How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 3, Episode 5 - How I Met Everyone Else - full transcript

Oh, God, what was her name?

it's been 23 years,

I can't remember
all this stuff.

For the sake of the story,
let's call her...

Everyone, this is Blahblah.

Please, call me Blah.

So, Blah, how did
you two meet?

Well, I was taking
this cooking class,

French Fusion, and everyone
already had a partner,

but then I looked up
and across a crowded room,

I saw Ted.

It was magical.

It was so magical.

Except it wasn't.

She's going to tell some bogus
story about a cooking class

because she's embarrassed
we met online.

- Ai Chihuahua!
- What?

What? There's no stigma anymore.

Oh, there's a stigma.

That's why people always say,
"There's no stigma anymore."

So, she's hot?

Oh, she's gorgeous.

Then she's crazy.

No, she's not.

Ted, the only hot girls
that troll the Internet

for dudes are crazy,
hookers, or dudes.

Okay, she's
not crazy.

She's not a hooker.
She's not a dude.

There's this guy I pass on
my way to work every day

who's all three... scares
the crap out of me.

There is no way
she is above the line

on the Hot/Crazy scale.

She's not even on
the Hot/Crazy scale.

She's just hot.

Wait."Hot/Crazy scale"?

Let me illustrate.

A girl is allowed to be crazy

as long as she is equally hot.

Thus, if she's this crazy,
she has to be this hot.

If she's this crazy,
she has to be this hot.

You want a girl
to be above this line,

also known
as the Vickie Mendoza Diagonal.

This girl I dated, she played
jump rope with that line.

She'd shave her head,
then lose ten pounds.

She'd stab me with a fork,
then get a boob job.

I should give her a call.

Okay, so please,

just play along
with her fake story.

We met in a cooking class.

I don't know, Ted.

I don't know if I can
just play along

with your crazy girlfriend's
fake story.

Now, if you had said
fake breasts...

She's not crazy.

Okay. We'll see.

Long story short, thank goodness
I'm such a bad cook,

or I never would have met Ted.

Oh, crazy
how cute that is.

It's crazy.

You know who else has a really
cute story of how they met?

Marshal and Lily.

You guys should tell
that story, right now.

Yeah.

All right.
But spoiler alert.

It ends with everyone
saying, "Aw!"

Aw.

Starts with it, too.

When you've been a couple
as long as Marshal and Lily,

telling the how-we-met story
becomes a choreographed dance.

It was late August, 1996.

Lily and I were both
freshman moving into...

- Hewitt Hall.
- Hewitt Hall.

And she needed some help
setting up her stereo.

For some unknown reason,
I felt drawn to room 110.

As if she knew

that someone very special
was behind that door.

And as fate would have it
that someone was Marshall.

- It was love at first sight.
- It was love at first sight.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Aw...

I know, right?

Now, they perfected that story
over hundreds of tellings.

The first time
Marshall told it to me,

it was a little different.

Dude, this black-haired
Goth chick stopped by today.

Want to tap it.

You guys are so lucky.

You know, when Ted and I
were cooking

and our hands touched
for the first time,

I knew right then
that after class

he would take me up on the roof,
kiss me and give me a rose.

Which he did!

Say, "Aw."

- Aw.
- Aw.

I know, right?

I'll get the next round,
okay, guys?

Anybody would be stressed out
meeting new people.

She's not crazy.

Crazy-generous maybe,
buying us drinks.

Shut up.

So we know how
Marshall and Lily met

Robin, how did
you and Barney meet?

No...

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.
No, no, no.

No. No. Barney and I
are not together. No. No.

Really? 16 no's?
Really?

So you're...

single?

Yeah.

Oh. So, pretty and single
and friends with Ted.

Great.

You know who else is
friends with Ted?

Marshall.

How did we meet?

It was a good story.

I'm going to tell it,
right now.

Uh, it was the first
day of college.

Kids, to understand this story,
you need to know

that your Uncle Marshall
was doing something

that lots of college kids do.

How do I say this?

He was, uh...
let's say, eating a sandwich.

Dude, I heard
the dean is coming.

