How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 2, Episode 20 - Showdown - full transcript

Barney becomes a contestant on "The Price Is Right" so that he can confront Bob Barker, because he believes that the game show host is his biological father.

Ted: In the weeks leading up to aunt
lily and uncle marshall's wedding,

Some weird stuff
started happening.

Why does my stomach hurt?

I'm sorry, baby. I ate a bunch
of ice cream earlier today.

Oh, baby, you know
we're lactose-intolerant.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.

Are you suggesting that

When one of you feels something,
the other feels it, too?

Barney:
Oh, god,

You guys are so codependent.

No, we're not.

Oh, really?

What about the other day?

Oh, I need to get some eggs.

Oh, I'll come with you.

Just because we like
spending time together

Doesn't mean we're codependent.

Really?

Then whatever happened
to your plan of spending

The last two weeks before
your wedding sleeping apart?

Okay, we decided

Not to do that because of...

Logistics.

Wedding logistics.

Frickin' logistics, man.

They mess everything up.

You didn't do it
because you couldn't do it.

Sure we could.

Then why don't you?

You can stay with me.

It would make our wedding
night more special.

Okay, let's do it.

Done.

I'm gonna go grab a beer.

I'll come with you.

No. I'll stay.

Okay, I know. You know
what? I got to go.

Good-bye.

My mom's driving me cra...

God, you guys are

Covered in sauce.

We'll get to that.
Me first.

My mom is driving me crazy
about the wedding music.

The woman takes

One cruise to jamaica,

And suddenly, it's "not a party
without steel drums."

Doesn't everybody know you're
not supposed to stress out

A bride right
before her wedding?!

Okay, sauce, go.

Long story.

I'll tell you later.
Yeah.

It's a dirty story, isn't it?

You guys went out to dinner,

Did it in the kitchen
and got caught.

Scherbatsky reeks of someone
who likes to get caught.

Okay, now I have to wash up
for two reasons.

Oh, you didn't.
Uh-huh.

That's right.

So you and lily really think
you can spend two weeks apart?

You know what, barney?

Lily and I are a lot less cheesy
than you make us out to be.

Marshmallow, don't forget
to pack my night-night tape.

Oh!

Night-night tape?

Did you make a tape

Of you saying
"night-night" to her?

No.

He doesn't say it. He sings it.

Oh, that is so sweet.

Why don't you kiss?

I love it
when two chicks make out.

Damn it.

Nobody's bought us anything
cool yet off our registry.

What's on there?

Ooh, lots of stuff.

Kitchen aide artisan series
tilt-head stand mixer...

Retail price:

$319.99. What else?

Um, the dyson dc17
animal vacuum.

Ah, $549.99.

A little greedy,
don't you think?

Did you memorize our registry?

No, I'm training.

Training? For what?

I'm glad you asked.

Ted, robin, get in here!

You guys know how

It's hard to be friends with me
'cause I'm so awesome?

Yes, it's hard to be
friends with you.

Go on.

Well, this isn't going
to make it any easier.

I am going to be on...

The price is right.

No way!
What?!

Yes, in a couple days,

Rich fields is going
to call out my name,

And I will come on down.

(sighs):
Oh...

Whoa, that is so awesome.

Barney, I didn't know you were

Such a fan of
the price is right.

Are you kidding?

T.P.I.R. Is not just

An indescribably entertaining
hour of television,

It's a microcosm

Of our entire economic system...

A capitalist utopia,
where consumers are rewarded

For their persistence,
market acumen

And intrepid spirit.

I gaze upon the glory
of the price is right,

And I see the face of america.

And it is divine.

Plus, you know,
hot chicks on sports cars.

Ted:
Then lily headed out to robin's

For her first night
away from marshall.

Lily:
I'm ready!

(humming "wedding March")

Wow, lily, you look
so beautiful.

I know! I'm beautiful!

(squeals)

I'm a fairy princess!

I'm too skinny for my dress!

Ted: Meanwhile, I was testing out
my best man toast on marshall.

Here goes.

(clears throat)

Hello, everyone, I'm ted
mosby, marshall's best man.

Strong opening, right?
That's fantastic.

When marshall graduates
this spring, he'll be a lawyer.

But did you know that marshall
has a criminal record?

That's right, on a road trip
up to cape cod,

Marshall was pulled over
for driving by himself

In a car pool lane.

(short siren blast)

Oh, crap.

Oh, crap.

Marshall:
Are you crazy?

You cannot tell that story
at my wedding.

