How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 9, Episode 16 - How Your Mother Met Me - full transcript

You're my best friend, Barney.

Good. Then, as your best friend,

I suggest we play a game
I like to call

Have You Met Ted?

What? Oh, my God.

I'm so stupid.

Stay there. I'm on my way.

♪ Say, man

♪ Don't walk ahead
of that woman ♪

♪ Like she don't belong to you ♪

♪ Just 'cause her
got them little skinny legs ♪

♪ You know that ain't
no way to do ♪

♪ You didn't act like that
when you had it home ♪

♪ Behind closed doors

♪ All right

♪ Now you act like
you're ashamed at a woman ♪

♪ Don't even want
nobody to know she's yours ♪

♪ But that's all right ♪

♪ You just walk on, baby

Excuse me. Pardon me.

♪ Because there's some man
somewhere who'll take you ♪

♪ Baby, skinny legs and all

I am so, so sorry.

I went to the one
on the West Side.

I was beginning to think
that you'd forgotten about me.

(laughs)

♪ How I Met Your Mother 9x16 ♪
How Your Mother Met Me
Original Air Date on January 27, 2014

NARRATOR: Kids, the night your Aunt Lily
and Uncle Marshall got engaged,

the night I met Aunt Robin,
was the night of your mom's

21st birthday.
Happy birthday.

W-Where's Max?
He couldn't get a cab.

Which is code for
"waited until the last minute

to get me a birthday gift."

Although...

he always nails it.

Two years ago,
he got me an exact replica

of the Pee-wee's
Big Adventure bike.

And last year, he got me
a one-man band suit

including knee cymbals.

And these are things you want?

No, these are things I need.

(phone rings)
Oh, that's Max.

Uh... I got to take this.

Okay.

Okay, you're officially
super late now...

Yes, this is she.

♪

♪

WOMAN:
Okay, this is ridiculous.

You've been sitting
around for two years.

It's time to get
back out there.

I have not been sitting around.
I have been hard at work.

I think I'm about to enter my

"Robots Doing Track
and Field Events" period.

It's a very exciting time.

(door closes)

Sweetie.

I love you.

And I can't imagine
what it was like

going through what
you went through.

But these are your 20s.

It's St. Patrick's Day.

The holiday of my people.

You're not Irish.
Binge drinkers.

Now, let's go.

No, please don't
make me go out there.

It's gonna rain.

Bring your umbrella.

(sighs)

(dance music plays)

How is the bathroom line
this long and yet the floor

is covered with urine?
If there's urine out here,

what in God's name
is going on in there?

Screw this, we're holding it.
Let's go dance.

No, thanks.

This is what
I'm talking about.

The love of your life
could be on that dance floor,

waiting for you
to bump into him.

If you're not there, he's just
gonna bump into someone else.

Somehow I doubt it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, that's okay.

I'm going in.

Wait, is that...

Mitch.

No way.
Hi.

What are you doing
in New York?

I live here.
What?

Uh, this is my
friend, Kelly.

Hey.
Hi.

Mitch was my instructor
at orchestra camp.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
KELLY: Orchestra camp.

It's not as lame
as it sounds.

We also did physics, so...
Right.

So, Mitch, what are you
up to these days?

I'm still teaching orchestra.

I'm at this public school
up in the Bronx.

It's totally underfunded,

a lot of the kids
can't afford instruments,

but I really...
Take my cello.

What?
Yeah.

Oh, yeah, you
gotta take it.

I haven't played
it in years.

It's just sitting
in my closet.

Give it to
one of the kids!

Wow, are you sure?

Do you want to come
and get it right now?

Um... okay.

Okay, great. Let's go.
(laughing)

Okay, yes, you're doing
something nice.

But you're still
bailing on me.

So I guess, karmically...
it evens out?

I'm just worried
about you.

Don't be.

Have fun.

And who knows?

Maybe you'll bump
into someone tonight.

Oh...

(exhales)

Girl, I will
sham-rock your world.

(laughing):
Okay...

I'll...

We'll...

Okay.

THE MOTHER:
Okay, here it is.

I haven't played this

since the popular girls
locked me inside the case.

Although it was roomier
than when I played the violin...

(gasps)
What are you doing?!

I don't know.

What am I doing?

I don't know!
What are you doing?!

This is my thing...

It most certainly
is your thing.

Now, please cover your thing up.

Sorry.

I-I meant...

this move.

It's my thing.

I call it "The Naked Man."

A few weeks ago,

I was on a date,
and it worked.

And then I was on another date
and it worked again,

so I figured it would work
all the time.

Well, now you know
it doesn't work all the time.

Yeah.

Although two out of three...

Is this what it's gonna be like?

Being single in New York?

Even the nice guys turn out
to be total creeps?

I have gotten pretty creepy
since I moved here.

I feel so lost right now.

I don't even know
what I'm doing with my life.

Can I tell you
an embarrassing story?

Is it this one?

