How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 9, Episode 6 - Knight Vision - full transcript
When Ted finds himself with three prospects to be his date for the wedding weekend, he chooses poorly. Meanwhile, Barney and Robin have a confrontation with their minister, and Marshall learns more about his driving companion, Daphne.
TED:
Look at this,
your wedding weekend.
I know.
This close to finally
having sex again.
It's been forever.
Oh, you and Robin
been abstaining?
Talking about you, Ted.
Now here's the deal:
every hookup
at a weekend wedding is decided
at Friday night drinks.
Get stuck with
the wrong girl
tonight, the only action you'll
be getting all weekend
is a self-five,
and I don't mean the cool kind.
(chuckles)
Self-five! That's the cool kind.
Well, that's a big decision.
The biggest.
It brings to mind
that religious text
which we hold most sacred:
Indiana Jones and
the Last Crusade.
Remember?
They entered a chamber.
Really? I'm the one working
with the Nazis?
Ted, just... just... okay?
Yeah.
They had to choose
which cup was
this special cup.
I forget what
it was called,
but it's like the
Holy Grail of cups.
It was the Holy Grail.
Of cups, exactly.
So the Nazi confederate
chose, and...
(quietly):
Please don't make me do that...
Ted, Ted, the confederate
Nazi chose, and...? - I...
Okay, okay.
Oh.
And so now I'm gonna explode.
(explosion sounds)
He chose...
poorly.
Then Indy picked
a cup, and...
You chose...
wisely.
(playing surf guitar)
So choose wisely, Ted.
To help you decide,
I spent all day yesterday
picking your top
three prospects.
And I helped.
It was either that
or writing our vows.
Uch! Gag.
Sophia was Robin's
college roommate,
and she's apparently "a bit
of a screamer" in the sack.
Yeah, mid-sex,
she sounds exactly like
a car alarm from the '90s.
You know, whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo,
ooh-uh, ooh, ah-ah-ah-ah.
Dudes love it.
Cassie is the daughter
of my mom's best friend.
Sad story: 12 years ago,
her gymnast career
was tragically cut short
when her boobs got too big.
Grace is a new coworker.
She's had six different
positions at the firm,
and that was just at
the Christmas party.
Ooh.
So, Grace doesn't arrive till later,
Mm-hmm.
I recommend
(whistles) Sophia.
I strongly feel that you
should strongly feel her.
I guess it's decided, then.
Ted, right?
Yeah.
I'm Cassie.
Oh... something tells me
that we are gonna have a lot
of fun this weekend. (chuckles)
(quietly):
Cassie. I pick Cassie.
You chose...
poorly.
♪ How I Met Your Mother 9x06 ♪
Knight Vision
Original Air Date on October 21, 2013
Hey, there's our minister.
Oh, what a sweet-looking old...
Ah! He looks scary.
Looks can be
deceiving, Lily.
But not in this case.
He's a mean old tool.
Oh, he can't be that bad.
I'll get him to come around.
Just...
Hi, Reverend,
I'm Lily Aldrin,
the maid of honor.
Not too much honor.
You're dressed like a whore.
(mouthing)
So what's going on?
Why aren't you telling your wife
you got an offer to be a judge?
Lily had her heart set
on us moving to Rome,
so I have to tell her in person.
That way, I know that I can
convince her
that we need to stay.
In the courtroom,
they call me The Convincer.
They really call you that?
I convinced them
to call me that.
But you have to prepare
for your court cases.
Did you prepare
for talking to Lily?
I don't need to prepare, okay?
I can craft a nice...
thingy.
Oh, wow I'm totally...
the twisty metal thingy?
You're screwed.
I'm screwed!
(both laughing)
I'm sorry, Ted, I don't know.
I'm just so tired
of this routine:
we flirt, we have a few drinks,
and then we end the night
with meaningless sex.
Oh...
yeah.
Me, too.
Do you want to start the night
with meaningless sex
and then flirt later?
You are a visionary.
(laughs)
Come on.
(phone rings)
Oh! Oh! It's work.
Should I get it or ignore it?
Or get it? Oh, or ignore it?
Um...
Forget it?
You know? Go ahead, get it.
Okay. (clears throat)
Hello?
You chose...
poorly.
I'm fired?
But teaching there
was my dream job!
And you guys
are my only friends.
You all hate me?
Can I at least say
good-bye to all my kids?
