How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 6, Episode 3 - Unfinished - full transcript

Kids, in my early
days of being a professor,

I had one simple goal:

give a lecture that
changes someone's life.

Then one afternoon in 2010,
I achieved that goal.

Unfinished.

Of all the words you could use
to describe La Sagrada Familia...

Brown, pointy, weird...

The one that really seems
to stick is "unfinished."

Why?

Because on June 7, 1926,
the architect Antoni Gaudi...

Whose beard was also brown,
pointy, weird and unfinished...

...was run over by a bus.

And so, his greatest masterpiece
would remain forever...

But first,
let's back up a few days.

Ted, look across the bar.

Three chicks:
one hot, one kind of hot

and one who I'm assuming
is really funny.

We ride!

What's wrong?

I don't know.

Got a burger coming.

Bro, I told you,

if you ever need a wingman,
I'm your guy.

Yeah, I'm not going to go
through that again.

Hi.

Barney Stinson.

And I'm Marshall,
Barney's wingman.

Thank you for your time.

Fine. I'll have a three-way
with hot and kind of hot

while Giggles works the camera.

I ride!

So, get this:

Last night, I was watching TV,
and it turns out,

some random satellite channel

picks up a certain
local Chicago newscast.

And now, the 11:00
News with Don Frank.

Oh, man, it's
bad enough

to have to go through
a horrible breakup,

but then have that
person pop up on your TV?

Are you okay?

Well, I'll admit, at first,
I felt a little weird.

But after the initial shock,
I realized something:

I've moved on.

Finished with that.

It was a peaceful
moment of closure.

That's great.

- Good on you.
- Yeah, thank you.

Where's the
poop, Robin?

Excuse me?

When I was a kid, I
had a dog named Bean.

Whenever he made the face
that you're making right now,

you just knew he pooped
somewhere in the house.

Where's the poop, Robin?

I don't know what you're talking
about. Where's the poop, Robin?

There's no poop.
Where's the poop?

Okay.

So it wasn't entirely
a peaceful moment of closure.

Hey, Don, here's
some breaking news:

there's a zit breaking out
on your forehead.

Finished with that.

Look, I'm not proud,
but Don left so quickly

that I never got the chance
to have that final showdown.

So yelling at him, even on TV,
felt kind of good.

And you know what?

Now I truly am over him.

That's great.
Thank you.

Good on you.

Where's the
poop, Robin?

Damn it!

Okay, in the process
of truly getting over him,

I may have called him

and left an...
indelicate voice mail.

I am gonna kill you.

I'm gonna fly to Chicago,
kill you,

put your stupid face
on a deep dish pizza and eat it.

And then maybe
catch a Bears game.

But mostly the killing
and eating your face thing.

Give me your phone.

We're deleting
Don's number.

Don't worry.

I am never doing that again.

It was a one-time thing.

Prove it.

Delete contact.

There. Deleted.

Back already.

How was flying solo?

And by "solo," I mean
so low that you got shot down.

Look, I didn't get shot down.

Trust me, I'll get the yes.

Barney Stinson
always gets the yes.

This is all

part of the plan.

After initial contact,

I'm now in the ignoring phase.

Barney, why can't you just
take a girl out to dinner

like a normal person?

Golden rule: I do not
buy dinner to get the yes.

Dinner's a very
intimate activity.

It requires

a level of connection
and eye contact

that sex just doesn't.

Call me old-fashioned,

but I need to have sex
with a girl at least three times

before I'll even consider
having dinner with her.

The next day,
at the university,

I had a surprise visitor.

What are you
doing here?

Oh, God!

You're dating
one of my students.

It's Rachel, isn't it?

Barney, I know
she wears provocative sweaters,

but she's 19!

Now I'm gonna have to hear

all about it, right?

Go on, tell me every detail.

No, you pent-up old perv.

I brought you
a present.

Recognize this?

It's my building.

Kids, you may remember that,
a few years earlier,

I was chosen to design
the new Manhattan headquarters

for Goliath National Bank.

It was the opportunity
every architect dreams about.

And when the project
was ultimately scrapped...

it broke my heart.

Do you remember how awesome
it was to be co-workers...

Nay, bro-workers?

