How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 6, Episode 2 - Cleaning House - full transcript
The gang accompanies Barney and his brother James after they find the man who may be Barney's father, but it turns out to be James' father instead.
So, this chick and I are going at it
behind the Central Park Zoo.
The bonobo chimps
start giving us a standing "O."
And just when I'm about to give her
the same thing... what up...
l-l...
I can't. I just... I can't.
Guys, I know you count
the minutes...
until you can escape from your humdrum lives
by hearing how awesome mine is.
And I love doing that for you.
But I just can't tonight.
- What's wrong?
- I don't wanna talk about it.
Okay. Hey, you guys
see Deadliest Catch last night?
Did I ever!
All right!
I'll tell you.
My mother is selling
the house I grew up in.
All of my childhood memories gone...
just like that.
That sucks.
I've been there, buddy.
What are you talking about? Your mother
still lives in the house you grew up in.
With her new
hippie husband Clint.
The comfort of home is a little ruined
when someone turns your old room...
into what I'm pretty sure
is a tantric sex temple.
With all the bamboo,
pot smoke and '60s music...
it's like my old G. I. Joes
are frozen in some weird Vietnam flashback.
Anyway, I need you guys...
to come out to Staten Island on Saturday
and help box everything up.
You expect us
to spend a whole day...
packing up your mom's house?
No, of course not.
It's a two-day job.
- Uh, pass.
- Same.
Unsubscribe.
You guys are adorable.
You seriously believe that I,
Barney Stinson, can't talk you into this?
- I got the queen to give me a fist bump.
- No one believes that story.
You may be able to talk the brain surgeons
you pick up into doing whatever you want...
but it's not gonna work on us.
Mmm.
How did he do that?
So there we were,
helping Barney pack up his childhood home.
Whoa, Ted, that thing you're packing's
way too big to fit in that box.
- Yeah, that's what your mom said.
- How dare you!
No, she actually said that.
Oh, dear. I thought I told you
that's just not gonna fit in there.
Oh.
Someone order something
tall, dark and awesome?
- Hey.
- Bro!
How you doin'?
- Hey.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Mama.
- Look at my two sons.
So big and strong and handsome.
- Uh, Mom.
- Stop.
And how is my delicious little grandson?
- Oh, did he get the clothes I sent him?
- Check it.
- Huh? Oh!
- Ah!
How cute is that, right?
When was the last time you saw...
a diaper poking out of
a Dolce & Gabbana suit?
Tuesday, at work.
Some of the senior partners
are really getting up there.
So, Ted, yesterday at work...
I totally talked you up to that
super-hot make-up girl Liz.
Oh, yeah? What'd you say?
Oh, you know, how funny you are.
- Guilty.
- Handsome.
Who, me?
Incredible lover.
- Really?
- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
I was all, like...
he knows a woman's body better
than she knows her own.
Endless waves of pleasure...
just cresting and breaking
for hours and hours, blah, blah, blah.
Orgasms so intense
you just black out.
All that stuff.
Robin, how can I possibly
live up to that review?
What? You know what
you're doing down there.
Oh, Teddy Westside can bring it.
We know this.
But that is not the point.
You broke the first rule of
setting people up... undersell.
It's like if someone's
never seen The Karate Kid...
you don't say,
"It's the greatest movie ever."
You say, "Uh, it's pretty good."
And then they see it,
and it blows their freakin' mind.
'Cause Cobra Kai Sensei's
all, like, "Sweep the leg!"
And Daniel-san's all, like,
"Ahh-ahh-ahh."
Maybe I did oversell you a bit.
Thank you guys so much
for helping us out with this stuff.
Oh, it gives us a rare insight
into the makings of Barney Stinson.
- Hmm.
- Hey, look at this.
Who was a cute little basketball player...
before he became
the biggest pervert in the world?
I loved pee-wee basketball.
Well, until they
kicked me off the team.
I was so awesome...
the coach asked me to quit because
it wasn't fair to the other kids.
That sounds plausible.
Hey, it's true.
Tell 'em, James.
Oh, yeah. He had, like,
a four-foot vertical leap.
