How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 8, Episode 1 - Farhampton - full transcript

Well!

You look like you're coming from a wedding.

- Was it a nice one?
- Uh, it's a long story.

And I don't mean to be rude, but I really
don't feel like talking about it.

It all started when
the bride asked to see me.

Wow.

Okay, don't sugarcoat it, Mosby.

Just give it to me straight, okay?

How bad is Barney freaking out right now?

Oh, he's fine.

Oh, I'm serious. He's totally fine.

I have a better tie at home.

It's cornflower blue. It's cornflower blue!

You may rest assured, Barney Stinson...

is absolutely,
100% going through with this wedding.

Okay.

Good news.

Um, just one small issue.

Uh, I can't go through with this wedding.

Okay, calm down.

Everyone feels this way
on their wedding day.

- It'll pass.
- No. It's more than that.

I am having a serious crisis.

I wonder if it would be hard
to climb out that window.

Climbing out's easy.

Climbing in's the real challenge.

Oh, right.

- It's the same window, isn't it?
- Yeah.

That story transpired in May of 2012.

As you may recall...

Lily and Marshall were gloriously happy...

having just welcomed your cousin, Marvin.

While Barney and Quinn were gloriously
happy, having just gotten engaged.

A nd Robin? Well-

Oh! Got it.

Man, that sumbitch had been
in there since breakfast!

Robin-1. Poppy seed-zero.

Heck, this calls for some champagne.

I think there's some in the fridge.

We'll get it. We're totally not
gonna have sex in the kitchen...

- if that's what you're thinking.
- Aw, we're not?

No, no, we are.
I already took off your bra.

Oh!

Hey, are you guys sure
you can handle champagne?

You haven't slept in, like, a week.
We should just call it a night.

Oh, I see what this is about.

You feel weird because Barney's engaged.

What? No, of course not.

And I will tell you why it's not weird.

- What's not weird?
- The fact that Barney's engaged.

- Barney's engaged?
- Heck, this calls for some champagne.

I think there's some in the fridge.

Oh, my God.
Why don't you both just admit it?

You're deliriously exhausted.

- We're fine.
- Really?

We're not gonna be the kind of people...

who have a baby and become total zombies.

Yes, Robin.
We're not gonna be the kind of people...

who have a zombie and become total babies.

Okay, well, what I was saying is-

Do you understand?

- Yes! God, yes.
- You are preaching to the choir, sister.

- Whew!
- Hey.

So, I am thinking about my bridal party.

And, uh, I don't have a lot of girlfriends.

- Mmm.
- I have work friends...

but I worked at a strip club, and I know...

they'll just complain about
any bridesmaid's dress that has a front.

So, would you guys be my bridesmaids?

- I'd be honored. - Yes.
- Of course.

Not you, Marshall.

- But, yay. Thank you.
- Oh.

- Great. Oh, thank you.
- Oh, my gosh.

It's gonna be so much fun.

Yeah, now it's weird.

What's weird?

Me being Quinn's bridesmaid.

Oh, I wouldn't worry about that, sweetie.
She probably won't even ask you.

She just did. And we both said yes.

Heck, this calls for some champagne.

I think there's some in the fridge.

Mean while, I was also gloriously happy...

driving off into the sunset
with Victoria...

who left her fiancé, Klaus,
at the altar for me.

There was just one problem.

I wonder if Klaus found your note yet.

- My note?
- Yeah.

You know,
the "I'm leaving you at the altar" note.

Is that a thing?

When you leave someone at the altar,
you always leave a note.

It's common courtesy.

I think common courtesy
went out the window when I did.

Look, when Stella left me at the altar,
at least I got an explanation.

I mean, that note is what keeps you sane.

You read it. You reread it.

You memorize it. You sleep with it.

You sniff it because it still
kind of smells like her.

And then finally, you let it go-

tied to a brick right through
her perfect little suburban bay window.

- I'll just text him.
- You're leaving a note.

