How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 5, Episode 20 - Home Wreckers - full transcript

Kids,
everyone has one or two moments

when they make a huge, crazy decision
that changes their lives forever.

This is the story of mine.

It all started with a visit from my mom
and her long-time boyfriend, Clint,

who was always saying stuff like...

Ted, your mother
is a very, very erotic woman.

Please don't.

As a painter /songwriter /
volunteer fear fighter,

I find her incredibly sexual.

But you have your own sexual memories
with your mom, don't you?

Please don't.

Exiting her womb. Receiving her milk.
You get me?

Good.

I cannot believe I am with that man.

Mom, Mom, it's okay.

You don't have to settle.
There are plenty of guys...

He's so cool. And he picked me.

Well, I'm glad you're both so happy.

Well, good.
Because we do have an announcement.

Son.

Sync by vNaru

Yes, my mom was lapping me.

Getting married for a second time,
before I was even married once.

I was so happy for them,
so freaking happy.

Still, weddings can be magical.

For all I knew, I'd end up sharing a dance
with my own future wife there.

And if you don't boil those jam jars,
it's just a welcome mat for bacteria.

That wasn't her.

- Oh, congratulations.
- We are so happy for you.

I feel like I'm 19 again.

It's like the last 35 years of my life
never happened.

So wonderful to hear, Mom.

Son, to show that your mom and I
will always be there for you,

I want you to have this beautiful picture,
that I painted.

Kids, there was no guitar.

Excuse me, Ted.

- Best...
- Wedding...

Ever.

Hello, everyone.
Mahalo for being here with us.

My entire life,

well, this life,

this is your song.

When I squeeze
her trembling bosom

Oh, God.

The blood pumps to my loins

When I penetrate her...

Kids, I swear to God,
I blacked out for the next 12 minutes.

So I have no idea
how the song got to this ending.

And Mahatma Gandhi
And the pancakes

- Everyone. And the dragon
And the dragon

And you, Virginia

Guys, guys. Guess what Robin just did?

And true.

Are you crying?

I know it's stupid, but...

- Everyone. And the dragon
- And the dragon

And you...

I'm happy, you know.

Not as happy as I am, Robin.

Guys, guys. Guess what Robin just did?

And then, I told you guys
what Robin just did,

but you were there for that.
I got to tell the rest of the wedding.

Aunt Meredith.

Kids, I can't overstate
how horrible it is to be the single guy

at your own mother's second wedding.

So, Ted, when's your wedding?

So, Ted, when's your wedding?

- When's your wedding?
- When's your wedding?

When's your wedding?

Robin cried at Clint's song.

Oh, I told you already.

Ted's hot sister Heather.

I have to leave.

Wait, Ted, what about your toast?

Make up some emergency or something.
I just... I can't handle this.

Ted, Ted, where you going?
It's your mother's wedding.

Uncle Larry, my hand to God,
Niagara Falls.

And my friends didn't see me
for the next 72 hours.

Seriously, is Ted okay?
I mean, I know it was a rough weekend,

but this radio silence is weird.

I know. His mom's called like five times
asking where he disappeared to.

Sorry, Robin, they're all out of pretzels.
And I know how emotional you get...

Let it go. Let it go.

Okay. Okay.

- I cried at Clint's song.
- She cried at Clint's song.

Hi, guys.

- Ted, where have you been?
- Are you okay?

Oh, I'm better than okay.
I am on top of the world.

Come on. We're going for a ride.

Hey, buddy, do you want to,
maybe, let somebody

who isn't having some sort of
manic episode drive for a while?

Yeah. And where the hell are we going?

First, let me tell you what happened
the night of the wedding.

Watching my mom get married,

I realized how far behind I was
in my own life.

I just had to get out of there.
So I went back to my hotel room,

and got onto this Web site
I sometimes visit when I can't sleep.

No, no, no, no.

We do not want to know what you
and the Internet do when you're lonely.

I didn't. I...

That's not the part of the night
I was talking about.

I went to my favorite
real estate auction site.

Come on, we've all got one.
Scrolled through a few properties and...

Guys, I just bought my dream house.

What do you mean you bought this house?

I mean, I made a bid online,

I won the auction the next day,
and I got approval.

I just finalized the paperwork.

And was the Blair Witch easy to deal with,
or did she haggle over the closing costs?

Don't even joke about that, man.

So, I'm thinking this room
will be the study.

You know, a place just for Dad.

I mean, the kids are welcome in here,
if they're reading a book, but no toys.

It's not a question of withholding love.
It's a question of drawing boundaries.

- Whoa.
- Ted, this is insane.

This is gonna take years,
and a small fortune to make livable.

I'm an architect. I'll find a way.
And if I start right now,

it'll be done by the time
the old wifey and I are ready to move in.

Is she in the room with us right now, Ted?

Okay, okay. I know.
I haven't found Mrs. Mosby yet.

