How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 6, Episode 20 - The Exploding Meatball Sub - full transcript
Despite Zoey still opposing the new GNB headquarters being built on the Arcadian Hotel site, Ted and Zoey's personal relationship is thriving. That issue is only one of the many ...
NARRATOR:
Kids, as you know,
I was designing
Goliath National Bank's
new headquarters on the site of
this old hotel, The Arcadian.
(crowd clamoring)
Problem was,
some people didn't want
The Arcadian torn down.
Even bigger problem, they were
led by my girlfriend Zoey.
G-N-B is
the e-ne-my!
Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on!
Hey, sweetie!
Are we still on for dinner
at 8:00 at Valenzisi's?
That's great! I can't wait!
CROWD: That's great. I can't wait!
That's great. I can't wait!
But somehow, Zoey and I were
making it work.
Ted, why are you dating
our arch-enemy?!
I mean, Wile E.
Coyote wasn't trying
to sleep with
the Roadrunner.
Or maybe he was.
Think about it.
The way that she bats
her eyelashes
and shakes her
tail feathers in his face?
(chuckles)
She wants it.
Isn't it hard for you guys
to be on opposite sides
of something like this?
Of course you feel that way,
Lily.
You and Marshall
have basically melded
into one big
hermaphroditic blob.
And that's fine for you guys.
But some of us want
a partner who challenges us
to grow and evolve.
You guys are in screaming
matches all the time.
Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.
Growing matches.
NARRATOR:
It was true.
Zoey and I loved
to challenge each other.
The main character
is a young spoiled prince
thrust into leadership
after the death of his father.
It's obviously a modern-day
retelling of Henry IV!
Are you kidding me?!
It's Don Quixote--
the classic quest story
with the hero-jester and his
long-suffering manservant!
Okay, clearly,
when we're watching Tommy Boy,
we're watching
two different movies.
No, you hang up.
No, you hang up.
No, you hang up.
No, you hang up.
No, you hang up!
No, you hang up.
No, you hang up.
No, you...
(beeping)
Hold on.
(beep)
Hello?
For the love of God, will one
of you idiots hang up the phone?
(shuddering)
Why would you do that?!
I-I thought you'd like it.
Who likes that?
I like it.
Your relationship
sounds exhausting.
Well, maybe yours is a bit lazy.
Marshall and I have been
together 15 years,
and the only debate
we've had about Tommy Boy
is whether it's awesome
or super awesome.
That's love, bitch.
♪ How I Met Your Mother 6x20 ♪
The Exploding Meatball Sub
Original Air Date on April 11, 2011
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
NARRATOR:
Now around this time,
Marshall had truly come
to hate his job.
He hated the paperwork.
He hated the coffee.
He hated the dirty jokes.
He hated everything.
I have to quit.
Quit GNB?! Why?
I need to do better
things with my life, okay?
There's-There's an opening
for an environmental lawyer
at the National Resources
Defense Council.
Sure, it pays less, but
I'd be saving the oceans,
saving endangered species...
Saving chicken bones and
an old boot to make hobo soup?
Marshall, you can't
pay your mortgage
with Hacky Sacks and good vibes.
Baby, you have
my full support.
Well, then, you're not going
to be able to pay
for that trip to Spain
that you've been planning.
(Barney snickers)
Say good-bye
to riding around in gondolas,
and eating bratwurst
and seeing the pyramids.
I don't think you know
what Spain is.
Well, I know that a trip there
costs some serious lira.
It's dinero.
Where? I want his autograph!
NARRATOR: So Marshall walked in the
next morning all ready to quit.
But then something weird
happened.
♪ I will remember you... ♪
Suddenly, he didn't hate
the paperwork.
He didn't hate the coffee.
He didn't even hate
the dirty jokes.
Out of nowhere,
Marshall actually liked GNB.
It's graduation goggles.
What?
Graduation goggles,
like with high school.
It's four years
of bullies
making fun of all the kids
with braces,
even after the braces come off
and they can walk just fine.
But then, on
graduation day,
you suddenly get all misty
because you realize
you're never going
to see those jerks again.
I just had graduation goggles
with that guy Scooby I dated.
The guy who
was basically a dog?
He was the worst kisser
I've ever been with.
But the moment
I decided to dump him...
♪ I will remember you... ♪
...I suddenly got
kind of wistful.
(as speaking to a dog):
He was a good boy.
