How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 3, Episode 2 - We're Not from Here - full transcript
Marshall and Lily are doing many of their post-wedding tasks, such as writing thank you notes and preparing their individual "death folder", which is a package of information for the other in case of their untimely death. Lily implies that the folder should contain a personal letter, of which Marshall was not aware. He quickly writes a heartfelt letter to the love of his life. Unable to resist the urge, he opens Lily's letter which isn't quite what he was expecting. Robin, who had a good time in Argentina, can't seem to capture that joie de vivre she had while in Argentina, even though Gael is still doing those things he did in Argentina which made her so carefree. A move by Gael may show Robin if she really is cut out to be the "Argentina Robin". And impressed by how Gael attracts the women, Barney and Ted decide to take on that attribute they believe is attracting the women: being a foreigner who can only have a short term fling before heading home.
Different, not different?
It's the same. Mostly.
Except I think I might
be getting carpal tunnel.
My hand keeps cramping up.
I thought the whole point
of getting married was
that you didn't have to do that anymore.
No, it's from writing all the thank you notes.
Mostly.
Yeah.
You're writing constantly.
There's forms we
have to sign, our death folders,
thank you notes.
Whoa, whoa.
What are death folders?
It's this thing they recommend you do
in case one spouse dies unexpectedly.
It's all the information
your spouse might need
all in one convenient location
Yeah.
Account info,
important addresses,
a letter to the other person.
All that stuff.
I'll get the next round.
I am such a jerk.
Yeah.
Wait, why?
I didn't know that I was
supposed to write a letter.
All Lily's gonna find
in that folder are a bunch
of bank statements
and a funny list of things to do
with my ashes.
- Marshall brownies. Number six.
- Yeah.
Oh, God, I am a bad husband.
No, uh, no, I'll just write,
I'll write Lily a letter
tonight, everything'll be fine.
That's right.
Unless...
- you die between now and then.
- Ooh.
- But... come on, that's never gonna happen.
- Yes!
If there's one thing we can
state with absolute certainty
it's that Marshall Eriksen
is not going to die
before writing that letter.
No way at all.
In fact, I dare God to smite down
this perfectly healthy...
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
I get it.
Okay, you guys know
I'm a little superstitious,
and you guys are trying to freak me out.
Well, guess what?
It didn't work.
So, there.
You guys are jerks!
Kids, after Robin and I broke up,
she needed some time away.
Away from her normal home,
her normal life,
and it turns out,
her normal self.
I was just so uptight
in New York, you know?
I mean down here everybody
shares everything.
It's like we're all one big
shimmering ball of positive energy.
I wonder if anyone's ever
thought that before.
Here. Eat.
If we run out of fish, I will
catch more with my hands.
A drum circle!
They're different every time.
Let's go watch!
And here I am at the drum circle.
Whoa, are you topless?
Ted, check this out.
Seen 'em.
Wow, it seems like a great trip.
Oh, it was.
I feel like the Robin who left
is not the same Robin
who came back, you know.
Wow, there's a lot of nude people in here.
You haven't changed,
Scherbatsky.
You're a sophisticated,
scotch-swilling,
cigar-smoking,
red-meat-eating,
gun-toting New Yorker.
Just shoes and a shirt.
That's a look.
What you are not is a massage-giving,
windsurfing, bongo-playing,
teetotaling, vegan,
peacenik, hippy
like you soon to be ex-boyfriend, Gael.
Back me up here, Ted.
I'm just happy Robin's happy.
- Thank you.
- Man, this is like a
"Where's Waldo" of exposed genitalia.
Except that it's really easy to find Waldo.
I'm evolved...
and I'm enjoying living my life
a little bit closer to the way Gael
- and I did in Argentina.
- Please.
Vacation romances have an expiration date.
Gael's got a "best if
banged by" sticker on him.
Once your romance starts to stink,
you'll dump his ass down the drain
like sour milk and go back to being
"Unevolved Robin," the one we actually like.
Back me up here, Ted.
I'm just happy Robin's happy.
I'm telling you,
within three days...
Ooh, here he comes.
Switched to big words.
Within a triad of solar periods,
you'll recognize your dearth
of compatibility with your paramour
and conclude your association.
My journey was transformative.
And I reassert my commitment to both
the aforementioned paramour
and the philosophies he espouses.
What are we talking of?
othell?
This is all gonna return to
masticate you in the gluteals.
