How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 3, Episode 1 - Wait for It - full transcript

Kids, there more than one story
of how I met your mother.

You know the short version, the thing
with your mom's yellow umbrella.

But there's a bigger story.

The story of how I became who I had
to become before I could meet her.

And that story begins,
here.

...dary!

Legendary!

Dude, I am so excited
that you're single again.

We are going to conquer
New York City.

I already have a girl
from work lined up for you.

Right boob bigger
than the left boob,

which some choose
to look at as bra half empty,

I choose to look at as bra half full.

I don't know.

Robin and I broke up
two weeks ago.

I'm... I'm not ready.

When will you be ready?

It was a good question.

After a big relationship ends,
you need some time to recuperate.

Robin took a trip to Argentina,
and I went through my usual routine.

I grew my breakup beard.

Ted Mosby, suit up,

'cause here's the plan.
There's a Miss Nassau County pageant.

We'll pretend to be judges
and, yes, our votes are for sale.

I'm not ready.

I repainted the apartment.

Finish Line of a women's 10K.

Salty girls on an endorphin high
who just want to lie down.

- Yeah.
- I'm not ready.

And the truth is,
I was doing really good.

Female acrobats from Montreal.
Super flexible.

We are going to get
Cirque de So-Laid.

What up?

Barney, come on, we've covered this.
I'm not...

- Hey, guys.

I just got in last night.

Um, uh, this is Gael.

Hola.

Okay, I'm ready.

Synchro: MiniBen314
Proofreading: Flovap

Transcript: Raceman
Resync: kabbage

How I met your mother
3x01 - Wait For It...

I just can't believe her.

We have this totally amicable split,
everything's cool.

And she comes back
from vacation with that guy?

You know what she's doing?

She's trying to win the breakup.

What do you mean "win thebreakup",
old-timey inventor?

What our 21st president,
Chester A. Arthur, is trying to say,

is that in every breakup there are
winners and a losers.

It's not a competition.

Now, your 80-day balloon race around
the world, that was a competition.

That's my wife.

Of course it's
a competition, Lil.

How else do you explain...
what's his name?

Gael.

I'm sorry, Gayle?

Gael.

Kyle?

Gael.

Girl?

It's pronounced "guy-el."

It means "joyful."

That is why I live
my life by bringing joy,

good energy
and happiness to others.

Especially those
less fortunate that I.

I'm sorry, so it's Gayle?

What a jerk.

I don't go to your stupid country and
try to seduce women with my sexy accent.

That's a great point,
Persian nightclub owner.

Oh, and he's a masseuse.

With a massage,

everything is connected.

I can touch your foot,
cleanse your kidney.

I can touch your earlobe,
and slow your heartbeat.

One time, I used warm water
to make a guy pee.

Of course, I didn't
make a career out of it.

Career?

Such an American idea.

My career is living.

Windsurfing.

Making love.

Sometimes at the same time.

How?
How would one do that exactly?

Seriously, don't giggle.
Tell me.

Not possible. You cannot have sex
on a windsurfing board.

- How do you know?
- Glad you asked, Lily.

I have crafted a list
of every vehicle...

land-based, aquatic and airborne...

in which/on which it's
possible to have sex.

And of those 33 vehicles,
I have had sex in/on 31.

Windsurfing board,
not on the list, not possible.

Oh, P.S., in orderto hit 33,

all I need is bobsled
and the Apollo 11 space capsule.

To get that last one, you'd have
to break into the Smithsonian.

This conversation never happened.

All right, you're suited up,
I'm bearded down.

- Let's get out there and win this thing.
- Yes!

You guys, have fun
on your double date.

Oh, for the hundredth time,
I'm sorry, there was a lull.

And then we fell asleep on the beach
while counting the stars.

Do you want to have
dinner with me? Uh, us?

There was no lull.

- You just think he's incredibly hot.
- No, I don't!

Not incredibly.

It's a little hard to believe
how hot he is.

But, I mean, she's not
serious about him.

The girl never marries the hot guy.

Well, you did.

I'm one of the lucky few.

Lily, Ted is our best friend,
so let's get something straight:

Male Gayle is not hot.

He's not our friend.
Don't even look at him.

Just... no eye contact.

So that night, as Lily and Marshall
did their best to hate Gael...

Hey, Robin. Gael.

Robin pulled me aside
to check in.

Now, I'm sure
she meant the best,

but she said the worst.

I just want to make sure
you're okay with this.

"I just want to make sure
you're okay with this"?

Damn it! I can't believe she's
the one that gets to say that.

She's winning, isn't she?

Not for long.
Okay, pep talk.

Take a knee.

Ted, tonight we're going to get you
someone way hotter than Robin.

Okay, Robin's a ten.

Fine, we'll get you a 12.

Or, you know...
two sixes.

Failing that, four threes.

And break glass
in case of emergency,

we'll go to Staten Island,
I'll get you 12 ones.

