How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 7, Episode 11 - The Rebound Girl - full transcript

In the fall of 2011,
Lily and Marshall received

a surprising gift
from Lily's grandparents:

their house in Long Island.

Lily and Marshall decided to
sell it for one simple reason.

It's Long Island.

I don't want to spend
my Saturday in Long Island.

I know, babe,

but the realtor staged the
place with fake furniture

and she wants us to check it
out before the open house.

All right.

Can we at least do it
on the fake bed?

I'm embarrassed
that you have to ask.

So, they headed out
to Long Island,

and when they walked
in the door...

We'll take it!

We-We can't take it.

We're the ones selling it.

We are selling it, right?

Baby, your grandparents gave
you this house outright.

So, the way I see it,
we have five options.

One: sell it.

Two: year-round
haunted house.

Three: giant fence around the
perimeter, chimp sanctuary.

There's already a tire
swing in the backyard.

Four: we destroy it
with sledgehammers.

I like four.

Or five: we move in,
raise our children

and make this our family home.

Till they graduate.

Then we destroy it
with sledgehammers.

As a family.

No, this is crazy!

We are New York people.

We have a big, beautiful
apartment that we love.

You're right.

But something happened

to Lily and Marshall that day.

Something that happens
to all New Yorkers

who return home from anywhere
other than New York.

Their big, lovely apartment...

Huh. That's weird.

...shrank.

Okay, after Thanksgiving,
I'm cutting out carbs.

♪ How I Met Your Mother 7x11 ♪
The Rebound Girl
Original Air Date on November 21, 2011

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Now, kids, it had been
a rough couple weeks for Barney.

First, he cheated
on his girlfriend with Robin,

then he broke up
with his girlfriend for Robin,

then Robin chose Kevin
over him.

So he was kind of
in a bad place.

Hey.

You all right?

Why wouldn't I
be all right?

Barney's single again!

It's what America's
been clamoring for.

You just went
through a break-up.

That's usually when people
do something crazy.

If you were a girl,
you'd have cut bangs

and be dating you by now.

Just promise me
you won't do something crazy.

I promise I won't
do something crazy.

Don't worry, he's gonna do
something crazy.

In fact, I think
I'm done with girls.

I'm not sure I even
like them anymore.

Based on all the stuff you've
done to them over the years,

I'm not sure
you ever liked them.

I'm serious.

Come on, you love girls.

If anyone should be
done with girls, it's me.

Look at the year I've had.

Zoey, Victoria,
the Slutty Pumpkin.

Now I'm worried
you're gonna do something crazy.

I'm not gonna do
something crazy.

And yes, I'm gonna do
something crazy, too.

But girls, man.

Girls.

- You know what would kick ass?
- Being gay?

Being gay would kick ass!

Word. Guys understand
each other.

Imagine a relationship where,

instead of talking
about feelings all the time,

you just play some Madden,
eat a pizza,

give each other a happy,
roll over

and have some
cuddle-free shut-eye.

Bro, for what it's worth,

if we were both gay,
you'd be my first call.

Would you mind calling Marshall
and telling him that?

'Cause he thinks...

No, this is only in a scenario

where just you and I are gay,
not Marshall.

But if all three of us were gay,

you'd pick me
over Marshall, right?

If all three of us were gay?

Girlfriend, we would
all three of us have some fun.

Damn right we would.

We're not gay.

Nope. Stuck with girls.

I wish men could have children

on their own, like sea horses.

Are you saying
what I think you're saying?

They have a little pouch.

They should be called
sea kangaroos.

No, y-you want kids?

Maybe I've kind of
lately been thinking

about the whole
wife and kids thing.

Just minus the wife.

You could always go it alone.

Like Mr. Drummond
on Diff'rent Strokes.

Yeah, but that was the '80s,
when you could just swing by

any inner-city playground
in your limo

and scoop up some kids.
- Mmm.

- Simpler times.
- Hmm.

I guess it's better
to have someone

in it with you anyway, you know?
Lifetime partnership.

The only partnership in my life

that has stood the test of time
is this one.

The sacred bond of man and bro.

Maybe we should start
a family together.

Are you kidding?

This place is huge.

I mean, look, I can
dance all crazy in here.

Oh! Sh...

Listen, um, Robin,

are you okay with us all

doing Thanksgiving
out in East Meadow?

Uh, yeah, I guess
that'd be nice.

Oh, great!

And then after Thanksgiving,
Lily and I were thinking

that we would just
stay at the house

until, you know...

we die.

What?

No!

You can't move
to Long Island!

But this house
is so nice.

It's big, and it's clean,
and if there's cockroaches,

they respect us enough
to sneak around.

Listen to yourself.

