How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 5, Episode 4 - The Sexless Innkeeper - full transcript

It was the fall of 2009
and I was a professor now.

So, I decided to change my look a little bit.
And people were noticing.

Ah, tweed. Textile of the eunuch.

You know, I've always wondered why
those tweed jackets have elbow patches.

Because the people
who wear them are constantly going,

"Aw, geez, why can't I get laid?"

You are wrong.
The ladies dig the professor look.

You know, there is something to that.

I remember thinking my
tenth grade math teacher was very sexy.

I wonder if Harold's still in jail.

What? Tax evasion.

Among other things.

So, guys, Marshall and I
wanted to invite you to our place

for a little couples' night.

Sure. Why not?

For years, Marshall and Lily
had been the only married couple

in a group full of single people.

- It got lonely.

So, they were always searching
for another couple to double-date.

There was only one problem.

- Welcome.
- Gouda?

They sucked at it.

This is great. We're having fun.
You're having fun, right?

So, should we just go ahead
and lock the four of us in for New Year's?

Um, it's April.

Right. Sorry.
We're getting ahead of ourselves.

Let's talk Thanksgiving.

Our parents
really want to meet you!

Well, we should probably be going.

Wait. No, wait, if you leave now,
Colonel Mustard just gets away with it.

It's getting pretty late. We're going to go.

There's still pie.

Tonight was fantastic.
We should do it again.

I'm sorry, Marshall, but Falguni and I
are just not that into you. And you.

But just when Lily
and Marshall were about to give up,

two of their best friends
in the world got together.

And hope returned to their hearts.

So, when Lily said...

Marshall and I wanted to invite you
to our place for a little couples' night.

Sure, why not?

Barney and Robin had no idea
what they were about to walk into.

Okay. Game time.
Let's review the flow of the room.

Barney and Robin enter here.
Stop here for margaritas.

That's a great conversation starter.
We can tell them about our trip to Cabo.

Great, 'cause I got that story
about Sammy Hagar

and the Belgian waffle locked and loaded.

Then we'll move on
to the hot apps station.

And, depending on how things are going,
some lively pre-dinner charades.

Right, but we'll play that one by...

Sounds like?

Okay, you can be Robin's partner.

Baby, we can do this.

- Welcome.
- Gouda?

Meanwhile, my half-baked
theory that ladies dig the professor look

was actually proving to be true.

- So, is it hard to grade papers?
- No, you just got to make it fun.

For example, every time I spot
a grammatical error, I do a shot.

I'm trashed right now,
and I blame our public school system.

Sometimes things just seem
to magically fall into place.

So, you said you live right upstairs?

Whether it's in the dating world...

- Take care. Bye.
- Bye!

... or the double-dating world.

Nailed it!

Best night ever!

Worst night ever.

Sync by vNaru

Hey, how was the big couples' night
with Marshall and Lily?

- Brutal.
- Really? How?

It was like we were on a date with
a sad, chubby girl our mom made us call.

Yeah, and they were so nervous,

that they weren't even making
sense half the time.

- Hey.
- Come on in.

Would you like a margarita?

In Cabo, I saw Sammy Hagar eating
a Belgian waffle!

And they kept shoving
platters of food in our faces.

Let me guess. Did Marshall get, like,
super intense about the cheese?

- Yeah, how'd you know?
- Poor Marshall.

Lily's this gourmet cook,
and all she lets Marshall do

is pick out one sad block of cheese.

That's prosciutto-wrapped melon.

You guys are going to want
to get in on this gouda.

That's seared scallops
with a mango chutney.

Seriously, don't sleep on the gouda.

And that's lobster ravioli
in a black truffle oil.

Tick-tock goes the gouda clock.

We didn't realize
there was gonna be dinner.

We sucked down a couple of tacos
outside the subway.

P.S., not sitting great.

And if anything didn't go
according to plan, they would freak out.

What do you mean,
the egg timer is broken?

What are we going to use
for charades, sweetie?

I'm working on it, darling. Okay?
Just stall them.

Now, Robin. You work in television.

We're experiencing some
technical difficulties. You get that?

So, we're still laughing.

Right? Laugh, Marshall.

Come on, they just got excited.

They've been looking for
couple best friends forever.

Plus, I'm sure they weren't that bad.

Show him.

This is a web site Marshall already made
about last night.

It's called itwasthebestnightever. Com.

It was the best night ever

Laughter raining down like April showers

Oh, we talked for hours...

Oh, that's no good.

Best night ever
Then we played charades

Lily made some creme brulée

And now that we're best couple friends

There's only one thing
left to say...

Are you free? Are you free?

Are you free? Are you free?

Are you free next Saturday?

That's the 17th.

Are you free?

Friday or Sunday would also work.
Or basically any other day.

Needless to say,
we've both changed our e-mail addresses.

I don't understand.
If last night went so horribly,

why do Lily and Marshall
think it was such a hit?

