How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 6, Episode 21 - Hopeless - full transcript

Barney, I'm afraid this is good-bye.

Your buzz-kill of a ma thinks
I'm a "bad influence" on you.

What? That's...

What is that word you taught me?
"Bull" something?

But she's your mother, and I'm...

Well, I'm just your Uncle Jerry...

so this is the last time I can see you.

But you were supposed to take me
to see that Zeppelin cover band next week.

The night is gonna be... "Led-engery."

Sorry, buddy, but this is it.

But don't you forget your training.

What's a magician's best friend?

- A drunk audience.
- Attaboy.

You still got that button
from the festival we went to?

Now...

I'm gonna put this
right inside your brain behind your ear...

so that I'll know
that you won't forget me.

See ya, buddy.

And hey.

Never... stop... partying.

Kids, in 1983...

Barney watched his father
walk out of his life.

And in 2011, when their first
reunion ended badly...

I'd love nothing more
than to be a part of your life.

this time it was Barney
who did the walking.

Bye.

And that was almost the end of it...

except a few weeks later...

I am so angry at my dad!

Guess who called me today.

Go on, guess.

- Your dad?
- My dad!

Barney Stinson.

Hi, Barney. It's your dad.

Look, would you like to go fishing
with me and J.J. on Sunday morning?

Ooh, hold on. Let me check my personality.

Oh, no. Turns out I would never do that
in a million years.

Barney, look, I know
you're disappointed...

that your dad is just a boring
old driving instructor from the suburbs...

but that guy I used to be... "Crazy Jerry"...

he was bad news.

Drinking, partying, sleeping around.

The party can't go on forever.

You're 35. I'm sure you're starting
to realize that, right?

You do not know how right you are.

Zero right!

We're not getting too old for anything.

You sure? I feel like we collectively
learn the opposite lesson...

like, at least once a year.

I have to face an ugly truth.

Jerry Whitaker, my own father...

is anti-awesometic.

I know Crazy Jerry's
still in there somewhere...

but he's trapped under 20 years of lawn
mower parties and carpool barbecues.

Wow, you know nothing about the suburbs.

Well, this Saturday night,
I am busting him out.

I'm gonna make Jerry realize
he was wrong about giving up his old life...

by showing him
the awesomest night of all time.

And for the awesomest night of all time...

I'm going to need
the awesomest friends of all time.

Okay, who do I know?

Guys.

Do any of you know George Clooney?

Okay, my dad's almost here.

I need everything to be as awesome
as possible tonight.

That's why you brought these guys!

No.

That's why I brought these guys.

I've made some minor improvements
to your identities.

Uh, you'll find them on these cards.

- Improvements?
- Yeah.

Bro, we are already...

the four jiggidy-jammiest dudes
and dudettes this side of...

Okay, let's see the cards.

Robin, no one watches the news
unless it's a car chase or a nip slip.

You are now a professional scotch taster.

Mmm!

Lily, Jerry needs to learn...

that other lifestyles are
just as fulfilling as monogamy...

so now you and Marshall
are in an open marriage.

- Ooh!
- Gross!

Also, Marshall,
you can't just be unemployed...

so you are now a gin-swilling,
womanizing playwright.

And, Ted, just be yourself.

Just kidding.

Here's a giant pile of topics
you should avoid talking about.

Wow. Well, this could actually be fun.

In fact, I believe
it was Oscar Wilde who said...

"Man is least himself when he talks"...

- Ted, card.
- Uh, you're right.

"No quoting Oscar Wilde."

Finally, Robin, you're dating Ted.

Oh, man!

Why?

I can't have any single
female friends lying around.

My dad'll be all,
"Why don't you marry Robin?

You guys were cute together.

Deep down you know you were never
happier than when you were with her."

Uh, no, thanks.

Hey, Barney,
love the new identities. Little thing...

Instead of being a naked super ninja...

can I be Meryl Streep
in The Devil Wears Prada?

How good was that movie?

- So good!
- Adrian Grenier!

And... hence new identities.

And so, Barney's dad finally showed up.

Jerry, you remember Marshall.
He's a well-known writer.

Playwright. We're all writers.

Just some of us don't know
what our story is yet.

Lily, his wife.

Well, most nights.

Mama don't let no ring
get in the way of a good time.

That's a little depressing.

Uh, hi again. Ted.

Oh, and, Jerry, uh,
you remember my girlfriend.

Robin. Hi. So nice to see you again.

Wait, wait.
Jerry, I gotta tell you the truth.

Guys, I'm gonna tell him.

- We're also a band.
- Two, three, fourl

Ow! Yeah!

So, Saturday night!

Time to cut loose, right?

Who wants to split a beer?

Oh, we're not drinking here.

Tonight we're going big. Let's see.

What club should we hit first?

There's Club Was. There's Wrong.

Um, those places shut down
a long time ago.

- Oh, no.
- Oh No shut down too.

- There's Where.
- Where's Where?

Where's where Was was, isn't it?

