How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 7, Episode 3 - Ducky Tie - full transcript

Hey, what do you guys think
of my new ducky tie?

Pretty cute, right?

And not that much more expensive
than a regular tie.

Hmm.

A ducky tie?

Bro, why do you
do this

when you know I must
slam you for it?

You guys might
want to look away

'cause this ain't
gonna be pretty.

You ready?

Duck, duck... gross.

Hashtag burn,

hashtag duck tie slam,

hashtag Stinson rocks.

What else is going on?

Oh, guess who
I ran into.

A girl from my past.

Any guesses?

- Stella.
- Zoe.

- Karen?
- The girl who beat you up.

The girl who ruined
a photo with Slash!

The girl who made you get
the butterfly tattoo?

You make it sound
like I've dated

a series of Stieg Larrson
novels.

Perhaps I need to be
a little more specific.

I met this girl at a wedding.

We were together for a while,
but then she moved to Germany.

We decided to try long
distance, but it didn't work

because I cheated on her with
someone at this very table.

Victoria.

Victoria!

She catered dessert
for the Architects' Ball.

Wow. I mean, what's it been,
like, what, six years?

Yeah, it's so funny how
the past...

you know, you think

you're doing fine,
but you know,

because true love...
God, Lily!

What on Earth is going on
with your cans?

Oh, these old things?

I got my
pregnancy boobs!

I'm in that sweet spot

where the chestal area
knows I'm pregnant,

but hasn't told the
downstairs neighbors.

Well, what are you
waiting for, Lil?

Bust 'em out!
Make 'em dance!

No!

♫ Let your boobies show! ♫

Okay, I'm sorry, pal,

but the party in my wife's
sweater is a private event,

and I'm the bouncer.

Dude, I think they's
the bouncers.

Okay, can we stop talking about
my wife's breasts, please?

Ted ran into Victoria!

I know, I'm still
a little shaken by it.

I mean, there she was
after all these years.

The emotions and memories and...

Geez, Lily, it's like you have
a butt on your chest.

Whoo-whoo-whoo!

♫

Why on Earth would
I want to see that?

They're round
and attached to my body.

It's an even trade.

Okay, who wants dinner?

Bless you.
Let's go to Shinjitsu.

Aw, again? Really?

You bring that up,
like, once a month.

It's hibachi grilling
with a vaudeville twist.

I mean, come on, who's in?

(Ted, Lily & Robin
murmur approval)

No! Forget it!

Okay, how about this:

if you can go ten seconds
without looking at Lily's boobs,

we'll go wherever
you want to go.

Deal.

Damn it!

Oh, well.

So you saw Victoria.

You must have
been freaked.

No, it was cool.

Hey, Ted.

Hey, kiddo.

Okay, Ted, 'cause from
where I was standing...

Robin! Just... okay?

I'm telling this story.

Instead of the obligatory
awkward small talk,

let me just kick this off

by saying I'm
really, really sorry.

Thanks. It's unnecessary,
but thanks.

So, wasn't awkward.

- It was a little awkward.
- Not really.

It was a little awkward.

Lucky for you, the cavalry rode
in to smooth things over.

So, uh...

I stole your boyfriend!

That was, like, crazy!

Like, what?!

But... bridge, water under it.

It was all Ted's fault.
He got me drunk.

What?
Yeah! Be right there.

Oh, guess who's here? Robin.

Oh. I'm really happy
for you guys.

You look cute together.

Oh, no, no, we're not together.

I mean, we-we dated
for, like, a year.

But now we're just friends.

It's not weird.

No, no. Why would that be weird?

I mean, if you hung out
every day, that would...

We do.

...still not be weird.

I've never
known anybody

that hangs out with their ex
every day.

Well, Barney does.

Really?
Who's Barney's ex-girlfriend?

Robin.

Your Robin?

Mine and Barney's.

You don't all three hang out
together?

All the time.

And we have weird.

It's not weird!

Has anyone gotten
a bite yet?

Oh, good!
Here we go!

The main event.

Oh, we got Takumi.
He is good!

I mean, who am
I kidding?

