How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 9, Episode 17 - Sunrise - full transcript

MAN: Well, that
party was a dud.

MAN 2: I think I struck
out with, like, 20 girls.

And... my condom expired.

We are losers!

- We've tried everything.
- (sighs)

We're covered in Drakkar, I've
got fresh new white socks,

and I thought our mime work
in there was excellent!

What?

Um, are we in a zombie
movie right now?

(hiccups)

(scoffs)

(sniffing)

Boys...

today is your lucky day.

Because today...

I'm gonna teach you how to...

(vomiting)

...live.

Who's got gum?

♪ How I Met Your Mother 9x17 ♪
Sunrise
Original Air Date on February 3, 2014

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

NARRATOR: Kids, for a brief
period when I was seven,

my best friend was a balloon.

It was the classic story:

boy meets balloon, boy and
balloon become friends,

boy loses balloon when Mom sets
out hot dogs in the backyard.

No!

NARRATOR: Decades later, boy's
new best friend finds out

about the whole thing and
never lets him live it down.

I hate you so much.

NARRATOR: The whole thing
taught me a lesson.

If you love something,
you can never let it go,

not even for a second,
or it's gone forever.

Well, at least I still
got my hot dogs.

No!

NARRATOR: It was a lesson that took
me nearly 30 years to unlearn.

Where could Barney be?

Oh, relax. He always
finds his way home.

St. Patrick's Day, 2008.

He did not find his
way home that night.

That Dumpster was a block
from his apartment.

- I call that a win.
- (laughs)

Also, that isn't the filthiest
trash he's ever slept with.

Ho! My future
husband, folks!

(both laughing)

Or maybe he bailed
on the wedding.

Oh, come on. Don't
even think like that.

Well, he's terrified
of commitment--

although, ironically,
loves being tied down...

Look, as the run-offee at
my own almost-wedding,

I can tell you you are fine.

- Barney is no Stella.
- Mmm.

Hey, have you talked
to her in a while?

- Stella?
- Yeah.

The woman who broke my heart

and embarrassed me in front of
all my friends and loved ones?

(laughing):
Uh... no.

NARRATOR: That was a lie.
A few days earlier,

I had talked to
Stella on the phone.

Because, as you may recall, I'm
kind of the wedding gift master.

Okay, I'm gonna stop you.

Do you not hear how
weird this all sounds?

What part of this is weird?

You're going to your
ex-girlfriend's wedding.

- It's not weird at all.
- Where you'll be the best man...

Utterly not weird.

And now, less than
a week before the wedding,

you're calling the woman
who left you at the altar

and moved three time zones
away on the razor-thin chance

that I somehow ended up with
her grandmother's locket?

You know what's weird, Stella?

Not seeing Star Wars
until you're 30.

You're trying to
blow up the wedding.

You called C-3PO
"the Tin Man."

- He is made of tin!
- It's Tatooine scrap metal!

This is not an argument
you are gonna win.

Now, do you have
the locket or not?

Look, I might have it somewhere in one
of my old boxes in our storage locker,

but even if I did, I cannot get out
there this week. I'm totally swamped.

One ticket to Los
Angeles, please.

MARSHALL: So the reason someone can't
come up to fix the air conditioning is

that the ghost of
Captain Dearduff,

who haunts this room,
likes it muggy?

That's correct. Although,
now that I say it out loud,

it does sound kind of ridiculous, because
there's no such thing as ghosts.

Right?

You have outflanked
me, Front Desk Guy!

Victory is yours!

NARRATOR: The truth is, there
was a ghost in that room.

You see, minutes earlier,

Marshall had been in the middle of
the worst fight of his marriage,

when all of sudden,
Lily stormed out.

Damn it, Lily.
This is so unfair.

I know! Storming out in the
middle of an argument?

So childish!

Thank you, Ghost Lily.

I'm glad at least you
see it that way.

Although, let's be honest,
I did you a favor.

You were gonna lose.

I... what?

I was gonna lose? Uh, check your
spectral scorecard, Ghost Lily.

I had you on the ropes.
That's why you ran out.

I ran out because you
brought up San Francisco.

- It was a valid point.
- It's ancient history.

If you're mad at anyone,
you're mad at 2006 Lily.

