Hung (2009–2011): Season 2, Episode 6 - Beaverland - full transcript

[RONNIE SNORING]

[SCRATCHING AND RUSTLING]

[SCRATCHING]

[CHITTERING]

[GASPS]

Okay, guys, why don't you
tell me why you're fighting.

How can I help
if I don't know what the problem is?

What's going on at the house?

- Mom saw a beaver.
DARBY: She thought she did.

RAY: What's that mean?
DARBY: Nobody else saw it.

- So you draw your own conclusions.
- Are you calling her a liar?



Well, where did it go? Beaverland?

RAY: Guys.
- Maybe your fat friends ate the beaver.

Or maybe Mom ate one of
your stupid scones and hallucinated it.

Guys, guys, knock it off.

What's up with you two?

You never used to fight
like this before.

Tell your mom she can borrow
my traps if she needs to.

- You tell her.
- Well, your mom and I...

...are not in the best place right now.

Because she's having a baby
with Ronnie?

You guys are divorced.
What do you care?

I don't. I'm just trying to be helpful.

Mom, I'm excited, I'm excited.
What do you want from me?

VERA-JOAN [ON PHONE]:
We need to celebrate life's victories.



Are you coming to my dinner
or not, Tanya?

Mom, it's great that you're chair
of cinema studies...

...but, you know, I have a life too.

I have to go.

Hi, Frances.

Thank you so much for meeting me.

I'm so sorry.

What happened was not right
and not professional.

We don't bait and switch like that.

I promised you one thing
and you got--

If you'll permit me,
I would like to reintroduce you...

...to Richard, free of charge.

I'm not interested in Richard.

- I understand.
- I'd like to book Mike.

[CHUCKLING]
Mike?

You like Mike?
You guys had a good time?

Well, yes, we had a nice time
under the circumstances.

Mike was very considerate...

...and he has a very attractive
speaking voice.

I'm so happy to hear that.

So I would be willing
to book him again.

That is, if we could work it out
on a weekend basis.

I-- A weekend basis?

Let's face it, Tanya...

...your hourly rate is too high.

I want a flat rate.

Flat rate?

Fifteen hundred dollars a weekend...

...unlimited hours.

Fifteen hundred?

That's fair.

I will call Mike and I will--

- I will let him know the details.
- Good.

I'd rather not talk money with--

It's odd, but I'd be embarrassed.

Somehow it's nicer to pretend.

Yeah.

- God!
TANYA: Hey!

Ray, Ray, we did it! We did it!

- We did it! We did it!
- What?

- We did it!
- Hey, would you put that away?

This is a neighbourhood.
Where'd you get that?

Mike. Frances is very taken with Mike.

Frances wants Mike to come back.

Ray. Ray, wait.

Seriously, look at this.

- Ray, come on. Come on, Ray.
- Shit.

TANYA: I know it's not what we planned.
It's not what we planned.

But, really,
it's a terrific turn of events.

- So Frances paid all that money for Mike?
- Yes, for the whole weekend.

Ray, she can't get enough of him.

So you-- You go to Mike
and you talk to him for me.

And you make the introductions.

Explain to him
that I'm in charge of negotiations.

You just screw Lenore, Ray.
This is a whole new business model.

This is me and you and Mike.

Tanya, I need you
to give that money back.

- What?
- He likes her.

He won't even take
the 500 bucks for the date.

He thinks it's about dinner
and being her companion.

Like a dating service.
He's got no idea about the rest of it.

Okay, okay.
So we go to him and we ask him...

...and we see what he says.

He's a grown man.
He can make his own decisions.

I've known Mike for 15 years.

Not gonna do it.

Okay?

You know, for the first time...

...the guy's got a spring in his step.

Maybe they have a shot.

What?

Why do you want me to fail?

I don't want you to fail, Tanya.

I want us to succeed, okay?

Just not with Mike
and not with Frances.

I know how hard you
worked on this whale, okay?

But we can find other--

How are we gonna get other clients
when you keep driving them away?

You find some reason
to sabotage them all.

I do not do that.

- I try hard.
- Okay.

Look at this.

Just look at-- Look at this.

This-- This is what
Mike got after one night. Okay?

This is more than you ever brought in
in a whole week, okay?

