How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 5, Episode 3 - Robin 101 - full transcript
When Robin fears that Barney is cheating on her, she soon discovers that he is spending his evenings with Ted learning everything there is to know on how to date her
{\pos(192,210)}Kids, your uncle Barney had been called
a lot of names over the years.
{\pos(192,210)}Jerk!
{\pos(192,210)}Bastard!
Barack Obama Jr.?!
And yes... We can.
But there's one name none of us
ever expected to hear him called.
Boyfriend.
Barney Stinson is my boyfriend.
I've said it, like, a hundred times
it still sounds weird to say.
Well, anything sounds weird
if you say it a hundred times.
Bowl.
Bowl.
Bowl.
But other than that,
things are good?
I don't know.
I think he's been
single for too long.
The other night,
I wake up at 4:00 a.m.
Are you awake?
This is not a one-night stand.
We're dating. Come back to bed.
That's happened three times.
It's not just that, it's other things.
What's wrong?
It was just one thing after another
at work today, and then...
I found out my aunt's
in the hospital.
I'm just, I'm feeling
so overwhelmed and...
What you need to do
is talk through this stuff.
Thanks.
And, once you're off the phone
with Lily,
I'll be down in the bar
ready to have sex.
Look, I'm not the touchy-feely-est
person in the world, but...
- A little more effort would be nice.
- I understand.
I guess, in a lot of ways,
Barney doesn't stack up.
I mean, you've had
some pretty incredible boyfriends.
No, that's not it.
I don't know.
Maybe he just
doesn't have it in him.
Maybe this {\whole}thing's a big mistake.
- She really said that?
- And she meant it.
Trust me. I dated Robin for a year.
If you don't want to lose her,
you gotta try a little harder.
Be more attentive
to where she is emotionally.
Just... be present.
- Yes, totally.
- Yeah.
Only thing, and this is just me...
I like my testicles
attached to my body,
rather than rolling around next
to some eyeliner in Robin's purse.
Stinson out!
But then a funny thing happened.
Over the next couple weeks,
Barney was thoughtful, considerate...
Sweet.
In short, the perfect boyfriend.
Which, to Robin,
meant only one thing.
- He's cheating on me.
- What?!
Why else would he buy me flowers?
He's gettin' some on the side.
Come on, Barney's not the type of guy
who would... Go on.
{\Plus, }He keeps saying he's working late.
When I call his office,
they say he left hours ago.
- That doesn't prove anything.
- Yes. Proof.
Good word.
I'm glad you brought that up.
Barney's briefcase.
He forgot it here this morning.
And what do you plan
on doing with it?
We... You and I, are going to open it up
and look for evidence.
Ted probably has a sledgehammer
around here somewhere.
Stop! Stop! Eye contact.
Listen to me.
Robin Scherbatsky is many things:
friend, confidant,
occasional guest star
in some confusing dreams
that remind me a woman's sexuality
is a moving target.
But she is no crazy,
jealous stalker-bitch.
Let go.
I've been down in the basement
storage area
going through the stuff that
Lily and I left when we moved out.
Sorry. We should've
cleared it out for you much sooner.
- There's a basement storage area?
- You're not upset.
Good.
Baby, guess what I found.
- That's great, honey.
- What the hell is that?
Marshall got it in college.
He used it as a nightstand for years.
Until we found out that Lily
was allergic to barrel resin.
- Barrel resin?
- Just go with it.
- So you need a hand throwing it out?
- No, I'm not...
I'm not just going
to throw her out, OK?
Mabel's like family.
So, what are you going
to do with Mabel?
I want to give her away,
to a lucky new owner.
- Do you know anyone?
- Yeah, let me think.
Do I know any rodeo clowns?
That's weird, I do. But even Lenny
wouldn't go near that mess.
{\Well, }He's not going to have the chance,
because I am putting old Mabel
in the Bermuda triangle.
"The Bermuda triangle"
was the name we'd given years earlier
to the curb right
in front of our building.
Whenever we wanted to give
something away, we'd put it right there.
It was uncanny.
This is so exciting.
Right now there's some out there
who has no idea that tonight
they're going home with just...
just the best barrel.
