How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 2, Episode 21 - Something Borrowed - full transcript
Marshall and Lily's wedding is destined to become a disaster, until fate intervenes and makes it perfect.
Ted: In may of 2007, aunt lily
and uncle marshall got married
At the historic van smoot house
in upstate new york.
(gasps)
Wow, it's beautiful, lily.
Yeah.
It's just how
I always pictured it.
Ted:
Well, that was a load of crap.
You see, kids,
when you get married,
You learn a hard lesson.
The wedding you set out to have
Is almost never the wedding
you end up with.
So, we've decided
On a small, outdoor wedding,
Just family and close friends.
No more than 25 people
In a beautiful garden somewhere,
Maybe an acoustic guitar playing
While we walk down the aisle.
And maybe you already know
someone who went down
To the courthouse and registered
as an officiant
So that he or she... he...
Could perform the ceremony.
But you hate marriage.
Why do you want
to perform the ceremony?
Because it subtly implants
in the mind of every woman there
That when I ask a question,
you say, "I do."
Yeah.
The closer you get
to the big day,
The more concessions you make.
Great.
Now my mom's making me
invite the lessners.
This puts our numbers
in the triple digits.
Wow. I guess sometimes,
lessner is more... Ner.
You know how like
sometimes less is more.
Yeah. This is one of
those times, sweetie.
You know what?
That's okay.
It'll be a slightly
big outdoor wedding.
So it's not going to be
an outdoor wedding anymore.
Marshall's dad is convinced
if we have an outdoor wedding
In new york,
he's going to get mugged,
So it's going to be inside now.
It'll be great.
We're still going to have
Our acoustic guitar player.
So now, instead
of an acoustic guitar,
We're having a harp player.
Yeah. My dad owes a guy, and...
That guy's daughter
plays the harp.
Is she hot?
I'd love to be able to cross
"harp player" off my list.
How long is this list?
Dude, I'm not gonna count
how many pages the list is.
I'm not crass.
Well, it doesn't matter
anyway. She's pregnant.
Sweet! I can cross
off two things.
Ted: So the day arrived
for lily and marshall's
Very big indoor wedding...
With a harp.
Hi, lily.
Wow. Andrea.
You really are pregnant.
Yeah.
Um...
How do you play the harp
with your belly so...?
Oh, I don't really... I can only
reach about half the strings.
You only play half the harp?
Yeah.
Oh, no. Uh, okay.
Lily, I will take care of this.
Um, I'll just pluck
the other half.
Is it hard to learn?
I've been studying the harp
for 12 years.
Yeah, but I'm a fast learner.
You ever hear of "guitar hero"?
Learned that in a day.
Is there a "harp hero"?
Robin, it's fine.
So, so, when are you due?
Tuesday.
Wow, that's soon.
Last Tuesday.
Holy crap, we have to fire her.
She's gonna drop a shorty
in the middle of your ceremony.
Robin, I'm not going
to freak myself out.
I hate those women who say, "oh,
my wedding has to be perfect."
Things go wrong.
Sometimes the deejay
screws up your playlist.
Sometimes you slip on placenta
during the recessional.
Hey, can I grab a scotch
and soda real quick?
Nope; I'm not allowed to serve
anything until the reception.
Wow. You just cost yourself
a big tip, buddy.
I'm not allowed
to accept tips, buddy.
You allowed to accept criticism?
You, sir, are an ass... Buddy.
Hey, you want to know what line
doesn't work on a harp player?
"Hey, baby, want to pluck?"
Really? That didn't work.
Not even a little.
Huh.
Hey!
Who's bill?
Bill?
Yeah. This guy came up
to me at the bar.
Can I ask you something?
Where in the ceremony is
the place where they ask
If anyone objects?
Uh... Don't think
they do that anymore.
Oh, so when do you think
someone should do it?
Just wait for a lull or what?
Oh, no.
Did he look like a guy who tried
To be an umpire but failed?
He kind of did.
That's scooter.
Your high school boyfriend,
scooter?
His real name is bill.
My mom must have invited him.
