How I Met Your Father (2022–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Episode #2.3 - full transcript
♪ Upbeat theme playing ♪
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪
- Son, when you're young
and dating in New York,
friend groups can become
pretty incestuous.
Now, this is kind of a spoiler,
but by the time I turned 40,
I had kissed literally
all of my friends.
Oh, Mom.
- Please. Your theater camp
pals were just as horny
and way less hot.
And when things get
weird enough, sometimes,
you have to hit
the reset button.
Wait. You
even kissed Aunt Ellen?
Did... I... stutter?
- I still can't believe
someone bought my photo.
Pinch me, Naomi!
No.
The couple that bought
it wants to have you over
to their penthouse for dinner
tonight to hear about the piece.
Oh, my God. Do I
just, like, sell art
and go to penthouses
now? What is my life?
This is how careers
start, Sophie.
The buyers brag to their rich
friends about meeting you.
Those rich friends want to
buy your work, and boom.
You're at the Met Gala wearing
a bird's nest as a hat.
Okay, are there actual
birds in the hat?
Of course.
They'll parody it on SNL.
That's gonna be so embarrassing.
- Oh, and they want you to
bring your model to dinner.
Cool. We're in.
I'm out!
Rich strangers summoning two
unsuspecting fools to their towers?
The start of no less than,
like, five horror movies.
- Please. Th-they just
wanna ask us some questions.
- Oh, you mean exactly like
the plot of The Questioning?
- It's gonna be super fun. They
have a really nice penthouse...
- Hm, like Vera Farmiga and
Pablo Schreiber in The Penthouse.
You ever heard of a book, bro?
Oh, yeah! Like
you've read a book.
Oh, I own several.
- Uh-huh.
- The point is...
- Mm-hmm?
This could be big for my career.
And friends help each other out.
And that's what we are.
Friends. We're totally friends.
- The fact you keep
repeating we're friends
makes me think we're
actually mortal enemies.
- I know that things are
weird between us right now,
but if I have any
points left with you,
I'd like to cash them in.
Fine. Fine. I'll go.
- For safety.
- You're not bringing that.
- You're right. It would totally
just get used against me.
And I'm pretty sure
that's everything.
- I didn't realize I kept so
much stuff here. What's in this?
Uh, your air fryer
and the cat toys
that you play with when
you're on shrooms.
- Ooh, it's fun when
I'm not on shrooms, too.
- Rachel and I have a reservation
for four at Bar Pacifica,
but her friends just
bailed because they got
last-minute tickets to
Flubber: The Musical.
♪ Just when things
couldn't be bleaker ♪
♪ I made my best
friend in a beaker ♪
♪ Flubber, I love... ♪
- Lin-Manuel Miranda really
needs to learn how to say no.
Wait, you got into Bar Pacifica?
If I find a date, can I come?
- Oh. You're ready to get
back out there, are you?
Very cool? Fun.
- Do you really think you
can get a date by tonight?
Got one!
- Wonderful. You know, I
actually also have that app.
No.
Yeah. As if.
Eh, she'll do.
Sweetie, that's my phone.
- Okay. So, in two
weeks, you come see me,
which will cost us...
- Everything we have to our name.
- Let's just try miles.
We have enough miles for...
a subscription to Delta's
in-flight magazine.
- Ooh, wait. Is that my boy
Josh Groban? Good for him.
Landing the cover of
Sky Magazine. Nice.
- I knew we shouldn't have
spent money on that banner.
Hm...
Hey, lovebirds!
Good news.
I have found a lovely
woman on an app
to go out with tonight.
- Okay!
- Wow!
- Care to come with me
and make it a double?
- Oh.
- Thanks, man, but we're, like,
deep in long-distance
relationship logistics.
I'm not just casually
asking, am I? I am begging.
Please. I am hanging on by an
emotional thread right now,
and a one-on-one dinner with a
complete stranger might break me.
What if she doesn't
ask me any questions?
What if she asks me
too many questions?
What if her answers to my questions
aren't in the form of a question?
- Okay, fine. We'll come.
- Brilliant! Thank you so much.
Oh, my God. Is that Josh
Groban? He looks fantastic.
Hello!
You must be Sophie, the artiste.
- Hm.
- That is me, isn't it?
That would make you
Jesse, the model.
And that would make you...
Warren, the rich guy.
I am so rich.
Please, come in.
And this lovely woman carrying
the tray of bison carpaccio
- is my wife, Megan.
- Welcome.
Let me know if you need
a bib for the blood.
- I'm sorry, is-is that
a-a platter of raw meat?
- Yes. The mouth-feel is so...
Mm. Wet and sensual.
- Yeah, um, th-that's, uh...
- So interesting!
- We'd love to try some.