He would hit it from the outside,
hit it from the inside.
He sucked.
Coach cut him from the team, and Mom
fed him that story so he'd feel better.
Oh, my God. Look at this.
My letter from
the postmaster general.
I still can't believe
he took the time to write this.
"Dear Barney"...
"I sincerely apologize
about losing all the invitations...
you sent out to your
eighth birthday party.
That's why none of your
classmates showed up.
Not because you threw up when they
turned the lights off at the planetarium.
Ah, no one even noticed that.
Also, Janey Masterson's mother
is a whore...
and, with gin on her breath
at 10:00 in the morning...
she's got some nerve
kicking us out of the carpool.
Love, Postmaster General."
Thank you!
- Does your mom make stuff like that up a lot?
- Constantly.
I mean, she put more effort
into some lies than others.
Mom, who's my dad?
All the other kids at school
know who their dad is. Who's mine?
I don't know.
That guy.
Uh, you've all heard about...
Did she tell you that Bob Barker
was your dad too?
No, no, no.
I heard Flip Wilson, Bill Cosby...
James Earl Jones,
Meadowlark Lemon.
The list goes on.
I still can't get a straight answer
about who my real dad is.
And Barney's no help. He still believes
every lie that my mom told us growing up.
Not me.
I caught on early.
Careful!
Michael Jackson
sent me this glove for my 10th...
Damn.
Wow. Loretta really
lied a lot to her kids.
Well, she's not alone.
Whenever Marshall
was acting too hyper...
his mom would suddenly
decide he was "sick"...
and give him cough medicine
until he passed out.
I'm pretty sure that's
what stunted my growth.
I hit 6'4" in the fifth grade,
and then I just stopped.
And then there's the most
popular parental lie in history... Santa.
Yeah, but that's a good lie.
Like when we tell Ted he'll meet
the right girl and settle down.
I always find that reassuring.
- You will meet her, buddy.
- Ya think so?
Yeah.
Santa's still a lie,
and I'm not lying to our kids.
Baby, it's Santa.
Don't you want our kids goin' to sleep on
Christmas Eve with their hearts full of hope...
Don't you want our kids goin' to sleep on
Christmas Eve with their hearts full of hope...
their heads full of
crazy cough syrup nightmares...
knowing that downstairs Kris Kringle
is stuffing their stockings full of joy...
and stuffing his belly full of milk
and lutefisk that they left him?
Milk and lutefisk? Santa doesn't
get cookies in Minnesota?
Yeah, that's just what Santa
needs at 3:00 a. m...
when he's battling a snowstorm
over the Rockies... a sugar crash.
No, Santa needs protein.
I'm not lying to our kids.
I'm not lying to our kids.
Ah, valentines...
the second base of third grade.
I always got a valentine
from every single girl in my class.
Funny how all these girls have
the exact same handwriting...
as the postmaster general,
Mom...
and home run king
"Frank" Aaron.
Yeah, schoolgirls.
The more they ignore you,
pretend to hate your guts...
Iock you in the coatroom
over winter break...
the more they secretly like you.
This isn't...
Who's Sam Gibbs?
- No idea. Why?
- Oh.
Mom addressed this
and never sent it.
What's in it?
l...
Hey, it's a picture of you and me
when we were little kids.
On the back,
Mom wrote "Your son."
Okay, everyone, lunch is ready.
Who wants sloppy joes?
Mom, who's Sam Gibbs?
That doesn't sound familiar.
Who wants sloppy joes?
There's a picture of me and Barney
in an envelope addressed to him.
And you wrote "Your son"
on the back.
Oh, no, that...
It says "Yourson."
For Yourson, North Dakota.
That's where we took the picture.
Lovely town.
We went kayaking,
and you two rescued the mayor's dog,
which had wandered into the rapids.
Then Mayor Sam Gibbs asked for your pictures
so the city could make statues of you both.
I guess I never sent it.
That's embarrassing.
Now, how about
those sloppy joes?
If this picture was taken in North Dakota, then
why is our old swing set in the background?
I don't know!
I did my best as a single parent...
and it wasn't always easy.
