Hung (2009–2011): Season 3, Episode 6 - Money on the Floor - full transcript

Ladies and gentlemen,

the captain has just turned
off the seat belt sign.

At this time you are free
to move about the cabin.

- Wine helps.
- Excuse me?

So does Xanax.

I have some in my purse
if you want.

Why? Do I seem
nervous to you?

Business or pleasure?
Your trip.

Excuse me, sir? Is that your leather
carry-on in the overhead compartment?

Probably, yeah.

Do you need me to move it?



- If you don't mind.
- Sure.

I don't mind.

Sure.

Sorry, pardon me. No,
don't get up. Don't get up.

- Are you sure? Okay.
- Yeah.

I got it, thank you.
Excuse me.

- Would you mind holding that?
- Oh sure, thanks.

Okay, put it in.
Put it in.

Whoa-ho-ho.
That was a big one.

Don't- don't you think

we should probably
go back to our seats?

No no no no, it's okay.
Just give it to me.

Good morning, everybody.

Looks like we've hit
a nasty patch of weather



as we approach Chicago.
Please take your seats.

- Shut the fuck up, Carl!
- Captain says we should return-

Don't worry about anything.

- Whoa.
- Oh God.

You really are scared,
aren't you?

Well, uh-

Yeah. All right,
just give me a minute.

- It's okay.
- Honey, don't worry about anything.

Those seat belts are
not gonna help you.

Nothing out there can help you.

If we go down, we go down.

Ladies and gentlemen, at this time, we
ask you to please return to your seats.

So you might as well fuck me!

Okay, concentrate
and then fuck me.

Look at my tits.
Does that help?

Her tits did help.

But I couldn't get
the thought out of my head...

- Yeah!
- ...that at any moment, at any place,

it could all
come crashing down.

Charlie, I'm home.

They didn't have the-

the canned plum tomatoes
that you wanted,

so I got the fresh ones-
fresh ones instead.

Hey, baby. This lovely
lady came looking for you.

Aww.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Are you her other hooker?
- Get the fuck outta here.

Sandee, how can I help you?

Okay, look now,
I'll just say it.

Lenore-
I mean, she's a bitch.

- I'm so sorry about my language.
- It's okay.

But I mean
she is a fucking cunt.

And we'd like
to try something new,

maybe work for you guys.

You want me to pimp
your fiance?

Yes.

That is a very
interesting proposal,

isn't it, Tanya?

Sandee, I will certainly
consider your offer.

However, I am just not currently in
the market for additional gigolos.

Will he do dudes?

- What?
- Your fiance.

Will he fuck men?

Yes, I think
that can be arranged.

Hey.
What are you doing here?

- We're moving in.
- How'd you get in the house?

There was a key under
the rock by the door.

- Did you go somewhere?
- On a business trip.

- How long have you, uh...
- We got here this morning.

Mom is pissed.

This is why they shouldn't
have their own car, Ray.

They can't just come and
go whenever they please.

They're kids, Jess.
Let 'em blow off some steam.

You know?
Let 'em stay the weekend.

I don't want them
to stay the weekend.

I want them to come back.

Yep, just when you
least expect it,

the whole thing comes
crashing down.

They- they won't be
very happy.

I don't care if they're happy.
Do they strike you

as particularly happy
people in general?

You have got to support me on
this, even if you don't agree.

Ray, you can't let them
play us against each other.

- Jess?
- Oh God. Ray.

Yeah. Jess, let me
call you back.

Ow.

Hey, guys,

uh, did you see anything

like out of the ordinary

- when you came in?
- Uh, you left the TV on.

Uh- the back door's
unlocked.

Hey, Mrs. Koontz.
Yael?

Yael, did you see anybody
suspicious come into my home?

- Anybody at all? - I don't pay
attention to your visitors, Ray.

I have better things to do.

Okay, so nothing strange,

no break-ins?

I think 69-ing on the dock
is strange, Ray,

but what do I know?

Oh, you had a break-in.
Low.

