Let's
go back upstairs. Come on,

slow down, slow down, slow down!

No, come on...

Get off!

Fuck.

So, yeah, I was telling you that
my parents had a dinner party

a few weeks ago, and they were,
like, had all their friends over,

and they were all, like,
they brought all their kids,

and it was, like, so mental

but it was so, so, so fun.

We had, like, like, this huge table
for all, like, my mum and dad's

friends, and then we had, like,
another table for all the kids,

and it was just so fun.

Like, everybody was together, and
they were all telling stories about

being on holidays with
their kids, and, like,

the kids were like running about,
all being friends together,

they've all known each other
since they were little,

and I was just like,
oh, my God, like,

I want that.

Like, I want to have that
relationship with someone,

that's like my person, my
partner, and my husband,

and I want to have the house and,
you know, the white picket fence,

and the children and the dog,

and the nice kitchen with
the island in the middle,

and I know that, you know, I
know that sounds materialistic

but I think it's more than that.

I don't know, I guess I just
don't see the point in being

in a relationship
for the sake of it.

Like, what's the point?

What's the point in being
with someone who isn't right,

just cos you're
scared of being alone?

You know, I would
rather be on my own than

be with someone who isn't right.

And I see so many women, and
so many people that we know,

they've panicked and they have
settled for, like, the next guy,

this, like, he'll do, I've
just got to have kids, and,

and I just, I don't
want to be that person.

I, I want something more, I...

I do.

And you know what
my biggest fear is?

My biggest fear is that
actually I'm getting it wrong,

and maybe my mum's right, I'm going
to wake up and I'm going to be...

And it's going to be too late,
and I'm going to realise too late

that that is what I want,

that is what I want
and I've fucked it up.

I'm terrified of fucking it up.

Fucking ridiculous, actually.

It's so fucking unfair.

It's so fucking unfair that we
even have to think about this now.

Guys can decide to have kids when
they're 50, it's not an issue,

but the moment we hit 35, it's,
like, you've got to decide now

or it's going to be too late.

And like, you know,

what we've been told from, like,
our teenage years to our 20s,

like, it's like the worst thing
that can happen is to get pregnant.

It's, like, the end, your
life will be over, right?

That's what we're told,

that's, like, drilled into
us from such a young age,

and then suddenly it's,
like, it switches,

it goes from, like, don't
get pregnant, to, like,

you'd better fucking get pregnant
or, or you've missed your chance.

And that's, like, literally that
change happens in like five years

in your 30s, and it's
just, like, what the fuck?

So now, in this tiny space of
time, I'm meant to find the guy,

the perfect guy, the guy
that I could potentially

spend the rest of my life with,
and do that, and get all that done?

I just think it's insane,

I think it's crazy, I
think it's fucking crazy.

I just... And I don't want
to buy into any of that crap,

but, yeah, I still, obviously,
I'm bothered by this crap.

Good morning. Morning, I have
an appointment with Dr Saris.

Sure, can I have
your name? Hannah Li.

If you'd just like to take a
seat, he'll be with you shortly.

Thanks.

Obviously, it very much depends
on who's doing the egg freezing,

what their age is and how
many eggs we can get as well.

The success rate of
somebody who's in their 20s,

where you might have
10 or 12 eggs frozen,

might be as high as 40% or 50%,

but for a woman
who's in her 40s,

the success rate
can be as low as 1%.

So, at the age that you are,
very roughly, we would expect

about a 3% to 4% chance of
each egg to give us a baby.

Three to four? Per egg.

But of course if we
have a number of eggs,

ten eggs, or a dozen
eggs, for example,

it can be anywhere between 20%,
25%, maybe even 30% success rate.

Egg freezing is like
an insurance policy,

but actually it's not a
very good insurance policy,

because you'd expect a good
insurance policy to pay out

every time that you need it, as
opposed to this is a might pay out.

But it's the best that we have,

unfortunately we have
nothing better than that.

It's hope, though, isn't it?

It is hope, but it wouldn't be
right for me to tell somebody

that this is a guarantee, when
in fact it's just a possibility.

You OK?

Lift going down.

Ground floor.

Don't look so worried.

Mum.

It's OK.

It went really
well, really well.

OK?

Look, he was amazing, the doctor,
you know, he really reassured me

and we talked through
everything, and,

yeah, I'm, I'm going to do it.