And I'd recommend putting
the coleslaw right on top of the sloppy joe.
Because it's delicious.
That's why!
Can you believe her?
I know.
Forgetting to send the photo.
That poor sculptor
had to work from memory.
Those statues probably
look nothing like us.
Damn it, Mom!
- So, Ted.
- Hmm?
You were worried that
I oversold you to Liz. Well, I fixed it.
- How?
- I sent her another e-mail.
"Dear Liz, I hope it didn't sound
like I was trying to oversell Ted.
The truth is, he is a genuinely nice,
down-to-earth guy...
and I think you two
would really hit it off."
Thank you. Thank you. That's perfect.
That totally takes the pressure off.
"Is he gonna rock your world
in bed? No.
But he's clean, open to criticism
and not into anything too weird.
He's not bad at all.
- Not bad at all."
- See, now you went too far
in the other direction.
"I'll be honest, the first few times
aren't gonna be that great.
He's gonna say 'A re you finished? ' more
times than a waiter at a busy restaurant."
Stop!
Listen to me.
There is no Yourson, North Dakota.
- Mom...
- And Sam Gibbs wasn't the mayor.
He might be one of our fathers.
He's not my dad.
My dad's Bob Barker.
Barney, you've gotta stop livin'
in these fairy tales that Mom told us.
Bob Barker is not your father.
Sam Gibbs might be.
But Bob Barker is absolutely,
unequivocally not your father!
- I suppose you have a problem
with the Easter Bunny too.
- Not now.
This address isn't too far.
Are you comin' with me or not?
So we're doing this?
We're really gonna go disturb
the peaceful Long Island retirement...
of the former mayor of Yourson,
North Dakota, on a Sunday afternoon.
Real classy, James.
Real classy.
You're just too scared
to face the truth.
You are living in a dream world.
Maybe we shouldn't have
brought these sloppy joes.
Hey, what's done is done.
"Ted Mosby is solid as a rock."
- Mmm.
- No. Dependable.
No. Rugged. No...
Why don't I just go to the Chevy Web site
and copy down adjectives?
I just wanna hit
that perfect middle ground.
How about we just go
wildly to both extremes...
and just let them
balance each other out?
"Ted Mosby is really handsome,
but extremely violent...
and really rich,
but lacks bladder control."
- Oh, damn.
- What?
- That last bump just made me hit "send."
- No, no.
Don't worry. I'm sure that everyone
will get it's a joke.
No, they won't.
They're gonna think...
Wait. "Everyone"?
"Really rich"?
- You ready for this?
- For what?
I don't know who lives here,
but it's not my dad.
Wait, wait.
Please stop.
Just give me a second.
Okay?
- I thought you said that he wa...
- Stop. Come on.
I know Bob Barker's not really, you know...
I'm not crazy.
I just...
I needed that.
I know it may sound stupid, but I didn't
always feel so great about myself growing up...
and so having a celebrity dad
made me feel special.
But you're right, James.
It's time to let go of the fantasies.
It's time to grow up.
Come here.
Can I help you?
Yeah, um...
- You're Sam Gibbs?
- Yes.
I'm James Stinson.
And, uh, I think you may have known
my mother, Loretta Stinson...
in the '70s.
Loretta.
Yeah.
Yeah, l-l-l-I knew Loretta.
My mother meant to send you this.
You're my son.
God, this must be
so hard for Barney.
Yeah, but you know what?
He took a big step today.
Papa!
Uh-oh.
Look at us!
It's like three of the same guy.
Oh, my God.
This explains why I was always
so awesome at basketball.
Guys, I'm black.
Sorry.
African-American.
No. I'm allowed to say either.
I gotta go get my camera!
That is my younger brother,
Barney.
He just thought he'd meet his real dad today,
and clearly he's not taking it so well.
Well, my head's
kind of spinning too.
I mean, Loretta and I only saw each other
for a couple of months.
You were two before
I even knew you existed.
And at that point, your mother made it very clear
she was gonna raise you on her own.
I felt I had to respect her wishes.
But I always wanted to meet you.