My kids all hate me?!
(sobbing)
Oh!
Oh. It's okay.
So, what were we
about to do?
I think it was
"meaningless" something?
Meaningless socks? No.
(sobbing)
No, it wasn't
meaningless socks.
Hey, hi, hi, hi.
Um, so, a little problem.
I was trying really hard
not to offend your minister...
So how did you
and your husband meet?
Oh, it was our first week
of college.
I needed help hooking up
my stereo,
so I walked down the hall,
and I just knew
I should knock
on this one door.
Marshall opened it.
It was destiny.
Hi.
Hi.
We've been together ever since.
Excuse me!
What did I do wrong?
What did you do wrong?
We really wanted him
to marry us.
His church has cute
coming out the wazoo,
but when we met with him...
No pets in my church.
No casual attire in my church.
No gum.
No sports logos...
Reverend?
More like Never-end.
Prayer-five.
No shouting. No cell phones.
I'll warn you
that I turn down
most wedding requests.
Particularly from boozy,
promiscuous Manhattanites
who only want me
to marry them because
my church has "cute
coming out the wazoo."
That is the total
opposite of us.
People are like that?
Well, then,
how did you two meet?
Oh, um, um...
Um...
Uh, we've been...
dating since college.
We met the
very first week.
I needed help
hooking up my stereo,
so I walked down the hall,
and I just knew
that I should knock
on this one door.
BARNEY:
I opened the door.
And it was destiny.
Hi.
Hi.
BOTH:
We've been together ever since!
You stole our story
of how we met?!
We had to! Your story is so sweet!
Mm.
You didn't even kiss
till the third date.
By our third date,
I'd hit more bases
than Bob Hope on a USO tour.
Topical.
Now Reverend Lowell
knows that we lied to him.
What if he cancels
our wedding?
What? That's ridiculous.
Barney, Robin,
I need to speak
with you in private immediately.
And it's not just
losing my job,
my car just got stolen
with all my stuff in it.
And now I think
I'm getting the flu!
I'm sorry.
I've been talking
for, like, a half an hour.
It's fine.
40 minutes. It's fine.
Still, I think I would be able
to handle all of this
(voice breaks): if my boyfriend Wesley
hadn't just broken up with me!
(sobs softly)
(inhales deeply)
Why don't you tell me about it?
Okay! I should go back
to the beginning.
Oh, no, before the beginning.
Winter, 1998...
Man, this girl is a drag!
If I hurry, I bet I still have
a shot with Sophia.
Okay, I'll get one more drink
with Cassie, then bail.
But where, bar or dining room?
Bar or dining room?
For my fourth date
with Wesley, we went...
Cassie, let's get one more drink
in the dining room.
You chose...
Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad!
Hey! We just ordered
appetizers.
Sit down, you two!
...Ha-poorly!
Marshall, you're walking into
the biggest fight of your life.
You have to be prepared.
You have to be tough.
I am tough!
No, you're not.
You make some good points.
Now, what exactly
are you gonna say to Lily
when you walk
through that door?
Okay.
Hey, baby.
So, listen,
I got this phone call...
DAPHNE:
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You haven't seen her in a week.
Where's the "I missed you"?
How about a kiss?
Nothing about her new hairstyle?
Hairstyle?
I can't actually see...
Start over!
Lily! Hi.
Mmm.
I missed you.
And your hairstyle so much.
DAPHNE'S VOICE:
I missed you, too.
I can't wait to show you
how much in bed tonight.
Okay, that's creepy.
Don't break character.
Okay, um...
So, listen, I got this
phone call last week, and I...
DAPHNE:
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Acknowledge her own views
on the matter first.
Start over.
Lily, hi, mwah.
I missed you
and your hairstyle so much.
DAPHNE'S VOICE:
I missed you, too.
Okay, so, I know
that you're excited for Rome.
I'm more excited
for bed tonight.
While I was away,
uh, I got a phone call.
To be a judge.
What the damn hell?!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Lily does not say
"What the damn hell."
Well, I've never met her
but, yes, she does.
You make some good points.
Wow.
You are terrible at this.
(sighs)
Why did we lie?
We have to come clean.
Frankly,
I am appalled.
I know. I...
Your friend
Lily just tried to pass off
your sweet story
of how you met as her own.
That lying little tart!
I am horrified and relieved!