Why? Why would she do that?
Our families are really close.
But my ex-boyfriend?
Come on, mom.
I didn't invite that
professional squash player
Dad busted you with.
Oh, I need a glass
Of wine.
I'll get it.
Oh, thanks.
Hey, how's marshall doing?
He's great.
He's about to get his hair cut.
Oh. I'm worried my cousin's
going to cut it too short.
Me, too. I was up all night.
Hello, lily.
Hey, bill.
Hey, barney.
Scooter, what are
you doing here?
It's not "scooter" anymore.
It's bill.
A lot of things have changed
about me, lily,
But one hasn't.
I still love you.
And I came here to win you back.
(laughing):
You're really cute.
Oh, no. Really?
Lily, I-I know it's crazy,
but I love you, and if you
Can look me in the eye
And tell me that you
want to marry marshall,
I will leave right now and be
out of your life forever.
I want...
I...
I want...
Scooter!
And I need you
to get out of my face.
It's for the bride, so...
White or red?
White.
And, uh...
She'd also like
a scotch and soda.
She'd also like a bowl
of smoked almonds.
I don't have any,
but I guess I could run out
To the corner and get some.
Well, it's only the biggest day
Of her life, so...
Let the games begin.
Here. Can't stay.
Got to try something.
Maybe my words
won't change your mind,
But maybe the words
of a poet will.
I read from "November rain."
By w. Axl rose.
That is a good song.
Barney said you
needed me to bounce
Some guy named scooter?
What's up with bill?
That's scooter.
I'm on it.
Hey.
Hey.
Can I have your phone number?
No.
It's for the bride.
Oh. Hold on.
Let me go get a pen.
The bride wants you
to walk slower.
Oh...
Oh, wow.
Oh. Robin...
My makeup looks
perfect right now,
And I'm about to cry.
Do something.
Oh. Um...
Uh. I have hairy nipples.
Really?
No, but it worked, didn't it?
Hey. Funny story.
I tackled this guy
I thought was scooter.
Turns out it was
your photographer.
Don't worry.
I got this sweet camera phone,
So we're covered.
There's no photographer?
Okay, I just have to call...
Robin, stop. Stop.
It's okay. I am not gonna let
anything get to me today.
I just got a call
from the florist.
The flowers won't be here till
halfway through the ceremony.
I'm okay.
I hate to bother you, but...
I think I found your veil
in the parking lot.
I'm fine.
Just fyi: My water broke.
But I can probably...
(panting sharply)
Make it through.
Totally cool.
Oh, no.
Lily, I think I forgot
your bridal panties.
I-I thought I had them.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, it's okay, I'll just
wear the ones I have on.
Are you sure?
I'm marrying marshall today.
So it doesn't even matter
That I'm gonna walk down
the aisle without a veil
In a room that has no flowers
To the music of half a harp
Played by a woman
who's crowning,
As my high school boyfriend
Reads guns n' roses lyrics.
But that's okay,
Because there's
no photographer there
To take any pictures
of it anyway.
(chuckles)
Lily, are you okay?
What do you think?!
Of course I'm not okay!
Everything that could possibly
go wrong at my wedding has!
Well...
It's ruined!
What happened to "I don't
want a perfect wedding"?
Oh, grow up, robin!
Of course I want
a perfect wedding!
Oh, god.
I wanted... I wanted not to care
about the wedding, but...
I do.
I... I'm supposed to feel
like a princess today.
And you will.
It's gonna be okay, sweetie.
I have something
that'll make you feel better.
(scoffs) what could you have
That could possibly
make me feel better?
(sighs)
God, I hope marshall's
having a better day
Than I'm having.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god!
What?
Well, it's not too short.
(harp playing,
people chattering)
(screams)
My hair! Look at my hair!
She ruined my hair!
I look like one of
the backstreet boys!
(laughing):
You totally do.
And not even
the good backstreet boys,
The older, lame dance move,
comeback tour backstreet boys.
The good backstreet boys?
Marshall:
Guys! Guys!
What am I gonna do?!