Well, I can't very well have
an argument with 2006...

(à la Borat):
Is nice!

(normal voice):
Do people still say that?

I'm sorry, how exactly are you
gonna teach us how to live?

The journey to awesome
starts with a single...

Actually, lots of singles.
We're going to a strip club.

- (laughs)
- Strip club?

We're in the middle
of nowhere.

There is always a strip club.

Hey, are you a little worried
this guy might kill us?

We just put a down payment
on adult bunk beds.

Would getting killed
really be so bad?

Good point. I got a weird feeling. I
mean, there's something off about...

Whoa!

BARNEY: Question: why does this
sign say "gentlemen's club"?

Answer: because The Crab Shed
is a place for gentlemen.

A gentleman tips generously.

A gentleman uses the complimentary
bathroom cologne...

(whispering):
...but not too much.

Oh. This is important.

Your instinct may be to
avoid the free buffet.

Your instinct is wrong.

Don't sleep on the
meatballs, gentlemen.

They are exquisite!

Come on!

You know, I liked Stella.

Even though she broke your heart,
I'd still put her in your top five.

Which are...?

- All right, number five, Stella.
- Mm-hmm.

Number four, Zoey.

- Number three, uh, the
Slutty Pumpkin. - Ah.

Number two, Marshall, that time
you guys pretended to be a couple

when Barney was trying
to sell the apartment.

(both laugh)

And number one, Victoria.

- Well, you've given this some
thought. - Well, we all have.

There's kind of a running
e-mail chain about it.

But the pastry chef was
the best. No question.

I do miss her sticky buns.

Uh, euphemism?

- Nope.
- (laughs)

Can I be honest?

Um, it was kind of crazy how
all of sudden it was just...

over between you
and Victoria.

I mean...

you guys were seven
years in the making.

She left her fiancé
for you. What...

why would you break up?

What happened?

(clears throat)

We, um...

we broke up because of you.

Oh, my God, this is amazing!

I ruined my pants, but
it's totally worth it!

Best meatballs ever!

- Mmm! - I'm gonna ask
a serious question right now.

Can a person live
in a strip club?

Yes.

For the next few years, your
strip club will be like home.

Then, one day,
you'll date a stripper

and almost marry
her, and after that,

you'll realize you're
done with strip clubs.

In the sense that you'll dial it
back to, like, once a week.

- I feel like I can talk to
women now. - Yeah.

You just stick a dollar bill in your
mouth, and the conversation starts itself.

You know, I think we're ready to go back
to that party and meet some ladies.

(laughs) Yeah!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

You! Are! Not! Ready!

Your training is complete when I
say your training is complete!

Come on, let's go.

You-you broke up with
Victoria because of me?

She didn't want us to be friends
anymore, so I had to let her go.

Ted...

I just...

Wow, I...

And-and you haven't
talked to her since?

Haven't talked to her since.

NARRATOR:
Also a lie.

Unbelievable.

And I assume this is all in
the hopes that Robin'll ditch

her own wedding and
run off with you?

What? No.

- I would never. - You would never run
off with a girl on the day of her wedding?

Ri...

- Okay, that's a fair point.
- I'm not done.

...Ight.

So, do you have it?

I'm looking at it right now.

What? Oh, uh... stay there.
I'm-I'm on my way.

I'm in Germany.

Danke schon!

I see.

Look, if it means
that much to you,

as soon as I'm done here at the
bakery, I'll overnight it.

It'll be there in 24 hours.

(exhales)

Thank you.

So this bakery,
what kind of, uh...

You want me to send you some
chocolate truffle streuselkuchen?

Yes, please, you're
the best, thank you.

NARRATOR:
But then, 24 hours later...

disaster.

MAN:
I'm sorry, Mr. Mosby.

It says here your package
was delivered earlier today.

- Your wife signed for it.
- My... what?

I... I don't have a wife.

So, then, who's
Jeanette Mosby?

Oh, you're kidding me.

Oh, my gosh, 2013 me!

So many questions!

How many MySpace
friends do I have now?

Has James Blunt put
out the steady stream

of number one hits we
all expect from him?

And why are we in
this hotel room?

We're here for
Barney's wedding.

Barney's wedding? Oh, God.

What desperate ho-bag is handcuffing
herself to that time bomb?