My entire family's

Gonna be there.

My little cousins,
my mom, my grandma,

My grandpa the minister.

That grandpa died
three years ago.

His favorite grandson
is getting married, ted.

I think he can take a day off

From haunting the barn
to make an appearance.

Whoo!

Whoo-whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo-hoo-whoo!

Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah!

So which one, "a" or "b"?

What was that?

I have to decide

How to run to contestant's row

When they say,
"barney stinson, come on down!"

Oh, oh, I didn't realize
that's what it was.

Can you do them again?

Yeah, of course.

(loud thump)

Barney:
Ow!

Hey!

Very funny.

(banging)

Just for that,
when I win all the prizes.

The only thing
you guys are getting

Is rice-a-roni and turtle wax.

It's $300 just to take
the bust in?

Oh, please, you have to have
some sympathy for me.

I'm getting married
next Saturday,

And I'm too skinny for my dress.

I lost all this weight
without even trying.

Hello? Hello?

What happened?

She called me a bitch
and hung up.

Oh, I don't know what to do.

I guess I'll just
have to pay the $300.

Pay the $300?

Lily, are you crazy?

This isn't a problem.

It's a license to eat.

Look, what have you always

Wanted to eat but didn't

Because it was
too ridiculously decadent?

Ooh, a valrhona
chocolate soufflé

With a raspberry brandy sauce,

Topped with caramelized bananas
and hazelnut gelato.

I have cool whip
and half a bag of fritos.

Done!

Okay, think you're gonna be
happy with my new toast.

There's nothing sexual.

It's, uh, it's just the story

Of an important moment
in your relationship.

Hello, everyone, I'm ted mosby,
marshall's best man.

Nice.

Right?
That's great.

Back when we were all freshman
and marshall and lily

Were just a few short weeks
into their relationship...

It was 4:00 in the morning,

And I'm not gonna lie,
we were a wee bit wasted.

(both laughing)

So I'd gone out to get us some
snacks, and when I got back...

I... Love you.

I love you, too.

I know it's soon

To say it,

But I'm so glad you did.

Oh.

Lily:
Mm...

Yeah.

So here's what you
want to talk about

In front of my entire family:

Drinking, having a girl
in my room, eating junk food.

Dude, you're almost 30.

Your mom would be mad at you
for eating junk food?

Yeah, ted, 'cause nutrition's
not important.

Also, lily's never
heard that story before.

How's she going to react
when she finds out

The first time I said
"I love you" to her,

I was actually saying it to you
and a bag of funyuns?

But who cares?
You did love her.

And you still do.

And you're totally over funyuns,
so it's not weird.

Hey, lil.

Hey.

Hey?

(chuckles):
That's it?

What are you talking about?

Well, you guys
have been spending

I figured there'd be
a lot of giggling, crying,

Jumping up and down, and then
whatever lily would do.

About the bar menu at
mcclaren's is that there were

No fewer than 11 different
deep-fried appetizers.

That night,

Aunt lily ordered all of them.

Barney:
Check it out.

Okay, imagine...
Imagine, if you will,

That this is the $1 space

On the price is right wheel.

Ready?

(imitating beeping)

(beeping slows down)

(beeping stops)

Oh, wow, that was pretty close.

Close? Close?!

It's called the price is right,
not the price is close!

Oh, man, this is bad.

If I don't win

The spin-off, and I can't get

Into the showcase showdown;
everything's ruined!

It's all ruined!

What is ruined?

Why, why is this
such a big deal?

Okay, guys...

Sit down. I've got
to tell you something.

The reason I'm going
on the price is right

Is because I've decided

That it's time for me
to meet my real father.

Your father?

That's right.

My father...

Is bob barker.

("The price is right theme"
playing)

Your dad...

Is bob barker?

That's right.

The host of the price is right,
bob barker?

That's pops.

Barney?

Yes, robin?

Why in the world do you think

Bob barker is your father?

Uh, because my mother
told me he was,

That's why.

Mom, who's my dad?

All the other kids at school
know who their dad is.

Who's mine?

Oh, I don't know.

That guy.

Look, dad, I got straight a's!

Hey, dad,

Guess who I'm going as
for Halloween?

Want to play some catch, pop?

So now I'm gonna go to l.A.,
be on the show,

Win the showcase showdown,

(voice cracking):
Make him proud of me,

And then tell him who I am.

You're gonna tell bob barker

That you're his son
on national television?

Why is this so hard
for you people to believe?

Drop the popper!