{\Well, }Let's just hope they're not allergic
to barrel resin like Lily here.
Be cool, baby. Damn!
- See you, sweetie. Good luck.
- Bye, babe.
- Now, can we please get out of here?
- I'll grab my coat.
- A college notebook?!
- Oh, my god, he's cheating on me
with some college girl.
I knew there was a skank,
but I thought she'd at least be dumb.
"Birthday: July 23.
"Favorite hockey team:
the Vancouver Canucks.
Age: 29, but tells
people that she's 26."
Oh, my god,
these are notes about me.
Or some 29-year-old version of me.
I hope I'm not too late! I want to see
the look of joy on the new owner's face!
She's still there!
Okay Mabel, let's find
you a new home.
Here comes a guy!
He just walked,
walked right on by it.
He's probably rushing home
to get a handcart or something.
Yeah!
Better hurry up, pal.
What are you guys doing with Barney's
secret Robin notebook?
Let me rephrase that.
Did you two ladies lose some weight?
What do you know about this?
Why would Barney have a notebook
full of information about me?
Well...
The truth was...
Barney was taking a
night school class...
... taught... by me.
Welcome to Robin 101.
Synchro: ShalimarFox, Titou
.:: La Fabrique ::.
Why is Ted teaching
a class about me?
It all started a few weeks ago.
{\pos(192,210)}... rather than rolling around next
to some eyeliner in Robin's purse.
{\pos(192,210)}Stinson out!
{\pos(192,210)}Stinson back in.
{\pos(192,210)}Say, hypothetically, I did
{\pos(192,210)}want to change who I am to become
a better boyfriend to Robin,
{\pos(192,210)}which I do not!
{\pos(192,220)}What kind of changes
are we talking about?
{\pos(192,220)}Why, I mean, there's just so much
you need to know about her.
{\pos(192,210)}Okay, for starters,
{\pos(192,210)}don't ever cry in front of her.
{\pos(192,210)}And whatever you do,
{\pos(192,210)}don't cry in front of her
four times.
{\pos(192,180)}Hey, guys.
What you talking about?
{\pos(192,180)}Fantasy football.
{\pos(192,210)}They realized they couldn't talk
about this stuff at the bar,
{\pos(192,210)}and since you live with Ted,
they had to find someplace safe.
{\pos(192,210)}So... Ted's classroom.
{\pos(192,220)}"How to date Robin Scherbatsky."
{\pos(192,210)}Lesson one.
{\pos(192,210)}Now, even though she puts up
a tough exterior,
{\pos(192,210)}what Robin really wants,
deep down...
- I'm bored.
- You said you wanted my help.
Can we draw boobs on the chalkboard?
- We did that already.
- No, like, really big boobs.
{\pos(192,210)}No. Look, I need this, too.
{\pos(192,210)}I've only been a professor a few weeks.
Being up here, it's,
{\pos(192,210)}- it's good practice for me.
- Can we've class outside?
{\pos(192,210)}What Robin really
wants deep down is...
{\pos(192,210)}- Barney!
- What?
{\pos(192,210)}I'm tweeting about you.
{\pos(192,210)}You should be flattered.
{\pos(192,210)}How do you spell
blah-blah-blah, "H'S" or no?
{\pos(192,210)}You were just, like, the worst student
in the world, weren't you?
{\pos(192,210)}They said I had A, D... something.
{\pos(192,210)}Can we have class outside?
{\pos(192,210)}Barney, I'm only gonna
say this once,
{\pos(192,210)}so listen up.
{\pos(192,190}I love you and I love Robin.
And I want to make this work.
{\pos(192,210)}So if you give me
a few weeks of attention,
{\pos(192,210)}I could give you
a lifetime of happiness.
Can you do that for me?
Do you think I should get sports
illustrated for 70% off the cover price?
Can we have class outside?
I got to find a way
to reach this kid.
"Class number two."
"Top ten Robin Scherbatsky
facial expressions
and their meaning."
Now, notice the vacant eyes,
the pale, queasy expression,
suggesting nausea.
- What do these mean?
- You guys just had sex?
Wasn't me.
Dude! I worked really hard
on these slides, okay?
Can we just...
This look is hunger.