Wait, Barney and James
are two years apart.
If Sam only knew Loretta for a few months,
he couldn't possibly be Barney's father.
He's also quite the detective.
Don't worry. We'II, uh... We'll snap Barney
out of this when he gets back.
Or, uh, we could just let him
have this one.
- Are you kidding?
- Guys, Barney's losing his childhood home.
He finally admitted
Bob Barker's not his dad.
And then he watched James
meet his real father.
It's just a lot to go through
in one afternoon.
Can't we just let the guy
be black for a day?
Here, Ted!
Capture the moment!
I think you'd need
Salvador Dali...
to capture this particular moment,
but I'll give it a whirl.
Man, I thought I was
a light-skinned Caucasian...
but in truth I'm a really light-skinned
African-American.
Man, try to hail a cab
in Manhattan.
Am I right?
Nope.
No one's stoppin' for this.
These guys don't understand
what I'm talkin' about.
During that afternoon...
Sam and James began to discover
how much they had in common.
# When the night has come #
Mmm.
# Oh, and the land is dark #
Come on, you know this.
Come on.
- # And the moon #
- # The moon #
# Is the only #
# Light we'll see #
# Light we'll see
Light we'll see #
- # Oh, I won't #
- # No, I won't #
- # Be afraid #
- Hey! Ho!
# Oh, I won't shed a tear #
# No, I won't shed no tear #
# Not as long #
# As you stand #
- # Stand by me #
- # Stand by me #
There you go.
Come on.
# Whenever you're in trouble #
# Won't ya stand #
# Stand by me #
- # Stand #
- # Won't you stand by #
# Won't you stand by #
Hey!
# Just stand ##
- Weird day.
- Weird day.
Hey, look at that.
Liz still wants to meet you.
- That's great!
- Mm-hmm.
I guess.
Wait a minute.
You said Liz was a total 10.
Why would she wanna meet
the incontinent freak show you described?
- Um...
- You oversold her.
- Maybe a little.
- You said she was a 10.
I did not specify on what scale.
You said she looked
like a movie star.
She does.
It's Robert De Niro.
But like super buff,
like in Cape Fear.
Dad, look how fast I can run.
He's actually a really sweet guy...
and he's great with my son.
I have a grandson?
Uh...
His name is Eli.
He's beautiful.
Dad, you're not looking.
Eventually
the strangest afternoon of our lives...
wound to a close...
and we headed back
to Staten Island...
where Barney and his mom
had a long-overdue heart-to-heart.
Barney, I need to talk to you.
Uh, me first.
Mom, there's something
that I need to ask you...
and l... I want you
to be honest with me.
Why do white people
like Carrot Top?
Listen.
I always wanted to be
enough for you boys.
I think that's why it always hurt...
whenever you asked
about your dads...
because I was always trying so hard
to be both parents for you.
But I was being selfish.
You deserve the truth,
so here it is.
Sam is not your father.
Are you sure?
Yes.
He's black, dear.
But if you want, I can tell you
who your father really is.
And at that moment,
Barney suddenly saw his childhood...
more clearly
than he ever had before.
I'm sorry, but your son can't be
on the team. He's terrible.
What did Coach say, Ma?
He said you're simply too good
to be on the team.
It's not fair to the other boys.
But that's okay.
We can just play together
in the backyard.
Why didn't anyone come?
Oh, you know what, dear?
Apparently there was a mix-up
with the mail.
I just got this letter
from the postmaster general.
"Dear Barney...
I sincerely apologize
for losing all the invitations...
you sent out to your
eighth birthday party."
- Barney.
- It's okay, Mom. I don't need it.
But it's your father.
I already have a father.
And his name...
is Loretta.
Kids, your Uncle Barney
grew up without a dad...
and it always
made him feel incomplete.
But as he hugged Loretta, surrounded by the
boxed-up remnants of his happy childhood...
he realized he had
one hell of a mom.
# If the sky #
- # We look upon #
- # Mmm-mmm-mmm #
# Should tumble and fall #
# Or the mountains #
# Should crumble #
# To the sea
To the sea ##
Wait, Dad, James.