So, what does he got, I'm wondering,
that you don't have?

Cut it out. I think maybe
he and Frances hit it off.

I mean, Mike got lucky.

- Obviously.
- Yeah, you're jealous.

You don't want Mike around
because you think he'll outperform you.

- Ridiculous.
- You can't stand to think...

...that somebody might be a better lay
than Ray Drecker.

Tanya, I never got a shot with her.

Remember me?

I am the guy
who gets the crazy ones...

...and the married ones
and the pregnant ones.

Yeah, you do. Yeah, you do.

And where are all those
satisfied customers now?

Where's Molly? Where's Claire?

Where's Moby Dick?

She's with Mike, Ray.

And me and you, we're with no one.

And I just think it's time
that we ask ourselves why.

RONNIE:
Thank you, John.

We will get back to you.

JESSICA: Ron?
- One second, honey.

- I'm getting rid of the exterminator.
- What'd he say?

So there's no beaver scat.
There's no other indicators.

Plus this isn't even
their natural habitat.

But I saw it, Ron.

There was a beaver sitting right there.

Beaver is dirty animal.

Carries giardiasis. Beaver fever.

I know what I saw, Ron.
Why won't you believe me?

I'd love to, but a very competent man
just told us otherwise.

- The beavers, they gnaw at foundation.
- We got it, Ma.

Destroy property values.

Let's just see if this beaver
turns up again.

Ron, I am not bringing a baby
into a house full of beavers.

It's always something with you, Jess.

Today it's beavers,
tomorrow, what, locusts?

It's not her fault
you have beaver problem.

Ah!

Ooh!

Damn popcorn. Aye!

RAY:
Frances met Mike...

...and she couldn't get enough of him.

Was I missing something?

What did he have that I didn't?

There you are.

[RAY SIGHS]

- Hi.
- Where is she?

She's in the back reading room.

- Okay.
- Wait, Ray.

I know we're acting like everything's
normal, but I sense something is up.

Are you mad at me about Jessica?

- Did you see her?
- I did.

Then I'm still mad about it.

Don't be, Ray.

I know you are having
all these emotions...

...because she hired a gigolo
and almost got you.

But that's not my fault.

How was I supposed to know
Jessica is your ex-wife?

Look, I am her only friend, okay?

She needs me.

Why would I tell her about us?
Why would I do that?

I'm your pimp. I protect you.

I don't get
why you're being so suspicious.

Did Tanya put anti-Lenore ideas
in your head?

I'm gonna be late, Lenore.

[LENORE SIGHS]

Fine, she's back there.
Second table to the left.

- Dark hair, red flowered dress.
- Thank you.

- Richard?
- Hi.

Hi, I'm Liz.

You-- You like libraries, huh?

Yeah, I love them.

And I figured, you know,
I don't know you, so....

- Yeah.
- You want to walk around?

Yeah, sure.

Great.

I'm thinking we just talk right now.

What would you like to talk about?

Oh. Um....

[WHISPERS]
About sex.

[WHISPERS]
Well, say anything.

Right. The thing is...

...I don't love sex.

Why not?

I don't understand what the deal is.

RAY:
Uh-huh.

I mean, I'm normal.
Everything about me is normal.

It's just ever since I was a kid
I would see these women in movies...

...and they would be screaming,
"Oh, yes. Oh, yes"...

-...and sweating and fucking and loving it.
- Shh.

And for me sex is like...

...not that.

It's....

RAY:
Maybe, uh...

-...you had the wrong lover.
- Exactly. Maybe.

So I thought, you know,
someone who knows a lot about women.

Someone who's a total stranger to me.

A white guy like you
who's not gonna know anyone I know...

...might be good.
I mean, you are an expert, right?

Kind of.

[CLEARS THROAT]

- Yeah.
- So, what do you think?

I think I'm the right man for the job.

[MACHINE BEEPS]

RAY [ON RECORDING]:
Hey, Jess.

So the kids said you had
a beaver running around.

Anyway, if you want...

...I still have those traps.

JESSICA: He called me.
- Really?

Offered to help with the beavers.
I didn't call back.

[LENORE CHUCKLES]

Meanwhile, Ron does nothing.

I mean, maybe I should call him.