Ted, my boy, I am going to
re-teach you how...

- Amy.
- Ted.

Barney.

Ted, we are back!

Up here.

Up high.

Fivin' it up five-style!

I'm sorry this is
all so weird.

Weird, why would it be weird?

Because you used to date
our best friend or because my wife

thinks your new boyfriend
is incredibly hot?

I do not! Shut up!
Oh, my God!

- I just hope Ted's okay.
- Hmm.

I hate to see you so tense.

I mean, we had a really
clean break up, you know?

We really acted like adults,
so the last thing... oh!

Gael, are you a properly
licensed massage therapist?

What?

Are you legally certified by some type
of governing entity?

I train for three years at
an institute in Buenos Aires.

I have a card.
I can show you.

Is the card laminated?

- What do you mean "laminated"?
- Covered in protective plastic.

- Oh, yes.
- Damn it.

He checks out.

Ted. Ted.

- Ted. Ted.
- What!?

Let's bail, this place is dead.

Yeah, you're right.
We're both totally striking out.

Exactly, plus,
we're on a tight schedule.

I've got this entire evening
perfectly planned out... spoiler alert:

our last stop is an after hours club so
after hours, it's three days from now.

What up.

Are you blind?
I'm making out with a 12.

- I am winning.
- Yeah, but I didn't get to help.

So you're saying
you want me to throw away

a super hot girl just because
you didn't help me get her?

Apology accepted.
Let's go.

- Who's the suit?
- This is Barney.

- Barney, Amy.
- I'm not gonna remember that.

Now, if you'll exse me,
random chick from earlier tonight,

as you shall henceforth be known,
Ted and I have a schedule to keep.

Well, you can check off 8:54, dress up
like a dork and bother the cool kids.

Beat it, nerd.

Wow. Wow.
Great stuff, Tommy Lee.

See, what you don't understand is
I'm Ted's wingman.

It's a sacred bond, much stronger
than any... They're making out again.

Massage therapist.

And you know what, "Gayle"?

Your piece of chicken
looks a little tense to me.

Oh, oh, does that
feel good, Mr. Chicken?

Well, guess what?

I didn't wash my hands.

Got him.

Lily!

We carry so much ancient emotion
in our neck and shoulders.

Things we should have
let go of years ago.

I forgive you, Mom.

Lily, we are Ted's best friends.
Our job is to hate that guy.

Oh, yeah,
that's what I was doing.

I was just building him up so

a few minutes later,
I could totally cut him down.

Weren't you wearing a bra?

The night was going great.

Amy was cool and dangerous.

She found a friend for Barney.

She even paid for drinks...
sort of.

They know us here.
You're gonna get us in trouble.

Tell me something. Do you ask your
tailor to leave extra room in the crotch

for your huge vagina?

You... your vagina...

Ted, this chick is crazy.
We're leaving.

Good idea.
Let's all go back to my place.

Your place? Thanks but no thanks,
1994 Courtney Love.

I have a hot tub.

Okay, this is
actually pretty nice.

I like your tatts.

Thanks, you can play
with them if you want.

They're a hundred percent real.

No, your tatts... toos,
your tattoos.

Thanks.

- You should get one.
- Wrong!

Ted has a classic
clean*

that never goes out of style
season after season, burn.

Yeah? Well, I think he
would look hot with some ink.

- No, he wouldn't.
- Yes, he would.

No, he wouldn't.

I'm ready to do anything
you want by the way. Anything.

Right now.

Ted, who are you gonna side
with on this tattoo thing?

I think I'd look
way hot with some ink.

- Yeah, you would.
- Yeah.

Oh, my God!
Tyler?

Mommy! Daddy!
She's back!

Damn it, they're supposed
to be in the Hamptons. Run!

Sorry. I used to nanny for
those jerks before they fired me.

- So unfair.
- Unfair?

I wouldn't let you take care of the
imaginary kids I make up

to score with single moms.

That's it, Ted.
We're going home.

Ted?

Ted, you okay?

Hello, Ted.

Robin and I are about to make fantastic
aquatic sex on this windsurfing board.

And I just want to make sure
you're okay with this.

- Okay, how do we this?
- I think your leg goes up, up...

- Okay, how about if I, um...
- No, mine...

I'm okay.

In fact, here's
how okay I am.

- I'm getting a tattoo.
- You're not getting a tattoo,

it's not you.

Ted, you are heading
down a dark path.

That dark path
is my driveway.

But you need a plan
and you need a wingman!

This is so going
in my blog!

Want to have sex?

Okay.

And underneath,
it should say, "I win."

And then it should have
flames coming out the bottom.

Fire!

We should start a fire.

After this maybe.

Oh, man, this is
going to be legend... Wait for it.

And that's all I remember.

The next morning,
I woke up alone, back home.

Hey, buddy, how
was your night?

You know, it was great.

I met this crazy girl,
I almost got a tattoo.

Don't worry.
I didn't, but it was...

