Hung (2009–2011): Season 3, Episode 3 - Mister Drecker or Ease Up on the Whup-Ass - full transcript

The first date.

Sometimes all you have
is a couple of details.

Red miniskirt, blond hair.

But you never know who your client's
gonna be, or how they're going to look.

- Hi.
- Hi. Ahem.

- How are you?
- I was like, no way. That can't be him.

You look like a secret agent
in that suit.

- Well, uh, ahem, don't blow my cover.
- Ha, ha.

Come on, Mr. Breaker
I'm buying you a drink.

- What did you just call me?
- Mr. Drecker.

Mr. Breaker, it's Logan
Logan Lewis.



I was in your history class.
World history.

- You gave me a D, you jerk.
- Logan Lewis.

- Sure, sure. Uh, hi.
- You forgot me.

No.

Mr. Drecker, I can't
believe you forgot me.

- Ahem.
- You still drive that jeep?

No, I, uh... I drive a convertible.

- Nice.
- Yeah.

Why don't I buy you a drink?

- Uh, we shouldn't be doing this.
- Relax. I'm legal now.

You know, I used to, um...
I used to stare at your hands.

- I would be staring-
- No, no, I mean this.

We shouldn't be doing this.

- Why not?
- Because you know me.



All right? And I know you.

And you're a nice girl,
and you have a lot going for you.

You shouldn't be paying for it.

I'll tell you what,
I'll get your money back.

Okay?

What are you talking about?

And sometimes
you get it all wrong.

Anyway, it's great to see you.
I think you look great.

And, uh, sorry about that D.

- Heh.
- I've gotta go. See you.

Hi.

Logan Lewis.

Smart, talked a lot in class.

What if she told somebody?

"Paying for it."

Of all the things to say.

Ray, we are not the FBI.

What woman is gonna let me
take her picture?

I blew my cover, Tanya.

I knew this girl from school.

Wait, you had sex with a student?

No, no, with a former student.

- You had sex with a former student?
- No! We talked, Tanya.

I thought that she was the client.

And I... I mean...

I should... I gotta call her, you know?

- I should explain to her...
- No. No.

- Do not call anyone.
- Fuck.

What if she Facebooks or Twitters
or whatever the hell they do now?

Do not call anyone, all right?
And I rescheduled Lydia.

Lydia, yeah.
Uh, I don't know, you know?

Please, no cuffs.

The outfit, the handcuffs. I mean,
it's too much. It's not my thing.

Not your thing?

It needs to be your thing, Ray.

Because if it's not your thing,
it's gonna be Jason's thing.

You need a safe word.

- A what? A what?
- A safe word.

It's something you say when
a situation gets out of hand.

Like "bubble boy" or "Chechnya"
or something.

So she knows to stop hurting you.

I don't need to say "bubble boy,"
Tanya, okay?

I will figure this out myself.

Ray, hello?

- Ray?
- Oh, no.

Earth to Ray, hello?

- You guys, is this bad reception in here?
- "Catch up sometime"?

Ray?

Psst.

A fat guy, an Arab and a baby
get on a plane...

and they got two parachutes.
Who gets them?

- Um, I don't...
- The parachute.

- Boo!
- Oh, my God!

That's nice. Okay.

Come on, let's go.

- Hi.
- Guess you changed your mind about me.

Well, a pimp comes through for a pimp.

Lenore?

Shh! I'm in here.

Give me your hand.

What happened?

I was punished for trying
to help someone.

- I'm sorry.
- I'll be fine.

Jason, listen to me.

Their clients have heard of you
and they're calling me directly.

I have three women lined up
for you this week alone.

I sense hesitation.

It's Sandee.
You know, she called.

She's at her mom's.

Sandee. She wants you back?

She's pregnant.

And it's mine.

Where is her mother's house?

Okay.

Three, four... Okay.

Hi, uh, Logan, it's Ray.

I've been thinking about you.

Just thought I'd say hi.

