Hung (2009–2011): Season 3, Episode 5 - We're Golden or Crooks and Big Beaver - full transcript

I thought we cut this lady loose.

Yeah, we need to reconsider that.

***.

Ow.

We need to talk.

I got a job that might interest you.

Does it pay 400$?

Freeze.

What the fuck?

You like musicals.

Please,



you're good, I'm good.

I gotta go.

Ray, Rita's a cop.

- Ray Drecker, you're under arrest.
- For what?

Prostitution, motherfucker.

♪ Need a new love? ♪

♪ hey, I'm ready ♪

♪ want my time? ♪

♪ and I'm willing, yeah ♪

♪ 'cause I'm the one ♪

♪ who's gonna show ♪

♪ when there's nobody ♪

♪ I'll be your man ♪

♪ yeah, I'm the one ♪



♪ who's gonna show ♪

♪ when there's nobody ♪

♪ I'll be your man ♪

♪ I'll be your man ♪

♪ all right. ♪

Where-- where are we going?

Lydia.

Uh, Lydia.

Um, can-- can we--?

Yeah, Lydia, listen.

I-- I know maybe--
I think--

Tanya said that, you know, there was,
I think, a big misunderstanding.

Okay, I get that
you're pretty sore at me.

Maybe I didn't handle
our situation

the right way and you're upset.

Is-- is this about me
leaving the business?

Because, you know, that's--
that's not a done deal.

I mean Africa can wait,
if that's what--

Ow. Fuck.

Ow. Ow.

You think I'm blind?

What? What?

- Think I'm retarded?
- Lydia.

I'm there thinking I'm gonna
have sex with your penis

and get another penis instead?

Please say a command.

Call Tanya Scagle.

- Call Tabitha Kagen.
- Scagle.

Call-- call Tanya Scagle.

Did you say,
"Call Timothy Kilroy"?

Call

Tanya Scagle.

- Dialing.
- ♪ Love love love love ♪

♪ love is on your side ♪

♪ love's on your side ♪

♪ love... ♪

Ray, I've been calling you
all night.

Oh man, is that your ho?

She arrested me, Tanya.

Who?

Lydia.

Wait, where are you?
Are you in jail?

I'm at the Swifty Mart, you know,
the one on Crooks and Big Beaver.

Why Swifty Mart?

Tanya, I need you to put
your brain on, okay?

I don't know.

She stopped for cigarettes.

Okay okay okay, did you
try talking to her?

Maybe she's just--

She won't talk to me.

She's talking about
a different penis.

Last time I checked,
I only got the one.

Okay, you know what?
I will take care of it.

I will call her and reason with her.
I will talk her off the cliff.

You just-- you sit tight
and you stay calm.

Oh my-- Fuck.
Oh my God. Jesus.

- What?
- Lydia, hi. What's up?

Not much.

That's cool.
Are-- are you feeling

a little stressed out
lately maybe?

Not really. Why?

Um, I just felt uneasy
about the way we left things.

I-- I just thought
maybe you--

you weren't completely
satisfied.

Oh no, just peachy.

The conversation we had yesterday--
very helpful.

In fact, I love the new guy you
sent over without telling me.

Lydia, you know what?
In retrospect,

it was--
it was probably

the wrong thing for me to do

to book you for our--
our surprise plan.

So why don't we just meet
and talk about it?

I've got time.
Do you have time

right now?
I could come to you.

- Sounds good, Tanya.
- Good.

- Oh shoot, I'm getting another call.
- No no no, don't--

No no no no no.
Lydia, Lydia, Lydia, Lydia.

I could--
Oh, fucking shit.

Charlie, Charlie,
sorry sorry sorry.

I gotta--

You gotta--

Listen,
I-I-I-I I will--

I will call you from the road.

Yeah, crazy dude ho.

- Hi.
- Mom!

Your boss is here

again.

Matt.

Hi.

Is something wrong?

No no.

But I was--

I felt a little awkwardness

back there earlier.

Maybe we rushed it
a little, maybe not.

You are a beautiful woman.
We made love.

I don't want you to feel
like tomorrow

at the office--

You be you.
I'll be me.

