How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 3, Episode 7 - Dowisetrepla - full transcript

Kids, everybody makes mistakes.

Take this girl Meg for instance.

She made a mistake,
a mistake named Barney.

Yeah,

I thought I was gonna get
married to my last boyfriend

but, boy, did that guy
have commitment issues.

That whole relationship...

that's three weeks of my life
I'll never get back.

Well, I love commitment.

I wish I could marry commitment.

- I met a girl last night.
- Really?

So perky and full of life and not at all fake.

You're talking about her boobs, right?

C?

And that wasn't Spanish,
that was cup size.

What up?

- So, these boobs...
- Hmm.

paint me a word picture.

All right, Ted.

Imagine the heads of two Irish babies.

Mmm.

Let's call them...

and...

Please stop!

When you get married,

you start outgrowing certain
parts of your life.

And for Lily and Marshall,

those certain parts were,

for the most part,

me.

Why would you come in?

You heard me shaving!

I thought you were shaving your face!

Well, clearly I wasn't!

- Oh!
- No, no!

- Pay up!
- Ugh!

Hussy!

- Guys.
- Hussy? What?

Guys, it's 3:00 in the morning

and it reeks in here.

Ted said it was okay.

Ah, hey, Marshall.

You're still up?

Aren't you taking the bar tomorrow?

Discontent was bubbling under the surface,

until one day...

Ted!

How many times have I
asked you to put the lid

back on the peanut butter jar?

It's this sort of inconsiderate,

immature jackassery that makes me feel
like I'm living in the Real World house,

and not the early years...

when they all had jobs
and social consciences.

I'm talking about Hawaii and after!

I can't take this anymore!

Ted, Lily and I are married now!

It's time!

We're getting our own place!

Actually,

I left the lid off.
Sorry, baby.

But still, it was time to move forward.

So, they set out to find
a new apartment to rent.

Hey, here's one.

Pre-war building,
recently renovated,

hardwood floors,

tons of light,

two bedroom, two bath.

Oh, yeah, but that one's not for rent.

It's for sale.

Oh, right.

Kids, Uncle Marshall always likes to say

that he had made three big mistakes
in his life.

This was the first.

Jump,
you big chicken!

Jump!
You afraidy cat!

Jump!
Jump!

This was the second.

No!

And this was the third and biggest.

We should buy a place!

What?

Baby, real estate is always
a good investment.

It's not.

And the market is really hot right now.

It wasn't.

And because of my new job,

we are in such a strong place financially.

They weren't.

Because lily had a secret

Hi.

My name is Lily and I'm a shopaholic.

Hi, Lily.

Oh, you guys don't do that here?

Sorry.

Proceed.

I buy designer clothes and accessories

that I can't afford.

I have 15 credit cards,
and they're all maxed out.

And no one outside of this room,
not even my husband, knows.

And I, I feel terrible

because all I want to do
right now is ask you

where you got those shoes.

They're adorable.

We can't buy; we have debt.

Yeah, I know,

my student loans are pretty big.

I forgive you.

What?

Well.. I'm just saying as your wife,

you know, I'm cool that you spent tens
of thousands of dollars

on a brand name law school.

Because I know it makes you feel
good and pretty.

Let's just go take a look at this place.

Where is it?

Uh, it's in a neighborhood called...

Dowisetrepla?

Dowisetrepla.

Oh, I see, you're not New Yorkers.

Oh, actually we live
on the Upper West Side, so...

No need to be embarrassed,

listen, here in New York

we just shorten the names
of all the neighborhoods,

SoHo, TriBeCa, Nolita...

Oh, right.

Dowisetrepla.

No, I'm, I'm from New York.

I know this neighborhood.

I'm down with D-town.

Oh, well,
nobody calls it D-town.

Dowisetrepla is the up-and-coming
neighborhood.

And I have to tell you,
for these prices,

you're not going to be able to find another...

I'm, I'm gonna stop you right there.

Don't bother with the hard sell.

This place is, is way out of our price range,

and besides, we've only
just started to looking.

Is what Marshall should have said.

I'm gonna stop you right there.