My dad did a real
number on me.

Okay, uh... Ghost Lily,
seven-years-ago Ghost Lily,

can we get on with this
so I can win the argument

and we can move on to my
regularly scheduled fantasy

of you two making out
with each other?

- Sure. - Just so you know,
I really like it when...

I know. I'm you.

And I don't like
that anymore.

MARSHALL: Okay, yes,
seven-years-ago Lily,

maybe I am wrong for still
being mad at you about

San Francisco and
our breakup.

But the truth is,
when you left me,

that was the saddest I've
ever been in my life.

Really?

The saddest you've ever
been in your life?

Saddest I've ever
been in my life.

I mean, I am
sitting right here.

Look, Dad, yes, obviously,
losing you was way worse, but

I'm trying to make a
bigger point here.

And what point is that?

Because she hurt you once,
you now get to hurt her?

It's not how it works
in a marriage.

ALL:
Ooh...

You're totally gonna lose.

I can't believe you're
open at this hour.

I'm always open
for my friends.

What are we doing here?

We should go back
to the party.

In relaxed-fit
domestic denim?

I'm sorry, is this a costume
party, and you're going as 1994?

Would you be a peach
and bump this, please?

Who cares about any of this?
They're just clothes.

Just clothes? Ted--

sorry, force of habit--
boys, suits are cool.

Exhibit A.

I don't care how
well-dressed I am.

The real challenge is walking up to
a girl that I've never met before

and somehow talking to her
with words from my mouth.

I've looked at it from every possible
angle. There's just no way to do it.

(both chuckle)

What's your name?

Justin.

Have you met Justin?

Uh, no. Hi, I'm Julie.

So simple, so elegant.

- Hmm.
- That's it?

You just walk up to someone you don't
know and introduce them to your buddy?

- I don't know. That sounds kind of...
- Have you met Kyle?

Hi, Kyle.

Are you Jesus?!

I would have understood,

you know?

I mean, if you told me that we
couldn't be friends anymore,

I-I wouldn't have liked it, but
I, God, I would have understood.

I could never do that.

Why not?

Ted,

okay, I insist that
you tell me why not.

No way.

Answer the question.
It's... it's for the bride.

I'm not gonna answer
the question,

because you know the answer.

You want to talk about my top five?
There's no top five, Robin!

There's just a top
one, and it's you.

And the only reason I'm saying
any of this is 'cause

I know that it's not
gonna change anything.

You and Barney are
getting married today.

If I have to hold the shotgun
myself, it's happening.

I thought you
don't like guns.

I'm the best man.

I swore on the Bro Code.

I don't want to
go to Bro Hell.

Bro Hell sounds bad.

I'm sure Barney's got a
whole thing about Bro Hell.

But what about when we...

get back from
our honeymoon?

What about our first night out
at the bar? But what then?

I mean, is it gonna be weird?

No.

How can you be so sure?

Because I'm not
gonna be there.

I'm moving to Chicago.

- You're moving to Chicago?
- That's right.

- I'm gonna work for Hammond Druthers.
- The penis-building guy?

They're not all
penis buildings.

They just designed this clamshell
amphitheater for the St. Louis Symphony.

That one, it doesn't look
like a penis, anyway.

I can't believe you're
leaving New York.

Wait, is this be-- is
this because of me?

No, it's not because of you.

Well, maybe at first
it was, but...

(sighs)

(grunts)

It's been a really long week.

Some stuff has
happened and...

it's just made me feel like
it's, it's time to move on.

Yes, good things happened
to me in New York, but

bad things happened, too.

Like your top five
worst relationships?

Okay, come on.

Let me hear it.

- Number five, Blah Blah.
- Mm-hmm.

Number four,
boats, boats, boats.

- Number three, Karen.
- Mm.

Number two, uh, Zoey.
She made both lists.

Number one, by a
landslide, Jeanette.

- Jeanette, of course. - By the way,
have you talked to Jeanette lately?

- I haven't talked to her.
- NARRATOR: Liar.

So I was at your apartment
stealing your mail,

and apparently there's
some chick named Victoria

sending you jewelry
from Germany?

Somebody owes somebody
an explanation.

Jeanette, that locket is a
wedding gift for Robin.

Robin?! Oh, God, this again?