It was amazing.

I think it's safe to say,
I am winning this breakup.

Look.

Oh, my God.

- What?
- Nothing.

This J. Crew catalog.

Who brings two Golden
Retrievers in a canoe?

- We got to call Barney.
- Way ahead of you.

Hey, guys, what's
the big emergency?

Oh, and B the W:
I am never speaking to Ted again.

Really? Never?

Not even if, say,
butterflies flew out of his ass?

What?

Ted? Could you grab me
the fondue pot?

He has no idea.

Mm-hmm.
And up we go.

Thank you.

What?

- Ted?
- Mm?

I came here
this morning because...

- I want to apologize.
- Apology accepted, Barney.

As you can see, I do just fine on my own.
I don't need a baby-sitter.

See, all this time, I thought you needed
a wingman to fly, but the truth is, you...

you've got your
own wings now.

Since you and Robin split,
you've been gestating.

Growing in your cocoon.

And last night...
...you burst out of that cocoon

like a...
like a majestic, uh...

Gosh, what is it that
comes out of a cocoon?

I was always bad at science.

He's going to say it!

A butterfly?

- What?
- Nothing, buddy.

Ow! Why did that hurt so...?

Oh, my God!

- I have a tattoo!
- Oh, that's not a tattoo.

That, dear boy,
is a tramp stamp.

A tramp stamp.

You know, a ho tag.
Ass antlers.

A Panama City license plate.

And suddenly,
it all came back to me.

...dary!

Legendary!

Man, I am so winning
this breakup.

I just broke up
with my boyfriend Steve.

He was totally annoying.

He was, like, "I think you're the one,
I want to marry you."

What a wuss.

Do you think
exes can be friends?

Yeah, sure. I mean,
we're still friends, right, Steve?

Hey, your name is Steve.

And her ex-boyfriend's name is Steve.

What are the odds of that...?

Wait.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Give me this.

- Oh, yeah, that'll get it out.
- Maybe you should try club soda.

Damn it, it really hurts. I need,
like, some ointment or something.

Spanish massage oil.

Spanish massage oil?

What happened here last night?

Last night got weird.

Feel the emotions release.

Think I just got over
being chunky in the ninth grade.

You're beautiful.

I am beautiful.

Experience your food.

Try the mango.

Okay, that's enough of the fruit.

We're sorry, Ted.
It'll never happen again.

It meant nothing to us.
It just felt really, really, really good.

I can't even look
at you two right now.

He got a tramp stamp.

All right, first of all,
this isn't one of those,

"I came all the way over here
because I want you back" things.

There'll be no startling
confession of love,

no sweet indie rock song that
swells up we're about to kiss,

- none of that crap. Got it?
- Okay.

Good.
Now, here's the thing.

It sucks that you came back from Argentina
with someone as awesome as Gael.

And I know I have no
right to be upset at you.

We're broken up, life
goes on, whatever.

But you know what?
We-We never did this.

We-We had this polite breakup
with no irrational yelling, and...

and that's just wrong!

So, I'm going to yell
irrationally for a little while,

and you're just going to have to
stand there and deal with it, okay?

- If you feel like you need to do that...
- I think I do!

I really think I do!
So now I'm yelling!

- You shaved.
- I did!

- I liked the beard.
- I liked it, too,

but it was getting kind of hot!

Maybe in the winter,
I'll grow it back out!

Okay, I'm done.

I know it was weird
showing up with Gael.

I'm sorry.

Look, us breaking up,
it was the right thing.

But it took some time to
get over you, you know?

I-I'm still getting over you.

But you? You were over it the minute
they started the in-flight movie.

Over it?!

My first three days in Argentina,
I cried my eyes out.

I missed you so much.

I wanted to go and prove how
adventurous I am, but the truth is...

it was really lonely.

And that's why Gael happened.

You weren't trying to win the breakup?

I was trying to survive it.

See, look, that all sounds good,

and we'll still be friends
and move on, but...

did he have to be so hot?

- The guy's an Adonis.
- He's not an Adonis.

He's the Cadillac of rebound guys.
Marshall has a crush on him!

- The guy's perfect.
- He's not perfect.

Oh, come on.
He's hot,

he wind surfs,
he massages things.

Name one way I'm
better than that guy.

You're bigger.

Don't patronize me. If anything,
he may even be a little bit taller.

No. Ted... you're bigger.

I win!

Kids, I can't remember exactly
what helped me get through

the whole Robin-Gael incident.

I'm sure that it was something
profound and meaningful,

and not at all macho and petty,

but after that,
I was back on my feet.

And what followed was
a new era in my life,

a crazy time
unlike anything that ce before.

It's funny looking back
at those days,

knowing now exactly
what I was heading towards.

And what was heading
towards me.

Go for Barney.

Hey, man, it's Marshall.

Check your e-mail.
Sent you something.

- What is it?
- Just a new Web site.

What does this mean?

Ma-Marshall?

No.

No!