Hung (2009–2011): Season 2, Episode 4 - Sing It Again, Ray or Home Plate - full transcript

Oh, jeez.

Ugh.

What? I'm sleeping, Ray.

I need to talk to you. Buzz me in.

I'm naked.

I already seen you naked. Come on.

Well, I've got company.

Come on, Ray!

It's the ass crack of dawn.
I'm not a Marine.

- Talk from there.
- I don't wanna talk from here.

- I can't even see you.
- Well, I can see you.



So if you've got something to say,
say it. I'm all ears.

Fine. Stay away from my wife.

You don't have a wife.

You know what I'm
talking about, Lenore.

Oh, you mean your ex-wife, Jessica?

The married woman
you secretly go bowling with?

Yeah, her. Stay away from her, okay?

Are you giving me an ultimatum, Ray?

I'm Jessica's friend.

I'm trying to save her from becoming
a sad two-time divorc?e.

What about you, Ray?

What are you thinking about...

...when you're hugging her
in a bowling alley parking lot?

Are you thinking about
saving her marriage too...



...or are you trying to destroy it?

By the way,
I have a new client for you.

Tomorrow night, Tuesday.

Will you be free, or will you be too busy
bowling with your ex-wife?

When I say something,
you say it back.

So I say, uh,
"You can't fuck me," right?

So then you say--
Uh, repeat it back to me.

Like, "You can't fuck me
because, uh, I don't want you to."

Tell her we need the rent...

...or we will kick her out on the street.

You owe us two months' rent.
Do you think you might have it soon?

Hold on, I just-- Hold that thought.

I don't know who this is.

Why haven't you picked up your phone?
We need to talk.

- Uh, Ray--
- Hi.

Ray, this is, um, Mr. and Mrs. Sumbal.

They're my very kind, generous
and very patient landlords.

Listen, Tanya,
I have a problem with Lenore.

- What? What kind of problem?
- Well, I, uh....

You know, I have
a very bad feeling about her.

You know, she has a lot
of our personal information...

...and I don't trust her.

You know, I-- To tell you the truth...

...I don't like the way she treats you.

Uh, would you like some olives?

If I don't get rent...

...I will throw your teapots
out on the sidewalk.

My husband says we might have to
charge a ?50 late fee.

The thing is, I don't have it.
I don't have it.

I'm ?300 short, you know?

What do you want from me?
I've lived here 15 years.

Remember the rat in the dryer?

Did I complain? I didn't. I'm not now.

I just-- We have a good relationship.

I need to talk to my friend. Hold on.

Maybe you're right.
Maybe we're better off without her.

Uh. Okay, why are you saying this?

Did something happen?

- No.
- No? All right, well then--

Ray, I just-- You know what?

I just don't think...

- ...you're being very professional.
- Huh?

You can't just have a bad feeling and
let go of our business partner right now.

- Why not?
- Because it comes down to the clients.

All right?
That's the clients and the money.

If I can't come up with the clients...

...you'll run back to Lenore
when she shows up with new ones.

- You know that.
- That's what I'm asking.

Can you get them without her?

Yes, Ray. Yes. Okay?

I will book that wealthy widow
Frances, Ray.

I think of her like Moby-Dick,
and I'm Ahab, except successful.

You've read Moby-Dick, right?

Mm-hm.

Oh. Hi.

Want me to scrub you?

Thanks, honey. I'm clean.

- You okay, Ron?
- Yeah, I'm better than okay.

I'm hopeful and I love you...

...and I've been thinking about
our talk.

- Which talk?
- About the baby. No pressure.

We don't have to talk
about that right now.

I was just thinking of my family.

- You mean you and me and the kids?
- Yeah.

And the ones who came before us,
like my grandfather.

People said he had the perfect nose.

Are you sure you're okay, Ron?

There's no face problems
in my family, Jess.

No Alzheimer's, no celiac disease...

...no Klinefelter's syndrome,
no Tay-Sachs--

- You're talking about the baby again.
- Yes.

Jess, I'm talking about the baby again
because I want a baby.

I want to pass on that tradition.

I am 42 years old, Ron.

I'm not having a baby with you.

I went to medical school.
I am not a drug addict.

I've never been incarcerated.

I am a good man from a good family...

...in a good neighbourhood
and I'm hungry!

I am in my kitchen,
searching for my oatmeal...

...that I purchased
with the money I made...

...with the job I still have
in this crumbling fucking economy...

...because I want breakfast!

I want that fucking oatmeal!

I want my cinnamon fucking oatmeal!

This is not what I signed up for!

This is not the life of my dreams!

Mr. Landy told you this?

Mr. Landy the security guard?

I'm sorry, Ray.

He said it was Damon?

It was him, Ray, your son...

...taking a leak on home plate.

He pissed on home plate, Tanya.

- Two in the morning.
- Yeah.

All alone.

He waltzed down to the diamond,
unzipped his fly and just let loose.

I think I can see
what he was going for.

- You can see what he was going for?
- Come on, Ray.

You know, the plate of home?
A place called home?

He was releasing his anger
in a nonviolent way.