But I will, knock on wood.

- Careful, buddy.
- Okay. Ted.

You can't just skip ahead to
where you think your life should be.

It doesn't work that way.

Yeah, I got to agree. This may be
the stupidest thing you've ever done.

Stupidest thing any of us have ever done.

- Okay, all right. Let's lay off Ted.
- Thank you.

All right. We've all done
some stupid things in our lives.

For example, I remember a time

when I dropped some bottle rockets
in the toilet,

and I tried to dry them off
in the microwave.

You must've been drunk off your ass.

No. Too stupid to be an adult.

He was obviously a kid
when that happened.

A kid? How does a kid even get...

Who puts a bottle rocket
in a microwave?

Oh, my God. Guys, great new game.

"Drunk or Kid?" Which one was I?
Lock in your guesses.

- Drunk.
- Kid.

Drum roll, please.

I was...

Drunk.

- Yeah.
- Hey.

You know, I'm glad Robin got it right.

'Cause she's
very sensitive and fragile.

I'm referencing the time
she cried at Clint's song.

And even though I'm whispering,
I actually hope she hears me.

It wasn't me.

What?

I'm not the one who cried at Clint's song.

And true.

Are you crying?

I know it's stupid, but...

- Everyone. And the dragon
- And the dragon

They're just so happy, you know.

Not as happy as I am.

I will give you $500 if this
just happened to you instead of me.

500 bucks? Deal.

Thank you, Robin.

You just saved me unspeakable
public humiliation and shame.

Hmm.

Guys, guys. Guess what Robin just did?

Wait, you guys are...

Hi, I'm here for the inspection.

Oh! Great.
I was worried you weren't coming.

Well, I was actually here
a few minutes ago,

- but I guess the doorbell doesn't work.
- Hmm.

Oh! Hey,

doorbell does not work.

Wait, wait, you're just getting
this place inspected now?

- Well, yeah.
- Ted...

All right. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

All right. Let's all remember that

we've all done
some stupid things in our lives, okay?

For example, I once tried to ride my bike
down an extension ladder

from the roof of a two-story house.

The only looming question is,

was I drunk or a kid?

- Drunk.
- Kid.

Drum roll, please.

- I was...
- Marshall's dead.

- A kid.
- Marshall's dead. Marshall.

Moms, right?

Just always making a big deal
out of nothing.

Came out of that coma in under a week.

Hey, let's check out the porch, huh?
Come on.

I'm gonna put a grill out here,
every Sunday, right here.

- It's gonna be a total sausage fest.
- Hmm.

Sausage party? Burgers.
Right, I'll do... We'll do burgers.

Ted, stop it. You can't keep this house.
It's a huge mistake.

Lily, listen to me.

I had a plan, okay? Wife, house, kids.

As it turns out, the universe
is being kind of a wad

about the whole wife and kids part.

So what's the one thing I can control?
The house. I bought it.

It's not a huge mistake.

Exactly. Now, me driving my brother's car
the wrong way down l-94,

that was a huge mistake.

- Drunk.
- Kid.

I was...

A kid.

Wow, Barney, what,
did you cry on that guy or something?

Uh... You got leaky pipes.
But the bright side,

the pond in your basement is drowning
some of the larger, slower rats.

The rest of them, well,
they're headed this way.

See, you should've waited to find out
the problems with this house.

You can always find problems
with any decision.

But you can't let that stop you.

Freshman year, Marshall knew right away
he wanted to spend his life with you.

What if someone had been there
to second-guess that decision?

Bye.

I know we've only been on two dates,
but, damn it, Lily Aldrin, I'm...

I'm gonna marry you.

Not so fast.

We got some structural issues here.

These hips are not
Eriksen-baby compliant.

And this thing right here
does not have a proper filter.

That's a maintenance issue
that's never gonna go away.

And I know you think that
you like this gothic exterior now,

but deep down, didn't you always
picture yourself in something Spanish?

I recommend you look into
the rental option.

But Marshall took that leap of faith,

and it's the best thing
that ever happened to you both.

It was Robin.

"What?" Yes!
It was Robin who cried at Clint's song.

"But she said..." I know what she said.

But here's what
she didn't want you to know.

Listen, Barney, I can't stand
all these jokes about me crying.

If I pretend to reveal that
you were the one who cried,

will you go along with it?

Sure.

I made a mistake
letting you go, didn't I?

Your penis is enormous.

Dude, you almost had us.

You always take it one too far.

Damn it.

All right, good news.
I think we'll be out of here early.

- Really?
- Yep.

I finished downstairs and the outside.

Now, I could keep looking
and see what else I can find,

besides the black mold,
the damaged retaining wall,

the frayed electrical wires,
the lead paint, the water damage,

the fire damage, the sun damage,

the broken furnace,
the rotted floorboards...

- Hey, look at that, no termites.
- Ooh.