Maybe it was the lady with the
crazy hair who's always yelling.

- Uh-
- Maybe it was the cop

who arrested you in front
of my house last week.

Maybe it was the redhead who
liked to walk around in the nude-

Miss Fire-Crotch, right?

Okay, thanks.

- Hey. Hi, Ray.
- Tanya, my shoebox is gone.

My money that I keep
in my shoebox,

- somebody took it.
- Ray, you keep your money in a shoebox?

Yeah, it was hidden.
Don't laugh.

- Banks can go belly-up.
- Yeah, and houses burn down, Ray.

It's not the smartest move
in the world.

Oh God.
How much did they get?

- Five grand. - Well, you know,
that has Lenore written all over it.

Tanya, who are you talking to?

Who's that?
Is somebody with you?

- What?
- Is somebody with you?

No, it's no one.

It's my friend.
It's my friend.

- Okay. Well, um-
- Let's just go find Lenore.

I'll see you in half an hour.

Oh God.

What?

- Ray's money was stolen.
- You gonna sign up that other dude?

Jason? No.

Look, Ray and I have a
unique business relationship.

- And he's worth it. All right?
- All right.

Well, if you're not
gonna take him,

I might make a move.

Y- you want to be
Jason's pimp?

Yeah.
If you don't.

It's money on the floor.

I gotta go.

Uh um...

- Is Lenore here?
- Foot massage?

No no, we need Lenore Bernard.

Don't do that here.
Just massage.

- I think-
- No no, she lives here.

It's, uh-
it's, uh, Lenore.

Lenore Bernard?
She's tall, red hair.

Red hair?

Redhead gone.

What?

Hey, do you really think
that she would...?

No, Ray, no. She's too
much of a narcissist.

She's never gonna kill herself.

I don't know.
Who knows?

What do we really know
about her? We know nothing.

Listen, a certain business
opportunity has presented itself.

- What opportunity?
- Well, I don't know.

I think it has enormous growth potential
and it could really boost our earnings.

- What is it?
- All right.

Sandee came to see me
yesterday- Jason's fiancee.

- Jason being...
- Exactly.

And she was investigating the
possibility of us teaming up

on the D.L.
Lenore wouldn't know about it.

We'd bring Jason on
as an additional consultant

and then take a percentage.

Kind of like a merger.

Are you fricking kidding me?

Well, no.
I mean...

I don't know.
Maybe.

- My money is missing, Tanya.
- I thought it could be good.

I am suddenly broke and you want
to talk to me about this now?

I'm sorry.
It was a bad time.

I'm sorry I brought it up.

It wasn't the right time.

- I'll say.
- Never mind. It's fine.

Lisa, I want you to put the
bottle down. Did you put it down?

Getting your stomach pumped
is awful, Lisa.

You get all barfy and your
mouth tastes like chalk.

Uh, does Lenore Bernard
work here?

I don't think so.
Do you mean Lenore Russell?

- There she is.
- Sir?

- Is she expecting you?
- Why take a whole bottle and go to the hospital

when you can just take a couple,
drink a Martini and feel fantastic?

It's great.
Think about it.

Okay, buzz me if you crater.

We don't do walk-ins, Ray.
You got to call.

Oh yeah? They actually
let you work in this place?

It's volunteer. I'm giving
back to my community.

People who are gonna kill themselves,
they want to talk to me first.

Look at you, all sexy.

It's good to see you
again, Ray.

Where's my shoebox, Lenore?

Are you coming on to me?

Look, I know you did it.

Okay?
I probably have witnesses.

- So give it back.
- I have no idea what you're talking about, Ray.

Stacy, is your
garage door open?

Open your garage door.

Did you break in to my house

and steal my shoebox
full of money?

Stace, hold on a sec.
Ray, you're an asshole.

I am dealing here with people
with real problems, okay?

All you have is a big dick
and a missing shoebox.

And right now
I don't care about either.

I have better things
to do with my time

than creep around
your burnt-out house.

