How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 9, Episode 5 - The Poker Game - full transcript

Ooh! Chicago, there is this pizza place
called Gazzola's, it's fantastic.

It was closed for a while, but reopened.

I'm sure they got a Godzilla's in New York.
We're not stopping.
Ripped By mstoll

It's just pizza.

Just pizza?

Let me tell you about
the thing you say is just pizza.

We begin with the first bite.
Oh, the crunch.

And then the marinara, that roiling lava
of tomato and oregano, it overtakes you.

I'm falling.

And that's when she catches you.

That chewy, voluptuous mistress,
mozzarella.

Her oven-kissed cheeks
crackle with warmth in your mouth...

...cradling the sauce and the bread,
letting you know that from now on...

...this is home.

This pizza...

...is home.

If it was so delicious...

...why'd they close it in the first place?
- Rats.

- We're not stopping!
- This road trip sucks!

TED: Barney's bachelor poker game
was winding down. Tim Gunn, out.

Lily, busted.

Marshpillow, fluffed and turned down.

We were playing what we thought
was our final hand, it was getting intense.

Action to Ranjit.

Ranjit, action to you.

What?

Hey, Ted, thanks again for your gift.

He gave us a framed photo
of all of us at the bar.

And he's getting us
two other wedding gifts.

What can I say?
I just love giving wedding gifts.

I love giving wedding gifts so much
I wish I could marry giving wedding gifts...

...and then get myself and
giving wedding gifts a wedding gift.

Maybe saying things like that's
why I'm not married.

TED: Oh, you know what?
I should explain why Lily was angry.

Six years earlier,
a few weeks after their wedding...

... Marshall and Lily
were going through their gifts.

That's weird. Did Ted get us anything?

Come on, Lily, I mean, Ted's our best friend.
If his gift hasn't arrived yet, it's on the way.

TED:
But time passed and no gift arrived.

Finally, Marshall started dropping hints.

Hey, man, it was great
having you at our wedding.

Thanks, bro. And thanks for this coffee.
It is great.

You were not wedding absent. No, sir.

You were wedding present.

Do I detect a note of hazelnut?

[CHUCKLES]

Wedding present.

I think he got it.

TED:
But I didn't get it.

More months passed.
His hints got more desperate.

- Happy Halloween.
- What are you supposed to be?

Well, I'm a wedding present, Ted.

How could you not get me
a wedding present?

I mean, how could you not get
that I am a wedding present?

Get me? A wedding present.

Get me a wedding present.

Why isn't he getting it?

I don't know, why didn't you
get the message...

...to dress up like a pregnant teenager,
home skillet?

TED:
But he kept on waiting.

Until the summer of 2008
when I got engaged.

So Ted's getting married, huh?

Bet he'd love a gift from his old pal
Marshall. Well, he can forget it.

We're getting them a gift.

But Lily, this is the dream. The whole
reason we wanted Ted to get married.

So we could not give him a gift,
he'd know exactly how it feels.

Baby, I'm as pissed as you are,
but we're getting them a gift. We have to.

Fine.

We'll get them a gift.

A gift that'll send a message
loud and clear.

A gift-wrapping station.

Oh, boy, this time he has to get it.

TED: And not long after that,
a package arrived.

Well, well, well, package
from one Mr. Ted Mosby.

It's a little late, but...
What the balls is this?

It's a thank-you note
for the gift-wrapping station.

TED:
Which explains the face.

Wedding gift.

Hey, Barney,
I've got a wedding gift for you too.

Don't get married. Ha, ha!

In fact, it comes in his and hers.
Don't get married.

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Don't get married. Ha, ha.

I'm not cheating. Don't tell anyone.
I'll cut you in on half.

Hey, Barney, can you ask James
to stop crapping all over marriage?

- He's not crapping on marriage.
- He literally drew this on the toilet.

Robin, please don't ask me to pick sides.

In two days
he's gonna be your brother too.

Just be honest and tell him
what's bothering you.

Okay.

- Vroosh!
- Marshall, are you...?

