How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 5, Episode 19 - Zoo or False - full transcript

OLDER TED: Kids, you may be wondering
how many of these stories

I'm telling you are true. It's a fair question.

After all, there's a fine line between
a good story and a bald-faced lie.

I never met anyone who could work
that line better than your Uncle Barney.

Heck, he could jump rope with it.

I love to travel myself.

- Really?
- Hmm.

- Where's the best place you've visited?
- Hawaii's nice.

A buddy of mine lives in Seattle,
that's a good spot.

But the best place,
I'd have to say the moon.

Hi, Neil Armstrong.

No! You did not convince a girl

you were the first man
to walk on the moon!

That happened seven years
before you were born.

Ted, baby doll, minor hurdle.

Oh, yeah,
our spaceship passed through a wormhole

or some gamma rays or something.
I started aging backwards, blah, blah, blah.

So, you work in a yogurt shop,
that must be wild.

(ALL GROANING)

Although, I did actually
work in a yogurt store in high school.

And it was indeed wild.

Anywho, 20 minutes later,
the eagle landed.

We knocked space boots.

Houston, we have a moaner.

Other space related double entendres.

Why do you feel the need
to lie all the time?

I'm not lying! Guys, we made sweet love.

I got pictures.

No.

(SIGHING)

I hate my job.

What are you talking about?
I thought you just interviewed the mayor.

Mayor McWoof. He wears a dog costume,
and teaches kids not to litter.

At least he's supposed to.

I don't want to talk about Mayor McWoof.

I want to talk about these amazing insoles
from Bon Appe-Feet!

Just look how shock absorbent they are!

A prop! The table's a prop!

(SIGHING) We'll be right back.

We'll be right back.

Oh! Sorry, Robin. Got bored.

Yeah, I don't blame you.

Man, just one decent interview
would be so nice for a change.

Fine. I'll look at my schedule,
see when I'm available.

But I want a list of questions
ahead of time,

and my personal life is off limits.

Ted, you caught seven peanuts in a row.
It's impressive but it's not newsworthy.

- You caught seven in a row?
- Seven in a row.

- Whoa!
- But that's not what I'm talking about.

No, I'm talking about how I was selected

to build a scale model
of the Empire State Building,

for the largest re-creation
of the New York skyline in the world.

Is that the thing you were playing with
the other night?

I wasn't playing. I was working.

"It's you." "It's me."

"I saw you in the street."

"Are you Annie?"

"Yes."

Ted?

Are you acting out
the last scene of Sleepless in Seattle

with little dolls?

How long have you been out here?

- Ten seconds.
- Yeah. Just the last scene.

Oh, Ted. Again?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Ooh! That's the pizza.
Baby, do you have any cash?

Oh!

You know, I don't... I actually...
I don't think that I should have to pay,

'cause I'm not a fan of pizza.

(LILY GASPING)

- What?
- Marshall, we've driven halfway

across the country for a piece of pizza,
literally, hundreds of times.

I once caught you eating pizza
in the shower.

Marshall, there's a cartoon of you
on our coupons.

I'm not saying
Marshall's a guy who likes pizza,

but last time
he went in for a physical, doctor says,

"Marshall, you got to stop eating pizza."
Marshall says, "Why?"

Doc says, "So I can examine you."
But seriously, we kid because we love.

All right, look, the reason
that I don't have any money on me

is because

I got mugged.

You what?

Can somebody please pay Arthur, all right?
I'm starving.

- How's your dad, by the way?
- Better.

Good.

- Oh, my God! You got mugged?
- Who mugged you?

Was he wearing a black skull-knit cap
and a five o'clock shadow?

- Did he say, "Stick them up"?
- Yes, Barney,

because I got mugged in 1947,
at the corner of Abbott and Costello.

No. I was cutting through Central Park
on my way home from work.

Watch it. Don't get any closer.

It's cool. It's cool.

It was completely terrifying.

"It was completely terrifying."

- What are you doing?
- I'm rehearsing.

I'm gonna pretend this happened to me
later to try and get some sympathy sex.

Barney, that won't work.

- Will it?
- Big time.

I'll allow it.

I can't believe someone pointed a gun
at my Marshmallow!

I'm shaking! I don't think
I'm gonna be able to sleep tonight.

Aw! Here, sweetie.
I have something that will help you sleep.

(ALL GASPING)

Just stick this under your pillow.
You'll sleep like a freaking baby.

- Robin, put that away!
- It's not gonna hurt anyone.

- (GUN CLICKS)
- The safety's on.

Okay, you know what, let's all just relax.

