How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Sweet Taste of Liberty - full transcript

Ted:
So there was this one night
before I met your mother,

When I really wanted
to go to the bar.

The bar...
Big surprise.

You sure spent
a lot of time in bars.

Ted:
Well, that's just
we did back then.

Me, marshall and lily,

Barney,

We all used to hang out
at this one bar

Called mcclaren's.

But then, one night...

Why don't we go to mcclaren's?

Let's go to mcclaren's.

You guys talking to each other?

Nobody's listening?

What's wrong with mcclaren's?

Mcclaren's is bore-snore.

Ted, tonight
we're going to go out.

We're going to meet some ladies.

It's going to be legendary.

Phone five.

Ted:
I had no idea why I hung out
with barney.

You didn't phone five, did you?

I know when you don't
phone five, ted.

Come on. We always
to go to mcclaren's.

Yeah, 'cause mcclaren's is fun.

Mcclaren's is this much fun.

What I'm offering is the chance
to have... This much fun.

See, you say that.

You say it's going to be
this much fun,

But most of the time it ends up
being this much fun.

This much fun is good.

It's safe. It's guaranteed.

This hand gesture thing

Doesn't really
work on the phone, does it?

No, it doesn't.

( Tires squealing )

Get in the cab.

Marshall, you, too.

I think lily and I
are just going to...

I understand.
Get in the cab.

Why can marshall say no?

Uh, because he's getting laid.

Consistently.

Ted, ted, ted...

You keep going to the same bar.

You're in a rut.

And I am a rut-buster.

I'm going to bust your rut.

It's not a rut, okay?

It's a routine, and I like it.

Ted, what's the first syllable
in "rut-tine"?

Peace out, suckers.

All right, so what's
this legendary plan?

First we've got to pick
someone up at the airport.

Okay, I'm out of here.
Estaban, doors.

( Doors locking )

Okay, we just do
this one little thing,

And the rest
of the night is ours.

Why do you have those suitcases,

And who are we picking up?

I don't know.
Maybe her.

Or her.

( Chuckles )

Wait, so when you said
you were going

To pick someone up
at the airport,

You meant you were going
to "pick someone up"

At the airport?

Scenario:

A couple of girls fly into town

Looking for a fun
weekend in nyc,

When the meet

Two handsome
international
businessmen

Just back from
a lucrative trip
to japan.

Sample dialogue:

"you have a wheelie bag?

Well, I have
a wheelie bag."

You've got to be kidding me.

False.

Sidebar... Tuck in your shirt.

You look sketchy.

I'm sketchy?

Trust me, it's going
to be legendary.

Don't say "legendary," okay?

You're too liberal
with the word "legendary."

We're building an igloo
in central park.

It's going to be legendary.

Snowsuit up!

Ted, ted, ted...
Right here.

This is happening.

Now you can either put the
bags on the carousel now,

Or you can listen to me give you

A really long speech

Convincing you to put
the bags on the carousel.

Your move.

Ted, since the dawn of time...

Mankind has struggled...

That night, marshall had
a ton of studying to do.

So lily went out with robin...

Who was new to new york
and looking for a friend.

I'm so glad we finally get
to hang out, just the two of us.
Yeah.

You sure you're okay giving up
your Friday night

To hang with an old,
almost married lady?

Oh, please.

I'm so sick of the
meat market scene.

Guys are like the subway.

You miss one, another one
comes along in five minutes.

Unless it's the end of the night
and then you get on anything.

Hey-oh!

Compliments of that guy.

Really?

Sweet.

Oh, for you it's $6.

Oh, yes, that's one drawback
to being engaged.

I'm sure that's why he didn't...

Hey.

Oh, hello.

So, uh... Did you just
get in from detroit?

Japan.

Okay, carousel 4 is tapped out.

Ready? Because I'm about
to drop some knowledge.

Cute girls are not from buffalo.

Time-out, 10:00.

You ready to rock this, tedder?

All right, I think we need

To refine our
back story first.
How did we...?

Ted, you klutzy great guy you.

Hey, I'm barney.

Hi.
My god, are you okay?

I am so sorry.

It's fine. No, you were
shaky on your landing.

I give you a 9.2.

Ooh.

Hi. I'm ted.

Look, I'm really sorry
that we have to hit and run,

But we've got a plane to catch.

Where you headed?
Philadelphia.

Philly? That's where
we're headed.

You are?

Well, then we'll
see you on the plane.

Yes, you will.

Follow them.
Ticket's on me.

No. Barney!

Don't you get on that escalator!

And don't you dare get
on that subsequent escalator!

( Drawling ):
Studying law.

♪ Making a responsible
choice for my future ♪

♪ On Friday night

♪ being a lawyer
had better be awesome. ♪

( Phone ringing )

Whazzup, ted?

Are you all right?

Yeah.

Hey, guess where I am.

I'm on a... Ready?
Plane to... Ready?

Philadelphia.

That is awesome.

Hey, is that marshall?

Marshall, stop
whatever you're doing,

Get in that hoopty-ass
fiero of yours

And come meet us in philly.

It's going to be legendary.

Man, I wish I could, guys...

I sent you some pictures
on my phone. Check it.

Philly.

Admit it:
You're having fun.

This much fu...

35,000 feet of fun.

Well, I didn't think
I'd be flying
to philadelphia

When I woke up this morning,
I'll give you that.

Attaboy.

Let's go talk to those girls.

Whoa, whoa, the
seat belt sign's on.

Ted, you've been living
your whole life in a seat belt.

It's time to unclick.

Sir, the seat belt light's on.

Yeah. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Well, I grew up in park slope.

Oh, I love park slope.

When did you move to manhattan?

You're from park slope?

Uh, no, she is.

So where are you from?

Heaven?

Yeah, I'm a ghost.

I died 15 years ago,
like that pickup line.

Hey-oh!

God, I'm so sorry.

Oh, believe me, I've been there.

I have this line
that I use
when guys come...

Check it out.

Hey...

You take this one.

I'll save it for the next one.

( Chuckles )

So what brings
you guys to philly?

We're visiting our boyfriends.

I think hers is going
to propose this weekend.

Isn't that great?

So great.

So there we were:

Stuck on an airplane
to philadelphia

With two very un-single girls,

All thanks to your uncle barney.

Aren't they cute?

They're both linebackers
for the eagles.

( Coughs) both?

Both of their boyfriends

Are linebackers.

You're going to philly?
Why?

( Clearing throat )

I didn't ask.

Well, it's sounds like you're
having a lot more fun than I am.

I'm just talking to guys backs

While they hit on robin.

Yeah, I bet she gets that a lot.

Don't you bet I get that a lot?

Not with a ring on your finger.

I mean, you know,
guys see the ring,

It's like ka-chong,
marshall parking only.

Oh, of course.

That's it, the ring.

I guess I'm not used to it yet.

Oh, it's totally the ring.

If you took that ring
off your finger,

You'd have a ton of guys
crowding your junk.

I'm not gonna take off my ring.

Wouldn't you be jealous

Of guys swarming
all over my beeswax?

Oh, yeah, you know me...

I'm the jealous type.

Any goon so much as looks
at you,

I'll sock him in the kisser.

No. Seriously, you girls have
a good time tonight.

Bye.

Robin!

Robin!

Hey, I'm over here.

♪ G-g-goin' to philly!

Marshall, don't come to philly.

But we're on an adventure.

We're on a tarmac
in philadelphia.

Crazy...
Adventure.

Fine.

No! No!

The night has just started.

Look, airport bar.

Flight attendants.

They'll get your tray table
in its full upright position.

Say what?!

Passengers mosby and stenson,
please come with us, gentlemen.

Keep your hands
where I can see them.

Barney, I am going to kill you.

Don't say
you're gonna kill someone

In front of airport security.

Not cool, not cool.

This is an outrage!

We are international businessmen

On very important
international
business trip.

I demand you release
us immediately!

You demand?!
No, no, no, no, no.

He does not demand.

We-we-we-we have no demands.

Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you
to remain calm.

Okay. Yeah, I'm calm.

I'm totally calm.

We've got footage of you
placing two bags

On jfk carousel 3,

And abandoning them

To purchase a last-minute flight
with cash.

Those bags were your
responsibility.

They were your bags!

Sir, please.

We're assessing

The bag situation.

( Crackling whirring )

Look, this is all just...

It's a misunderstanding.

Please.

We are international
businessmen.

My colleague accidentally
left the bags there.

Now, please let us go

Before we miss
our international
business meeting.

Can't remember the last time

I saw an international
businessman

With an untucked shirt.

In addition, we received

This footage
taken over the
last few months.

Believe it or not, that
duffel bag thing worked.

The truth is, my friend...

He does this thing
where he goes to airports

With fake luggage
to pick up girls,

And we followed some here
to philadelphia.

That-that-that's it.
That's all this is.

Nobody's that lame.

Yes, he's that lame.

Tell him you're that lame.

We are international
businessmen.

Oh, come on!

Sir, lower your voice, or I will

Restrain you.

Dude, seriously, relax.

We at least get
to call our lawyer.

Exactly!

We have a lawyer?

Listen to me...
you're both american citizens.

Don't let him pull
any patriot act voodoo.

You both retain the right

To refuse
to answer any questions

So don't say anything
until I get there, all right?

Okay. Good-bye.

♪ Philly!

♪ The adventure continues

♪ destroy!

It's ridiculous in here.

Why don't we go somewhere else?

No, this place is great.

What are you doing?

What?

With your lips and everything?

My lips are always like this.

You had to play the race card.

Oh, relax, ted.

We didn't do anything wrong.

And, b.T.W., we'd be
out of here by now

If you had tucked in your shirt.

Go ahead, jfk.

What is the baggage status?

They're clean.

It's just a whole bunch
of condoms.

And a powerbar.

You're free to go.

Ted:
Don't come to philly.

Man, I'm almost halfway there.

Yeah, we just got released

And we're heading back
on the next flight.

Uh, meet us at mcclaren's.

Maybe we can still make
last call.

Can't we just, just...

No, we can't just.
We're going home.

We're going to sasha's.

Who the hell is sasha?

Sasha.

She's having friends over
for drinks at her house.

It's gonna be legen...
Wait for it...

And I hope you're not
lactose-intolerant

'cause the second half
of that word is... Dary!

No.

Legendary.

Legendary. That sounds awesome.

No, marshall, we're going back.

Fine.
Hold on. I have another call.

( Beep)

Hello?

Marshall, we're
going to sasha's.

No, we're not.

Ted, ted, ted.
Right here.

Yes, we are.

( Beep)

Sorry, buddy...
two against one.

Ooh, look, a booth opened up.

Really?

Yeah, I thought we could

Finally go talk...
And you're not

Listening to me, so I'm
going to walk away.

Yeah, yeah, booth.

Hey.

Hey.

I'm engaged.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I took my ring off.

It's very, very sweet of you

To come over and talk to me,
but I just...

Yeah, I'm gay.

I just came over to let you know

That you sat on a grape.

Oh, damn it.

Ted:
So barney and I hit the town.

Philadelphia, pa.

Our first and only stop:
Sasha's party.

( tv blaring )

So, uh...

You're sasha's friends, huh?

You know it.

( Whispering):
You guys, keep
the volume down.

You're gonna wake my grandpa.

Who wants hard lemonade?

Philly!

Shh!
( softly):
Philly.

Back at the bar,
girls' night out

Wasn't going as robin had hoped.

( cell phone ringing )

Lily's phone.

Robin, uh, where's lily?

She's, uh...

Is she talking to some hot guy?

Oh, you can tell me.

It's totally cool.
It was my idea.

Hell, I told her
she could take the ring off.

Really?

Well, I thought
it was kind of weird,

But if you're cool with it,
yeah, uh, it's off,

And she's talking to some guy.

Do you want me to go over and...

No, don't interrupt.

It's awesome.