BARNEY:
Yeah.
I've been there, too.
Every time I'm done having sex
with a woman,
at first,
I never want to see her again.
But then...
♪ I will remember you... ♪
No, that's pretty much it.
The point is, you can't trust
graduation goggles.
They're just as misleading
as beer goggles,
bridesmaid goggles,
and that's-just-a-bulky,
outdated-cell-phone
in-his-front-pocket goggles.
That one was a bummer.
You're right.
Tomorrow,
I'm quitting GNB.
No! You can't
quit tomorrow!
The lady with the big nipples
is coming back
to give another sexual
harassment seminar,
and I bribed one
of the maintenance guys
to keep the room
at a brisk 55 degrees!
Baby, more than ever,
you have my full support.
You know, sometimes I feel
bad for Lily and Marshall.
I'm starting to feel bad
for Ted and Zoey.
It starts with an... "L?"
How can you not
remember my name?
It's like they never
challenge each other.
They just automatically
agree all the time.
Well, they don't do that all the time.
Yes, they do.
No, they don't. Yes, they do.
It's like they...
BOTH: ...
don't see eye-to-eye on anything!
Totally.
Totally.
It rhymes with your name.
And I said
my name was...?
Baby, I did it! I quit.
And then I walked right over to
the NRDC, and I took that job.
Oh, good for you, sweetie.
Yeah.
It's a little less money
than I was expecting.
I mean, compared to what I was
making at GNB, it's nothing.
Actually compared to
anything, it's nothing.
It's nothing.
The paid position
just got filled,
so all I can do is-is
volunteer right now.
You're cool with that, right?
Baby, if this is what you need
to do, we'll figure it out.
How's Barney handling
you leaving?
Hey, Barney, there's a bunch
of models in the lobby,
and the gossip is
one of them is really a dude.
You want to play
"Who's Hot and Who's Scott?"
It's always the one
in the turtleneck, Ted.
And no, I don't
want to play.
Stupid Marshall--
ruined everything.
Oh, come on.
Everything's not ruined.
Guys, everything's ruined.
What? Why?
Your girlfriend somehow got the
Landmark Preservation Committee
to agree to a hearing.
If they declare
the Arcadian a landmark,
the whole project is dead.
The good news is,
I just got the phone number
of a husky-voiced hottie
in a turtleneck.
(laughs)
...so, if the Landmarks
Preservation Committee
sides with Zoey, your whole
project goes down the tubes?
You must be furious.
I'm furiously enjoying
being challenged.
LILY:
Why don't you admit that
your girlfriend challenging
your every move
is getting you
a little murder-suicidey?
Why don't you admit that
Marshall quitting his job
and taking an unpaid
internship is killing you?
It's not.
Lily, the downside
to having giant,
Japanese anime eyes is
that they're
easy to read.
And yours are screaming,
"What about my trip
to Spain, deadbeat?"
Okay, Ted, the downside
to having a woman's mouth is,
your feminine pout gives away
your true feelings.
And yours is saying,
"Oh, Zoey, why can't I be
on top just this once?"
We take turns!
Sometimes.
Hey, guys. Thanks. Hey.
I just had the best first day
at the NRDC.
(Barney laughing)
(laughing)
I'm sorry. Sorry.
Something Hershel said
at work today.
(laughing)
Hershel?
What, don't you guys know
Hershel? Didn't I tell you?
Oh, he's the new lawyer
who replaced Marshall at GNB.
He is so
awesome and funny
and tall-- taller
than Marshall--
and he knows
way more laws.
Well, I'm glad
you like your new co-worker.
There's no Hershel!
I was just saying that
to make you jealous!
Why do you insist
we play these games?
Barney, I'm not playing--
Just come back to GNB already!
I'm really loving my new job.
Oh, and I'm loving
seeing you this happy.
I'm so glad to hear you say that
because I volunteered
our apartment
for a big NRDC fund-raiser
tomorrow night.
You're-You're cool
with that, right?
Baby, you have
my full support.
MARSHALL:
Thanks, baby.
(phone chirps)
Oh.
Ooh, I gotta go.
The invitations are ready.
The party's for a bunch
of environmentalists,
so I found a guy downtown
who makes biodegradable
party invitations
that can also be used
as toilet paper.
That's how
I'm gonna use mine.
Why in the world
do you care so much
whether Marshall
works at GNB?
Care? I don't care.