If you ever see her looking like this,
get some food in her quick,
or one of two things will happen.
One:
weird, out-of-context laughter.
Or two:
spontaneously falling
asleep in strange places.
But...
the most important facial
expression of all?
That's a building.
That's for my class.
The Flatiron building.
Fun story about it.
It was designed by Chicago's
Daniel Burnham
in the beaux arts style;
this architectural gem was one...
- Dude!
- Right.
The most important facial
expression of all.
Flared nostril ridges.
Wide, unblinking eyes.
If you ever,
ever see this face, Barney,
run.
And don't take a picture of it.
She will punch you.
And you will cry...
for the third time...
that night.
Which brings us
to an important point,
defusing the bomb.
"Defusing the bomb"?
What does that even mean?
"Three topics to distract Robin
from being mad at you".
"Distract" me?
That is so condescending.
These guys
are really starting to piss me off!
"Immediately switch the conversation
to one of the following,
"unless you want Robin
to start throwing her shoes".
One:
"Vancouver Canucks
2004 division title."
What?!
That's not distracting.
That's just talking about the story
of a scrappy little underdog team
that prevailed despite
very shaky goaltending and, frankly,
the decling skills of Trevor Linden.
Two:
"Proper gun cleaning
and maintenance".
You have to clean your gun.
My uncle had a filthy old shotgun,
blew his thumbs off
trying to shoot a beaver.
You want to distract someone,
make them watch my uncle
try to eat corn on the cob.
Three:
"Emperor penguins."
Did you know
that before intercourse,
the male and female emperor penguins
bow to each other?
Mr. Penguin.
Mrs. Penguin.
Oh, God,
silly penguins acting all fancy.
What were we talking about?
Looks like we got a taker.
Come on, dude.
You know you want to.
A guy like you, beard, no mustache.
You're exactly the kind of guy
who could use a sweet barrel.
Do it.
That's not a fire hydrant!
What...
For shame, sir.
For shame!
I bet you couldn't even grow a mustache
if you wanted to.
Neither can you{\, sweetie}.
{\Well, }He doesn't know that, baby!{\ God!}
Ted's only teaching Barney
horrible things about me.
I don't know.
Check this out.
This is {\actually }kind of sweet.
Now, we all know Robin's not
what you'd call "touchy-feely."
She doesn't say "I love you"
like a normal person.
Instead, she'll laugh,
shake her head,
give you a little smile and say
"You're an idiot."
"You're an idiot"?
If she tells you you're an idiot,
you're a lucky man.
And if she does say "I love you",
she's already broken up {\with you }in her mind.
{\I think }It's nice
that Ted knows you that well.
{\Well, }Too bad,
it's next to a page entitled...
"Robin Scherbatsky's
surprising erogenous zones."
Right knee,
ticklish.
Left knee...
Does lefty like that?
Lefty like that.
I can't believe
I'm taking sexual advice from Ted Mosby.
That's like taking fashion advice
from...
Well, Ted Mosby.
Here's a good one.
"Top five things never to do
around Robin".
Three:
"Never, ever,
play the "Guess who?" game with her."
What do you mean?
Guess who?
It's me! It's me! It's me!
Four:
"unless you want to see it
80 times a day, for the next month,
never show Robin a youtube clip
of an animal
playing a musical instrument."
Barney!
- Do you have a problem with this class?
- It's boring as hell
and I'm not learning anything.
Maybe the problem is your attitude.
You're not listening to a word I say.
Can you hear this, professor?
Or should I turn it up for you?
It may not have been a thumbs-up,
kids.
So, you think
you're not learning anything?
Pop quiz.
When Robin's PMS-ing,
what {\kind of }chocolate should you get her?
- Trick question. {\Get her }Butterscotch.
- Correct! Why?
Butterscotch is to Canadian women
what chocolate is to American women.
Correct!
{\What is }Robin's dream job?
To become the most successful
female tv journalist{\of all time}.
Correct! And if she achieves that,
will she truly be happy?
Robin's deep-seated need for attention
can be traced
back to her father's
emotional distance,
and no {\amount of }success will ever make up
for what she truly needs,
which is six simple words from her dad:
"Robin, I'm proud of you, eh?".