They're all amazing!

Let the dinnertainment begin!

Oh, that reminds me,

there's this other restaurant
we should try sometime.

What they do is, they cook
your meal in a little room

called a "kitchen."

What's the name of that...?

Oh, yeah! "Every Other
Restaurant In New York City."

Hashtag burn, hashtag
Your Tie Is Still Dumb,

hashtag refill!

So you're talking to Victoria.

I'm talking to Victoria.

Well, I should probably
get back to the bakery.

I'm taking a late bus out
to the Hamptons tonight,

and I've got a sink full
of dishes

that my assistant did not clean.

Because my assistant is me.

But it was really good seeing
you, Ted.

- Yeah, you, too.
- Okay.

Wait.

Let me do the dishes.

What?

Victoria,
do you believe in fate?

I believe you're about
to give a big speech on fate.

Well, I do.

And I think when two people like
you and me randomly bump

into each other,
it means something.

I have to make amends
for what I did.

Look, I can't undo what I did
six years ago, but...

I can wash dishes.

It's actually something
I'm good at.

Ted...

I swear to you
I am not trying anything.

♫ I said, bang, bang,
bangity-bang ♫

♫ I said a bang, bang,
bangity-bang. ♫

Guys, guys! Shut up!

Give the artist
a little respect!

Sir, I apologize for that,

and for what
I'm about to say.

Here's my impression
of this guy.

Uh! Ooh!

Uh! Uh!

Welcome to Shinjitsu! Uh!

I used to be a night manager
at Dairy Queen! Brr!

Anyone can do that.

Oh really? Then why
don't you do it, Barney?

Show us all the tricks
if they're so easy.

Show us the onion volcano,

the fried rice
beating heart,

the shrimp in the pocket.

I bet Ted showed Victoria
the shrimp in his pocket.

Shrimp? Really?

Okay, I'll do all

those things. You just name
the time and the place.

Okay, right here
after we eat.

And what do I get if I do?

What do you want?

I want to touch Lily's boobs.

Deal!

Hey, sweetie?

Yeah, I heard.

Okay, Barney, you want
to make this real?

Let's make this real.

Terms: If you can do
all that stuff

that Marshall just listed off,

I will let
you touch one boob.

Both boobs.

Just one.

Touch and squeeze.

Just touch.

Touch and motorboat.

Just touch.

- Honka honka?
- Barney.

Just touch.
Just touch.

For one hour.
For one second.

20 minutes, both boobs.

Thirty seconds, one boob.

Four minutes, both boobs,
three squeezes.

One minute, both boobs,
one squeeze.

Deal!

But... if you can't do
everything

and I mean everything,

then you have to wear
Marshall's ducky tie...

for one year.

Ooh...

Deal.

So you get to the bakery.

We get to the bakery.

Well, this is great.

You know what else
is getting clean

along with this
cupcake tray?

My conscience.

You got anything else
you need to atone for?

My oven needs cleaning.

Un, no, nothing else.

Not yet anyway.

♫ Bang, bang, bangity-bang,
said a bang-bang-bangity. ♫

I'm getting married.

Bang.

Baby, I think I got yours.
This one has no booze.

Oh, no, that's mine.

Yeah, I don't know

why people think
that Mai Tais need booze.

I've been drinking virgins
all night,

and they're delicious.

Yeah, well, enjoy
your Mai Tai

because as of tomorrow night,
you'll be wearing my tie.

Our future child
is so lucky.

Wait. You're not drunk?

Huh. I guess not.

It's a hustle!

We gettin' hustled!

Oh, this stinks.

This stinks to holy hell!

He's gonna win the bet!

Baby, come on. Even if he was
sober as a nun,

there's no way he could do what
these guys do.

Exactly. I mean, to learn
the trademark secrets

of Shinjitsu hibachi cooking,

one would have to go
all the way...

to Hoboken, New Jersey.

Yeah, they have a school there.

It's a six-month course.
They teach you everything.

How do you know that?

Maybe I looked it up
on my phone just now.

Then again, maybe not.

So Victoria's getting married.