I'm like, whatever.
Marshall who?
He's stupid.
Hershel's way better.
Okay, Barney, is
it possible that
with everything that's gone
on with your dad lately,
you might have some
unresolved abandonment issues
you're transferring
onto Marshall?
Oh! Ugh!
You are worse than my shrink.
"Barney, we have
to talk about your father."
"Barney, I'm not going to teach
you how to hypnotize people.
You'll only use it for evil."
"Barney, I am not going
to conduct a couples session
"between you and this woman.
She's obviously a prostitute."
I don't need this!
Ah, Lily Aldrin,
half of the world's
most perfect couple!
I was thinking about
that woman's mouth comment,
and I have
three good comebacks.
One: your mom didn't seem
to mind it last night on her...
Okay, look, Ted, I need a favor.
Would you mind driving out
to Kennedy with me
to pick up this famous ecologist
for Marshall's fund-raiser?
Apparently,
he only speaks Spanish.
And you speak Spanish, right?
Perfect. Let's go.
Hey, Marshall, it's me.
Listen, I know
I've been kind of a jerk
about your leaving GNB.
I just wanted
to call and say I'm sorry.
No apologies necessary.
We're good.
Good. Um, hey, any chance
you might maybe--
I don't know--
if you're not busy,
uh, want to have lunch today?
Oh, buddy,
I'd love to, but I can't.
Oh, that's cool.
No biggie.
Another time.
Oh, my God!
How long have you been there?
You don't remember?
Hey. I was in the
neighborhood.
I just wanted
to check in on you.
You seemed, um, you seemed
really upset the other day.
Oh, no, I'm fine.
Okay. Well, um, you want
to go grab some lunch?
Sure. Hey, are you okay if
I invite Marshall to join us?
Yeah.
Right.
So, um...
Chinese?
You know, just
because Zoey and I
are a different kind of couple
than you and Marshall
doesn't make us a worse couple.
You're right.
I-If you and Zoey are happy,
then who am I to judge?
I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God, is
that how support feels?
It's so warm and wonderful.
Oh, Lily, I've been so unhappy.
But I thought
you liked being challenged.
Nobody likes being challenged!
Couldn't she agree with me just
once, even on something little,
like... like what movie to see
or-or what topping
to get on our pizza
or... oh, I don't know,
my lifelong dream
of building a skyscraper
in New York City?!
Well, in her defense,
hamburger pizza, Ted?
What are you, 12?
You were right, Lily.
I mean, Zoey's great,
but... sometimes I do wish
we were a little more
like you and Marshall.
TED (groans):
There he is. Here we go.
I'm sorry.
I don't speak...
whatever it is you're speaking.
Um, he speaks
perfect English.
Yeah, I-I know.
Then why
did you ask me to come?
So you can drive him
to the fund-raiser.
Supporting Marshall
this much
is driving me crazy.
I'm going to Spain-- my flight
leaves in 45 minutes.
Adios,
muchacho.
W-Wait, what do you mean
you're going to Spain?
You were right.
If I hear myself say
"Baby, you have my full
support" one more time,
I swear I'm gonna
murder someone!
What are you gonna
tell Marshall, huh?
And when are you coming back?
I honestly
haven't thought it all the way
through, and I don't intend to.
All I know is that
I'm a ticking time bomb,
and if I don't do something
for me right away,
I swear I'm gonna explode!
Wow, tha... that's
an evocative metaphor to use
for your nonthreatening,
totally patriotic emotions.
U.S.A.!
Okay, Lily,
I get it.
Marshall's been asking
a lot lately.
But the thing to do is-is
tell him you've had enough.
I've never been good at that.
And now, ever
since his dad died,
I-I feel like it's my job
to just be fine with everything.
But I'm not.
I'm not fine that
he volunteers our apartment
for a giant fund-raiser
and that he's
not thinking about
how we're gonna pay
any of our bills
and that, apparently,
we've given up on
trying to have kids.
Lil...
Look, I'm sorry, Ted,
I just, I gotta do this.
My bag?
Oh, no. I got it.
There's nothing
to talk about.
You trashed your office today.
I mean, you obviously have
some deep feelings
you're not confronting.
And I think
they're about your dad.
I don't want to talk about it, okay?
Why not?
Because I don't. And why
am I explaining this to you?
You're the most secretive
person I know.
You never tell anybody anything.
I've never...
told anyone this before.