- I'm good.
Yeah, at trying new
things.
Eat the bison, man.
Hm? Hm.
- Oh!
- Wow!
It's...
just like sushi.
But with more veins.
- Way more veins.
- Mm-hmm.
The chunky bits are
actually cartilage.
You know what? Why
don't I whip up
you menfolk some Manhattans?
Oh!
I better go supervise,
make sure she doesn't
screw anything up.
Women.
Ah! Ah!
Ah! This is so much
worse than The Penthouse.
This is The Penthouse
Chapter 2: The Penthousening.
Is that even a real movie?
Nikki Hilton was
in it, so... no.
Okay. I know this
is a little odd.
Okay? But, w-we have to be
nice to these people, alright?
Because after tonight, I
am gonna be one step closer
to owning a bird hat.
- Okay, first of all, there's no
way a hat would stay on a bird.
Secondly, we need to
get out of here, okay?
Because Warren and Megan
are clearly cannibals.
No, they're not.
They're eccentric.
Yeah, that's probably
what this guy said
right before we got turned
into an amuse-bouche.
- Hi. Here for a
reservation under Charlie.
Hi. I'm Hannah. This
is my husband, Sid.
- You must be Alice?
- Yes. Pleasure.
Do you know if they give
you free bread here?
Probably...
Famous last words.
Hey, so t-tell
us about yourself, Alice.
Like, what do you...
what do you do?
- Oh. Uh, so I run an
airline rewards program.
Hand out miles,
change blackout dates.
I'm basically Wizard of Oz of the
sky. Who's behind the curtain? Me.
I'm sorry. I can't stop
thinking about this bread thing.
- Oh, my God. She's the
answer to all our problems.
She and Charlie start dating.
She becomes part of the crew.
She gives us all those
sweet, sweet miles.
Mm. Bam. Love that.
- One problem.
- Hm?
She is... really weird.
No, she isn't. She's amazing.
You hear me? She's amazing.
Oh.
Okay.
Hey, guys.
What?
Oh, is this too much?
Oh, what am I talking about?
Of course, it's too much.
No one in this godforsaken
country wears suits.
Look, I think tonight
was a mistake.
I'm not ready, so if you can
just tell her that I'm sorry...
- I am not telling her
sorry. I am telling you
congratulations, Charlie.
'Cause we just met Alice,
and she is... wow.
- Really?
- Wow!
Yeah. She is a
triumph of a woman.
Ooh!
Oh.
I'm not sharing.
Finders keepers.
- Your photograph spoke to
us on a very deep level.
Oh!
What can I say?
That's what I do.
Because it featured Jesse.
- What?
- Rolling up your sleeves,
fixing that car.
The way the light
hit your forearms,
it was just so...
Hi! Hi.
We just had to
see you in person,
and you do not disappoint.
- You are the perfect
example of the American male.
- To Jesse.
- To Jesse.
And Sophie!
Yay!
- Sure. Congratulations on
capturing what it means to be...
a real man.
Hm... Hm... Hm...
So I don't
think they want to eat us.
They wanna bang us.
Us?
You.
Table for Ellen.
Jinx.
Jinx again.
Triple jinx!
- This is going better than
I could have ever imagined!
Look at us! Three
gals, out on the town.
Just jinxing like
no one's watching.
Oh look! There's my date!
- Val's date that night
was completely forgettable.
I don't remember what he looked
like or what his name was.
So, we'll just call him Rando.
Everyone, this is Rando.
How long have you
guys been together?
- Ten seconds. I just got out
of a serious relationship,
but I move on fast
'cause I'm an Aries.
Yeah, right.
- W-what's funny about that?
- Oh. I-I thought
you were kidding.
You don't really believe
in that nonsense, right?
- If by "that nonsense,"
you mean my birth chart,
beautifully drawn by my
psychic Madame Deborah?
Yeah, I do.
Uh,
I guess because I'm studying
to be a psychologist,
I just believe in real science.
New topic!
Let's all say our favorite
Arnold Schwarzenegger films.
I'll start.
I haven't seen any. Val?
A psychologist, huh?
So, you're what Madame Deborah would
call "a head-shrinking wackjob."
- Hey... Remember when
you guys triple-jinxed?
That was such a
great memory. Huh?
Back at the host stand?
Okay, so I'm gonna sprint home.
No, no, no! You can't leave now.
They're just putting
out dinner.
Just give me one more hour.
- Thirty minutes. And afterwards,
you're buying me a slice of pizza.
- Fine.
- And a... small Coke?
- Sure.
- Still got it.
- Jesse!
- Uh-huh?
Before we eat,
Megan and I would love to
give you a tour of the house.
- Great. I'd love to see
where you hung my photo,
and maybe point out some
spots where others could go.