Where you goin'?
That's the best part.
Can we go camping?
English - US - SDH
behind the Central Park Zoo.
The bonobo chimps
start giving us a standing "O."
And just when I'm about to give her
the same thing... what up...
l-l...
I can't. I just... I can't.
Guys, I know you count
the minutes...
until you can escape from your humdrum lives
by hearing how awesome mine is.
And I love doing that for you.
But I just can't tonight.
- What's wrong?
- I don't wanna talk about it.
Okay. Hey, you guys
see Deadliest Catch last night?
Did I ever!
All right!
I'll tell you.
My mother is selling
the house I grew up in.
All of my childhood memories gone...
just like that.
That sucks.
I've been there, buddy.
What are you talking about? Your mother
still lives in the house you grew up in.
With her new
hippie husband Clint.
The comfort of home is a little ruined
when someone turns your old room...
into what I'm pretty sure
is a tantric sex temple.
With all the bamboo,
pot smoke and '60s music...
it's like my old G. I. Joes
are frozen in some weird Vietnam flashback.
Anyway, I need you guys...
to come out to Staten Island on Saturday
and help box everything up.
You expect us
to spend a whole day...
packing up your mom's house?
No, of course not.
It's a two-day job.
- Uh, pass.
- Same.
Unsubscribe.
You guys are adorable.
You seriously believe that I,
Barney Stinson, can't talk you into this?
- I got the queen to give me a fist bump.
- No one believes that story.
You may be able to talk the brain surgeons
you pick up into doing whatever you want...
but it's not gonna work on us.
Mmm.
How did he do that?
So there we were,
helping Barney pack up his childhood home.
Whoa, Ted, that thing you're packing's
way too big to fit in that box.
- Yeah, that's what your mom said.
- How dare you!
No, she actually said that.
Oh, dear. I thought I told you
that's just not gonna fit in there.
Oh.
Someone order something
tall, dark and awesome?
- Hey.
- Bro!
How you doin'?
- Hey.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Mama.
- Look at my two sons.
So big and strong and handsome.
- Uh, Mom.
- Stop.
And how is my delicious little grandson?
- Oh, did he get the clothes I sent him?
- Check it.
- Huh? Oh!
- Ah!
How cute is that, right?
When was the last time you saw...
a diaper poking out of
a Dolce & Gabbana suit?
Tuesday, at work.
Some of the senior partners
are really getting up there.
So, Ted, yesterday at work...
I totally talked you up to that
super-hot make-up girl Liz.
Oh, yeah? What'd you say?
Oh, you know, how funny you are.
- Guilty.
- Handsome.
Who, me?
Incredible lover.
- Really?
- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
I was all, like...
he knows a woman's body better
than she knows her own.
Endless waves of pleasure...
just cresting and breaking
for hours and hours, blah, blah, blah.
Orgasms so intense
you just black out.
All that stuff.
Robin, how can I possibly
live up to that review?
What? You know what
you're doing down there.
Oh, Teddy Westside can bring it.
We know this.
But that is not the point.
You broke the first rule of
setting people up... undersell.
It's like if someone's
never seen The Karate Kid...
you don't say,
"It's the greatest movie ever."
You say, "Uh, it's pretty good."
And then they see it,
and it blows their freakin' mind.
'Cause Cobra Kai Sensei's
all, like, "Sweep the leg!"
And Daniel-san's all, like,
"Ahh-ahh-ahh."
Maybe I did oversell you a bit.
Thank you guys so much
for helping us out with this stuff.
Oh, it gives us a rare insight
into the makings of Barney Stinson.
- Hmm.
- Hey, look at this.
Who was a cute little basketball player...
before he became
the biggest pervert in the world?
I loved pee-wee basketball.
Well, until they
kicked me off the team.
I was so awesome...
the coach asked me to quit because
it wasn't fair to the other kids.
That sounds plausible.
Hey, it's true.
Tell 'em, James.
Oh, yeah. He had, like,
a four-foot vertical leap.
He would hit it from the outside,
hit it from the inside.
He sucked.