Lily has to gain

Five pounds in a
week and a half,

And it is my job to
help her get there.

This is the best
wedding diet ever.

I lost a pound.

That is impossible.

You ate mcdonald's every meal
for three days.

I knew that super size me guy
was full of it.

Well, it must be
the wedding stress.

We just got to up the intake.

Lily aldrin, drop and give me
20 bites of fudge!

Okay.

Okay?

Don't nibble at it. Attack it!

Come on, lily.

You can do better than that!

I can't.

Well, eat faster,

Before your body
figures out it's full.

(sobbing):
I'm trying.

Oh, are you gonna cry?

You gonna cry?

Skinny little baby's gonna cry?

(muffled sobbing)
well, eat, damn it, eat!

(muffled):
Okay!

(sobbing)

Hey, so I think I figured out

How to do your toast

In a completely appropriate way.
Finally.

Huh.
Yeah.

(clearing throat)

Good evening. I'm ted mosby,
marshall's best man.

Still strong, right?
Great, yeah.

I'd like to share
with you all a story

About the momentous evening
last fall

When marshall and lily
got back together.

Afterward, we stayed up
till 10:00 at night,

Doing shots of chocolate milk.

Man, I'm well nourished
right now!

Calcium promotes healthy teeth
and bones.

Thanks, marshall,

For teaching us
you don't need alcohol

To have fun.

Oh, don't thank me.

Thank my parents for
teaching me good values.

Aww.

Now, I wasn't supposed
to hear this next part,

But marshall leaned over
to lily and whispered.

You know what I'd like
to do to you right now?

I'd like to hold your hand.

I'd like to hold
your hand so hard

That you're not able to
shake hands for a week.

Oh.

Are you just going to talk
about holding my hand

Or are you going to hold it?

Then a little later,
robin caught them...

Oh, um...

Holding hands.

It was a lovely
and responsible night.

To marshall and lily.

That's the worst toast
I've ever heard, dude.

It's totally boring.

Exactly.

It's impossible
to write a good toast

With you censoring me, man.

I give up.

I'm just going
to read that thing

About Jesus and the footprints.

I give up, too.

I don't care
if my dress doesn't fit.

I can't eat anymore.

I-I feel like my stomach's
going to explode.

I know.

And so, lily and I were both
about to give up,

But as you can all see,

Lily does look beautiful
in that dress,

And here I am

Giving a toast.

You know, all this time,

I'd been racking my brain,

Trying to pick out
the perfect moment

To capture lily and marshall
as a couple.

But then I realized

The perfect moment wasn't
some needle lost in the haystack

Of their ten years together.

The perfect

Lily and marshall moment
happened two nights ago.

Marshall, what are you doing?

Going to the bathroom.

In the hall?

Sleepwalking?

You're wide awake.

Robbing us?

Dude.

Turns out,

All week long,

He'd been sneaking out
to a hotel on 72nd,

To meet lily.

God, I missed you.

I can't sleep without you. Mm.

Hey, baby?

Would you be the big spoon
for a while?

Sure, baby.

How's the weight gaining going?

Ugh, terribly.

I'm too stressed out
without you around.

Mm.

Well, I'm here now.

Mmm.
Mmm!

In their experiment
with apartness,

But they succeeded in getting
lily into her dress.

You know, there really are

A million things I could tell
you about lily and marshall,

But really, the only thing
you need to know is

That ten years
into their relationship,

They still couldn't spend
a single night apart.

May they never have to again.

To lily and marshall.

All:
To lily and marshall.

Now, kids, the story

Of aunt lily and uncle
marshall's wedding

Is a good one.

No matter how perfectly
you plan your...

You know what,
wait a second, guys.

I'm going to get to that.

First, I gotta tell you
what happened with barney.

Rich, what is the name
of our next participant?

Rich:
Bob, it's barney stinson!

Come on down!

You're the next contestant
on the price is right.

No!
Oh, my god!

Bob barker:
Working his way out.

High-five here,
high-five there.

A big old hug here.

Oh, my god!
Yeah, I know,

The camera loves me.

Welcome to contestant's
row, barney.

Nice suit.

Thanks, da... Bob.

Here is the next item up

For bid!

Rich: Bob, the stylish
his and her watches

Feature an 18-carat gold bezel
and crown

And stainless steel bands.

Bob: And barney, what
do you bid on that?

Um...

(audience shouting)

Wrong.

Wrong.

Wrong.

Wrong.

Retail price is $1,349.99,

So, since you round off,
I'll say $1,350, bob.