We don't need a gun.

I'd just like to forget this ever happened
and try to move on with my life.

"I'd just like to forget this ever happened,
and try to move on with my life."

This is great stuff.
I think I'm going to add tears, though.

Listen, baby, I know that it's scary,
but look at me.

I'm fine, okay?
Can't we just put this behind us?

That's gold. But I'm gonna switch it to
"putting me behind you."

Baby, you don't have to worry about me.

I mean, yes, I'm a little scared.

But I'm a New Yorker,
I'm not gonna let this change me.

I've changed! I'm a gun person now.

- Clip!
- Yeah, maybe we should

- just take a break for a little bit.
- (IN HUSKY VOICE) I said, "Clip!"

- You want to get a gun?
- Not a scary one.

Just a cute, little pink Beretta

that matches these adorable
strappy sandals I just bought.

By the way, our new credit card works.

You don't need a gun.

Every statistic in the world
points to the fact that

it's safer not to have a gun in the home
than to have one.

Especially in our home.

You know how I'm always
accidentally injuring you.

Pretty easy, right?

(LILY SCREAMING)

(LILY SCREAMING)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Hurry up, baby. The party's about to start.

- Boo!
- (SCREAMS)

Oh, my God, Lily!
I thought you were going as a sexy cat!

I changed my mind.

And now you want to bring a gun
into that equation?

I know, you're right,

but every time I close my eyes,
I picture that guy pointing a gun at you.

(CRYING) And you're my whole world,
Marshall.

If something ever happened to you,
I would just... I would just...

Okay, okay. I know. I know. I know.

Okay, look, I got to admit something.

That mugging didn't happen
exactly the way that I said it did.

Aha! So he was wearing
a black skull-knit cap!

Told you!

No, he wasn't wearing
a black skull-knit cap.

He wasn't wearing anything.

Wait. So...

Watch it. Don't get any closer.

It's... It's cool. It's cool.

He naked-muggered you?

I'm not gonna ask
where he was keeping the gun.

Are we sure it was a gun?

No, guys. I was walking home from work,

through Central Park,
and I stopped at the zoo.

Watch it. Don't get any closer.

Oh! It's cool. It's cool.

(MONKEY CHATTERING)

You're telling us...

That you got mugged...

By a monkey.

I got mugged by a monkey.

(ALL LAUGHING)

- You got mugged by a monkey?
- Yep. I got mugged by a monkey.

I was embarrassed,
so I made up the other story.

But the point is, Lily, you don't need a gun.

(LAUGHING) Forget about the gun.
We're on this now.

Wow, monkeys are mugging people now?
It really is a jungle out there.

(GASPING) Oh, my God. That monkey
has our address. What if he's in a gang?

I hope he doesn't do a swing by.

Why didn't you just ask the zookeeper
to get your wallet back?

'Cause I saw what the monkey
was doing with it,

and I didn't really want it after that.

Hey, guys. What's up?

Oh! Some new information
has come to light on Marshall's mugging.

- Oh, really? Did they catch the guy?
- Well, he's behind bars.

Well, where did they find him?

I'm guessing naked in a tree,
throwing his own feces.

Oh. I've seen that guy.
See, that's why I take cabs.

You know how they caught him, right?

- There was a tail on him.
- There was a tail on him!

- Okay, what is going on?
- All right, Robin, here's what happened.

No, no, no, no, no. Let me tell it.
It's my story.

You see, young Marshall was at the zoo,
eating a banana.

No, I wasn't eating a banana.
If you're gonna tell it, tell it right.

You're right.
The banana was on the ground.

There was no banana. There was no...
There was no banana.

Marshall, I apologize. Truly.

Robin, here's what happened.

(MONKEY CHATTERING)

Oh, God. Oh, God, don't shoot.

There was no banana!

Come on, Barney. I know Marshall
didn't get mugged by a monkey.

Marshall?

- That part he got right.
- What?

Guys, this is not
an uncommon thing, okay?

In Thailand, in China, in Costa Rica, people
get mugged by monkeys all the time.

Monkeys are gatherers.
Because of their inter-social dynamics,

having a predisposition towards stealing
gives one a genetic advantage.

You were mugged by a monkey.

Maybe he was just curious.
Were you wearing a yellow hat?

Marshall, in all seriousness,
this is a great story.

I mean, can I interview you about it
on my show?

What? He gets to be on your show?
What about my model?

No one wants to see a guy
come on my show and play with dolls.

Okay, first of all, that is not what it is.

And second of all, you just had a guy
on your show playing with dolls.

So, your dolls are favored to win at the
Rhinebeck Collector Awards next month.

