Hung (2009–2011): Season 3, Episode 2 - Take the Cake or Are You Packing? - full transcript

Suit fresh from the cleaners: Check.

Irish singing voice: Check.

An uncomplicated client
that I've known for a while:

Check.

It was gonna be an easy night.

Whoa, could you hold that, please?

- Thanks.
- What floor?

Same.

- Sounds pretty rocking tonight.
- Oh, yeah. It's rocking.

It wasn't exactly my scene, but I had
a job to do and I knew how to do it.

I just had to find my client.



And there she was.

All right, so she's there waiting for you, and
some little punk came along and stole her?

He didn't steal her. He knew her.

He brought her a cupcake.

All right, Ray, I don't know. Maybe you
should've just gone up there and cut in.

Cut in? It's not the senior prom, Tanya.

Ray, women like to be fought over.

I mean sometimes they'll have sex with
the guy that seems to want them the most.

- It's a biological imperative.
- Thank you, Darwin.

You don't listen to me.
You have to listen to me.

- Since when?
- Ray, ahem, every ship has a captain.

And I'm the pimp.

And this ship has been successful
because of the way I run it.

- You think you're running the ship?
- I do. it's just a fact.



Have you considered you might have
a problem with female authority?

Cut the crap.

I have a problem with you saying
that you're the captain, okay?

When we're partners.

Well, we're partners,
but, Ray, I mean, I call the shots.

All right, we're partners.
We're partners, all right? Ahem.

It was just a misunderstanding.

I will call Christina
into my office and find out.

In the meantime, get some sleep...

because you have
a 4 a.m. with Lydia.

Yeah, partners.
One of us got some sleep.

The other got up at 4 a.m.
to have sex with Rambo.

I didn't mind the running
or the costume...

but the tackling wasn't my favorite.

No, no cuffs. No. No cuffs.

Suddenly every woman
in my life wanted to be on top.

- You packing?
- What?

Oh, you are packing.

Then we got up and did it again.

She got me in the knee that time.

And those fucking handcuffs,
like a pair of nunchucks.

Ron.

Sorry, Jess. Gotta get my 45 minutes.

- Can I just get my check and I'll go?
- I've gotta keep my heart rate elevated.

I thought we were going to be adults.

Adults support themselves.

Ron, I know this is something you
couldn't possibly understand...

but I have been out of
the job market for almost 20 years.

You wanna have your cake and eat it?
I won't be your baker.

What? What are you...?
What are you talking about?

- What cake?
- He's the cake.

- Ray is the cake.
- What?

Ron, I think these are too big.

Oh, shit. I'm sorry.
I'm gonna wait over here.

You know what? Ray is not the cake.

We are not together.

And last I checked, you were
the one getting jerked off...

in the back of a car, not me.

- I didn't come.
- Fuck you.

Fuck your fucking check.

Jess, come back.

Look, she's my sparring partner.
She likes to box, I like to box.

I love you.

I have your check.

I'm sorry this is so awkward.

It's not awkward, Mindy.
Not awkward at all.

Giving a handjob when your
husband is 10 feet away...

buying a candy bar, now that...

is not the classiest move
in the world, Mindy.

But we're good.

We are so fucking good!

Look. No, no, it gives you diarrhea.

Yummy. Look, chicken.

And some potatoes. Hi.

Hello.

- Hi, Jason.
- Ho!

- Hey.
- Look, 200 bucks.

It's for your next one.

You've got another woman
that wants to bang?

- Wants to fuck me'?
- Yes, I did.

And birthday girl wants
to book you again too.

- I was right, she likes you better.
- Huh. Okay.

- What's the matter? Didn't you like it?
- No, I dug it. I mean, what's not to like?

I'm getting paid to bang.

It's just, why do I have to steal them
from that other dude?

You're not stealing, Jason.
It's reparations.

That other dude and his manager
stole from me.

- Do you understand?
- Okay.