Um...
I was 16.
I was awakened around midnight
by the sound of my father
arguing with his business
partner, Andy Grenier.
As things
grew heated...
I watched my father's hand
slowly coil
around the heavy
antique clock on his desk.
The sun was just
starting to rise
over the bramble orchard as
we packed the fresh earth down
with the flats of our shovels.
My dad and I
got our stories straight.
We walked back to the house
in silence and...
haven't talked about it since.
(gasps)
But sometimes...
on a still night...
you can still hear that clock,
ticking...
ticking...
(quietly):
ticking.
That's...
the most harrowing story
I've ever heard.
Is it true?
No.
(sighs)
But it did get you
to drink three scotches,
which is why you're
ready to spill your guts.
Fine!
The reason I'm upset
about Marshall leaving GNB
is... is...
Hey.
(sighs)
...the meatball sub.
Huh?
It all started months ago
in the GNB commissary.
It was Meatball Sub Day.
Oh, how I used to love
Meatball Sub Day.
And then, the most
humiliating moment of my life.
Hey, buddy, I think
you got a tiny little bit
of marinara sauce
on your tie there.
(both chuckling)
(sinister music plays)
(chuckling continues)
I plotted my revenge for weeks.
But nothing seemed right.
Then it hit me.
The answer was
so elegant and simple--
an exploding meatball sub.
For months, I experimented.
More... marinara sauce.
Finally, the sub was perfected.
The plan was in place.
The snare was baited.
And then...
he quit, Robin, he quit!
It's Meatball Sub Day
today, which is why
I wanted Marshall
to come over and have lunch.
But no.
All that work wasted.
(quiet sobbing)
You want to make God laugh,
tell him your plans, right?
(quietly):
What is wrong with you?
Hey, Professor Rodriguez,
thank you so much for coming.
Oh, my pleasure.
I have to use the restroom.
Do you have some
extra invitations?
Right over there.
Enjoy.
Hey. Hey, thanks for
picking him up.
Yeah, absolutely.
Um, listen,
something happened
at the airport. Um...
What?
Well,
we got there,
and, uh, Lily...
(sighs) Lily...
Marshall, hey.
Sorry, I, uh,
I had to park
and-and grab some ice.
Sorry.
Oh, thanks, babe.
You would not believe
how much this one has done
to help throw this party, Ted.
I don't know how she does it.
Can't be easy, huh, Lil?
Yeah. Listen, Marshall,
I-I need to talk to you
about something.
No, you know what?
Me, too.
Um... I want to thank you
for being so supportive
of me in all this.
I've been at the NRDC
for less than a week,
and I've already done
more to be proud of
than in two years at GNB.
I can't believe
how good it feels.
But now, it's time for me
to find a way
to help the Earth
and get paid for it,
because I can't put that
burden entirely on you.
So, starting tomorrow,
I'll look for something
with a paycheck.
What do you think?
Baby, you have my full support.
Oh...
ZOEY:
Ted.
Hey!
What are you doing here?
This is really important
to Marshall, so I came
to show my support.
This you can be
supportive of?!
What is that supposed to mean?
I have
the chance to build
a skyscraper
in the best city on Earth,
and who's the one
leading the charge
to kill that dream?
My girlfriend!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What about my lifelong
dream of not seeing
every beautiful building
in Manhattan bulldozed?
NARRATOR: And in that moment, I
realized, though I really cared
about Zoey, I couldn't do this
for the next 50 years.
I had to break up with her.
But then...
♪ I will remember you ♪
♪ Will you remember me... ♪
Kids, some couples
always support each other,
and some couples
always challenge each other,
but is one really
better than the other?
Yes. Support is better.
Way better.
But I'd have
to learn that the hard way.
You're too young.
This isn't fair.
We're not going
anywhere, buddy.
We're gonna stay here
right till the end.
(weakly):
Thank you, Marshall.
(coughs weakly)
Marshall...
can I ask
one final favor, my friend?
Yes, of course,
of course-- anything.
Eat this meatball sub.
Wh-Where'd you get
a meatball...
I don't have much time!
Okay, yes, yes, of course.
Of course.
(groans weakly)
Does this have some sort
of special meaning?
(guffawing)
I'm not sick, you idiots!
I've racked up $30,000
of uninsured medical bills
for symptoms I don't even have.
Totally worth it!
You should see
the look on your face.