- Oh, no talking on this
tour. Except for you, Jesse.
You can speak.
You can say anything. Anything.
Short Line, Chance, Park Place,
Luxury Tax, Boardwalk, and
that brings us back to Go.
Wow.
You really memorized the
entire Monopoly board!
Isn't
that cool, Charlie?
Yeah, I suppose so.
You're like a genius.
Do you have a
photographic memory?
Oh, no.
I just, uh, really
made it a priority.
Uh-oh. Anybody see where
the ladies' room is?
These banana daiquiris are
going straight through me.
- You and me both,
girlfriend. I'll go with you.
Boys, order us two
more 'nana daqs.
- I hope we get stalls
right next to each other.
I have to be honest,
I'm not quite seeing what you
and Hannah is seeing in Alice.
Yeah, well, that's
just ridiculous
because you guys got so much
in common. You're both...
right-handed.
- Actually, I'm left-handed.
Mother forced me to be right-handed
because she said the devil was in me.
Still counts. Garçon!
Four banana daiquiris.
And here it is,
Jesse. Your photo.
I record all of my
content in here,
and it makes the
perfect backdrop.
Ooh. What's your content about?
- If I had to boil it
down, I'd say it's about
how men in this country
are under attack.
- A-a-and by under
attack, you mean...
There's a war against men.
A men-ocide, if you will.
I subscribe.
I-I mean, I would subscribe if I was
allowed to have a phone.
- Have you ever considered
that maybe you hate therapy
because you're scared what
you'd learn about yourself?
- Have you ever considered that
you're becoming a therapist
because you wanna get
paid for lying on a couch?
The patients lie on the couch.
- Oh, like you're never
gonna lie on the couch.
Ellen!
Jinx?
Whose team are you on?
Are you Team Science
with your girlfriend,
or are you Team Star
Magic with Valentina
and her street psychic Deborah?
- It's Madame Deborah,
and she has a tent!
Whose side are you on?
Um... Side...
- Who are we kidding? She's
never gonna be able to decide.
Look at this table! She
ordered one of everything.
- Oh, I know. I made her
choose a movie last night,
and we ended up watching a YouTube
video on how to decide what to watch.
Classic Ellen.
Yeah! I did do that!
I can't pick for shit!
Quick! What else
don't we like about me?
Alright. Who's hungry?
- Uh, we will be right
in. I'm just gonna take
a quick photo of Jesse
with his picture to...
celebrate his manhood.
- Right. If she can figure
out how to use the flash,
this... woman.
That's a good one...
Oh, my God, oh,
my God, oh, my God.
Google him, google
him, google him.
Ow! Outer
space is hurting my period!
After the break,
is wiping your butt gay?
- That explains the smell.
- Oh.
We really should have
put this together sooner.
- You are the perfect
example of the American male.
Women!
I am a prominent leader in
the Men's Rights movement.
Really?
Okay, the last one was on me.
All I could think about was
how loud my crunching was.
I can't
believe that my photo
is the face of the
Men's Rights movement.
Okay, well, my face
is the actual face.
So what are we gonna do?
- Okay, the way I see
it, we have two options.
- Okay.
- Option one, we start a podcast
combating Warren's
disinformation,
while also giving our hot
takes on celebrity hairstyles.
Here are mine.
Shawn Mendes, wig.
Tom Holland, wig.
- Jason Statham.
- Bald cap!
What's option two?
- I'm gonna distract
them. You grab my photo.
Okay, I pick that one. Alright?
Do you think I'm wearing a wig?
- I don't know. I've never seen it wet.
- Unbelievable.
She brings her own
toilet seat cover.
Yeah. It's reusable.
How cool is that?
So, Alice...
What do you like to do for fun?
Uh, well, um...
I really like dancing.
Oh!
- Okay!
- Oh yeah! Oh, get it, girl!
No, I cannot do this anymore.
I'm sorry. Alice, I'm not
ready to date anyone right now.
And, to be honest with
you, even if I was...
I'm not sure that you
and I are a good fit.
- Charlie...
- And I just don't understand
why you want me and
Alice to work so badly.
Oh. Yeah,
uh, he's after my miles.
Yeah, I-I could sense it
the second that we met.
Is that true?
Wow.
Pimping me out for miles.
How do you sleep at night?
Yeah. How do you?
Look, it's fine. It happens
to me all the time.
Yeah, anyway, at least
tonight wasn't a total waste.
'Cause I met my new best friend.
Yeah, you did.
Bathroom sisters for life.
- Yeah!
- Alice? Let's roll.
Yeah, we will.
You wanna play Yahtzee at mine?
- Yes!
- Thank God, I hope I get a Yahtzee.
Hey, Warren.