Support my hypothesis, Ted.
I'm just jubilant my former
paramour's jubilant.
To write the letter
he hoped Lily would never have to read.
"My dearest,
sweetest, Lily pad.
"Let this letter be a small beacon,
"a tiny firefly to help light your way
"through the years ahead.
"My love for you persists
"higher than the Himalayas.
Deeper than a Scottish loch."
"If I died under suspicious
circumstances,"then beware.
"Trust no oneNot even Ted."
"Especially not Ted."
"Know that I'll always
be there in your heart"whenever you need me,
"and that my love for you will never die.
"Love...
your marshmallow."
"M.
"ATM pin code: 5-4-5-9.
"Teacher's pension account: A-3-9-3-2.
"Cancel Vogue.
L."
My windsurfing board...
it had floated away.
And the shark...
he was getting closer.
They say to escape
you punch a shark in the nose.
But I said, "Brother shark,
we are both children from the same
Earth mother."
And that's all I remember until the hospital.
That guy.
Yeah.
That guy.
Look at how easy he has it.
You and me, we have
to bend over backwards
to get a woman to, well,
bend over backwards.
But that guy...
Every woman in the bar is hanging
on his every slightly mispronounced word.
And why?
He's better looking than us.
No.
Because he's from out of town.
Mmm.
With and accent and an innocent smile,
you don't even have to try.
Yeah.
Plus automatic out, you're leaving in
a couple of days.
God, I wish we were tourists.
Yeah.
Actually...
You know where I've been
meaning to visit?
Okay, okay, we're from a small
town in the south of France.
Our plane leaves Sunday morning.
Uh, hey, uh, howdy, ladies.
Hate to bother you.
We seem to be a little bit lost.
Would you happen to know which street
the Statue of Liberty's on?
Actually,
it's on its own island.
Oh!
Oh, it's right...
Ah.
Thank you very...
Uh, my name is, uh,
Ignatius Peabody Nobel.
From East Westerton,
Missouri.
And this is my friend, Ted.
Hi, um, I'm Colleen.
Hi, Colleen.
This is Lindsay.
Hi, Lindsay.
So, hey,:you-you-you ladies,
been awful nice to us.
What do you say...
Ah, never mind.
No...
No, what is it?
Well...
it's just we're leaving Sunday morning.
It sure would be nice to have some
real New Yorkers show us around.
Yeah.
Well, we're busy tonight, but...
maybe tomorrow afternoon?
After lunch?
Well, hotdog!
Should we...
you want to just meet here
in front of Mac...
MacLaren's Pub?
It's kind of a lame bar, but sure.
Really? It doesn't seem that lame to me.
It's pretty lame.
I think it's cool.
We'll see you tomorrow.
I'm just saying it seems like a kind of bar
a lot of cool people would hang out at.
Okay, all right.
So, Gael, huh?
Mmm.
Still going strong?
Yeah, it's great.
Amazing, fantastic, awesome.
Ooh, that's one too many.
What's going on?
Well, now that I'm home,
I'm finding myself getting annoyed
at things that I loved on vacation.
Here, taste.
Experience your food.
Oh. So good.
Here, taste.
Experience your food.
Ooh, sofa,
ooh, sofa. Sofa, sofa, oh.
Ooh.
We're alone now.
I must have you.
Ooh.
I must have you.
Laptop, laptop, laptop!
And you know what else?
I'm still finding sand everywhere.
I mean, we haven't been
to the beach since Argentina.
Where is all coming from?
maybe you are going back to the person
you were before the trip.
But I don't want to.
I was so happy down there.
No, you know what?
I'm done complaining.
I'm evolving.
Just gonna go with the flow.
Wow.
Gael, you're peeing while I'm in the shower.
Okay.
Okay, old Robin would have been
like, dude, ocupado.
But now, you know what,
I'm cool with it.
Pee it up.
In fact,
when you're done, why don't you
come in here and join me?
Don't mind if I do, love.
Gael, there's some weird du...
Hello.
Hey!
Good news!
I made some new traveling friends today,
and they will staying with us
how do you say
indefinitely!
Will you sign this thank you note?
Wow.
Both sides.
You wrote on both sides of a
thank you note to my third cousin
for a blender that you haven't
even taken out of the box.
Wow, that's...
It's a really nice blender.
Well, if you love
that blender so much,
why don't you just marry it.
I can't.
