How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 9, Episode 6 - Knight Vision - full transcript

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Look at this, your wedding weekend.
Ripped By mstoll

I know, this close to finally having sex
again. It's been forever.

- You and Robin been abstaining?
- Talking about you.

Here's the deal. Every hookup at a weekend
wedding is decided at Friday night drinks.

Get stuck with the wrong girl tonight...

...the only action you'll get all weekend is
a self-five. And I don't mean the cool kind.

Self-five. That's the cool kind.

- Huh. It's a big decision.
- The biggest.

It brings to mind that religious text
which we hold most sacred.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Remember? They entered a chamber.

Really? I'm the one working with the Nazis?

Ted... Just... Just... Okay?

They had to choose which cup
was this special cup.

I forget what it was called,
it was the Holy Grail of cups.

- It was the Holy Grail.
- Of cups, exactly.

So the Nazi confederate chose, and...

[WHISPERING] Don't make me do that,
I'd rather...

- Ted, Ted, the confederate Nazi chose and...
- [IN NORMAL VOICE] Okay. Okay.

And now I'm gonna explode.

He chose poorly.

Then Indy picked a cup, and...

You chose wisely.

[UP-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

So choose wisely, Ted.

To help you decide, I spent all day
yesterday picking your top three prospects.

And I helped. It was either that
or writing our vows. Ugh. Gag.

Sophia was Robin's college roommate.

And she's apparently
"a bit of a screamer in the sack."

Yeah, mid-sex, she sounds exactly
like a car alarm from the '90s.

You know:

[MIMICKING CAR ALARM]

Dudes love it.

Cassie is the daughter
of my mom's best friend.

Sad story, 12 years ago, her gymnast career
was tragically cut short...

...when her boobs got too big.

Grace is a new co-worker.

She's had six different positions
at the firm.

- And that was just at the Christmas party.
- Ooh.

So Grace doesn't arrive till later,
I recommend Sophia.

I strongly feel
that you should strongly feel her.

Well, I guess it's decided then.

- Ted, right?
- Yeah.

I'm Cassie.

Something tells me that we are gonna
have a lot of fun this weekend. Ha, ha.

Cassie. I pick Cassie.

You chose poorly.

Hey, there's our minister.

What a sweet-Iooking old...

Aah. He looks scary.

Looks can be deceiving, Lily.

But not in this case.
He's a mean old tool.

Oh. He can't be that bad.

I'll get him to come around.

Yeah.

Hi, Reverend, I'm Lily Aldrin,
the maid of honor.

Not too much honor.

You're dressed like a whore.

[MOUTHING]
He loves me.

Why aren't you telling your wife
you got an offer to be ajudge?

Lily had her heart set
on us moving to Rome.

So I have to tell her in person.

That way, I know that I can convince her
we need to stay.

In the courtroom,
they call me "The Convincer."

They really call you that?

I convinced them to call me that.

But you prepare for your court cases.
Did you prepare for talking to Lily?

I don't need to prepare, okay,
I can craft a nice...

Thingy.

Oh. Wow, I am totally...

The twisty metal thingy?

- You're screwed.
- I'm screwed.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I'm sorry, Ted, I don't know.

I'm just so tired of this routine.

We flirt, we have a few drinks and then
we end the night with meaningless sex.

Oh.

Yeah.

Me too.

Do you wanna start the night
with meaningless sex and then flirt later?

You are a visionary.

- Ha, ha.
- Come on.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Oh! Oh.

It's work. Should I get it? Or ignore it?

Or get it? Oh! Or ignore it?

Or get it?

- You know, go ahead, get it.
- Okay. Ahem.

Hello?

You chose poorly.

I'm fired?

But teaching there was my dream job.

And you guys are my only friends.

You all hate me?

Can I at least say goodbye to my kids?

My kids all hate me?

[CRYING]

Oh. It's okay.

So, what were we about to do?

I think it was, uh, meaningless something?

Meaningless socks?
No, it wasn't meaningless socks.