You have inspired me.
I have decided
to set aside my silly career
and focus all of my energy
on finding a husband
who can tell me what to do.
- That is the smartest thing
I've ever heard a woman say.
You have got to be the
next guest on my podcast.
Now, of course, all female guests
are required to wear bikinis, but...
you're cool with that, right?
- Absolutely! I would
love to put on a swimsuit
and tell other women
to quit their jobs!
See? You just get it.
And I love that you're
figuring it out this young.
Before I met Warren,
I wasted years
as the mayor of Baltimore.
What?
You were mayor?
And now, you just...
plate raw meat for
this little bitch?
What?
Sorry, Warren,
but you're a joke.
I mean, men are up to their
thick, hairy necks in rights,
and Jesse is not the
perfect masculine man.
He can't even figure out how to get
that picture off your wall. Look.
- This is so disappointing.
Get that photo out of my house!
I'm trying!
And to think we almost
had sex with you.
Both of us?
- No!
- No! Just him!
That's what I thought...
- Come on. What else
do I do that's silly?
Ellen, we've been
doing this forever.
- Can we talk about something else?
- No.
This is a thing that we
all enjoy talking about,
and we will do it until
it's time to go home.
Okay, I-I'll do one. Uh...
before, when we were fighting,
my heart was beating so fast,
I thought I was gonna pass out.
Ellen, is that
really how you felt?
- I mean, k-kind of.
- It sounds like you have
some really big feelings
around conflict that
you need to unpack.
Yeah. Seriously, El.
Have you ever considered
talking to a psycholog...
- Ha!
- Okay, fine.
Some people have stuff that
can't be fixed by Madame Deborah.
Thank you.
This is so fun!
Who?
Rachel, Ellen, and Valentina
never hung out as a trio again.
But, on the upside, that night,
Ellen went online and
found herself a therapist.
I'll tell you how I screwed
that up for her another time.
Hey. Uh...
Sorry about before.
We acted like selfish jerks.
And to make up for it,
we want you to have this.
It's the perfect
first-date outfit
for when you're actually
ready to get back out there.
- Mm-hmm. Dressy shirts
show that you care,
a pair of jeans so you don't
look like you're trying too hard,
and a pair of tighty-whities because,
brother, I know you can pull it off.
Well, thank you.
Wait, what happened after
you left with Alice?
- I got enough miles
for the next few months.
Don't ask me how.
No, go on. How?
She said don't ask her how!
Did we just eat raw bison
to appease the leader of
the Men's Rights movement?
I'm not ready to
talk about the bison.
Hey, to be fair, we don't
know that he's their leader.
You know, there might be
somebody above him, and then...
maybe you can sell
your photo to that guy.
Okay.
I'm definitely not getting
a bird hat off of tonight.
No.
- But we work well
together. As friends.
Yeah,
I-I couldn't agree more.
Hey,
so if-if I had known,
uh, you were gonna
come back that night,
I wouldn't have called Meredith.
The thing is...
Jesse, just stop. It's...
I get it.
She's the love of
your life, and...
you've gotta give it a shot.
And that's how we
hit the reset button.
Sort of.
Uh, this is Meredith.
You mind if I take this
before we get on the subway?
No problem. Yeah, I'll wait.
♪ Virginia by The
Head and the Heart ♪
♪ December won't
be so forgiving ♪
♪ I'm haunted by a ghost ♪
♪ Of you and my past colliding ♪
No! No! Wait!
But if you lost the
photo, how did it end up back here?
Ah. A story for
another time, kid.
But trust me, I will get to it.
- Hey.
- Hey. How was your night?
Eh.
I found out I sold my
photo to a hatemonger,
and then a taxi
drove away with it.
So, the usual. How about you?
Same. The usual.
Rando!
Damn!
What is your secret?
How are you able to move
on from Charlie so fast?
I always bounce back
quickly with guys.
- Charlie isn't just a guy.
You were in love with him.
Okay, fine.
The truth is I
realized something.
Charlie and I are
gonna end up together.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I mean, sure, we want
different things right now,
but life is long,
and eventually,
somehow, it'll work out.
- So, you're not worried about
him meeting someone else?
No.
Besides, if I know Charlie,
it's gonna be a long time
before he gets back out there.
But
little did Val know,
someone else was hitting
his own reset button.
♪ But I can feel her heart
beating for me, baby ♪
Hi. I'm Charlie.
♪ Virginia don't sound
like she used to ♪
♪ Virginia don't feel
like she used to ♪
♪ But I can feel her heart
beating for me, baby ♪
♪ I know her heart's
beating for me, yeah ♪
♪ I can feel her heart
beating for me, baby ♪
♪ I know her heart's
beating for me, yeah ♪
♪ Virginia don't sound
like she used to... ♪
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪
- Son, when you're young
and dating in New York,
friend groups can become
pretty incestuous.