Hello?
- Hi, uh, Logan.

It's Mister... Uh, Ray.

It's... it's Breaker.

Hi, Mr. Drecker.

Ahem. Hi.

Guess who I just talked to.

What? Uh, who?

Andy Figler. I told her I ran into you
and she couldn't believe it either.

Believe what?

- That I ran into you.
- Oh, right.

Um, ahem.

Listen, uh, Logan,
the other night, um, you know...

- ...I hope you didn't get the wrong idea.
- About what?

You know, sometimes things can,
um, sound not the way they are...

with all that music in that place.

- What are you doing tomorrow?
- What?

Do you want to come over?

- To your house?
- Yeah.

I'd love that. We could, um, catch up.
Why not?

Lori usually gives the tours...

but I figured you'd want
a friendly face to show you.

Again, Matt, thank you so much
for the opportunity.

Like I said, happy to help.

You need a job and we need some help
at the office.

And you'll fit right in. We all get along.

- Hello.
- Little tip though.

Bake something.
Kill them with chocolate.

- Here we go, kitchen.
- Uh, ha, ha. Yeah, kitchen.

Is this where I put my lunch?

- Oh, brown bagging it, huh? Nice.
- Well.

Tell you what.
Since it's your first day...

how about I take you out
to Calico Dan's for lunch?

Oh, you don't have to do that.
Thank you though.

Yeah, you're right.
I should be tightening my belt too.

Mindy's trying to bleed me dry. Heh.

Divorce can do such
strange things to people.

I had no idea that Ronnie
would be so angry.

Oh, my God, Mindy is
like the Incredible Hulk.

- Really? Ha, ha.
- Oh, yeah. Ha, ha.

When he first told me about the hand job,
I was like, "Well, okay.“

Whoa, wait a minute.
What hand job? What?

Huh?

- My wife gave Ronnie a hand job?
- No.

Rf icky

I'm not upset, okay?

Um, what would you say was
the timeline of that hand job?

- When did it take place?
- Oh, I don't...

- I'm not really sure, Matt.
- Just a guess.

- I'm not really sure.
- Just a guess-timate.

Lydia.

It was a ; if you ask me

Some women like to dress up
as nurses, schoolgirls.

What kind of woman
likes to dress up like a cop?

Good evening, officer.

I suppose you think because you're
good-looking and I'm a woman...

- ...that you can just get away with littering.
- Oh, no, I wasn't littering.

- I think you did.
- Look, I don't want any trouble.

Well, you have a choice.
You can go to jail or you can fuck me.

Well, uh, I guess I'll go to jail.

Bad idea. Now you have
to go to jail and fuck me.

- Hands behind your back.
- Ow! Hold up, hold up.

- What did you say?
- Chechnya! Bubble boy!

- Timeout.
- What?

Look, I think we need
a safe word, okay?

You know, like, uh...

I'm fine with letting you play
dress-up and all that stuff...

but ease up on the whup-ass, please.

Oh, God.

- Was I too rough on you?
- No, I didn't say that.

I just, you know...
it's for both of us.

You know, just in case.

- I mean, right?
- Okay.

Okay, whatever you need.

I mean, I don't need one, but if it
makes you feel more comfortable...

Heh. What? I'm not the one
who needs one, believe me.

- Well, who needs one then'?
- Well, I don't know.

I was thinking of you.

Oh, well.

Don't you worry about me. Huh?

It looks like a beeper. Does it beep?

Yes, it beeps. Talks too.

Really? What does it say?

- You wanna hear?
- No, I can... It's okay.

- No, I can hear it later.
- Hold on, hold on.

- Oh, God, don't. Don't futz with it.
- Come on.

I can make it speak Spanish for you.

Relax. Fuck you.
Don't fuck with me, Charlie.

I bailed you out. You are in my house.
You play by my rules.

Now give me that fucking knife.
Give it to me.

Thank you. You're in my custody.

This is serious business.

I mean it. No.