What-what the hell
happened to you?
Lily's cousin
is in beauty school,
And lily didn't want her
to do her hair,
So she said she could do mine.
So, um, just not-not
too short, okay?
Mm-hmm. Oh, no, we don't
even have to cut it at all.
Could just give it some style.
Oh, okay, yeah, that's great.
'Cause, um, when it gets too
short, it starts to look weird.
And I don't want to look weird
when I'm up there, you know.
Ooh, I could give you
some cool guy tips.
I don't think I need advice
on how to be cool,
But yeah, great, lay them on me.
I can't get married like this!
There's no way!
Ah, let me see what I can do.
What? What can you do?
I have a superpower.
Lily is gonna kill me!
She's not gonna want
to marry me like this.
That's crazy.
Of course she will.
Would you marry me?
No. But not because of the hair.
It's because I have a rule:
Never marry anyone you've had
a farting contest with.
Oh, great.
So now you're saying lily and I
shouldn't even get married?
Could I have everyone's
attention, please?
It's for the bride.
One, the bride would...
Like all of this tension
out of my shoulders.
And she would like, let's say,
You in the inappropriately
Short dress
To rub them.
Two...
What was two?
Okay, we have a bit
of a situation.
Let's not panic.
Let's just find a solution.
(both screaming)
Dude, you shaved
your freakin' head.
Yeah, yeah, but it's good.
I ought to shave it all off.
What a great solution.
Just be bald 'cause
it's cool, right?
Bruce willis, michael jordan,
britney spears...
Oh, god, what did I do?!
How could you let me
shave my head?!
You're the worst best man ever!
I hate you!
I'm not going out there!
I'm leaving and I'm
never coming back.
I'm gonna go find
that money under the rock
By the tree and go live
With the guys on the beach
in zihautanejo.
Only red andy
was falsely accused.
Ted, you're my best man!
You got to do something!
Okay, all right, come here.
Just breathe,
breathe, all right?
Don't worry.
Don't worry.
I'll just...
I'll take these.
No!
Uh, hi.
Uncle ben, right?
Yes.
Yes, we're, we're having
a little bit
Of a problem back there.
Um, and I was wondering
if you could help us out.
Yeah.
Marshall accidentally
shaved part of his head.
Oh, no!
Yeah.
Yeah, so here's
what I was thinking.
Um, what if I found something
to cover up the bald area?
Yeah, that would probably work,
but with what?
Hmm, that's a tough one.
Maybe a wig of some sort
or a, um...
Toupee.
Something that
Matches his hair color,
Which is,
which is kind of the same color
As the top of your hair.
Mm, yeah.
Does anyone here wear a toupee?
Shouldn't be hard to find out.
Most of them are pretty bad.
That is true.
That is true.
We just need to find someone
who wears a toupee
That is the same color
as marshall's
And your hair.
Boy, that's a pretty tall order.
Really? You can't think
of any place
In the general area
where there might
Be a toupee of the kind
I'm describing to you?
No, not off the top of my...
No. Can't.
All right, let me come at this
from a different angle.
I got $50 in my pocket
Which is probably a lot more...
The bride needs this.
Actually, I think
it kinda works.
It totally does.
Barney?
To be honest,
I'm, uh, I'm jealous
I don't get to wear it.
Okay, problem solved.
Crisis averted.
Let's get me married.
It looks terrible, doesn't it?
It kinda looks like fur,
Which gives you the appearance
Of a cleaned-up bigfoot.
Oh, you know...
In a bad way.
Hey, cool hair, bro.
What happened to your shirt?
I got sauce on it
When I tackled the caterer.
You gonna put another shirt on?
No, I'm good.
Hey, you guys seen scooter?
What? What? Scooter's here?
That guy's at my wedding?
Not for long, bro.
Not for long.
Okay, you know what?
I need some air.
I think we should go
for a walk, okay?
Yep.
It would cover up the problem.
It's festive and it
celebrates the heritage
Of this great nation.
Okay, unless you actually
have one in your car,
Stop suggesting authentic
native american headdress.