Does Lily have any... problems
that you're aware of?
Drinking.
Drugs.
BOTH:
She's been drinking drugs.
LOWELL:
Well,
I talked to Barney
and Robin,
and, let me say, I'm shocked.
You should be.
Flat-out lying to me like that?
We are not misunderstanding
each other.
How dare you pretend their
beautiful story is actually your own.
Come again for Lil' Fudge?
(chuckles)
I understand the temptation.
They're such a sweet couple.
I mean, the way
they call each other
Barnmallow and Robinpad.
(chuckles)
Oh.
LILY:
Yes.
I do steal
their stories.
Mm-hmm.
But only because
my husband and I
are so ashamed
of how we met.
See, we only met
because his friend Ted
fell in love with me.
And who could blame him?
Hey, Marshall.
See that girl?
Oh, yeah.
You just know
she likes it dirty.
Go say hi.
What?
I can't just go say hi.
I-I need a plan.
Hmm.
I'm gonna wait until
she goes to the bathroom...
Hi.
Have you met Ted?
MARSHALL:
I'm sorry,
I can't...
LILY:
And now, after years of lying,
cheating and backsliding,
here we are, married!
But what can I say?
My husband's a sociopath
who's slept with over
a hundred women,
and I'm a slut who once let
my boss feel me up.
Oh, come on!
I felt him up!
It is over 250 women!
If you two want to get married
in my church,
you'll stop breaking
the ninth commandment.
Uh...
no fat chicks?
Thou shalt not lie!
With fat chicks?
You're killing me.
You're killing me.
Now that...
was a good dessert.
(Cassie sighs)
"Dessert" sounds like "desert."
The desert
has sand...
there's sand
at the beach...
and Wesley and I
once drove by a beach.
(sobbing)
Excuse me.
(sobbing)
TED:
Now's my chance to leave.
No, I'll wait five more seconds
so I don't seem too eager.
Four...
three...
two...
Well, thanks for keeping
our daughter company.
Man, she can be
a real drag, huh?
We're gonna go have
a little fun. See ya!
(laughing)
You're on fire tonight, bro.
But, Lily, being a judge
is my dream job.
DAPHNE'S VOICE:
So your dream job
is more important
than my dream job?
Exactly.
Now you're getting it.
(clucks tongue)
Nope.
Start over.
So your dream job's
more important
than my dream job?
But, baby, you already have
the best job in the world:
Mom.
Nope.
Start over.
So your dream job's
more important
than my dream job?
Hey, I gave up peeing
in the shower for you.
Nope.
Start over.
So your dream job's
more important
than my dream job?
Of course not.
But this isn't
just about our future.
It's about everyone's.
As a lawyer,
I couldn't stop big oil
from polluting,
but as a judge...
well, maybe I can.
And that's why I took the job.
You've just been "convincered."
Wait.
You already took the job?
Without even talking
to your wife?
Start over.
Start over... start over.
What the damn hell?!
Hi, Reverend
Lowell?
Whew.
Made it through my half.
You're up.
Oh. Uh...
The-the truth is,
we-we have
a complicated,
messy history
that-that we're
not too proud of.
But...
we're sorry
that we lied,
and hope that
you can forgive us.
Nope, I can't do it.
You're going to have
to find a new officiant.
Okay.
Well, these
things happen.
And a new church.
What the damn hell?!
TED: This evening could not
get any worse.
Whenever you're ready.
Crap!
Hey, Ted.
Thanks for
being so great.
I'm lucky to have you
around this weekend.
Ooh, yeah...
About that...
I should really go see
about the, uh...
So, sex?
My room is very close.
(Cassie laughs)
TED:
Sophia. Hi.
Oh, God. Wesley.
Wait. Wait, you're Wesley?
Hey, Cassie.
(laughs nervously)
Your parents were just saying
you have a new boyfriend.
"Boyfriend" is
a little premature.
Though I did
pay for dinner.
Ted and I are
very happy.
Are we?
(crying): Even if... he'll
never replace you.
(sobbing)
So, Sophia. Hi.
I'm Ted.
Robin's friend.
What do you say we give
these two old flames
a chance to...
catch up alone,
and maybe you and I
could go get a drink.
Are you hitting on me?
Dude!
Ted, let's go!
You tip...
(scoffs)
...poorly.
Look, I know. I shouldn't
have taken the job
without telling Lily.