Wait a minute.
Y-You don't mean...

Ted Mosby, it's back on.

We're gonna build
your building.

This is awesome... You're
designing our new headquarters.

Now, there will be
voices that tell you

a hockey rink on
the roof is unfeasible.

You've got to shut
those voices out.

Actually, I think
I'm gonna say no.

No? Are you kidding me?

But designing a building
in New York City

is your lifelong dream.

I do not want
to work for GNB again.

Those guys are evil.

No offense, Marshall.

Dude, none taken.

Yes, GNB is,
the Empire from Star Wars.

But the Death Star's gonna
get built either way.

And don't you think
the architect of the Death Star

is pretty psyched to have that
thing on his space resume?

I mean, yes,

his design was flawed
in the sense

that a single bullet
fired into a particular vent

would explode the whole thing.

For all we know,
that was the contractor's fault.

But that won't happen on
your watch... you know why?

Because you're Ted Mosby!

And you are gonna design
the most beautiful,

ventless, Rebel-proof building
in Manhattan,

with clearly marked
emergency stops

for every trash compactor
on the detention level.

Look, I know this is
hard to understand,

but right now, I have a quiet,
simple, happy little life.

And I like it that way.

I know what my answer has to be.

I can't take
the job, Barney.

I'm done with that life.

No hard feelings?

Of course not.

All right.

Hey, Professor Mosby.
Hey, Rachel.

And I thought that was
the end of the story.

But then that night...

I'm telling you,

no architect would ever design

a giant exposed vent right over
a Death Star's core reactor.

That's Space
Architecture 101.

It had to be the contractor.

Barney, back me up.

Barney.

Dude, this is important.

I need another drink.

Marshall, you want anything?

No, I'm fine.

Okay, I get that he's mad at me
for turning down the job,

but acting like
I'm not even here?

Wait, you turned down the job?
When?

This morning.

That's so weird.

Just, like, an hour ago,
when we were leaving work...

So, you still think
Ted's gonna take the job?

Please.

I'll get the yes.

Barney Stinson
always gets the yes.

Am I wrong or is that
exactly what Barney says

when he's putting the moves
on a girl?

Exactly. I mean,
it's almost like

he's putting the moves on you.

Yeah, more like the opposite.

He's been ignoring me all night.

Barney wants me
to take the job so bad

he's putting the moves on me?

I hope that's his end game.

Actually, I don't.

I like you two together.

I don't buy it.

That's crazy, even for Barney.

Okay, well, think about it.

We've seen his moves
countless times.

What does he do after
he's done ignoring a girl?

Chrissy, I love
your glasses.

Really?

They totally
pull focus up

from that whole chin
situation you got going on.

To Chrissy.

The backhanded compliment

to lower her self-esteem...
a proven winner.

But Barney hasn't done...

Ted, I admire your loyalty.

You've had
that hairstyle forever.

You don't care
that it's out of fashion

or that it's been co-opted
by the lesbian community.

You stick with it.

To Ted.

Hey, Lily!

Don't "Hey, Lily" me.

I smelled poop all the way
from the hallway.

Oh, no, not this again.

Where's the poop, Robin?

Okay, I left Don
another message.

"This just in"

is what I'm gonna say

when I'm stabbing you.

But that's impossible.

You deleted
his number.

I tried to.

But then this thing popped up

on my phone that said,
"Are you sure?"

And I wasn't sure.

I can't lie to my phone.

Oh, sweetie,
I totally understand.

Delete it!

It's not that easy, okay?

You're not just
deleting a number,

you're deleting
a part of your life.

You know, all those

memories, all those experiences.

It's like you're admitting
they're gone forever.

I know, sweetie.

I know.

Delete it!

Okay, if it's that easy,

I'm gonna delete one of
your numbers from your phone,

see how you like it.

My "plezh."

If you can find
a number in there

that I don't call regularly,
I'll gladly delete it.

Super Kicks Karate.

No, not that one.

That's my dojo.

You have a dojo?

I took an introductory
karate class.

Ops, wrong room.

Where do the grown-ups go
for the real karate class?

What's the matter, lady?

You scared?

Of you? Please.

I'm a kindergarten teacher.