No, Was wasn't where Where was.
Was was where Wrong was.

- Right?
- Okay.

Not Okay. That place is lame.

Okay is Lame? I thought Lame
was a gay bar. Or is that Wrong?

That's wrong. That's Not Wrong.

- Guys, focus.
- I like Focus. Let's go there.

- Where?
- Not Where, Focus.

I thought Focus was closed.

No, Was was closed.

Once Was shut down, it reopened as Closed.

- So Closed is open.
- No, Closed is closed.

I don't know! Third base! Right?

Ew, Third Base is all frat guys.

- I'll go anyplace, okay?
- Not Okay. Okay is lame.

Okay is not Lame. Lame is a gay bar.

- Guys, shut up.
- No, Shut Up shut down.

I can't believe I don't know
the clubs anymore.

Guys, just pick a club. Okay?

- Not Okay!
- Okay is lame!

Gay bar!

For the record, um, I was
in there once by accident.

I'm pretty sure it's pronounced "La-may."

It's Hopeless, isn't it?

Wow.

A lot of these girls are young enough
to be our daughters.

I know. Daddy's home.

And Granddaddy's home!

Tonight rocks so hard!

I might be allergic to this stamp.

Oh, my God. My secret crush is here.

Mila Kunis?

No, my secret crush.

We met a few years ago.

Hi. I could use a woman's opinion.

Is this workin' for me?

Uh, no.

The only good thing about
how ugly that shirt is...

is that it distracts from
how terribly it fits you.

I was trying on the pants.

Oh.

I had to leave before we could
finish talking, so that was it.

You know, ever since then, I've always...

Oh, my God. He's coming over.

Oh, hello.

- Hi.
- Hi.

A few years ago at a department store,
did you embarrass the hell out of me?

Oh, I'm sorry.

You must have me confused
with the shirt you were wearing that day.

I should be so lucky.

Hi. I'm Ted. Robin's boyfriend!

- Nice to meet you.
- Right.

Um, really nice to see you again.

- Mmm, you too.
- Yeah.

You owe me one.

Dad, isn't this place great?

Uh, I don't know. l-It's so loud!

And so bourgeois!

Many of my plays are about the bourgeois.

And ennui.

And one rock opera...

about a frozen-yogurt shop.

Uh, Lily, uh, talk
about your open marriage.

Okay. Well, after a long day
of style meetings and photo shoots...

and being way too mean to my assistant...

I sometimes bang an underwear model.

My goodness.

I sleep around too.

Just as much. A little more even.

Oh, uh, only 'cause
you have nothing to do all day.

Are we having this fight again?

Writing plays is a real job!

I work 90 hours a week
subsidizing your "real job."

- I won a Tony!
- I brought French cooking to America!

- What?
- Let's do shots!

Uh, no, thank you, Barney.

I have that fishing trip
with J.J. early tomorrow.

- I better take it easy.
- No!

Don't you remember
what you said to me when I was a kid?

"Never stop partying!"

I said that? To a six-year-old?

I don't remember that.

You don't remember the last thing you
said to me when I was a kid?

You know, why don't you just go back home?

But I want to hang out with you.

Yeah, well, I want to hang out
with Crazy Jerry...

not Stay-At-Home Jerome.

Fine.

You want Crazy Jerry?

There! You got him!

I apologize. It might take
a few minutes to kick in.

Hey, sugar!

Five beers for the table...

a Seven and Seven for me...

and your 10 digits for this guy here!

Tonight Crazy Jerry
gonna burn this disco down!

Whoo! Whoo-hoo!

Can you believe it? This is awesome!

Barney, how is that awesome?

I finally know what it's like
to be embarrassed by my dad.

So, you really believe...

that if we were in an open marriage...

that you would do better than me?

Hey, you do better than me
at a lot of other things.

Like... digesting dairy
and reaching for stuff.

Okay, you know what? Game on.

If I can score five numbers
before you can...

then we have sex in the bathroom.

But if you can score
five numbers before me...

then we have sex in the bathroom.

So our usual wager?

Deal.

Hey, uh... Hey, Jerry.

You, you really wanna
be out here like this?

Oh, sorry,
small town preacher from the Midwest.

Is there a law against dancing?

No, of course not. I just...

Oh, this club blows!

Let's hit the greatest party in the world...

the streets of New York!

- Yeah!
- Yes! Let's do it!

Maybe fix the tie.

But mostly party!

Okay, Jerry's gone. Let's break up.

Okay.

I would've stolen you a whole orchestra.
There. What's the rush?

Well, that guy who came over here
who thinks we're dating...

I kinda have a crush on him.
Can you help me clear it up?

Really? That guy? He was like a four.

A four?

God, you are like
the worst judge of guys ever.

If he is a four, what are you?

Hey, I'm not perfect.
I'm an eight... and a half.

You're a doofus and a half.

Fine. Let's go talk to him.

Where'd you meet this booger-eater anyway?

Uh, at a close-out sale at Dawes.

Oh, really? I remember that sale.

