How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 7, Episode 12 - Symphony of Illumination - full transcript

Kids, have I ever told you

the story
of how I met your father?

Well, I'll just skip ahead

to the moment I told him
I was pregnant.

W... What happened?

Did I pass out?

Not exactly.

I'm pregnant.

Are you sure you're not
just getting fat?

Oh, yeah.

So, um, you're pregnant.

Yeah.

Huh.

Looks like nobody told
your boobs.

What happened?

Did I pass out?

Oh, my...

Please stop hitting me!

Hey.

Are... Are you sure you're...

Well, no, not positive.

I'm a week late.

But I'm never late;
it's a point of pride with me.

I'm going to go

see the doctor on Monday
to find out for sure.

Until then, not a word
of this to anyone.

Not even Kevin?

I mean, it's probably his.

I've spent years
training my boys

to swim the other way.

Kevin and I haven't had sex yet.

If I'm pregnant, you're the dad.

That's wonderful!

Huh?

I'm gonna be a daddy!

Okay, one scotch for me,

one iced tea on the rocks glass
for Mommy.

Stop it.

Sorry, sorry.

Keeping it secret.

Oop, I think I gave you
the wrong one.

Here, let me just...

Give it to me.
Drop... let go.

Take it away from you.

Barney, why are you
so happy about this?

Because this is perfect.

I want to be a dad.

This is not good news.

I have a boyfriend.

Yeah, but if Kevin
weren't around...

It doesn't matter!

I don't want kids.

I've never wanted kids,

and never, in a million years,
will I ever want kids.

Sorry, kids.

I can't have a baby.

Hey, guys!

Guess what this is!

One of your socks?
Boom! You're huge.

No, it's our unborn son's
Christmas stocking.

Grandma Gunderson
started knitting it

the day Lily and I got married.

She died before
she could finish.

I miss stockings.

My stepdad Clint
made us get rid of anything

that reminds him of the
commercialization of Christmas.

I thought you said he
dresses up as Santa.

Yeah, but, uh,
to protest gender stereotypes,

he plays Santa as a woman.

Though, he keeps the beard.

The result is disturbing.

Well, we should go.

We have to get
to We B Babies

so that we can register
for our shower.

No can do.

Um, I have a big project
that I'm working on.

This is Richard Holdman's house
in East Meadow.

Last year, he had the
most visited Christmas display

in the tri-state area.

But not this year.
You know why?

Because Big Fudge
has come to town,

and he brought his two friends:

Mannim... Steamroller.

Game on.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Uh, it's just, um...

I hate Mannheim
Steamroller.

Isn't there anyone
else you can use?

Come on! Who am I gonna use
if not the Steamroller?!

I don't know. AC/DC?

AC/DC?

Robin, do you have any idea

why they call them
Mannheim Steamroller?

Because they rock... so hard,
so festively,

that steam comes out
of your brain.

As it melts.

So I have to go to
We B Babies by myself?

Robin and I will
go with you.

Barney, what are
we doing here?

I want to show you
that having a kid

is nothing to be afraid of.

Kids. Stop.

Okay, first
on the registry:

nipple butter.

Uh-oh.

As you breast-feed,

your nipples stretch out,
like, four inches

and get all dry and cracked.

The nipple butter
stops the bleeding.

My four-inch nipples are
going to crack and bleed?!

Yes, but while the baby is
gnawing on your bleeding nips,

look what she'll be wearing.

Insane Duane?

Barney?

Insane Duane was your father's
best friend,

back in the days before
he met me or your Uncle Ted.

We're going back to her place.

Boom!

All right, you win!

Here's 20 for picking up a girl
with only one word.

And here's another 20
for that word being "boner."

Thank you.

I'll meet you back here in an
hour when I'm done with, uh...

Ah, who cares what her name is;
she won't be

around long enough
for it to matter.

Nice!

Shh...

I can't believe
I haven't seen you around.

Well, after Sheila and I
had that quickie,

my life's been playdates,
preschools and poops.

I haven't set foot
in a bar in years.

You stopped drinking?

Oh, I still drink.

Vaginal
numbing spray.

Apparently, after child birth,

your hoo-ha looks like
Rocky Balboa's face.

- You can't have a baby!
- I can't have a baby!

The next day,
we went to the doctor.

Well, Mrs. Scherbatsky,

I'm sure that you
and your husband...

Uh, he's not my husband.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Your boyfriend then.

He's not my boyfriend.

Oh, bozhe.

All right, well,
I will just cut to the chase.

Wait! Wait.

All right.

Okay.

All right, we're ready. Good.

not pregnant.

Yeah!

- Oh, yeah!
- Yeah!

That's what I'm
talking about!

Yeah, you know,
you know!

Again, sorry kids.

Hey, mister.

Are you putting up
all these Christmas lights?

Oh, kid, by the time I'm done,

you're gonna be able to see this
son of a bitch from outer space.

Ah, cool.

I wanted to put lights
on our house,

but my dad says he's too busy
with work and stuff.