You know what I mean?

Uh, I can be me.

That's--

that's what I was planning on.

Great.

Yeah.

Okay, is that what you
came over to tell me?

Yes.

That's great.

Okay.

Oh, and by the way,

your job--
perfectly intact.

See you tomorrow.

Come on, you don't listen to me.
We've already established that.

But this time I am really
really listening, Charlie.

I have no idea what to do.

I will tell you what not to do:

Do not chase after a damn cop
who just arrested your ho.

Cut him loose, t.

Are you saying I should
leave my ho in custody?

He's going downtown.

Do you want to join him?

Now is not the time
to be playing games.

Lydia, listen.
I cannot go to jail.

I'm a father.
I'm a-- I'm a teacher.

I'm a girls' volleyball coach.

Shh. Shut it.

You see that guy over there?

What guy?

Top step, fat face,
burly shoulders.

You mean the policeman?

Yeah. Does he
look kind to you?

Does he look like--
like Mr. Nice Guy?

Uh, I--
yeah, he looks okay.

He looks like an okay guy.

Yeah? He's not okay.

We're married
three years tomorrow.

You're married?

You're married.
That's great.

What's so great about it?

He's an angry,
self-centered prick

who likes to fuck
20-year-old prostitutes.

- You want to meet him?
- You mean, for dinner?

Nope, right now.
Might be fun.

No, I don't.
Lydia, it's not fun.

You have a phone?

Uh, yeah, I guess so.

- Who's Jessica?
- My ex-wife.

Just don't--
don't answer it, please.

You don't ignore your wife.

No no no,
it's my ex-wife.

Hello, Jess.

Hey, dad, things are
really bad here.

Damon, what's going on?

I am not a criminal
because I went on a date.

Oh, it wasn't a date.
It was more than a date.

- Would you stop judging me?
- It's gonna ruin everything.

Maybe you should just get over here.
This shit is really blowing up.

Damester, I'm kind of
in the middle of something.

I can't live here anymore.

It wasn't a date.

- What did you do?
- Nothing.

Nothing.
I didn't do anything.

My kids are fighting
with their mom

and they want me
to go over there.

Where do they live?

Jason, open the door.

I know you're in there.
Open the door.

I can hear the television.

You have to tell her.

No? No?
I'm gonna.

- Sit. No.
- No, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it.

- Now listen, Lenore--
- Where is he? Where were you?

You left a client
waiting tonight.

Where the hell were you?

What happened to your face?

I don't feel well, Lenore.

It's not that big of a deal.
Jason and I--

Sandee, just shut the hell up.

Go feed the turtle.

Tell me what?

I went on another date.
I do what I want to do.

You are not the boss of him.

The other girl set it up
and she offered more money.

And we are not sorry at all.

You took a client

from Tanya?

It was like a referral.

But this woman went
kind of apeshit on me,

like way rough.

Let me see.

- Ow!
- Stop it.

- What the fuck?
- Oh, did that hurt?

I'm sorry.

You know what really hurts?

Taking something fragile
and breaking it,

like someone's trust

or this beautiful television.

Oh my God.

Did that hurt?

- Answer me when I call you.
- Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, Lydia.

Thank you. I'm--
really, for everything--

You've got five minutes.
You try to run,

I'll call an A.P.B.
on your ass.

Okay.

- I'm close, Ray.
- I'm very close.

Where is she now?

She's waiting at the curb.

Did she calm down a little?

Yeah, she's full of joy, Tanya.
I gotta go.

- Hey.
- What are you doing here?

Well, Damon called me
and wanted me to stop by.

Is that okay?

Okay, father of the year,
have at it.

Whoa, somebody going on a trip?

Yeah, like us.
Let's go.

- Where are your shoes?
- Darb, what's going on?

I'll tell you in the car.
Let's go.

Mom took the jeep key.
She won't let us drive our own car.

I am not gonna let you drive when
you are irrational and upset.

Darby is traumatized, mom.
He is your boss.

He's worse than Ronnie.
He's gonna ruin everything.

- He is my friend.
- I heard what he said.

You went on a date
with that doctor guy?

You-- you stick up
for me.