Why are you so ticked off
about it?
Because I know
what she's going through.
I always dreamed
of having a career
I could be proud of,
but my husband never
supported me.
Eventually,
I had to... make a choice.
Now, every day,
I'm out there,
I'm fighting for the good guys,
and I love it.
Doesn't
your wife deserve th, too?
Wow. Um, maybe
you're right.
I didn't realize how many
sacrifices you'd made.
What is it you do, anyway?
I'm a lobbyist
for a big oil company.
What the damn hell?!
You know
that I'm an environmentalist!
That's why you don't want me
to become a judge.
But you're the reason
I have to become a judge!
You're the devil incarnate!
And outcarnate!
Every kind of carnate!
Please, is-is there
any way you'd reconsider?
No! No, no!
You two are both
terrible people.
Who found each other
in this crazy world!
Aw!
And who lie
about how they found each other.
So, please leave now. Just...
Ugh! Ugh!
You know what?
You're right.
We shouldn't have lied
about our story.
I love our story.
Sure, it's messy,
but it's the story
that got us here,
about to get married.
I love it, too.
Every messy chapter.
I love that you slept
with over 250 women
before deciding that
I was your favorite.
This is killing me.
And I love
that we just had
to keep having sex
with each other,
even when we were dating
other people.
This is really killing me.
And I love that your
marriage proposal
involved a strip
club, lying to me,
and pretending to bang the
woman I hate for two months.
I love that we keep
a running tally
of all the different rooms
we've had sex in.
I love that two weeks ago, we
put this room on that list.
Huh? Come on, Rev.
That's got to be worth
some kind of reaction, right?
I mean, right where
your hymnal is, is where we...
we...
(laughs)
Well, that's not what you want.
(crying and kissing)
(crying, sniffling,
kissing)
Um, are...
are you okay?
I think... think maybe seeing
your ex was a bit much for you.
No. Not at all.
I want... only you.
Oh, yeah.
I want to...
I want to rock your world.
And you're so hot.
(sniffling)
I want to ride you
like a bronco.
(sobbing)
Okay, Cassie. Cassie.
Yeah, we...
we can't do this.
I mean, you're crying.
(coughing)
And contagious.
You're-you're having
a really, really bad week.
I think... I think
you should just
take it easy.
You're right.
I'm not in a good place.
No.
Oh, wow.
I probably would have
let you do
all sorts of crazy things to me.
(sighs)
Exactly.
I release you.
Go have fun this weekend.
Meet someone else.
TED: Yes! Yes! Be cool.
Okay.
NARRATOR: But I couldn't
meet someone else.
Hey, Ted?
Yeah.
Everyone here is saying
you and Cassie are the
couple of the weekend.
How great is that?
NARRATOR:
Barney was right.
I'd chosen poorly,
everyone had seen us together,
and now the whole weekend
seemed lost.
Until...
Hi. I just got here.
Did I miss anything?
Not at all. Grace, right?
I'm Ted. Let's get you a drink
before you talk to anyone else
or hear anything.
Hey, guys.
How's your night going?
Ugh!
Ugh!
Our minister just died.
Wh...?
We can still use the church,
but we only have two days
to find a new officiant.
Unless...
BARNEY:
Wedding at Bernie's!
We're not doing
Wedding at Bernie's!
Wow. Oh, that's terrible.
Should I make a toast
in his honor?
(whispers):
No.
Of course I should.
Everyone?
To Reverend Lowell.
He may have
passed away
tonight, but
he will always...
Uncle Robert died?!
Oh, no.
(crying)
(high-pitched crying)
(sobbing)
Have a nice weekend.
NARRATOR: All that night, I did nothing
but choose poorly.
But thanks to Cassie,
I didn't get together
with anyone at that wedding.
And if I had,
well, then, your mother
and I might never have met.
So, maybe, in a way,
I chose wisely.
SOPHIA:
Boo-uh! Boo-uh! Eee!
Although, it sure as heck
didn't feel like it
at the time.
Aah! Aah! Aah!
(sighs)
She chose...
Wesley.
(chuckling)
I've been dying
to say that one all night.
Look, I'm sorry
I yelled at you.
The truth is, you're right.
It was wrong of me to take
that job without telling Lily.
I don't need to be tough
with her. I need to be fair.
Thanks, Marshall.
Mm.
I should also apologize.
