How I Met Your Father (2022–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Episode #2.2 - full transcript
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪
Honey, um...
There's something you
should know about your mom.
I'm a dirty liar.
Oh, my God.
Is this endless story you're
telling not even true?
Of course, it is!
I quit lying last
year when I turned 40.
- Mom...
- Don't.
But back in the day,
compulsive lying,
well, it was kind of my jam.
Especially when I
was feeling insecure.
And waiting to hear from the
gallery if my photos sold
was making me hella insecure.
- You know you can actually
get a ticket for that.
It's called
"distracted walking."
- Oh, I forgot you
minored in sidewalk law.
Plus, I am not even distracted.
That yoga class
really centered me.
Oh, excuse me.
Pardon me.
Sorry. Important call.
Life-changing moment! Sorry!
Hello? Uh-huh.
Really? That's amazing.
Thank you so much
for the phone call.
Turns out, that wasn't my phone.
But, uh, Brooke, your dog's
operation was a success.
Wait, is that...
Meredith!
This is not how I wanted
to meet her. I look gross!
She's a pop star whose
single is breaking out,
and I'm a struggling photographer whose
face is breaking out. Look at this!
That was a piece of nougat.
- Yeah, so it's all been
kind of a whirlwind.
I did the Today show yesterday,
I'm doing The Tonight Show tomorrow,
and Last Week Tonight next week.
- Plus, she's got The
Late Late Show on Friday,
and then that segment for Sunday
Morning later that afternoon.
- You're a Saturday Night
Live Thursday pre-shoot away
from having the world's
most confusing schedule.
Ugh, come on!
You know, it's been days
since I gave Rachel my number,
and she still has it texted me
yet! But, she has time to tweet
that Sarah Paulson was a
revelation as Roseanne Barr?
That was Sarah Paulson in
The Life and
Unhinging of Roseanne Barr?
What a chameleon!
Oh. Sid, my beer is all foam.
- It's called head, not foam.
- Oh.
- Well then, why'd you
give me so much head?
- Oh!
- Head!
- Clean it up, Meredith.
This is a family bar.
- No worries. I'll take
it. Old J-Boy loves head.
- Ah, love it when you
push the envelope, bro!
What...
Oh hey, what is
Sophie doing outside?
- Babe, you gotta blend. You
look like the clown from It.
- From what?
- From It.
- From what?
- From It!
It is the name of the movie.
What is the name of the movie?!
You know everyone
can see you, right?
You wanna stop being
weird and come inside?
I don't know. It's
gonna be so awkward.
Jesse probably told her about our
thing. I'm sure she's threatened by it.
- Nope. She doesn't care.
- Damn it.
God, that makes
it so much worse.
Of course, Meredith
isn't threatened by me.
She just released Song
of the Year, and I...
I just sold a photo for
a crazy amount of money.
Wow. Good for you!
- Did she sell it?
- No! She's going full Elizabeth Holmes.
- Yeah, it was a huge bidding war
between the Prince of Liechtenstein,
the CFO of Barry's Bootcamp,
and the sisters from Sister
Sister. And just to be clear,
the Sister Sister sisters were not
bidding together as sisters, so...
Like I said,
I had a small lying problem.
- Mom...
- A medium lying problem.
- Mom!
- Okay, fine.
It was a huge
problem, okay?
- Ellen, watching Rachel's door
isn't gonna make her ask you out.
Just like more water isn't gonna
bring back Planthony Hopkins.
- Do you think she
changed her mind about me?
Of course, she did. Am I ugly?
Charlie, you'd tell me
if I was ugly, right?
- Of course. I always tell
ugly people when they're ugly.
Why do you think the fuggo
super won't fix our sink?
You're right. I'm a dime.
It must be my
garbage personality.
Ellen, if your
personality is garbage,
then call me a raccoon
because I love it.
- Aw. Well, then
call me an ambulance
because that compliment
damn near killed me.
- You just need to remind
Rachel how great you are.
So, we are gonna
spruce this place up,
gonna put on our Sunday best,
and then leave the
door playfully ajar.
When Rachel walks by, she won't
be able to resist asking you out.
The only flaw in your plan is
it's so bad in here.
Yes. Should've
had that threesome
with Chip and Joanna Gaines
while I had the chance.
Grilled cheese, coming in hot!
- Yes! This man is a
grilled cheese maestro.
He's like the Eddie
Vedder of cheddar. May I?
