How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 4, Episode 3 - I Heart NJ - full transcript

Ted does not want to move in with Stella because he hates New Jersey. Robin prematurely quits her TV job because she incorrectly thinks that she already has a new job.

Kids, in the fall of 2008,
I've had a little problem.

All right, I got to get to Stella's.

Tonight's the night guys, I've tried it
before, I've failed every time.

This time, I'm gonna do it.
Tonight...

I pick up a lesbian.

Robin,

I need your lipstick.

Oh, man!

Take pictures, all right?

Bye Ted.

I lived in New York,

but Stella lived accross the river...

in New Jersey.

Oh, man!

Which meant,
I was always taking the train.

What's up, Ted?

Hey Matisse.

Hey, T-diddy!
You missed it!

Robin got that national anchor job!

And we got
a free bottle of champagne!

But it's empty now.

Oh, man!

And as a result, it seamed like
I was missing out on everything.

Sorry we couldn't wait.
It was getting cold.

Oh, man!

- Hey big guy!
- What's up, G?

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine, it's just...

you know I want to
hang out with you guys,

I want to hang out with my friends.

It just feel like I'm spending
all my time on the train.

Okay, how about this? Why don't you ask
your friends to come up here sometime?

That's a great idea!

You want us to go to New Jersey?
Oh, that is rich.

Why?

Well, for starters, I don't have any
of my gold medaillons anymore.

I sold them when they went out
of style, 400 years ago.

- Lily?
- Oh, sorry, Ted.

I'm a born and raised New Yorker.

I'm programmed to despise and loathe

New Jersey and
all that it stands for.

Why am I telling you this?

You hate New Jersey
more than anyone.

What? I don't hate New Jersey!
Why would you think that?

And then he cut in front of me!
God, I hate line cutters

more than I hate...
New Jersey.

Well that's not true,

there's nothing I hate more
than New Jersey.

Nice?

Hey, you want us to wait for you?

No, it might be awhile,
I got a drop a massive New Jersey.

Okay, so New Jersey's
not my favourite place

but once Stella
and I get married,

and she and Lucy
move in with me,

I'll never set foot
in New Jersey again.

Unless I'm going to see
a Giants game or,

flying down at Newark, or,

God forbid, disposing of a body.

Ted, if you murder me,
and bury me in New Jersey

I'll haunt you for ever.

But if I murder you and
bury you in somewhere else?

I'll leave you alone.
I'm sure you had your reasons.

Sync by vNaru

Kids, your aunt Robin was sick
of her job in Metro News One.

She was sick
of the low production value.

I'm Robin Scherbatsky
and your watching...

Etro News One at 11:00...

and again at 1:00.

Sick of the stories
she had to report...

So hurry up and get your votes in...

for New York's cutest doggie.

And most of all,

she was sick of all
the stupids puns.

Four transit workers
were electrocuted

when a subway train
jumped the tracks.

Stay tuned for the...

shocking derails.

Joel, people died.

So when the call came in

that she got
the big national anchor job,

she finally got to say the words

she'd been dreaming of saying
for years...

Tonight will be my last broadcast.

I came to Metro News One as a
little caterpillar,

and for four years,

this desk has been my cocoon,

but tonight, I emerge,

an ambitious butterfly.

Why does she sound like an idiot?
Did she have a stroke?

Yeah, a stroke of genius.

This speech is really good.

With one eye on the horizon,

one eye on the truth,

and one eye, on all of you.

You wrote it for her,
didn't you?

It's a modified version of the...

speech I gave when I had to leave
the swim team because

of the chronic inner ear situation.

I thought you were the towel-boy.

It's part of the team!

So that saturday,

as Robin went off for her first day
at her new job,

we're all headed accross the river

to experience some of
that crazy New Jersey night life.

Okay, Stella couldn't find a sitter,
so we can't go out. Instead,

we're all gonna hang out here,

and it's gonna be just as awesome.

Right? We got board games,
we got movies,

and I think there may be some beer,
out in the garage.

Ted, this is pathetic!

It's saturday night,
we should be out at the bar,

drinking alcohol!