While you were filling the tank,
I may have been so angry,
I texted your wife with the news
that you took that judge offer.
(phone ringing)
Don't forget
to compliment her hair.
Look at this,
your wedding weekend.
I know.
This close to finally
having sex again.
It's been forever.
Oh, you and Robin
been abstaining?
Talking about you, Ted.
Now here's the deal:
every hookup
at a weekend wedding is decided
at Friday night drinks.
Get stuck with
the wrong girl
tonight, the only action you'll
be getting all weekend
is a self-five,
and I don't mean the cool kind.
(chuckles)
Self-five! That's the cool kind.
Well, that's a big decision.
The biggest.
It brings to mind
that religious text
which we hold most sacred:
Indiana Jones and
the Last Crusade.
Remember?
They entered a chamber.
Really? I'm the one working
with the Nazis?
Ted, just... just... okay?
Yeah.
They had to choose
which cup was
this special cup.
I forget what
it was called,
but it's like the
Holy Grail of cups.
It was the Holy Grail.
Of cups, exactly.
So the Nazi confederate
chose, and...
(quietly):
Please don't make me do that...
Ted, Ted, the confederate
Nazi chose, and...? - I...
Okay, okay.
Oh.
And so now I'm gonna explode.
(explosion sounds)
He chose...
poorly.
Then Indy picked
a cup, and...
You chose...
wisely.
(playing surf guitar)
So choose wisely, Ted.
To help you decide,
I spent all day yesterday
picking your top
three prospects.
And I helped.
It was either that
or writing our vows.
Uch! Gag.
Sophia was Robin's
college roommate,
and she's apparently "a bit
of a screamer" in the sack.
Yeah, mid-sex,
she sounds exactly like
a car alarm from the '90s.
You know, whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo,
ooh-uh, ooh, ah-ah-ah-ah.
Dudes love it.
Cassie is the daughter
of my mom's best friend.
Sad story: 12 years ago,
her gymnast career
was tragically cut short
when her boobs got too big.
Grace is a new coworker.
She's had six different
positions at the firm,
and that was just at
the Christmas party.
Ooh.
So, Grace doesn't arrive till later,
Mm-hmm.
I recommend
(whistles) Sophia.
I strongly feel that you
should strongly feel her.
I guess it's decided, then.
Ted, right?
Yeah.
I'm Cassie.
Oh... something tells me
that we are gonna have a lot
of fun this weekend. (chuckles)
(quietly):
Cassie. I pick Cassie.
You chose...
poorly.
♪ How I Met Your Mother 9x06 ♪
Knight Vision
Original Air Date on October 21, 2013
Hey, there's our minister.
Oh, what a sweet-looking old...
Ah! He looks scary.
Looks can be
deceiving, Lily.
But not in this case.
He's a mean old tool.
Oh, he can't be that bad.
I'll get him to come around.
Just...
Hi, Reverend,
I'm Lily Aldrin,
the maid of honor.
Not too much honor.
You're dressed like a whore.
(mouthing)
So what's going on?
Why aren't you telling your wife
you got an offer to be a judge?
Lily had her heart set
on us moving to Rome,
so I have to tell her in person.
That way, I know that I can
convince her
that we need to stay.
In the courtroom,
they call me The Convincer.
They really call you that?
I convinced them
to call me that.
But you have to prepare
for your court cases.
Did you prepare
for talking to Lily?
I don't need to prepare, okay?
I can craft a nice...
thingy.
Oh, wow I'm totally...
the twisty metal thingy?
You're screwed.
I'm screwed!
(both laughing)
I'm sorry, Ted, I don't know.
I'm just so tired
of this routine:
we flirt, we have a few drinks,
and then we end the night
with meaningless sex.
Oh...
yeah.
Me, too.
Do you want to start the night
with meaningless sex
and then flirt later?
You are a visionary.
(laughs)
Come on.
(phone rings)
Oh! Oh! It's work.
Should I get it or ignore it?
Or get it? Oh, or ignore it?
Um...
Forget it?
You know? Go ahead, get it.
Okay. (clears throat)
Hello?
You chose...
poorly.
I'm fired?
But teaching there
was my dream job!
And you guys
are my only friends.
You all hate me?
Can I at least say
good-bye to all my kids?
My kids all hate me?!
(sobbing)
Oh!
Oh. It's okay.
So, what were we
about to do?
