How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 3, Episode 6 - I'm Not That Guy - full transcript

It was quiet in November afternoon in 2007.

I was working from home,

because, you know, no distractions.

- This is incredible!
- Oh, my God!

I can't believe it!

- I have big news.
- Oh, my God!

Okay, my thing's
pretty huge.

- But fine, you can go first.
- Okay,

- I just...
- I found a porno starring Ted Mosby!

What are you...,
what are talking about?

I'm talking about Welcome
to the Sex Plane,

and look who plays
the navigator,

Ted Mosby.

Whoa.

It's the same exact spelling
as my name.

Okay, you know,

cute coincidence, Barney.
Whatever.

I just got off the phone
with the NR...

Oh, my God,
this totally explains the thing

at my doctor's the other day.

Open wide.

I guess you're more used
to say that

than hearing it,
huh, Ted Mosby?

Who is this guy?

And why's my doctor
watching porn?

All right, let's meet
your new doppelganger.

Or should I say doppelbanger?

Oh.

Guys, guys, guys!

Can I tell my news?

- It's pretty...
- This is really bizarre.

The only other famous Mosby I know
was a Confederate general during the Civil War.

Probably not the same guy.

I got the job
at the NRDC!

You got the job!
Oh! ah

The NRDC, a nature resources defense counsel

fought to preserve America's clean water,

fresh air and
pristine wilderness.

It was Marshall's dream job.

- Congrats, buddy!
- Thanks.

It's kind of weird hugging
with porn on.

Yeah, it really is.

- Oh!
- Hey, hey-o!

New guy entering the cockpit.

Could it be the navigator,
Ted Mosby?

Uh... no.

Navigators have three
stripes on their hats.

Captains have four.
The guy's a captain.

Yeah I'm sure
complete accuracy

in all those details was very
important to the directors...

"Dirt and Skank,
The Raunch Brothers."

Baby, I have some
exciting news!

I hope it's not that you just
won some sort of race here.

I got the job
at the NRDC!

And I found a porno
starring Ted Mosby!

Oh my God,
that's amazing!

I know, right?

Oh, congratulations,
Marshall!

Congratulations to us all!

Oh, let's go
celebrate!

The fact that I found a porno
starring a guy named Ted Mosby...

let's do it!

Oh, is that him?

'Cause that Ted Mosby
really knows what he's doing.

No, that's not him.

What do you mean,

"that" Ted Mosby really knows
what he's doing.

Oh, no.

No, I meant, that
Ted Mosby,

he really knows
what he's doing.

Like all Ted Mosbys.

Wow, NRDC!

Way to go, Marshall.

But you're still gonna go to your job
interview today, right, baby?

Marshall had an interview
at a firm called Nicholson, Hewitt and West.

They represented well
pretty much everybody

Marshall was going to
sue once he started at the NRDC.

I'm not doing that interview.
Those people are evil.

Marshall, your dad went through
a lot of trouble to set this up.

You can't just pull out
at the last second.

Apparently you can.

Ted, Ted, Ted, guy in the hat!
Three stripes!

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you
Ted Mosby, porn star.

- Oh. Wow.
- whoa!

I know what kind
of plane this is.

It's a "Boing."

See.

This is way better
than Marshall's internship.

It's a real job.

Who is this guy?

Are we related?

Do, do I look like him?

Um...

It's hard to tell.

Go, go like this.

Oh, yeah, a little bit.
Yeah.

More around the eyes.
Oh, I do see that.

And here's your water,
in case you're dehydrated,

Ted Mosby.

Very funny, Wendy.

Now we know
you watch porn.

This Ted Mosby must
be getting kind of famous.

Mm.
You're not wrong.

According to
the Web site,

of the far superior
Ted Mosby...

..been in the business
three months,

and he's made
125 movies.

Wow.

That's 42 movies
a month.

Who is he, Jude Law?

Right?

He makes a lot
of movies.

I mean,

not so much lately,

but maybe, like,
two years ago,

you couldn't go to a movie without...
Shh...

Oh, hey, look,
check it out.

Ted Mosby did an interview
in Adult Video Weekly.

Adult Video Weekly?

Oh, no.

[Phone Rings]

Hello?

Hi, I'm looking for Ted Mosby.

It's Leonard Ross from AVW.

Oh, my God!

AVW?

It's Architecture Vision Weekly!

Um...