But I guess you're right.
You haven't learned anything.
Sorry to have wasted your time.
"O captain! My captain!".
How good was dead poet's society?
I know, right?
The end? Tears.
Can I just say
that my deepest need in life
is not to have my father to say
"I am proud of you, eh?".
- Then why are you crying right now?
- I'm not crying.
Sweetie.
Can I get you some butterscotch?
Stop it.
Wait a second.
It says here that the class meets
at 6:15 on Tuesday.
- So?
- That's right now.
Now, as you can see,
well over 50% of the blankets
have been dragged onto her side.
Make no mistake.
Robin Scherbatsky is a classic,
textbook...
cover hog.
- Any questions?
- I have one.
Flared nostril ridges.
Wide, unblinking eyes.
{\pos(192,220)}I got this.
{\pos(192,220)}So, emperor penguins,
{\pos(192,220)}Crazy!
{\pos(192,220)}What {\the hell }do you {\two }think you're doing?
Marshall, did you sell us out?
I was vulnerable.
I said good-bye
to a very dear friend today.
Dude, it's a barrel!
You're giving Mabel away?
I have so many questions.
Why would you do this?
What were you thinking?
Who the hell is that guy?
That's Shin-Ya.
He's sort of been auditing the class.
"Auditing"?
{\Well, }I tried to explain
{\to him }it wasn't a real class,
but I don't think he speaks {\much }english.
On the bright side,
he came in handy standing in for you
during the role-playing exercises.
Wait, you did role-playing exercises
where I was played by Shin-Ya?
{\You know, }I can't believe you, Ted.
You actually think
you're {\some }kind of an expert on me?
He is an expert.
He's a great teacher!
Kiss ass.
You know, half the stuff
in this notebook is patently wrong.
Really?
Name one wrong thing.
"Robin Scherbatsky's
surprising erogenous zones"?
Let me clear something up for you.
Does lefty like that?
Don't want to leave out righty.
The right one's ticklish, I guess.
But the left one,
I'm glad you're back there.
Because that is just some...
sweet, sweet lovin'.
Noted.
- That was a lie?
- We had just started dating.
I was being nice.
And you.
{\You know, }I got it into my head this week
that you were cheating on me.
I even broke open your briefcase
to look for evidence.
That is a huge violation
of my privacy!
Go on.
You know, in a way, I was right.
You cheated.
You can't get {\some }crib sheet on dating me.
That's not how it works.
If we can't figure out
how to be with each other
in a real, honest way,
I don't see
the point of even trying.
What do you want?
Look.
All that stuff I told Barney...
It was personal between you and me.
I'm really sorry.
{\I guess }I'm impressed
by how much you remembered.
It's funny.
When you date someone,
it's like you're...
taking one long course
in who that person is
and then, when you break up,
all that stuff becomes useless.
{\pos(192,220)}It's the emotional equivalent
of an english degree.
{\I guess }I {\just }liked the idea
of putting all my Robin Scherbatsky
knowledge to good use, you know?
Since you know me pretty well...
Am I fooling myself
with this whole Barney thing?
I don't know.
I will say this, though.
I've seen Barney work very hard
to get women.
I've seen him work very hard
to get rid of women.
I've never seen him work this hard
to keep one around.
I was going to give him an A.
Well, B+,
Shin-Ya kind of screwed up the curve.
Before you say anything,
I am done with this stupid Robin 101.
Here, I'll get rid of the notebook.
But there's...
There's something
that I did want to say to you.
Robin,
I have been with a lot of women,
Blondes, brunettes, redheads.
Big boobs, small boobs,
medium boobs.
Some boobs that were big,
but kind of in a bad way.
The point is...
Boobs that pointed in opposite direc...
The point is...
I'm really scared
that you're going to dump me
and that's
why I did this and I'm sorry.
You're an idiot.
You know...
That notebook does contain
a lot of personal info,
and I think it has my home address.
And your work address.
If you don't want the barrel,
can you sit somewhere else?
'cause you're scaring away
potential takers!
Designed by Chicago's Daniel Burnham
in the beaux arts style,
this architectural gem
was the first of its kind...
Professor Mosby?
That's a woman drinking beer
on the toilet.