- Great. I'll set something up for Wednesday?
- Oh, man, I gotta work Wednesday.

- Get someone to fill in for you.
- Um...

Maybe Bob.
Oh, fuck, Bob's mad at me.

- Okay, so how's your Saturday?
- Saturdays are no good.

What are you talking about?
Every Saturday?

Yeah, kind of. And every other
Wednesday is our alone time.

Who, you and your dick?

- No, me and Sandee.
- Who the fuck is Sandee?

My fiancée.

Oh, I'm kind of engaged.

He told you that I sent him?

Yeah, because you thought
I'd like him better than Richard.

Sorry.

- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm good. It went in the wrong hatch.

No, I'm just... I'm just so happy that you...
That you like my new guy, Christina.

- Jason was amazing.
- Jason.

We literally fucked all night.
I'm, like, exhausted today.

Well, yeah, that would be Jason.

Anyway, I got your e-mail this morning.

My e-mail? That I...

Right, that I sent you this morning.

Yeah, I'm too fucked up for tonight,
but I can totally do tomorrow.

Great.

Ray. Ray. Fuck.

You gotta wake up. Wake up.
She's hacked into my e-mail, Ray.

She's having cyber conversations
with our clients.

- We're under siege.
- Slow down.

Read this, you'll see. It's my e-mail.

- Read that.
- "OMS he was...

"OMG he was totes ahmaz
srsly magic tongue. Thx!"

T-H-X.
It's like hieroglyphics.

And then she writes back, "luv ya."

I don't write "ya."

it's "I love you.“ "I love you," Ray.

That's Lenore.
She fucking stole our clients!

Well, I told you, Tanya.
I knew something was up.

Who doesn't listen?

- I have a plan. I have a plan.
- Huh?

It's the broken-window theory.

If you have a house
and there's a broken window...

and you don't fix it right away,
you get more broken windows.

- You also get graffiti all over your house.
- That's your plan?

My plan is I'm gonna go
ambush this guy tomorrow night.

- You? Yourself?
- Correct.

Tanya, let me handle it, okay?
I should talk to him, man to man.

No, that's... What? That's my job.

That's my job.

Tanya, no offense, but you tend
to get a little emotional...

during these situations, you know?

- A little hysterical. Uhn.
- Ray! Hysterical?

Words like that have kept
women down for centuries.

- Ow. Tanya.
- What? What's wrong with you?

I spent half the night playing
cops and robbers, okay?

Just let me handle it.

- You're backup.
- Backup?

- You just stand by, okay?
- Backup?

- Jess, hey. What's up?
- I'm backup.

Hi, can I help you?

Yes, I would like to buy a cake.

What'd you have in mind?
We've got chocolate.

- We've got vanilla.
- I'll take that one.

Great. Is it for a special occasion? Would
you like to add a personalized message?

- Sure.
- Super.

And what would you like
your cake to say?

"I fucked your boyfriend."

- That's what you want the cake to say?
- Yes.

I think that the company
might have some sort of policy...

- ...against using swear words.
- Oh. Oh, "screwed" is fine.

Yeah? Yeah.

And is this for pickup or delivery?

Delivery. What's your address?

- I li... Excuse me?
- Where do you live?

I live at 323 North Deerfield Road,
apartment 5.

Great, put 323 North Deerfield Road,
apartment 5.

That's where I live.

Yes. The cake's for you.

Okay, um... You're getting me a cake?

I fucked your boyfriend.

Yes.

- I have a fiancé.
- I fucked your fiancé.

Sandee. Sandee.

You call him now, you'll end up
fucking him by the end of the night.

Then the next time he feels like it,
he'll cheat on you again.

But if you don't return his calls,
go away for a week...

there's no telling
what you could get out of him.

Men are dogs, Sandee.

Be top bitch.

It's not heart attack. It's chicken wings.

- What kind of pain is it, Lottie?
- It's chicken-wing type of pain.

Is Grandma having a heart attack?

