Hung (2009–2011): Season 3, Episode 1 - Don't Give Up on Detroit or Hung Like a Horse - full transcript

They say necessity
is the mother of invention.

That's one thing we've got
here in Detroit: necessity.

Some people gave up.

A lot of us didn't.

Hell, most of us didn't have a choice.

We had to make it,
turn lemons into lemonade.

And if you didn't have any lemons...

well, there's always something.

Yes! Fuck! Ah!

God, yes! Fuck me!

Yeah! Oh, fuck.



So does anyone
recognize that voice?

That's right, it was me.

This modest, even-tempered woman
in front of you. That was me.

I used to be... I was embarrassed.

I was embarrassed of my orgasm.

I was told I was too loud
that I came too much.

I was self-conscious. I was insecure.

And then, you know,
one day I just said, “Fuck it."

Just... I said, "Fuck it! Just fuck it!"

Ladies, sex is not a job.

It's a way of life.

My name is Tanya Skagle.
Welcome to Orgasmic Living.

Orgasmic Living.

It was a long shot.



Okay, clearly we need
some new ideas.

Well, Ray, what if I'm
out of ideas, all right?

I'm fresh out. I got it, I got it.

Berbig... Berbig... Ber... Berbigs?
Berbiglia?

Ber... I can't... can't read this, Sammy.

No more cursive, all right?
God, it's not even English.

Look, what if this is my destiny?

I mean, I'm good at this crap.

And they have a great health plan.

Don't joke, Tanya.
This is not your destiny.

It's not my destiny to be substitute teaching
twice a week for the rest of my life.

Cammy, where are the filters?

Let's begin with the obvious, okay?
We have an excellent product.

- Women like me.
- Most of the time.

- Berbiglia!
- So, what's the problem?

- Lenore can get clients.
- Let customers in.

- And you can't.
- You're gonna get me fired.

Look, okay, forget it. Just, the point is,
women like me, they like my...

it's not all about your dick, Ray.

Okay, so it's not all about my dick.

- Whats it about?
- All right, what is this place about, Ray?

What do you think?
What's Starbucks about?

I mean, nobody needs coffee so bad
that they're willing to pay $5 a cup...

for some caramel macchiato.

Lenore always said
it was about lifestyle.

It's not about lifestyle. That's bullshit.

We need a place where women
can walk in and feel comfortable...

and it's normal.
And they walk up to the counter...

- ...and they gotta...
- Thank you.

Order.

That's it.

That's it. Yeah!

I quit. I quit. Sammy, I'm out.

Happiness Consultants.
It's a wellness center for women...

coming to a storefront near you,
thanks to Judy Pearson...

and the Certified National Bank.

- Uh-huh.
- We encompass all needs.

All wellness-type needs.

Well, we do lifestyle...

and feminine-type suggestions.

So it's both of you? You're partners?

- Business partners.
- Obviously.

We're not married. We're...

We're not... We're not a couple.

What we're trying to say is that we've
got something special to offer Detroit...

- ...and we'd like to focus on that...
- It's very special.

- ...full-time.
- But what is your product?

Can you tell me that?

Can you give me an example, please,
of what it is that you are selling?

Good boy.

Hand creams.

Organic hand creams.

Organic hand cream?

Eight banks, eight rejections, Ray.

She was our first woman,
how could she say no?

Women who hate women, I hate them.

The only female loan officer we get,
and she's got a stick up her ass.

You know, I probably should've
mentioned the Orgasmic Living part.

I don't think it would have
made a difference.

No, it might have,
because women like orgasms.

Men like orgasms too.
It's not the point.

It doesn't matter what we said.
The banks aren't giving anybody shit.

That's not true.
The small-business Obama grants...

Don't! Don't give me that crap, okay?

The whole country's fucked up right now.

The banks get the big bailouts.
The cops, the auto workers...

the teachers and the perma-temps
get the shaft, okay?

It's the way it works.
Just forget about the storefront, okay?

It was a silly idea.

What are you doing?

Tanya! What...?
It's not her fault. Wait, hey!

Hey!

Come on, Tanya! Come here!

Tanya, get back here.

- Tanya.
- Hi, Judy.

Just... Just one... Just one minute.
I can wait a minute. Are you coming back?

Before you go back there,
just while you're... Hello?

Judy? We were already-
We had an appointment.

- Just a sec. Judy!
- Tanya.

Oh, hi, sorry. Is it on? Okay.

- Yeah, yes.
- About the hand cream.

I know nothing about hand cream.

What I should have said is that
women don'! orgasm enough.

- All right, Tanya. Tanya, come on.
- Just shush for one second.

The thing is we can orgasm more,
both in the bedroom and in life in general.

Sex can be better, Judy.
Our lives can be better.