Oh, wait, you can't-- 'cause
it's covered in marinara sauce!
(guffawing)
Uh, Barney, you got
a little marinara
on your pajamas.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Kids, as you know,
I was designing
Goliath National Bank's
new headquarters on the site of
this old hotel, The Arcadian.
(crowd clamoring)
Problem was,
some people didn't want
The Arcadian torn down.
Even bigger problem, they were
led by my girlfriend Zoey.
G-N-B is
the e-ne-my!
Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on!
Hey, sweetie!
Are we still on for dinner
at 8:00 at Valenzisi's?
That's great! I can't wait!
CROWD: That's great. I can't wait!
That's great. I can't wait!
But somehow, Zoey and I were
making it work.
Ted, why are you dating
our arch-enemy?!
I mean, Wile E.
Coyote wasn't trying
to sleep with
the Roadrunner.
Or maybe he was.
Think about it.
The way that she bats
her eyelashes
and shakes her
tail feathers in his face?
(chuckles)
She wants it.
Isn't it hard for you guys
to be on opposite sides
of something like this?
Of course you feel that way,
Lily.
You and Marshall
have basically melded
into one big
hermaphroditic blob.
And that's fine for you guys.
But some of us want
a partner who challenges us
to grow and evolve.
You guys are in screaming
matches all the time.
Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.
Growing matches.
NARRATOR:
It was true.
Zoey and I loved
to challenge each other.
The main character
is a young spoiled prince
thrust into leadership
after the death of his father.
It's obviously a modern-day
retelling of Henry IV!
Are you kidding me?!
It's Don Quixote--
the classic quest story
with the hero-jester and his
long-suffering manservant!
Okay, clearly,
when we're watching Tommy Boy,
we're watching
two different movies.
No, you hang up.
No, you hang up.
No, you hang up.
No, you hang up.
No, you hang up!
No, you hang up.
No, you hang up.
No, you...
(beeping)
Hold on.
(beep)
Hello?
For the love of God, will one
of you idiots hang up the phone?
(shuddering)
Why would you do that?!
I-I thought you'd like it.
Who likes that?
I like it.
Your relationship
sounds exhausting.
Well, maybe yours is a bit lazy.
Marshall and I have been
together 15 years,
and the only debate
we've had about Tommy Boy
is whether it's awesome
or super awesome.
That's love, bitch.
♪ How I Met Your Mother 6x20 ♪
The Exploding Meatball Sub
Original Air Date on April 11, 2011
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
NARRATOR:
Now around this time,
Marshall had truly come
to hate his job.
He hated the paperwork.
He hated the coffee.
He hated the dirty jokes.
He hated everything.
I have to quit.
Quit GNB?! Why?
I need to do better
things with my life, okay?
There's-There's an opening
for an environmental lawyer
at the National Resources
Defense Council.
Sure, it pays less, but
I'd be saving the oceans,
saving endangered species...
Saving chicken bones and
an old boot to make hobo soup?
Marshall, you can't
pay your mortgage
with Hacky Sacks and good vibes.
Baby, you have
my full support.
Well, then, you're not going
to be able to pay
for that trip to Spain
that you've been planning.
(Barney snickers)
Say good-bye
to riding around in gondolas,
and eating bratwurst
and seeing the pyramids.
I don't think you know
what Spain is.
Well, I know that a trip there
costs some serious lira.
It's dinero.
Where? I want his autograph!
NARRATOR: So Marshall walked in the
next morning all ready to quit.
But then something weird
happened.
♪ I will remember you... ♪
Suddenly, he didn't hate
the paperwork.
He didn't hate the coffee.
He didn't even hate
the dirty jokes.
Out of nowhere,
Marshall actually liked GNB.
It's graduation goggles.
What?
Graduation goggles,
like with high school.
It's four years
of bullies
making fun of all the kids
with braces,
even after the braces come off
and they can walk just fine.
But then, on
graduation day,
you suddenly get all misty
because you realize
you're never going
to see those jerks again.
I just had graduation goggles
with that guy Scooby I dated.
The guy who
was basically a dog?
He was the worst kisser
I've ever been with.
But the moment
I decided to dump him...
♪ I will remember you... ♪
...I suddenly got
kind of wistful.
(as speaking to a dog):
He was a good boy.
BARNEY:
Yeah.
I've been there, too.
Every time I'm done having sex
with a woman,
at first,
I never want to see her again.
But then...