Put out your sandwich.

Hey.

Good afternoon, sir.

I'm Marshall Erickson.

"Sir"? No, please,
just call me Ted.

Okay, Dean Ted.

Whoa...

Someone's been eating
a sandwich.

What? No. Really?

I don't know 'cause I don't even
know what sandwiches smell like.

My parents are going to donate
a lot of money to this school.

So you're bottom bunk;
that's cool.

I wanted the
top bunk anyway.

What do you mean?

I'm you're new roommate.

So unfair.

I didn't realize
Ted wasn't the dean

until later that night.

You're not the dean.

College... good times.

Oh, I get it. Ted told you
I didn't go to college,

so now you're giving me
a cute, little backhanded slap.

Oh, here we go.

Well, while you were busy majoring
in being freakin' beautiful,

I was starting
my own line of handbags.

Your own line
of handbags?

That's crazy.

These have sold in Japan.

Robin, have you ever sold
anything in Japan?

Uh, no. But I would love
to buy one of them, if...

Where can I get one?

I don't have a distributor
here yet,

but than for rubbing that in.

Why are you trying
to undermine me in front of Ted?

Look, there's nothing going on
between me and Ted.

Wow, that just...
came out of nowhere.

No, I'm just saying that you
have nothing to worry about.

I wasn't worried.
Are you saying I should be?

No, I'm saying
that you shouldn't be.

Oh, good, 'cause I'm not.

Now, Robin,
can you just let it go?

You're making all of us
really uncomfortable.

You know what else is
a good story?

How Barney and I met.

Barney, tell that story,
right now, please.

Okay, Ted.
This is a crazy story.

You're going to love it.

Tonight's
the first time

I'm taking my deaf brother out
since our mom died.

Oh, I'm sorry
about that.

No, that's okay.

I have to take care
of him now.

Of course, I have had
to put my dreams on hold

in order to do it,
but...

I'm happy to.

He's my brother
and I love him.

I'm sorry,
it's all still so fresh.

Well, man, I'm, uh...
I'm really sorry.

Wow, you bought that?

What?

I just made that up
in mid-pee.

If it worked on you,
it's definitely going to work

on the blonde chick
at the end of the bar.

Unless you're a total idiot.
What's your name?

Ted.

Are you a total idiot, Ted?

Well, I'm still having
this conversation, so...

Well played.

I like you, Ted.

Ted, I'm going to teach
you how to live.

Barney.
We met at the urinal.

Oh, right. Hi.

Lesson one: Lose the goatee;
it doesn't go with your suit.

I'm not wearing a suit.

Lesson two: Get a suit.

Suits are cool...
Exhibit A.

Lesson three: Don't even think
about getting married until you're 30.

And lesson four:

Be totally silent for
the next five minutes.

Hey, Audrey.

Uh, this is
my deaf brother, Edward.

Edward!

This is Audrey!

You know, I actually know
some sign language.

He doesn't sign.

He's embarrassed by his hands.

They're tiny...
and lady-like.

What? You...
are over your hand issues.

It's about time.

Here. Call me.

And even though that girl ended
up giving me a fake number,

I knew that Ted and I would be
each others wingmen forever.

Barney, it's
time you knew.

Um, that story actually goes
a little bit differently.

Great. Funny.

God, with a wingman like Ted,
I might need to resort

to meeting someone in a super,
desperate and lame way,

like online.

Online.

Online.

Oh, my God!
You told them?!

Okay, yes, I told them.

But it's not a big deal.

Lots of people meet
on the Internet.

That whole scene, a stranger
across a crowded room thing...

that only happens
in the movies.

Yeah, that never happens.
Oh, wait, except you and Robin.

That's how
you guys met, right?

Wait, you guys dated?

For how long?

A year.

But don't worry.

The relationship
wasn't that good.

By the end, it was
mostly about sex.

Which was not that good.

But I was the problem.
I'd just lie there.

Ted is, uh,
very good.

I'm sure he will get you
where you need to go.

Can I buy your bags online?

Oh, oh, I see what's
going on here, Ted.