- Dude, you never have to
ask about sharing stuff.
- Ooh...
- Food, shampoo, a journal...
- Okay, we've discussed this. I'm
not sharing a journal with you.
- I'm still gonna leave every other
page blank in case you change your mind.
- I'm gonna go get some ranch.
- Yeah, ranch it up, baby!
Mm, yum.
- Hey, hey, hey! Don't even
think about eating one of these.
- These are for me and Jesse.
- Seriously?
- There's, like, six of them.
- Yeah. Yeah!
Two for me. Four for
him. Zero for you.
He's a hungry boy.
Babe, you want ketchup, too?
Uh, yes, please.
- Just give me one, you freak.
- Meredith, stop it.
- Give it to me...
- No! No!
- Come on, I'm hungry, too!
- You don't get
everything you want, sweetie!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
What is happening?
- I don't know. All I did was offer
her a scrumptious grilled cheese.
He's lying! He won't give me one
because you're a hungry boy.
What? Okay.
Can everyone please
just chill out?
Sid, I know you're still mad at
Meredith about the whole proposal thing,
but we're hanging out again,
and it's feeling really good.
Yeah. I've had
issues with Meredith
way before she clowned you
in front of the nation.
- Oh, really? What are they?
- I...
Oh, oh, oh! I have an idea.
When I was writing my album
in Sweden with Taag and Bjorn,
we did a Stor Dela Med Sig,
or airing of grievances,
and it really helped.
What do you think?
Okay, well, counter
pitch to that idea.
Uh, what if instead of airing
those grievances, right,
we just bottle
those bad boys up.
We bury them deep
inside us. Uh, forever.
Mm...
- The Swedish have never
really steered me wrong.
Not on meatballs,
massages, or house mafias.
- Hm.
- I'm in.
- I thought it went gangbusters
with Meredith earlier, no?
Um... Yeah.
Except that literally
everything you said was untrue.
Okay, fine.
I told a couple of
harmless fiblets
to feel better about myself.
But who cares?
And I know you lie about your
age. You do it all the time.
One senior ticket
for the 2:45 Avatar.
That's not a lie.
That is a performance.
That shit takes commitment.
- Ramona. Hey!
- Sophie.
I... I'm in early labor.
I think it's almost time.
- Oh, my God. It's almost time!
- Yeah.
You know Ramona from 5C?
She hired me to
photograph her home birth.
- Oh, so, the landlord will let
her give birth in her apartment,
but I can't own a snake?
- Okay, well, why don't you
grab your stuff and come on up?
The midwife is
running a little late,
so you're fine setting up
the birthing tub, right?
Since you've shot a
bunch of home births.
Okay...
I'm gonna go lay down.
Kinda wish I just texted you.
Sophie. Why does Ramona think
you have so much experience
with home births?
I've shot so many home births,
I could practically perform one.
- Really? 'Cause your portfolio
is mostly corporate headshots
- and pet autopsies.
- Yeah.
That's because a lot of my
clients are pretty high profile.
I mean, it
has been NDA after NDA.
And I can't name names, but...
one of my client's names rhymes
with Schmilaria Schmaldwin.
Or should I say...
Schmilaria!
Sophie!
- Okay, okay, fine.
Okay. So, I lie... a lot.
But not as much as Schmilaria.
I gotta say, this home birth
thing...
- not that hard.
- Soph...
- Oh, shit! Soph...
- What?
There's a pump.
But, now that that's done,
I can get back to what
I actually know about,
which is taking
photos of Ramona's...
vagina.
- Ah!
- Ah!
- Oh, my God, that water's,
like, a thousand degrees.
Okay, okay, okay.
New plan. Um...
She's gonna give
birth on the couch.
And then we're gonna
buy her a new couch,
and then we're gonna spend our
entire lives paying off the couch.
What? Soph, just...
Just tell Ramona you don't
know what you're doing.
- No. I can't. I need
to do a good job here.
- Why? You won't even need gigs
like this once you sell your photo.
What if I never sell it?
What if this is as
good as it gets for me?
- Fine. Let's... Let's
cool down this tub.
No!
No! My lungs are
not ready for that.
Okay, Sid! Grievances time!
- Hey, you know what? Maybe
instead of grievances,
we just do like a compliment circle
instead. Here, I'll go first.
You fine, girl. Okay,
now, it's your turn.
- Let's do this.
- God, they're color-coded?