Wow, I've been reading
your magazine

since I was a little kid.

Well, that's a bummer.

Anyway, I'm calling to interview
you about your latest project.

Well, I don't want to say
it's my project.

I mean, I'll be working
with at least three partners.

Oh! Group scene.
Always fun.

Yeah, yeah, I'm really looking
forward to it.

I mean, I know they're gonna
ride me pretty hard

but they're great guys.

Guys?

Whoa, there's a scoop.

That interview went on
for 20 more minutes.

"This project was so demanding,

"I can't tell you how many nights

I spent bent over a table."

[Laughter]

Oh, hey, baby,
how'd the interview go?

Um, interesting.

There I am in the office
of Jefferson Coatsworth,

and I figure I'm not gonna
take this job anyway,

I might as well give this old
bastard a piece of my mind.

Jefferson Coatsworth

wasn't what I expected.

Marshall,

Jeff Coatsworth.

Hello.

Dude, I am so, so psyched
that you're here.

Can I beer ya?

Marshall was thrown.

This guy seemed nice.

Of course, he wasn't.

[Reporters Clamoring]

Go-go to hell!

I'd do it again!

I'm innocent.

I'm innocent.

Marshall,

why do you want to work

at Nicholson, Hewitt & West?

Right, um,
okay, Jeff,

I've actually given
this a lot of thought...

I'm sorry. Stop.

I can't do this
with a straight face.

You don't want
to work here.

You're only here 'cause your dad
went to high school with Joe Hewitt.

Fact is, you just got a sweet job
at the NRDC.

And it's awesome.

Man, I could have gone
the non-profit route.

I didn't.

And it eats me up inside
every day.

I hate myself.

I hate myself.

Oh, he's good.

Classic seduction technique.

What do you mean?

Oh, I use it all the time.

First I buy her...
and by her I mean you... a drink.

Now, I'm the guy who
gets her what she wants.

Then I pretend to care

about whatever idiotic thing
she cares about.

For you, that would be
the environment.

Now, I'm the great
guy who shares her interests.

And before you know it,
you're naked in my apartment shouting,

"Oh, oh,
Bar-r-r-ne-e-ey!"

And by you,
I mean her.

He is not trying
to seduce me.

He didn't even
offer me the job.

That comes later.

At dinner.

He did invite you to dinner,
didn't he?

Let me buy you dinner

tomorrow night

as a thank you, okay?

You'll tell me all
about the NRDC,

and we'll charge it all to
one of my evil clients.

- I, you know, I don't know,
- Marshall,

I don't know if...

you know what
Kobe beef is?

The most expensive beef
in the world.

The place I'm taking
you has Kobe lobster.

That is lobster fed
with Kobe beef.

Oh, my God, he's
trying to seduce me.

So are you gonna go
to dinner with him?

No. No way.

I promised myself
to the NRDC.

I'm not that kind
of lawyer.

Oh, you should go.

I mean, you're not
gonna take the job,

but you might as well
get a great meal out of the deal.

Don't wait up.

Guys, guys, guys,
check this out.

Ted Mosby porn star's
says bio his hometown is your hometown.

Shaker Heights, Ohio.

What?

Okay, this is
getting creepy.

Who, who is this guy?

I gotta find him.

Well, it's your
lucky day.

He's gonna be signing autographs
tomorrow night in Manhattan

at something called
the Adult Video Expo.

- Mm.
- Wait.

Are you telling me that

they actually have
conventions for porn?

Affirmative.

Or to put it another way...

God bless America.

You can really taste the beef
in that lobster.

Right.

Listen,

I know we're only here
to screw over my client,

who quite frankly deserves it...

but I gotta be able
to tell the guys upstairs

I gave you the spiel, okay?

So, first up,

starting salary.

Okay.

Here we go.

This is the big number that's
supposed to impress me and...

Wow.

That is a big number.

There's also a signing bonus,

uh, use of a company car,

expense account,
blah blah blah.

Hey, by the way, turn around
and wave to Patrick Swayze.

Hey.

I'm going to, uh,
try to remain cool.

But you know Patrick Swayze?!

He's a client.

Who do you think bought us
this wine.

Crazy Swayze.

Cheers, buddy.

Okay. No.

Jeff, this is all
very impressive,

- but I just don't think that...
- Listen, I know, I know.

gonna be tempted by big numbers
and fancy perks.