That I'm giving to
her as a friend

because I'm kind of the
wedding gift master!

Now bring it back
to me right now!

Fine. Meet me at the Bow Bridge
in Central Park in one hour.

And by the way, I
want Kenny back.

- Who's Kenny?!
- My pet tarantula.

(gasps)

By the way, I love your hair.

- I love your hair!
- Imaginary women, right?

I need everyone to
just be quiet, please.

Look, I know that I could have
handled all of this better.

But setting aside the fact that
all of our friends are here

and that we don't
speak Italian,

if we stay in New York, we
both get to follow our dreams.

Are we really gonna go someplace where
only one of us gets to do that?

- Of course not.
- Well, then how can you...?

Wait-- what?

We're not moving to Italy.

We have a baby. It makes sense
to stay here. Even I know that.

You do?

So...

I win?

Well, then, ho, hey, ho.

In your ethereal
face, Ghost Lily.

Oh, yeah, the
Convincer right here!

- She thought I was gonna lose.
- You are gonna lose.

You're gonna lose this.

If you keep lying to me, if you
keep cutting me out of decisions,

if you keep using words
like "winning" and "losing"

when you talk about
our marriage.

It's not like it'll
happen all at once,

but if you keep acting this
way, little by little,

you're gonna lose me.

Is that what you want?

No, of course not.
You're not my enemy.

You're my wife.

(à la Borat):
My wife!

(normal voice): Right?
No. Sorr... sorry.

We should probably head back.

Do you want to watch
the sun come up?

Sure.

JEANETTE: Thanks for
meeting me here.

I'm heading over to the East
Side to stuff a dead squirrel

into a different ex-boyfriend's
mailbox, so, you know, this made sense.

Of course.

So, can I have the locket?

- No.
- What? Jeanette...

Ted, listen to me.
You're being crazy.

- I'm being crazy?!
- Yes!

How long have you been
hung up on Robin?

Eight years?!

And you're still killing yourself to fetch
dumb little trinkets for her. That's crazy!

That's more than crazy. I don't think
there's a word for what that is!

Actually, there is a word
for that. It's "love."

I'm in love with her, okay?

If you're looking for the word
that means caring about someone

beyond all rationality
and wanting them to have

everything they want, no matter how
much it destroys you, it's love!

And when you love
someone, you just, you...

you don't stop, ever.

Even when people roll their
eyes or call you crazy.

Even then. Especially then!

You just-- you don't give up!
Because if I could give up...

if I could just, you know,
take the whole world's advice

and-and move on and find someone
else, that wouldn't be love.

That would be...

that would be some other
disposable thing

that is not worth
fighting for.

But I-- that is
not what this is.

So, please, can I
have the locket?

Cuckoo.

I think we should
get back together.

ROBIN:
And... new day.

Yep,

new day.

♪ Close your eyes... ♪

Okay, you need to get at
least a little sleep.

♪ Do you feel my heart beating? ♪

♪ Do you understand? ♪

♪ Do you feel the same? ♪

BARNEY (slurring):
A few final thoughts.

Don't get married
until you're 30.

Play laser tag once a week.

Give at least as many
high fives as you get.

Teacup pigs are lady magnets,

but very hard to care for.
Not worth the effort.

The same goes for
dogs and babies.

And most importantly,

whatever you do in this life,

it's not legendary

unless your friends
are there to see it.

Good luck, boys.

Take care of the game for me.

We will.

Did you ever get his name?

No. What'd he give you?

I don't know,

but I think it's important.

♪ I don't want to
lose this feeling ♪

Lil-Lily...

I love you. And I'm so sorry.

It doesn't matter where we live.
I just want us to be...

We're staying in New York.

- What? No.
- Yes.

It just makes sense.

I've missed you so much.

♪ Am I only dreaming? ♪

- I have to let go now.
♪ Is this burning ♪

- I know you do.
♪ An eternal flame? ♪

♪ Close your eyes, give
me your hand, darling ♪

♪ Do you feel my heart beating? ♪

♪ Do you understand? ♪

♪ Do you feel the same? ♪

♪ Am I only dreaming? ♪

When we went out
on our first date,

at the end of the night, did
you want me to kiss you?

- Yeah, I did.
- Damn it!

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther