How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 1, Episode 2 - Purple Giraffe - full transcript

Ted:
Okay, where was I?

You were telling us
how you met mom.

In excruciating detail.

Right.

So, back in 2005,

When I was 27,

My two best friends got engaged,

And it got me thinking,
maybe I should get married.

And then I saw robin.

She was incredible.

I just knew I had to meet her.

That's where
your uncle barney came in.

I suggest we play
a little game I like to call

Wait, no, no, no.
We're not playing
"have you met ted?"

Hi. Have you met ted?

So I asked her out.

But after just one date,
I was in love with her

Which made me say
something stupid.

I think I'm in love with you.

What?!

Oh, dad.

So then what happened?

Nothing.

I mean, I'd made
a complete fool of myself.

So, a week went by,
and I decided not to call her.

So you're not gonna call her?

You went from,
"I think I'm
in love with you"

To "I'm not gonna call her"?

I wasn't in love with her, okay?

I was briefly in love
with the abstract concept

Of getting married.

It had absolutely
nothing to do with robin.

Robin.

Hi.

Look who I ran into.

Since when do you guys
know each other?

Oh, since about... Here.

Lily recognized me

From the news and...

Hello, sailor!

They just got engaged.

Well, I should get
back to the station.

See you, guys.

Nice seeing you, ted.

Yeah, you, too.
Thanks.

What? Damn it!

I'm in love with her.

As your sponsor,
I will not let you relapse.

You blew it, it's over, move on.

I don't know, I just
have this feeling

She's the future
mrs. Ted mosby.

( Lily squeaks)

Lily, you squeaked?

She said something
about me, didn't she?

Come on, spill it, red!

Fine.

So, what do we think of ted?

( Iaughs)

Ted's something else.

Huh.

I'm gonna spin that as good.

Lots of guys are something,
I'm something else.

Comes on a little strong.

But, that's part of my charm.

But, that's part of his charm.

Oh, totally. I mean,
he's sweet, he's charming,

He's just looking for something

A little bit more serious
than I am.

I mean, the most I can handle
right now is something casual.

This just stays
between us, right?

Are you kidding?

This flapper?
Fort knox.

Oops.

She wants casual.

Okay, I'll be casual.

I'm going to be a mushroom cloud
of casual.

Cause it's a game...
I want her to skip

To the end and do the whole
happily-ever-after thing.

But you don't get there
unless you play the game.

So, are you going
to ask her out?

Yeah... No!

I can't ask her out,

Because if I ask her
out, I'm asking her out.

So, how do I

Ask her out without
asking her out?

Did you guys get high?

I got it.

I don't ask her out.

I invite her

To our party next Friday.

We're having
a party next Friday?

We are now. Casual.

Like inviting a hundred people
over just to mack on one girl.

Oh, and lily, that's my leg.

You waited five minutes
to tell me that?

All right, so call her up.

No, calling's not casual.

I just got to bump
into her somewhere.

Now, if only I
knew her schedule,

I could arrange
a chance encounter.

That's great, ted... you'll be
the most casual stalker ever.

Put that ring on her finger,
lily had been,

Well, extra affectionate.

( chuckling ):
Baby, no.

I have a 25-page paper on
constitutional law due Monday.

Hey, I'm just sitting
here, wearing my ring,

My beautiful ring.

( Typing)

Kind of makes wearing
other stuff seem wrong.

Like my shirt.

Kind of don't want to
wear my shirt anymore.

Or...

My underwear.

That's right, I'm
not wearing any.

( Sighs )

No underwear?

Not even slightly.

Ted:
Guys.

Boundaries.

Robin ( on tv ):
Thanks, bill.

I'm reporting from
the razzle dazzle supermarket

On 75th and columbus...

75th and columbus.

Game on!

Where four-year-old
leroy ellenberg has climbed

Inside a grab-a-prize machine
and gotten stuck.

( Panting )

And, all in the pursuit
of a stuffed, purple giraffe.

For metro news 1,
I'm robin trubotsky.

Engineer:
We're clear.

Robin:
Thanks, don.
Whew.

Ted.

Robin, wow!

What are the odds?

Oh, you know, just, uh,
shopping for, uh, dip.

I love dip.

I mean, I don't love
dip, I like dip...

( chuckles )
so, uh, hey,
you, uh,

Reporting a news
story or something?

Yeah, kid stuck
in a crane machine.

How sweet of you
to call it news.
Wow.

Kid in a crane machine.
Mm-hmm.

You just had to have
that toy, didn't you?

Couldn't play the game
like everyone else.

You're all sweaty!

Cute kid.

Um, you know,

It's so funny
I should run into you.

We're, uh, we're having a party
next Friday,

If you feel like swinging by.

But, you know, whatever.

Oh, I'm going back
home next weekend.

It's too bad it's not tonight.

It is... It's tonight.

This Friday.
Did I say next Friday?

Sorry, I guess

I've been saying
next Friday all week.

But, yeah, it's tonight,
the, uh, the party's tonight.

But, you know, whatever.

( Phone rings)

Hello?

Hey, am I interrupting anything?

No, no, I'm just
writing my paper.

Hitting the books.

Yeah, well, you and lily

Might want to put
some clothes on.

We're throwing
a party in two hours.

Okay, bye.

What are you gonna
do when robin shows up?

Okay, I got it all planned out.

She steps through the door...
and where's ted?

Not eagerly waiting by the door.

No, I'm across the room
at my drafting table,

Showing some foxy young thing
all my cool architect stuff.

So, robin strolls over, and I
casually give her one of these:

"hey, what's up?"

She says, "hey, nice place,
et cetera, et cetera."

And then, I say,
"well, make yourself at home."

And, I casually return
to my conversation.

Then, an hour later...

"oh, you're still here?"

I say, like I don't really care,

But it's a nice surprise.

And then, very casually:

Both:
The roof!
Get her up to the roof,

And the roof
takes care of the rest.

What's so special
about the roof?

Oh, the moon, the stars,
the shimmering skyline.

You can't not fall in love
on that roof.

We do it up there, sometimes.

Solid plan, my little friend.

But, may I suggest one
little modification.

Barney:
That foxy young thing
you were chatting up,

Take her up to the roof
and have sex with her.

Crazy monkey style...
That's not the plan.

Barney:
Well, it should be the plan.

I mean, look at her.

Ted, look at her.
She's smoking!

Thank you!
Yeah...

But, she's not robin!

Exactly!

Ted, let's rap.

Statistic: At every
new york party,

There's always a girl
who has no idea

Whose party she's at.

She knows no one you know,

And you will never
see her again.

Do you see where I'm
going with this?

Barney, I don't think so.
( groans )

Scoping.

( Imitates sonar beeping )

Scoping.

Man, you're a dork.

( Accelerates beeping sound )

Target acquired!

Now it's time we
play a little game

I like to call
"have you met ted?"
oh, come on, not this.

Hi. Have you met ted?
No.

Hi. Hi.

Do you know marshall? Lily?

Woman:
No.

Hmm. Do you know
anyone at this party?

I work with carlos.

Excuse me.

Anyone know a carlos?

No.
No.

On a silver platter.

Bon appétit.

I don't think so.

Your loss, her gain.

Excuse me.

Can I show you the roof?

It's magical up there.

Sure.
Ted:
Wait, wait.

Hey, hey, I got
that roof reserved.

Dude, robin's not coming.

Hey, she's going to show up!

She'll show up.

Ted:
She didn't show up.

At least it was a great party.

I ate, like, four
whole cans of dip.

You always know what to say,
old friend.

( Phone ringing )

It's robin.

No, no, not right away...
got to seem casual.

( Ringing continues )

Hello?

I'm so sorry
I missed your party.

Who is this? Meredith?

Robin.

Oh, robin!

Hey! Yeah, I, uh, guess
you never showed up, did you?

No, I got stuck at work.

But, they finally got that kid
out of the crane machine.

Did he get to keep
the purple giraffe?

Yeah, they let him keep
all the toys.

He was in there a long time,

And little kids
have small bladders.

( Chuckles )
robin:
I wish your party

Was tonight.

It is... the party's tonight.

Yeah, uh...

It's a two-day party,
'cause that's just how we roll.

Uh, so, if you want to swing by,
you know, it's casual.

See ya.

So, that was robin.
What are you

Doing to me, man?!

I got a paper to write!
I know! Sorry!

It's terrible!

I'll buy more dip!
Ted! Ted, wait!

Get french onion!

Can you believe this guy?

I got a paper to write.

Okay, fine.

But, it's got to be,
like, super-quick,

And no cuddling after.

I'm the luckiest girl alive.

You were so right
about the roof!

The roof!

The roof is on fire, ted!

That girl from last night...

I took her back to my place,

Spun her around a
couple times and
sent her walking.

She will never find her way
back, and there she is.

How did she get here?
Did you invite her?

I have no idea who that is.

She said she works
with carlos.
Who's carlos?

I don't know any carlos.

( Frustrated groan)

Hi, you!

You're back!

I sure am.

Mmm.

Come on, sweetie,
I need a drink.

"Sweetie"? Really?

( Barely audible ):
Help.

Whoa! Whoa, rabbits!

Come on,

I got that roof reserved.

All right.

So, it's over between me
and works-with-carlos girl.

Whoa! That was fast.

Yeah. I was
trying to think,

What's the quickest
way to get rid of a
girl you just met?

I think I'm in love with you.

What?!

Thanks, bro.
Glad I could help.

What the...
No, no, no. Come on.

Sorry, ted.

Great. What am I going to
do when robin shows up?

She'll show up.

She didn't show up.

All right.

We threw two parties.

Everybody had fun.

Everybody wanged,
everybody chunged.

Now, the kid has
got to get to work,

And the kid is not
to be disturbed.

Repeat after me.

I will not have sex
with marshall.

Both:
I will not have sex
with marshall.

( Phone ringing )

It's robin.

Hello?

Hi, ted.
Amanda?

Oh, denise!

Sorry, you totally sounded
like amanda.

It's robin.

Oh, robin.

Hi.

I totally wanted to come.

I got stuck at work again.

I feel like I live there.

I'm sorry I missed your party,
again.

Hey, ain't no thing
but a chicken wing, mamacita.

Who am I?

I guess there's no chance
your two-dayer

Turned into a three-dayer?

It did, indeed.

The party continues tonight.

Yeah.

Uh, last night,
people were like,
"keep it going, bro.

Party trifecta."

Wow!

Okay, well, I'll be there.

Great!

See you tonight.

So, that was robin.

So, I threw a third party
for robin...

On a Sunday night.

Well, this is lame.

Lame... Or casual?

Lame.

Or casual?

Hey, law books.

Ready for a little
15 minute recess?

Sorry, baby, I got to work.

I need all my blood up here.

Has anybody seen an
introduction to contract tort

And restitution statutes
from 1865-1923?

Anybody seen a big-ass book?

All ( muttering ):
No.

Woman:
Hello, barney.

Of course.

You look well.

Is it weird they invited
both of us?

Who?

Who invited you?

No one even knows who you are!

I understand you're hurt,
but you don't have to be cruel.

Carlos was right about you.

Who is carlos?!

Hey, where the hell is my...?

Oh...!

Okay...

An introduction to contract tort

And restitution statutes
from 1865-1923

Is not a coaster!

Ted, I'm jeopardizing my law
career so you can throw not one,

Not two, but three parties
for some girl that you just met

Who's probably not even going
to show up!

I mean, where is she, ted, huh?

Where's robin?

Hi.

Hi, robin.

Wow.

So, you threw all these parties
for me?

No.

Oh, you thought that...
No!

I... Okay, yes.

You got me.

One of the reasons
I threw these parties

Was so that
I could introduce you

To, um, this guy.

Uh, I figured, you know,

Since it didn't work out
between us

And now we can
just laugh about it...

( laughs weakly)

Anyway, robin, this is...

Carlos.

Oh!
Oh!

She's still talking to carlos.

I can still win this.

I-it's not over.

Okay, buddy.

Time for the tough talk.

Robin seems great,
but let's look at the facts.

You want to get married.

And right now,

There's a million women
in new york

Looking for exactly you.

But robin ain't one of them.

She's not just one of them.

She's the one.

Yeah, well, the one
is heading up to the roof.

What are you going to do?

Nothing.

It's a game.

I got to just keep playing it.

( Rock music playing )

Ted...

Hey, carlos, can you
give us a minute?

Hey, no sweat, hombre.

See ya.

Robin...

Look, I didn't throw this party

To set you up with carlos,

Or the one before that,
or the one before that.

I threw these parties
because I wanted to see you.

Well, here I am.

There's something here,
look, unless I'm crazy.

You're not crazy.

I don't know, ted.

I mean, we barely
know each other

And you're looking at me
with that look.

And, it's like...

Like, "let's fall in love
and get married

And have kids and drive them
to soccer practice."

I'm not going
to force sports on them

Unless they're interested.

( Iaughing )

It's a great look.

But you're looking
at the wrong girl.

No, I'm not.

I don't want to get married
right now, maybe ever.

I'd feel like I'd either have
to marry you

Or break your heart, and...

I just couldn't do
either of those things.

Just like you can't turn off
the way you feel.

Click.

Off. Let's make out.

What?

What? That was
the off switch.

And I turned it off.

I mean, look, sure, yes,

I want to fall in love, get
married, blah, blah, blah.

But, on the other hand...

You, me, the roof.

There's no off switch.

There is an off switch.

And it's off.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

No, it's not.

Yes... It is.

No, it's not.

You're right.

There's no off switch.

God, I wish there
was an off switch!

Me, too.

( Both laughing )

( both muttering nervously )

What do we do now?

We could be friends.

Oh...

I know it sounds insincere
when people say that,

But... We could.

I don't know, robin.

I've made such a jackass
of myself here.

We start hanging out,
every time I see you

It'll be like,
"oh, that's right.

I'm a jackass."

You're not a jackass.

Look, I'm sorry.

I only moved here in April
and I'm always working

And I just haven't met
a lot of good people so far.

But I understand.

Well, uh, maybe in a few months,

After it's not so fresh,

We could all, uh,
you know, get a beer.

Yeah.

That sounds good.

I'll see you, ted.

Or, you know, now.

We could all get a beer now.

I'd like that.

My friends are going
to love you...

Like you, you know, as a friend.

Jackass.

Unbelievable.

That's just a recipe

For disaster.
They work together!

Are you jealous?

Oh, please.

What does carlos have
that I don't?

A date tonight.

All:
Oh!

Stop the tape.
Rewind.

( Imitates tape rewinding )
a date tonight.

All:
Oh!

I'm not sure I like her.

Hey, don't you have a paper
to write?

Dude, you're talking to the kid.

I'm going to knock back
this beer.

I'm going to knock back
one more beer.

I'm going to write
a 25-page paper.

I'm going to hand it in
and I'm going to get an "a."

My name is rufus
and that's the trufus.

( Iaughter )

Ted:
He got a b-minus.

But still,
25 pages in one night, b-minus?

The kid was good.

At least let me buy you a beer.

Come on,

I'll buy everyone a beer.

I'll help carry.

You know something,
ted?
What?

You are a catch.

You're going to make
some girl very happy.

And I am going
to help you find her.

Well, good luck.

I mean, maybe new york's
just too big a town.

I mean, there's millions
of people in this city.

How, in all this mess,

Is a guy supposed to find
the love of his life?

I mean, where do you even begin?

Hi.

Have you met ted?

( Music rises over dialogue )