Because, believe me,
Ray would be over in a flash.

- Do you think he's still hot for you?
- Who knows? I don't care. He's so....

Every time I look at him,
I think, "That's over.

That is over."

I can't. I can't go there.

But he's sexy, don't you think?

Sometimes.

But then at other times
he's just so stuck.

I know, in that burnt-out house.

Yeah, he can't get it together.

How'd you know
Ray's house burnt down?

- What?
- You just said, "Ray's burnt-out house"?

- Oh, because I ran into him.
- You did?

- Mm-hm.
- Why didn't you tell me?

I know I should have, but....

Okay, listen, Jess.
I got his phone number.

I feel bad. I like him.

You like him?

It's just I always date jerks,
you know?

And he's like a real guy.
Like straight up.

- You know?
- Oh.

If it bothers you
I won't take it further.

You're asking my permission
to call him?

I swear I'll do whatever you want.

- I don't want to hurt you.
- Okay, I-- Call him.

I think you should call him.

You're single, he's single.
I mean, definitely.

Definitely. And do, you know...

...whatever.

- Thank you.
- Ha-ha-ha!

[RONNIE SNORING]

[SCRATCHING]

[MACHINE BEEPS]

RAY [ON RECORDING]: This is Ray.
I lost my old phone in the fire.

So make sure and leave your number.

Ray.

Hi. Sorry it's 2:00 in the morning...

...but those beaver traps
you were talking about...

...could you bring them by tomorrow
and leave them out front?

Why? Why is it everybody all at once?

It's like there's all this crap.

I never thought I'd say this.

But I think Ray might be
deliberately trying to sabotage me.

- Who's Ray?
- My prostitute.

Oh, right. That one ho that you share.

That I temporarily share.
Don't rub it in.

MAN: Thank you.
- Just fucking with you.

- Thank you. Come on.
MAN: Mm-hm.

TANYA:
So should I give the money back?

- You're asking me?
- Well, no.

I mean, yeah. I mean, I can't keep it.

I'd be wracked with guilt.

- For how long?
- What do you mean?

For how long would you
be feeling guilty, huh?

For a minute? An hour?
A month? A year?

- What?
- I don't know.

I've never taken anything before.

So how would I know?

Number one, you didn't take the cash.

You earned it. And number two...

...there are worse things
than guilt, girl.

Let me see this. She's cool.

I got you.

Hey, come here. You like this?

- It would look good on you.
- Really?

Mm. It is sweet.

Hey, do you want this?

No, I can't afford it.

No, you don't got to afford it.

You just got to tell me,
do you want it?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Hi.
- Hey.

You could have left them.
You didn't need to ring the doorbell.

Yeah, you sure you don't need help
setting these things up?

Ronnie can do it.

I mean, he's-- He's not home now.

But he's gonna be home any minute.

I'm not sure he believes me.

There's no lake, so....

What do you think?

Well, if you saw a beaver
then you saw a beaver.

- What's taking so long?
- This is delicate business.

You said a few minutes.

Well, I like my thumbs.

[RAY GRUNTS]

Your shirt's inside out.

So?

So you gonna leave it like that
or are you gonna fix it?

- You happy?
- Yeah.

- Nice of you to help.
- Once an Eagle Scout...

-...always an Eagle Scout.
- You were never a scout.

Clearly I got my beaver trap
merit badge.

[JESSICA CHUCKLES]

- Better concentrate on this.
- Hi, Ron.

Ray just stopped by with some traps.

I thought I said
I was taking care of this.

- I know, but--
- I'm sorry, what is that thing?

This is your standard beaver trap.

It'll take care of your beaver problem.

- I don't have a beaver problem.
- Well, if you did, you know...

...it's a clean kill.

Get those death traps
off my property.

Ronnie, Ray was just trying to help.

[JESSICA GASPS]

- What the hell?
- You said to dismantle it.

- That's how these things work.
- Not these traps.

These traps, they're humane.
They do not kill the animal.

If you ever used those things before
you'd know that they malfunction.

Misfire, break the beaver's legs.

RONNIE: That's not true.
- Then you'd have to shoot the beaver.

Or hit it over the head with a shovel.

- Ohh.
- I'm gonna ask you one more time nicely.

Please take those traps
back to your house.