Right.
That...
was Daniel Burnham's wife.
She was a troubled, troubled woman.
We are moving on.
a lot of names over the years.
{\pos(192,210)}Jerk!
{\pos(192,210)}Bastard!
Barack Obama Jr.?!
And yes... We can.
But there's one name none of us
ever expected to hear him called.
Boyfriend.
Barney Stinson is my boyfriend.
I've said it, like, a hundred times
it still sounds weird to say.
Well, anything sounds weird
if you say it a hundred times.
Bowl.
Bowl.
Bowl.
But other than that,
things are good?
I don't know.
I think he's been
single for too long.
The other night,
I wake up at 4:00 a.m.
Are you awake?
This is not a one-night stand.
We're dating. Come back to bed.
That's happened three times.
It's not just that, it's other things.
What's wrong?
It was just one thing after another
at work today, and then...
I found out my aunt's
in the hospital.
I'm just, I'm feeling
so overwhelmed and...
What you need to do
is talk through this stuff.
Thanks.
And, once you're off the phone
with Lily,
I'll be down in the bar
ready to have sex.
Look, I'm not the touchy-feely-est
person in the world, but...
- A little more effort would be nice.
- I understand.
I guess, in a lot of ways,
Barney doesn't stack up.
I mean, you've had
some pretty incredible boyfriends.
No, that's not it.
I don't know.
Maybe he just
doesn't have it in him.
Maybe this {\whole}thing's a big mistake.
- She really said that?
- And she meant it.
Trust me. I dated Robin for a year.
If you don't want to lose her,
you gotta try a little harder.
Be more attentive
to where she is emotionally.
Just... be present.
- Yes, totally.
- Yeah.
Only thing, and this is just me...
I like my testicles
attached to my body,
rather than rolling around next
to some eyeliner in Robin's purse.
Stinson out!
But then a funny thing happened.
Over the next couple weeks,
Barney was thoughtful, considerate...
Sweet.
In short, the perfect boyfriend.
Which, to Robin,
meant only one thing.
- He's cheating on me.
- What?!
Why else would he buy me flowers?
He's gettin' some on the side.
Come on, Barney's not the type of guy
who would... Go on.
{\Plus, }He keeps saying he's working late.
When I call his office,
they say he left hours ago.
- That doesn't prove anything.
- Yes. Proof.
Good word.
I'm glad you brought that up.
Barney's briefcase.
He forgot it here this morning.
And what do you plan
on doing with it?
We... You and I, are going to open it up
and look for evidence.
Ted probably has a sledgehammer
around here somewhere.
Stop! Stop! Eye contact.
Listen to me.
Robin Scherbatsky is many things:
friend, confidant,
occasional guest star
in some confusing dreams
that remind me a woman's sexuality
is a moving target.
But she is no crazy,
jealous stalker-bitch.
Let go.
I've been down in the basement
storage area
going through the stuff that
Lily and I left when we moved out.
Sorry. We should've
cleared it out for you much sooner.
- There's a basement storage area?
- You're not upset.
Good.
Baby, guess what I found.
- That's great, honey.
- What the hell is that?
Marshall got it in college.
He used it as a nightstand for years.
Until we found out that Lily
was allergic to barrel resin.
- Barrel resin?
- Just go with it.
- So you need a hand throwing it out?
- No, I'm not...
I'm not just going
to throw her out, OK?
Mabel's like family.
So, what are you going
to do with Mabel?
I want to give her away,
to a lucky new owner.
- Do you know anyone?
- Yeah, let me think.
Do I know any rodeo clowns?
That's weird, I do. But even Lenny
wouldn't go near that mess.
{\Well, }He's not going to have the chance,
because I am putting old Mabel
in the Bermuda triangle.
"The Bermuda triangle"
was the name we'd given years earlier
to the curb right
in front of our building.
Whenever we wanted to give
something away, we'd put it right there.
It was uncanny.
This is so exciting.
Right now there's some out there
who has no idea that tonight
they're going home with just...
just the best barrel.
{\Well, }Let's just hope they're not allergic
to barrel resin like Lily here.
Be cool, baby. Damn!
- See you, sweetie. Good luck.