You stick up for me for once.

Oh, I am sticking up for you.

The doctor guy?

You're just gonna marry him
and then ditch dad again.

Yeah, that's really independent--
wash, rinse and repeat.

Darby, I am not
going to do that.

I do not do that.
I learn from my mistakes.

I-- I grow.

I-- I get better.

Okay, well, guys,
I gotta--

All right, everybody huddle up.

- What?
- Come here, huddle up, guys.

We don't want to huddle up.
We want to move back in with you.

Well, your mom is--

Look, from my side of things,

things aren't always
black and white, okay?

Now put the bags down and give
your dad a hug, all right?

Maybe he needs one too.

Come on, guys.

Come on.
We're on the same team here.

We can't turn against each other.
We're family.

We've got to stick together.
We're Dreckers.

Not mom.
She's a Haxon.

Damon, cut it out.
You love your mom.

We love your mother.

Okay, good talk.

Glad we did this.

Guys, everything's gonna
blow over.

Unpack the bags, all right?

Be good to your mother.
Love ya.

Where were his shoes?

My family needed me,

and there I was,
stuck with Rambo.

What the hell was she
gonna do with me?

How did it go?

I don't know.
It was okay, I guess,

for five minutes.

How old are they?

17, twins.

That's a tough age, huh?

Yeah, tell me about it.
You got kids?

No.

I mean, I wanted them.

You know, I begged him
all last year--

"Why don't we have kids?
Why don't I get pregnant?"

But he didn't want to.

He never wants
to do anything anymore.

♪ Glad you're goin' my way ♪

♪ I love it ♪

♪ when we're
cruisin' together... ♪

♪ together... ♪
I love this song.

♪ Music is made for love ♪

♪ I love it ♪

♪ when we're
cruisin' together ♪

♪ cruise with me, baby... ♪

♪ I love it when
we're cruisin' together ♪

♪ cruise with me,
baby... ♪

♪ I love it when we're
cruisin' together... ♪

Did you call someone?

What?

Did you fucking call someone?

Oh fuck.

Oh. Oh God.

Get out of the car, please.

Okay.

♪ U run it rich ♪

♪ that carburetor ♪

♪ u gotta open ♪

♪ open that choke ♪

♪ 'cause when you're here ♪

♪ the air, it won't clear ♪

♪ 'cause you're just blowin',
just blowin' smoke... ♪

- Lydia, I would like to--
Shh.

Ray, about
the two penises--

Don't. Just don't
even go there, Tanya.

I think I might know
who the other penis is.

What?

The other penis.

It was Jason.

Yeah, well look,

you weren't answering your phone.
And she threatened me.

And you said you didn't want to
see her anymore, so I sent Jason.

What else was I supposed to do?

You sent Jason instead of me?

I--

You sent that little clown

without telling her?

Look, it was a calculated risk.

Either she was gonna love him

and be off our backs
forever or--

Or what?
Or this?

Are you two having
a lovers' quarrel?

- We're not lovers.
- That's accurate.

We've been lovers,
but not anymore.

Why have you got to tell her that?
What does that accomplish?

- Because it's the truth.
- You want to tell her the truth?

Why don't you tell her about Jason?
Go ahead,

- tell her whose idea that was.
- Fine, Ray. Maybe I will. I will.

- Go ahead. Do it.
- I'm gonna do it. I'm doing it.

What are you gonna do?

Lydia,

I know you're feeling
very hurt right now--

very very hurt and betrayed.

Uh, it pains me

to see you unhappy.

When I found out
you were a cop,

I-- I panicked, Lydia.

I handled it very badly.

You handled it like shit.

Yes, I handled it like shit.

Well, guess
what, boys and girls,

we're back to plan A.

Shit, that's him--
the husband--

the big one.

What the fuck?
The cop?

- Yeah.
- Fuck.

Lydia, Lydia,

how nice that you're married.
Really, good for you.

I mean, I've never been
married myself,

but I believe in it.
I still believe in it.

Lydia, I'm sure your
husband's very nice.

Yeah, I'm sure
he'll like you too.

Lydia, listen, don't do this.
Lydia, I was a husband.

