How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 4, Episode 2 - The Best Burger in New York - full transcript

Kids, when I first
moved to New York,

it was dingy, disgusting,

dirty, ugly,

flea-ridden,
stinky

and all together, terrifying.

But then,

sadly...

the whole city started to go...

uphill.

The streets got a little cleaner,

the rents got a little higher,

and one by one,

the crappy old places we loved

began to disappear.

The Elbow Room,
an old punk rock club,

became a drugstore;

McHale's, a working-class
watering hole,

became a fast-food place;

and Fez, this awesome
lounge in 95th in Broadway,

became a bank.

And not just any bank.

Goliath National Bank.

The world leader
in credit and banking.

God, I love Goliath National Bank!

Okay, first of all, you look like
the last pick in the draft.

And... second, why are you so excited
about some bank?

Our company just bought them out
in a ruthless takeover.

Took two months.
Cost 2,000 jobs.

It was brutal.

Who wants a T-shirt?

Hey, Marshall, they're hiring
in the legal department.

I could get you a job.

Barney, Marshall didn't quit
his last soul-sucking corporate job

just to go work at a bank.

He's gonna be
an environmental lawyer.

That was the plan, anyway.

Over the next few weeks,
Marshall went on a lot of interviews.

You are confident,

you are energetic,

you are focused!

A lot of interviews.

You are flexible on salary,

you're willing to compromise,

you're not gonna cry this time.

Too many interviews.

You are sad,

you are beaten down,

you will get through this,

come home,

get in your big underpants

and take a nap.

Which brings us
to September 29,

the night of the burger.

So... what do you guys
want to do for dinner?

We just got a new cook.

You have to try the burger...
it's amazing.

Oh, great...
we'll take five of those.

Five burgers.

Whoa... really?
You... want to eat here?

Yeah, I'm freaking starving.
I just finished a seven-day cleanse.

I thought you just started that
yesterday.

I finished early, okay?

- Five of those.
- Five burgers.

Whoa... wait.
What about sushi?

- We had sushi last night.
- Italian.

I had Italian for lunch.

- I can come back.
- No. We always do this.

We spend an hour arguing
about where to eat,

and then we end up
eating here anyway.

I haven't eaten for two days.

Can we please, for the love of God,
just order something now?

Chinese?

I don't like Chinese.

Indian?

I just said
I don't like Chinese.

Indian isn't Chinese.

Weird meats, funny music, side of rice.

Why are we splitting hairs?

Mexican?

I just said
I don't like Chinese.

Oh, God.

Sync by vNaru

Robin, yours will be right out.

Of course, mine comes last.

Go ahead, start without me.

- Sweet!
- That's so kind of you.

Oh, my God.

This burger is so good.

It's like Christmas in my mouth...
meat Christmas.

It's like an angel from heaven

landed in the kitchen at MacLaren's.

Where the chef killed it and ran it
through the meat grinder.

I love this burger so much,

I want to sew my ass shut.

It's okay.

- Are you kidding me?
- Guys, guys, guys.

When you've had the best burger
in New York City,

every other burger tastes
like my grandpa's feet.

But you guys eat up,
enjoy, my grandpa's feet.

And you've had the best burger
in New York.

It was eight years ago,

my first week in New York,

and for a kid from Minnesota,

the big city was a scary place.

Thank God it's just you.

You are being ridiculous.

- Tell me you left the apartment today.
- Why would I have to leave?

I can have anything I want delivered,
and New York City cable is awesome.

Have you seen this public access show
with the old Jewish lady in a bikini?

It's, it's disgusting.

Marshall, you have to
get over this paranoia.

You are not gonna get mugged.

Well, what if I do, Ted, all right?
I don't have a switchblade.

I don't, I don't know how to,
how to break-dance

and win the begrudging respect
of a street gang.

That's it, you're taking a walk.
Come on, go.

No. Look, the old lady
in a bikini is back on.