- Bye, babe.
- Now, can we please get out of here?
- I'll grab my coat.
- A college notebook?!
- Oh, my god, he's cheating on me
with some college girl.
I knew there was a skank,
but I thought she'd at least be dumb.
"Birthday: July 23.
"Favorite hockey team:
the Vancouver Canucks.
Age: 29, but tells
people that she's 26."
Oh, my god,
these are notes about me.
Or some 29-year-old version of me.
I hope I'm not too late! I want to see
the look of joy on the new owner's face!
She's still there!
Okay Mabel, let's find
you a new home.
Here comes a guy!
He just walked,
walked right on by it.
He's probably rushing home
to get a handcart or something.
Yeah!
Better hurry up, pal.
What are you guys doing with Barney's
secret Robin notebook?
Let me rephrase that.
Did you two ladies lose some weight?
What do you know about this?
Why would Barney have a notebook
full of information about me?
Well...
The truth was...
Barney was taking a
night school class...
... taught... by me.
Welcome to Robin 101.
Synchro: ShalimarFox, Titou
.:: La Fabrique ::.
Why is Ted teaching
a class about me?
It all started a few weeks ago.
{\pos(192,210)}... rather than rolling around next
to some eyeliner in Robin's purse.
{\pos(192,210)}Stinson out!
{\pos(192,210)}Stinson back in.
{\pos(192,210)}Say, hypothetically, I did
{\pos(192,210)}want to change who I am to become
a better boyfriend to Robin,
{\pos(192,210)}which I do not!
{\pos(192,220)}What kind of changes
are we talking about?
{\pos(192,220)}Why, I mean, there's just so much
you need to know about her.
{\pos(192,210)}Okay, for starters,
{\pos(192,210)}don't ever cry in front of her.
{\pos(192,210)}And whatever you do,
{\pos(192,210)}don't cry in front of her
four times.
{\pos(192,180)}Hey, guys.
What you talking about?
{\pos(192,180)}Fantasy football.
{\pos(192,210)}They realized they couldn't talk
about this stuff at the bar,
{\pos(192,210)}and since you live with Ted,
they had to find someplace safe.
{\pos(192,210)}So... Ted's classroom.
{\pos(192,220)}"How to date Robin Scherbatsky."
{\pos(192,210)}Lesson one.
{\pos(192,210)}Now, even though she puts up
a tough exterior,
{\pos(192,210)}what Robin really wants,
deep down...
- I'm bored.
- You said you wanted my help.
Can we draw boobs on the chalkboard?
- We did that already.
- No, like, really big boobs.
{\pos(192,210)}No. Look, I need this, too.
{\pos(192,210)}I've only been a professor a few weeks.
Being up here, it's,
{\pos(192,210)}- it's good practice for me.
- Can we've class outside?
{\pos(192,210)}What Robin really
wants deep down is...
{\pos(192,210)}- Barney!
- What?
{\pos(192,210)}I'm tweeting about you.
{\pos(192,210)}You should be flattered.
{\pos(192,210)}How do you spell
blah-blah-blah, "H'S" or no?
{\pos(192,210)}You were just, like, the worst student
in the world, weren't you?
{\pos(192,210)}They said I had A, D... something.
{\pos(192,210)}Can we have class outside?
{\pos(192,210)}Barney, I'm only gonna
say this once,
{\pos(192,210)}so listen up.
{\pos(192,190}I love you and I love Robin.
And I want to make this work.
{\pos(192,210)}So if you give me
a few weeks of attention,
{\pos(192,210)}I could give you
a lifetime of happiness.
Can you do that for me?
Do you think I should get sports
illustrated for 70% off the cover price?
Can we have class outside?
I got to find a way
to reach this kid.
"Class number two."
"Top ten Robin Scherbatsky
facial expressions
and their meaning."
Now, notice the vacant eyes,
the pale, queasy expression,
suggesting nausea.
- What do these mean?
- You guys just had sex?
Wasn't me.
Dude! I worked really hard
on these slides, okay?
Can we just...
This look is hunger.
If you ever see her looking like this,
get some food in her quick,
or one of two things will happen.
One:
weird, out-of-context laughter.