Oh, no.
Oh, my god!
Lily, you're not supposed
to see me.
Holy crap, I don't think
Anyone's supposed to see you.
What happened?
Did amy do this to you?
Just the frosted tips.
I did the rest.
I'm sorry, baby.
I've ruined the whole wedding,
haven't I?
Oh, no, you didn't ruin
the wedding, sweetie.
It was already ruined.
There's no flowers,
no photographer.
Oh, and scooter's here,
by the way.
Yeah, I know. I heard.
My veil got thrashed;
the harp player is in labor,
And I'm not wearing
my wedding underwear.
What? No "property of marshall"
across the back?
How are people going to know
whose butt that is?
What happened?
Remember the wedding we wanted,
the intimate outdoor ceremony?
I wish we could have
that wedding.
So do it.
What?
Get married now.
Right here.
Look, it's outside
like you always wanted.
Intimate, close friends.
There's no guitar,
But it's pretty close.
Barney can officiate.
Yes.
Yes, I can.
Uh, excuse me, guys.
You all dropped something:
Your jaws...
Because barney stinson
Is about to aid and abet
a marriage.
Could we even do that?
I mean, what about all
those people in there?
Do that one, too.
And then when everything
goes wrong, you won't care
Because you already had
the real wedding out here.
What do you think, baby?
I love it.
Me, too.
Let's do it.
Let's get married
before we get married.
Oh, great.
Wait, hold on.
Excuse me, sir.
Could we borrow your hat?
Okay.
Thank you.
Hat. We thought of authentic
native american headdress
Before we thought of hat.
Thank you all for coming.
For those of you
who don't know me...
I'm not the biggest believer
in marriage.
But... You two are so great
together, you know?
Uh, it's like you were, uh,
made for each other.
He's gonna cry.
No, I'm not.
(playing lilting melody)
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not,
I'm not, I'm not.
(clears throat)
Lily and marshall...
When everyone sees you, they...
See true love.
(voice breaking):
It's the best love...
Can we just, um, move on
to the rings or something?
Oh, no.
I don't have my vows.
I don't have mine either.
You don't need your vows.
Just say why you
love each other.
Okay, I'll go first.
Lily, there are a million
reasons why I love you.
You make me laugh
And you take care of me
when I'm sick.
You're sweet and caring
And you even created an egg dish
and named it after me.
She puts a little italian
dressing in scrambled eggs
Before she cooks them.
It's called "eggs marshall,"
and it's awesome.
But the main reason
that I love you is
That you're my
best friend, lily.
You're, uh...
You're the best friend
that I've ever had.
I'm sorry, buddy.
No problem.
It's totally okay.
My turn.
Oh, thank you.
Marshall,
I love you because you're,
You're funny
and you make me feel loved
And you make me feel safe
And for our anniversary,
you gave me a sweatshirt
That says, "lily and marshall.
Rockin' it since '96."
I kinda wish
I was wearing it right now
'cause it smells like you.
But the main reason I love you,
marshall ericksen,
Is you make me happy.
You make me happy all the time.
Hey, I found your panties!
I'm good.
Okay.
Marshall, do you take lily
to be your wife
To have and to hold
from this day forward?
From this day forward so as long
as you both shall live?
I do.
Lily, do you promise to take
marshall to be your husband
From this day forward
as long as you both shall live?
I do.
Okay, then,
By the power vested in me
By the very bitter old pakistani
man who works down
At the courthouse
on lafayette street,
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Oh...
Oh...
Do you smoke?
No.
Wow. First lie of the marriage.
That was fast.
After that,
we all went back inside
For the second wedding.
And yeah, a lot of things
did go wrong,
But it didn't matter
Because when we all look back
on that day,
What I remember
is the first wedding;
The intimate outdoor ceremony
with just close friends
And an acoustic guitar.
♪
Oh...
How do you feel?
Tired. I got married
twice today.
Ooh.
So where do you want to do it
for the first time
As a married couple,
Nice hotel room
or a reception hall bathroom?
What do you think?