So, the ring's really off, huh?

It's awesome.

Well, just tell her I called.

And tell her that
she is... Awesome.

♪ Really, really awesome

( weakly ):
♪ our relationship
is built on mutual trust ♪

I can't breathe.

( Iaughing )

You hear that, ted?

Dana works security
at the liberty bell.

I do okay.

Wow, it must be really well
cordoned off over there.

Do you ever go behind
the rope and touch it?

Only all the time.

You ever, like, stick
your head inside it?

Yeah.

You ever lick it?

Nope.

I have never licked it.

Hmm.

I bet nobody in history has
ever licked the liberty bell.

If someone were
to pull that off,

I dare say it would be...
What's the word?

Well, this is my stop.

Legendary.

Ted, legendary.

Barney, I'm going
to the airport.

Sasha, thank you, and, uh,

Tell your grandpa I'm sorry

I walked in on him
in the bathroom.

I'll get some club soda
for that stain.

Lily, I thought tonight
was about us hanging out.

Just fending off the advances
of that totally hot guy.

Dude, I think that guy is gay.

Oh, I know that guy is gay.

It's just, marshall and I have
been together for nine years.

I haven't been single
since high school.

You want to be single?

You want to fight off
loser guys all night?

Does that seem like fun to you?

I guess I just wanted to throw
this net back into the ocean

And see how many fish
I could catch.

So far, one.

One gay dolphin.

And marshall.

Lily, all these
girls here tonight

Are all hoping to catch
what you've already got.

You're right. I know.

Hey, do you want
to go get coffee

And have an actual conversation?

If by "coffee"
you mean "cheesecake," then yes.

Hey, I got that club soda.

Let's see that booty.

Oh, thank you so much.

You want to mess, pal?

That's my fiancée's hot backside
that you're dabbing.

Marshall, no.

Baby, please, don't ever
take that ring off again,

No matter how awesome
I say that it is.

It's okay, man...
Back off, hombre!

I'm not that afraid
to fight you.

You want to test

This guy, be my guest, come on.

Marshall, he's gay.

Oh, thank god. I've never
been in a fight before.

You don't say.

Ted:
So, it turned out

Uncle marshall
really was the jealous type.

Unfortunately,
that guy's boyfriend...

Also the jealous type.

Hey!

Could have licked
the liberty bell.

We're going to the airport.

Bong...

Bong... Bo...

Why do I hang out
with you? Why?

All I wanted was
to have a regular beer

At my regular bar
with my regular friends

In my regular city.

Ted, ted, ted.

You're not even looking.

No, I'm not.

Look, our forefathers died for
the pursuit of happiness, okay?

Not for the sit around
and wait of happiness.

Now, if you want,

You can go to the same bar,
drink the same beer,

Talk to the same people
every day,

Or you can lick
the liberty bell.

You can grab life by the crack
and lick the crap out of it.

That was beautiful, man.

Thanks, leonard.

Ted, you're missing out
on a valuable life lesson here.

Look, I don't need you
to teach me how to live, okay?

I know how to live.

If you want to go
lick the liberty bell,

Just go lick it yourself.

No, it has to be the two of us.

Why? Why do you
need me?

Because you're
my best friend, all right?

You don't have
to tell me I'm yours,

But the way I see it,
we're a team.

Without you, I'm...

I'm just the dynamic uno.

So, fine, if you
want to go home,

Then we'll go home.

( Sighs )

Fine.

We'll go lick the liberty bell.

Good 'cause we're here.

I had no idea how barney

Redirected the cab
without me knowing,

And by god,
we licked the liberty bell.

You know what it tastes like?

What?

Freedom.

No, actually, it tastes
like pennies.

Oh, my god.

Did you guys really do that?

We really did.

And that was when I realized
why I hung out with barney.

I never got where I thought
I wanted to go,

So, that girl
you were talking to...

That was mom?

Kids, every story
in a man's life

Is like a dot
in an impressionist painting...

So that's a no?

Yeah, that's a no.

( Kids sighing)
what?! Come on...!