I hated kindergarten.

All three times.

But I'm totally gonna
sign up for more lessons.

How long ago
did you take that class?

I don't know.

It was around the time

when everyone was going,
"Wassuuuuuuup!"

How do you even remember that?

Wassuuuuuup...!

Lily, this is a number
that you will never dial again.

I might.
No, no.

But you keep it in your phone

because it reminds you
of a version of yourself

that you could be, even if
it's a version of yourself

that you'll never become.

And that's okay.

No, it's not.

Okay, you know what?

There, gone.

Your move,
Scherbatsky.

I finally know
what your kind goes through.

I get it now.

For the last time,
I don't care how big it was,

it is not the same
as giving birth.

No!

Barney's been
"putting the moves" on Ted.

Oh, that sucks.

Although I like
you two together.

No, he's been doing it to try
to get Ted to design

the new GNB Tower.

Which moves
are we talking about?

Did he do the thing where
he brags on himself

in the form of a complaint?

Man, every time

I take out my business card

and women see the GNB logo,
they throw themselves at me.

I miss the chase.

It sucks!

Man, the courtside
Knicks seats

that are available to all
upper level GNB employees

are too close to the action.

I keep getting sweat on my suit.

It sucks!

Man,

GNB's benefits package
is so comprehensive

it gives me the freedom to see
any doctor I want.

It sucks!

He did.

And the intense eye contact
thing?

So, Ted,

would you like to split
some jalapeno poppers?

Okay.

Yep.

And the thing where he
establishs intimacy

through physical contact?

You know why jalapeño poppers
are so good?

It's the cream cheese.

That is so true.

Yeah...

Cream cheese has
a mild flav-flavor

so it... it balances out
the spiciness of the jal...

the spiciness of the...

Dude!

So at any point in this

did you say, "Barney,
I know what you're doing,

"and it's not going to work.

I am not taking that job"?

Well, I mean, not
exactly in those...

You're loving this.

No.

You are.

You're loving the attention.

It's nice to be wanted, okay?

And, yes, this is a new vest.
Thank you all for noticing.

Oh, that's right, you didn't.

Barney did!

Oh, Teddy,

you are so going
to spread your legs

and design that building.

I am not that kind
of architect.

So get this... Robin never
deleted Don's number.

Wait...

Oh, everyone thinks
it's so easy.

Give me your phone.

Let's delete
one of yours.

Okay.

No problem.

If you can find a number
that I don't need

or shouldn't have in here,
be my guest,

but good luck.

I keep my phone tight.

Edwin.
Oh, no, not that one.

That's the booker for the club
that my band plays at.

You know, my all-lawyer
funk band... you remember...

The Funk, the Whole Funk
and Nothing but the Funk.

* Your witness lied
so your case is sunk, hah! *

* I sentence you
to a life of funk *

* Counselors,
how do you plead? *

* Funky. *

Kick it.

You guys played one gig
four years ago.

I'm deleting it.

No, no, we're gonna... we're
gonna play another gig again.

Probably really soon.

It's just we all got
super busy, and...

We're not going to play
another gig again, are we?

Probably not, baby.

See, it's hard to hit
that delete button, isn't it?

Well, it's just that without
that number in my phone,

I'm just a corporate lawyer

working 60 very un-funky hours
a week.

Sorry, Marshall.

But if I have to, you have to.

Okay. Your turn.

Barney, I gotta
tell you something.

Oh, that reminds me.

I got you a little airplane.

It represents the spirit
of adventure.

Do you like it, Ted?

Do you?

Stop it.

Stop looking at me

like I'm the only person
in the world who matters.

I'm not designing the GNB Tower.

Yeah, I know.

You turned it down.

We hired someone else.

Can you believe it?

He's resorting
to the oldest move in the book.

The classic, "pretend to take
the offer off the table

so I'll want it more."

It's so obvious, right?

As if that's going to make me
be like,

"Oh, God, I never
should have said no."

It's not a move, dude.

I executed the paperwork for
the new architect this morning.

Barney wasn't lying.

Oh, God, I never should
have said no!

Come on, GNB didn't really
hire a new architect.

This is just one
of Barney's moves.

It's not a move, dude.