Hey, hi, hi, hi.

Um, so little problem.

I was trying really hard
not to offend your minister.

- So how did you and your husband meet?
- Oh.

It was our first week of college.

I needed help hooking up my stereo...

... so I walked down the hall and I just knew
I should knock on this one door.

Marshall opened it. It was destiny.

- Hi.
- Hi.

We've been together ever since.

Excuse me.

What did I do wrong?

What did you do wrong?

Okay, we really wanted him to marry us.
His church has cute coming out the wazoo.

But when we met with him...

No pets in my church.

No casual attire in my church.
No gum. No sports logos...

...particularly the Orlando Magic.
- Reverend? More like never-end. Prayer five.

No shouting. No cell phones.

I'll warn you that I turn down
most wedding requests.

Particularly from boozy,
promiscuous Manhattanites...

...who only want me to marry them because
my church has "cute" coming out the wazoo.

- People are like that?
- That is the total opposite of us.

Well, then, how did you two meet?

Oh, um, um...

We've been dating since college.

We met the very first week.

I needed help hooking up my stereo...

... so I walked down the hall and I just knew
that I should knock on this one door.

BARNEY:
I opened the door and it was destiny.

- Hi.
- Hi.

[IN UNISON]
We've been together ever since.

You stole our story of how we met?

We had to. Your story is so sweet.
You didn't even kiss till the third date.

By our third date, I'd hit more bases
than Bob Hope on a USO tour.

Topical.

Now Reverend Lowell
knows we lied to him.

What if he cancels our wedding?

What? That's ridiculous.

Barney, Robin, I need to speak with you
in private immediately.

And it's not just losing my job.

My carjust got stolen with all my stuff in it.
And now I think I'm getting the flu.

I'm sorry, I've been talking
for, like, half an hour.

It's fine. Forty minutes, it's fine.

Still, I think I'd be able to handle all of this...

...if my boyfriend, Wesley,
hadn't just broken up with me.

[SOBBING]

Why don't you tell me about it?

Okay, I should go back to the beginning.

No, before the beginning.

- Winter, 1998...
TED: Man, this girl is a drag.

If I hurry, I bet I still have a shot
with Sophia.

Okay, I'll get one more drink with Cassie,
then bail.

But where, bar or dining room?

- Bar or dining room?
- For my fourth date with Wesley, we went...

Cassie, let's get one more drink
in the dining room.

You chose...

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Hey. We just ordered appetizers.
Sit down, you two.

Poorly.

You're walking into the biggest fight
of your life.

You have to be prepared.
You have to be tough.

- I am tough.
- No, you're not.

You make good points.

What are you gonna say to Lily
when you walk through that door?

Okay.

Hey, baby.

- So, listen, I got this phone call...
DAPHNE: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You haven't seen her in a week.
Where's the, "I missed you"?

How about a kiss?
Nothing about her new hairstyle?

- Hairstyle? I can't actually see...
- Start over.

Lily. Hi.

I missed you
and your hairstyle so much.

DAPHNE:
I missed you too.

I can't wait to show you how much
in bed tonight.

- Okay, that's creepy.
DAPHNE: Don't break character.

Okay. Um...

So, listen, I got this phone call last week
and l...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Acknowledge
her own views on the matter first. Start over.

Lily. Hi.
I missed you and your hairstyle so much.

DAPHNE:
I missed you too.

Okay, so, I know that you're excited
for Rome.

DAPHNE:
I'm more excited for bed tonight.

While I was away, uh,
I got a phone call to be ajudge.

DAPHNE:
What the damn hell?

- Lily does not say, "What the damn hell?"
- Well, I've never met her, but, yes, she does.

- You make some good points.
- Wow. You are terrible at this.

- Why'd we lie?
- We have to come clean.

- Frankly, I am appalled.
- I know. L...

Your friend Lily just tried to pass off your
sweet story of how you met as her own.

- That lying little tart.
- I am horrified and relieved.