I mean, we knew
we were gonna have fun tonight,

but we had no idea how much.

Yeah, tough luck,
every Saturday night I've ever had,

'cause this one just
blew you out of the water.

- Let's do it again, soon.
- Yeah, we'll call you.

They're your friends! Why would you
just blatantly lie to them like that?

Well, that's what you say
at the end of a crappy date.

Hey, Ted. Great time last night.
Let's do it again, soon. I'll call you.

Right?

Who was that?

I don't want to brag,

but it seems chicks are really digging
the whole professor thing.

Last night, she picked me up at the bar.
And then...

Well, she actually wound up falling asleep
on the couch. But, hey, that happens.

Uh, no, it doesn't.

Sure, it does. You know, she was...

She was just exhausted
from being turned on.

But you heard her.
She wants to do it again, soon.

Ted, let me ask you a question.

Where does this girl live, exactly?

Westchester. Why?

You're the Sexless Innkeeper.

Oh, my God! You're right!
He's totally the Sexless Innkeeper!

What the hell is the Sexless Innkeeper?

Ted, many a man... Nay, many a soul

has their own tale
of the Sexless Innkeeper.

Why, I had a run-in with one just last year.

I even composed a poem about it.

- Would you care to hear it?
- Not really.

'Twas the night before New Year's,
and the weather grew mean.

It was 3:00 in the morning,
and I was stranded in Queens.

The tavern grew empty.
The gaslights grew dim.

The horse-drawn carriages
were all but snowed in...

Wait. If this was last year, why are you
acting like it was Oliver Twist?

Ted, it's a poem.

Last call was approaching,
and my fortunes looked bleak.

Then I turned to my left
and stifled a shriek.

She had a peach fuzz beard
and weighed 16 stone.

She gobbled up hot wings
and swallowed the bones.

I muffled a scream
and threw up in my mouth.

I asked, "Where do you live?"And she said,

"One block south."

I swallowed my pride
and six shots of whiskey.

And prayed to the Gods

that she wasn't too frisky.

Back in her cave, she prepared us a snack.

'Neath her mighty hooves,
the floorboards did crack.

But when she returned,
she found a sound sleeper.

And thus she became
the Sexless Innkeeper.

And so are you.

Wait, you're saying that girl
just used me for a place to crash?

Ted, you mentioned that
you live right upstairs.

She saw the tweed jacket,
which basically says

you're not interested in,
nor probably even capable of having sex.

And she thought, "Hey, free lodging."

No way. I'm not the Sexless Innkeeper.

Ted, that girl had no intention
of ever hooking up with you.

Which is funny, because usually it's the
innkeeper who offers turndown service.

Ha!

Hey, guys. Good news.

First of all, you can ignore
all the e-mails and texts we've sent you.

We have. Go on.

Because we went ahead and booked

that couples' weekend
for all of us in Vermont!

Wait, you guys were serious about that?

We never joke about B&B's,
especially at the height of syrup season.

Saturday, we've got apple-picking,
antiquing, then a haunted hay ride.

And then, on Sunday, we're up at 6:00 a.m.
For the fall foliage hike.

Now, you better pack your long johns,
'cause it is cold up there.

Look! I'm sorry that
we have been dodging your calls,

but we respect you guys too much

as friends to give you
some song and dance.

You deserve the truth.

The US Navy has found intelligent alien
life at the bottom of the ocean.

For reasons I can't explain, Robin and I
have been tapped to lead the expedition.

Wow, Barney. That kind of sounds like
the stuff you say to girls

when you're too much of a coward
to dump them.

Yeah. You know,
that's exactly what it sounds like.

But if that's true, that's awesome.

What's going on?

Look, all this coupley stuff, it's just not us.

Barney and I are barely equipped
to date each other, let alone you guys.

Plus, the alien thing.

- Come on, Marshall. Let's go.
- Yeah. Let's go.

- You know what, Lily...
- No, you know what...

No. You know what?

I hope those underwater aliens
are cold-blooded.

'Cause then
you guys will get along just fine.

I think they bought it.

I can't believe
they broke up with us.

We're so lovable.

No, we're not. We're ugly and gross.

- I thought we did everything right.
- I know!

I know. We had the gouda.
We had my waffle story.

I even sent them
an awesome photo montage...

Nothing.

Oh, dear God.

Marshall, we've been over and over this.

You have to stop sending those to people.

It was true. Marshall had
become addicted to creating songs

and photo montages documenting
various mundane events.

So, for months, all of Marshall's friends
and professional colleagues

were getting e-mails like this.

Ordered Chinese food today

Some moo shu pork sauce got away

Flipped the cushion
Now everything's okay

Cat-sitting for Lily's mom

Cat-sitting for Lily's mom

It's gonna be fun

It's gonna bring us all closer together

Cat funeral

Cat funeral

It was an accident

And not entirely my fault

- Meow, meow, meow, meow
- Cat funeral

- Meow, meow, meow, meow
- Cat funeral

We'll miss you, Whiskers.