Now, this is kind of a spoiler,
but by the time I turned 40,
I had kissed literally
all of my friends.
Oh, Mom.
- Please. Your theater camp
pals were just as horny
and way less hot.
And when things get
weird enough, sometimes,
you have to hit
the reset button.
Wait. You
even kissed Aunt Ellen?
Did... I... stutter?
- I still can't believe
someone bought my photo.
Pinch me, Naomi!
No.
The couple that bought
it wants to have you over
to their penthouse for dinner
tonight to hear about the piece.
Oh, my God. Do I
just, like, sell art
and go to penthouses
now? What is my life?
This is how careers
start, Sophie.
The buyers brag to their rich
friends about meeting you.
Those rich friends want to
buy your work, and boom.
You're at the Met Gala wearing
a bird's nest as a hat.
Okay, are there actual
birds in the hat?
Of course.
They'll parody it on SNL.
That's gonna be so embarrassing.
- Oh, and they want you to
bring your model to dinner.
Cool. We're in.
I'm out!
Rich strangers summoning two
unsuspecting fools to their towers?
The start of no less than,
like, five horror movies.
- Please. Th-they just
wanna ask us some questions.
- Oh, you mean exactly like
the plot of The Questioning?
- It's gonna be super fun. They
have a really nice penthouse...
- Hm, like Vera Farmiga and
Pablo Schreiber in The Penthouse.
You ever heard of a book, bro?
Oh, yeah! Like
you've read a book.
Oh, I own several.
- Uh-huh.
- The point is...
- Mm-hmm?
This could be big for my career.
And friends help each other out.
And that's what we are.
Friends. We're totally friends.
- The fact you keep
repeating we're friends
makes me think we're
actually mortal enemies.
- I know that things are
weird between us right now,
but if I have any
points left with you,
I'd like to cash them in.
Fine. Fine. I'll go.
- For safety.
- You're not bringing that.
- You're right. It would totally
just get used against me.
And I'm pretty sure
that's everything.
- I didn't realize I kept so
much stuff here. What's in this?
Uh, your air fryer
and the cat toys
that you play with when
you're on shrooms.
- Ooh, it's fun when
I'm not on shrooms, too.
- Rachel and I have a reservation
for four at Bar Pacifica,
but her friends just
bailed because they got
last-minute tickets to
Flubber: The Musical.
♪ Just when things
couldn't be bleaker ♪
♪ I made my best
friend in a beaker ♪
♪ Flubber, I love... ♪
- Lin-Manuel Miranda really
needs to learn how to say no.
Wait, you got into Bar Pacifica?
If I find a date, can I come?
- Oh. You're ready to get
back out there, are you?
Very cool? Fun.
- Do you really think you
can get a date by tonight?
Got one!
- Wonderful. You know, I
actually also have that app.
No.
Yeah. As if.
Eh, she'll do.
Sweetie, that's my phone.
- Okay. So, in two
weeks, you come see me,
which will cost us...
- Everything we have to our name.
- Let's just try miles.
We have enough miles for...
a subscription to Delta's
in-flight magazine.
- Ooh, wait. Is that my boy
Josh Groban? Good for him.
Landing the cover of
Sky Magazine. Nice.
- I knew we shouldn't have
spent money on that banner.
Hm...
Hey, lovebirds!
Good news.
I have found a lovely
woman on an app
to go out with tonight.
- Okay!
- Wow!
- Care to come with me
and make it a double?
- Oh.
- Thanks, man, but we're, like,
deep in long-distance
relationship logistics.
I'm not just casually
asking, am I? I am begging.
Please. I am hanging on by an
emotional thread right now,
and a one-on-one dinner with a
complete stranger might break me.
What if she doesn't
ask me any questions?
What if she asks me
too many questions?
What if her answers to my questions
aren't in the form of a question?
- Okay, fine. We'll come.
- Brilliant! Thank you so much.
Oh, my God. Is that Josh
Groban? He looks fantastic.
Hello!
You must be Sophie, the artiste.
- Hm.
- That is me, isn't it?
That would make you
Jesse, the model.
And that would make you...
Warren, the rich guy.
I am so rich.
Please, come in.
And this lovely woman carrying
the tray of bison carpaccio
- is my wife, Megan.
- Welcome.
Let me know if you need
a bib for the blood.
- I'm sorry, is-is that
a-a platter of raw meat?
- Yes. The mouth-feel is so...
Mm. Wet and sensual.
- Yeah, um, th-that's, uh...
- So interesting!
- We'd love to try some.
- I'm good.
Yeah, at trying new
things.