I married you.
That's how we got the blender.
What's wrong?
Nothing.
Nothing's wrong.
What could be wrong?
Except that when you die
I'm gonna find out
that your parting words
to comfort me for all eternity
were "Cancel Vogue."
How can you open my letter?
That was not a letter.
It was barely even a text message.
Next time you write something
that short, at least have
the courtesy to make it rhyme.
Marshall, wait.
This was our first fight as a married couple.
Oh, baby.
Oh...
Oh.
This is our favorite restaurant in the city.
Yes, I'm sure this is the best
of their 57 "spudtacular"
east coast locations.
- I'm going to run to the restroom.
- I'm gonna go, too.
This is the easiest date ever.
You know what I'm gonna try next?
A knock, knock joke.
Easiest?
Somehow we have managed
to find the two lamest
New Yorkers of all time.
Ted, Ted, Ted.
Dude, I am looking at you.
What?
Right.
Stay with me.
We are on the cusp of moving
from out-of-towners to in-their-pantsers.
Ay-o.
All right, Ignatius, one more hour.
Nice.
Nice. Hey, nice.
Hey...
Hey, our friends invited us to a party.
You guys want to come along?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Yes, we do.
Quick announcement.
I am so glad that you're here,
fellow travelers.
A couple rules...
not even rules.
Let's call them guidelines
for harmonious living.
Guideline for harmonious living
number one...
the kitchen sink is for dishes,
the toilet is for pee-pee.
G.F.H.L.
number two...
marijuana is illegal in the United States,
even when baked into a blueberry muffin
that someone might mistakenly
eat for breakfast
right before they leave for
their job as a TV newscaster.
"This just in: look at my hand,
how weird is my hand?"
is not an appropriate thing to say on the air.
and Number 3
and number 3 is please
keep the noise to a minimum
I have to take a nap.
I'm still pretty baked.
Everything's so bright,
even at night.
No wonder the city never sleeps.
Hey, if we're going north,
why did we cross over the FDR?
We should have taken the Hudson.
Now he knows all the streets.
Someone's been watching
too many Steinfeld reruns.
Where are we even going anyway?
148th and Brook Avenue.
A hundred... in the South Bronx
at this time of night?
We're going to get killed.
Ted, I think these local New Yorkers
know more about the city
than we do, so relax.
We're in very capable hands.
There were three of them,
at least two guns...
they took all our money.
Well, I only had traveler's checks.
Hey, babe.
I've been thinking about our fight.
Yes?
I'm really, really...
surprised that you haven't
apologized to me yet.
Wow, you really want to open this up again.
Oh, I forgot,
you open everything up,
even if you're not supposed to
until I'm dead.
You know that this is important to me.
Why won't you just write the letter?
Because I can't bear the
thought of not being with you,
not even for long enough
to write you a stupid letter.
Really?
Yes, really.
Plus, I know as soon as I write it,
you're just going to open
it up and read it again.
Lily, I won't,
I promise.
Okay.
I'll write you a letter for my death folder.
Do you mind, um,
maybe slipping
in a little bit of dirty stuff, too?
I tell you what.
How about I make it all dirty stuff
and slip in a little clean stuff?
You're the best.
And maybe a couple of Polaroids?
Come on,
let's get out of here.
This night's a disaster.
What?!
This night couldn't have gone any better.
We just survived a mugging.
You know what that means.
"Thank God we're alive" sex.
"Thank God we're alive" sex.
It's even better
than "I can't believe you
just proposed to me" sex,
Ted, please, we are so close.
I've never worked this hard
for anything in my life.
Whew!
Wow, I think we all need to go
back to our place and recover.
Yeah.
I just want to celebrate the fact
that we survived.
You know?
Mm-hmm.
Me, too.
So where do you live?
What, West Village?
Close.
West Orange.
- West Orange, New Jersey?
- Yeah.
You guys live in New Jersey,
not New York?
Theodore.
Yep.
New Jersey?
Teddy. Yeah, but don't worry,
it's pretty much New York.
Oh.
No.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
New Jersey is not "pretty much new york."
You are not "pretty much new yorkers."
And how would you know?
Because I live here.
That's right,
I live here.
Yes, we're full of crap.
Yes, we pretended to be from out of town
so we could sleep with you
and leave in the morning.
But you know what's even worse than that?
Saying you're a New Yorker
when you're not.