$1,350 for barney.

So, was it $1,350?

I don't know.

Was it?

Oh, my god!

Happy wedding.

(gasps) (barney chuckling)

Barney, you won that camcorder

In just one second!

That is impressive.

I mean impressive.

Thank you, bob.
Now,

To win the computer,

You're going to
have to bid again.

And again I will say
higher or lower.

And let's show the
audience the price

Of the computer, and audience,

Please, do not try to help us.

And the clock will start
with your first bid.

$1 billion.

Lower.
So, I brought some photos

That I thought
you might like to see.

This is me on my first birthday.

Yes, barney.
This is...

What are you doing?

Uh, spending some quality time
with my dad.

That's very nice, but look,
the clock is moving.

You have only about 16 seconds.

Right.
Keep bidding.

No, no, I want you to see this.
This is great. Keep bidding.

This is me at my graduation.

I know, the hair. That,
no, that's nice.

That's nice.
You have only

Five, four, three, two, one...
Right, oh, look.

$999.

(bell ringing) nine...

Barney, you got it
exactly right!

Happy wedding again! Oh, my...

Oh, my god!
(laughing)

I have to be honest, bob.

The big wheel is the only
weak part of my game.

I'm sure you'll do
just fine, son.

Did you just...

I'm ready, bob.

Do it! Do it!

Here we go!

He's looking for the dollar.

It's going 'round, and 'round...

Oh, no, you spun it too hard.

No, he didn't spin it
hard enough.

Here it comes, barney.

It's coming on down.
(all imitating beeping)

You've got it!

You won...
(screaming)

(screaming)

Beautiful.
But barney...

Barney, you're not through.

You're not through.
(screaming)

You've won $1,000.

You've won a place
in the showcase.

You are doing splendidly so far.

Thank you. Would you, would
you say you're proud of me?

Sure.

That was kind of a weird moment.

Very well, barney,

You have seen
the first showcase.

Do you want to bid on it,

Or do you want to
pass it to millie?

Please, no car
and an above-ground spa?

Pass.

Bob: Millie, he has passed
this showcase to you.

What do you bid on it?
Uh...

$17,640.

Bob:
$17,640.

Barney (under breath):
Overbid!

Now, let's see showcase ♪2.

Rich: Barney, your showcase
begins with a mystery.

Oh, I love this.

I can't believe how excited
I am right now.

Shh! Shh! Shh!

Barney, you have seen
your showcase.

What do you bid on it?

(audience shouting)

Please, please.

Please.

Let me.

(audience shouting)

1-8-4-2-1.

I don't even know
what we're going to do

With a dune buggy,
but I want it!

Yeah. Please.

And the actual retail price

Of your showcase is...

$14,628.

Bob:
$14,628.

(buzzer buzzing)
millie, you are over.

Too bad.

Barney, you bid $18,421
on your showcase.

And the actual retail price

Of barney's showcase is...

$18,421, exactly right!

You win both showcases, barney.

Oh, my god!
Oh, my god.

(screaming)

(cheering)

(bell ringing) bob
barker, reminding you,

Help control the pet...

Bob, bob, excuse me. Yeah.

Before, before you
wrap up the show,

There's just something I
want to say to you. Yes?

Congratulations

On 35 wonderful years
hosting the price is right.

Well, thank you, barney.

Thank you ver... Have your
pets spayed or neutered.

(voice cracking):
Good-bye, everybody.

Why didn't you tell him?

Well, it's just...

If you lived your whole life
thinking one thing,

It would be pretty devastating
to find out that wasn't true.

I just don't think
bob could have handled it.

Bob.
Yeah.

Probably a good choice.

Yeah, he's really sensitive.

Anyway, on the bright side.

(gasps) happy wedding again!

And that's the story

Of how uncle barney gave
marshall and lily a dune buggy

For their wedding.

Hey, lily.

Um, I thought since we're going
to be apart for two whole weeks,

I would sing you
your night-night song.

Mm.

♪ Night-night, lily

♪ night-night,
lily ♪

♪ It's time to go to bed,
oh, my silly, little lily ♪

♪ Time to rest
your little head ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-la-la

♪ sha-la-la-la-la.

Come on, ted.

Ted:
No, it's weird.

You promised.

(sighing)

♪ sha-la-la-la-la
♪ sha-la-la-la-la

♪ sha-la-la-la-la
♪ sha-la-la-la-la

♪ sha-la-la-la-la.
♪ Sha-la-la-la-la.