Eat the bison, man.
Hm? Hm.
- Oh!
- Wow!
It's...
just like sushi.
But with more veins.
- Way more veins.
- Mm-hmm.
The chunky bits are
actually cartilage.
You know what? Why
don't I whip up
you menfolk some Manhattans?
Oh!
I better go supervise,
make sure she doesn't
screw anything up.
Women.
Ah! Ah!
Ah! This is so much
worse than The Penthouse.
This is The Penthouse
Chapter 2: The Penthousening.
Is that even a real movie?
Nikki Hilton was
in it, so... no.
Okay. I know this
is a little odd.
Okay? But, w-we have to be
nice to these people, alright?
Because after tonight, I
am gonna be one step closer
to owning a bird hat.
- Okay, first of all, there's no
way a hat would stay on a bird.
Secondly, we need to
get out of here, okay?
Because Warren and Megan
are clearly cannibals.
No, they're not.
They're eccentric.
Yeah, that's probably
what this guy said
right before we got turned
into an amuse-bouche.
- Hi. Here for a
reservation under Charlie.
Hi. I'm Hannah. This
is my husband, Sid.
- You must be Alice?
- Yes. Pleasure.
Do you know if they give
you free bread here?
Probably...
Famous last words.
Hey, so t-tell
us about yourself, Alice.
Like, what do you...
what do you do?
- Oh. Uh, so I run an
airline rewards program.
Hand out miles,
change blackout dates.
I'm basically Wizard of Oz of the
sky. Who's behind the curtain? Me.
I'm sorry. I can't stop
thinking about this bread thing.
- Oh, my God. She's the
answer to all our problems.
She and Charlie start dating.
She becomes part of the crew.
She gives us all those
sweet, sweet miles.
Mm. Bam. Love that.
- One problem.
- Hm?
She is... really weird.
No, she isn't. She's amazing.
You hear me? She's amazing.
Oh.
Okay.
Hey, guys.
What?
Oh, is this too much?
Oh, what am I talking about?
Of course, it's too much.
No one in this godforsaken
country wears suits.
Look, I think tonight
was a mistake.
I'm not ready, so if you can
just tell her that I'm sorry...
- I am not telling her
sorry. I am telling you
congratulations, Charlie.
'Cause we just met Alice,
and she is... wow.
- Really?
- Wow!
Yeah. She is a
triumph of a woman.
Ooh!
Oh.
I'm not sharing.
Finders keepers.
- Your photograph spoke to
us on a very deep level.
Oh!
What can I say?
That's what I do.
Because it featured Jesse.
- What?
- Rolling up your sleeves,
fixing that car.
The way the light
hit your forearms,
it was just so...
Hi! Hi.
We just had to
see you in person,
and you do not disappoint.
- You are the perfect
example of the American male.
- To Jesse.
- To Jesse.
And Sophie!
Yay!
- Sure. Congratulations on
capturing what it means to be...
a real man.
Hm... Hm... Hm...
So I don't
think they want to eat us.
They wanna bang us.
Us?
You.
Table for Ellen.
Jinx.
Jinx again.
Triple jinx!
- This is going better than
I could have ever imagined!
Look at us! Three
gals, out on the town.
Just jinxing like
no one's watching.
Oh look! There's my date!
- Val's date that night
was completely forgettable.
I don't remember what he looked
like or what his name was.
So, we'll just call him Rando.
Everyone, this is Rando.
How long have you
guys been together?
- Ten seconds. I just got out
of a serious relationship,
but I move on fast
'cause I'm an Aries.
Yeah, right.
- W-what's funny about that?
- Oh. I-I thought
you were kidding.
You don't really believe
in that nonsense, right?
- If by "that nonsense,"
you mean my birth chart,
beautifully drawn by my
psychic Madame Deborah?
Yeah, I do.
Uh,
I guess because I'm studying
to be a psychologist,
I just believe in real science.
New topic!
Let's all say our favorite
Arnold Schwarzenegger films.
I'll start.
I haven't seen any. Val?
A psychologist, huh?
So, you're what Madame Deborah would
call "a head-shrinking wackjob."
- Hey... Remember when
you guys triple-jinxed?
That was such a
great memory. Huh?
Back at the host stand?
Okay, so I'm gonna sprint home.
No, no, no! You can't leave now.
They're just putting
out dinner.
Just give me one more hour.
- Thirty minutes. And afterwards,
you're buying me a slice of pizza.
- Fine.
- And a... small Coke?
- Sure.
- Still got it.
- Jesse!
- Uh-huh?
Before we eat,
Megan and I would love to
give you a tour of the house.
- Great. I'd love to see
where you hung my photo,
and maybe point out some
spots where others could go.
