Hung (2009–2011): Season 3, Episode 7 - What's Going on Downstairs? or Don't Eat Prince Eric! - full transcript

Get it going. Come on, lady.

Whoa! Ha, ha!

Show me what you got. Uh-huh.
- Ha, ha. Okay, I got nothing.

That's what I'm gonna show you.

- You've totally done this before.
- Richard!

- Richard! Hey, hey, hey!
- Baby, I like what I see.

Look at that. I can do that.

- It's all in the ankles.
- Ankles? I'm so sure.

Richard!

- No, no. Aah!
- I'll show you. Come here.

- Spin around.
- Richard.



Richard.

Unh!

- Damn it.
- I'm gonna go see if she's okay. Okay?

- You all right?
- Yeah.

Fuck.

Ray, 25 times I've called you.

- Did you think it was urgent?
- I texted you back.

Yeah, well,
"I'm ice-skating with a client."

- it's not good enough.
- What do you mean?

We woke up and decided to go out.
What's the big deal?

So wait, you spent the night...

- ...with her?
- Yeah.

How did that go?

It went just fine, Tanya. She's very nice.



We had a good time. I think she's sweet.

I fell asleep. Why?

Did you have sex with Kyla?
I'm guessing you didn't.

But you didn't, right?

Why are you asking me?

What?
I... Would you listen?

L... I have-u

I have reason to believe
that Kyla is a man.

Okay?

I'm pretty sure she's a man.

Are you out of your mind?

- What reason?
- Lenore told me.

Lenore? Ha!

Yeah. She's fucking with you.

- How do you know?
- I know. How do I know?

Because I know.
Lenore is a nutcase. You...

Okay? All right?

Okay, Ray, if you say so.

Look out, here I come. “moo!
- Ha, ha, ha!

If there's one thing I know in my life...

It's a woman when I see one.

Ooh, you got us hot chocolate.
Great. I'm freezing.

Are you all right?

So, Kyla...

ahem, tell me about yourself.
I don't know anything about you.

- Do you like sports?
- Me?

- No.
- That's... That's good.

Yeah. Ahem.

So last night when you...

You know, did...

whatever and then, um...

This morning, when you didn't
want to do anything...

why is that, when you're paying me?

Well, isn't it obvious?

- No.
- I wanted to wait.

Huh.

You know what?
I just remembered I got this other thing.

- What are you talking about?
- Oh, it's... it's... Oh, I feel like...

Vertigo. Nothing to do with you.

L... Call Tanya, okay?

I'll call you.

And that's Candace, from the bakery.

She was hot for Jason, so I told her
that she could do it if she paid.

And I met those two ladies at Arby's.

- Arby's?
- Yeah, it's Pam and Martha.

I know they're a little bow-wow,
but money is money, right?

And I have lots of ideas
I wanted to share with you.

Guys, guys, guys.
I appreciate the enthusiasm...

but in general, Sandee, Arby's is not okay.
We're operating close to the line here.

- Close to what line?
- The illegal line, Sandee.

Do you understand
what I'm saying to you?

Don't invite too many randoms
to fuck the ho's.

Hey, dude.
- Okay, can I talk to you for a second?

Sure.

Okay. Ray, Kyla called.

I asked her.

What did she say?

She said she thought you knew.

Lenore was supposed to tell you.

She thought I knew?

Well, look,
she can still be a great client.

She wants you to take her to a reunion.

- I am not...
- No, don't.

- I am not fucking a guy, Tanya.
- No, you don't have to fuck anyone, Ray.

You'll get 1000 bucks
just to be an escort.

Get what's-his-name to do it.

She likes you, and your money was stolen.
It's a great job.

I don't need this job, Tanya. There's
a roomful of real women out there...

and they've got real vaginae.

Let's go get them.

Well, hi, ladies.

It's exciting to see all the new faces.

Hi, Martha. Hey, hi, Pam.

Welcome. Uh...

All right, today's subject is choice...

because choice leads to freedom.

And freedom around here
equals orgasmic living.

So now we just hang out back here?

Yeah.
- For how long?

Till she calls for the Samson file.

- Who's Samson?
- Nobody is Samson.

- It's a fake file.
- On that note...

It is pretty cool we get paid
to fuck, huh, man?

Yeah.

You used to be a teacher, right?

Still a teacher.

Jake, Richard, will you please
bring out the Samson file?

Thanks.

Thank you, Jake.

Thanks.