Okay. I didn't get
to all of them,
but this is a good start.
You sneeze like a toddler.
I have a deviated septum.
Your favorite movie
is La La Land.
- They shut down a
freeway and danced on it.
Your text sound is wind chimes,
you psycho! JESSE: Hey!
- No name-calling, alright?
And these are all very petty.
Maybe we can just
fast-forward to the end.
- Oh, yeah? You wanna
skip to the grand finale?
And I'm talking, of course,
of the Burrito Incident.
What Burrito Incident?
- 'Twas the day of Jesse's first music
recital at the elementary school.
And he'd been working with these
kids for months, preparing.
Unrelated, I just
started lifting.
I was getting swole, I
started doing meal prep.
I made burritos for the week,
each one with fresh salsa,
homemade pinto beans,
and a smidge of love.
As I was leaving for work,
Jesse, you said you were
so excited
for the recital.
And Meredith, you said you were
too sick
to go. Cough, cough.
On my way out, I told you both,
"Don't touch my burritos."
And then, "Smell you later."
So glad you don't
say that anymore.
- Anyway, that night, I
returned home before the recital
because I forgot the
flowers I got Jesse.
And that's when I saw it.
Wednesday.
As I looked closer, I saw
a trail of pinto beans.
And on the other
side of the door...
Oh! Mm!
- I was stuck at home,
starving with a 102 fever,
bummed about missing
the recital and...
I shouldn't have
eaten your food.
I'm sorry.
- Yes! Okay! An apology.
See? That's progress.
Now, please, just
hug and make up.
Okay, as a... as a
child of divorce,
all this conflict is making
me very uncomfortable.
You guys keep at it, you're
gonna have to promise
to take me to Six Flags to make
up for it. And then never do.
And then buy me a
Six Flags T-shirt
and gaslight me into thinking
we went by saying things like,
"Well, if we didn't go, where'd
you get that T-shirt?"
Let's get back to
the Burrito Incident.
- I think we're done with
the Burrito Incident.
You wish, 'Dith! There's more.
Oh, great! There's more!
I'm having a scotch! I'ma do
a scotch. You want a scotch?
You two both look like
you could use a scotch.
Three scotches coming
up! Okey-dokey!
We need to talk.
So? How do I look?
Like a million pounds.
Hey!
- The currency, not
the weight measurement.
- Oh. Aw.
- Now...
for the final step.
We crack the door...
and wait to hook
us a Rachel fish.
So, I
told Cara Delevingne,
"I don't have time to
go to your hotel room.
I'm flying to Mykonos,
business class."
- You mean first class.
- I mean first class!
- Knock, knock!
- Yoo-hoo! Anybody home?
The door was open, so we
figured you wanted company.
- I love what you have
done with the place!
- My God, Ellen, we've
hooked the wrong fish.
Throw them back.
Throw them back.
I'm Julian. This is Maury.
We moved in together
when our wives died.
We don't know if they died.
They just... disappeared.
On safari, 27 years ago!
Man, they found bones!
They found one bone!
We saw the door open.
Building party? Nice!
- Oh, no, we're not having a...
- Building party! Come on
in! The more the merrier!
What are you doing?
If Rachel passes by
and we're talking spousal
remains with Maury and Julian,
then you are as
dead as their wives.
Who wants a spritz?
Okay.
I ran down to our
apartment. I grabbed this.
Yes. Ice!
Nope! Shrimp.
- Did you just pour a shit-ton
of frozen shrimp in a tub
that a woman's about
to give birth in?
- Yeah.
- Why?
The ice trays were empty!
It's fine! We'll just stir them
around to cool down the water,
and then we'll... take
them out with this.
Okay.
So, how was the new Avatar?
- I liked it.
- Worth the wait?
Yeah, I think so.
Good to know.
It's cooler. We did it!
Let's get the shrimp out.
I bet that's the gallery. Oh...
Boy, when the universe
gives, she really gives.
Whoa, whoa!
Hello?
No. No, Arthur,
I don't have time
for a brief survey!
What's going on in here?
And a...
long, happy life.
Hey, Ramona. Uh, I was just...
blessing the birthing
water.
Amen.
Shrimp?
Why are there shrimp in here?
They're birthing shrimp.
It's a scampi-style birth.
No. No, no, it's not.
Sorry, Ramona.
I lied. I am a lying liar who
lies when I feel insecure,
which is pretty much
always these days.
And the thing is, is I've been waiting
for this phone call from the gallery...