Coach cut him from the team, and Mom
fed him that story so he'd feel better.
Oh, my God. Look at this.
My letter from
the postmaster general.
I still can't believe
he took the time to write this.
"Dear Barney"...
"I sincerely apologize
about losing all the invitations...
you sent out to your
eighth birthday party.
That's why none of your
classmates showed up.
Not because you threw up when they
turned the lights off at the planetarium.
Ah, no one even noticed that.
Also, Janey Masterson's mother
is a whore...
and, with gin on her breath
at 10:00 in the morning...
she's got some nerve
kicking us out of the carpool.
Love, Postmaster General."
Thank you!
- Does your mom make stuff like that up a lot?
- Constantly.
I mean, she put more effort
into some lies than others.
Mom, who's my dad?
All the other kids at school
know who their dad is. Who's mine?
I don't know.
That guy.
Uh, you've all heard about...
Did she tell you that Bob Barker
was your dad too?
No, no, no.
I heard Flip Wilson, Bill Cosby...
James Earl Jones,
Meadowlark Lemon.
The list goes on.
I still can't get a straight answer
about who my real dad is.
And Barney's no help. He still believes
every lie that my mom told us growing up.
Not me.
I caught on early.
Careful!
Michael Jackson
sent me this glove for my 10th...
Damn.
Wow. Loretta really
lied a lot to her kids.
Well, she's not alone.
Whenever Marshall
was acting too hyper...
his mom would suddenly
decide he was "sick"...
and give him cough medicine
until he passed out.
I'm pretty sure that's
what stunted my growth.
I hit 6'4" in the fifth grade,
and then I just stopped.
And then there's the most
popular parental lie in history... Santa.
Yeah, but that's a good lie.
Like when we tell Ted he'll meet
the right girl and settle down.
I always find that reassuring.
- You will meet her, buddy.
- Ya think so?
Yeah.
Santa's still a lie,
and I'm not lying to our kids.
Baby, it's Santa.
Don't you want our kids goin' to sleep on
Christmas Eve with their hearts full of hope...
Don't you want our kids goin' to sleep on
Christmas Eve with their hearts full of hope...
their heads full of
crazy cough syrup nightmares...
knowing that downstairs Kris Kringle
is stuffing their stockings full of joy...
and stuffing his belly full of milk
and lutefisk that they left him?
Milk and lutefisk? Santa doesn't
get cookies in Minnesota?
Yeah, that's just what Santa
needs at 3:00 a. m...
when he's battling a snowstorm
over the Rockies... a sugar crash.
No, Santa needs protein.
I'm not lying to our kids.
I'm not lying to our kids.
Ah, valentines...
the second base of third grade.
I always got a valentine
from every single girl in my class.
Funny how all these girls have
the exact same handwriting...
as the postmaster general,
Mom...
and home run king
"Frank" Aaron.
Yeah, schoolgirls.
The more they ignore you,
pretend to hate your guts...
Iock you in the coatroom
over winter break...
the more they secretly like you.
This isn't...
Who's Sam Gibbs?
- No idea. Why?
- Oh.
Mom addressed this
and never sent it.
What's in it?
l...
Hey, it's a picture of you and me
when we were little kids.
On the back,
Mom wrote "Your son."
Okay, everyone, lunch is ready.
Who wants sloppy joes?
Mom, who's Sam Gibbs?
That doesn't sound familiar.
Who wants sloppy joes?
There's a picture of me and Barney
in an envelope addressed to him.
And you wrote "Your son"
on the back.
Oh, no, that...
It says "Yourson."
For Yourson, North Dakota.
That's where we took the picture.
Lovely town.
We went kayaking,
and you two rescued the mayor's dog,
which had wandered into the rapids.
Then Mayor Sam Gibbs asked for your pictures
so the city could make statues of you both.
I guess I never sent it.
That's embarrassing.
Now, how about
those sloppy joes?
If this picture was taken in North Dakota, then
why is our old swing set in the background?
I don't know!
I did my best as a single parent...
and it wasn't always easy.
And I'd recommend putting
the coleslaw right on top of the sloppy joe.