Because this is the
greatest city in the world
and you have to earn the right
to call yourself a New Yorker.
So why don't you girls crawl into the open
sewer pipe you call the Holland Tunnel
and flush yourselves back
to "pretty much New York"?
Because I will do a lot to get laid,
but I am not going to New Jersey!
You're not from Missouri?
Well, I will be a monkey's unc...
Ew.
Right.
Can we get a ride?
Hey, um, sir,
can we get a ride, too?
Newark, born and raised.
Can you please keep it down?
What happened to you, man?
You said you wouldn't
change, but look at you.
No more tan,
no more beaded braids,
no more lush,
untamed forest of leg and armpit hair.
You're back at work.
What gives?
Well, I have to have a job.
"I have to have a job."
God, that's so American.
I'm Canadian.
You know that.
What about the important things
like making your own jewelry
and lying on the beach
and thinking about peace?
God, don't you care about
thinking about peace?
Wow.
I just realized something.
That you've lost your way.
No, that you really suck.
You're boring and lame
and you're getting sand everywhere.
Seriously, where is
all the sand coming from?
You're not the real me.
All you are is me on vacation
trying to get away from a break-up.
Don't you remember Argentina?
Don't you want to go back?
What are you doing?
Shh...
Let this happen.
All right, everyone out.
I said everyone out!
All right, we're leaving,
we're leaving, okay.
Michael Moore was so right
about Americans.
I'm Canadian!
Robin, you okay?
No, I'm not.
Listen, Gael, I need to talk to you
about something.
After they broke up,
Robin went back to being Robin.
Welcome home, Scherbatsky.
Oh, good to be back.
Although it's weird.
Vacation Robin popped into
my dream again last night.
Listening.
This time we went all the way.
Tell you one thing.
She made me sandy
but that's what I like
Okay, I'm done.
But I really don't want you
reading this unless...
you know, something happens.
Can you swear to me you won't open it?
Totally. What does it say?
Marshall, I'm serious.
Okay.
I promise I won't, I won't
open that until you're dead.
Okay.
And through 22 wonderful years
of marriage,
Marshall kept his promise
until November 1 of last year when, sadly...
"Busted! I knew you'd read this.
You suck, Marshall,
you totally suck."
That's it?
I suck?
Lily.
Yes, you suck.
You said you wouldn't read it
and you did.
Well, you didn't keep your promise either.
I don't see any dirty pictures in here.
Oh, fine,
I'll take the dirty pictures.
I don't want 'em now.
What is that supposed to mean?
What?!
Nothing.
nothing.
You're beautiful.
I would love the photos. Have I
told you how beautiful you look?
It's the same. Mostly.
Except I think I might
be getting carpal tunnel.
My hand keeps cramping up.
I thought the whole point
of getting married was
that you didn't have to do that anymore.
No, it's from writing all the thank you notes.
Mostly.
Yeah.
You're writing constantly.
There's forms we
have to sign, our death folders,
thank you notes.
Whoa, whoa.
What are death folders?
It's this thing they recommend you do
in case one spouse dies unexpectedly.
It's all the information
your spouse might need
all in one convenient location
Yeah.
Account info,
important addresses,
a letter to the other person.
All that stuff.
I'll get the next round.
I am such a jerk.
Yeah.
Wait, why?
I didn't know that I was
supposed to write a letter.
All Lily's gonna find
in that folder are a bunch
of bank statements
and a funny list of things to do
with my ashes.
- Marshall brownies. Number six.
- Yeah.
Oh, God, I am a bad husband.
No, uh, no, I'll just write,
I'll write Lily a letter
tonight, everything'll be fine.
That's right.
Unless...
- you die between now and then.
- Ooh.
- But... come on, that's never gonna happen.
- Yes!
If there's one thing we can
state with absolute certainty
it's that Marshall Eriksen
is not going to die
before writing that letter.
No way at all.
In fact, I dare God to smite down
this perfectly healthy...
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
I get it.
Okay, you guys know
I'm a little superstitious,
and you guys are trying to freak me out.
Well, guess what?
It didn't work.
So, there.
You guys are jerks!
Kids, after Robin and I broke up,
she needed some time away.
Away from her normal home,
her normal life,
and it turns out,
her normal self.
I was just so uptight
in New York, you know?
I mean down here everybody
shares everything.
It's like we're all one big
shimmering ball of positive energy.