Hey, what do you say, uh,
you come back here next weekend

and help me out?

Yeah!

You've got yourself a deal.

I'm Scott.

I'm... Mr. Eriksen.

Thanks, Mr. E.

Mr. E.

Looks like some little scamp
just earned the right

to put the Vikings helmet
on baby Jesus.

Later that week,
as I was enjoying every second

of not being pregnant...

Next on Teenage Mommies...

But you said
you would watch Bella.

I have cheerleading practice.

Sucks to be you, Braces.

Oh. Um...

Yello!

Uh, yeah, I can come back in.

Robin, we ran some
tests last week.

This is going to be
difficult to hear.

And then the doctor said a
bunch of medical stuff that...

well, the gist of it was this.

I can't have a baby.

No. You can't have a baby.

Uh, great.

Uh, well, I mean,
um, not-not great.

I mean, I've never wanted kids,

so if it has to happen
to someone...

Robin, is there anyone
you can talk to about this?

Perhaps a close friend?

I knew I could have
talked to my friends.

But, it's just, I already knew

exactly how
they would all react.

Ted would go into overdrive
trying to make me feel better.

You need comfort food.

Fried chicken, mac and cheese,
mashed potatoes.

Open your present,
I'll work on these shoulders.

Okay, just breathe,
relax, eat your chicken.

Come on,
eat, breathe,

open it, breathe,
open it, eat.

Robin, why are you so tense?!

Lily would just implode.

And here I've been going
on and on about babies.

Oh, I am such a bad friend!

And I'd wind up comforting her.

It's okay.

You have to punch
me in the face!

Marshall would ask me
a ton of questions

I don't know the answers to.

- Have you thought about adoption?
- Um, well...

Does this kind of thing
run in your family?

Uh...

What was the date, duration

and consistency
of your last period?

And your father would
bend over backwards

trying to make me laugh.

A priest and a rabbi
walk into a bar--

no, a barbershop--
no, a post office--

no, it's two priests--
no, it's two ducks--

no, a priest holding a duck--
and he's Polish.

The priest, not the duck.

Actually, the duck
could be Polish, too.

Doesn't matter.

Yes it does.
The duck's not Polish.

And when that didn't work,

he would actually
bend over backwards.

Pratfall!

Ow!

The bottom line is, I didn't
feel like talking about it.

So when Ted asked...

Hey, Robin, you okay?
You look upset.

I just came up with the first
lie that popped into my head.

Yeah. Uh...

I just found out I can never...

be a pole-vaulter
for the Canadian Olympic team.

I'm too tall or something.

Robin, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry, Robin.

I had no idea.
That's terrible.

Can we get some fried chicken
over here, stat!

I am such a
bad friend!

Three slutty nuns
show up at St. Peter's--

Wait, wait, they're not slutty.

Well, they are, but you're not
supposed to know that yet.

Um...

Hey, baby, what's up?

Hey, uh, listen,
the construction of

the Symphony of Illumination
is taking

a little longer than I thought.

Good thing I have
Scott here to help me.

Right, Scott?

You betcha, Mr. E!

Bad news.

Robin's too tall

to be an Olympic
pole-vaulter.

Has she filed an appeal
with the IOC?

Have you filed
an appeal with the IOC?

Can she make herself shorter
by slouching?

Can you make yourself
shorter by slouching?

Has she considered
going back to school

and competing at
the collegiate level?

Have you considered
going back to school and...

I don't want to talk about it.

Sorry.

I love you, baby.
See you tomorrow.

Okay, I love you, too.

Scott?

Scott, I dropped my phone.

Yep, found it.

Could you bring it up here?

You got it.

Hey, while I'm at it,
can I get you a beer?

He wants to bring
the old man a beer.

Yeah, sure.

Uh, there's a whole case
in the fridge.

Thanks, son.

Do you, do you mind
if I call you "son"?

You can call me
whatever you want...

jackass.

Scott?

The ladder fell.

Scott?

♪ ♪

Scott!

What are we doing?

Listen, um,

I know things have been
kind of weird

between you and me
these past couple weeks,

so I just want to say I'm...

I'm glad we're back
to where we started.

- Yeah.
- Friends with benefits.

- No.
- Just like always.

Never been that.
Just friends.

With benefits.
We'll talk about it later.

Look at all
these babies.

Isn't it crazy how,
now that we're not having one,

babies are cute again?

Look at that one.

I'm good.

No, I'm serious.
Look, look.

Damn it.

That thing's cute as crap.

Screw you, baby.

Scott?

Scott!

What is going on?

Hey, Mr. E.
Scott...

if you do not let me down,
I am going to scream

my head off until someone
comes to help me,

and then you're going to have to
explain all of this to the cops.

And then you'll have to explain
why there's

a picture of my ding-dong
on your phone.

There is no picture of your...

There is now.

Oh, yeah, that's a beauty.

Scott?

Scott!

Scott!

Marshall keeps

asking me to text him
pictures of my boobies.

After all these years,

he sometimes still acts
like a teenager.