Yore gonna do the noble thing,

take the low-paying job
at the NRDC,

live off your family money.

Family money?

You do have family money,
don't you?

No, um, not that I know of.

I do have an uncle who owns a,
a pretty successful bait shop.

NRDC.

No family money.

Oh.
You don't have plan on aving kids.

Actually, I,
I want to have four kids.

Well...

New York public schools make
a lot of parents nervous,

but the kids who walk out,
walk out proud.

It was turning into a tough decision.

Now, kids, when I'm faced
with a tough decision

I like to get out the old yellow pad make a list
of pros and cons.

Marshall knew all the cons,
but there was one thing he didn't know.

a big guy live in a pros con

Lily,
you're a kindergarten teacher.

Yeah.

'Cause Robin was about to ask Lily
the one question...

An-And you make a kindergarten
teacher's salary, right?

Yeah.

...that Lily had been dreading
for years.

Well, how do you afford all
of these expensive clothes?

I shop the sales.

They were in the closet
when we moved in.

I steal.

I'm a criminal.

I once shot a man
just to watch him die.

Lily?

Okay.

That's when Lily showed Robin
her box of shame.

Lily, this is nuts.

How many credit
cards do you have?

I don't know.

Well, how much do you owe?

I don't know!

Wow.

I can't believe this many
people love porn this much,

including that guy who works
in human resources at my firm.

Hi.

Let's just wave at
each other awkwardly.

That'll make
it better.

Dude, come on, let's just find
bizarro me and get out of here.

Oh, oh, I get it.

Ted Mosby, non-porn star,
thinks this is all crude and disgusting.

You know who else was considered
crude and disgusting?

Shakespeare.

Hmm.
But his themes...

love, lust, forbidden
desire... were universal

which is why his work has
stood the test of time.

And so will
all this.

400 years from now, some
high school drama class

will be doing a plucky,
spirited production

of Beef Party VII.

Oh, my God, Lily,
that is a lot of debt.

How did you get yourself
into this situation?

I don't know what it is.

When I feel down
about something, I shop.

Ma'am, is everything okay?

Oh, I just had a huge fight
with my mother.

She doesn't understand me
at all.

I swore that teaching would be
a way to support my painting career,

but I never paint anymore.

I just got
a huge credit card bill.

Does Marshall know?

No.

But you guys are the couple
who tell each other everything.

And for God's sakes, Lily,
you text him while he's on the can.

Well, I just want him
to know I'm rooting for him.

Wait, okay, this
all makes sense.

So when you said...

But you're still going to go
to your job interview today, right, baby?

And then...

Oh, you should go.

I mean, you not going
to take the job,

but you might as well get
a great meal out of the deal.

You were pushing him into taking
that high-paying corporate job.

I know.

It's terrible that I was
trying to get him to do that.

Terrible? He has to take it.

I mean, how else are you going
to pay off all that debt?

Lily, you have to tell him about this
before he turns down that job.

You're right.
I feel awful.

You know there is sale...

We are not going shoping.

There is.
come on. let's go.

Why do I get so nervous
around celebrities?

Hi, Ted Mosby.

I'm Ted Mosby.

Ted Mosby, it's you.

Have we met?

Mr. Mosby, it is an
honor to meet you, sir.

Starney Binson.
Barney Stinson.

Damn it.

We have met.

My real name is Steve Biel.

When I was in fourth grade,
you were in ninth,

and, and one day
I was out behind the school

and a bunch
of seventh graders

were just beating
the crap out of me.

Oh, yeah, I remember.
That was you?

Yeah,
but you pulled them off me.

You told them to go pick
on someone their own size.

Huh.

I vowed right then that
when I made something of myself,

I would honor you somehow.

So you took my name and starred in
WelcomeTo The Sex Truck?

Yeah.

Um, yeah, listen, Ted,
you got to stop use my name.

I-I'm trying to make a career
as an architect.

Architect, huh?

You mean like a sex architect?

What?

Yeah, you know,
you're on to something.

That would make a
great title of a film.

Ted Mosby,
Sex Architect.

You know, I'm actually looking
for a new project

to shoot next Friday afternoon.

Yeah, listen, isn't,
isn't there some other way

you could honor me?

With all due respect.

Wait, you're not mad, are you?

Oh, man, I knew it.

My father said,
"Just plant a tree in Israel."

I'm such an idiot.

I guess
I thought you'd be psyched.