- Oh, no talking on this
tour. Except for you, Jesse.
You can speak.
You can say anything. Anything.
Short Line, Chance, Park Place,
Luxury Tax, Boardwalk, and
that brings us back to Go.
Wow.
You really memorized the
entire Monopoly board!
Isn't
that cool, Charlie?
Yeah, I suppose so.
You're like a genius.
Do you have a
photographic memory?
Oh, no.
I just, uh, really
made it a priority.
Uh-oh. Anybody see where
the ladies' room is?
These banana daiquiris are
going straight through me.
- You and me both,
girlfriend. I'll go with you.
Boys, order us two
more 'nana daqs.
- I hope we get stalls
right next to each other.
I have to be honest,
I'm not quite seeing what you
and Hannah is seeing in Alice.
Yeah, well, that's
just ridiculous
because you guys got so much
in common. You're both...
right-handed.
- Actually, I'm left-handed.
Mother forced me to be right-handed
because she said the devil was in me.
Still counts. Garçon!
Four banana daiquiris.
And here it is,
Jesse. Your photo.
I record all of my
content in here,
and it makes the
perfect backdrop.
Ooh. What's your content about?
- If I had to boil it
down, I'd say it's about
how men in this country
are under attack.
- A-a-and by under
attack, you mean...
There's a war against men.
A men-ocide, if you will.
I subscribe.
I-I mean, I would subscribe if I was
allowed to have a phone.
- Have you ever considered
that maybe you hate therapy
because you're scared what
you'd learn about yourself?
- Have you ever considered that
you're becoming a therapist
because you wanna get
paid for lying on a couch?
The patients lie on the couch.
- Oh, like you're never
gonna lie on the couch.
Ellen!
Jinx?
Whose team are you on?
Are you Team Science
with your girlfriend,
or are you Team Star
Magic with Valentina
and her street psychic Deborah?
- It's Madame Deborah,
and she has a tent!
Whose side are you on?
Um... Side...
- Who are we kidding? She's
never gonna be able to decide.
Look at this table! She
ordered one of everything.
- Oh, I know. I made her
choose a movie last night,
and we ended up watching a YouTube
video on how to decide what to watch.
Classic Ellen.
Yeah! I did do that!
I can't pick for shit!
Quick! What else
don't we like about me?
Alright. Who's hungry?
- Uh, we will be right
in. I'm just gonna take
a quick photo of Jesse
with his picture to...
celebrate his manhood.
- Right. If she can figure
out how to use the flash,
this... woman.
That's a good one...
Oh, my God, oh,
my God, oh, my God.
Google him, google
him, google him.
Ow! Outer
space is hurting my period!
After the break,
is wiping your butt gay?
- That explains the smell.
- Oh.
We really should have
put this together sooner.
- You are the perfect
example of the American male.
Women!
I am a prominent leader in
the Men's Rights movement.
Really?
Okay, the last one was on me.
All I could think about was
how loud my crunching was.
I can't
believe that my photo
is the face of the
Men's Rights movement.
Okay, well, my face
is the actual face.
So what are we gonna do?
- Okay, the way I see
it, we have two options.
- Okay.
- Option one, we start a podcast
combating Warren's
disinformation,
while also giving our hot
takes on celebrity hairstyles.
Here are mine.
Shawn Mendes, wig.
Tom Holland, wig.
- Jason Statham.
- Bald cap!
What's option two?
- I'm gonna distract
them. You grab my photo.
Okay, I pick that one. Alright?
Do you think I'm wearing a wig?
- I don't know. I've never seen it wet.
- Unbelievable.
She brings her own
toilet seat cover.
Yeah. It's reusable.
How cool is that?
So, Alice...
What do you like to do for fun?
Uh, well, um...
I really like dancing.
Oh!
- Okay!
- Oh yeah! Oh, get it, girl!
No, I cannot do this anymore.
I'm sorry. Alice, I'm not
ready to date anyone right now.
And, to be honest with
you, even if I was...
I'm not sure that you
and I are a good fit.
- Charlie...
- And I just don't understand
why you want me and
Alice to work so badly.
Oh. Yeah,
uh, he's after my miles.
Yeah, I-I could sense it
the second that we met.
Is that true?
Wow.
Pimping me out for miles.
How do you sleep at night?
Yeah. How do you?
Look, it's fine. It happens
to me all the time.
Yeah, anyway, at least
tonight wasn't a total waste.
'Cause I met my new best friend.
Yeah, you did.
Bathroom sisters for life.
- Yeah!
- Alice? Let's roll.
Yeah, we will.
You wanna play Yahtzee at mine?
- Yes!
- Thank God, I hope I get a Yahtzee.
Hey, Warren.
You have inspired me.