Taking place right now?

I felt lost

for a long time, too.

I was living in
my parents' basement.

Playing video games, mastur...

ing those games,

until

I finally woke up

and realized I wanted
to follow my dream

of teaching music.

Let me save you a few years.

Even if it sound
completely crazy...

what is it you want
to do with your life?

I want to end poverty.

Great.

Then every decision you make
from here on out

should be in service of that.

Wow.

Thanks.

You know,
for a minute there,

I totally forgot
you were naked.

(laughs)

In a way...

aren't we all naked?

Yeah, but your balls
are on my couch.

Hug?
I will take a rain check.

It's raining now.
(gasps)

Oh, my umbrella!
Oh! Uh...

I will be
right back.

Um...
long story.

(door closes)

Nothing happened,
I swear.

Then why are you naked?

Oh, what the hell?

THE MOTHER: When I got to the club,
it had already closed.

By the next day,
some super inconsiderate

person had taken my umbrella.

But by that point,
I didn't care.

I knew that if I really wanted
to end poverty,

I had to get a degree
in economics.

So...

to answer your question,

that's how I got here.

I meant, how did you get here
from the subway station?

Oh.

But I'm only asking
'cause I just moved to town.

I don't even have
a place to live yet.

Yeah, you do.

Come live with me.

My roommate just moved out.

Are you sure?

You just met me.

I could be a serial killer.

I like to believe in people.

Plus, what are the chances
that we're both serial killers?

(laughs)

Just promise me there won't be

any naked men
in the living room.

Not a problem.

I'm on permanent hiatus
in the love department.

Really?

I find that hard to believe.

I guess I'm
old-fashioned.

I believe that each of us
only gets one.

And I got mine already.

Well, if you ask me,

you know what comes
after the one?

The next one.

(laughing):
Oh, yeah.

Well, I don't really
see that happening

any time soon.

Hi.

Is this room seven?

And so, if you must bring food
to this class,

please bring enough
for everyone.

I don't want to see someone

eating, say, lobster,
in the front row

without sharing
with the rest of of us.

Because that...

would be shellfish.

(laughs)

Come on,
that was funny.

Anyway... (clears throat)
...this is Architecture 101.

Architecture 101?

Oh, no, I'm in the wrong class!
I have to go!

Oh, sorry.

Um...

Oh, God.

Wait, I was in the right class.

First day as a professor,
wrong classroom, coming through!

TED:
You play bass?

Seriously,
ask my friends.

I always say

my ideal woman...

...does not play bass,

because this is clearly
your roommate's.

She's in a band.

Damn, that's cool.

This is unbelievable.

You just picked out
the only three things in here

that are my roommate's.

So does your roommate's band
ever play shows or...

Get out.
All right.

Okay, this is crazy.

Do you know where this
umbrella came from?

Because I could've
sworn that I...

What's wrong?

Are you okay?

We broke up.

Oh... well,
I never liked him,

and I never thought
he deserved you, and...

I am sorry, I didn't know
you were dating someone.

Who was this?

He was the architecture
professor.

The one who taught
Econ 305 by accident.

Oh.

That guy?

Why did you break up?

He's got a thing for you.

What?

Yeah, what?

He's... what?

How... um, how could
he have a thing for me?

He's never even met me.

He didn't have to.

Everything he saw of yours,
he went crazy for.

You should've brought
him to my room.

Okay? He would've
run screaming

once he saw my
calligraphy set,

my coin collection,

my chain-mail corset
from the Renaissance Faire.

Well, that's pretty cool.

Come on.

How could he not
be in love with you?

The way you
fall asleep on the couch

when you're doing the crossword.

When did he see me
fall asleep on...

The way your hair smells.

The way your eyes sparkle.

I might have some stuff
to figure out.

You might.
I'm so sorry!

No, uh, it's okay.

It was nice.

I haven't been kissed
in a really long time.

Not long after that,
she met a nice girl

and they fell in love,

so it's a happy ending--
for Cindy anyway.

I, however, am left
without a roommate,

so here we are.

(chuckles)

I have a confession.

Uh, I don't need
a place to live.

I saw your ad for the
roommate, and I just...

I-I really wanted to meet you.

I-I'm a huge fan of your
band SuperFreakonomics.

Oh, my gosh, really?

Really, come
I to all your shows,

and I'm not just saying this--
I think you guys are

the best economic-themed band
in the entire city.

Even better
than Radiohedge Fund?

Oh, absolutely.

I wish I had the guts
to do what you do.

I love to sing, but...

You know what?

Next time we do a show, you have
got to come up onstage with us

and sing a song.

Oh, no, I couldn't.
Mm-hmm.

No, I'm, I'm, I'm too shy.

♪ But maybe just one song!

♪ Yeah!

I mean, I don't like to think
of SuperFreakonomics as my band.

I think of it as my canvas

upon which I paint
my masterpieces.

(laughs)

And that right there is
why I don't play bass.