Bathroom, of course.
Mm.
Ted:
Please don't.
Sorry, ted.
Sorry, ted.
and uncle marshall got married
At the historic van smoot house
in upstate new york.
(gasps)
Wow, it's beautiful, lily.
Yeah.
It's just how
I always pictured it.
Ted:
Well, that was a load of crap.
You see, kids,
when you get married,
You learn a hard lesson.
The wedding you set out to have
Is almost never the wedding
you end up with.
So, we've decided
On a small, outdoor wedding,
Just family and close friends.
No more than 25 people
In a beautiful garden somewhere,
Maybe an acoustic guitar playing
While we walk down the aisle.
And maybe you already know
someone who went down
To the courthouse and registered
as an officiant
So that he or she... he...
Could perform the ceremony.
But you hate marriage.
Why do you want
to perform the ceremony?
Because it subtly implants
in the mind of every woman there
That when I ask a question,
you say, "I do."
Yeah.
The closer you get
to the big day,
The more concessions you make.
Great.
Now my mom's making me
invite the lessners.
This puts our numbers
in the triple digits.
Wow. I guess sometimes,
lessner is more... Ner.
You know how like
sometimes less is more.
Yeah. This is one of
those times, sweetie.
You know what?
That's okay.
It'll be a slightly
big outdoor wedding.
So it's not going to be
an outdoor wedding anymore.
Marshall's dad is convinced
if we have an outdoor wedding
In new york,
he's going to get mugged,
So it's going to be inside now.
It'll be great.
We're still going to have
Our acoustic guitar player.
So now, instead
of an acoustic guitar,
We're having a harp player.
Yeah. My dad owes a guy, and...
That guy's daughter
plays the harp.
Is she hot?
I'd love to be able to cross
"harp player" off my list.
How long is this list?
Dude, I'm not gonna count
how many pages the list is.
I'm not crass.
Well, it doesn't matter
anyway. She's pregnant.
Sweet! I can cross
off two things.
Ted: So the day arrived
for lily and marshall's
Very big indoor wedding...
With a harp.
Hi, lily.
Wow. Andrea.
You really are pregnant.
Yeah.
Um...
How do you play the harp
with your belly so...?
Oh, I don't really... I can only
reach about half the strings.
You only play half the harp?
Yeah.
Oh, no. Uh, okay.
Lily, I will take care of this.
Um, I'll just pluck
the other half.
Is it hard to learn?
I've been studying the harp
for 12 years.
Yeah, but I'm a fast learner.
You ever hear of "guitar hero"?
Learned that in a day.
Is there a "harp hero"?
Robin, it's fine.
So, so, when are you due?
Tuesday.
Wow, that's soon.
Last Tuesday.
Holy crap, we have to fire her.
She's gonna drop a shorty
in the middle of your ceremony.
Robin, I'm not going
to freak myself out.
I hate those women who say, "oh,
my wedding has to be perfect."
Things go wrong.
Sometimes the deejay
screws up your playlist.
Sometimes you slip on placenta
during the recessional.
Hey, can I grab a scotch
and soda real quick?
Nope; I'm not allowed to serve
anything until the reception.
Wow. You just cost yourself
a big tip, buddy.
I'm not allowed
to accept tips, buddy.
You allowed to accept criticism?
You, sir, are an ass... Buddy.
Hey, you want to know what line
doesn't work on a harp player?
"Hey, baby, want to pluck?"
Really? That didn't work.
Not even a little.
Huh.
Hey!
Who's bill?
Bill?
Yeah. This guy came up
to me at the bar.
Can I ask you something?
Where in the ceremony is
the place where they ask
If anyone objects?
Uh... Don't think
they do that anymore.
Oh, so when do you think
someone should do it?
Just wait for a lull or what?
Oh, no.
Did he look like a guy who tried
To be an umpire but failed?
He kind of did.
That's scooter.
Your high school boyfriend,
scooter?
His real name is bill.
My mom must have invited him.
Why? Why would she do that?
Our families are really close.
But my ex-boyfriend?
Come on, mom.