I am.

I am;
it's just

I feel a little guilty
because I'm not

the one who saved
you that day.

The guy
who actually saved you was...

named... Lance Hardwood.

Lance Hardwood, yeah.

Really?
Mm.

You know,
you might not know this,

but in my business,
that's kind of a killer name.

Yeah, I guess,
I guess it is.

I can see the poster now.

Lance Hardwood, Sex Architect.

Starring...
Ted Mosby.

I love it.

Marshall and Jeff stayed
pretty late at the restaurant.

They stayed so late that
Marshall crashed on Jeff's couch,

and the next day,

Marshall took part
in a Sunday morning tradition

as old as the city itself:
the Walk of Shame,

the long journey home after
doing something you regret the night before.

I'll take the job.

That's awesome!

Yeah!
Yeah!

Great time
last night.

I'll call you later.

He's not going
to call you.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Um, did you get my message?
I just,

- I crashed uptown.
- Yeah, yeah.

Listen, I have, uh,
something to tell you.

Uh, I have something
I need to tell you also.

Mine's pretty huge.

You go first.

- Well...
- I took the job.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I was drunk,

and it was a haze of cigars
and scotch and Swayze,

and they offered
me, like,

like, like, like,
a lot of money.

Oh, Marshall.

How much money?

Here.

Whee!
Yeah!

It's completely despicable.

I know, I know, I sold out

for a huge pile
of disgusting money,

disgusting money that could
help our future family

have some financial security

and could help pay
for law school.

Law school.

Law school that I went to
to help protect the environment,

not help destroy it.

And for what?

For, for... a lot of money.

Okay, okay,
you've got to stop screaming.

Listen,
Marshall,

you know what I like to do
in situations like this?

Ted, if you say
make a list of pros and cons,

I'm going to smack you.

I wasn't going to say that.

Okay, two beers,

and Ted, here's that yellow
legal pad you asked for.

Yellow legal pad?

I ordered fries.

Maybe you should use this
to write down people's orders.

Guys, I,
I don't know what to do.

Take the money.

Money is good,
money is happiness.

If I work there,

I'll be representing the most
evil corporations in the world.

Kind of sounds
like a pro and con list to me.

Lily, you have
to tell him.

You can help him
make this decision.

Oh, I think he's doing fine
on his own.

All right.

Marshall,

I have something to say,
and it's going to help you make your decision.

Oh, of course, you know
my heart better than I do.

You know what's best
for me and for us.

Please, please
tell me what to do.

I think you should take
the job at the NRDC.

Of course I should,
of course I should.

Guys,

I'm going to save
the planet Earth.

I got to go call Jeff.

What is the
matter with you?

I can't ask him
to make himself miserable

because of a mistake I made.

It's my problem;
I'll figure it out.

That's really sweet.

Are those new earrings?

What are you, my mom?

Jeff, hey, um, it's Marshall.

Hey, Marshall.

I have something
that I need to tell you.

I feel really weird
about doing this over the phone.

Then don't.

Before you say
anything,

come take a ride
in this awesome limo with me.

Where are we going?

Tuckahoe Funland.

I'm sorry.

It sounded like you said
Tuckahoe Funland,

the magic factory
where dreams are made.

Get in.

Man, I-I love this place.

Me, too, buddy.

So what did you
want to tell me?

I can't work for you.

I know, dude.

It's fine.

Marshall Eriksen wants to
preserve the environment,

so that our children
can enjoy it as we have.

I get it.

Good. Thank you.

I look down and see children
enjoying this place.

Yeah, because somebody fought
to preserve it.

If they ever shut this place
down, it would be a tragedy.

Well, the good news is,
that'll never happen.

You won't let it.

Because when
you work for us,

your only client will be
this place...

Tuckahoe Funland.

I'm taking the job.

Hey!
All right.

And the best part is
I'm not even going to be representing

some sort of evil corporation.

I will be representing
Tuckahoe Funland,

the least evil place
in the world.

Or so Marshall thought.

Great news,
great news.

Uh-oh.

Oh, I'd better check
on him.

Got it.

Terrific.

You'll notice I'm
in the credits.

I did some location scouting.

Here are the plans for the new
International Sex Building.

Wow, that really looks
like our apartment.

It is.

Oh, I should return these.

Oh, Sex Architect,
you've done it again.

Let's go celebrate
on the couch.