So Barney and I have already disagreed
on a few of the wedding details.

I wanna go with a buffet...

and he wants to ride down
the aisle on a grizzly bear.

He'll be wearing a tux.

Fine. Fine. I'll settle for a panda bear.

But you have to call my tailor.
He'll be furious about this switch.

Hey, Barney, uh, we've gotta talk.

Um, Quinn just asked me to be one
of her bridesmaids.

Isn't she even a little weirded out
that you and I used to date?

Quinn doesn't have
a jealous bone in her body.

She rolls with the punches.

- She-
- Doesn't have a clue.

No, she does not.

Okay.

Okay.

"Klaus, there is no easy way to tell you
why I won't be marrying you today.

Have a great summer. Victoria."

That's it?

No. No, we gotta do this right.

Well, you can't write it.

One look, it's gonna be obvious
it's a guy's handwri-

Oh, no. We're good.

Okay, fine. You write. I'll advise.

Klaus-

Just "Klaus"?

Come on, give it some heart. The poor guy.

Dear, sweet Klaus-

"Sweet"? Are you still
in love with this jerk?

I'm doing this on my own.

I'm sorry. I just-

You know, I feel bad for the guy.

I'm stealing the greatest girl
in the world away from him.

You're not stealing me.

I'm choosing you.

Because you are loving...

and you are caring...

and you are going to go deliver this note.

Wait. You want me to go in there?

It took everything I had to climb out
that church window today, and...

if I have to go back in there...

I'm not sure I can do it again.

It has to smell like you.

So Quinn has no idea that we used to date?

None whatsoever.

Okay, Barney, think this through.

Do you really want to spend
the rest of your life with Quinn-

- Oh, God, you have a point.
- Haven't gotten to it yet.

Of course. Continue.

Do you really want to spend
the rest of your life with Quinn...

and keep this secret?

I mean, she's gonna find out.

Quinn's never gonna find out, because I've
destroyed every piece of evidence...

that you and I were ever a couple.

That's ridiculous.

You couldn't have gotten rid of all of it.

You replaced me with a tiger.

I couldn't completely get you out of that one.
Had to get creative.

Well, I'm glad...

that deleting our entire time together
was so easy for you...

but I guarantee you,
Quinn is gonna find out eventually.

No, she won't.
I just need your help. Yours too.

I know you guys are out of it, but you have
to promise not to tell Quinn, okay?

Tell Quinn what?

- Exactly.
- No, she's really asking.

Tell Quinn what?

Ooh.

- Can't climb the drainpipe.
- What?

When I was in fourth grade,
I couldn't climb the rope in gym class...

and all the other kids made fun of me
even though it wasn't my fault.

I had to go after Efthimios Papajapoulos.

The rope was slick with lamb grease!

Okay, so just walk in the front door
and act like you belong.

Here. Here's the key to the dressing room.

- Can I help you?
- Hi.

I'm the church handyman.

I'm here to fix the... broken thing.
It's busted.

The bride is taking a schnooze.

She asked me to stand watch
so that no one disturbs her.

- I'll be quick.
- You will be dead.

I used to wrestle in Leipzig.

You know what? A note's redundant.

You're not there. He gets it.

No, you were right. I have to leave a note.
It's common courtesy.

Well, it's not gonna be possible with
Andrea the Giant standing guard up there.

Oh, right. Klaus's sister.

It's too bad Barney's not here.

Man, he lives for bridesmaids.

Right, but he's not.

And it's not like
he could seduce Uta over the phone.

Challenge accepted!

- Honey, it's not cheating if it's on the phone, right?
- Say what now?

Quinn's on board! Text me her number.

You filthy, disgusting man!

But, yes, I will do that to myself
at your instruction.

Let me find a broom closet.

Oh, ja. Gut.

I did it. I did it!

You're amazing. Let's get out of here.

I left the car keys in the dressing room.

I'm pretty sure the door locked behind me.

Oh, God.