I'm just gonna lie back
and get comfortable.

Go! Go outside, go, go.

Okay.

- Leave the bat.
- Fine.

So I went for a walk
in the big, scary city.

And I discovered
something amazing,

it wasn't scary at all.

All right.

What's the word?

Your search is over!

And then, right when I started
to get a little hungry,

I turned a corner...

and there it was.

The tiniest little
burger joint you ever saw,

tucked between a taxidermist
and a triple-X bookstore.

Name two places
where things get stuffed.

So, I went inside.

And I ordered...
the burger.

Thank you.

Ted. Ted, you got to wake up.
Ted, wake...

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
Are you okay?

I'm all right.

Ted. Ted, I've just had the most
amazing burger of my life!

It's this awesome little place,
Regis Philbin eats there,

so it's sort of like
a celebrity hot spot.

But the burger, Ted. The burger.

Dude. I want one of those burgers
right now!

Do you think they're still open?

I don't know. Does stuff in New York
stay open past... 9:30?

So we went out to get another burger.

But after hours of searching...

Damn it!
Where is this place?

You couldn't find it?

We didn't know our way around.

Just getting back
to the apartment took us

three hours
and one very helpful drag queen.

Wait, Betty Noir was a drag queen?

Well, where do you think it was?

Probably tucked between her legs.

You know what's not a drag?

Getting a home equity loan
at Goliath National Bank.

I'm just saying.

Anyways... we never found the place.

Now, eight years have passed, still...

no burger.

I couldn't help but overhear.

Okay, here we go.

I know the place you're talking about.

No, you don't.

It's a place called the Corner Bistro.

Great burger.

Oh, the Corner Bistro!

It's amazing,
I spent a quarter of my life

searching for the best burger
in New York City,

but silly me, it never occurred to me

to check the highest-rated burger
in the Zagat guide.

Wow, thanks a lot, guy.

Let me return the favor.

Great cup of coffee,

Starbucks.

So I take it you've tried
the Corner Bistro.

I've tried every so-called best burger

in New York City
trying to find that burger.

Or at least forget about her.

We're going.

But none of those places
even came close.

Hey, there was that one time we thought
we had a break in the case, remember?

Get this.

You know who works out at my gym?

Regis Philbin.

The autographed picture.

Of course I remember the place.

It was the best burger I ever had.

I still have dreams about this burger.

Beautiful, haunting dreams!

I wake up at night screaming,
"Get out of my head, burger! Get out!"

That's the one, Mr. Philbin.

Do you remember where it is?

No! I never wrote it down.

But not a day goes by
that I don't regret it.

Why? Why? Do you know where it is?

And if you tell me
it's at the Corner Bistro,

I'm gonna smack you right in the face!

We don't, we don't know where it is.

Listen, Blondie!
Don't mess with me!

Daddy needs his meat.

I don't know where it is,
Regis, I swear!

What about you, Lurch?

And what about you, satchel-mouth?

This is my cell.

You find that burger,
you call me day or night.

Okay, Regis, we will, we will.

All right, so what are you waiting for?
Get out and find the burger!

- All right, all right.
- Let's go, all of you!

That's where my story ends.

Now I'm doomed to walk the earth
forever searching for that green door

and that red neon sign
that says "Burger."

Green door, red neon sign
that says "Burger?"

- Yeah.
- I know that place.

I've walked by it a million times.
It's on West 12th, right off of 7th.

I knew it was on a numbered street!

- Finally.
- No! Robin!

If any of us is gonna eat
a burger tonight,

it's gonna be the best burger
in New York.

We're going downtown!

I cannot believe
we're finally gonna have this burger.

Honey, I'm so excited for you.

After all these interviews,

after all these disappointments,

you deserve a triumphant
mouth full of meat.

You know what else is a mouthful?

All that double-talk other banks
give you.

At Goliath, customer satisfaction
is our most important investment.