You, me, the fucking country.

- In fear is where our orgasm lies...
- Okay.

Where our happiness lies.

That is why we need
the Certified National small-business loan.

And that is why I am offering you,
Judy Pearson...

the chance to take our class for free.

I want you to attend.
You can see what it is we do.

There's no obligation, no expectation
and I guarantee you, no regrets.

The whole thing was nuts,
from beginning to end.

But banks and women, well,
they work in mysterious ways.

The vulva.
Have you considered your vulva?

Judy, the loan officer,
and her bank-teller friend Joanie.

Tanya's first Orgasmic Living class.

For years I apologized.

I disregarded myself and my vulva.

But not anymore.

Hold on.

Oh, shit. Sorry, I thought
I had this cued up. Just a sec.

Ladies, some wine?

Fuck, yeah. Fuck, yeah.

Fuck! Fuck, yes!

Fuck!

God, yes! Fuck me!

Yeah. Oh, fuck.

Okay, so, yeah.

That's me. And, really,
in just four short weeks...

you can feel that great too,
both in and out of the bedroom.

That's where we're headed.
But after this we move into the feedback...

and then the practicum.

But we can skip that for now.
So any questions? Any thoughts?

- Yes?
- So you guys want a loan for this?

Oh, yeah, yeah. For the set-up,
the utilities and the overhead.

But we have a lot of confidence
in our program.

Well, there's the private consultations.

- What?
- As my partner said...

after class, we run a practicum. Ahem.
Well, I run the practicum.

Mm-hm.
- Um...

it's where the real money is.

We can do an in-house session...

or we could meet at a public place,
a restaurant, you know.

I could wear this suit,
or I could wear sweatpants.

You know, whatever makes
you feel most comfortable.

I mean, we're really...
We're really very discreet.

We can put it all in writing if you like.

- Um...
- Yeah, yeah.

Joanie, can I talk
to you for a minute?

Hold on a sec, you guys.

We're just gonna
chat on the porch for a second.

Yeah.
- Yeah, no, it's a lot.

- Yeah.
- Take your time.

The vulva? Of all the parts of
the human body to pick, why the vulva?

It's a vulva.

- Think that's gonna get us a loan?
- It's the vulva.

Do not stigmatize the vulva.
That's the whole problem.

Why do you have to freak out every
time something fun is about to happen?

Because my idea of fun and your
idea of fun are not the same thing.

I mean, come on,
private consultation?

- Are you kidding me?
- It's just a date.

- It is not just a date.
- Oh, come on.

It'll be something to laugh
about 10 years from now.

"Fear is where your orgasm lies."

I don't even know what that means.

It's the word, "vulva."

Not sexy.

We didn't have the loan.

But at least Judy agreed to a date,
as long as Joanie was there too.

Even during the Bush administration,
when loans were literally...

just flying out the door, literally.

Yeah, the Bush years
were the boom years.

I had this guy once...

walk up to my window,
and he's got this gun.

It's a squirt gun, okay? I'm sorry.

- You always leave that part out.
- He hands me a note:

"Give me the money
or I'll blow your fucking face off."

So I said, "Go ahead,
blow my face off."

Anyway, security jumps him,
shoots him in the...

- What is that area?
- Groin.

Jo... Sit down. it's the groin.

Now he's doing time at
Saginaw Correctional and pees into a bag.

Hard to be brave when you're
behind bullet-proof glass.

In Loans, we're just
sitting ducks out there.

I'm Judy, the sitting duck!

- Quack!
- Oh, and salut.

- Salut, bottoms up.
- So I love hearing about the stories.

I love hearing you talk about
the bank and banking.

I mean, anything that you're
passionate about, I think. It turns me on.

You know, passion. Judy?

I know what turns me on.

Yes, thank you. Um...

- Um... As we were discussing-
- You know what?

- I think it's...
- I just remembered...

that I have so much work to do
at home. I'm gonna go.

- You guys just have a really good time.
- What, Jude? Come on!

Are you wussing out?
What about the private consultation?

- You said you'd go first.
- I'm not wussing out.

- I don't need a private consultation.
- You're so repressed.

- I'm not repressed.
- When's the last time you saw a penis?

I see penises all the time.
I see them all the time.

You know what? Fine.
I will go upstairs and I will...

Go do what you always do.
Go fuck him upstairs.

That's right, Judy. I'll fuck him.
You can fuck yourself.

- Fuck your... Go fuck yourself!
- Judy, Judy.

No, I am not repressed! I'm not.

- Just because I don't shove my
crotch into peoples' faces like her?

- I'm not repressed. God, I hate her!
- Okay.

When we go out together,
I get left behind every time, always.

- You're not gonna.
- Yes, I am.

Judy, not with me.

Not tonight.