I'm trying to save lives.

Stacy?

Sweetheart, did you open the
door? Please open the door.

Open the door
and turn the engine off.

No? Okay.

You need a jump?

Oh no, that's...

That's okay.
I got it.

Yeah, I can see that.

- I'm Kyla.
- I'm Ray.

I know.
I asked Lenore about you.

She told me,
you know, your deal.

- My deal?
- Yeah.

So how does it work?

How does what work?

Is there someone

I'm supposed to call
to set things up?

You can talk to me.

Doctor's office.

Mmm.
Hmm-mm-mm.

Patsy, great job
on that blood work.

Knocked it out
of the park. A+.

Uh, Jessica?

Could I speak to you
privately for a minute?

Have a seat.

That's okay.

Uh, listen, Jessica.

What happened the other
night was, um-

it brought some things
to the surface for me.

I thought we weren't
gonna talk about that here.

See, I've had box seats at
tiger stadium for 10 years.

And every game I get
two hot dogs - mustard/relish.

- Okay.
- And then they built the new stadium

and I got the corporate box.

And the first game, they
brought me filet mignon.

And it was delicious-

I mean juicy and succulent.

But what happened?

I missed the dogs.

Mindy and I are gonna
try to work things out.

You don't have
to tell me this, Matt.

- It's- it's fine.
- I do.

I do because I'm happy
with you working here.

I love your office presence.

Thank you.
I hope it's nice.

But Mindy - ugh.
She's not that happy about it.

You told Mindy about us?

In the spirit of honesty.

Matt, are you firing me?

What? No!

Because of some
sexual relationship

we may or may not have had?

That is out of the question.

- Okay.
- I have always said

your job is totally intact.

That is, if you want it to be.

But if you
feel uncomfortable-

No hard feelings.

The fricking shoebox.

If Lenore didn't
take it, who did?

I was saving all that money
to take my kids

on a college trip.

What?

All right, I'll come around.

Why don't you call
like a normal person?

You never call, Ray.
Anyway, this is important.

A mixer.

I think we should get to know
them before you make up your mind.

- Hang out with who?
- Sandee and Jason.

I think you should
rethink them.

You're unbelievable, Tanya.
I already said no.

Just drop it.

Look, I want this
business to grow.

- I want to merge.
- Well, I don't.

Well, that's like poor people
who say they're Republican

and then they vote against
their own self-interests, Ray.

Just think about us
for a change, please?

Oh, I am. And I don't
think they're good for us.

No, you don't think
it's a good idea for you,

but Jason is
a very good idea for us.

Jason is gonna make
a lot of money, Ray.

I mean, he'll have
sex with anyone.

He'll have sex with guys.
I mean he's full-service,

Jason- he's good to go.

I hope the three of you

are very happy together.

You know, Charlie says
I don't need your approval.

Who cares what you think?

He says this is
a great opportunity

and that I should go for it.
And that's what I'm gonna do.

- Who's Charlie?
- What?

Who the hell is Charlie?

My- my- my...

My boyfriend.

Boyfriend?

Now some joker was
giving her business advice.

Tanya ain't around.

- Are you...?
- Am I what?

You're Charlie.

Yeah.

What can I do for you, man?

You got a minute?

Sure.

Hey, you wanna
taste this for me?

Listen, Charlie, I don't know what's
going on between you and Tanya.

It's none of my business
and I don't care.

But what's going on
between me and Tanya,

you see, that's none
of your business.

What?

Oh look, man, you don't
want me in your business.

I respect that.

But the problem is Tanya.

She kind of makes it
my business.

And we both know
that her judgment

is kinda hazy
when it comes to you.

So when she
comes to me all upset

about the shit
that you pull-

telling her to blow away
a business opportunity

and coming whining to her
like some kinda baby bitch?

Hey hey hey, buddy,
all due respect,

what the fuck
are you talking about?

- You're holding her back, Ray.
- I'm what?

You're a stubborn middle-age
ho who don't do dudes.