Only if they behave themselves.

Last year, I found one of them
cavorting with a G.I. Joe.

(ROBIN LAUGHING)

It's not funny.

What were you thinking?
What if you'd gotten pregnant?

And you invited him back
for a follow-up interview!

Only because the FBI asked us to keep him
occupied while they searched his house.

Come on, Marshall, I need the story.
It's got everything.

Crime, monkeys, no stupid model
of the Empire State Building

that takes up my entire living room
and makes the whole place smell like glue.

Come on. Do this for me, as a friend.

- It'd be fun to see you on TV.
- Yeah.

Okay, can you promise
to present it in a way

that doesn't make a joke out of the fact
that I got mugged by a monkey?

You got mugged by a monkey.

Oh, my God! I just got mugged!

- What?
- Is what I was saying

to this girl at the bar earlier.

It was completely terrifying.

I just want to forget this ever happened
and try to move on with my life.

Oh, you poor thing.

Neil?

- Neil?
- I...

- Neil?
- I...

- Neil!
- Lady, my name's not Neil.

It's Ba... (GAGGING)

- Why are you calling him Neil?
- Because that's his name.

He's Neil Armstrong.

The cyclist?

I thought you were supposed to be
on a shuttle mission.

I thought you just got mugged.

Okay, I can do this. You see,

I was on my way to the launch pad
when I was mugged.

And the mugger
took my space shuttle keys.

Nailed it. Who's up for a three-way?

- I am!
- Me, too!

(BARNEY CHUCKLING)

And it was the best three-way ever.

Strange, 'cause you look like you just
had two vodka tonics thrown in your face.

You have lime in your hair.

The story's better with my ending...
Just... Okay?

So, there we are, zero gravity.

The three of us
wearing nothing but space helmets.

- ROBIN: Marshall.
- And I...

You won't believe it. I pitched
the monkey mugger story to my producer,

and he loves it!

Oh! Wow.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Really? Cool.

I mean, who's ever heard of a guy
getting mugged by a monkey?

No one, except for the good people
of Thailand, China, Costa Rica,

and plenty of other countries

where monkey crime is
an extremely common nuisance.

Well, the best part is, he said that
it might get picked up to go national.

Guys, this monkey mugger story
could make me famous.

Me, too.

(STAMMERING) Guys, this is bad.
I can't do this.

- So it'll be a little embarrassing. So what?
- It's not that.

Guys,

(WHISPERING) I wasn't mugged
by a monkey.

- So, you weren't mugged by a monkey?
- No, I wasn't.

So, what you're saying is,

the monkey tricked you
into giving him your wallet?

No, that's not what I'm saying.

- So, you mugged the monkey?
- Guys, there was no monkey!

It was a human being with a gun.

Are you sure it wasn't one monkey
standing on another monkey's shoulders

wearing a men's trench coat?

- Be about the right height.
- No! I...

I just made that story up
so that Lily wouldn't get a gun.

The truth is that it never happened.

I don't buy it!

- What?
- You heard me.

I think you were mugged by a monkey.
You just don't want to go on Robin's show,

'cause you're afraid
it'll make you look like a big joke.

- Well, won't it?
- The biggest 'cause it's so funny.

Well, it never happened, okay?

And I can lie to you guys about it,
because you're my best friends.

- I am, but go on.
- But I can't lie about it on national TV.

Ted, you've known him the longest.
Is he telling the truth?

Ted, don't.

I can't tell.

He smells good.

I just can't tell.

Well, I'm still saying it happened.

Maybe. But, Marshall,
if you didn't get mugged by a monkey,

you can't let Robin report it on her show.
I mean, this could hurt her credibility.

Oh, please. Journalists lie all the time.

I'm sorry, but I will believe that
Jack Palance is dead when I see the body.

Okay, this may come as a shock to you,
Barney, but people don't like to be lied to.

Wrong. They don't like finding out
they've been lied to.

"Because a lie is just a great story

"that someone ruined with the truth."
Barney Stinson.

Case in point,
what that girl Sarah did to me.

- You mean what you did to her.
- No. I mean what she did to me.

The truth is, I'm afraid the three-way story
didn't go exactly as I said it did.

Nailed it. Who's up for a three-way?

Lisa, wait.

- Yes, Neil?
- You're Lisa? Sarah, wait.

Look,

I'm not Neil Armstrong.

I'm sorry I lied.

Well, I guess I wasn't
completely honest with you either.

I mean, I said that I was 28,
but the truth is that I'm really 31.

And if we're being completely honest,

I went to the doctor the other day
and found out...