Now, I know this sounds depressing,
bordering on tragic,

but it's just a fact.

Yeah, and I want another crack
at that chick, Doris.

I know I can land that lesbian plane.

No snakes on that plan.

Okay, guys, come on,
you promised.

Let's just hang out here,

try to have fun.
I mean,

we're all together.

Friends hanging out,
isn't that would really matters?

Okay, if we take the next train,

we could be at MacLaren's by 11:00!

We can be there by 10:00?

No, I have to change first,

I'm not walking into MacLaren's
smelling like New Jersey.

You guys really hate it here?

- What?
- No! Stells.

No, no, I get it, I mean
you guys are all New Yorkers,

you need to hang out at a bar.

Well, you could,

just hang out
on the coolest bar in state,

which is so close it
will blow your mind.

And boom goes the dynamite.

The coolest bar in New Jersey.

Yeah, it probably is...

This is great!

We got darts,

half a ping-pong table,

a fish bowl,

look what turned out to be
an awesome night as promised.

Maybe we can drop some bac-o's
in here, and make them fight.

No thanks.
I don't mess with fish bowls unless

they have my two favorite fish.

The sucker fish

and the blow fish.
What up?

For blow fish?

I don't think so.

- Marshall?
- You're better than that.

Lily?

Not good enough.

Stella?

Sorry.

I am not lowering this,

until someone gives me the respect

of another person's knuckles

tapping against mine

in a light but decisive manner.

Pretty-pretty...

Pretty-pretty...

Pretty-pret...
who's a pretty baby?

Then know this,

until it gets what it wants, nay,

deserves,

this fist,

will not yield.

It...

will...

not...

yield.

So who wants to play Scrabble?

Sure. Whatever.

Oh, heads up.

The X tile is a little hard to read
because, a couple years ago,

it went all the way
through my dog.

You konw, maybe
we should get a dog again,

When you move in.

When I what?

Oh great, there's Robin.

I thought they were moving in
with you.

So did I.

Oh God, am I moving
to New Jersey?

Hey guys,

I bet that dog was really

flying high
after it swallow the little X.

Nailed it!

Come on!

I can't live here.

It wouldn't be that bad.

You could put a mini- fridge over there

and maybe some knock hockey.

Knock hockey.
Nice one, big mon.

Yeah, I meant New Jersey
in general, not this basement.

She wants me to move here?

I don't get it.
We discussed this months ago.

So, I was thinking,
after the wedding,

you and Lucy, can move in here

Yeah, she could play out
on the fire escape,

maybe make friends with that guy

who sleeps on that couch in the alley,

ride her bike up and down Broadway.

It's a great idea, Ted.

I don't understand

why you'd want to live in New Jersey

when you have a chance
to live in Manhattan?

I thought having
a rent-controlled apartment

on the Upper West Side was half
the reason she agreed to marry me.

Really, I thought it was
the whole reason.

What is up?!

- Hey.
- Robin, hey.

You're looking good.

Bump the Barnacle.

Stella already told me not to.

How was your first day?

It wasn't.

- What?
- It wasn't my first day.

I showed up
and there were 20 other people.

It turns out,
I didn't actually get the job.

I only got an audition.

What, how did that happen?

I don't know.
Because he told me that I got it.

I got it?

I got it!

And just to be clear,
when I say you got it

I mean an audition.

You got an audition.

I don't want there to be any confusion.
You have an audition

only.

Not the job.

Thank you.
Thank you!

Okay, I'm going to call and beg
Joel to give me my job back.

You hated that job.

I don't know, it wasn't so bad.

Robin, what did they make you call

Tropical Storm Hector
when it was raining cats and dogs?

A furricane.

Hey, Ted.

Rock me like a furricane.

Thanks.

Mean.

Okay, yeah, it's sucks,

but what can I do?

I mean, I'm not going
to get that other job.

You guys should have seen
the other women at this audition.

They all had more experience than me,

were more ethnic than me.

There was an African-American chick

with blue eyes,

how can I compete with that?

You can't.

No, you can compete with anyone.

You're Robin Scherbatsky.