Come on.
You wanna listen up

and just let
the truth permeate?

Because this ain't about you.

It's about dollars and cents.

You got to open yourself to
the economics of the situation.

Ah.
Okay.

- Got it.
- Your dick got an expiration date, Ray.

Maybe not today,
maybe not tomorrow,

but sometime.

And the smart move
would be to think ahead,

maybe see this Jason kid

as your 401k.

Huh?

You're a vampire!
You're a vampire!

You're, um, Robert Pattinson.

Uh, uh, uh, Taylor Lautner. "Twilight"!

No, Ian Somerhalder.
Help me out!

Buffy-

- Time! Time.
- What are you?

Dracula.
I was Dracula.

The vampire?

He's the first one.
The first vampire?

The first-

Okay, it's my turn.
I don't know this one.

Skip it!

- I don't know this one.
- Skip it.

I don't know that one.
I don't know this one either.

- Sandee, skip it.
- Easy, tiger.

Whoa whoa, no, I know this one! Here.

- Okay, um...
- You didn't know those other ones?

- I'm ready.
- Ready...

- Yeah.
- ...go!

- Ke$ha- you're Ke$ha!
- Mike Tyson. Janet Jackson.

- Madonna.
- Britney Spears.

- Christina Aguilera...
- Me and the Mickey Mouse Club...

- The dawn of a new age.
- Oh my God.

- I'm so old.
- Uh... Katy Perry?

Backstreet Boy-
Michael Jackson?

Uh uh...
Justin Timberlake?

Kelly Clarkson?
Kanye West?

- I'm sorry.
- Beyonce.

I didn't want
to do this without you,

but we have to adapt.
We have to try.

It's okay.

It's okay?

It's okay.

Tito Jackson?
The Jackson Five!

Yeah.

Beyonce.

"Glee!" "Glee!"
Beyonce.

They got a lot of energy.

Yeah, I'll give
'em that. Yeah.

Super pumped, man.

Awesome!

I want first dibs

and I want 20% of
everything the kid makes.

- Okay, deal.
- '80s boy bands.

Ray, you wanna play?

- It's a good move. I don't know who it is.
- No.

I, uh-
I gotta go.

I meant to tell you-
I found a new client.

You set up a date?

Yeah, when I was fixing my car.

I think it's gonna be good.

- I'll give you the details later.
- Okay, that's great, Ray.

- Kelly Clarkson?
- You know you're living with a pimp, right?

- Yeah, I know.
- Okay.

I don't know.

Okay, here we go. Yes.

- Okay.
- Whoo!

That's good, that's good.
Rodeo. Rodeo.

Rodeo.

You got it, you got it.

Come on, headwrush, headwrush.

Double dig 'em
with a swing step.

Okay, good good.
All right, swing step out.

Round about.
Round about.

Round about.
Whoo! Tap front.

Tap front.
Tap front.

Infection. You've got
it. That's it, that's it.

Whoo!

Okay, that's it.

Enough.

Just when you
were getting good.

Yeah, fantastic.

I mean it.

I'm glad your car broke down.

Me too.

And I'm really glad
you wanted to do this.

Yeah, I know.
This is- this is great.

This is what I do.

- Nice shoes, T-Brain.
- What are you doing here?

- I wanted to talk to you.
- Look, what do you want?

Ray came to see me yesterday.

Apparently someone stole his
shoebox and he thought it was me.

I wonder why he'd think that.

All right, Tanya, as you know,

I am now working with a
very talented young gigolo.

But he's got a girlfriend. I
think she stole Ray's money.

All right, well,
you'll forgive me

if I don't believe you, Lenore.

Yeah, that's right.
Good night.

I almost forgot. I've
been so distracted lately.

Kyla, this new girl
who's on a date with Ray,

she wanted me
to tell him-

but I've just been
so busy- I meant to,

but I didn't even know if
it'd be a problem for him.

All right, what is it?

The woman Ray's
on a date with is a man.

She's a man.

Oh wow.