Does Lily have any problems
that you're aware of?

- Drinking.
- Drugs.

BOTH:
She's been drinking drugs.

Well, I talked to Barney and Robin
and let me say, I am shocked.

You should be.

Flat-out lying to me like that?

We are not misunderstanding each other.

How dare you pretend their beautiful story
is actually your own?

Come again for Lil' Fudge?

I understand the temptation.
They're such a sweet couple.

I mean, the way they call each other
Barnmallow and Robinpad.

Ha, ha. Ah.

Yes, I do steal their stories.

But only because my husband and I
are so ashamed of how we met.

See, we only met because his friend Ted
fell in love with me.

And who could blame him?

Hey, Marshall, see that girl?

Oh, yeah. You just know she likes it dirty.
Go say hi.

I can't go say hi. I need a plan. I'm
gonna wait till she goes to the bathroom.

Hi. Have you met Ted?

- Hi.
- I'm sorry, I can't...

LILY: And now, after years of lying, cheating,
and back-sliding, here we are, married.

But what can I say?

My husband's a sociopath
who's slept with over a hundred women...

...and I'm a slut who once
let my boss feel me up.

- Oh, come on, it is over 250 women.
- I felt him up!

If you two want to get
married in my church...

...you'll stop breaking
the 9th Commandment.

- No fat chicks?
- Thou shalt not lie.

With fat chicks?

You're killing me. You're killing me.

Now, that was a good dessert.

Dessert sounds like desert...

...the desert has sand...

...there's sand at the beach...

...and Wesley and I
once drove by a beach.

[CRYING]

Excuse me.

TED:
Now's my chance to leave.

No, I'll wait five more seconds
so I don't seem too eager.

Four, three, two...

Thanks for keeping our daughter company.
She can be a drag, huh?

We're gonna go have a little fun.
See you.

You're on fire tonight, bro.

But, Lily, being ajudge is my dream job.

DAPHNE: So your dream job's
more important than my dream job?

Exactly. Now you're getting it.

Nope. Start over.

DAPHNE: So your dream job's
more important than my dream job?

But, baby, you already have
the best job in the world: Mom.

Nope. Start over.

DAPHNE: So your dream job's
more important than my dream job?

Hey, I gave up
peeing in the shower for you.

Nope. Start over.

DAPHNE: So your dream job's
more important than my dream job?

Of course not.

But this isn't just about our future,
it's about everyone's.

As a lawyer, I couldn't stop big oil from
polluting, but as ajudge, well, maybe I can.

And that's why I took the job.

You've just been Convincer-ed.

DAPHNE:
Wait. You already took the job?

Without even talking to your wife?

Start over. Start over. Start over.

What the damn hell?

Hi, Reverend Lowell?

Whoo! Made it through my half. You're up.

Uh, the truth is, we have a complicated,
messy history that we're not too proud of.

But we're sorry that we lied,
and hope that you can forgive us.

Nope. I can't do it.
You're going to have to find a new officiant.

Okay, well, these things happen.

- And a new church.
- What the damn hell?

TED:
This evening could not get any worse.

- Whenever you're ready.
TED: Crap.

Hey, Ted. Thanks for being so great.
I'm lucky to have you around this weekend.

Ooh. Yeah. About that.

I should really go see about the, uh...

- So sex?
- My room is very close.

Sophia. Hi.

Oh, God, Wesley.

Wait... Wait, you're Wesley?

Hey, Cassie. Your parents were just saying
you have a new boyfriend.

"Boyfriend"'s a little premature.

Though I did pay for dinner.

Ted and I are very happy.

- Are we?
- Even if he'll never replace you.

[SOBBING]

So, Sophia, hi, I'm Ted.

Robin's friend.

What do you say we give these
old flames a chance to catch up...

...and we could get a drink?
- Are you hitting on me?

- Dude.
- Ted. Let's go.

You tip...

...poorly.

Look, I know, I shouldn't have
taken the job without telling Lily.