Because it's delicious.
That's why!
Can you believe her?
I know.
Forgetting to send the photo.
That poor sculptor
had to work from memory.
Those statues probably
look nothing like us.
Damn it, Mom!
- So, Ted.
- Hmm?
You were worried that
I oversold you to Liz. Well, I fixed it.
- How?
- I sent her another e-mail.
"Dear Liz, I hope it didn't sound
like I was trying to oversell Ted.
The truth is, he is a genuinely nice,
down-to-earth guy...
and I think you two
would really hit it off."
Thank you. Thank you. That's perfect.
That totally takes the pressure off.
"Is he gonna rock your world
in bed? No.
But he's clean, open to criticism
and not into anything too weird.
He's not bad at all.
- Not bad at all."
- See, now you went too far
in the other direction.
"I'll be honest, the first few times
aren't gonna be that great.
He's gonna say 'A re you finished? ' more
times than a waiter at a busy restaurant."
Stop!
Listen to me.
There is no Yourson, North Dakota.
- Mom...
- And Sam Gibbs wasn't the mayor.
He might be one of our fathers.
He's not my dad.
My dad's Bob Barker.
Barney, you've gotta stop livin'
in these fairy tales that Mom told us.
Bob Barker is not your father.
Sam Gibbs might be.
But Bob Barker is absolutely,
unequivocally not your father!
- I suppose you have a problem
with the Easter Bunny too.
- Not now.
This address isn't too far.
Are you comin' with me or not?
So we're doing this?
We're really gonna go disturb
the peaceful Long Island retirement...
of the former mayor of Yourson,
North Dakota, on a Sunday afternoon.
Real classy, James.
Real classy.
You're just too scared
to face the truth.
You are living in a dream world.
Maybe we shouldn't have
brought these sloppy joes.
Hey, what's done is done.
"Ted Mosby is solid as a rock."
- Mmm.
- No. Dependable.
No. Rugged. No...
Why don't I just go to the Chevy Web site
and copy down adjectives?
I just wanna hit
that perfect middle ground.
How about we just go
wildly to both extremes...
and just let them
balance each other out?
"Ted Mosby is really handsome,
but extremely violent...
and really rich,
but lacks bladder control."
- Oh, damn.
- What?
- That last bump just made me hit "send."
- No, no.
Don't worry. I'm sure that everyone
will get it's a joke.
No, they won't.
They're gonna think...
Wait. "Everyone"?
"Really rich"?
- You ready for this?
- For what?
I don't know who lives here,
but it's not my dad.
Wait, wait.
Please stop.
Just give me a second.
Okay?
- I thought you said that he wa...
- Stop. Come on.
I know Bob Barker's not really, you know...
I'm not crazy.
I just...
I needed that.
I know it may sound stupid, but I didn't
always feel so great about myself growing up...
and so having a celebrity dad
made me feel special.
But you're right, James.
It's time to let go of the fantasies.
It's time to grow up.
Come here.
Can I help you?
Yeah, um...
- You're Sam Gibbs?
- Yes.
I'm James Stinson.
And, uh, I think you may have known
my mother, Loretta Stinson...
in the '70s.
Loretta.
Yeah.
Yeah, l-l-l-I knew Loretta.
My mother meant to send you this.
You're my son.
God, this must be
so hard for Barney.
Yeah, but you know what?
He took a big step today.
Papa!
Uh-oh.
Look at us!
It's like three of the same guy.
Oh, my God.
This explains why I was always
so awesome at basketball.
Guys, I'm black.
Sorry.
African-American.
No. I'm allowed to say either.
I gotta go get my camera!
That is my younger brother,
Barney.
He just thought he'd meet his real dad today,
and clearly he's not taking it so well.
Well, my head's
kind of spinning too.
I mean, Loretta and I only saw each other
for a couple of months.
You were two before
I even knew you existed.
And at that point, your mother made it very clear
she was gonna raise you on her own.
I felt I had to respect her wishes.
But I always wanted to meet you.
Wait, Barney and James
are two years apart.
If Sam only knew Loretta for a few months,
he couldn't possibly be Barney's father.