I didn't invite that
professional squash player
Dad busted you with.
Oh, I need a glass
Of wine.
I'll get it.
Oh, thanks.
Hey, how's marshall doing?
He's great.
He's about to get his hair cut.
Oh. I'm worried my cousin's
going to cut it too short.
Me, too. I was up all night.
Hello, lily.
Hey, bill.
Hey, barney.
Scooter, what are
you doing here?
It's not "scooter" anymore.
It's bill.
A lot of things have changed
about me, lily,
But one hasn't.
I still love you.
And I came here to win you back.
(laughing):
You're really cute.
Oh, no. Really?
Lily, I-I know it's crazy,
but I love you, and if you
Can look me in the eye
And tell me that you
want to marry marshall,
I will leave right now and be
out of your life forever.
I want...
I...
I want...
Scooter!
And I need you
to get out of my face.
It's for the bride, so...
White or red?
White.
And, uh...
She'd also like
a scotch and soda.
She'd also like a bowl
of smoked almonds.
I don't have any,
but I guess I could run out
To the corner and get some.
Well, it's only the biggest day
Of her life, so...
Let the games begin.
Here. Can't stay.
Got to try something.
Maybe my words
won't change your mind,
But maybe the words
of a poet will.
I read from "November rain."
By w. Axl rose.
That is a good song.
Barney said you
needed me to bounce
Some guy named scooter?
What's up with bill?
That's scooter.
I'm on it.
Hey.
Hey.
Can I have your phone number?
No.
It's for the bride.
Oh. Hold on.
Let me go get a pen.
The bride wants you
to walk slower.
Oh...
Oh, wow.
Oh. Robin...
My makeup looks
perfect right now,
And I'm about to cry.
Do something.
Oh. Um...
Uh. I have hairy nipples.
Really?
No, but it worked, didn't it?
Hey. Funny story.
I tackled this guy
I thought was scooter.
Turns out it was
your photographer.
Don't worry.
I got this sweet camera phone,
So we're covered.
There's no photographer?
Okay, I just have to call...
Robin, stop. Stop.
It's okay. I am not gonna let
anything get to me today.
I just got a call
from the florist.
The flowers won't be here till
halfway through the ceremony.
I'm okay.
I hate to bother you, but...
I think I found your veil
in the parking lot.
I'm fine.
Just fyi: My water broke.
But I can probably...
(panting sharply)
Make it through.
Totally cool.
Oh, no.
Lily, I think I forgot
your bridal panties.
I-I thought I had them.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, it's okay, I'll just
wear the ones I have on.
Are you sure?
I'm marrying marshall today.
So it doesn't even matter
That I'm gonna walk down
the aisle without a veil
In a room that has no flowers
To the music of half a harp
Played by a woman
who's crowning,
As my high school boyfriend
Reads guns n' roses lyrics.
But that's okay,
Because there's
no photographer there
To take any pictures
of it anyway.
(chuckles)
Lily, are you okay?
What do you think?!
Of course I'm not okay!
Everything that could possibly
go wrong at my wedding has!
Well...
It's ruined!
What happened to "I don't
want a perfect wedding"?
Oh, grow up, robin!
Of course I want
a perfect wedding!
Oh, god.
I wanted... I wanted not to care
about the wedding, but...
I do.
I... I'm supposed to feel
like a princess today.
And you will.
It's gonna be okay, sweetie.
I have something
that'll make you feel better.
(scoffs) what could you have
That could possibly
make me feel better?
(sighs)
God, I hope marshall's
having a better day
Than I'm having.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god!
What?
Well, it's not too short.
(harp playing,
people chattering)
(screams)
My hair! Look at my hair!
She ruined my hair!
I look like one of
the backstreet boys!
(laughing):
You totally do.
And not even
the good backstreet boys,
The older, lame dance move,
comeback tour backstreet boys.
The good backstreet boys?
Marshall:
Guys! Guys!
What am I gonna do?!
What-what the hell
happened to you?
Lily's cousin
is in beauty school,
And lily didn't want her
to do her hair,
So she said she could do mine.
