How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 2, Episode 14 - Monday Night Football - full transcript

Kids, I've told you stories
about all the big holidays:

Christmas...

Halloween...

Thanksgiving...

But one holiday was always
my favorite... super bowl Sunday.

And there was one super bowl
back in 2007

That I will never forget.

Marshall, you're on beer detail.

Lily, you're making
the bean dip.

Uh, robin, you're on chips
and pretzels, and barney,

I'm giving you nothing to do
so you can just focus

On controlling
your gambling problem.

(scoffs):
"problem."

Oh, poor superman,

He should really do something
about his flying problem.

It's not a problem if
you're awesome at it.

And I will be going
to quinn's to pick up

The world's greatest food,

The super bowl
hot wings platter.

If I were a chicken,

I'd go cannibal
for those bad boys.

Just eat my own damn wing off.

I don't care.
I'm crazy like that.

Here's the info
for tomorrow night.

What's tomorrow night?

Oh, god, you didn't hear?

Mark died.

Oh...
Oh, my god.

The funeral's tomorrow at 6:00,

And I know it would have meant
a lot to mark if you came.

You guys were
his favorite customers.

Stay strong.
Oh, wow.

Sorry. We're so sorry.
Our condolences.

Oh...

Who was mark?

Barney:
No idea.

Marshall:
Not a clue.

Well, I guess
we should go, right?

Marshall:
Wait...

Tomorrow night at 6:00,
that's the super bowl.

Okay, I feel terrible,

But the truth is
we didn't know mike.

Mark. Mark, and as long
as we send flowers,

I can't think of any reason
we'd have to go.

Get out of here!

I never want to see your
face in this bar again!

This soulless bastard

Just told me he can't
come to mark's funeral

Because he wants
to watch the super bowl.

Could you believe that?

You guys are coming, right?

Yes... Wouldn't miss it for the world.
Oh, yeah.

Okay, here's the plan.

Record the game,
go to the funeral

Pay our respects to matt...
Mark.

Mark, and start watching
only an hour late.

Okay, that's great, but just
to make sure it records,

Maybe we should bow our heads

And say a quiet prayer
to the tivo gods.

Almighty tivo,

We thank you for all
the gifts you have given us:

The power to freeze
live tv to go take a leak

Is nothing short of godlike.

Let's not forget fast-
forwarding through commercials.

It seems greedy to ask
anything more from you,

O magic box,

But if you malfunction
and miss the super bowl,

We will destroy you in the
alley with baseball bats.

Both:
Amen.

We are not fast-forwarding
through the commercials.

Yeah, they're the best part.

Oh, come on.
Remember last year?

Who wants to watch a monkey
in a coconut bra order a pizza?

(both laughing)

Lily: My god, that
monkey was so cute!

The last time.

Seriously, that's the last time

I'm gonna call you today.

Okay.

Good-bye.

You didn't hang up either!

I know! You hang up!

You hang up!
(laughs)

My bookie. Great guy.

So let me get this straight.

A funeral is the one
time you don't suit up?

Have I taught you nothing, ted?
Virtually.

Suits are full of joy.

They're the sartorial equivalent
of a baby's smile.

"Sartorial"?

"Of or pertaining

To tailors or their trade."

Suits are for the living.

That's why when
it's my time to r.I.P.

I'm going out of this world
the same way I came into it...

Buck naked. Yeah.

It's gonna be awesome.

Open bar for the guys,
open casket for the ladies.

♪ What up?!

That's so funny!
Like that?

All:
Oh...!

(sadly):
Oh...

Such a waste.

I know.
He was so young.

A hand-stitched, cashmere,

Double-breasted
dolce & gabbana.

It must be so frightened.

This is going faster
than I thought.

We'll make an appearance
at the bar for the wake,

We'll be watching
the game by 8:00.

And even though
we didn't see any whales,

Mark and I both said it was
the best day of our lives.

Hmm.
Hmm.

Okay, I'm getting us
another round.

And when I come back,

Everyone else is telling
their favorite mark story.

Oh...

Dibs on the one carl just told.

Okay, I have to be
at work exactly

One super bowl from now.

Oh, let's face it, we're not
going to get to watch it.

We should just find out
the score.

Oh, thank god!
I'll find out.

We have to watch
the game together.

It's tradition.

Think of all the great times
we've had watching this game.

Second down, everyone drink.

Ted, it's not a drinking game

If you drink anytime
anything happens.

Are these chicken wings
or angel wings?

God, I love these things.

I love you guys.

This is so great,

All of us watching
the super bowl together.

This is special.

We need to do this
every year... promise me!

Calm down, buddy.

Oh, commercials!

Everyone drink!

(all groan)

God, this is such
a great tradition,

All of us watching
the game together.

How did this start?

Hey, barney, I bet you 20 bucks

That casey misses
this field goal.

I don't bet.
Betting's for suckers.

Make it like a dollar
or something, you know.

Who cares? No big deal.

Fine.

(all groan)

See, there you go, he made it.

You win.

Wait. This is mine,
just like that?

God, that feels good.

No, that feels really... Good.

What else can we bet on?

Nothing, it's the halftime show.

Oh, so lame.

Nobody even pays attention.

I mean, janet jackson,
who cares?

(whispering):
God, how cool is robin?

I can't believe you invited

This girl we've only known

For a few months
to our sacred day.

Now she's gonna be
in all the pictures.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.
I'll give you the seahawks

Plus six points for 500 bucks.

Are you crazy? Maybe for $50.

$50?! What fun is $50?!

Why don't we just bet air?!
God, marshall!

Okay, $50.

Hey, I'll take that action.

Seahawks, but make
it four points

And make it a grand.

Hey, these wings, are they
chicken wings or angel wings?

Oh, commercials!

Monkey with a coconut bra.
Hilarious.

Look, we always watch
the super bowl together.

So we make a pact
to watch it tomorrow at 6:00

And go the next 18 hours
without finding out who won.

That's impossible.

I'm not gonna lie to you.

It's not gonna be easy.

That means no tv, no internet,

No newspapers, nothing.

Media blackout.

But our tradition lives on.

Who's in?

I'm in.

I'm in.
I'm in.

What the hell, I'm in.
High five!

Dude, we're at a wake.

Sorry. Solemn low five.

None of us had any idea
how hard it would be

To go nine hours
without hearing the outcome

Of the super bowl.

I decided to work from home
to avoid contamination

By the outside world.

(anxious muttering)

Hey, take this
key and swallow it.

What? No.

Come on, ted, you eat salads.

It'll be out by game time.

Lots more, no.

I'm not messing around,
theodore.

I've got a lot of money
riding on this game.

If I don't handcuff myself
to this radiator,

I'll check the score.

Please take the key.

Fine.

But only because

You didn't think through
a bathroom plan

And I think that's funny.

(groans)

The media blackout
was particularly hard on robin

Because, well,
she was the media.

But unfortunately,
the city won't be fixing

The unusually large
pothole any time soon,

So buckle up
if you're on the bqe.

It's gonna be a bumpy one.

Like morning commutes
needed to get any harder.

You're right, kevin.

Well, robin, what do you say?

I think it's time to check in

With sid for a sports update.

No!

What?
No.

But it's, uh, time for sports.

No, it's not.

It's time for weather.

We, we just did weather.

Well, weather's pretty fickle,

It may have changed.

What's it doing out there, lou?

Pretty much the same thing
it was two minutes ago.

Back to you, robin.

Okay, now it's time for sports.

No! Let's go
to traffic todd

In the metro news 1
gridlock chopper...

Robin, it's time for sports!

Over to you, sid.

(hesitatingly): Thank
you, kevin and robin.

Let's talk about the super bowl.

Weeks earlier,
marshall had promised lily

He'd come into her kindergarten
class for show-and-tell day.

And he's a little bit
double-jointed...

Ah?

And his favorite animal

Is the loch ness monster.

Lily, how many times...?

Nessie is a gentle creature.

We're trying to stay away
from terms like "monster."

Well, I think

We can all agree, he
is much more interesting

Than sally's
one-eyed goldfish.

Three weeks in a row?

Come on, sally.

Okay, well, that's
all the time we have.

Arts and crafts, everybody.

Hey.

I'm doug.

Oh, hey, I'm marshall.

Are you going to be staying
here for the rest of day?

Yeah, I'm actually trying
to hide out

'cause I don't want to know
who won the super bowl.

I know who won.

Oh, um, that's great,
but I really don't want to know,

So if you could just
keep that to yourself.

How badly do you
not want to know?

Excuse me?

Ten bucks.

Are you serious?

Just went up to eight.

Unlock me, ted.

I've never gone this long

Without calling my bookie.

He worries.

Not until game time.

Where are you going?

Pick up the hot wings.

What?

How the hell are you
planning on getting

In and out of a sports bar
without seeing the score?

There's tvs everywhere.

Ah, don't worry.

I got it all planned out.

First of all:

I placed duct tape

So I can only see
out of two tiny holes.

Next, I constructed blinders
out of an old cereal box.

Top it all off: High-tech
noise-reducing headphones

I bought when marshall and lily
first got back together

And were doing it a lot.

I call it
the sensory deprivator 5000.

Sorry.

(tv playing in background)

(breathy silence)

(loud): Hello! Uh, my
name is ted mosby.

I'm here to pick up
my hot wings.

In my hand, you'll find
the exact total for the wings

Plus a generous tip.

Please take the cash.

Put the wings in my hand

(low, distant):
And I'll be on my way.

Thank you!

And that closes the book
on one heck of a super bowl.

Back to you, kevin and robin.

La, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la...

We'll be right back.

(news theme plays)

Woman:
And we're clear.

Robin:
Sorry.

Um, robin, is it just me,

Or were you doing something
different there?

I haven't watched the game yet.

I'm begging you, for
the rest of the newscast,

There can't be any references
to who won the super bowl.

I mean, change the teleprompter.

No team names, nothing specific.

That is crazy.
I can't do that.

(cries): My friend mark
passed away this week.

(crying) okay, sweetie, okay.

Okay, I'm so sorry.

Back in five...

Four...
Oh, I know.

Three...
It's just so hard.

(news theme plays)

(groans)

(sighs)

Ha!

Who's the idiot now?!

You said the sensory deprivator
5000 was stupid.

But it totally worked!

I couldn't see or hear anything
happening around.

Right?! Right?!

No...!

Oh!

I was about to have
a horrible realization.

Where's the dipping sauce?

(ominous chord plays)

The team that won,

Want to know what
their name rhymes with?

Come on, dude.
You promised you'd stop

If I ate all those crayons.

Why are you doing this?

I'm in love with miss aldrin.

Well, you can't have
miss aldrin, she's mine.

(figure shattering)

Okay, now who did this?

I did.

Does that mean marshall
gets a time-out?

Well, marshall's
a grownup, so...

When one of us breaks something,
we get a time-out.

Sorry.

And after the super bowl,

The mayor of the losing team's
city had to pay up,

Sending the mayor of
the winning team's city

15 pounds of a delicacy
his or her city is famous for.

Better fire up whatever type
of grill, steamer or fryer

One might use to cook that
delicacy, winning team's mayor.

(fierce whisper):
Hey.

Hey.

I'm not talking to you.

Yes, you are.

You'll do whatever I say.

Hold your breath.

I'm not holding my breath.

The winning team was the...

(inhales deeply)

Now here's how this
is going to work:

You're going to take me to
three r-rated movies a week...

And then uncle marshall
got an idea.

It was not one he was proud of
in retrospect,

But desperate times...

Oh, no.

Somebody wet their pants.

No, I didn't.

Oh, really?

Who's everyone gonna believe?

I'm a grownup third-year
law student at columbia

And you're just
a little pants wetter.

So now I ask you a question:

You want to be able
to quietly sneak off

Or am I gonna have something
for show and tell today?

Hey, everyone...

Okay, okay.

You win.

I want my money back.

And your pudding snack pack.

Sir, who won the super bowl?

Sorry.
I missed the game.

You missed...?! How could
he miss the super bowl?

Excuse me!

Who won the super bowl?!

I... Don't really
follow sports.

Oh, my...!

Emmitt smith!

Oh, thank god.

Yeah, I get that a lot.

You got to tell me,
who won the super bowl?

The game was last night?

You know, once you win
two or three of those things,

It's kind of like, eh.

But you're emmitt smith.

You're a football player,
it's super bowl Sunday.

What could possibly be more
important than football?!

Dance, my friend. Dance.

No...!

(breathy silence)

(shouts):
Hello! It's me again.

Oh!

I didn't recognize you.

Yeah, you forgot to give me
the dipping sauce!

Ah.

Yes.

This is the one.

It was 4:00,

And so far, all of us
had done the impossible.

But then, almost simultaneously,

Things started to go wrong.

And let's end the day
on a happy note.

There is a new arrival
at the bronx zoo.

Trish sanchez has the story.

(weather report plays on radio)

Hey, buddy.
Hey, dude, look out.

(breathy silence)

And in honor of yesterday's
big win...

(stations changing)

The super bowl... there is
no more bitter defeat in sports

Than to lose one.

Hey, buddy, look out.
Dude, watch out!

The zoo decided to name
the baby panda

After super bowl champions...

No...!

No...!

No...!

Yes...!

Awesome. Just in time
for the kick-off.

Mission accomplished. No.
Didn't find out.

Great. Let's do it.

I already fast-forwarded
through the four hours

Of pre-game coverage,
so we are ready.

Barney,

I can't even look at you.

I don't want any sign
of who won.

Don't worry, I'm not going
to give anything away.

Feel free to start without me.

(door closes) ah...!

Stupid!

Stupid! Stupid!

So much money! You
screwed it up, barney!

You screwed everything up!

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

(calm):
Okay, let's watch the game.

Barney, what the hell was that?

We know who you bet on.

Now you've ruined
the game for everyone.

Yeah.

Thanks a lot, barney.

Way to blow it.

Yeah, I didn't know
and now I do know.

There's no point in
even watching the game.

Well, at least the
commercials aren't ruined.

Wings are still good.

Beer still works.

Ah, what the hell.

Let's watch barney
lose some money.

Hey, so check this out:

I got extorted by
a five-year-old today.

I almost got fired today.

I met emmitt smith today.

Ooh, you go first.

I tried out the sensory
deprivator 5000.

Yeah, go ahead, barney.

Well, I was frantically
running down the street,

Trying to find out
the score to the game...

Ted:
And here's the funny part,

As unforgettable
as that super bowl was,

Here it is 23 years later
and I don't remember who won...

(cheering)

Hell, I don't even remember
who played.

What I do remember
is that we drank beer,

We ate wings and we watched
the super bowl together.

(cheering)

Because, sometimes,
even if you know

How something's going to end,

That doesn't mean
you can't enjoy the ride.

We even raised a toast
to good old mike.

I mean mark... Matt...

I didn't only lose the game,

I lost every single prop bet.

Total penalty yardage,

Number of replay-challenges,

Coin toss...

What are the odds of losing
the coin toss?

50-50, give or take.

Interceptions, field-goals,

Total sacks,

Whether or not there'd
be a safety, first...

(breathy silence)