Man, I like it when you
lay it down, warden.

Tanya!

Tanya? Skagle!

Uh...

Tanya!
- Ray, uh, just a second.

- Ha, ha.
- Shh!

- So you're gonna hide me from your ho?
- Shh! Hush.

No. I got nothing to hide.

Tanya!

Tell him I said hi.

Why are we talking out here?
Do you know?

We're getting fresh air, all right?

What? What's up?
What's up? What is it?

Lydia, she's way too hyper.

She's gonna kill me.
We need to bench her.

Okay, 'fine. Fine, I'll do
it I'll do it. I just...

I just don't think right now
is the best moment...

- ...to bench a paying customer.
- Why not'!

Because some of the women,
not all of them...

not the ones I respect
the most, quite frankly...

Spit it out.

Some of the women think it's nice
to get fucked by a younger guy.

They wanna try him out.

I'm the old guy all of a sudden
just because this kid is 12?

You're not old, you're just older.

Let me tell you something, Skagle.

I'm seeing a 25-year-old tonight.

- What, like a potential client?
- No, like a date, okay?

Women her age happen
to find me very appealing.

Ray, that's pathetic.
There's lots of women over 35...

Don't throw stones, Tanya.

It's okay for you to fuck
some kid in a bathroom...

but I go out on a date
with some younger girl...

that makes me suddenly
a dirty old man? You're sexist.

And my neighbor knows
I fucked some kid in a bathroom.

Everybody knows you fucked
some kid in a bathroom.

- That is a tactical move and you know it.
- Tactical? Ha! My ass.

Matt, that's bullshit!

Bullshit, Matt.
Where's your fucking proof?

I know what happened, Mindy.

Why, because she told you?
Did you tell him that?

I didn't mean to hurt anyone.

- We were talking about Ronnie and...
- How could you hire her?

We used to laugh about how
stupid she is.

- Remember that?
- I do not.

Absolutely not. Look, I don't know
what she's talking about.

- Did you fuck her yet?
- What?

- Did he fuck you yet? He will. He does that.
- Mindy.

And you do that too, don't you?

You have nothing to offer, so you
find someone who does and you glom on.

I think this meeting has
come to an end, Mindy.

I'm just trying to do my job.

- Jessica.
- Please go away, Matt.

Jessica.

Uh, Patsy, could we get a minute?

Thank you.

Hey, I am so sorry that happened.

She was way, way, way out of line.

Is that what people think about me?

God, no, not at all.
Hey, people really like you here.

Yeah. They loved the cupcakes.

You're a great filer.

Excuse me.

That's the ER. You know what?

They can wait.

This is more important.

This is your house, huh?

Yeah, my parents kind of gave it to me.

It's funny, you know.
I never pictured you in the bar scene.

Oh, no, I'm not, ahem, in the bar scene.

So then who was that
that you were meeting?

Yeah, I should probably explain
a little more about that.

I, uh... I do a... Ahem.

Uh, an outreach program.

It's for this, uh, wellness center.
It's kind of like a support group.

I get... You know, I raise money for it
and get paid sometimes to do counseling.

Stuff like that. Anyway, the other night
I, heh, thought that you were...

a patient... A client. Patient.

I like your convertible.

- Mr. Drecker, can I show you something?
- Sure.

Okay. Um.

This is probably gonna be stupid to you,
but it meant a lotto me.

Okay, let's see. Oh, here.

Oh, my God. There.

- There.
- Was that me?

- Mm-hm.
- "Logan, no matter who..." Heh.

Jeez, I can't even read my handwriting.

"Logan, no matter who
underestimates you...

never underestimate yourself.
Coach D."

- Well, that's...
- I fucking loved that.

You know why
I gave you a D, don't you?

Because it wouldn't have
been fair to the others?

No. Heh.

Because you didn't do the work.

Are you a prostitute, Mr. Drecker?

- What?
- How much do you cost?

- Logan, wait. You got the wrong idea.
- That you fuck for money?