This is great. Jason, you got five ladies.

- What?
- Well, that's great.

I mean, it's the novelty factor, Ray.

That makes sense.
Two new clients, it's really... It's good.

How did I only get two?

Plus, we're gonna add that tranny.
That makes six.

Oh, now they got six.

You're gonna send that clown to Kyla,
on top of everything else?

You told me to send him.
You said you couldn't handle it.

I can handle it.
I can handle Kyla just fine.

Put me in there.

That makes three.

- Hey.
- Where are you?

I'm at...

I'm at my apartment.

I'm at your apartment. I just knocked.
You didn't answer.

Oh, well, I'm at my other apartment.

It's the... it's the old one. I'm sorry.

I'm having a lot of trouble
hearing you right now.

- It's bad to fuck with me.
- What? The reception is...

It's awful. And I can barely hear...
And I can barely hear you.

- We want to diversify.
- I'm sorry?

Video.

WOMAN Fuck me.

Wait, I'm not following.

Porn.

Okay, Sandee, porn is not okay with me.

- Wait, what's wrong with porn?
- What's wrong with porn?

Porn is the male gaze?

When sex is filmed
by a male pornographer...

- ...women are commodified.
- That's the point, right?

That's not the point.
The point is happiness.

Okay, but Jason is fucking
these women anyway.

So we film it.

And then we post it on the Internet.

We can't film the clients and post it
on the Internet without their permission.

We can blur their faces. I already have
the domain name and everything.

Do you have a bathroom
that I could use?

They're grifters. They're pornographers.

They're thieves.
Who have I gotten into bed with?

- What have I done?
- You sure they've got Ray's box?

Because a lot of people
got red shoeboxes.

They had thousands of dollars
worth of stereo equipment.

I mean, how could they afford that?

- I say let it alone.
- What?

You say women are signing up
like crazy for this kid.

And he's making you a lot of money.

I say as long as he's not
stealing from you, let it slide.

Sometimes ho's steal.

They're not nuns. They ho's.

You want me to do nothing
because they're not stealing from me'?

Yeah.

I can't do that. The guilt, Charlie.

Baby, are you asking for my advice
or for my help?

Ahem.

You know, I...
I have a son who might be gay.

Yeah.

Seventeen years old. Yeah, it's just, phew.

I love him, though. Mm-hm.

It don't matter to me. I love my gay son.

Or maybe-gay son.

I'm not gay...

- Okay.
- I'm a woman, Ray.

Sure. That's cool.

So when did that start for you?

- Being a woman?
- Mm-hm

When did you start being a man?

- Aaah!
- Hey, hey, hey! Who the fuck?

Hi, guys. Sandee, you know Charlie.

- Hey.
- You guys met.

- Can I get some water?
- What?

Some, you know, water.

- We have some Gatorade.
- That'll do.

- Okay.
- Excuse me.

Okay.

Okay.

What are you doing?
- Wait, wait, wait. Charlie!

Oh, no. Hey, hey, hey!

- Oh, my God!
- Hold on.

Just like that.

Oh, Charlie.

No. Please, stop.
- What the eff, man'!

Come on, man, sit down.

Okay, look, wait.

Nobody is drawing any conclusions.

Okay? Look.

Guys, I was here earlier...

and I couldn't help but notice
that you have a red shoebox...

in your bathroom
and it had money in it.

- That's where we keep our money.
- Just listen to the lady, please.

The thing is, Ray had an identical
red shoebox stolen from his house.

- You think we stole Ray's shoebox?
- I don't know. I'm asking.

Did you steal Ray's shoebox?

No. We didn't... We don't even know
where he lives. That is our shoebox.

I don't know, what are the odds, two people
both having red Puma shoeboxes...

- ...hidden in their house?
- They're very high.

People have red shoeboxes.
Everyone has got them!

Red shoeboxes are everywhere.

Charlie.

- Charlie. No, no, no.
- Hey, is anybody hungry?

- We didn't take the money!
- Charlie, that's a live turtle. It's a pet.

- Please don't eat Prince Eric!
- Tell me how this is gonna go then...

because I don't have time for this shit.
Tanya don't have time for this shit.

And this... "Prince Eric," you say?
He really does not have time for this shit.

Okay, okay, okay!

- Okay, what?
- We took the money.

- No, we didn't.
- We took it, we took it!

Okay.

Tanya is gonna arrange a plan...

so that you nice people
can make amends.