This is Pregnancy Brain
all over again.

No, I'm done
with Pregnancy Brain.

I've moved on
to weird pregnancy sex dreams.

Officer.

You know. You know.

I'm-I'm just saying, you're not
in the right mind to be making

this decision
right now.

You know what? Robin's right.

We are in no state of mind
to make this kind of decision.

Thank you. And now you're
stepping off the crazy bus.

We let the universe decide.

And now you're back on board.

You hear that, Universe?

If you send us a sign
in the next...

24 hours, then we're moving
to Long Island!

Okay?

Go.

Hey, guys,

for the last time,
this place is enormous...

Oh!

Geez, how many lamps
do you have?

It's genius!

Instead of throwing away
your life marrying some girl,

you just go splitsies on a kid
with your best bro!

I wouldn't have to choose

between dating
and having a family.

Hell, I could bring
the kids on dates!

And a broken home?

Um, what's that?

Our kids will never know,

'cause we're never
gonna split up!

Why would we?

I mean, sure,
when your wife walks in

on you banging a hot flight
attendant, you get a divorce.

But when your bro-parent
walks in on you

banging a hot
flight attendant...

You get five of these bad boys,
right up high!

And you totally
join in, right?!

Oh, no, there's the line.
That's the line.

We found the line.
It's good we know where it is.

Hey, guys.

- Hey!
- Hey.

We have an announcement.

So what you're
saying is,

if you're meant to move
to Long Island,

some sign from the universe

will magically appear
at your doorstep?

Now, kids, I don't think
there was a knock on the door

at that exact moment, but for
the purposes of this story...

Hi, I'm Clive.

I live upstairs from you.

Is this your sign?

I don't know, Clive.

Is it?

Oh, did we leave that outside?

Yeah, we're selling our house
in Long Island.

Oh. Too bad you're not
selling this place.

I'd love to turn
mine into a duplex.

And I'd give you a really
good price for it,

because I am so rich.

He did not
say that.

His shoes did.

Okay, the point is,
we got the sign.

We're moving to East Meadow.

Let's get some champagne.

And just like that,
Lily and Marshall

were beginning a new chapter
in their lives.

Which meant only one thing
for us...

We're having a baby!

Bro-parents activate!

- Hey, let's talk baby names!
- Barney...

Oh, my God!
That was my first choice, too.

No, listen.
You and I are drunk.

Which means there's a chance
that adopting a baby...

no matter how cute
he is in my head

with his little cowboy outfit on
and he's riding our dog

like a horse
and we also have a dog,

purebred Golden,
but it's okay, she's a rescue...

might not be a good idea.

You're right.

So let's go home,
take some aspirin,

drink lots of water,

and then see if it's still
a good idea tomorrow.

It's still a good idea!

It's totally still
a good idea!

We're having a baby!

Kids, I cannot
stress this enough:

Barney and I were going
through a tough time.

You're not leaving,
and that's final.

Look what I bought at
4:00 a.m. in New York City.

A bootleg VHS of a very,
very popular Korean movie,

this genuine Lenny Vintone purse

and the number of a man
who can get me a kidney.

Do that on Long Island.

Look, Robin, we appreciate
that you want us

to stay in the city, but
this is what we want.

I mean, you
understand, right?

No.

Here are a
few fun facts

about Long Island.

Number one:
it's Brooklyn's fart trail.

So Barney and I...

and again,
going through a tough time,

can't stress that enough...

found an adoption agency
Web site

and filled out
their online application.

Name: Barney Stinson.

Ted Mosby.

Address...

Oh, put my address
in Westchester.

They'll want to see we'll be

raising this child
in a good environment.

You know, the suburbs.

What? No.

- All my guys are here.
- Your guys?

Yeah. You know how I got
a guy for everything?

Well, they're all in New York.

My suit guy, my shoe guy,
my ticket guy, my club guy.

And if I don't have
a guy for something,

then I have a guy guy
to get me a guy.

And oddly enough,
his name is Guy.

Okay, fine.
How about this?

We stay in the city during
the week, then on the weekend,

country house in the burbs!

This is why bro-parenting works!

Totally!

And with your salary
plus my salary,

we can totally
afford two places.

Oh.

What?

So... uh, you're gonna
keep your job?

Robin, this discussion
is closed.

The universe told us to do it,
so we're doing it.

Well, the universe
gets it wrong sometimes.

Remember when Marshall
was trying to decide between

becoming an environmental lawyer
and working at a bank?

That's a funny story.

Marshall was fed up
with his job at GNB and was

thinking about
leaving it all behind,

so he and Lily agreed
he should wait for a sign

from the universe
to tell him what to do.

Then one day...