I think it was
"meaningless" something?
Meaningless socks? No.
(sobbing)
No, it wasn't
meaningless socks.
Hey, hi, hi, hi.
Um, so, a little problem.
I was trying really hard
not to offend your minister...
So how did you
and your husband meet?
Oh, it was our first week
of college.
I needed help hooking up
my stereo,
so I walked down the hall,
and I just knew
I should knock
on this one door.
Marshall opened it.
It was destiny.
Hi.
Hi.
We've been together ever since.
Excuse me!
What did I do wrong?
What did you do wrong?
We really wanted him
to marry us.
His church has cute
coming out the wazoo,
but when we met with him...
No pets in my church.
No casual attire in my church.
No gum.
No sports logos...
Reverend?
More like Never-end.
Prayer-five.
No shouting. No cell phones.
I'll warn you
that I turn down
most wedding requests.
Particularly from boozy,
promiscuous Manhattanites
who only want me
to marry them because
my church has "cute
coming out the wazoo."
That is the total
opposite of us.
People are like that?
Well, then,
how did you two meet?
Oh, um, um...
Um...
Uh, we've been...
dating since college.
We met the
very first week.
I needed help
hooking up my stereo,
so I walked down the hall,
and I just knew
that I should knock
on this one door.
BARNEY:
I opened the door.
And it was destiny.
Hi.
Hi.
BOTH:
We've been together ever since!
You stole our story
of how we met?!
We had to! Your story is so sweet!
Mm.
You didn't even kiss
till the third date.
By our third date,
I'd hit more bases
than Bob Hope on a USO tour.
Topical.
Now Reverend Lowell
knows that we lied to him.
What if he cancels
our wedding?
What? That's ridiculous.
Barney, Robin,
I need to speak
with you in private immediately.
And it's not just
losing my job,
my car just got stolen
with all my stuff in it.
And now I think
I'm getting the flu!
I'm sorry.
I've been talking
for, like, a half an hour.
It's fine.
40 minutes. It's fine.
Still, I think I would be able
to handle all of this
(voice breaks): if my boyfriend Wesley
hadn't just broken up with me!
(sobs softly)
(inhales deeply)
Why don't you tell me about it?
Okay! I should go back
to the beginning.
Oh, no, before the beginning.
Winter, 1998...
Man, this girl is a drag!
If I hurry, I bet I still have
a shot with Sophia.
Okay, I'll get one more drink
with Cassie, then bail.
But where, bar or dining room?
Bar or dining room?
For my fourth date
with Wesley, we went...
Cassie, let's get one more drink
in the dining room.
You chose...
Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad!
Hey! We just ordered
appetizers.
Sit down, you two!
...Ha-poorly!
Marshall, you're walking into
the biggest fight of your life.
You have to be prepared.
You have to be tough.
I am tough!
No, you're not.
You make some good points.
Now, what exactly
are you gonna say to Lily
when you walk
through that door?
Okay.
Hey, baby.
So, listen,
I got this phone call...
DAPHNE:
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You haven't seen her in a week.
Where's the "I missed you"?
How about a kiss?
Nothing about her new hairstyle?
Hairstyle?
I can't actually see...
Start over!
Lily! Hi.
Mmm.
I missed you.
And your hairstyle so much.
DAPHNE'S VOICE:
I missed you, too.
I can't wait to show you
how much in bed tonight.
Okay, that's creepy.
Don't break character.
Okay, um...
So, listen, I got this
phone call last week, and I...
DAPHNE:
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Acknowledge her own views
on the matter first.
Start over.
Lily, hi, mwah.
I missed you
and your hairstyle so much.
DAPHNE'S VOICE:
I missed you, too.
Okay, so, I know
that you're excited for Rome.
I'm more excited
for bed tonight.
While I was away,
uh, I got a phone call.
To be a judge.
What the damn hell?!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Lily does not say
"What the damn hell."
Well, I've never met her
but, yes, she does.
You make some good points.
Wow.
You are terrible at this.
(sighs)
Why did we lie?
We have to come clean.
Frankly,
I am appalled.
I know. I...
Your friend
Lily just tried to pass off
your sweet story
of how you met as her own.
That lying little tart!
I am horrified and relieved!
Does Lily have any... problems
that you're aware of?
Drinking.
Drugs.
BOTH:
She's been drinking drugs.