Hey, Andretti, beat it.

Marshall, are you sitting down?

I'm in a car. And you were pretty clear...

...about the No-Teen-Wolfing-Now-That-
I'm-A-Dad rule, so yeah, I'm sitting down.

Ted is getting Barney and Robin
three wedding gifts.

I hate him.
Lily, requesting permission to make a stink.

Stink away.

Hurry up and get it over with.

[PHONE BEEPS]

Oh. That's Marshall. I should take this.

Well, call me Akira Yoshizawa.

World's most famous origamist?

I fold.

Don't worry, it's just a play on words.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Barney. Here's a good one.

What's the difference between
a Journey song and a husband?

A Journey song has a climax. Ha, ha.

I'm sorry, Robin. I'm just messing with you.
Raise a hundred.

No, it's fine. It's just funny
hearing all this anti-marriage stuff...

...from a divorced guy
who still wears his wedding ring.

- What, this?
- Mm.

Only wear it because nothing attracts
a gay guy faster than a wedding ring.

Except saying hi to him.
Or being in the same room.

Or every app on my phone.

People, it is a good time to be gay.

So you could just take that ring off
any time you want?

Any time.

I'm all in and I raise you...

...one ring.

ALL:
Ooh.

Fine. It's just a ring.

Okay, let's see what you got.

Robin has three jacks.
James has just shy of a pair of sixes.

Thank you.

I'm gonna hit the gym.
Let me know if you wanna get dinner.

We'll give you a ring. Just not this one. Ho!

[CHUCKLES]

You, Ted Mosby, never got me
and Lily a wedding gift. J'accuse!

I did too get you a gift.
It was a coffeemaker.

And you never sent me a thank-you note.

Oh.

So me-cuse?

You-cuse.

When I said be honest
and say what's bothering you...

...I meant stuff it, never do anything.
How'd you not get that?

It's fine. He's a grown-up.

[DOOR OPENS]

What did you do to my little boy?

[THUNDER CRASHING]

Hi, Mom.

- You get your brother's ring back.
- Please don't make me take sides.

That's your brother out there. You two
shared bunk beds and baseball mitts...

...and when you were hungry,
these supple breasts...

Arguably a little too long.

Stinsons stand up for each other.

Take care of this.
I'm gonna play some cards.

All right, chumps.

I'm gonna tell you what I told Frampton's
guitar tech when he couldn't find a condom.

Let's gamble.

You gave us a coffeemaker?

Not just a coffeemaker. I asked what
they used at your favorite coffeehouse...

...and got you that exact
one-tier-down model.

And you know what you got me? Huh?

No thank-you note.
So I started dropping hints about it.

Do I detect a note of hazelnut?

Wedding present.

Kind of wanna say thank you
to that note of hazelnut.

Thank you, note.

Ha, ha. Wedding present.

Anyway.

Thank-you note.

Yeah, he got it.

But you never got it.

I drank so much coffee that year
hoping you'd take the hint...

...my resting pulse was like the drum solo
from "Wipe Out."

And then Halloween rolled around.

Get me a wedding present.

On that note,
I think you'll like my costume.

I'm a thank-you note.

- Thank-you note.
- Ah.

I guess you could say
that we sort of go together.

That's right, Marshall.

That's right. When someone gets you a gift,
you give them a thank-you note.

- That is how it works.
- Give a gift, get a note.

- Agreed.
- Exactly.

Exactly.

- Exactly.
- Exactly.

I think he got it.

Yeah. Yeah, he got it.
I have to find the bathroom.

- I didn't get it.
- I thought for sure you'd get it...

...when I sent that note
for the wrapping station.

Dear Marshall and Lily...

... this is a thank-you note
to thank you for the gift-wrapping station.

Because even though the wedding
never happened...

... there's one thing that didn't leave me
at the altar and that's my manners.

I can't believe this.
Eriksens send thank-you notes.

It's the one thing that we always do.

We even have a family saying about it:
"Lick it before you stick it."

"It" being the stamp on the thank-you note
before you stick it in the mailbox.