I found it kind of insulting that Barney
doesn't think we can keep this secret.

I mean, yeah, Marvin's
keeping us up all night...

but he's still the prettiest
little girl in the city.

Baby, did you just hear yourself?

You said,
"Prettiest little girl in the city."

- I think you meant "country."
- Yeah.

Hey, what does Barney think?

We're just gonna blurt out
that he used to date-

Shh!

Oh! That was close.

Quinn could've heard us through the-

Good catch.

I almost just blurted out
that Barney used to date Robin.

Barney used to date Robin?

Oh.

When did you get in here?

Like, 10 minutes ago when you said...

"Hey, Quinn,
let's all go hang out in Marvin's room."

Auf Wiedersehen, Fräulein.

You know, I hate
to perpetuate the stereotype...

but German female wrestlers from Saxony...

are just begging for it.

You dated Robin?

Verdammt!

I'm sorry I lied to you.

I'll tell you everything, the whole story.

Fine. You have one minute
before I walk out that door.

Um, it's, uh, kind of a long story, Quinn.

Gonna take a little bit
longer than a minute.

Fifty-two seconds.

Seven years ago, when Marshall
and Lily got engaged...

Ted saw Robin across
a crowded room, and I said...

"Oh, yeah, you just know
she likes it dirty."

But Ted really liked her,
so we played "Have you met Ted?"

They went to dinner. He walked her home.

Should have kissed her, didn't. Lame.

So he stole a Smurf penis.
Went to her place.

Should've kissed her, didn't.
Lame. He threw three parties.

They kissed on the roof,
but decided to be friends. Lame.

Then Ted wanted to take Robin to a wedding.

She couldn't go.
He went alone and met Victoria.

Didn't kiss her either. Lame.
Not a great closer, Ted.

But he finally kissed her.

They started dating. She went to Germany.

Ted kissed Robin. Lost Victoria.
Ted did a rain dance.

Got Robin. Ted and Robin broke up.

Robin moved to Brazil.
Came back with a Latin stud.

Ted got jealous. Got a tramp stamp.

Not relevant to the story.
I just like mentioning that.

I hooked up with Robin.
Ted and I stopped being friends.

Ted got hit by a bus. We made up.

Robin and I started dating.

I got fat. Her hair fell out.

We broke up. Robin dated Don. I dated Nora.

Cheated on her with Robin. I dumped Nora.

Robin dated Kevin, but not for long.

Then I met you.
You took my grandpa's watch.

I fell in love with you anyway.
You let me fart in front of you.

I asked you to marry me. You said yes.

We came over here to meet little Marvin.
And that's everything!

Also, I went on The Price Is Right
and won a dune buggy.

Good-bye, Barney.

Good-I ju-

She lets you fart in front of her?

Barney, you go get that girl.

Oh, God!

You cannot tell anyone that you saw me.

- I cannot get married today!
- Klaus?

Oh, I'm a mess.

I threw up in the cloakroom.
I blamed a small child.

I cannot get married. I left a note.

Good for you. Not everyone thinks of that.

Who doesn't leave a note?
It's common courtesy.

Thank you!

- Do you have the time?
- Um, yeah. It's 20 after 7:00.

Ah, sehr gut.
I can still make the 8:05 back to the city.

Auf Wiedersehen.

And suddenly it hit me

a way to absolve Victoria of any blame.

All I had to do was climb that drainpipe.

What? No, Klaus, no.

Mach schnell, sleepyhead. It's time to-

I know about you and Barney.

Who told her?

You guys did.

God. Go to sleep.

Okay, no one is going anywhere
until we find out who told you.

Look, there is nothing going on
between me and Robin.

And why should I believe that?

Well, for starters, I have a boyfriend.

No, Robin, you don't have to do this.

There have been enough lies.

I'm not lying.

His name is Nick.

I didn't want to jinx it
by telling everyone.

So I just told Marshall and Lily.
You tell 'em, guys.

We were just talking
about this earlier today.