So, um, just not-not
too short, okay?
Mm-hmm. Oh, no, we don't
even have to cut it at all.
Could just give it some style.
Oh, okay, yeah, that's great.
'Cause, um, when it gets too
short, it starts to look weird.
And I don't want to look weird
when I'm up there, you know.
Ooh, I could give you
some cool guy tips.
I don't think I need advice
on how to be cool,
But yeah, great, lay them on me.
I can't get married like this!
There's no way!
Ah, let me see what I can do.
What? What can you do?
I have a superpower.
Lily is gonna kill me!
She's not gonna want
to marry me like this.
That's crazy.
Of course she will.
Would you marry me?
No. But not because of the hair.
It's because I have a rule:
Never marry anyone you've had
a farting contest with.
Oh, great.
So now you're saying lily and I
shouldn't even get married?
Could I have everyone's
attention, please?
It's for the bride.
One, the bride would...
Like all of this tension
out of my shoulders.
And she would like, let's say,
You in the inappropriately
Short dress
To rub them.
Two...
What was two?
Okay, we have a bit
of a situation.
Let's not panic.
Let's just find a solution.
(both screaming)
Dude, you shaved
your freakin' head.
Yeah, yeah, but it's good.
I ought to shave it all off.
What a great solution.
Just be bald 'cause
it's cool, right?
Bruce willis, michael jordan,
britney spears...
Oh, god, what did I do?!
How could you let me
shave my head?!
You're the worst best man ever!
I hate you!
I'm not going out there!
I'm leaving and I'm
never coming back.
I'm gonna go find
that money under the rock
By the tree and go live
With the guys on the beach
in zihautanejo.
Only red andy
was falsely accused.
Ted, you're my best man!
You got to do something!
Okay, all right, come here.
Just breathe,
breathe, all right?
Don't worry.
Don't worry.
I'll just...
I'll take these.
No!
Uh, hi.
Uncle ben, right?
Yes.
Yes, we're, we're having
a little bit
Of a problem back there.
Um, and I was wondering
if you could help us out.
Yeah.
Marshall accidentally
shaved part of his head.
Oh, no!
Yeah.
Yeah, so here's
what I was thinking.
Um, what if I found something
to cover up the bald area?
Yeah, that would probably work,
but with what?
Hmm, that's a tough one.
Maybe a wig of some sort
or a, um...
Toupee.
Something that
Matches his hair color,
Which is,
which is kind of the same color
As the top of your hair.
Mm, yeah.
Does anyone here wear a toupee?
Shouldn't be hard to find out.
Most of them are pretty bad.
That is true.
That is true.
We just need to find someone
who wears a toupee
That is the same color
as marshall's
And your hair.
Boy, that's a pretty tall order.
Really? You can't think
of any place
In the general area
where there might
Be a toupee of the kind
I'm describing to you?
No, not off the top of my...
No. Can't.
All right, let me come at this
from a different angle.
I got $50 in my pocket
Which is probably a lot more...
The bride needs this.
Actually, I think
it kinda works.
It totally does.
Barney?
To be honest,
I'm, uh, I'm jealous
I don't get to wear it.
Okay, problem solved.
Crisis averted.
Let's get me married.
It looks terrible, doesn't it?
It kinda looks like fur,
Which gives you the appearance
Of a cleaned-up bigfoot.
Oh, you know...
In a bad way.
Hey, cool hair, bro.
What happened to your shirt?
I got sauce on it
When I tackled the caterer.
You gonna put another shirt on?
No, I'm good.
Hey, you guys seen scooter?
What? What? Scooter's here?
That guy's at my wedding?
Not for long, bro.
Not for long.
Okay, you know what?
I need some air.
I think we should go
for a walk, okay?
Yep.
It would cover up the problem.
It's festive and it
celebrates the heritage
Of this great nation.
Okay, unless you actually
have one in your car,
Stop suggesting authentic
native american headdress.
Oh, no.
Oh, my god!
Lily, you're not supposed
to see me.