(laughter)

Can I help you
with that?

Uh, wow, thanks, Superman.

No problem.

It's either help you

or stop a train
from going off a cliff,

and you're much cuter.

(chuckles)

Can I buy you a drink?

Oh, no, sorry, I'm 16.

Oh, wow, sorry.

Have a good night.

Wait, you believe that?

I like you.

Uh, sure,
you can buy me a drink.

MacLaren's.

The last time I was here,

I thought this place
was called Puzzles.

That's an odd name.

Why would you call a bar
Puzzles?

Unless that's the puzzle.

Well, um,

thank you for the drink.

Uh, so, do you want
to get dinner sometime?

Um...

Louis, you're really nice,
but...

I was in love with somebody
a long time ago,

and he died.

Oh, I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry.

Uh, it's silly, but...

it's like the first lottery
ticket I ever bought was...

kaboom, jackpot, and I'm pretty
sure I'm not going to win again,

not like that anyway,

so I don't generally buy
lottery tickets anymore.

I understand.

So I should... go.

Well, if you
change your mind...

...give me a call.

Okay.

Okay, now we're even!

What?!
What?!

So we got dinner.
And?

He's... nice.

Nice? He sounds amazing!

Handsome, good dresser,
paid for dinner.

What more do you want?

Do you know how rough
it is out there?

I once met a guy claiming
to be a genie

whose penis grants wishes.

Oh, my God,
who would even fall for that?

The point is,
Louis sounds great.

NARRATOR: And that's how your mom
started dating Louis.

And for a couple years,
it was fun.

THE MOTHER:
♪ One tasty English muffin

♪ Baby, that is what I am

♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da

♪ One tasty English muffin

♪ With some raspberry jam.

That's funny.
(chuckles)

NARRATOR:
It just wasn't love.

But then fate intervened.

Anyway, you guys wouldn't, uh,
happen to know of any

good wedding bands available
at the last minute, would you?

Hi. One ticket
to Farhampton, please.

NARRATOR: Now, Louis had a beach house
out in Farhampton,

so he let your mother
stay there.

The day before the wedding,
as she was taking

some cookies out of the oven,
she got an e-mail.

(gasps)
What the damn hell?!

"Bass player wanted,"
that is what the ad said.

Can you believe that?

After I'm the one who invited
Darren into the band.

What am I gonna do?

You need to steal
this douche monkey's van.

Then run my husband over
with it.

Well, that's very tempting.

I've never really been
the type of person to...

"Must be hotter
than the girl we have now,

who, in my opinion,
is a six at best"?

Aw, geez, what is this
knucklehead doing?

Excuse me! Hey!

You guys need a lift?

DARREN:
The best man just punched me

in the face for no reason.

You know what? I quit.

You can have
your stupid band back.

Linus, whoever that best man is,

I would like to buy him
a double of your finest scotch.

Louis!

Will you marry me?

Can you give me a minute?
Um... okay.

There's someone
that I need to talk to.

I'll-I'll be right back.

(breathes heavily)

Hi, Max. It's me.

Sorry to interrupt.

I know you're probably up there
playing baseball with your dad.

Um, look, I-I've got
a situation here.

I think that I have been
holding myself back

from falling in love again.

(voice breaks): And I think it's because
I can't let you go.

But you're not here anymore...

so I have to ask this:

Would it be okay
if I moved on?

I realize that you have no way
of answering that,

but, um...

Oh, okay... (laughs)

I will take that as yes.

Um, in that case,
I should get back in there.

(voice breaks):
I guess this is it.

For real this time.

Bye, Max. (sniffles)

(sighs, sniffles)

So?

My answer is...

no.

(sighs)

(sobs)

DESK CLERK:
You're in luck.

Mother of the bride
never checked in.

How many keys
will you be needing?

Just one.

Yeah.
I just...

I broke up with someone.

I think room number six
is the room for you.

Thank you.

(plays soft chord)

(plays soft ballad)

♪ Hold me close
and hold me fast ♪

♪ This magic spell you cast

♪ This is la vie en rose

♪ When you kiss me,
Heaven sighs ♪

♪ And though I close my eyes

♪ I see la vie en rose

♪ When you press me
to your heart ♪

♪ I'm in a world apart ♪

♪ A world where roses bloom

♪ And when you speak,
angels sing from above ♪

♪ Everyday words

♪ Seem to turn into love songs

♪ Give your heart and soul
to me ♪

♪ And life will always be

♪ La vie en rose.

(plays ending chord)

NARRATOR: Kids, I must have heard
your mom's rendition

of "La Vie en Rose"
a million times over the years.

Every night when she tucked
you in, for instance.

But that performance,

that first night
I ever heard her sing,

that one will always be
my favorite.

Wow.

Barney, I was just out there
on the patio...

and there's someone
in the room next to us.

I didn't see her, but...

Well, she was playing
the ukulele...

Barney?