Okay, well, what I was saying is-

I have no desire to get Barney back
because I'm with Nick now...

and, well, I don't want to be crude...

but I want to spend all day
licking his abs.

Do you understand?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yes! God, yes.

You are preaching to the choir, sister.

I stand by it.

Guys, it's okay.

You're new parents.
You just need to get some sleep.

We're fine.

This is hard, guys!

- It's really hard!
- Aw, honey.

Oh, God! Stay with me. Stay with me.

Go get your baby.

Look, it doesn't matter
that you have a boyfriend.

I'm always gonna be wondering if you
secretly still have feelings for Barney.

I don't care who this guy is.

Okay, we're good.

Okay, well, I'm glad
I left work early for this.

Robin, maybe later we can discuss
the meaning of the word "emergency"...

and the phrase "trapped under a car."

- Okay.
- Okay.

You know he has chicken legs.

Little tiny chicken legs.

You guys saw those, right?

It's not cheating
if I lie down on the bar...

and let Nick do a shot
from my belly button, right?

- Say what now?
- Barney's on board!

Nick, hold on!

Thanks for your help today.

Yeah, sure.

Although, it, uh, kind of sucked...

seeing how easy it was for you to throw
away everything from our relationship.

I-I could never do that.

622 West 14th Street.

A nd so, Victoria and I
were back where we started.

But there was something
I couldn't get off my mind.

I'll be right back.

Uh, excuse me.

Oh, hey. it's you.

Ja, okay. I'm not sure what kind of vibe
I was giving off before...

but I am not interested
in your schnitzel, okay?

No, no, no, no, no. God, no.

I just have one quick question.

Victoria seems like a great girl.

Why wouldn't you want to marry her?

Ach, okay. Victoria ist wunderbar.

Oh, I'm sorry. "Wunderbar" is the German
word for "wonderful."

- Yeah, I know.
- Oh, you speak German?

No. No, no, no.

No, no, no. Just-Just the one word.

Oh. Oh.

Ah, okay.

Victoria.

There is a word in German.

I ebenslangerschicksalsschatz.

And the closest translation would be...

"lifelong treasure of destiny."

And Victoria ist wunderbar...

but she is not my
I ebenslangerschicksalsschatz.

She is my Beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand.

You know?

You know wunderbar but you don't know
Beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand?

That is something we learn in kindergarten.

I'm sorry.
"Kindergarten" is the German word for-

No, no, I know that one.

Oh, okay. But you don't know
Beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand.

You are maddeningly inconsistent.

It means "the thing
that is almost the thing that you want...

but is not quite."

Das ist Victoria to me.

How do you know she's not
I ebenslangerschicksalsschatz?

I mean, maybe as the years go by,
she'll get...

I ebenslangerschicksalsschatz-ier.

Oh, nein.

I ebenslangerschicksalsschatz
is not something that develops over time.

It is something that happens instantaneously.

It courses through you
like the water of a river after a storm...

filling you and emptying you all at once.

You feel it throughout your body...

- in your hands-
- ♪ Coming up only ♪

- In your heart-
- ♪ To show you wrong ♪

In your stomach-

- ♪ And to know you is hard♪
- in your skin.

Of course, you feel it in your
Schlauchmachendejungen.

Pardon my French.

- Have you ever felt this way about someone?
- ♪ To know you ♪

- ♪ All wrong♪
- Yeah, I think so.

If you have to think about it,
you have not felt it.

And you're absolutely sure
you'll find that someday?

Of course. Everyone does eventually.

You just never know when or where.

And he was right.

Unfortunately, the "when " of it was still
a little ways down the road.

But the "where " of it?

♪ Really to o late to call ♪

♪ So we wait for ♪

♪ Morning to wake you ♪

- ♪ That's all we got♪
- Yeah, there's your change.

Oh-and don't forget your guitar.

♪ To know me ♪

♪ As hardly golden ♪

♪ Is to know me all wrong ♪

♪ They were ♪ ♪