♪ I will remember you... ♪
No, that's pretty much it.
The point is, you can't trust
graduation goggles.
They're just as misleading
as beer goggles,
bridesmaid goggles,
and that's-just-a-bulky,
outdated-cell-phone
in-his-front-pocket goggles.
That one was a bummer.
You're right.
Tomorrow,
I'm quitting GNB.
No! You can't
quit tomorrow!
The lady with the big nipples
is coming back
to give another sexual
harassment seminar,
and I bribed one
of the maintenance guys
to keep the room
at a brisk 55 degrees!
Baby, more than ever,
you have my full support.
You know, sometimes I feel
bad for Lily and Marshall.
I'm starting to feel bad
for Ted and Zoey.
It starts with an... "L?"
How can you not
remember my name?
It's like they never
challenge each other.
They just automatically
agree all the time.
Well, they don't do that all the time.
Yes, they do.
No, they don't. Yes, they do.
It's like they...
BOTH: ...
don't see eye-to-eye on anything!
Totally.
Totally.
It rhymes with your name.
And I said
my name was...?
Baby, I did it! I quit.
And then I walked right over to
the NRDC, and I took that job.
Oh, good for you, sweetie.
Yeah.
It's a little less money
than I was expecting.
I mean, compared to what I was
making at GNB, it's nothing.
Actually compared to
anything, it's nothing.
It's nothing.
The paid position
just got filled,
so all I can do is-is
volunteer right now.
You're cool with that, right?
Baby, if this is what you need
to do, we'll figure it out.
How's Barney handling
you leaving?
Hey, Barney, there's a bunch
of models in the lobby,
and the gossip is
one of them is really a dude.
You want to play
"Who's Hot and Who's Scott?"
It's always the one
in the turtleneck, Ted.
And no, I don't
want to play.
Stupid Marshall--
ruined everything.
Oh, come on.
Everything's not ruined.
Guys, everything's ruined.
What? Why?
Your girlfriend somehow got the
Landmark Preservation Committee
to agree to a hearing.
If they declare
the Arcadian a landmark,
the whole project is dead.
The good news is,
I just got the phone number
of a husky-voiced hottie
in a turtleneck.
(laughs)
...so, if the Landmarks
Preservation Committee
sides with Zoey, your whole
project goes down the tubes?
You must be furious.
I'm furiously enjoying
being challenged.
LILY:
Why don't you admit that
your girlfriend challenging
your every move
is getting you
a little murder-suicidey?
Why don't you admit that
Marshall quitting his job
and taking an unpaid
internship is killing you?
It's not.
Lily, the downside
to having giant,
Japanese anime eyes is
that they're
easy to read.
And yours are screaming,
"What about my trip
to Spain, deadbeat?"
Okay, Ted, the downside
to having a woman's mouth is,
your feminine pout gives away
your true feelings.
And yours is saying,
"Oh, Zoey, why can't I be
on top just this once?"
We take turns!
Sometimes.
Hey, guys. Thanks. Hey.
I just had the best first day
at the NRDC.
(Barney laughing)
(laughing)
I'm sorry. Sorry.
Something Hershel said
at work today.
(laughing)
Hershel?
What, don't you guys know
Hershel? Didn't I tell you?
Oh, he's the new lawyer
who replaced Marshall at GNB.
He is so
awesome and funny
and tall-- taller
than Marshall--
and he knows
way more laws.
Well, I'm glad
you like your new co-worker.
There's no Hershel!
I was just saying that
to make you jealous!
Why do you insist
we play these games?
Barney, I'm not playing--
Just come back to GNB already!
I'm really loving my new job.
Oh, and I'm loving
seeing you this happy.
I'm so glad to hear you say that
because I volunteered
our apartment
for a big NRDC fund-raiser
tomorrow night.
You're-You're cool
with that, right?
Baby, you have
my full support.
MARSHALL:
Thanks, baby.
(phone chirps)
Oh.
Ooh, I gotta go.
The invitations are ready.
The party's for a bunch
of environmentalists,
so I found a guy downtown
who makes biodegradable
party invitations
that can also be used
as toilet paper.
That's how
I'm gonna use mine.
Why in the world
do you care so much
whether Marshall
works at GNB?
Care? I don't care.
I'm like, whatever.
Marshall who?
He's stupid.
Hershel's way better.