I will make this right.

I know, right?
We're about to go through a tunnel.

Guys, big dilemma.

My mom's insisting
that I get Robin to give James his ring back.

But Robin's refusing.

But James seems like he's really upset.

But Robin's gonna be my wife.

But James is my brother.

But Robin lets me do sex to her.

But I have to spend eternity
in my mom's mausoleum.

I just wish there was a way
I didn't have to take sides.

What should I do?

Choose your wife.
You always choose your wife. Easy.

Got any other stumpers, like how to answer,
"Does this make me look fat?"

Maybe a little around the hips,
but no more than usual.

You're getting married, I'll deal
with that one after your honeymoon.

TED:
And she did.

Belize was amaz... Aah!

In marriage, being right
is less important than being supportive.

Remember, happy wife equals happy life.

Wow, thanks, that's some great advice, Lil.
I knew I could count on you.

He's gotten very respectful with his fake
listening. Anyway, Lily, I told Marshall this...

...but don't worry about not sending a
thank-you note for the coffeemaker. It's cool.

Uh, we did send a thank-you note
for the coffeemaker.

Uh, no, you didn't.

Uh, yes, we did.

To Stuart and Claudia.

The people who gave us
the coffeemaker.

Uh...

What?

- Hey, you two.
- Hey.

Hey, thanks again for that coffeemaker,
we use it all the time.

Especially when Ted's over.

Yeah, it's a great machine.
We have one at home and we love it.

Did I forget to get you a wedding gift?

What kind of monster am I?
Mosbys always give wedding gifts.

We even have an expression:
"Wrap it before you tap it."

You know, wrap the gift...

...before you tap the person on the shoulder
and say, "Here's your gift."

I will make this right.

Two things. Number one,
are you dropping heat right now?

- No.
- Great.

Number two.

- Nice.
- Thanks.

Anyway, I came up with an amazing plan
that I think will make everyone happy.

Step one, you let my mom
win the ring back in a hand of poker.

Step two...

No, that's all the steps.
What do you think?

So your plan is you do absolutely nothing
to get your fianc?e's back?

Okay, let me propose a different plan.

Step one...

Good game, everybody. Ha, ha.

And that's all the steps.

That's a really pretty bra, Mom.

Well, I'd better leave now
before I lose any more of my dignity.

The likelihood of which is increasing
every moment in this very chilly room.

Not good, Robin. Very not good.
How do you keep winning, anyway?

Well, to the keen observer, all of you
Stinsons have the same very subtle tell.

Whenever you're bluffing,
you say the word "bluff."

Hey, I'm hungry,
should we get some bluffalo wings?

Raise you 20.

When I walked in,
I saw an all-you-can-eat bluffet.

Raise 50.

Mm. I could use a bluffberry muffin.
A blueberry bluffin. Sorry.

A bluebluffy muffbluff. All in.

I don't believe it. Robin, you've got to
give her that blouse back.

She loves that blouse.

She got those sequins from
Rick James' open casket.

Nope. Not happening.

Woman, as your bridegroom,
I command you.

We'll leave and give you guys
some privacy.

You, uh, wanna take back
that "I command you" thing?

Please, can I?

Why is this so important to you?

Because it's my family.

And so help me, you and I will never have
sex again if you don't give back their bluff.

Stuff. Damn it.

Look, I just... I wanna feel like you're
on my side once in a while. That's all.

Look, I'm gonna be your wife,
for God's sakes.

But look,
if it's that important to you, here.

Do what you want.

Thank you.

And please don't play
strip poker with my mom again.

It's all kinds of confusing.

[SIGHS]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Oh. That's where my phone is.

I wasn't eavesdropping. Hey, baby.

Lily, we were wrong the whole time. Ted got
us the coffeemaker. He's a wonderful man.

Wait, no, Claudia and Stuart
gave us our coffeemaker.

Ted's a rat bastard.
Never mention his name again!

Coffeemaker? Ted got that.
I was with him when he bought it.

- I don't know what to feel.
- But Stuart said he got it for us.