I love it!
Let's get it!

Thank you, guys,
for coming down here so quickly.

I've never been to this neighborhood.

Kind of thought this part
of town was water.

No, dude.

This is Dowisetrepla.

- Dowisetrepla?
- Yeah.

Is that an abbreviation for something?

He's from Ohio.

- Dowisetrepla is the
up-and-coming neighborhood.

Oh.

I think this might be the place where
Lily and I start a family.

I can see it now.

Two, three, four.

All right, bring it home, boys.

Sounds great, boys.

Who wants chocolate pancakes?

Thanks, Mommy!

Man,

life is gonna be sweet!

Oh, my God,

Lily, have you seen this kitchen?

- I know.
- It's...

Isn't it amazing?

- I just love it so...
- What the hell are you doing?

You can't buy this place.

Lily, you have a debt
the size of Mount Waddington!

Waddington?

It's the tallest mountain in Canada.

It's like 4,000 meters high.

Meters?

Don't let Marshall fall in love
with this apartment.

I know, I know,
I know, I know,

but what do I tell him?

I-I don't know,
tell him, um,

tell him you saw a ghost.
Tell him it's haunted.

You really don't know Marshall at all.

So, uh, the owners,

- where are they?
- Oh.

They're on vacation in France

- for two of weeks.
- I see.

Between you and me,

I'm also interested in the apartment.

So is there any way I could come back later
and check it out

while you're showing them other places?

The lock bar's combination is

1421.

And here is my card.

Are you serious?

You're trying to snake this apartment away
from Marshall and Lily?

Ted, do you think I have
no morals whatsoever?

I simply want to fool a girl into thinking
this is my apartment

so I can nail her once
and never have to see her again.

I'm not a monster.

Now, listen, I don't want to put a lot
of pressure on you,

but there is one other
couple that's expressed...

very serious interest.

I see what you're doing here.

"Another couple."

Please.

That crap is page one
out of the Realtor's playbook.

And we're not buying it.

Is what Marshall should have said.

Another couple?

No!

We want it.
Sell it to us.

We'll give you so much more money.

Oh, Marshall,
can I talk to you?

Marshall, I just...

I don't know if now is the right time to buy.

But we're not doing this for now,

we're doing this for our future.

Can't you imagine starting a family here?

Oh, Persephone!

Oh, Daphne!

These'll be a perfect additions to our...

upcoming mother-daughter
exhibit at the Met.

Looks great, girls.

Who wants cr?pes au chocolat?

Merci, papa!

So... what do you guys think?

Oh...

I love it, but Marshall,

I should have told you this a long time ago.

We can't afford to buy an apartment

because I have too much credit card debt.

I am so sorry.

Is what she should have said.

I love it. Let's get it.

Can we charge it?

To Lily and Marshall and
their momentous step...

forward into adulthood.

Cheers.

Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug!

- Drink it! - Yes! Well done.
- Nice! - Yeah!

Anything else?

Yes.

I've been staring at that thing for years.

Wendy,

bring me the comically large
bottle of champagne

Really? Are you sure?

It's never been refrigerated.

And I think at some point there
was a fish in it.

Honey, once you've made the sale,

stop sellin'.

All right, but you guys
have to help me carry it.

All right, let's do it.
Let's do it. Let's go. Hmm.

I know what you're thinking.

I should tell Marshall the truth.

Hey, I've got the whole thing figured out.

We'll apply for the loan
under Marshall's name,

and he'll never need to know.

And then in the meantime,
I'll slowly work down my debt.

Right after I furnish the apartment.

I saw this amazing leather sofa today.

You should be a reality show.

Nice!

Nice.

Wait!

That cork is the size of a softball

and you're pointing it directly
at Wendy the waitress's face.

Is what he should have said.

Now if you're thinking
of buying an apartment

it's always good to check the place out
at night.

Welcome to my humble abode.

This place is so nice.

Ah, make yourself at home.

Please, get comfortable.

If you see something you like,
just take it.

Who are these people?

Uh...

that's my parents.

They're Asian.

Yeah.