Of course.

It's so clear.

It's been right there all along.

I have to call Lily.

Excuse me. Excuse me, sir.

I'm sorry, but, um, can
I please borrow your...

- Ernie Hudson?
- Yes.

Can I borrow your phone?

Who you gonna call?

And did Marshall
become a Ghostbuster?

That firehouse
is still for sale.

Even Ernie Hudson begged you
not to go through with that.

Ernie Hudson is a coward!

Oh!

Of course I'm gonna
keep my job.

Why wouldn't
I keep my job?

Well, I mean,
this whole architecture thing...

isn't it more of a hobby?

Excuse me?

And now we're fighting.
You know what?

Forget I said anything.

No! No, no, no.
We're having this discussion.

Architecture
is my life's work.

Why don't you quit your job?
I don't even know

what it is
you do for a living.

"What it is I do for a living?"

I work, Ted, 14 hours a day
so that our baby can have food

and clothes and a nice house,

while you sit around
doodling pictures of buildings.

That's "what it is I do."

You know what? Screw this.
I'm gonna go to the bar.

Yeah, right, right,
'cause the answer's always

at the bottom of a bottle!

Wait, wait, wait!
Hold it!

Brainstorm.
Brainstorm.

Nobody quits their job.

We get a nanny.

Dibs on the nanny.

No. No banging the nanny.

Ted, please don not dig in
on this whole

no-banging-the-nanny policy.

Okay, fine.
We'll get two nannies.

One for banging,
one for childcare.

Slash banging.
Dibs on both nannies!

Just think of it, Ted,
you and me,

living together,
with our kid,

my two hot nannies,
our pet cobra...

What?

A kid needs a pet cobra, Ted.
Don't be a pill about this.

And we'll have amazing
weeklong parties,

and there'll be swords
and ninja stars lying around.

That's when I realized:

adopting a baby with a friend?
Crazy.

Adopting a baby with Barney?
Freaking nuts.

I can't adopt a baby with you,
Barney.

Why not?

Because we don't even
have one yet

and you're already
a terrible father.

Oh, I get it.

You want one of the nannies.

Well, you can't have 'em!
They're mine!

So you're just gonna have
to get yourself a third nanny.

Except dibs on
the third nanny! Good day!

Which brings us
to Thanksgiving.

Marshall, Lily and Robin
were heading out

to Long Island early
to get ready.

Okay, how is this
even possible?!

'Cause how did we even get it
in here?!

Okay, I change my mind.
I want an epidural.

You guys are crazy.

This place is enormous.

I mean, look arou...

Have you never heard
of overhead lighting?!

You're right.

I get it.

This place is great.

Um, excuse me.
Where is the restroom?

Oh. Right there.
Oh, good, great.

I'm just gonna go
in there and...

not come out until you promise
never to move away!

It's a good thing
we have three bathrooms.

Hey, Barney.

Uh, listen, sorry
about the other day

when I said you'd be
a terrible father.

You had no reason
to think otherwise.

Totally understandable.
I'm not mad.

Thanks.

And, uh, let's be honest,

we were both acting
a little crazy.

I don't think either of us
is truly ready

for the responsibility of...

Daddy's home.

Uh, Barney, uh, where
did you get this baby?

Please.

Did you adopt it?

Please.

Do you have
a baby guy?

Did Guy the guy guy
get you a baby guy?

Ted, we should get going.

No, no, no. I'm not going
anywhere with you.

For all I know, I could be

aiding and abetting
a kidnapping.

Shh. Bro-daddy's not mad.

He's just being a wittle loud.
He wuvs you! Yes, he does!

- This is insane!
- You'll feel better outside.

- Come on.
- No, I can't.

Yeah. Na-na-na.

But then we went outside.

Oh, my goodness.

- What a beautiful baby.
- Thank you.

By the way, my friend and I,
we're not a couple.

We are two straight guys
who are single

and we have a baby.
Just so you know.

Look at this sweet girl.

Hi. I was just telling
this first girl,

my friend and I,
both straight,

both available,
and we have a baby.

Oh, who is this little angel?

Okay, real quick:
me and him,

not gay, single,
have a baby.

We should look
into having a sign made.

Kids, again, we were going
through a difficult time.

But this part was kind of fun.

Aw...!
So cute!

This is awesome.

Right?

Robin, come out
and talk to us.

I'm not coming out
of this bathroom

until everyone stops
acting crazy!

No one is being crazy.

Again, for the purposes
of this story...

Ted and I have
a baby. Crazy!

What the hell is that?

Guys, this is Hurricane
Stinson-Mosby.

Mosby-Stinson.

You named your
baby Hurricane?