I wonder if anyone's ever
thought that before.
Here. Eat.
If we run out of fish, I will
catch more with my hands.
A drum circle!
They're different every time.
Let's go watch!
And here I am at the drum circle.
Whoa, are you topless?
Ted, check this out.
Seen 'em.
Wow, it seems like a great trip.
Oh, it was.
I feel like the Robin who left
is not the same Robin
who came back, you know.
Wow, there's a lot of nude people in here.
You haven't changed,
Scherbatsky.
You're a sophisticated,
scotch-swilling,
cigar-smoking,
red-meat-eating,
gun-toting New Yorker.
Just shoes and a shirt.
That's a look.
What you are not is a massage-giving,
windsurfing, bongo-playing,
teetotaling, vegan,
peacenik, hippy
like you soon to be ex-boyfriend, Gael.
Back me up here, Ted.
I'm just happy Robin's happy.
- Thank you.
- Man, this is like a
"Where's Waldo" of exposed genitalia.
Except that it's really easy to find Waldo.
I'm evolved...
and I'm enjoying living my life
a little bit closer to the way Gael
- and I did in Argentina.
- Please.
Vacation romances have an expiration date.
Gael's got a "best if
banged by" sticker on him.
Once your romance starts to stink,
you'll dump his ass down the drain
like sour milk and go back to being
"Unevolved Robin," the one we actually like.
Back me up here, Ted.
I'm just happy Robin's happy.
I'm telling you,
within three days...
Ooh, here he comes.
Switched to big words.
Within a triad of solar periods,
you'll recognize your dearth
of compatibility with your paramour
and conclude your association.
My journey was transformative.
And I reassert my commitment to both
the aforementioned paramour
and the philosophies he espouses.
What are we talking of?
othell?
This is all gonna return to
masticate you in the gluteals.
Support my hypothesis, Ted.
I'm just jubilant my former
paramour's jubilant.
To write the letter
he hoped Lily would never have to read.
"My dearest,
sweetest, Lily pad.
"Let this letter be a small beacon,
"a tiny firefly to help light your way
"through the years ahead.
"My love for you persists
"higher than the Himalayas.
Deeper than a Scottish loch."
"If I died under suspicious
circumstances,"then beware.
"Trust no oneNot even Ted."
"Especially not Ted."
"Know that I'll always
be there in your heart"whenever you need me,
"and that my love for you will never die.
"Love...
your marshmallow."
"M.
"ATM pin code: 5-4-5-9.
"Teacher's pension account: A-3-9-3-2.
"Cancel Vogue.
L."
My windsurfing board...
it had floated away.
And the shark...
he was getting closer.
They say to escape
you punch a shark in the nose.
But I said, "Brother shark,
we are both children from the same
Earth mother."
And that's all I remember until the hospital.
That guy.
Yeah.
That guy.
Look at how easy he has it.
You and me, we have
to bend over backwards
to get a woman to, well,
bend over backwards.
But that guy...
Every woman in the bar is hanging
on his every slightly mispronounced word.
And why?
He's better looking than us.
No.
Because he's from out of town.
Mmm.
With and accent and an innocent smile,
you don't even have to try.
Yeah.
Plus automatic out, you're leaving in
a couple of days.
God, I wish we were tourists.
Yeah.
Actually...
You know where I've been
meaning to visit?
Okay, okay, we're from a small
town in the south of France.
Our plane leaves Sunday morning.
Uh, hey, uh, howdy, ladies.
Hate to bother you.
We seem to be a little bit lost.
Would you happen to know which street
the Statue of Liberty's on?
Actually,
it's on its own island.
Oh!
Oh, it's right...
Ah.
Thank you very...
Uh, my name is, uh,
Ignatius Peabody Nobel.
From East Westerton,
Missouri.
And this is my friend, Ted.
Hi, um, I'm Colleen.
Hi, Colleen.
This is Lindsay.
Hi, Lindsay.
So, hey,:you-you-you ladies,
been awful nice to us.
What do you say...
Ah, never mind.
No...
No, what is it?
Well...
it's just we're leaving Sunday morning.
It sure would be nice to have some
real New Yorkers show us around.
Yeah.
Well, we're busy tonight, but...
maybe tomorrow afternoon?
After lunch?
Well, hotdog!
Should we...
you want to just meet here
in front of Mac...
MacLaren's Pub?
It's kind of a lame bar, but sure.