He was releasing, all right.
I don't know about anger.

I'm just saying, he might be an artist.

He didn't paint, Tanya. He peed.

All right,
maybe he needs a role model.

Yeah, that would be me.
You know, I'm his dad.

Fine, but maybe he needs
someone else to look up to...

...like a fellow traveller, you know?

Someone who shares his interests.

Wait, I got an idea.

Here, just-- Just bring him to this.

"Slam Bam Poetry Slam."

"Sam--" "Slam Bam Poetry Jam."

No, thanks.

Ray, you can't just throw stuff
off the skywalk.

I can get it. Wait, hold on.

See, it's right--

Oh, God.

What are you doing?
Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine, Ray.

- What happened?
- It's just stupid.

Come on, let's go. I'm fine.

You know, Ray,
I'm making a serious suggestion.

I think poetry might
really speak to Damon.

Great, maybe my son's a good rhymer.

No offence, but I don't think
beret-wearing strangers...

...is what my kid needs right now.

Okay, shh. There she is.

- Where?
- Uh, two o'clock.

She's eating a chicken bowl
in an ?800 shirt.

Don't look at her though.
Look at me.

- What? Why?
- Because...

...she wants to look at you.

- She does?
- Yeah.

Well, what--? What, uh--?

- I thought-- Heh.
- What?

- I thought I was supposed to meet her.
- No.

She likes to do things
a step at a time.

So this time she'll just
take a look from afar. Ahem.

All right.

I don't know what she can tell
from over there.

That you're reasonably good-looking
and not dangerous.

Okay, that's it.

- That's it?
- That's it.

I came all this way just for that?

This is Moby-Dick, Ray.
Trust me, she's worth it.

I'm sorry.

You really need oatmeal that bad?

Mother.

Jess...

...I've loved you
since the 1 0th grade...

...since that math class
you ignored me in...

...since before you even knew
I was alive.

I told you I didn't wanna have babies
because I was scared.

I was afraid you wouldn't marry me
if I told you the truth...

...but I wanna be on the inside, Jess.

I love you more than life itself.

I love you too, Ron.

I want you to be on the inside too.

Thank you.

Today's the happiest day
of my life.

I'm gonna be a father.

Anything you wanna tell me?

- Like what?
- I don't know.

But if there is anything you wanna say,
you can tell me.

I'm your dad. I love you.

You know, my dad,
he had this, uh, extra business...

...making decoys. Ducks.

Mallards, redheads, you named it,
he carved it. He loved it.

Every second he got...

...he was back there in that tool shed
with his little decoy ducks.

But really I wanted to crush
those ducks, you know?

I wanted to snap their little heads off.

Mr. Landy saw you, son.
The other night, he saw you.

You urinated on America's pastime,
son.

I didn't get you in trouble, did I?

No.

No, but what I'm saying is we're alike.

I can understand you.

We're-- We're--

You know, we're fellow, uh, travellers.

It's normal to wanna
get back at your old man.

It's okay if it was me
you wanted to piss on.

I didn't wanna piss on you, Dad.

I just drank a lot of pop.

Hi. I'm, uh, checking in.

- I'm picking up a key.
- May I have your name, please?

It's-- It's mister.... Mr. Falls.

I'm Mr. Falls.

Ray? Ray!

- Mike.
- Buddy!

Oh, man, it's good to see
a friendly face, pal.

Being single's hard enough,
but single alone....

I haven't said two words
since I got here.

What are you drinking? I'm buying.

No. No, thanks, Mike. I....

Damn, you're getting a room already?

Uh-huh.

Optimistic, huh?

- Here, Mr. Falls.
- Thank you.

- Fifteenth floor. Enjoy your stay.
- Falls? Who's that?

Beats me. I'm not here
for the singles thing, Mike.

Oh. Ohh. What are you here for?

Um, a different thing.

- In a hotel room?
- Yeah.

Hey, great to see you, pal.

You look, uh-- You look good.

- Yeah.
- Go knock them dead.

Yeah.

You too.

- Hello?
- Come in.

Wow.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Cake?
- No, thanks. Heh.

Wow.

You're cute.

You wanna do it on the floor?

Sure.

My turn.

Go for it.

I'm Christina.

Richard.

- Today's my birthday.
- Oh, yeah?

- Happy birthday.
- Thanks.

You're my birthday present.

Hey! Oh, yes.

Sing for me, will you?

What would you like to hear?

It's my birthday.
Sing "Happy Birthday." Ha, ha.

Um, uh--

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Ugh. Oh!

Oh, perfect, yeah. Unh.

- Wow.
- Ha-ha-ha.

- Sing it again, okay?
- Um--

One more time.

- Wait, wait, wait. Start from the top.
- Okay.

- I love it. Unh.
- Okay.

Ha! Unh!

Again.

Loud.

Soft.

- Sing it again.
- Again?

Slow.

With an accent. Irish.

- I can't do an accent.
- No?

Softer then.

No, loud. I'm sorry, loud.

Don't stop. Keep it up.

Sing it again.

I feel so badly about what happened.

If it's any consolation,
I had the agency fire that guy.