- Why are you so ticked off about it?
- I know what she's going through.

I always dreamed of having a career
I could be proud of...

...but my husband never supported me.

Eventually I had to...

...make a choice.

Now every day I'm out there,
I'm fighting for the good guys, and I love it.

Doesn't your wife deserve that too?

Wow, um, maybe you're right.

I didn't realize
how many sacrifices you'd made.

- What is it you do, anyway?
- I'm a lobbyist for a big oil company.

What the damn hell?

I'm an environmentalist.
It's why you don't want me to be ajudge.

You're the reason I have to become
ajudge! You're the devil incarnate.

And outcarnate. Every kind of carnate.

Please, is there any way
you'd reconsider?

No. No. No.
You two are both terrible people.

Who found each other
in this crazy world.

And who lie about
how they found each other.

Please, leave now. Just...

[GROANS]

You know what? You're right,
we shouldn't have lied about our story.

I love our story.

Sure, it's messy, but it's the story
that got us here, about to get married.

I love it too.

Every messy chapter.

I love that you slept with over 250 women
before deciding that I was your favorite.

- This is killing me.
- And I love...

...that we had to keep having sex
with each other...

...even when dating other people.
- It's really killing me.

I love that your marriage proposal
involved a strip club...

...lying to me, and pretending
to bang the woman I hate for two months.

I love that we keep a tally
of different rooms we've had sex in.

I love that two weeks ago,
we put this room on that list.

Ah. Come on, rev, that's worth
some kind of reaction.

I mean, right where your hymnal is,
is where we... We...

[CHUCKLES]

Well, that's not what you want.

[CASSIE SOBBING]

Are you okay? I think maybe seeing
your ex was a bit much for you.

No, not at all. I want only you.

Oh, yeah. I want to rock your world.

You're so hot.

I want to ride you like a bronco.

Okay, Cassie. Cassie.
Yeah, we can't do this.

I mean, you're crying.

And contagious.

You're having a really, really bad week.

I think you should just take it easy.

- You're right. I'm not in a good place.
- No.

Oh, wow, I probably would have let you
do all sorts of crazy things to me.

Exactly.

I release you.

Go have fun this weekend.
Meet someone else.

TED: Yes, yes! Be cool.
- Okay.

TED:
But I couldn't meet someone else.

Hey, Ted, everyone here is saying you
and Cassie are the couple of the weekend.

How great is that?

TED:
Barney was right. I had chosen poorly.

Everyone had seen us together,
and now the whole weekend seemed lost.

Until...

Hi, I just got here.

Did I miss anything?

Not at all. Grace, right? I'm Ted.

Let's get you a drink before
you talk to anyone else or hear anything.

Hey, guys. How's your night going?

Ugh. Our ministerjust died.

We can use the church, but we have
two days to find a new officiant.

Unless...

- "Wedding at Bernie's."
- We're not doing "Wedding at Bernie's."

Oh, that's terrible.

Should I make a toast in his honor?

[MOUTHING]
No, no, no.

Of course I should.

Everyone? To Reverend Lowell.

He may have passed away tonight,
but he will always...

Uncle Robert died?

Oh, no.

[CRYING]

Have a nice weekend.

TED: All that night,
I did nothing but choose poorly.

But thanks to Cassie, I didn't get together
with anyone at that wedding.

And if I had, well, then...

... your mother and I
might never have met.

So maybe, in a way, I chose wisely.

[SOPHIA MIMICKING CAR ALARM]

TED: Although it sure as heck
didn't feel like it at the time.

She chose Wesley.

Ha, ha. I've been dying
to say that one all night.

Look, I'm sorry I yelled at you.

Truth is, you're right. It was wrong
of me to take that job without telling Lily.

I don't need to be tough with her.
I need to be fair.

Thanks, Marshall.

I should also apologize.

While you were filling the tank...

...I may have been so angry,
I texted your wife...

...with the news
that you took that judge offer.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Don't forget to compliment her hair.
Ripped By mstoll