Really? It doesn't seem that lame to me.
It's pretty lame.
I think it's cool.
We'll see you tomorrow.
I'm just saying it seems like a kind of bar
a lot of cool people would hang out at.
Okay, all right.
So, Gael, huh?
Mmm.
Still going strong?
Yeah, it's great.
Amazing, fantastic, awesome.
Ooh, that's one too many.
What's going on?
Well, now that I'm home,
I'm finding myself getting annoyed
at things that I loved on vacation.
Here, taste.
Experience your food.
Oh. So good.
Here, taste.
Experience your food.
Ooh, sofa,
ooh, sofa. Sofa, sofa, oh.
Ooh.
We're alone now.
I must have you.
Ooh.
I must have you.
Laptop, laptop, laptop!
And you know what else?
I'm still finding sand everywhere.
I mean, we haven't been
to the beach since Argentina.
Where is all coming from?
maybe you are going back to the person
you were before the trip.
But I don't want to.
I was so happy down there.
No, you know what?
I'm done complaining.
I'm evolving.
Just gonna go with the flow.
Wow.
Gael, you're peeing while I'm in the shower.
Okay.
Okay, old Robin would have been
like, dude, ocupado.
But now, you know what,
I'm cool with it.
Pee it up.
In fact,
when you're done, why don't you
come in here and join me?
Don't mind if I do, love.
Gael, there's some weird du...
Hello.
Hey!
Good news!
I made some new traveling friends today,
and they will staying with us
how do you say
indefinitely!
Will you sign this thank you note?
Wow.
Both sides.
You wrote on both sides of a
thank you note to my third cousin
for a blender that you haven't
even taken out of the box.
Wow, that's...
It's a really nice blender.
Well, if you love
that blender so much,
why don't you just marry it.
I can't.
I married you.
That's how we got the blender.
What's wrong?
Nothing.
Nothing's wrong.
What could be wrong?
Except that when you die
I'm gonna find out
that your parting words
to comfort me for all eternity
were "Cancel Vogue."
How can you open my letter?
That was not a letter.
It was barely even a text message.
Next time you write something
that short, at least have
the courtesy to make it rhyme.
Marshall, wait.
This was our first fight as a married couple.
Oh, baby.
Oh...
Oh.
This is our favorite restaurant in the city.
Yes, I'm sure this is the best
of their 57 "spudtacular"
east coast locations.
- I'm going to run to the restroom.
- I'm gonna go, too.
This is the easiest date ever.
You know what I'm gonna try next?
A knock, knock joke.
Easiest?
Somehow we have managed
to find the two lamest
New Yorkers of all time.
Ted, Ted, Ted.
Dude, I am looking at you.
What?
Right.
Stay with me.
We are on the cusp of moving
from out-of-towners to in-their-pantsers.
Ay-o.
All right, Ignatius, one more hour.
Nice.
Nice. Hey, nice.
Hey...
Hey, our friends invited us to a party.
You guys want to come along?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Yes, we do.
Quick announcement.
I am so glad that you're here,
fellow travelers.
A couple rules...
not even rules.
Let's call them guidelines
for harmonious living.
Guideline for harmonious living
number one...
the kitchen sink is for dishes,
the toilet is for pee-pee.
G.F.H.L.
number two...
marijuana is illegal in the United States,
even when baked into a blueberry muffin
that someone might mistakenly
eat for breakfast
right before they leave for
their job as a TV newscaster.
"This just in: look at my hand,
how weird is my hand?"
is not an appropriate thing to say on the air.
and Number 3
and number 3 is please
keep the noise to a minimum
I have to take a nap.
I'm still pretty baked.
Everything's so bright,
even at night.
No wonder the city never sleeps.
Hey, if we're going north,
why did we cross over the FDR?
We should have taken the Hudson.
Now he knows all the streets.
Someone's been watching
too many Steinfeld reruns.
Where are we even going anyway?
148th and Brook Avenue.
A hundred... in the South Bronx
at this time of night?
We're going to get killed.
Ted, I think these local New Yorkers
know more about the city
than we do, so relax.
We're in very capable hands.
There were three of them,
at least two guns...
they took all our money.
Well, I only had traveler's checks.
Hey, babe.
I've been thinking about our fight.
Yes?
I'm really, really...
surprised that you haven't
apologized to me yet.
Wow, you really want to open this up again.