They're a Chinese couple
that wanted a white baby.

It works both ways.

Cookie.

Wow.

Did you make those?

You got me.

My sisters taught me how to bake

and how to listen.

Wow.

I feel so at home here.

I'm glad.

Sometimes, I don't.

A place like this really
needs a lady of the house.

I know it's too early
to be thinking of you as...

Oh, God, I'm freaking you out, aren't I?

It's just you make me feel so safe...

I didn't...

The next day,

Lily and Marshall went to
the mortgage broker...

to get a loan.

Hey, uh, can we get this in singles?

Before we get the apartment
I want to put in a kiddie pool

and swim around in it naked.

- Great,
- that is great!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Okay, all right,
back to business now.

All right, Mrs. Aldrin,
I'm going to need your social as well.

What? Why?

I mean, you already have Marshall's.

Yes, but since you're a married couple,

you'll be applying for a joint loan, so...

Well, can we just go ahead and do it
in my husband's name?

He's the head of the household.

He earns the big bucks.

I mean, can women even own property?

Go ahead, just give him your social.

Okay, my...
my social is, uh...

Got it.

Okay.

Let's see what kind of rate
I can get you two.

Under six percent.
Under six percent.

Under six percent, please.

There we go.
Congratulations.

You have been approved for a loan at 18%.

No, way. That-that can't be right.

You're lucky to be getting a mortgage.

Let's get out of here, Marshall.

Hold it, I-I don't understand.

Did we do something wrong or...?

You have quite a bit of debt.

My student loans. Great.

I thought we were friends.

You know what, it's fine to penalize me for
trying to get an education and build a career,

but I will not let you
deprive my beautiful wife...

of her dream home just because I...

Okay, actually, it's because
of your wife's credit card debt.

Oh, my God.

Marshall, there's something
I have to tell you,

and I want you to hear it from me first.

okay, so, let me get this straight.

You just snuck this girl
into some stranger's apartment?

Yeah, we spent the night.

Hey, look at you.

Hey.

I'm wearing your bathrobe.

I hope you don't mind.

The only thing missing
from that bathrobe are your initials.

My mom's gonna be in town next week.

Is it okay if she stays with us?

Only if she sleeps in the bed

and I sleep on the couch.

You're so sweet.

I love you.

There, I said it and I'm not taking it back.

Oh, my God!

I love you, too.

I'm finally not the first one to say it!

How about you get in the shower,

and I will make us some waffles.

Works every time.

Wait.

That time that you offered to walk my dogs

when I went to visit my dad in Vancouver...

Yup.

Is that why my Yorkie trembled

for like a week after I got back?

Yeah.

That little guy saw some
stuff I'm not proud of.

- Whoa.
- What?

There was a fight here.

What do you mean?

Whenever Marshall and Lily have
a big argument,

they always leave a trail of evidence
all over the apartment.

Oh, God, here we go.

He had a detective club as a kid.

Uh, the Mosby Boys cracked
a lot of big cases.

The Mosby Boys?

You mean you and your sister.

We solved the mystery
of the missing retainer.

Hmm, let me guess: it was in the garbage.

Why are you like this?

Anyway, this is serious.

I know Lily and Marshall.

All the telltale signs are here.

Like this.

- A water bottle?
- Don't touch the evidence!

I got your back, partner.

It's not just any water bottle.

Notice the label is peeled off.

Lily always peels labels off

the bottlewhen she's feeling guilty.

This label is not only peeled
off, but torn up.

Oh, man, she must have
done something bad.

Which means Marshall
must have been really angry,

and when Marshall gets really angry...

he eats.

Just as I suspected,

Cherry Garcia.

Given the liquid consistency,

I place the fight between...

noon and 1:00.

Ew, that was on the floor.

If you want to get to the bottom of this,

you're gonna need a stronger stomach
than that, doll-face.

Marshall stood here.

Eating and yelling,
yelling and eating.

Lily stood here.

Crying.

Ew, Ted.

And then Marshall tried to storm out...

but Lily

went for the Hail Mary pass.

Which would mean...

What do you think,
makeup sex?