Holy crap, I don't think
Anyone's supposed to see you.
What happened?
Did amy do this to you?
Just the frosted tips.
I did the rest.
I'm sorry, baby.
I've ruined the whole wedding,
haven't I?
Oh, no, you didn't ruin
the wedding, sweetie.
It was already ruined.
There's no flowers,
no photographer.
Oh, and scooter's here,
by the way.
Yeah, I know. I heard.
My veil got thrashed;
the harp player is in labor,
And I'm not wearing
my wedding underwear.
What? No "property of marshall"
across the back?
How are people going to know
whose butt that is?
What happened?
Remember the wedding we wanted,
the intimate outdoor ceremony?
I wish we could have
that wedding.
So do it.
What?
Get married now.
Right here.
Look, it's outside
like you always wanted.
Intimate, close friends.
There's no guitar,
But it's pretty close.
Barney can officiate.
Yes.
Yes, I can.
Uh, excuse me, guys.
You all dropped something:
Your jaws...
Because barney stinson
Is about to aid and abet
a marriage.
Could we even do that?
I mean, what about all
those people in there?
Do that one, too.
And then when everything
goes wrong, you won't care
Because you already had
the real wedding out here.
What do you think, baby?
I love it.
Me, too.
Let's do it.
Let's get married
before we get married.
Oh, great.
Wait, hold on.
Excuse me, sir.
Could we borrow your hat?
Okay.
Thank you.
Hat. We thought of authentic
native american headdress
Before we thought of hat.
Thank you all for coming.
For those of you
who don't know me...
I'm not the biggest believer
in marriage.
But... You two are so great
together, you know?
Uh, it's like you were, uh,
made for each other.
He's gonna cry.
No, I'm not.
(playing lilting melody)
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not,
I'm not, I'm not.
(clears throat)
Lily and marshall...
When everyone sees you, they...
See true love.
(voice breaking):
It's the best love...
Can we just, um, move on
to the rings or something?
Oh, no.
I don't have my vows.
I don't have mine either.
You don't need your vows.
Just say why you
love each other.
Okay, I'll go first.
Lily, there are a million
reasons why I love you.
You make me laugh
And you take care of me
when I'm sick.
You're sweet and caring
And you even created an egg dish
and named it after me.
She puts a little italian
dressing in scrambled eggs
Before she cooks them.
It's called "eggs marshall,"
and it's awesome.
But the main reason
that I love you is
That you're my
best friend, lily.
You're, uh...
You're the best friend
that I've ever had.
I'm sorry, buddy.
No problem.
It's totally okay.
My turn.
Oh, thank you.
Marshall,
I love you because you're,
You're funny
and you make me feel loved
And you make me feel safe
And for our anniversary,
you gave me a sweatshirt
That says, "lily and marshall.
Rockin' it since '96."
I kinda wish
I was wearing it right now
'cause it smells like you.
But the main reason I love you,
marshall ericksen,
Is you make me happy.
You make me happy all the time.
Hey, I found your panties!
I'm good.
Okay.
Marshall, do you take lily
to be your wife
To have and to hold
from this day forward?
From this day forward so as long
as you both shall live?
I do.
Lily, do you promise to take
marshall to be your husband
From this day forward
as long as you both shall live?
I do.
Okay, then,
By the power vested in me
By the very bitter old pakistani
man who works down
At the courthouse
on lafayette street,
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Oh...
Oh...
Do you smoke?
No.
Wow. First lie of the marriage.
That was fast.
After that,
we all went back inside
For the second wedding.
And yeah, a lot of things
did go wrong,
But it didn't matter
Because when we all look back
on that day,
What I remember
is the first wedding;
The intimate outdoor ceremony
with just close friends
And an acoustic guitar.
♪
Oh...
How do you feel?
Tired. I got married
twice today.
Ooh.
So where do you want to do it
for the first time
As a married couple,
Nice hotel room
or a reception hall bathroom?
What do you think?
Bathroom, of course.
Mm.
Ted:
Please don't.
Sorry, ted.
Sorry, ted.