I'm just some random girl
to make Robin jealous,

and after she takes
you back,

you probably won't
even remember my name.

Come on, Blahblah,
it's not like that.

Well, we're closing in
on the half.

Let's see how Blahblah is doing
on the crazy/hot scale.

She started the night here,
but as the night's progressed,

she's gotten crazier
but no hotter,

which has caused her to drift
across the Mendoza Diagonal

and dangerously close
to the Shelly Gilespie Zone.

Another girl I dated...

she gained 20 pounds and tried
to kill me with a brick.

I'm sorry I didn't tell
you, but seriously,

there's nothing going
on with me and Robin.

Then why has she been trying
to undermine me all night?

I mean, look at her.

She's laughing at me
right now.

I'm sorry,
it's just, you know,

Lily and Marshall's story
is so romantic.

I just wish we had
something like that.

Well, their story's not
as magical as it seems.

What do you mean?

No, I, I can't, it's,
it's kind of a secret.

Well, how about I tell you
a little secret

about what you might get
to do later tonight?

The night before
Lily met Marshall...

...there was this party.

Hey.

You a freshwoman?

I never use
the word "freshman."

Sexist.

Yeah, I'm a first year.

I'm in Hewitt 220.

No way. Hewitt 110.

You should totally come by.

Maybe I will, Hewitt 110.

Look at these drunk idiots.

Hey, don't drink
their two dollar beer.

This is a pinot noir.
From Europe.

Oh, it's fruity.

Yeah, I cut it
with some cranberry juice.

It was pretty strong.

So, uh...

do you have a girlfriend?

Yeah.

Not sure about the whole
"long distance" thing, though.

It's like Descartes says.

"In order to determine

"whether there is anything
we can know with certainty,

we first have to doubt
everything we know."

You know?

Wow.

But as drunk as she was, when
she woke up the next morning,

she still
remembered room 110.

That's why she
knocked on the door.

She was looking for me.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, and in
all these years,

Lily and I have never
even spoken about it,

so again, mum's the word, okay?

You have to tell Marshall.

No, if, if he heard that,
it would destroy him.

If you don't tell him...

...I will.

Oh, come on, you wouldn't.

So, Lily,
how did you and Ted meet?

Come on, Lily, the real story.

I don't think anyone wants
to hear that story.

Aw, don't be embarrassed, Ted,
it was a long time ago.

And I made a huge mistuge
last night,

but it's like
Descartes says.

"In order to determine
whether there is anything

"we can know with certainty,

we first have
to doubt everything we know."

And I now know for certain
that I love you, Karen.

Anyway, call me back
when you get this.

I'm also going down
to the computer center

to send you an electronic mail.

Ted.

This is Lily.

No, no, I'm sorry,
but I love Karen.

Yes, that is the unabridged
story of how Lily and I met.

How embarrassing.

Who wants another round?

That's not the story.
Ted, tell 'em.

Tell us what?

Um, Lily, will you help us get
the next round?

Ted, what's going on?

She knows about us,
about how we really met.

Yeah, I know,
I just told her.

No, the
real story.

Ted, what are you
talking about?

Lily... come on.

Come on, what?

Lily... come on.

Ted, I honestly don't know
what you're talking about.

Lily... come on.

I know that you and Ted made out
the night before you met Marshall.

What?

Ted and I never made out.

Yeah... we did.

I only made out
with one other guy in college

before I met Marshall, and
it was just some random dude.

I, I don't even
remember his name.

I just call him
Too Much Tongue Guy.

What? Too Much Tongue Guy?

Well, I'm not
surprised to hear that

coming from Unreasonably
Small Mouth Opening Girl.

That wasn't me.

Yes, it was, at the
freshman orientation party.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no.

No, no, no, no, no!

How much fun is this?

All of us reminiscing
about how we met me?

Robin, have I told you
how I met Marshall?

Uh, yeah,
like five or six ti...

It was right
over there.

Here's your problem.

You've only slept
with one woman.

Those kind of stats
are only okay if you're 11,

but tonight
we're getting you a new girl

because,
Marshall Eriksen,

from this moment on, I make
all your decisions for you.