Okay, Barney, is
it possible that
with everything that's gone
on with your dad lately,
you might have some
unresolved abandonment issues
you're transferring
onto Marshall?
Oh! Ugh!
You are worse than my shrink.
"Barney, we have
to talk about your father."
"Barney, I'm not going to teach
you how to hypnotize people.
You'll only use it for evil."
"Barney, I am not going
to conduct a couples session
"between you and this woman.
She's obviously a prostitute."
I don't need this!
Ah, Lily Aldrin,
half of the world's
most perfect couple!
I was thinking about
that woman's mouth comment,
and I have
three good comebacks.
One: your mom didn't seem
to mind it last night on her...
Okay, look, Ted, I need a favor.
Would you mind driving out
to Kennedy with me
to pick up this famous ecologist
for Marshall's fund-raiser?
Apparently,
he only speaks Spanish.
And you speak Spanish, right?
Perfect. Let's go.
Hey, Marshall, it's me.
Listen, I know
I've been kind of a jerk
about your leaving GNB.
I just wanted
to call and say I'm sorry.
No apologies necessary.
We're good.
Good. Um, hey, any chance
you might maybe--
I don't know--
if you're not busy,
uh, want to have lunch today?
Oh, buddy,
I'd love to, but I can't.
Oh, that's cool.
No biggie.
Another time.
Oh, my God!
How long have you been there?
You don't remember?
Hey. I was in the
neighborhood.
I just wanted
to check in on you.
You seemed, um, you seemed
really upset the other day.
Oh, no, I'm fine.
Okay. Well, um, you want
to go grab some lunch?
Sure. Hey, are you okay if
I invite Marshall to join us?
Yeah.
Right.
So, um...
Chinese?
You know, just
because Zoey and I
are a different kind of couple
than you and Marshall
doesn't make us a worse couple.
You're right.
I-If you and Zoey are happy,
then who am I to judge?
I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God, is
that how support feels?
It's so warm and wonderful.
Oh, Lily, I've been so unhappy.
But I thought
you liked being challenged.
Nobody likes being challenged!
Couldn't she agree with me just
once, even on something little,
like... like what movie to see
or-or what topping
to get on our pizza
or... oh, I don't know,
my lifelong dream
of building a skyscraper
in New York City?!
Well, in her defense,
hamburger pizza, Ted?
What are you, 12?
You were right, Lily.
I mean, Zoey's great,
but... sometimes I do wish
we were a little more
like you and Marshall.
TED (groans):
There he is. Here we go.
I'm sorry.
I don't speak...
whatever it is you're speaking.
Um, he speaks
perfect English.
Yeah, I-I know.
Then why
did you ask me to come?
So you can drive him
to the fund-raiser.
Supporting Marshall
this much
is driving me crazy.
I'm going to Spain-- my flight
leaves in 45 minutes.
Adios,
muchacho.
W-Wait, what do you mean
you're going to Spain?
You were right.
If I hear myself say
"Baby, you have my full
support" one more time,
I swear I'm gonna
murder someone!
What are you gonna
tell Marshall, huh?
And when are you coming back?
I honestly
haven't thought it all the way
through, and I don't intend to.
All I know is that
I'm a ticking time bomb,
and if I don't do something
for me right away,
I swear I'm gonna explode!
Wow, tha... that's
an evocative metaphor to use
for your nonthreatening,
totally patriotic emotions.
U.S.A.!
Okay, Lily,
I get it.
Marshall's been asking
a lot lately.
But the thing to do is-is
tell him you've had enough.
I've never been good at that.
And now, ever
since his dad died,
I-I feel like it's my job
to just be fine with everything.
But I'm not.
I'm not fine that
he volunteers our apartment
for a giant fund-raiser
and that he's
not thinking about
how we're gonna pay
any of our bills
and that, apparently,
we've given up on
trying to have kids.
Lil...
Look, I'm sorry, Ted,
I just, I gotta do this.
My bag?
Oh, no. I got it.
There's nothing
to talk about.
You trashed your office today.
I mean, you obviously have
some deep feelings
you're not confronting.
And I think
they're about your dad.
I don't want to talk about it, okay?
Why not?
Because I don't. And why
am I explaining this to you?
You're the most secretive
person I know.
You never tell anybody anything.
I've never...
told anyone this before.
Um...
I was 16.
I was awakened around midnight
by the sound of my father
arguing with his business
partner, Andy Grenier.
As things
grew heated...