LOWELL:
Well,
I talked to Barney
and Robin,
and, let me say, I'm shocked.
You should be.
Flat-out lying to me like that?
We are not misunderstanding
each other.
How dare you pretend their
beautiful story is actually your own.
Come again for Lil' Fudge?
(chuckles)
I understand the temptation.
They're such a sweet couple.
I mean, the way
they call each other
Barnmallow and Robinpad.
(chuckles)
Oh.
LILY:
Yes.
I do steal
their stories.
Mm-hmm.
But only because
my husband and I
are so ashamed
of how we met.
See, we only met
because his friend Ted
fell in love with me.
And who could blame him?
Hey, Marshall.
See that girl?
Oh, yeah.
You just know
she likes it dirty.
Go say hi.
What?
I can't just go say hi.
I-I need a plan.
Hmm.
I'm gonna wait until
she goes to the bathroom...
Hi.
Have you met Ted?
MARSHALL:
I'm sorry,
I can't...
LILY:
And now, after years of lying,
cheating and backsliding,
here we are, married!
But what can I say?
My husband's a sociopath
who's slept with over
a hundred women,
and I'm a slut who once let
my boss feel me up.
Oh, come on!
I felt him up!
It is over 250 women!
If you two want to get married
in my church,
you'll stop breaking
the ninth commandment.
Uh...
no fat chicks?
Thou shalt not lie!
With fat chicks?
You're killing me.
You're killing me.
Now that...
was a good dessert.
(Cassie sighs)
"Dessert" sounds like "desert."
The desert
has sand...
there's sand
at the beach...
and Wesley and I
once drove by a beach.
(sobbing)
Excuse me.
(sobbing)
TED:
Now's my chance to leave.
No, I'll wait five more seconds
so I don't seem too eager.
Four...
three...
two...
Well, thanks for keeping
our daughter company.
Man, she can be
a real drag, huh?
We're gonna go have
a little fun. See ya!
(laughing)
You're on fire tonight, bro.
But, Lily, being a judge
is my dream job.
DAPHNE'S VOICE:
So your dream job
is more important
than my dream job?
Exactly.
Now you're getting it.
(clucks tongue)
Nope.
Start over.
So your dream job's
more important
than my dream job?
But, baby, you already have
the best job in the world:
Mom.
Nope.
Start over.
So your dream job's
more important
than my dream job?
Hey, I gave up peeing
in the shower for you.
Nope.
Start over.
So your dream job's
more important
than my dream job?
Of course not.
But this isn't
just about our future.
It's about everyone's.
As a lawyer,
I couldn't stop big oil
from polluting,
but as a judge...
well, maybe I can.
And that's why I took the job.
You've just been "convincered."
Wait.
You already took the job?
Without even talking
to your wife?
Start over.
Start over... start over.
What the damn hell?!
Hi, Reverend
Lowell?
Whew.
Made it through my half.
You're up.
Oh. Uh...
The-the truth is,
we-we have
a complicated,
messy history
that-that we're
not too proud of.
But...
we're sorry
that we lied,
and hope that
you can forgive us.
Nope, I can't do it.
You're going to have
to find a new officiant.
Okay.
Well, these
things happen.
And a new church.
What the damn hell?!
TED: This evening could not
get any worse.
Whenever you're ready.
Crap!
Hey, Ted.
Thanks for
being so great.
I'm lucky to have you
around this weekend.
Ooh, yeah...
About that...
I should really go see
about the, uh...
So, sex?
My room is very close.
(Cassie laughs)
TED:
Sophia. Hi.
Oh, God. Wesley.
Wait. Wait, you're Wesley?
Hey, Cassie.
(laughs nervously)
Your parents were just saying
you have a new boyfriend.
"Boyfriend" is
a little premature.
Though I did
pay for dinner.
Ted and I are
very happy.
Are we?
(crying): Even if... he'll
never replace you.
(sobbing)
So, Sophia. Hi.
I'm Ted.
Robin's friend.
What do you say we give
these two old flames
a chance to...
catch up alone,
and maybe you and I
could go get a drink.
Are you hitting on me?
Dude!
Ted, let's go!
You tip...
(scoffs)
...poorly.
Look, I know. I shouldn't
have taken the job
without telling Lily.
Why are you so ticked off
about it?
Because I know
what she's going through.
I always dreamed
of having a career
I could be proud of,
but my husband never
supported me.