Confident. Strong. Tall.

With crazy long legs
that look great in shorts.

I'm calling Joel.

But, no Robin,
if you call him right now,

you will hate yourself

Look, I have slept with lots of women

who afterwards told me off
and stormed out.

And sometimes
they'd pick up the phone

and they'd call me

and then we'd hook up again.

And when we were finished,
I could see that look on their faces,

that look that says
they hate themselves

and they wish they'd never called.

But if you could see...

that look,
actually, you can see that look,

there's a video.
www...

- dot...
- No! Stop, okay? I won't call.

Don't drink the beer!

I just remembered when I bought it.

It was right before
I got pregnant with Lucy.

Ted, would you mind running
to PriceCo and picking some up?

Oh, and while you're there,

maybe you could sign up for a card.
I mean,

you'll probably end up
going there all the time.

That's the look.

I can't move here.
I hate it here.

I would kill myself.

Maybe New Jersey is not that bad.

Stella has a lawn.

You could get a riding lawn mower.

They sell them over there.

I saw one with a cup holder.

I saw a recliner
with a built-in cup holder.

I even saw a hammock
with a cup holder.

You live in New Jersey,

you never have to hold a cup again.

I don't think I have as big a problem
holding cups as you do.

I will give you $100
to fist pump me.

$200.

Just put it down, Barney.

Your arm must be killing you by now.

$10,000.

Look, you'll be right across the river.
You'll be in New York all the time.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Excuse me.

You guys are from New York, right?

Yeah, we moved here
from Manhattan.

Do you ever get into the city?

All the time.

See? All the time.

When was the last time you were there?

We just had dinner at O'Rourke's.

That's been closed for six years.

It has been awhile.

Funny, we don't miss it.

Well, I guess we're
New Jersians now.

Honey, look, dog shirts.

I can't do it.
I'm just going to tell Stella

she and Lucy have to move into the city
and that's that.

Okay, what do you guys think?

Beagle or Boston terrier?

Are those tears?

They're awesome...

manly pain tears.
They're not emotional.

Okay, they're a little bit emotional.

Where's Robin?

Hey, Shirley,
it's Robin calling for Joel.

Robin, hang up the phone.
Don't do this.

Sorry, I know, okay?

If you don't hang up right now...

Hey, Joel, it's Robin.

So Madam Butterfly
wants to come back to the cocoon.

Yeah, look, I'm sorry
I said all that stuff.

Well, you can stick your sorries
in your sock drawer,

'cause you've already been replaced.

I've got Brian in make up
and he couldn't be more excited.

I can't do this.
I can't do this.

Okay, look, as much
as I want to see college boy

here wet himself on camera,

if you can get here in time
to read the 11:00 news,

you can have your old job back.

Okay, I have a half hour
to make it to the studio.

There's no way you can make it
to the city in a half hour.

Robin, don't do this.

I know it's scary to bet on yourself,

but if you don't, nobody else will.

And I'm not just saying that
to get a fist bump.

Although, come on,
a fist bump would be great.

But I really mean it.

I am betting on myself.

I am betting that I can make it there
by 11 o'clock

Hey, did you get the beer?

Yeah, I got 144-pack.

The rest is in the trunk.

And did you sign up
for the membership?

Why not?

There was a line for the photos...

my hair's a mess...

I don't want to move to New Jersey.

What?

I can't do it.

And I can't see any reason

why you and Lucy
shouldn't move to New York.

Well, my daughter goes to school here.

All of her friends are here.

I've lived here my whole life.

My whole family is here.

This is my house.

I'm on the PTA, and as of June 1,

I'm the deputy mayor.

Yes, but my apartment
is really close to the subway.

Ted, we're not moving,
end of discussion.

How can it be end of discussion

if there's never been a discussion?

This is part of being a parent.

I can't just uproot Lucy.

People with kids move
all the time. And...

I think it would be really great
for Lucy

to grow up
in the greatest city in the world.

Here we go...

New York's the greatest city
in the whole wide world.

It's where dreams come true

and pigeon poop
tastes like tapioca.

Want to know a little secret, Ted?