- No.
- Well, why are we in the hospital?

Because she eats the bones.

- Hey, are you gonna manage with the...?
- It's okay.

We're still on Ronnie's insurance, Ray.

I just have to pay the deductible is all.

You need a little cash?

We'll be fine. I'm getting a job.

I'm just waiting
for them to call me back.

How about a loan? Pay me back.

Come on, Jess.
Let me give you some cash.

Hey.

- Hi.
- Matt.

Matt Kopylov. Mindy's husband.

Ex-husband almost.
Separated. Estranged.

- Hi.
- We played Scrabble that time.

You had some great words,
and you got those twins.

Hey, guys.

- Is my mother gonna be okay?
- Oh, yes, she's fine.

- Probably indigestion.
- Oh, that's great.

Thank you. I was worried.

Happy to help.
And if you need anything...

heart-related,
Scrabble-related or otherwise...

just, uh...

Okay.

Damn, look at you.
Like a diamond in the rough.

- What, I look different?
- You got one of them makeovers?

Oh, no. Business has been good.

- We hit a sweet spot.
- So you gonna get me out of here?

Charlie, the last time I saw you,
you told me to stop wasting your time.

You were hurt by that.

You felt what? insulted?

- Yeah.
- I'm sorry.

But we shared a few
good moments, right?

I mean, we had a commonality.

I gave you another perspective
on your field of work.

Do you think I need you?

Look, Tanya. I need bail.

- What's it gonna be?
- I don't know, Charlie.

I'm gonna think about it.

I'll get back to you.

I've got business to take care of.

Bushmills straight.

Jason?

Jason?

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Christina won't be here today.
- Oh, okay.

I'm Tanya.
Does that name mean anything to you?

- I have a cousin named Tanya.
- Yeah. ls your cousin a pimp?

- I don't think so.
- Mm.

Jason, look at me.
Do I look like some kind of...

sucker to you?
Like some kind of a patsy?

Some kind of chump or fool?

- No. No.
- No?

Why do you treat me like one, then?

- Lenore sent you, right?
- Who's Lenore?

Jason, Christina told me
that you told her Tanya sent you.

Now, I'm Tanya, and I know
I didn't send you, so...

- My cousin Tanya isn't as pretty as you.
- Oh, my God. All right.

That flattery is not gonna work.

I'm here because I know
that you have been specifically...

with Lenore targeting my clients.

Clients that I worked
very hard to cultivate.

- I'm telling you...
- I love that tattoo.

A woman's wrist is just so sexy.

I need you to stop, okay?
I need you to slop stealing my clients.

I've been very good to these women,
and Lenore, she's a snake.

You don't... Don't trust her.

I'm sorry.
How can I make it up to you?

Partners. One of us was there at 7.

The other weaseled in at 6.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, fuck.

Yeah, fuck! Ah!

God, yeah! Fuck me!

Yeah! Fuck!

Sweet. Sweet balls.

Sweet balls.

Ray, hi.

- I got here early.
- I can see that, Tanya.

- Where's the guy?
- Um... You know what? It's all set.

I took care of it.

- Oh, yeah?
- What?

Did you just have sex with that guy?

What are you talking about?

You went behind my back when I specifically
said I wanna deal with the guy...

and you fucked him?

- Um...
- That's you being the captain?

Look, what I did is I made a calculated
business decision for the two of us.

- Oh, it was a business decision?
- Yes.

- Fucking a stranger in a bathroom?
- You fuck strangers all the time.

That's my job.

- Oh, is that...? Is that...?
- No.

- Hey, guy. Hey, fella.
- Ray, don't. Don't.

- Come on, Ray. Ray!
- Hey!

- Ray! Oh, my God.
- Hey!

- Okay, shit. Shit.
- Hey!

Hey!

Hey. Hey, fella.

Oh, hey, man.

- Do I know you?
- Don't play dumb.

I'm Ray, you're Jason.