I'll be right back.

Insane Duane.

It's Sane Duane now.

You used to be
magnificent.

Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, um,
I guess this, um,

this pole-vaulting thing
is finally hitting me.

I don't get it, Robin.

Did you really want
to be a pole-vaulter?

No, no, I was,
uh, I was always

adamantly against having a...

uh, a pole-vaulting career,

even though it's
what most women want.

Most women want
to be a pole-vaulter?

In Canada--
it's very big up there.

You know, it's,
it's meet a nice guy,

get married, vault some poles,

but I...

never wanted that.

Of course, it's one thing
not to want something.

It's another to be told
you can't have it.

I guess it's,
it's just nice knowing

that you could someday do it
if you changed your mind.

But now, all of a sudden,
that door is closed.

What about the one where you ski
and shoot at the same time?

That seems like something
you'd be good at.

Oh, my God, Robin, look at this.

O Cana-dorable!

Am I right?

Excuse me.

Yep, this works.

Scott, when I get

down from here, you are going

to be in big, big trouble,
mister.

Come on, Mr. E.

Didn't you ever cut loose
when you were a kid?

That's irrelevant.

I mean, of course I did.

One time, when my parents
were out of town,

my brothers and I set
the basement on fire

hosting
an amateur wrestling exhibition.

There were some theatrics.

See, you get me.

I don't think of you as some
dummy I trapped on the roof.

I think of you more like,
like my dad.

Can we keep the party going
for 30 more minutes, please?

Okay, Scott.

Thanks, Pop.

It's fine, kid just needed
to blow off some steam.

No!

Grandma Gunderson knitted that!

Scott...!

That was crazy.

She just ran
out of there crying.

Now she's not
answering her phone.

She's been acting really weird
for a few weeks now,

really since the night
we discussed the hurricane.

Barney, you split a cab home.

Did she say anything?

We didn't really talk much.

Well, lucky for us,

someone at this table is skilled

in the art of detection.

Robin's upset.

She and Kevin
are having trouble.

- He cheated on her.
- No way.

Kevin's an honest, decent guy
who never on his best day

could pull a hotter chick
than Robin.

Maybe Robin cheated on him.

Maybe Robin is the dirty bird
who slept with someone else.

I don't know,
this pole-vaulting thing seems

like a slam dunk to me.

Oh, it is so obvious.

Barney.

What is the name of that guy

you worked with-- uh, Randy?

It was Randy.

Wait a second.

I just cracked this case.

The little maple leaf onesie.

It made her homesick.

That's why she's so upset.

She's not going home
for Christmas.

She wants me
to invite her to Ohio.

That's got to be it!

Either that
or she slept with Barney.

Oh, you must be Scott.

Oh, hello, ma'am.

It's nice to finally
see your face.

Well, I'd better go
hit those books.

Hold it right there, young man.

This is for helping out
my husband.

Wow, 50 bucks.

Merry Christmas.

Lily!

An airplane ticket
to Cleveland?

I know it's not Canada,
but it starts with a "C"

and it's cold as balls,
so get packed.

You're coming home
with me for Christmas.

Yeah, nice try, dude.

I wouldn't go to Cleveland

for $125 million
paid over six years.

Still?

Still with the LeBron jokes?

Where's that ring, huh?

Where's that ring
he's supposed to have by now?

Look, I just-- I thought
you were bummed

about not going home
for Christmas.

Are you kidding?

I love New York at Christmas.

It's so quiet and peaceful.

Got my eggnog to keep
me company, so...

Robin, what's wrong?

- Nothing.
- Just tell me.

Why do you need
to know so bad?

So I can cheer you up.

It's not your job
to cheer me up.

Yes, it is.

Cheering you up is my job.

Well, then, you're fired.

You can't fire me.

I'm union, bitch.

It's not your job
to cheer me up.

- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

No, it's not.

Merry Christmas, Ted.

Merry Christmas.

So, kids, I settled in
for a Christmas alone.

I appreciated that Ted wanted
to cheer me up,

but honestly,
it wasn't necessary.

So I can't have kids.

Big deal.

This way there's no one
to hold me back in life,

no one to keep me
from traveling

where I want to travel,

no one getting
in the way of my career.

If you want to know
the truth of it,

I'm glad you guys aren't real.

Really glad.

Damn it.

("Highway to Hell" by AC/DC
playing)

Yes, it is.

Look, you don't want to
tell me what's wrong, fine.

I don't need to know.

But you can never stop me
from trying to cheer you up.

It's a fact of life.

You're just gonna
have to deal with it.

Ted...

Hold on, hold on,
this is the best part.

♪ I'm on the highway to hell ♪

♪ On the highway to hell ♪

♪ Highway to hell... ♪

Kids, your Aunt Robin
never became a pole-vaulter,

but she did become
a famous journalist,

a successful businesswoman,
a world traveler.

She was even briefly
a bullfighter--

that's a funny story,
I'll get to that one later.

But there's one thing
your Aunt Robin never was.

She was never alone.