I watched my father's hand
slowly coil
around the heavy
antique clock on his desk.
The sun was just
starting to rise
over the bramble orchard as
we packed the fresh earth down
with the flats of our shovels.
My dad and I
got our stories straight.
We walked back to the house
in silence and...
haven't talked about it since.
(gasps)
But sometimes...
on a still night...
you can still hear that clock,
ticking...
ticking...
(quietly):
ticking.
That's...
the most harrowing story
I've ever heard.
Is it true?
No.
(sighs)
But it did get you
to drink three scotches,
which is why you're
ready to spill your guts.
Fine!
The reason I'm upset
about Marshall leaving GNB
is... is...
Hey.
(sighs)
...the meatball sub.
Huh?
It all started months ago
in the GNB commissary.
It was Meatball Sub Day.
Oh, how I used to love
Meatball Sub Day.
And then, the most
humiliating moment of my life.
Hey, buddy, I think
you got a tiny little bit
of marinara sauce
on your tie there.
(both chuckling)
(sinister music plays)
(chuckling continues)
I plotted my revenge for weeks.
But nothing seemed right.
Then it hit me.
The answer was
so elegant and simple--
an exploding meatball sub.
For months, I experimented.
More... marinara sauce.
Finally, the sub was perfected.
The plan was in place.
The snare was baited.
And then...
he quit, Robin, he quit!
It's Meatball Sub Day
today, which is why
I wanted Marshall
to come over and have lunch.
But no.
All that work wasted.
(quiet sobbing)
You want to make God laugh,
tell him your plans, right?
(quietly):
What is wrong with you?
Hey, Professor Rodriguez,
thank you so much for coming.
Oh, my pleasure.
I have to use the restroom.
Do you have some
extra invitations?
Right over there.
Enjoy.
Hey. Hey, thanks for
picking him up.
Yeah, absolutely.
Um, listen,
something happened
at the airport. Um...
What?
Well,
we got there,
and, uh, Lily...
(sighs) Lily...
Marshall, hey.
Sorry, I, uh,
I had to park
and-and grab some ice.
Sorry.
Oh, thanks, babe.
You would not believe
how much this one has done
to help throw this party, Ted.
I don't know how she does it.
Can't be easy, huh, Lil?
Yeah. Listen, Marshall,
I-I need to talk to you
about something.
No, you know what?
Me, too.
Um... I want to thank you
for being so supportive
of me in all this.
I've been at the NRDC
for less than a week,
and I've already done
more to be proud of
than in two years at GNB.
I can't believe
how good it feels.
But now, it's time for me
to find a way
to help the Earth
and get paid for it,
because I can't put that
burden entirely on you.
So, starting tomorrow,
I'll look for something
with a paycheck.
What do you think?
Baby, you have my full support.
Oh...
ZOEY:
Ted.
Hey!
What are you doing here?
This is really important
to Marshall, so I came
to show my support.
This you can be
supportive of?!
What is that supposed to mean?
I have
the chance to build
a skyscraper
in the best city on Earth,
and who's the one
leading the charge
to kill that dream?
My girlfriend!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What about my lifelong
dream of not seeing
every beautiful building
in Manhattan bulldozed?
NARRATOR: And in that moment, I
realized, though I really cared
about Zoey, I couldn't do this
for the next 50 years.
I had to break up with her.
But then...
♪ I will remember you ♪
♪ Will you remember me... ♪
Kids, some couples
always support each other,
and some couples
always challenge each other,
but is one really
better than the other?
Yes. Support is better.
Way better.
But I'd have
to learn that the hard way.
You're too young.
This isn't fair.
We're not going
anywhere, buddy.
We're gonna stay here
right till the end.
(weakly):
Thank you, Marshall.
(coughs weakly)
Marshall...
can I ask
one final favor, my friend?
Yes, of course,
of course-- anything.
Eat this meatball sub.
Wh-Where'd you get
a meatball...
I don't have much time!
Okay, yes, yes, of course.
Of course.
(groans weakly)
Does this have some sort
of special meaning?
(guffawing)
I'm not sick, you idiots!
I've racked up $30,000
of uninsured medical bills
for symptoms I don't even have.
Totally worth it!
You should see
the look on your face.
Oh, wait, you can't-- 'cause
it's covered in marinara sauce!
(guffawing)
Uh, Barney, you got
a little marinara
on your pajamas.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==