She's getting married.

I'm sorry. I should have
told you that way earlier.

No, no, it's fine.

You thought something
was gonna happen.

Like one percent.

Maybe slap on a ring next time.

Well, the problem is,
he hasn't asked me yet.

I found the ring in a box
in his sock drawer.

Wow! Guy's got a whole drawer
just for socks?

Must be nice.

So when's Money Bags
popping the question?

I'm pretty sure tomorrow.

He's taking me out

to a really nice restaurant out
in the Hamptons.

It's right on the water,

so afterwards we'll take a walk
on the beach in the moonlight.

You should probably go.

I don't know.
It sounds pretty intimate.

I'm serious. I feel
like I misled you.

Madam, I came here
to wash your dishes.

Nothing more.

- Whoa! What was that!?
- What was what?

This guy and Barney
just shared a look!

Do you know him?

They did it again!

This whole thing stinks,
I tells ya!

It stinks!

Lily, are you really suggesting
that Barney spent six months

commuting back and forth
to Hoboken

to learn a signature cooking
style of a restaurant

he doesn't even like
so he could win a bet

he hadn't even made yet?

Yeah, the whole thing stinks.

No, it's not possible, okay?

I was the one who said
let's go to Shinjitsu...

Bless you.

How could Barney have...

You brilliant bastard.

It's all so obvious now.

For the past, oh, I don't
know how long, five years,

every time I've said,
"Let's go to Shinjitsu""

Bless you.

You've sneezed.

Every time.

And little by little...

Let's go to Shinjitsu.

Bless you. Bless you.

...you forged the association
in my brain.

So what should we do for dinner?

Let's go to Shinjitsu.

Oh, bless you.
Thanks.

Until eventually...

Yes, I know I said that
we'd be back Sunday,

but guess what?
We are back now!

Now what on earth...

Stop bouncing!
What on earth

would make you think that
we'd be okay with this?

Let's go to Shinjitsu.

When you were sick
for a week last year,

I had Shinjitsu
like six times.

You had the knife skills...

you had the trigger...

All you needed then was
to want something from me.

And then one day... those
somethings came a-busting out.

Wapowng!

I am gonna have
to walk this earth,

knowing Barney has
touched my boobs.

Yeah. It stays with you.

His email reminders don't help.

Okay, Lily, this is ridiculous.

If you want to
call the bet off...

Great! The bet's off!

Let me finish.

Here's the deal: If
you let me just see them--

no touching, just looking--
for one minute...

30 seconds.
For 30 seconds,

in a well-lit
photography studio...

- In the alley.
- In the alley...

then we'll cancel this
entire wager completely.

Do we have a deal?

I totally think you
should take the deal.

I don't think we have a choice.

Go on, take the deal.

I'll... think about it.

So you're doing the dishes...

I'm doing the dishes.

All done.

Congratulations.

Your karmic slate is
clean and lemony fresh.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

See, now I can start anew,

and hopefully end up as
happy as you and, uh...

Sorry, what's his name?

- Whose name?
- Your fiancé to-be.

Oh! His name is Klaus.

- Klaus.
- Klaus.

German name.

- Yeah, German guy.
- Hmm.

When you were
living in Germany,

and we were doing the whole
long-distance thing...

wasn't there a Klaus
in your class?

There was a Klaus in my class.

- And you and Klaus were close.
- Not that close.

Yes, yes, you and the Klaus from
your class were quite close.

Kind of close.

- Was that your Klaus?
- My Klaus?

- In your class.
- In my class?

Is your Klaus the kind of
close Klaus from your class?

Yes.

You didn't cheat on me
with Klaus, did you?

- No. No, I did not.
- Mm.

Okay, new question.

After we broke up,
how long were you single

before you and Klaus
started dating?

Oh, how long... um, well,
we broke up in April, so...

a day and a half.

Oh, you have got
to be kidding me!

I'm sorry.

So I've spent the last
six years feeling like

I completely betrayed you,
when in truth, you...

No, you know what?

Okay. Fine.

Just let yourself off the hook
on a technicality!