Clearly, the path to Judy
was through Joanie.

I'm sorry, Judy.

It's okay.

All right.

Should we keep it going?

It was starting to look like the
greatest date of my professional career.

Thanks. Thanks, Ray.

We're good.

Forgot my jacket.

- It's right there.
- Yeah.

Okay, I was a little disappointed.

But on Monday morning,
our loan got approved...

for Happiness Consultants,
a wellness center for women.

Orgasmic Living. What a concept.

Why is it so many of us have trouble
expecting pleasure, sexual pleasure?

Even saying the word "vulva"
feels transgressive.

Even right now,
I feel a little transgressive.

We lost some ladies at "vulva."

The cunt as temple, tomb, cave or flower.

I'd like to announce that the Wellness
Center also offers private consultations.

Very private, with a therapist.
It's a female therapist...

or a male... It's a male therapist.

He's very male. Very private.

But those who stayed
made it all worth it.

But I've never met this therapist.

Richard? Richard, could you
bring in the Samson file, please?

- Thank you.
- Sure.

Hi.

That's Richard.

Pretty soon my work week
was filling up.

Mondays I had Eloise.

Alternate Wednesdays, Christina.

Fridays, the Birmingham Screamer.

- Oh, yeah!
- All right.

Don't slop.

- Oh, my God.
- Make it hurt.

So thanks to a lot of fucking,
I could finally fix up my house.

All right, see? This is neck massage.

It goes up, it goes down. Or I can do
lower lumbar while looking out at the lake.

This thing's relaxing. You try.

- Come on. Give it a shot.
- No. I'm okay.

Looks comfortable, though.

Hey, Mom, have you
seen Dad's new vacuum cleaner?

- It's like a demented dog.
- Ha, ha, it's really retarded.

- And who helped you decorate?
- Nobody.

I mean, ifs mostly me.

And all this is...

- ...from substitute teaching?
- Yeah. Mostly.

And, you know, some odd jobs
here and there.

Odd jobs.
Wow, what kind of odd jobs?

I mean, I send my resume out 50 times
a day, nobody ever calls me back.

Well, I do personal training,
for example.

You know, weights and cardio. Ahem.

Something sort of like that.
Hey, maybe, Jess, you ever think...

about combining forces a little?

You know,
so you don't have to pay rent?

- He did fix the house, Mom.
- Come on.

- I told you, I signed a lease.
- Okay.

I know. I'm just saying.

Things get too hard out there for you,
or Lottie starts driving everybody nuts...

or, hey, you wanna practice your music,
or go look at the lake...

I just want you to know that I'm...

YOU can {IOU fit on me.

"Happiness Consultants"?

Can I warm you up?

- Your coffee.
- Sure.

You seem kind of tense. You all right?

You shouldn't have more coffee.
It makes it worse.

- I'm sorry, what is happening here?
- I'll tell you what, you can keep a secret.

Let me just pop back
into the kitchen...

I'll put a little Courvoisier
in your coffee cup.

On the house.

Oh! Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck! Fuck!

Oh, fuck! Wait, wait.

Wait, please. Wait, wait, wait.

- Pull out. Oh, God.
- What? ls something wrong?

No, nothing's wrong. Just pull out.

- Why?
- Because I want to see it.

- See what?
- Your dick.

- Now?
- Yes, now.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Okay.

Yeah, that's a...

Oh, my God. That's what I thought.

Thank you.

- You wanna go again?
- Again?

- Yeah. Come on.
- No, sweetheart.

I'm not a carnival ride.
Oh, I think I torqued my neck.

Oh, I think that was the chair.

Your ass is just too delicious.

- What's your name?
- Jason.

Jason. I'm glad I found you, Jason.

I've been looking for you for a long time,
like they do in Tibet for the Dalai Lama.

- What's that for?
- It's compensation.

I took a discount for myself.

Oh, right...
You know that I'm not like a...

A whatever... Hooker dude.

- Right?
- Yeah.

Think of it as a gift I want to share.

It's a thank-you.

One time. This one time.

You only have to kill one person
to be a killer, baby.

- Oh, my God.
- Hey!

- Wow! I'll be right down.
- Come on!

Wow!

Ray, what did you do?

- You like it?
- It's amazing. Hell, yeah.

You wanna go for a ride?

Well, okay.

Yeah, sure.

Wow, Ray.

Ray, God, it's beautiful.

Mm-hm.

Come on, let's go.

Hey, let's go to Windsor. Let's cruise
this puppy all the way to Canada.

- How about around the block?
- Oh, man.

Yeah!

Oh, your kids are gonna love it.

You're gonna be
the best dad in the world.

I hope so.

You know what?

Fuck around the block.
Let's see what this baby can do.

Whoa!

Whoa!