Eventually,
I had to... make a choice.
Now, every day,
I'm out there,
I'm fighting for the good guys,
and I love it.
Doesn't
your wife deserve th, too?
Wow. Um, maybe
you're right.
I didn't realize how many
sacrifices you'd made.
What is it you do, anyway?
I'm a lobbyist
for a big oil company.
What the damn hell?!
You know
that I'm an environmentalist!
That's why you don't want me
to become a judge.
But you're the reason
I have to become a judge!
You're the devil incarnate!
And outcarnate!
Every kind of carnate!
Please, is-is there
any way you'd reconsider?
No! No, no!
You two are both
terrible people.
Who found each other
in this crazy world!
Aw!
And who lie
about how they found each other.
So, please leave now. Just...
Ugh! Ugh!
You know what?
You're right.
We shouldn't have lied
about our story.
I love our story.
Sure, it's messy,
but it's the story
that got us here,
about to get married.
I love it, too.
Every messy chapter.
I love that you slept
with over 250 women
before deciding that
I was your favorite.
This is killing me.
And I love
that we just had
to keep having sex
with each other,
even when we were dating
other people.
This is really killing me.
And I love that your
marriage proposal
involved a strip
club, lying to me,
and pretending to bang the
woman I hate for two months.
I love that we keep
a running tally
of all the different rooms
we've had sex in.
I love that two weeks ago, we
put this room on that list.
Huh? Come on, Rev.
That's got to be worth
some kind of reaction, right?
I mean, right where
your hymnal is, is where we...
we...
(laughs)
Well, that's not what you want.
(crying and kissing)
(crying, sniffling,
kissing)
Um, are...
are you okay?
I think... think maybe seeing
your ex was a bit much for you.
No. Not at all.
I want... only you.
Oh, yeah.
I want to...
I want to rock your world.
And you're so hot.
(sniffling)
I want to ride you
like a bronco.
(sobbing)
Okay, Cassie. Cassie.
Yeah, we...
we can't do this.
I mean, you're crying.
(coughing)
And contagious.
You're-you're having
a really, really bad week.
I think... I think
you should just
take it easy.
You're right.
I'm not in a good place.
No.
Oh, wow.
I probably would have
let you do
all sorts of crazy things to me.
(sighs)
Exactly.
I release you.
Go have fun this weekend.
Meet someone else.
TED: Yes! Yes! Be cool.
Okay.
NARRATOR: But I couldn't
meet someone else.
Hey, Ted?
Yeah.
Everyone here is saying
you and Cassie are the
couple of the weekend.
How great is that?
NARRATOR:
Barney was right.
I'd chosen poorly,
everyone had seen us together,
and now the whole weekend
seemed lost.
Until...
Hi. I just got here.
Did I miss anything?
Not at all. Grace, right?
I'm Ted. Let's get you a drink
before you talk to anyone else
or hear anything.
Hey, guys.
How's your night going?
Ugh!
Ugh!
Our minister just died.
Wh...?
We can still use the church,
but we only have two days
to find a new officiant.
Unless...
BARNEY:
Wedding at Bernie's!
We're not doing
Wedding at Bernie's!
Wow. Oh, that's terrible.
Should I make a toast
in his honor?
(whispers):
No.
Of course I should.
Everyone?
To Reverend Lowell.
He may have
passed away
tonight, but
he will always...
Uncle Robert died?!
Oh, no.
(crying)
(high-pitched crying)
(sobbing)
Have a nice weekend.
NARRATOR: All that night, I did nothing
but choose poorly.
But thanks to Cassie,
I didn't get together
with anyone at that wedding.
And if I had,
well, then, your mother
and I might never have met.
So, maybe, in a way,
I chose wisely.
SOPHIA:
Boo-uh! Boo-uh! Eee!
Although, it sure as heck
didn't feel like it
at the time.
Aah! Aah! Aah!
(sighs)
She chose...
Wesley.
(chuckling)
I've been dying
to say that one all night.
Look, I'm sorry
I yelled at you.
The truth is, you're right.
It was wrong of me to take
that job without telling Lily.
I don't need to be tough
with her. I need to be fair.
Thanks, Marshall.
Mm.
I should also apologize.
While you were filling the tank,
I may have been so angry,
I texted your wife with the news
that you took that judge offer.
(phone ringing)
Don't forget
to compliment her hair.