Barney, I hate to break this to you,
but working for a bank's kind of lame.

Oh, yeah.

How lame is free automatic bill pay,
Lil?

How lame is 3. 3% APY online savings?

Yeah! That's right.

Hate to make you look stupid

in front of your friends,
but you left me no choice.

We should probably call Regis.

Reg... Oh, that guy scares me.

I think I'll leave him a text.

Now, Kathy, your last flip was heads.

The one before that was tails.

You polled the audience,

they came out split, 50/50.

No help at all there.

So, for $258,000...

I have to ask you, Kathy,

what's it gonna be,

heads... or...

Excuse me.

Oh, boy. I-I've got to go.
I've got to go!

Green door, red neon sign.
Guys, this is the place.

No, I've actually, I've actually...
I prepared a few words.

I will eat your hand.

All right, well,
let's just go inside then. Shall we?

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Yours will be right out.

Please, go ahead, start.

- Just shut up and eat.
- All right.

Oh, my God.

I'm never brushing my teeth again

unless it's with a toothbrush made
from this burger.

I think I just had my first burg-asm.

I want...

to take this burger out to dinner,

then maybe a movie,

then take it back to my place,

put on a little Terence Trent D'arby,
and then I would just...

fool around a little bit.

Nothing serious...
just take it slow, you know?

- This isn't it.
- What?

It's not it.

Okay, Marshall, you might not want
to hear this, but...

is it at all possible this is the same
burger you had eight years ago,

only it could never live up
to your ridiculously high expectations?

I mean, it is just a burger.

Just a burger?

Just a burger?

Robin, it's so much more
than just a burger.

I, I mean, that first bite...

Oh, what heaven that first bite is.

The bun, like a sesame freckled,

breast of an angel,
resting gently on

the ketchup and mustard below.

Flavors mingling in a seductive
pas de deux.

And then...

a pickle...

the most playful little pickle,

and then a slice of tomato,

a leaf of lettuce, and a,

a patty of ground beef so...

exquisite...

swirling in your mouth,

breaking apart and combining again

in a fugue of sweets and savories so...

delightful.

This is no mere sandwich
of grilled meat

and toasted bread, Robin.

This is God...

speaking to us through food.

And you got our wedding vows
off the Internet.

Okay... look, so, so this,
this isn't the place.

All right, it's no big deal.

It's another place
with a green door

and a red neon sign that says "Burger."

I'll just... I'll call every restaurant
in Manhattan

and ask 'em what color their door is.

No big deal, right? Let's do this.

I'm going to go out on a limb here
and say this isn't just about a burger.

Marshall's not doing so well, guys.

He really needs to get a job.

Tell them about the underpants.

What about the underpants?

It started a couple of weeks ago.

Heads! It's going to be heads.

It's almost usually heads.

- Hey, baby.
- Hey...

Did you put on pants today?

Nope.

It was funny at first,
but then it became a daily thing.

I thought, "Okay, well, at least
he's not leaving the house like that."

Then, one day, he opened the door
to get the paper.

Day after that,
went downstairs to get the mail.

Everyone's got an underpants radius.

For most of us, it's the distance
from the bedroom to the bathroom,

but as your self esteem gets smaller,

your underpants radius gets bigger.

How big is Marshall's
underpants radius?

We're going.

Come on, Lily,
he'll find a job eventually.

You know, Lil, when times are tough,

I like to remember the uplifting words
of my favorite song.

We'll be on your side
when you need a friend

Through thick and thin
you can always depend

On the world leaders
In credit and banking...

Goliath National Bank.

Member FDIC.

We've got to find Marshall that burger.

Lily, I think we're all
eating that burger.

I'm not eating that burger.

No, if Marshall says this isn't
the burger, this isn't the burger.

Finally.

- Excuse me.
- Yes.

Did you guys change cooks or something?

Because my husband was here
five years ago,

and he's pretty sure
he had a different burger.