I have decided
to set aside my silly career
and focus all of my energy
on finding a husband
who can tell me what to do.
- That is the smartest thing
I've ever heard a woman say.
You have got to be the
next guest on my podcast.
Now, of course, all female guests
are required to wear bikinis, but...
you're cool with that, right?
- Absolutely! I would
love to put on a swimsuit
and tell other women
to quit their jobs!
See? You just get it.
And I love that you're
figuring it out this young.
Before I met Warren,
I wasted years
as the mayor of Baltimore.
What?
You were mayor?
And now, you just...
plate raw meat for
this little bitch?
What?
Sorry, Warren,
but you're a joke.
I mean, men are up to their
thick, hairy necks in rights,
and Jesse is not the
perfect masculine man.
He can't even figure out how to get
that picture off your wall. Look.
- This is so disappointing.
Get that photo out of my house!
I'm trying!
And to think we almost
had sex with you.
Both of us?
- No!
- No! Just him!
That's what I thought...
- Come on. What else
do I do that's silly?
Ellen, we've been
doing this forever.
- Can we talk about something else?
- No.
This is a thing that we
all enjoy talking about,
and we will do it until
it's time to go home.
Okay, I-I'll do one. Uh...
before, when we were fighting,
my heart was beating so fast,
I thought I was gonna pass out.
Ellen, is that
really how you felt?
- I mean, k-kind of.
- It sounds like you have
some really big feelings
around conflict that
you need to unpack.
Yeah. Seriously, El.
Have you ever considered
talking to a psycholog...
- Ha!
- Okay, fine.
Some people have stuff that
can't be fixed by Madame Deborah.
Thank you.
This is so fun!
Who?
Rachel, Ellen, and Valentina
never hung out as a trio again.
But, on the upside, that night,
Ellen went online and
found herself a therapist.
I'll tell you how I screwed
that up for her another time.
Hey. Uh...
Sorry about before.
We acted like selfish jerks.
And to make up for it,
we want you to have this.
It's the perfect
first-date outfit
for when you're actually
ready to get back out there.
- Mm-hmm. Dressy shirts
show that you care,
a pair of jeans so you don't
look like you're trying too hard,
and a pair of tighty-whities because,
brother, I know you can pull it off.
Well, thank you.
Wait, what happened after
you left with Alice?
- I got enough miles
for the next few months.
Don't ask me how.
No, go on. How?
She said don't ask her how!
Did we just eat raw bison
to appease the leader of
the Men's Rights movement?
I'm not ready to
talk about the bison.
Hey, to be fair, we don't
know that he's their leader.
You know, there might be
somebody above him, and then...
maybe you can sell
your photo to that guy.
Okay.
I'm definitely not getting
a bird hat off of tonight.
No.
- But we work well
together. As friends.
Yeah,
I-I couldn't agree more.
Hey,
so if-if I had known,
uh, you were gonna
come back that night,
I wouldn't have called Meredith.
The thing is...
Jesse, just stop. It's...
I get it.
She's the love of
your life, and...
you've gotta give it a shot.
And that's how we
hit the reset button.
Sort of.
Uh, this is Meredith.
You mind if I take this
before we get on the subway?
No problem. Yeah, I'll wait.
♪ Virginia by The
Head and the Heart ♪
♪ December won't
be so forgiving ♪
♪ I'm haunted by a ghost ♪
♪ Of you and my past colliding ♪
No! No! Wait!
But if you lost the
photo, how did it end up back here?
Ah. A story for
another time, kid.
But trust me, I will get to it.
- Hey.
- Hey. How was your night?
Eh.
I found out I sold my
photo to a hatemonger,
and then a taxi
drove away with it.
So, the usual. How about you?
Same. The usual.
Rando!
Damn!
What is your secret?
How are you able to move
on from Charlie so fast?
I always bounce back
quickly with guys.
- Charlie isn't just a guy.
You were in love with him.
Okay, fine.
The truth is I
realized something.
Charlie and I are
gonna end up together.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I mean, sure, we want
different things right now,
but life is long,
and eventually,
somehow, it'll work out.
- So, you're not worried about
him meeting someone else?
No.
Besides, if I know Charlie,
it's gonna be a long time
before he gets back out there.
But
little did Val know,
someone else was hitting
his own reset button.
♪ But I can feel her heart
beating for me, baby ♪
Hi. I'm Charlie.
♪ Virginia don't sound
like she used to ♪
♪ Virginia don't feel
like she used to ♪
♪ But I can feel her heart
beating for me, baby ♪
♪ I know her heart's
beating for me, yeah ♪
♪ I can feel her heart
beating for me, baby ♪
♪ I know her heart's
beating for me, yeah ♪
♪ Virginia don't sound
like she used to... ♪