That is...

ultimately inconsiderate
to the child

who has to live
with that name.

Okay, how the hell
does Barney have a baby?

No idea. Super confused.

I'm finding it best
to just sort of go with it.

She's super cute,
though, right?

Wait a minute.

Oh, guh! Hurricane
dookied in her drawers.

Ha-ha!
Poopy pants!

She needs
a new diaper.

Right. Where do you
keep your diapers?

We don't have any.

You don't... Wow.

Okay. (scoffs) I guess
I'll go buy some.

You're gonna be a mom and
you don't have any diapers?

Lord, watch over
that child.

Uh, okay.

Come here, you.

So, there was talk
of a cheese plate?

Hey.

Cheese?

Thanks.

If you don't mind
me asking...

what-what is
this all about?

I mean, you are one of the most
strong, independent,

non-locking-themselves-in-

a-bathroom-on-Thanksgiving
people I know.

Why-why are you so upset
about us moving?

Maybe I just need you guys
more than you think.

Is this about more
than us moving?

This is good cheese.

Robin?

Yeah?

Do you think I should've become
a Ghostbuster?

I think you made
the right call, buddy.

Okay, Ted, I'm not gonna ask you
where Barney got this baby.

But do you have any idea why?

Well, a few nights ago,
we were talking...

you know, "We hate girls,
we wish we were gay,"

just guy stuff.

And we kind of
sort of decided to...

adopt a baby.

Yeah, that's crazy.

I know.

Is it, though?

Yes.

I know.

But is it, though?

Yes.

Well, so what if it's crazy?

I've been ready to meet someone
to start a family with

for a long time now,
and I keep not meeting her.

Barney is one of my best friends
in the world, we rarely fight,

and once we iron out
the whole pet cobra thing,

we will be amazing dads.

Why shouldn't we try this?

When's the last time
you fed her?

She had some root beer
on the train.

Oh, Ted.
And I'm sorry,

but you cannot call
a baby Hurricane.

Actually, her name is Sadie.

James, what are you doing here?

Did Barney
not tell you

that we were coming
for Thanksgiving?

Uh, no.

Then he probably also
did not tell you

that he was babysitting
our new daughter.

This is your daughter?

Oh, thank God.

And congratulations.

Thanks. Come here.

Aw...
Aw...

I guess this is good-bye,
Hurri... Sadie.

Your name is Hurricane.
Don't ever forget it.

Go with him. Go on.

Come here.
That a girl.

Hey, Ted,

I overheard
your little speech.

It's not crazy.

About ten years ago,

my best friend and I
nearly did the same thing.

She was single, I was single,
we both wanted a family.

It made sense.

But now?

Every day, we thank our lucky
stars that we didn't do it.

'Cause what she found
with her husband

and what I found
with mine...

it was worth the wait.

Hurricane's
a cool name.

Isn't it, Tom?

The pet store
was closer,

so I just got her
some wee-wee pads.

Oh, I also got this.

It's beef-flavored
and it's good for her teeth.

James! Tom! Hey!

Lily...

did you get
the e-mail

that I sent you
about inviting

James and Tom
to Thanksgiving?

I sent it to your CompuServe.
That's your main one, right?

Happy Thanksgiving, bro.

- Thanks. Hi.
- Hey!

Let's go sit down.

Hi.

All right,
you got me.

James is my baby guy.

But these past three hours...
magical, right?

We can do this!
Say we can do this.

We can't do this.

Sorry, dude.

We got to wait
for the real thing...

no matter how tough it gets.

It gets pretty tough.

I know it does, buddy.

I have some time
before dinner, right?

I'm going to go...
I'm gonna take a little walk.

All right. All right.

God.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Are we still friends?

Hope so.

Good.

'Cause get this.

Ted almost adopted a baby.

Crazy, right?

Poor guy's going
through some stuff.

He actually tried
to rope me into it.

Can you imagine me
being someone's dad?

I'm pregnant.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

:02,540
both available,
and we have a baby.

Oh, who is this little angel?

Okay, real quick:
me and him,

not gay, single,
have a baby.

We should look
into having a sign made.

Kids, again, we were going
through a difficult time.

But this part was kind of fun.

Aw...!
So cute!

This is awesome.

Right?

Robin, come out
and talk to us.

I'm not coming out
of this bathroom

until everyone stops
acting crazy!

No one is being crazy.

Again, for the purposes
of this story...

Ted and I have
a baby. Crazy!

What the hell is that?

Guys, this is Hurricane
Stinson-Mosby.

Mosby-Stinson.

You named your
baby Hurricane?

That is...

ultimately inconsiderate
to the child

who has to live
with that name.

Okay, how the hell
does Barney have a baby?

No idea. Supe