The senior partners
were getting impatient.

I thought you didn't
even want the job.

I didn't!

I don't!
I don't. I don't!

- Okay, I'll do it!
- What?

Ted, it's too late.

I'll design it for half

of what you're paying
the other architect.

And you know I will do stuff
they would never do.

Lobby stuff.

Wow, half?

Ted,

of behalf of Goliath
National Bank...

Okay, it's a move.

- What?
- Dude!

There is no other architect.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry I lied.

I was being Barney's wingman,

and I never get to be
the wingman.

You guys lied to me?

You're the world's
worst wingman.

You know what? I'm out of here.

I can do better.
Take me back.

You son of a bitch!

Look, I can't do business
with people who lie to me.

We only lied to you to make you
realize that you want this job.

No, I don't.

I mean, I know I said I did,

but that's only
because I fell for the same

creepy, pickup artist voodoo
of yours

that countless women...

236.

...before me fell for.

Wow, respect.

No... Ted...
you want to do this, okay?

You're just scared
of getting hurt again.

But you can't let fear
steal your funk.

That is good.
There is a song in there.

Excuse me.

Come on, Ted!

This is your dream.

No, it's not. Not anymore.
And you know what?

Letting go of that dream was
the best decision I ever made.

You guys actually think

I have some lingering itch
to be an architect?

Work 20 hours
a day and weekends?

To get ulcers and pull my hair
out and worry and doubt myself

and then at the end of it all,

have the rug pulled out
from under me?

I love being a professor, okay?

All that stupid crap
they tell you

about how fulfilling
teaching is?

It's all true.

I'm happy, and I'm not
letting go of that.

My answer's no.

Hey, guys.

Where's the poop, Robin?

How do you do that?

You are like a bomb-sniffing
dog, except with poop.

You are a poop-sniffing dog.

I think that's
just called a dog.

Where's the poop, Robin?

Fine. I called Don again.

Hey, Don!
It's Robin again.

Look, I am sorry
for all the calls.

It's just,
I saw you on the news,

and it made me a little crazy
for a minute.

I guess I wasn't as
over our breakup as I thought.

But I want to say,

from the bottom of my heart,

I am going to kill you.

No... No, I'm not.

I am happy for you.

And that Asian slut
on your Facebook page.

She's dead, too.

I thought you
deleted his number.

I did, but it turns
out, I memorized it.

You can't delete contacts
from your brain, Lily.

Well, you have to try.

If you ever want
to have closure...

I am never going
to have closure.

Okay? Closure
doesn't exist.

Okay, one day, Don and I
are moving in together,

and the next
thing I know,

he's on a plane
to Chicago.

It just... ended.

And no matter how much I try
to forget that it happened,

it will have never
not happened.

Don and I will always
be a loose end.

We'll always be...

Unfinished.

Gaudi, to his credit,
never gave up on his dream,

but that's not
usually how it goes.

I mean, usually,
it isn't a speeding bus

that keeps the brown, pointy,
weird church from getting built.

Most of the time,
it's just too difficult

or too expensive,
or too scary.

It's only once you've stopped

that you realize how hard it is
to start again.

So you force yourself
not to want it.

But it's always there.

And until you finish it,
it will always be...

* You keep on searching *

* While you're
waiting for that sound *

* What you find *

* Ain't what
you had in mind... *

Hey, Barney.
Hey, Rachel.

Rachel, why aren't
you in class?

Why aren't you in class?

Yeah, Ted.
Why aren't you in class?

You son of a bitch.

I'll call Marshall.

We'll draw up the contract.

Not so fast.

I'm not that easy.

And so I made Barney
break his golden rule.

I made him take me
out to dinner

before I finally gave him
the thing he always got.

Yes.

And even though
it didn't happen right away...

And now, the 11:00
News with Don Frank.

Bueno?

Who is this?

No hablo ingles.

Quien es?

I'm sorry. Is this 917-456...

I'm sorry, 465...

No, wait.

Robin finally
got some closure, too.

Sorry. Wrong number.

Finished with that.

Hey, punk!

Bit of advice.

Next time you step on a
kindergarten teacher's neck,

you better finish the job.

I knew this day would come.