I am.

You should be happy for me,

you should be happy
that I'm going to have,

I'm going to have some options,
I'm going to have some more time.

It's a good thing.

It really is, it's a good thing.

You know, yeah,

I can, in a few years, if
I've met someone we can,

you know, we could, we
could do this together.

Or if I haven't met someone
I could do it on my own,

it's all possible.

It's brilliant, really.

I promise you.

Don't look so worried.

Come here.

It's all right.

I really wish you'd
been there, actually.

If you'd heard
what he had to say,

I think you'd feel so
much better about it.

Come on.

Honestly, it's really
exciting, what they can do.

It's OK.

It's OK, look, you were the one
who told me to come up with a plan,

this is my plan.

It's a good plan.

Are you sure?

I'm sure.

OK, Hannah, what I'm
going to do now is

I'm just going to
insert the probe.

You might feel a
little bit of pressure.

And, if you want, you can
look at the screen as well.

So here, I'm just
looking at the womb.

This little triangle
inside is the cavity,

and you'll see just
here how on either side

the tubes are going
out of the womb.

And we'll check that
a little bit later.

And here what we're looking
at is the ovary on one side,

this little grey area.

And what I'm trying to see is how
many of these little black spots

I can see inside, which is
where eggs are developing.

OK, so now that we've looked
at the ovaries and the womb,

I'm just going to arrange for
you to have your blood test

and after that I'll see you
back in the consulting room.

So for somebody of your age, we'd
expect to see 15 or 16 of these

little developing follicles
with their eggs inside.

But when I scanned you,

unfortunately what I
saw was one follicle.

Now, the blood test that we did

it's another way at looking
what's happening in your ovaries,

and again, your result
came back very low.

In combination, those
two tests tells us

that the number of eggs your
ovary is releasing every month

is much less than we would
expect for someone of your age.

The final test that we
did looks at the tubes

that connect the ovaries
to the womb. Mm-hm.

And, unfortunately what
that test showed us

is that both tubes
appear to be blocked,

and not to be working properly.

So

What exactly does
that mean for me?

Well, the chance of achieving a

natural pregnancy on
your own is very low.

Now, for egg freezing
to be something

which is worthwhile from
an insurance point of view,

we would want to be able to
collect a good number of eggs.

And based on today's,
uh, information,

we would be very unlikely to be
able to collect that number of eggs,

even with multiple cycles
of egg freezing. OK.

Also, even if we tried to do
something like IVF, although not

impossible, the chance of success
would be very low as well.

OK.

I know it's a lot to
process right now.

We can arrange for another meeting
to talk about it again. Mm.

Also, what a lot of
women find useful is

maybe speak to a counsellor.

I can give you details
for that as well.

OK, yeah, erm

yeah, that would be, that would
be good, thank you. Thank you.

Do you have any other questions?

Anything else I can help
you with at this moment?

No, no, no other questions.

Thanks very much.

MUSIC PLAYS

I used to think there was
something wrong with me.

Cos I'd get bored
of people so easily.

I mean, at this bit for example

most of the time, like after

after I've done it,
like I just kind of.

I'm not interested anymore. Like,
I could take it or leave it. Mm.

But, erm...

I just

I don't know, well.

I'm really liking this.

I'm really, really
liking this and... Hm.

I just kind of, erm...

I don't want to leave.

I, erm.

I don't want to mess this up.

Let's not worry about kids.

We don't have to
worry about kids,

This is

just about you and me.

This could be that
65 year thing.

This, this is the one.

Fucking hell.

Oh, my God.

I don't get you,
I do not get it.

Are you telling me that all
that stuff you said to me,

about how I make you feel?

You do. Right?

And now you just want, you
just want to dash it all away?

That's not what I'm saying. Hm?

I can't carry on with you
as if nothing has happened,

things have changed for me.

And I feel like I can be
OK, but I need some time.

Honestly, I don't think I can
be in a relationship right now.

Can you understand that?

Isn't there a world, right,
where I can help with that?

I don't want you... I cannot rely on
someone else to get me through this.

I need to know that
I've done it for myself.

And I'm sorry, I know you want to
be the knight in shining arm our,

and you want to just, you know,
help me pick up the pieces,

but to be honest, and that's

I don't mean to sound
disrespectful, but I need to...

I need you to understand why
I need to do this by myself.

I have to.

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