- I told you. I'm a therapist.
- I'm pretty sure I got the right idea.

- I raise money for...
- Mr. Drecker, I am not a little kid.

Logan, I am your teacher.

- Look...
- And I want to fuck you.

I've gotta go.

- Lift it up.
- It makes my boobs look bigger.

I'm very excited to show my friends.

Oh, my goodness.

- Check out my booty.
- Good God almighty, girl.

Mom.

- Mom!
- Your mother can't hear you, Sandee.

She's making a grocery run.
I just talked to her outside.

- How did you find me?
- Jason gave me your address.

Why?

Congratulations, by the way...

on your little bun, little miracle.

- How many months are you?
- I don't know. Two maybe.

- Are you taking your prenatal vitamins?
- Of course.

- Let me see them.
- No.

Oh, Sandee.

Faking a pregnancy? Really?
Is that the best you could come up with?

I'm not lying.

Sweetheart, you entered a forest of lies,
and you forgot your fucking compass.

But I think you and I have gotten off
on the wrong foot.

Sandee, I don't want
to lake Jason away from you.

- You don't?
- No, you two are meant for each other.

You're meant to be together,
and I honor that.

What I want is to sell Jason
to other women for a profit.

Do you understand what that means?

It's a terrific business
opportunity for him.

Will you make it happen
or will you stand in his way?

If I give you something I love,
what do I get in return?

What do you want?

I want a hi-def flat-screen TV
and Blu-ray.

You're giving us your can'?
- What about the Mustang?

You'll get the Mustang
too in about 10 years.

This is safer, all right?

Come on, guys. That's a great car.

- Thanks.
- Thanks.

Thank you. And you.

Uh...

For you.

Ta-da.

It's a loan. Just a loan.

Oh, Ray.

- Thank you, Ray.
- Yup.

GUYS, why don't you go
play your dad that song?

Song? What song?

Ray, thank you,
but I don't need the money.

No, no, listen. Uh...

You pay me back whenever you want.

It's not that. I actually-
I don't need the money. I got a job.

- Thank you.
- You got a job?

Yeah, with the doctor
who treated my mom.

You met him at the hospital.

- The doctor?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- One, two, F-you.

Congrats on your job

Don't F it up, don'! F it up

Ronnie's gone

Don't F it up, don'! F it up

Jessica and yet another doctor.

And the good news
just kept on coming.

Maybe I'm just shallow. I don't know.

Louise, we have
a good thing going here.

You're gonna throw it away?

You don't even know this kid.

I know, but I can only afford one of you.

And, you know, he's...

He's got a lot of energy.

Hmm.

Charlie, I'm home.

Charlie?

- Where's your milk? Where is it?
- Got some right here.

You have 10 minutes, all right?

You put this on, get in the car
and I'll drive you home.

Ooh. “Get in the car."
Ha, ha.

Who the fuck you talking to, Tanya?

Who the fuck am I talking to?
I'm on the hook for 40 grand.

You're breaking curfew.
I'm responsible for you.

- Put it on.
- Put the bracelet down now.

- I'm sorry?
- Put the damn bracelet out of sight.

- Now.
- What's...?

Oh, God.

That's Lydia.
She's really a cop. She's a real cop.

So I lost a few clients.

I still had a shoebox full of money.

I didn't get it from being
a coach, a teacher...

or a substitute teacher.

I got it from the one job
I could count on.

And I could outlast any kid.

Hey. What are you doing here?

Uh...

This thing that I do...

- ...it's what I'm good at.
- Mm.

Do you think I'm gonna tell on you,
Mr. Breaker?

Give me a little credit.

Well, I did give you that D.

So then did you come here
to make it up to me?

Heh. I don't know.

Maybe.

I want an A.

- How about a C?
- I want an A.

How about a B?
I want a fucking A, Mr. Breaker.

And I want it now.

You got 600 bucks?

Oh, my Go-cl, Mr. Drecker

I knew it.