Good luck.

He just showed up.

[PEOPLE LAUGHING]

Lisa, how perfect.

- From one chair to another.
- Trust me...

...it's the only way you're gonna keep
your department in line.

Here, pass that down.

You are all so thoughtful.

Thank you. Anyone, more vino? Yes.

Oh, wait, one more.

One more over here. One more.

Oh, Tanya.

- What is it?
- Open it.

Oh, my goodness.

The pendant is diamond-encrusted
and the chain is 1 8-carat gold.

Oh, it's so urban.

I love it.

Tanya, this is a lovely impulse.

Well, Mom, thank you.
I know it's not your style.

But I thought you'd get
a kick out of it.

Considering how much I paid for it.

[CLEARS THROAT]

The diamonds are real.

Okay, sweetheart.

I mean, I paid a lot, you know?

It's from money I earned at my job.

From your temp job.

No. Actually I've started
a new business venture...

-...and it's really quite successful.
- The fortune cookies?

No, Mom, that's Lyric Bread.

And that's not what I'm talking about.

This is....

It's-- It's kind of a new twist
on an old industry.

- Have I heard of it?
TANYA: If not yet, then you will.

Our brand recognition
among Detroit women...

...is growing stronger every day.

I recently brought on
our most lucrative client.

- Do you have a website?
- Actually, Marvin, we don't.

But that's a really interesting idea.

VERA-JOAN: Okay, Tanya,
you have to tell us what it is.

When Tanya was 10...

...she told me that The New Yorker
wanted to publish her haiku.

- I sent it in.
- Darling, you're an adult now.

Why don't you return this?
Put the money towards your rent.

Listen, you know,
I think I need some more wine.

We're not going home,
I'm just warning you.

WAITER:
Whenever you're ready.

Oh, wait, I got it. I got it. I'm paying.

MARVIN: Tanya, there's no need.
- Let's see....

Eight hundred and forty dollars,
gratuity included.

Tanya, put that away.
You're acting very strange.

- And you're--
TANYA: Embarrassing myself?

I'm not embarrassing myself, Mom.
I'm proud of myself. I'm passionate.

And for your information,
I'm not a temp anymore.

I've got a new job now.
Honestly, I'm rolling in it.

The best part of it is
I'm following my dream.

I'm doing what all you fine people
are afraid to do.

[WHISPERING]
Chair of cinema studies? Bullshit!

Mother, I'm a fucking baller, Mom.

It's a cute gift. It's very creative.

Is that okay?

- Yeah, so far so good.
- Cool.

- How about that?
- Still pretty good.

You know, you can tell me...

...if something's not working for you.

Maybe a little less talking.

Right. Okay, I can do that. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Come on. Come on.
- Um....

It's all right. It's okay.

You know what? I'm good.

What?

It's okay.

You don't have to finish.

You--? You don't want to?

Sorry, I just--

I get kind of bored.

Wait, because you're--

You're giving up too easy.

No, seriously, Richard, it's--

Everything's--
This happens all the time.

Usually I just fake it...

...but we can just skip that part.

Hey.

Okay. How about I, um...?

Why don't I go down on you?

That's usually a big hit.

Oh, no.

Thanks anyway.

- Come on, Liz, you can't just--
- Richard, it's fine.

I want to try again. Come on.

You know what?
Guys always want to keep trying.

But I am paying for it
and I want to quit.

I'm a human ice cube.

God, what am I gonna do?

[KNOCKS]

- What are you doing here?
- I have concerns, Ray.

- You don't trust me anymore.
- I never trusted you.

Ha.

So how'd Liz go?

Oh, it was all right.

She's a work in progress.

I don't know.

You'll figure it out.

You're really fucking sexy, Ray.

That's why I'm a fan.

I believe in you.

And I believe in your dick.

Don't ever doubt yourself.

It's kind of chilly out here.
Aren't you gonna ask me in?

Come on, we need each other.

Let me in.

Jess...

...if you say there was a beaver
then there's probably a beaver.

Thanks, Ron.

It means a lot to me.

[TRAP SNAPS]
[BEAVER CHITTERING]

[CRUNCH]
[BEAVER SCREECHING]

Ohh.

His leg is broken.

Oh, God.

[CLANGING]