No. There'd be a bigger mess.

Tempted as he was,
Marshall was still too upset.

He had to get out of here,
any way he could.

He chose the door,

slamming it behind him.

Which is why this picture is crooked.

Nice catch, rook.

I'll just, uh, take this down to the lab.

Now all we need is a motive.

The million-dollar question.

What were they fighting about?

I know what they've been fighting...

Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.

There's only one possible conclusion.

Lily and Marshall were fighting about:

- peanut butter.
- Ah.

Lily left the lid off...

then Marshall blew his.

I know what they were fighting about,

and it wasn't peanut butter.

- Robin, just...
- I appreciate your help,

but there's a reason your
name is Robin, not Batman.

Just...

They were fighting
because they didn't get the loan

and it's all Lily's fault.

- Robin, just...
- What?

Yeah, she has a pile of debt
the size of Mount... Rushmore.

Nice try, Robin.

So, the next thing Lily did

was give Marshall
a few hours to cool off about

the peanut butter.

Then she called him to apologize,
which is why the last number dialed is...

Greenstein and Lee,
Divorce Attorneys.

This can't be happening.

They can't...

get divorced.

Not Lily and Marshall, no way.

Well, it's been nice knowing you guys.

- What do you mean?
- Well...

Marshall's gonna get you guys,
Lily's gonna get me.

Even if they did break up,
that doesn't mean we can't all still hang out.

I mean we broke up and we still hang out.
It's not weird.

It's a little weird.

Yeah, it is.

It's weird.

The world needs Marshall
and Lily... together.

I'm not crying,
there's something in my eye.

They're back.

- Hey, hey, guys.
- Hey.

We have an announcement.

I know, it's a terrible idea.

You can't do it!

Just look at me.

Oh...

I hit redial on the phone.

Divorce lawyers?

Oh, I should explain.

We got in a pretty big fight.

Yeah,

I know.

Marshall stormed out.

I went, uh, to the bar.

Still drinking that?

I paid for it.

And apparently money's tight now, so...

Listen,

I've been thinking about this,

and I know there's no way
to undo what I've done,

but, well,

I made an appointment
with a divorce lawyer.

What?!

- What?!
- Oh, no, no, no, no-no.

- What, you want a divorce now?
- No. I just mean on paper,

so that you can buy the apartment

- without my bad credit dragging us down.
- Lily...

are you trying to kill me?

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have led
with the divorce lawyer part.

No, you shouldn't have.

I love you, Lily.

I love you, too.

And I want us to have our dream home.

And, well, I don't know.

It seems like this is a way to do it.

So...

Marshall Eriksen,

will you divorce me?

That's the sweetest divorce proposal
I've ever heard.

So is that a yes?

You can't sleep with other women though.

No, we're not getting divorced,

not even on paper.

When I married you,
I married your problems, too.

The ones I knew about
and the ones I didn't.

So, that was the deal.

We'll figure this out together.

Can I get you guys anything else?

So you're not getting a divorce?

- No.
- Wow, you guys scared us.

Oh, thank God.

'Cause, I mean if you did,

then who'd be the lame married couple
I get to make fun of?

Like, "Hey, Marshall,
you married Miss Right.

You just didn't know her
first name was Always."

That stuff is gold.

So, what's the announcement?

I just got off the phone with the Realtor.

We told her that, uh,
because of our finances,

we're not getting the place.

It's just... it's not the right time.

Is what Marshall should have said.

I just got off the phone with the realtor.

We got the place!

We're homeowners!

- Don't do it. - Are you insane?
- Have you lost your mind?

Is what we should have said.

Yes! Congratulations!
That's awesome!

- This is exciting.
- Yeah.

There it is!

Our new home.

Shall we?

We shall.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Oh, what a horrible smell.

It reeks.

Oh, that's just the plant.

Don't worry, they shut it
down on the weekends.

Wh-What plant?
What are you talking about?

Don't you know?

Baby, this whole neighborhood
is downwind of the sewage treatment plant.

Wait...

what did you just say?

I said, we're downwind of the sewage
treatment plant.