Or two:
spontaneously falling
asleep in strange places.
But...
the most important facial
expression of all?
That's a building.
That's for my class.
The Flatiron building.
Fun story about it.
It was designed by Chicago's
Daniel Burnham
in the beaux arts style;
this architectural gem was one...
- Dude!
- Right.
The most important facial
expression of all.
Flared nostril ridges.
Wide, unblinking eyes.
If you ever,
ever see this face, Barney,
run.
And don't take a picture of it.
She will punch you.
And you will cry...
for the third time...
that night.
Which brings us
to an important point,
defusing the bomb.
"Defusing the bomb"?
What does that even mean?
"Three topics to distract Robin
from being mad at you".
"Distract" me?
That is so condescending.
These guys
are really starting to piss me off!
"Immediately switch the conversation
to one of the following,
"unless you want Robin
to start throwing her shoes".
One:
"Vancouver Canucks
2004 division title."
What?!
That's not distracting.
That's just talking about the story
of a scrappy little underdog team
that prevailed despite
very shaky goaltending and, frankly,
the decling skills of Trevor Linden.
Two:
"Proper gun cleaning
and maintenance".
You have to clean your gun.
My uncle had a filthy old shotgun,
blew his thumbs off
trying to shoot a beaver.
You want to distract someone,
make them watch my uncle
try to eat corn on the cob.
Three:
"Emperor penguins."
Did you know
that before intercourse,
the male and female emperor penguins
bow to each other?
Mr. Penguin.
Mrs. Penguin.
Oh, God,
silly penguins acting all fancy.
What were we talking about?
Looks like we got a taker.
Come on, dude.
You know you want to.
A guy like you, beard, no mustache.
You're exactly the kind of guy
who could use a sweet barrel.
Do it.
That's not a fire hydrant!
What...
For shame, sir.
For shame!
I bet you couldn't even grow a mustache
if you wanted to.
Neither can you{\, sweetie}.
{\Well, }He doesn't know that, baby!{\ God!}
Ted's only teaching Barney
horrible things about me.
I don't know.
Check this out.
This is {\actually }kind of sweet.
Now, we all know Robin's not
what you'd call "touchy-feely."
She doesn't say "I love you"
like a normal person.
Instead, she'll laugh,
shake her head,
give you a little smile and say
"You're an idiot."
"You're an idiot"?
If she tells you you're an idiot,
you're a lucky man.
And if she does say "I love you",
she's already broken up {\with you }in her mind.
{\I think }It's nice
that Ted knows you that well.
{\Well, }Too bad,
it's next to a page entitled...
"Robin Scherbatsky's
surprising erogenous zones."
Right knee,
ticklish.
Left knee...
Does lefty like that?
Lefty like that.
I can't believe
I'm taking sexual advice from Ted Mosby.
That's like taking fashion advice
from...
Well, Ted Mosby.
Here's a good one.
"Top five things never to do
around Robin".
Three:
"Never, ever,
play the "Guess who?" game with her."
What do you mean?
Guess who?
It's me! It's me! It's me!
Four:
"unless you want to see it
80 times a day, for the next month,
never show Robin a youtube clip
of an animal
playing a musical instrument."
Barney!
- Do you have a problem with this class?
- It's boring as hell
and I'm not learning anything.
Maybe the problem is your attitude.
You're not listening to a word I say.
Can you hear this, professor?
Or should I turn it up for you?
It may not have been a thumbs-up,
kids.
So, you think
you're not learning anything?
Pop quiz.
When Robin's PMS-ing,
what {\kind of }chocolate should you get her?
- Trick question. {\Get her }Butterscotch.
- Correct! Why?
Butterscotch is to Canadian women
what chocolate is to American women.
Correct!
{\What is }Robin's dream job?
To become the most successful
female tv journalist{\of all time}.
Correct! And if she achieves that,
will she truly be happy?
Robin's deep-seated need for attention
can be traced
back to her father's
emotional distance,
and no {\amount of }success will ever make up
for what she truly needs,
which is six simple words from her dad:
"Robin, I'm proud of you, eh?".
But I guess you're right.
You haven't learned anything.
Sorry to have wasted your time.
"O captain! My captain!".