New Jersey is better than New York.

Better than...?

You think...? I...

The Empire State Buil...

H and H Bage...

Lincoln Ce...

Zabar's...

Papaya King.

New York is the intellectual

and cultural hub of the planet.

New York is full of weirdoes,
and snobs and mean people.

Ted, do you know that once,
an old lady

actually called me a bitch
and threw a cat in my face?

And you want to know
if that happened in New Jersey?

86th and Lex,

right in front of your beloved
little Papaya King.

People are nice in New Jersey.

I mean it's the kind of place
where you know your neighbors.

- Hey, I know my neighbors.
- Oh, yeah? Like who?

Right across the hall, I got...

Clax... pa... mon...

- Claxpamon?
- His name is Paxton.

Love that dude.

Sorry, in a hurry.
Got to get to the front.

Got to get off first.

Don't run over Matisse.

Okay, so this is crazy.

You can't actually think

that New Jersey
is better than New York.

New York has Broadway.
We win right there.

Oh, no, she did not.

Knuckle up for safety.

We have Atlantic City.

Can't beat the A.C.

Pretty please?
No one has to know.

New York has Greenwich Village.

New Jersey has The Shore.

Woody Allen.

Oscar-winning chronicler
of urban neuroses.

Bump it!

- Bruce Springsteen.
- Sinatra.

He's from Hoboken...

- New Jersey.
- Yeah, but what city is

he singing about?

It's not "Secaucus, Secaucus."

Come on...

Now you kids
can either believe this or not,

but this is how your
Aunt Robin swears it happened.

Look, Stella,

I understand that coming
from New Jersey

you don't picture yourself
loving New York,

but trust me,
Marshall didn't expect to,

and now he wouldn't think
of living anywhere else.

I hate New York!

I'm sorry, but it's true.

Okay, today I was walking
around PriceCo.

Have you ever been there?
It's huge.

All the stores in New York
are so cramped.

Every time I turn,
I knock something over.

I'm like some huge monster
that came out of the ocean

to destroy bodegas.

But, Marshall, you love New York.

Yeah, I do, except that I hate it.

I'm too big for New York, okay?

I'm always trying to fit
into cramped little subway seats

or duck under doorways
that were built 150 years ago.

Hey, guess what?
People are bigger now.

Build bigger doorways.
What the hell is the matter with you?

Small city, big man...
give it up.

And it's so loud, all the time.

Yes, it's the city that never sleeps.

Well, guess what, I like to sleep.

I've been tired for eight years.

Tired and scared with black
and blue marks on my elbows

from trying to fit through
all these tiny elf doorways.

New Jersey's great.

It's got huge stores,

and lawns and you never have
to carry a cup again.

Not for the rest of your life.

I'm not afraid to say it...

I love New Jersey.

I'm just kidding.

Look, Stella...

I get it, okay?

I see what you're saying.

I guess...

we could live in Brooklyn.

You know what, Ted...

live wherever you want.

I don't care.

Awkward silence.Tap it.

Hey, Lucy. What are you doing up?

There was some loud noises
in the basement.

Sorry about that.

Why don't you got back to bed, sweetie.

I can't go to sleep without a story.

- Okay, I'll just get your mom...
- Why don't you read it to me?

Okay, come on.

I'm moving here.

Really?

Really.

New Jersey wins.

Thank you!

Wait...

Good evening, New York.

Hey, look, she made it.

Our top story tonight...

the newborn panda
at the Central Park Zoo

got its first tooth today.

I guess that makes her a...

molar bear.

Molar bear.

Molar bear.

You know what?
I really am done.

Good night, New York.

She really quit.

You think we had anything
to do with that?

Yeah, I think we did.

Nice job, Barney.

Oh, my God!

Thank you!

That was killing my arm.

My arm hasn't been this source
since I was 13 years old

and figured out how
to lock a bathroom.

Up top.

What's wrong?

Well, I officially didn't get that job.

- I'm so sorry.
- That's okay. They...

they offered me another one.

Hey, that's great.
What are you going to be doing?

Foreign correspondent.

I'm, hum...

moving to Japan