Forget the fact that
you did cheat on me!

Forget it? I will
never forget it. Okay?

I will never stop regretting it,

because what we had
meant that much to me!

I just... I wish it had meant
something to you, too.

Are you kidding?

- I loved you!
- Did you?

Yes.

We had such an amazing
time together.

Do you remember that night

we found that crazy
videotape of Barney?

Game night.

We played that ridiculous
game Marshall invented.

- Marshgammon.
- Yeah.

We've played it a few times
since. I still don't get it.

Remember the night we met?

I remember you not
letting me kiss you.

Remember why?

You had this ridiculous idea

that the moment leading
up to the kiss...

The drum roll.

...is as good as
the kiss itself.

Isn't it?

Well, it's certainly
more innocent.

It's completely harmless.

Completely.

- Oh, my God!
- Oh no.

No, no-no-no-no-no.

- I should not have done that.
- No, that was me.

I let you come wash my dishes!

I said my "oven"
needed "cleaning"!

I invited you into a porno!

No.

You were right. This is fate.

I needed to see
you one more time

in order to know
for sure about Klaus.

And...?

And...

I have a bus to catch.

Fine, you can see my boobs!

To the alley!

This seems unfair.

I mean, I get that
I'm the only person

not allowed to see this, but...

it just, it-it seems unfair.

Come on, Lily, hurry up.

Guys...

You know, I'm all for honoring a
bet, but who invited Takumi?

Sorry, bro.
I tried.

What's going on?
What am I missing?

Are they out yet?
What do they look like?

Look, I don't want to know!

Just tell me the kind of coin.

Do you know how long
30 seconds is?

It's going to be five seconds of...

followed by 25 seconds of....

I mean, yes,
seeing Lily's boobs

is all you've ever
wanted, but come on.

All he's ever wanted...

Lily, stop!

Don't you see?

This was his plan all along!

He let us think he knows how
to do all this Shinjitsu stuff,

just so he could
get you out here

whipping out your milk-makers!

You son of a bitch!

The bet is back on!

Nice try, Barney!

Nice try.

Maybe I was wrong.

Well, I guess that's everything
you asked me to do, is it not?

Oh, wait! The shrimp
in the pocket.

A modern classic.

And now...

for one minute on second base...

with a firm yet
sensual squeeze...

Nothing can stop him now.

One thing can.

Make that two things.

No!!

Yeah!
Yeah!

So you take her to the bus...

I take her to the bus.

Well, this feels familiar.

You leaving, me kind of
wanting to say, "Don't go""

Little late for that.

Little bit.

- Don't go.
- Ted...

I'm sorry. I just...

Why didn't I say it then?

Why'd I let you
get on that plane?

Why didn't I get on it with you?

What would our lives be
right now, if we had just...

held on?

Would I have still run into
you at this party tonight...

or would we have been
there together?

We'd go home...

to our home?

You cook. I do the dishes.

I'm happy that you're happy.

But damn it.

What if?

Do you really want
to know the answer to that?

No.

I think it would kill me.

Good-bye, Ted.

And that was it.

Now she's probably engaged.

Maybe it's for the best.

All right. Well...

We're gonna duck out.

Sorry to leave you
with the bill.

Oh, guys, it's gonna
be a good year.

I'm glad you guys can laugh,

'cause I think I'm gonna
be physically ill.

Coming down with a mallardy?

Oh, they look hungry.
There you go.

Here you go.

Kids, there was
one part I left out.

Good-bye, Ted.

Okay, yes.
What's the answer?

There is a reason that it didn't
work out between you and me,

but it's not Germany.

And I'm willing to bet it's the
same reason none of your other

relationships in the last
six years have lasted either.

It's Robin.

No.

Yes.

She is so much bigger
in your world than you realize.

And this thing that you're all
doing, you and Barney and Robin,

where the three of you hang out
at the bar night in, night out,

like you're all just buddies?

That doesn't work. Trust me.

You-You've got it all wrong.

I'm right about this.

Good-bye, Ted.

And sure enough, she was right.

It didn't work;
we just didn't realize it yet.