We don't need to talk about that.

That whole sex therapist thing,
that is not who I am.

I know.

- But if you wanna try again--
- I don't.

- I promise, the guy will not stand you up.
- I don't.

God, look at him. Ha, ha.

He said yesterday was
the happiest day of his life.

Ha-ha-ha. Maybe it was.

But I didn't say yes, Lenore.

I just told him that I loved him.

I mean, what was I supposed to say?

He says he's been
in love with me since...

...before I was alive.

Well, you could be clear
your answer is no.

Mm.

- There's also the option of saying yes.
- What?

I'm trying to save your marriage
any way I can, Jess.

I'm worried.
I mean, bowling with your ex-husband?

- What was that the other night?
- Wha--? Nothing.

- That doesn't mean anything.
- Ha, ha.

So is he single?

I assume so. Why?

I know a lot of ladies that would
really appreciate someone like him.

But not as much as they would appreciate
what you have here with Ronnie.

Hello? Look at this place.
It's gorgeous.

You have a house big enough for you,
your mom, your kids.

You have a man who loves you...

...who lives in it with you.

That's a great life, Jess.

All right. Way to get dirty.

Oh, you know, she's a very nice girl
and we like to spend time together.

I like to spend time with her
and that's all there is to tell.

- There we go. Get in front of it.
- Danny!

Hustle!

That's a nice hotel, pal.

I'm not gonna say anything.

Come on, get your nose down.

Is she your, uh, special donor lady?

- She the one that paid for the uniforms?
- Yep.

That's right, Mike. You got me.

Lucky you.

I took a cab home
and jerked myself to sleep. Ha!

Oh, nice!

All right, look alive out there!

So who's Mr. Falls?

Hey, Mikey...

- ...take over for me, will you?
- Sure.

- Be right back.
- Hey!

- Hey.
- Hey. Ha.

- What's up?
- I had a booster meeting.

- How'd it go?
- Oh, you know. Eh.

Listen...

...I don't think we should
go bowling anymore.

- Okay.
- I've been thinking about it. It's weird.

My girlfriend thought the same thing.

The two of us, I mean, we're divorced.

What girlfriend?

The one you met
at the bowling alley, Lenore.

She thought you were cute.

I like to know you still have it.

That special sauce.

I don't know about that woman,
you know?

- She's got red eyes.
- She doesn't have red eyes.

- Like a rat.
- She has red hair.

All right, same difference.

Ronnie wants me to have a baby.

I thought you should know that.

With him?

Yeah, Ray, with him.

Well, what did you say?

I told him I'd think about it.

What? Are you gonna say something?

Ow. Sorry. I'm so sorry.

It's really bright up here.

Uh.

Hello, fellow poets...

...and poetry enthusiasts.

Um, my name is Tanya.

I am a poet, a temp and a pimp.

I laminated my poem.

I got a laminator at Costco.

My poem is called "Phallus."

Phallus, you stab into me

Release, but no peace

I fight the monolith
With angry moist folds of my soul

Is there a time limit?

How--

How can you understand me
When you are so dense?

How can you see me
With but one eye?

You propel forward
Ever restless, ever relentless

But the answer is right beside you

I circle around
With my engorged thoughts

My languid lust

But you can't fuck me
Because I'm already fucked

You can't fuck me
Because I'm already fucked

Oh, come on.

You can't fuck me
Because I'm already fucked

Shh. Stop it.

You can't fuck me
Because I'm already fucked

You can't fuck me
Because I'm already fucked

You can't fuck me
Because I'm already fucked!

You can't fuck me
Because I'm already fucked

You can't fuck me
Because I'm already fucked

You can't fuck me
Because I'm already fucked

You can't find me
Because I'm already lost

You can't find me
Because I'm already lost

You can't teach me
Because I'm already gone

You can't teach me
Because I'm already gone

But, uh, if you love me, I will--

I will fall into your arms.

That's it.

That's the thing about being an artist.

You draw on
your own life experiences.

You put them into your work.

You take whatever bothers you,
whatever inspires you...

...and you make it art.

Take Damon here, for example.

His father, Ray,
is a high school baseball coach.

No, I know, right?
You don't have to tell me.

But the other night,
not even knowing it...

...Damon made art.

He went to the baseball field
where his father, Ray, coaches...

...and he went to the home plate...

...and he, like, unzips his fly...

...took out his penis
and pissed on home plate.

He just peed on it
and he made art.

It was fantastic.

- Where are you going, coach?
- I gotta go.

Um, Tanya, that was, uh....
It was great, really.

Thanks, Ray.

Uh, it was nice to meet...

...all you people.

Keep, uh, doing what you do.

Damester, you ready?

Oh, I can take him home if you want.

I don't know.

I mean, yeah, I can catch a ride
with Tanya, Dad.

Yeah, okay. Sure, D.

- Thanks.
- No, don't thank me.

Thank Tanya.

Thank you, Tanya.

- Good night.
- Good night, coach.

Good night.

And that right there, my friends,
is the United States of America.

The red, the white and the green,
baby.

U.S.A.

But you do. You know it.