He's also quite the detective.
Don't worry. We'II, uh... We'll snap Barney
out of this when he gets back.
Or, uh, we could just let him
have this one.
- Are you kidding?
- Guys, Barney's losing his childhood home.
He finally admitted
Bob Barker's not his dad.
And then he watched James
meet his real father.
It's just a lot to go through
in one afternoon.
Can't we just let the guy
be black for a day?
Here, Ted!
Capture the moment!
I think you'd need
Salvador Dali...
to capture this particular moment,
but I'll give it a whirl.
Man, I thought I was
a light-skinned Caucasian...
but in truth I'm a really light-skinned
African-American.
Man, try to hail a cab
in Manhattan.
Am I right?
Nope.
No one's stoppin' for this.
These guys don't understand
what I'm talkin' about.
During that afternoon...
Sam and James began to discover
how much they had in common.
# When the night has come #
Mmm.
# Oh, and the land is dark #
Come on, you know this.
Come on.
- # And the moon #
- # The moon #
# Is the only #
# Light we'll see #
# Light we'll see
Light we'll see #
- # Oh, I won't #
- # No, I won't #
- # Be afraid #
- Hey! Ho!
# Oh, I won't shed a tear #
# No, I won't shed no tear #
# Not as long #
# As you stand #
- # Stand by me #
- # Stand by me #
There you go.
Come on.
# Whenever you're in trouble #
# Won't ya stand #
# Stand by me #
- # Stand #
- # Won't you stand by #
# Won't you stand by #
Hey!
# Just stand ##
- Weird day.
- Weird day.
Hey, look at that.
Liz still wants to meet you.
- That's great!
- Mm-hmm.
I guess.
Wait a minute.
You said Liz was a total 10.
Why would she wanna meet
the incontinent freak show you described?
- Um...
- You oversold her.
- Maybe a little.
- You said she was a 10.
I did not specify on what scale.
You said she looked
like a movie star.
She does.
It's Robert De Niro.
But like super buff,
like in Cape Fear.
Dad, look how fast I can run.
He's actually a really sweet guy...
and he's great with my son.
I have a grandson?
Uh...
His name is Eli.
He's beautiful.
Dad, you're not looking.
Eventually
the strangest afternoon of our lives...
wound to a close...
and we headed back
to Staten Island...
where Barney and his mom
had a long-overdue heart-to-heart.
Barney, I need to talk to you.
Uh, me first.
Mom, there's something
that I need to ask you...
and l... I want you
to be honest with me.
Why do white people
like Carrot Top?
Listen.
I always wanted to be
enough for you boys.
I think that's why it always hurt...
whenever you asked
about your dads...
because I was always trying so hard
to be both parents for you.
But I was being selfish.
You deserve the truth,
so here it is.
Sam is not your father.
Are you sure?
Yes.
He's black, dear.
But if you want, I can tell you
who your father really is.
And at that moment,
Barney suddenly saw his childhood...
more clearly
than he ever had before.
I'm sorry, but your son can't be
on the team. He's terrible.
What did Coach say, Ma?
He said you're simply too good
to be on the team.
It's not fair to the other boys.
But that's okay.
We can just play together
in the backyard.
Why didn't anyone come?
Oh, you know what, dear?
Apparently there was a mix-up
with the mail.
I just got this letter
from the postmaster general.
"Dear Barney...
I sincerely apologize
for losing all the invitations...
you sent out to your
eighth birthday party."
- Barney.
- It's okay, Mom. I don't need it.
But it's your father.
I already have a father.
And his name...
is Loretta.
Kids, your Uncle Barney
grew up without a dad...
and it always
made him feel incomplete.
But as he hugged Loretta, surrounded by the
boxed-up remnants of his happy childhood...
he realized he had
one hell of a mom.
# If the sky #
- # We look upon #
- # Mmm-mmm-mmm #
# Should tumble and fall #
# Or the mountains #
# Should crumble #
# To the sea
To the sea ##
Wait, Dad, James.
Where you goin'?
That's the best part.
Can we go camping?
English - US - SDH