Thirty-one! I was happy, very happy,

thinking that I had nailed a 28-year-old
with some sun damage.

People want the lie, Marshall.
They need the lie,

which is why, as far as I'm concerned,
you were mugged by a monkey.

Just as sure as I had that three-way.
I am the greatest in the world!

(BARNEY CHUCKLING)

Barney, is that the three-way belt?

- You know it.
- Props!

Man, I slept so great last night.

(SIGHS) Can you believe
I almost bought a gun?

I'm so glad you got mugged by a monkey.

Okay, you guys got me.

I was just nervous.
I got mugged by a monkey.

- Yes! I knew it!
- Wait a minute.

Now I'm thinking
you really weren't mugged by a monkey.

Come on, Ted. Why would
he make something like that up?

Yeah, come on, Ted.

Come here.

Okay, seriously, what is that cologne?
It's intoxicating.

OLDER TED: So, late the following night,
we all went to the set of Robin's show.

Okay, Marshall, now, don't be nervous.

What we're going to do is,
we're going to sit you...

- What the hell is this?
- I don't know.

Looks like something covered by a sheet.

Guess if you want to find out,
you're gonna have to do a story on it.

You're gonna be covered by a sheet

if you don't
get your stupid model out of here.

Dude, what are you doing?

I don't think Marshall's going to lie on TV.

And when he backs out, I want to be there
for my friend Robin with a story.

Or rather, 102 stories,

because that's how tall
a certain iconic New York landmark is.

Now, I want to buy a gun.

Whoa, the monkey's here.

Surprise. We thought it would
help the story to bring him here

so you could face your attacker.

Yeah, because of this incident,

we will be sending Captain Bobo
to a wildlife sanctuary.

Ooh! I bet he'll like it there.

No, ma'am. You see, we'll be
splitting him up from his mate Milly.

They've been together for a long time.

His mate's name is Milly?

OLDER TED: And then the interview began.

Marshall, in your own words,
describe what happened.

Well, I would... I... I would love to
tell you what happened, Robin.

But...

I'm just... I'm so curious as to
what is going on underneath that sheet.

Well, we're not here to talk about that.
We're here to talk about your mugging.

Right. Well, people get mugged
in New York City all the time, Robin.

But how often do you get to see
whatever's under that sheet?

- Mike, can we get a shot of that?
- We'll be right back.

- We're clear.
- What the hell are you doing?

Okay, Robin, I wasn't really mugged
by a monkey, okay?

I just made up that story
so that Lily wouldn't buy a gun.

- So, you weren't mugged by a monkey?
- No, what are you talking about, baby?

Of course I was mugged by a monkey.

Great. Tell it to America.
We're back in five.

No. No. No. Not back in five.
I wasn't mugged by a monkey.

- Okay, that's it. I'm getting a gun.
- No, no. Don't get a gun.

- I was mugged by a monkey.
- Well, then, Bobo here is going away.

Wasn't. I wasn't mugged by a monkey.

Ted, do you have any idea
if Marshall was mugged by a monkey?

- None whatsoever.
- Just tell me,

were you or were you not mugged
by Captain Bobo?

Yeah, baby,
just tell us what really happened.

Yeah, Marshall, just tell us the truth.

Come on, you promised.

(ALL CLAMORING)

OLDER TED: And that's when
Marshall realized

there was only one thing he could say.

All right.

Here's the truth.

I...

am going back to bed.

OLDER TED: And that was it.

We never found out what really happened
to Uncle Marshall's wallet.

But we do know this.
Aunt Lily never got a gun.

Aunt Robin's credibility
remained unimpeached.

And Bobo and Milly lived out their days
together in the Central Park Zoo.

(SIGHING) Damn it.

All right, Ted, mike up.

Miked up and made up.
Red leather, yellow leather.

That wasn't very satisfying.

When I tell everyone at work this story,
I'm saying he was mugged by a monkey.

And I'm gonna keep the banana-on-a-string
thing. That was working.

Barney, enough with the lies.

You can't just tack on a new ending

because you're not satisfied
with how a story wraps up.

Oh, really?

Well, mark my words, Mosby.

Someday, you'll be telling this story,
and you'll see it my way.

Doubtful.

OLDER TED: And then, kids,
you'll never believe what happened.

The monkey got loose.

He's got one of my dolls!

ZOOKEEPER: Bobo, come here, Bobo.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

He's climbing the building.

- Bobo, come here.
- I'll get him.

Is this really happening?

Sure is, Ted.

OLDER TED: True story.

ENGLISH - US - SDH