How good was dead poet's society?
I know, right?
The end? Tears.
Can I just say
that my deepest need in life
is not to have my father to say
"I am proud of you, eh?".
- Then why are you crying right now?
- I'm not crying.
Sweetie.
Can I get you some butterscotch?
Stop it.
Wait a second.
It says here that the class meets
at 6:15 on Tuesday.
- So?
- That's right now.
Now, as you can see,
well over 50% of the blankets
have been dragged onto her side.
Make no mistake.
Robin Scherbatsky is a classic,
textbook...
cover hog.
- Any questions?
- I have one.
Flared nostril ridges.
Wide, unblinking eyes.
{\pos(192,220)}I got this.
{\pos(192,220)}So, emperor penguins,
{\pos(192,220)}Crazy!
{\pos(192,220)}What {\the hell }do you {\two }think you're doing?
Marshall, did you sell us out?
I was vulnerable.
I said good-bye
to a very dear friend today.
Dude, it's a barrel!
You're giving Mabel away?
I have so many questions.
Why would you do this?
What were you thinking?
Who the hell is that guy?
That's Shin-Ya.
He's sort of been auditing the class.
"Auditing"?
{\Well, }I tried to explain
{\to him }it wasn't a real class,
but I don't think he speaks {\much }english.
On the bright side,
he came in handy standing in for you
during the role-playing exercises.
Wait, you did role-playing exercises
where I was played by Shin-Ya?
{\You know, }I can't believe you, Ted.
You actually think
you're {\some }kind of an expert on me?
He is an expert.
He's a great teacher!
Kiss ass.
You know, half the stuff
in this notebook is patently wrong.
Really?
Name one wrong thing.
"Robin Scherbatsky's
surprising erogenous zones"?
Let me clear something up for you.
Does lefty like that?
Don't want to leave out righty.
The right one's ticklish, I guess.
But the left one,
I'm glad you're back there.
Because that is just some...
sweet, sweet lovin'.
Noted.
- That was a lie?
- We had just started dating.
I was being nice.
And you.
{\You know, }I got it into my head this week
that you were cheating on me.
I even broke open your briefcase
to look for evidence.
That is a huge violation
of my privacy!
Go on.
You know, in a way, I was right.
You cheated.
You can't get {\some }crib sheet on dating me.
That's not how it works.
If we can't figure out
how to be with each other
in a real, honest way,
I don't see
the point of even trying.
What do you want?
Look.
All that stuff I told Barney...
It was personal between you and me.
I'm really sorry.
{\I guess }I'm impressed
by how much you remembered.
It's funny.
When you date someone,
it's like you're...
taking one long course
in who that person is
and then, when you break up,
all that stuff becomes useless.
{\pos(192,220)}It's the emotional equivalent
of an english degree.
{\I guess }I {\just }liked the idea
of putting all my Robin Scherbatsky
knowledge to good use, you know?
Since you know me pretty well...
Am I fooling myself
with this whole Barney thing?
I don't know.
I will say this, though.
I've seen Barney work very hard
to get women.
I've seen him work very hard
to get rid of women.
I've never seen him work this hard
to keep one around.
I was going to give him an A.
Well, B+,
Shin-Ya kind of screwed up the curve.
Before you say anything,
I am done with this stupid Robin 101.
Here, I'll get rid of the notebook.
But there's...
There's something
that I did want to say to you.
Robin,
I have been with a lot of women,
Blondes, brunettes, redheads.
Big boobs, small boobs,
medium boobs.
Some boobs that were big,
but kind of in a bad way.
The point is...
Boobs that pointed in opposite direc...
The point is...
I'm really scared
that you're going to dump me
and that's
why I did this and I'm sorry.
You're an idiot.
You know...
That notebook does contain
a lot of personal info,
and I think it has my home address.
And your work address.
If you don't want the barrel,
can you sit somewhere else?
'cause you're scaring away
potential takers!
Designed by Chicago's Daniel Burnham
in the beaux arts style,
this architectural gem
was the first of its kind...
Professor Mosby?
That's a woman drinking beer
on the toilet.
Right.
That...
was Daniel Burnham's wife.
She was a troubled, troubled woman.
We are moving on.