The cracked chimney,
the bats, the rats, the spiders,

the raccoons,
the hobo, the detached gutter,

the outdated fuse box

and the paint job in the kitchen,
which is fine,

but the trim really clashes
with the countertops.

Or I could just recommend

that you do not buy this godforsaken
Guant?namo Bay of a house,

and suggest that
we all get our asses out of here

before a medium-sized wind
blows the whole sumbitch down.

What if...
What if I already bought the sumbitch?

Well, I will check out the upstairs.

Did he say he found a hobo?

Okay, yes. There are problems.

But I see this house
for what I know it can be.

I see a swing on that tree outside.

I see a wreath on the front door
at Christmas,

I see a grill out on that patio,
where I'll be barbecuing every weekend.

I see a life that I know I can have here.

Mama.

I see a lawsuit.

Found termites.

Bye.

Hey, well, the good news is, the inspector
killed some roaches on impact.

Hold on.

Giant hole in second floor.

Just want to make sure
the report is thorough.

Oh, you were right.

This was a huge mistake. It's just...

Everyone's moving on but me.
You guys got a place years ago.

Robin's getting serious with Don.

Barney, maybe, that's a new tie?

Thank you. Jeez.

Now, my mom's remarried.

I'm exactly where I was five years ago.
I'm sick of it. I'm...

I'm ready for the life
that fits into this house.

That's all right, buddy.

Sometimes, people make
the wrong decisions in life.

Like your mother.

What do you mean?

Ted, as you know, I've always been
very, very fond of your mother.

Please don't.

In fact, Virginia and I
shared a special moment

back in 2006 B.C.

Before Clint.

What the hell are you talking about?

I wanted to be your dad.

- What does that even mean?
- Don't you talk back to me, young man.

That's why I cried at Clint's song.

Because that bastard
took her away from me.

And now, all I'm left with

is the memory
of dropping her off at the airport.

And that's how you got the brooch?

Unbelievable.

I was a little too tall
Could've used a few pounds

So, here we are.

Here we are.

She was a black-haired beauty
with big dark eyes

- We made good time.
- Not a lot of traffic.

Stupid.

Oh, I love this song.

Do you? I can...

Way up firm and high

Out past the cornfields
where the woods got heavy

Listen, Ted's mom.

I should really not... I...

Working on our night moves

Trying to make some front page
drive-in news

Working on our night moves

Your penis is enormous.

Again. Always one too far.

Okay, all right, fine.
That last part I made up.

But the rest of it, I swear, was true.
Come on, dude, your mom is a cougar.

Wait, I thought you said
a cougar can't be over 50.

Okay, she's a Mellencamp.

Guys, I am screwed.

I mean, the best I can do is level this place,
and sell the property for a huge loss.

Look, Ted, usually in life,
when you make a stupid decision,

you just have to live with it.

But how often do you get the chance

to pick up a sledgehammer
and bash the living hell out of it?

This is stupid.

Your mom and I got to second base.

I light the fire

You place the flowers

In the vase that you bought today

Staring at the fire
for hours and hours

While I listen to you

Thanks, Lily. That felt fantastic.

Aw! To Ted Mosby.

Homeowner, friend,
and if he can rent it out, slumlord.

- Yeah.
- Cheers.

There's...

There's one last thing I got to do.

And my friends didn't see me
for the next 72 hours.

He was our ride.

Hi.

Ted, what are you doing here?

I never got to give you guys your toast.

I was selfish, and I freaked out,
and I'm so sorry.

So here it is.

How about a hand for the DJ?
Gesture to D...

I'll skip down.

Mom, I love you.

And I've never seen you
as happy as you are with Clint.

And, Clint, welcome to the family.

What you two have
is what I one day hope to find.

But until then, cheers to you both.

I love you guys.

Ted...

I am so

baked right now.

I'm only 60% sure
you're actually standing in front of me.

But if you are,

I love you.

And you are the best son
a mother could ever have.

There was no logical reason

why my mother
should be with a guy like that.

And yet, as you kids know,

being with your Grandpa Clint was
the best decision your grandma ever made.

Sometimes, our best decisions are
the ones that don't make any sense at all.

- Hey.
- Hey, buddy.

How'd you know
I was gonna be up here today?

Robin told me.

Happy house-warming.

But I told you last time I saw you,
I'm selling the place.

I know what you said.

I also know my best friend, Ted Mosby.

Look, all the times over the years
when I've said to you,

"Slow down,
don't rush into things with this girl,"

you haven't listened to me
a single damn time.

Your heart is both drunk and a kid.

Thanks for sticking up for me, man.

That's what I do.

Can I...
Can I show you some of the ideas I have?

Yeah.

And kids, Marshall was right.
I didn't give up on my dream house.

Because that's the thing
about stupid decisions.

We all make them. But time is funny.

And sometimes a little magical.

It can take a stupid decision

and turn it into something else entirely.

Because, kids, as you know,

that house

is this house.