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow...

I can't believe you sent them one of those.

They think we're insane now.

If I recall, they didn't dump us
until you brought up that Vermont trip.

It was way too early.

First, a boat ride around the city,
then a trip to Vermont.

It's a rookie mistake,
and you're better than that.

What about you forgetting
to check the egg timer for charades?

I gave you one thing to do, Marshall.
One thing.

One thing? One thing?

Wow. Really?

So, I guess that gouda

just walked itself right through the door,

sliced itself up,

and arranged itself in a perfect semi-circle

around not three, not four,

but five different kinds
of sturdy, cheese-bearing crackers?

You're a sturdy, cheese-bearing cracker!

Guys, Lily and Marshall haven't been
to the bar all week.

They're taking this really hard.

Ted, I could listen to this guilt trip all day,

but don't you have to
get back up to the inn?

I mean, who's working the front desk?

Seriously, they're your friends.
You got to go apologize.

To your point, Ted, as an innkeeper,

do you do that cheapy thing where you
only change the linens upon request?

I mean,
how much water is that actually saving?

Robin, you know I'm right.

Ignoring a problem doesn't make it go
away. Usually, it just makes it bigger.

- You're right.
- Thank you.

All that sexlessness has made you wise.

For God's sake!

Mint on the pillow, Ted!

And don't charge for Wi-Fi.
It seems greedy!

But, eventually,
even Barney and Robin had to admit

they owed Lily and Marshall an apology.

Hey. We wanted to say we're sorry.

Oh, I wish you had called.

I swear, he was right there,
just eating a Belgian waffle!

Well, he can't have enjoyed it
as much as I'm enjoying this gouda!

Oh!

Well, listen, now's not a good time.
But we'll call you.

- Wait, wait...
- Look, we just want...

- Hey! Hey, guys.
- Hey, hey, hey! Long time no see.

- Have a seat.
- Hi.

Oh, we can't. We're here with Py and Shea.

- Yeah, so...
- It's just...

We haven't seen you guys all week.

- Hey, maybe all six of us could hang out.
- Yeah.

It might be weird.
We're kind of on a double date.

- Yeah.
- Wouldn't want you to feel like

a fifth and sixth wheel.

Who the hell are these people?

They just moved here from Hawaii.

- Py is a total foodie and Shea, well...
- Mmm!

- She's... Shea...
- Shea.

Shea is just...

Anyhoo, we can't stay long.

We're just gonna grab a quick beer
and then take these kooks

for a boat ride around the city.

Wow, it sounds like
this is getting pretty serious.

Well, we don't want to jinx it, but
we kind of think they might be the two.

- Who needs them?
- Not us.

Living alone

We think of all the friends we've known

But when we dial the telephone

Nobody's home

Hi. Two for dinner.

Just the two of you?

All by ourselves

Don't want to be

All by ourselves anymore

All by ourselves...

Hey, why don't we call that weird couple
down the hall from you?

You know, with the ferrets? Maybe
they want to come over and play Taboo.

After midnight? No way.
We can't Tabooty-call them, it's pathetic.

Hey, guys.

Barney, are you wearing sweat pants?

Maybe. But they're Armani.

Okay, guys,
I've got some bad news for you.

So, I'm just going to come out and say it.
You're a couple.

And no matter how hard you try to fight it,
couples need other couples.

That's why you miss Marshall and Lily.
And can't you just admit that?

Oh, yeah!

- That was amazing, Lily!
- Yeah.

I know! When I got that left-hand-yellow,
I was like, "What?"

- You guys are the best.
- Right back at you!

Ding.

For charades.

How do we know
you two won't hurt us again?

You don't.

You know what? We have two
very nice people up in that apartment

who are perfect for us.

Then what are you doing,
standing out in the rain with us?

Damn it.

Why is there something so attractive
about a bad boy and girl?

I think we can change them.

Come here, you two.

We'll never sleep on the gouda again.

All by ourselves...

Hey, Barney. I got a little poem for you.
You want to hear it?

- Not really.
- 'Twas the night before this one,

I had hours to kill.

I sat in the tavern,
grading parchments with quill.

- With quill?
- Barney. It's a poem.

A busty, young lassie flashed me a grin.

Her garb said classy,
but her eyes whispered sin.

She said, "You're a teacher?"
I said, "Yes, indeed."

"I must have you," she moaned.
"I'm turned on by tweed."

With haste we did scamper
to my chamber anon.

We fell to the couch, and, bro, it was on.

I unlaced her bodice.
Our passions grew deeper.

And thus ends the tale
of the Sexless Innkeeper.

No way. You made that up.

Are you coming back to bed, Professor?

God, I love being single.

Barney, you ready for brunch
with Lily and Marshall?

What have I done?