Oh, I forgot,
you open everything up,
even if you're not supposed to
until I'm dead.
You know that this is important to me.
Why won't you just write the letter?
Because I can't bear the
thought of not being with you,
not even for long enough
to write you a stupid letter.
Really?
Yes, really.
Plus, I know as soon as I write it,
you're just going to open
it up and read it again.
Lily, I won't,
I promise.
Okay.
I'll write you a letter for my death folder.
Do you mind, um,
maybe slipping
in a little bit of dirty stuff, too?
I tell you what.
How about I make it all dirty stuff
and slip in a little clean stuff?
You're the best.
And maybe a couple of Polaroids?
Come on,
let's get out of here.
This night's a disaster.
What?!
This night couldn't have gone any better.
We just survived a mugging.
You know what that means.
"Thank God we're alive" sex.
"Thank God we're alive" sex.
It's even better
than "I can't believe you
just proposed to me" sex,
Ted, please, we are so close.
I've never worked this hard
for anything in my life.
Whew!
Wow, I think we all need to go
back to our place and recover.
Yeah.
I just want to celebrate the fact
that we survived.
You know?
Mm-hmm.
Me, too.
So where do you live?
What, West Village?
Close.
West Orange.
- West Orange, New Jersey?
- Yeah.
You guys live in New Jersey,
not New York?
Theodore.
Yep.
New Jersey?
Teddy. Yeah, but don't worry,
it's pretty much New York.
Oh.
No.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
New Jersey is not "pretty much new york."
You are not "pretty much new yorkers."
And how would you know?
Because I live here.
That's right,
I live here.
Yes, we're full of crap.
Yes, we pretended to be from out of town
so we could sleep with you
and leave in the morning.
But you know what's even worse than that?
Saying you're a New Yorker
when you're not.
Because this is the
greatest city in the world
and you have to earn the right
to call yourself a New Yorker.
So why don't you girls crawl into the open
sewer pipe you call the Holland Tunnel
and flush yourselves back
to "pretty much New York"?
Because I will do a lot to get laid,
but I am not going to New Jersey!
You're not from Missouri?
Well, I will be a monkey's unc...
Ew.
Right.
Can we get a ride?
Hey, um, sir,
can we get a ride, too?
Newark, born and raised.
Can you please keep it down?
What happened to you, man?
You said you wouldn't
change, but look at you.
No more tan,
no more beaded braids,
no more lush,
untamed forest of leg and armpit hair.
You're back at work.
What gives?
Well, I have to have a job.
"I have to have a job."
God, that's so American.
I'm Canadian.
You know that.
What about the important things
like making your own jewelry
and lying on the beach
and thinking about peace?
God, don't you care about
thinking about peace?
Wow.
I just realized something.
That you've lost your way.
No, that you really suck.
You're boring and lame
and you're getting sand everywhere.
Seriously, where is
all the sand coming from?
You're not the real me.
All you are is me on vacation
trying to get away from a break-up.
Don't you remember Argentina?
Don't you want to go back?
What are you doing?
Shh...
Let this happen.
All right, everyone out.
I said everyone out!
All right, we're leaving,
we're leaving, okay.
Michael Moore was so right
about Americans.
I'm Canadian!
Robin, you okay?
No, I'm not.
Listen, Gael, I need to talk to you
about something.
After they broke up,
Robin went back to being Robin.
Welcome home, Scherbatsky.
Oh, good to be back.
Although it's weird.
Vacation Robin popped into
my dream again last night.
Listening.
This time we went all the way.
Tell you one thing.
She made me sandy
but that's what I like
Okay, I'm done.
But I really don't want you
reading this unless...
you know, something happens.
Can you swear to me you won't open it?
Totally. What does it say?
Marshall, I'm serious.
Okay.
I promise I won't, I won't
open that until you're dead.
Okay.
And through 22 wonderful years
of marriage,
Marshall kept his promise
until November 1 of last year when, sadly...
"Busted! I knew you'd read this.
You suck, Marshall,
you totally suck."
That's it?
I suck?
Lily.
Yes, you suck.
You said you wouldn't read it
and you did.
Well, you didn't keep your promise either.
I don't see any dirty pictures in here.
Oh, fine,
I'll take the dirty pictures.
I don't want 'em now.
What is that supposed to mean?
What?!
Nothing.
nothing.
You're beautiful.
I would love the photos. Have I
told you how beautiful you look?