Some secrets aren't meant
to be shared, Lydia.

- What's the point of telling him now?
- No, don't shout at her.

What good is that gonna do?

I don't give a fuck.

I just want to see
what happens to his face.

- No no no.
- Why? Just to get back at him?

- No, let me.
- Will you fucking be quiet?

You know nothing about it.
You fucked me over just like he fucked me over.

And now it's time
for both of you to suffer.

No no no, men can be
jealous and irrational.

No, we can talk about this.

What? They are.

So are women.

How rational is this?

God, she's going in there.

Ray, oh my God.

- Ow.
- Oh my God, she's fucking talking to him.

She's talking to him, Ray.
She's talking to him.

- I can see that.
- She's pointing at us, Ray.

- She's pointing at us.
- I can see that.

Okay, he's looking at us.
He's looking at us right now.

Fuck, Ray, he's gonna
fucking beat us up.

- We're gonna fucking die.
- Keep it together, will you?

We're not gonna die.
Nobody is gonna die.

We're dead.
We're dead-- dead,

dead sitting ducks.

Okay, she's coming back.
She's coming back.

- She's coming back.
- Yes, okay. Just act natural.

I can't.
I can't act natural.

Fuck me.

So...

How-- how did it go?

How did it go?

I told him
you were a ho and a trick.

I told him I found you
fucking in the park.

And then...

I asked him what he wanted
for breakfast.

I told him I loved him.

God, I'm pathetic.

He destroys our marriage
and I just-- I just--

I stand there and I smile.

Lydia, sometimes I feel
pathetic too,

or I used to, but not anymore.

Now I'm free to be me--
no handcuffs,

no shackles, no masks.

I'm just a woman, Lydia,
just a woman.

We are all just women,

except for men,
who aren't women at all.

But we are women, Lydia.
We are women.

We are women.
Hear us roar.

We need to roar, Lydia.

We can roar.

Women have the hearts
the size of balloons, Lydia--

balloons filled with helium.

Our hearts are
hot-air balloons

filled with helium.

Our hearts are
the Hindenburg, Lydia.

But we should not
blow up, no no.

We should fill up.
Lydia, fill your heart.

Lydia, feel your heart.

Lydia.

This isn't necessary, come on.

Lydia, this really--
it isn't necessary.

Okay, take your time.

Take all the time you need.

This is crazy.

Are you just gonna
leave her there?

She's fine. What kind of
person do you think I am?

You don't like me
very much, do you?

It's okay.

It's okay if you don't.

I do like you, Lydia.

I like the you

sitting right here
right now, beside me.

I like the you in the bathroom,

you know, until you hit me.

I mean, I'm sorry

your husband hurt you.

I'm sorry.

You hurt me too.

Yeah, I know.

They say
it means nothing--

you know, men and whores.

But when I'm with you,

it just doesn't feel
like nothing.

Well, you know, women are
different that way.

You wanna fuck?

It's the least I can do.

No cops and robbers.

No money.

Just you and me.

Mm.

So maybe
this wasn't our finest hour--

Tanya handcuffed
to a lamp post;

me trying to screw my way
to freedom.

That's it, Ray.
You've got this, Ray.

We're gonna be fine.

We're golden.

God, Ray, come on,
fuck her and get it over with.

But hey, no one
said orgasmic living was easy.

People aren't easy.

They fall in love,

get married...

Drive each other nuts.

We've all been there.

Okay.

Most of us just
don't have a badge and a gun.

- Come on.
- What?

We're going home, Tanya.
We're going home.

God, Ray, you motherfucker.

♪ Everyone knows ♪

♪ that crime pays ♪

♪ and everybody does it ♪

♪ everyone knows ♪

♪ that crime pays ♪

♪ and everybody loves it ♪

♪ oh, the street's
looking hard ♪

♪ got a fresh credit card ♪

♪ I believe in the power ♪

♪ of people with resolve ♪

♪ it took six months
of trials ♪

♪ just to put me in jail ♪

♪ in seven long years ♪

♪ they never offered bail ♪

♪ everyone knows ♪

♪ that crime pays ♪

♪ and everybody does it. ♪