Thank you.

Let's go, baby.

Let's do this.

Oh, my God!

Adam? Adam Philips?
Hey, it's me.

Good to see you.

Hi.

Yeah, good to see you.

Oh, Adam, this is my fiancé, Ray.

Ray, this is Adam.
We had English class together junior year.

- Hi, how you doing?
- God, it seems like forever, huh? Ha, ha!

- Excuse us for a second.
- Oh.

What are you doing?
- What?

Tone it down, okay?
Don't rock the boat.

- I thought you wanted to pass.
- I am passing, Ray.

- He can't tell who I was.
- You keep pushing it...

somebody is gonna notice.

Oh, shit.
- What?

Take care of yourself. You better call me.

- That's him.
- Who?

Come on, let's dance.

Oh, that's... That's okay.
I'm not a good dancer.

You danced at my house.
You've got moves.

No, no,
I don't feel like dancing right now.

It's a reunion. People dance.

Okay, I... That's not part of the deal.

What the hell is your problem?
Tanya said you'd be fine.

Look, I don't have to be here, okay?

- Look, this isn't something that-
- What are you talking about?

I mean, look, I'm helping you out here.

You know? I mean,
a lot of guys wouldn't after...

- Oh, you're mad because I blew you?
- Shh!

Okay, lam so, so sorry...

that this whole experience
that I am paying you for...

has been difficult for you.
You know what?

Fuck off.

I'm really glad you picked up
the phone, Jess.

Turn off that fucking music
or I will staple your dick to your face!

Hm.

I'm sorry I've been a shitty friend, Jess.
Been a rough couple of months.

Yes.

For me too.

But things are... Things are looking up.

I've been going to this place
and it's really helping me.

Okay, just-.

Don't laugh.

But there's this... This woman. This...

- Healer. And she runs a wellness center.
- Mm-hm.

She's very inspirational.

They have open classes, if you wanna...

Yeah!

- It's like that ball was coated in butter.
- Not fair. Asshole dropped the ball.

Anyways, to the District 4
state championships.

To the District 4 state championships.

Fuck the ump!

- You guys were District 4?
- Yeah.

You play?

Yeah, I was at West Lakefield High.

No shit.
- Class of '84.

Oh, West Lakefield.
You were good then.

Oh, yeah.
No, we won the states in '83 and '84.

Oh, wait, you're not...
Are you Ray Drecker?

- Yeah.
- Oh, shit.

Man, my brother played against you.

Weren't you drafted by the Braves?

- Once upon a time, yeah.
- Oh, shit, man, you could fucking play.

I'm telling you, you could play.

What are you doing here?

My fiancée's...

There.

- I can't believe I don't remember you.
- You look exactly the same.

You think so?

I look in the mirror and I see
this old guy standing behind me.

Plus, I'm getting a divorce.

So I'm a mess.

Are you here with someone?

No.

Holy shit.

Hey, you see that girl?
I swear to God, man, that is Dan Drummel.

No.
- Yes.

- The chick in the dress, that's Dan Drummel?
- Yes.

Dan fucking Drummel.

- That is Dan Drummel.
- No.

Oh, shit! Dan Drummers your fiancée?

No. No, my fiancée is...

You know, like over... Over...

- Look at him.
- Fuck, yeah, ha, ha, ha!

I saw it happen.

- She's a dude.
- Oh.

She was Kyla...

- ...and then, in a second...
- You're kidding me.

- ...she wasn't.
- You know who she just saw?

What the fuck are you doing?

Not cool.

Not cool.

Ana' I wasn't Ray Breaker
to them anymore.

I was just a guy
with the wrong kind of girl.

Oh, shit.

Take me home.

I want to go fucking home.

See you, Dan.

Kyla. Kyla.

- Come here.
- I never should've come back here.

No, no, no. Don't say that.
That's not true, Kyla.

Will you look at me?

Will you...? Will you look at me, please?

We didn't come all the way out here...

to turn around and go home. Right?

L...

Okay, I know you want to dance.

Well, I want to dance too.

- Liar.
- No, no, really, I do.

I love dancing. I can't get enough of it.

Come on. Hey.

Fuck these guys.

You're beautiful. You hear me?

You're beautiful.

Come on, let's dance.

Hey, Charlie?

Charlie?

When you're young, you get all
worked up about what people think of you.

But that's the good thing
about getting older.

You realize, "Fuck that.

It's what you think of yourself."