Yeah, we get this a lot.

This place is modeled
after this other place uptown

with the same green door
and "Burger" sign.

What? Uptown? Where?

106th and Manhattan Avenue.

Damn it.

106 a numbered street.
Of course.

Barney Stinson.

Barney, where the hell are you?

I'm sorry, this is...

Regis. I'm at the place.

Oh, Regis, of course.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I forgot to call you.

That's not the place.

The real place is on 106th
and Manhattan Avenue.

We're headed there right now.

What? Uptown?

Fine, fine, I'll be there in 20.

If you get there first, medium rare.

- Onions?
- Onions?

- Okay, no onions.
- Stop the cab!

Wait.
This is it.

Your search is over.

- We got girls taking off their clothes.
- This is it.

One of 9,000 convenient locations.

It was ri...
it was right here.

It was,
it was right on this very spot.

I don't understand.
Where is the burger place?

It's not a burger place anymore,
it's a...

Goliath National Bank ATM.

Well, that's fine.
Let's just eat here.

We can't eat here.
It's an ATM.

But, food.

Hey, what the...?

This is your fault,
you and your stupid bank.

- You did this.
- It's not my... stop, okay.

Stop that, Lily.

I will never use a
Goliath ATM ever again.

Goliath National Bank sucks.

It's the worst bank on
the face of the earth.

Attention, New Yorkers,
this bank sucks! They suck!

- Marshall, will you just tell her already?
- They suck, suck, suck!

Tell me what?

Tell me what?

I got a job.

What? Where?

Goliath National Bank.

That's why Barney's been going on and
on about how, how great Goliath is.

He wanted you
to be excited for me since

we're going
to be working there together.

Well, technically not together.

You won't have access to my floor.

But you want to be
an environmental lawyer.

Yeah, you know, and I also want to be
a Harlem Globetrotter

and get paid in candy, but...

in the meantime, I need a job, and
this is, this is a really good one.

It's great pay
and there's good benefits,

and to be honest,

it gives me a reason
to put on pants in the morning.

You know, I have my whole life
to save the planet, but right now,

I'm kind of really excited
to wear pants again.

You've got great pants.

- I love you.
- I love you.

Robin, no.

- They're unopened.
- Give it.

- They're barbecue.
- Give it!

I'm sorry you didn't get your burger.

It's stupid.

I think about that first week
in New York. You know?

I was 22 years old.

I had my whole future ahead of me.

I guess I just kind of thought that if
I could have that burger one more time

and feel that way for one more night,

that I might be able
to check that off the list,

and grow up,

go work for the stupid bank,
and just...

be happy.

You know, that burger place isn't gone.

It just moved to a new location.

And I can tell you where that is
for a hundred bucks.

A hundred bucks?
That's crazy.

Let's pay the man.

- I paid for the cab.
- I don't have any cash.

I haven't worked since March.

Wow, if only there were an easy,

convenient way
to get some cash right now.

Member FDIC.

So we paid the guy,
and 20 minutes later...

All right, Marshall, remember.

It might not taste as good.

This place has changed, you've changed,
New York has changed.

Just... don't get your hopes up
too high, okay?

- This is it.
- Yes!

It's exactly the same.

It's the best burger in New York.

Go ahead, eat up, eat up.

And so, after finally tasting again

the burger he'd craved
for so many years,

Marshall got up the next morning,

put on some pants,
and went to work,

and he never looked back.

I want to get tiny fitted sheets
for this burger,

and just crawl into this bun,
get all cozy, and die there.

Oh, my God.
I just want you inside of me.

This feels so good.

I'm worried
I'm gonna get this burger pregnant.

If he does get that burger pregnant,

I have dibs
on the delicious burger babies.

- This isn't it.
- What?

No, Regis Philbin. Come on.

That's outrageous.
That is unbelievable.

Wait. This is it, yes!

You were just freakin'
teasing us, Philbin.