Stuart and Claudia checked in.
I saw them in the lobby.

Let's go get to the bottom of this.

Stuart, no BS, did you really get us
that coffeemaker for our wedding?

Of course.

What a crazy thing to ask. They never
give you enough of these things.

Oh, my God, Ted got us that coffeemaker,
and you just played it off as your gift.

- You're a weasel. Admit it.
- No. That's insane.

Really? Housekeeping. Conditioner thief.

Okay, yes, I am a weasel.

I ripped the card off Ted's gift
and I wrote my name on it.

Does Claudia know about this?

No. Please don't tell her.

That gift was a turning point for us.

I gotta admit, I came pretty close
to leaving you.

Bags packed, plane ticket purchased...

...topless pics sent to your brother,
the whole nine.

But seeing that you got our friends
such a nice gift, ugh...

...it just really puts you
in a whole new light.

I'm a pretty great guy.

And since that day,
on the foundation of that coffeemaker...

...we've built a strong,
nurturing relationship.

Well, out of respect for your marriage,
I won't say anything.

Say hi to Claudia
when she gets out of the shower.

That's not Claudia. Good night.

Tap, tap. Look what I wrapped.

What?

So I went to give James his ring back?

Glad you came to your senses.

You can't let being married
keep you from being you.

It's like Tom, always telling me
I spend too much time at the gym.

Is it wrong if you wanna
work out a couple times a week?

Right? Or a couple times a day?

Or a couple times...? A couple times a day?
Really?

A few hours before work,
a few hours after.

Only way to keep up
the chocolate xylophone.

[MIMICKING XYLOPHONE]

Still, that's a lot of time at the gym.

Especially with two kids.

It's like I always said to Tom.

I've gotta stay in shape
in case I'm ever single again.

And, hello, I was right.

Oh, my God.

I think I finally understand what Lily was
mumbling in my peripheral vision earlier.

I'm marrying Robin
so I can be part of a team.

Not just some guy alone at a gym
with admittedly amazing abs.

- Thanks, bro.
- No. Thank you, bro.

You're not getting this ring.

I am always gonna have your back.
No matter what.

Thank you.

- I love you.
- I love you too.

Mm, oh! I didn't tell you the best part.
There's more.

Really?

James, let me spell this out for you.

Now that I've got Robin,
we are not brothers anymore.

- What?
- Ha, ha.

If you and Robin are both ever hanging
from a cliff and I have one hand free?

Enjoy the fall. Bye-bye.

If you... Mom, good,
you should hear this too.

This mother-son thing, it's over.

It's been a nice few decades, but I've got
a wife now, so you mean nothing to me.

Oh, and me coming over
for Thanksgiving and Christmas?

That's done. No more of that.

And you know why?
Because Robin said so.

This came directly from her.

See you, losers.

- Oh, my God.
- Ah?

Fianc? of the year?

- Ha, ha. I think I know what's next.
- Oh, God.

Oh, God, I can't leave this room
for the rest of the weekend.

I'm sure we can find
something to do, eh?

MARSHALL: Ted, I'm so sorry.
- No, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have spent six years passive-
aggressively drinking coffee around you.

I shouldn't have taken that sewing class
to learn to make that present costume.

- I regret all of it.
- Me too.

Except I actually don't regret
that sewing class.

I learned a fun and useful lifetime skill.

But seriously,
even without the coffeemaker...

...you've given us more than enough.

Well, there is one more gift on the way.

Whatever it is, send it back.

It's a little late for that.

- Marshall Eriksen?
- Yes?

I got your pizza.

Ted. You are the best friend ever.

Don't say another word, Marshall.

Save it for the thank-you note.

You got it, buddy.

TED: And kids, I got that thank-you note.
Four months later.

Four months.

Here's your blouse back.

Is there any way we could just, um,
forget about all this?

No, dear, you keep the blouse.

Think of it as your consolation prize.

Consolation prize?

You won the battle...

...but I'll win the war.

Game on, bitch.
Ripped By mstoll