Hey, Robin.

Oh, Ted. Oh, no.

Look what I just bought.

Right? Right?

Hold on. We were dating then.

I specifically remember
because we had great sex that ni...

Great sex.

Mmm. Let me guess.

Someone wants to knock boots.

Boots.

Just take off your damn shirt. Okay.

All right.

- Oh, oh, stop.
- What?

Stop. Perfect.

But I can't see, and you can't see me.

Yeah. Yeah, just like that.

You were picturing your crush!

Well, somebody had to...

Okay. Okay. Answer me this.

Are you absolutely sure
it had nothing whatsoever...

to do with the boots?

Yes.

You hear that everybody? She said yes!

We're getting married!

I love this girl.
I'm never letting her go.

Mmm!

Hey. Bottoms up, amigo!

After that, Barney's
memory of the night got a little hazy.

You wanna fight me?

Well, I'll fight you, dummy!

You don't even... know.

Hey, hey, hey! Here we go!

Look what I just ripped out of the ground!

I just puked on the hood of that...

police car.

Too bad your playwright friend
isn't a lawyer.

Barney, I'm so sorry.

I'm afraid this is what it's like
hanging out with Crazy Jerry.

It's okay, Dad.

I never thought tonight
would be so awesomel

So, next stop... strip club.

The Lusty Leopard has a special...

- Oh, for corn's sake, Barney, I'm not drunk!
- What?

I told you I don't party anymore,
and you wouldn't take no for an answer.

So...

I used a little sleight of hand...

to make you think otherwise.

- Here ya go.
- Whoa!

Bottoms up, amigo!

But all those crazy things you did.

You happen to remember
what a magician's best friend is?

A drunk audience.

You wanna fight me?

Well, I'll fight you, dummy!

You don't even... know.

I can't...

Look.

Look what I just ripped out of the ground!

No!

What just happened?

I just puked on the hood of that...

police car.

But why do all those things?

I figured if I showed you what
"never stop partying" really looked like...

you'd realize you can't do it forever.

Oh, well.

You lied to me all night
for your own selfish reasons?

Daddy!

I wanted to hang out with you.
You're my son.

And since you didn't want to come
with me and J.J. on that fishing trip...

Fishing trip.

I'll never make it back in time now.

Hey, you know,
a pretty good magician like you...

probably knows how to, say,
get out of a standard set of handcuffs.

Perhaps.

Well, here's something you didn't know.

I'm a pretty good magician too.

- Abracadabra!
- Hoo-hoo!

- Congratulations.
- Oh, hey! Thank you so much.

We're super excited. We're thinking June.

Yeah. Okay.

Okay, jerk.

Do you remember how you ended up buying
those red cowboy boots?

Wow. Wardrobe malfunction
at the O.K. Corral.

I mean, who in their right mind
would ever...

You would look so totally hot in those.

Do you have these in a size 11?

So get off the field at the Superdome,
because you ain't no Saint.

Hello.

- I have...
- Oh!

Hi, Robin.

Could I have your phone number?

- We need someplace to hide.
- Where?

No, Jerry. This is not the time
to go to another club.

We've gotta get you back home
in time for that trip.

There's no more trains. There's no cabs.

Well, I do have
a few driving students in the city.

- Step on it!
- Do not step on it.

- Jerry, we have got to get you home...
- 10:00 and 2:00.

in time for that fishing trip!

- The laws are there to...
- This is no time for laws!

- Buckle up, Barney.
- I'm not going to buckle up!

I am your father! You will listen to me!

Hey, how's the open marriage going?

Who was the first to get to five numbers?

I won that race.
My prize... sex in the bathroom.

And I won that race.

Sorry that secret crush
didn't work out for you.

Oh, it's okay.

- I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
- Mmm.

Why are you smiling?

I don't know.

Good night.

Saw that girl again.

And guess what? She's engaged.

So that's the end of that.

It wasn't the end that. More on that later.

And her fianc?? The guy's like a two.

How did you do it?

Do what?

How did you become this?

I mean, I love my life, but...

I'm not sure I like loving it.

Sure, strip clubs...

You're drifting.

Hey, I'm trying to open up to you.

No, Mrs. Perkins, you're drifting!

Go on, Barney.

When I think about going
for anything more than that...

I look at my life and who I am, and...

I'm too far gone.

I'm broken.

Son...

I was far more broken than you'll ever be,
and look at me now.

Don't get me wrong.

Settling down is a challenge.

It's the biggest challenge of your life.

So how do you do it?

A magician never
reveals his greatest trick.

But I'll give you a hint.

You gotta meet the right girl.

Who knows?

Maybe you'll meet her tomorrow.

Maybe I've met her already.

And park. And emergency brake.

I did have a good time tonight.

And, hey, if you wanna go fishing,
we got room in the boat.

Maybe some other time.

Okay.

Oh, and, uh...

thanks for taking such good care of this.

It means a lot to me
that you kept it safe all these years.

I'm going fishing with my dad.

This...

sucks.

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