I'm sorry,
who, who are you again?

This is Barney; I met
him the other day.

He's kind of
a jackass.

I'm teaching Ted how to live,

and... lucky you... I have room
for one more student.

Think of me as Yoda,

only instead of being little and green,

I wear suits and I'm awesome.

I'm your bro.

I'm Bro-da.

And tonight,
you're going to use The Force

to get the hottest chick
in this bar into bed.

He's going to
use force?

'Cause that sounds
wrong, Bro-da.

No, The Force.

It's a Star Wars reference.

So we should make lots of Star
Wars references around girls.

That's what
you're saying?

I'm not going to cheat
on my girlfriend.

Yes, you are, with the hottie
that just walked in.

Look at her.

How much hotter
is she than your girlfriend?

There's no comparison.

What do you think, Ted?

- No.
- Should I go for it?

Don't do it, man.

I mean, think about Lily.

You know what?
I don't care.

I've been with one woman
for too long.

I need me some strange.

Yes! Yes!

Pep talk.

You can do this,

but to be more accurate,
you probably can't.

You're way out of practice and
she is way too hot for you,

so remember, tonight
isn't about scoring.

It's about believing
that you can do it

even though
you probably can't.

Go get 'em, tiger.

Poor guy's going
to crash and burn.

That man is a god.

For like a week after,

Barney followed me around
asking me to teach him how to live.

I even got him
to do my laundry once.

I thought it was a Mr.
Miyagi kind of thing.

Marshall, I need to talk to you.

Can we go somewhere in private?

Yeah, of course. What's wrong?

Lily and Ted made out.

What do you think of that,
Robin?

What are you talking about?

You know that guy
I made out with

at the freshman
orientation party?

Too Much Tongue Guy, yeah.

And you know that girl
I made out with

at the freshman
orientation party?

Unreasonably Small
Mouth Opening Girl, yeah.

I'm Too Much Tongue Guy.

And I'm Unreasonably
Small Mouth Opening Girl.

Worst superheroes ever.

Oh, baby, I am so sorry.

I don't think
you need to be.

I was at that party.

It was dark and, granted,

I had eaten quite a few
sandwiches, but I'm 100% sure

that Unreasonably Small
Mouth Opening Girl

was Alexa
Leskeys, not Lily.

Really?

Yeah, I'm positive,

and Too Much Tongue
Guy was Colin O'Reilly.

Are you sure?

If it wasn't,

I peed in the wrong
guy's shampoo, man.

You don't really
believe that, do you?

You swore it was Lily.

I guess I made a mistake.

Must have been Alexa

Another girl, Ted?

Who haven't you made out with?

You know what?
I don't need this.

I design handbags,
I'm writing a memoir,

I'm a superstar,
this is totally my year.

Someday the name Blahblah
will be up in lights.

And, Ted, next time you're online
playing World of Warcraft,

don't even think
about chatting with me.

World of Warcraft?

The online role-playing game?

That's how you two "met online"?

Yeah, it's a really...
it's a cool game.

So suffice it to say,

Blahblah did not turn out
to be your mother,

and as for the girl
I made out with at the party,

there wasn't a doubt in my mind
that was your Aunt Lily.

But, you know,
that magical story

of how she
and Uncle Marshall met,

it was worth preserving,
so I kept my mouth shut.

I guess I made a mistake.

Must have been Alexa.

Until our 20th college reunion

when I ran into Alexa Leskeys.

So, Ted, remember
the last time we were here?

You and me?

No idea.

Ted... come on.

Freshman year,
we were both pretty drunk?

That was you?

Lily, we never made out.

I know.

So I am not Too
Much Tongue Guy.

Actually...

No.

Look what I've confiscated
from some kids.

That is a fat sandwich.

I know, right?

Chew, chew, chew,
chew, swallow.

Oh, that's all right,
honey.

Sandwiches are strong
these days.

I can't believe I used
to be able to eat

a whole sandwich
by myself.

Now it's like two
bites and I am done.

Baby, can we grow sandwiches
behind the garage?

Dude, we're 42.

W-W-Where's my wife?