Look, I don't know what Tanya
told you or Lenore told you...

or Miss It's-Always-My-Birthday
told you...

so I'm gonna tell you:
Stay away from my clients.

- I didn't know she was your client.
- Don't bullshit me. You knew.

No, I'm not. I had no idea.

But honestly, man, I don't think
she missed you that much.

No offense.

- If you take one of my clients again...
- I'm just trying to make them happy.

I think I made your pimp happy.

- Hey!
- I don't wanna fight you, man.

- I don't wanna hurt you.
- Hey, come here.

Come here!

Hey! Hey!

I didn't mind the running.

It was the breathing
that was the problem.

Damn it.

You okay?

I can't believe
you slept with that guy.

- He's like 12.
- He is not.

He's at least 20-something.

- Why do you care so much?
- Because you shouldn't have done it.

- We're a team.
- Yeah, a team.

But I'm not your backup.

You know, sometimes I think you
underestimate just how valuable I am.

- Ow!
- You should get that looked at.

It's a bruised rib, Tanya.

I'm an athlete.
I've been through worse.

What are we gonna do about this punk?

- I don't know.
- Come on, broken windows.

We gonna give it up to Lenore?

- No.
- Hell, no.

Let's go get our client back.

Oh, my God. Sorry. Sorry I'm late.

Okay, where were we?

Take your seats.
Let's see, was that the... 'Z

Types of orgasm.
Types of orgasm, right?

You know, there are
more than you think, right?

Okay. Let's see.

First we'll start with clitoral orgasm.

Okay, so when...

- Oh, my God.
- Hi, Miss Skagle.

- I'm one of your students.
- No.

- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.

- I'm going to enroll.
- No.

I've heard such great
things about this class.

I've got my check and my class
registration form all ready to go.

I need this class.

I've had such a tough
couple of months...

and I've had several people
close to me betray me.

And along the way
I've lost myself and my sexuality.

I was hoping you could
help me reclaim it, Tanya.

Right, okay. You and I, we'll go
talk about this in my office.

And...

So the green pamphlet on handjobs...

You have no right to come
barging into my classroom...

let alone hacking into my e-mail.

- You've been stealing my clients.
- Your clients?

If I remember correctly,
they are my clients.

This center, selling lifestyle,
my idea.

I am just taking back what is mine.

I am changing my passwords, Lenore.

You are not going to be able to hack
into my computer“

Oh, really? Okay, let's see.
Christina Rutland.

- Eloise Kuzenski.
- Where did you get that information?

- Caroline Powell.
- Where?

Birthday girl was just a demo.
I want my clients...

50 percent of your profits
and an apology.

- Or what?
- Or I take it all.

Hey!

You want it? Fish it out of the toilet.

- What the fuck?
- That's right. Oh, my God.

Toilet water. Toilet water.
Quit it! Tea-brain.

Chapstick?

Ow! Ow.

What are you gonna do now, Tanya?
Throw a teabag at me?

You're never gonna make it.

Not in this business,
not in Detroit, not in life.

You're a loser, Tanya.

- Once a loser, always a loser.
- You are a broken window.

Okay, hi.

Well, okay.

Nobody said Orgasmic Living
was easy, ladies.

So where were we?

Miss Bernard will not be
attending class today.

Okay. Uh...

Vaginal.

- Hey, hey, man.
- Thanks.

- Which one?
- Same.

- Mm. What's in the box?
- Um...

A bigger cake.

She likes cake.
You think that's gonna do it?

- Do what?
- Give you an edge.

Bigger cake?

- Maybe.
- Hmm.

Why don't you just go home, man?
You know it's gonna be me.

All right.

- What, just like that?
- Yeah, you want her, you got her.

Here, take the cake.

- All right. Thank you.
- Mm-hm.

Ah! Fuck.

Oh, come on, man. Are you serious?

Ah! Ah!

She's expecting me tonight, pal.
And that's what she's gonna get.

Good luck.