- I don't care about
your character flaws
or whatever the gallery
is. This baby is coming,
and my midwife is trapped on
the Roosevelt Island tram!
I mean, there's a
subway and a bridge!
Why the hell would
you take the tram?!
Oh God. Okay.
Alright, calm down.
Uh, we're gonna get
you to the hospital.
- Okay. Hospital.
- Yeah.
No. No hospital. Time to push.
- Okay, well, that's my cue! Peace!
- Val!
Okay, okay! Let's
make a miracle.
- Alright. I don't know what you
think you heard that night, but...
- Oh, I know exactly what I
heard, Meredith. You were...
Shh! Shh.
Okay, please. Look.
It wasn't
my finest moment.
Okay? But, I've
grown since then.
And we're the happiest
we've ever been.
Jesse, your best friend,
is happy.
Don't take that away from him.
- Okay! Shall we get back
to this Swedish hell ritual?
You know what?
I'm actually good.
Yeah, Meredith was
right. I feel better.
- Really? Okay, Meredith?
Anything? Say no.
No. I'm good.
- If only my parents were this
good at conflict resolution.
But, then again, if they were, I
wouldn't have gotten to go to Six Flags
somewhere between 12
and zero times.
Bottom line,
if the price of a safari
seems too good to be true,
then they probably
aren't following
proper safety protocols.
Yeah, but I bet those two
are gonna have some stories
when they come back.
Maury, when we see
our wives again,
we'll know we're in heaven.
'Cause they're dead!
Hey! This actually turned into
- a pretty great party, right?
- Oh, it's a terrific party!
You know, I really
misjudged Julian and Maury.
People can't get enough of them.
Did you know that between them,
they have 94 prescriptions?
- I don't get it. Why haven't the great
vibes lured Rachel through the doo...
Damn it! Who closed the door?
- It was the girl who
lives across the hall.
The one who loves tote bags?
That's Rachel!
She's the whole reason
I pretended to be fun!
Okay, you know what?
Oh, I'm done playing games.
Everybody out!
Um, sweetie, that
was the air purifier.
Okay, Ramona.
Many mistakes were
made here today.
Some by me, some by Valentina.
- Literally every part
of this is your fault.
- Doesn't matter. The
paramedics are on their way,
Okay, and the nice lady
from 911 is going to
talk us through this.
And together, we are
going to give you
the peaceful home
birth of your dreams.
- Okay.
- Okay? Alright, Kristy?
She is in the tub. Talk to us.
Okay, let...
Kristy?
- I can see the head! I
can see the head! Push!
- And do you know what
she named that baby?
Uh, Sophie?
No. Ryleigh.
Spelled R-Y-L-E-I-G-H.
Nightmare.
Okay, here's the deal.
I think it's borderline inhumane
that you haven't texted me yet.
If you don't wanna go out,
just tell me. I can take it.
First of all, hi.
Second of all...
I was gonna text you, but I got
in my head about what to say.
So, I googled "what to say,"
which led me to the video
of Jason Derulo's
smash hit Whatcha Say,
followed by that
scene from The O.C.
set to the Imogen Heap
song that Jason sampled.
Then, the SNL parody
of that scene.
And I was
gonna send that,
but I-I came home, and I
saw you were having a party
and apparently invited everyone
in the building but me.
So, I figured that if you
don't me at your party,
- you definitely don't wanna go out...
- No, no, no, no, no.
I... I just threw that party
to entice you into texting me
by showing you I'm
cool and popular.
Oh, my God.
We're both crazy.
We're insane.
Okay. Great!
- So, I'll text you?
- No!
Texting almost broke us.
How about we go out right now?
Right now's perfect.
Charlie! I know you're watching!
No, I'm not.
We've got a date, people.
Maury, you owe me $60,000.
- Two Blue Moons,
appropriate amount of head.
Thanks.
- I just said I was sick.
It's a kids' recital.
What, am I spending two
hours on the C train
so I can listen to a
bunch of second graders
butcher Hot Cross
Buns on the recorder?
Mm!
And remember
when you were like,
"Push!" And then, she pushed!
And remember when you were like,
"Keep pushing!" And then she did,
- and then a freaking baby came out?!
- Oh, my God!
Wow! Val!
I could have never done that
without you. Like, legit.
- Soph, you are nothing
short of a lying psychopath,
but you're my lying psychopath.
Oh... speaking of...
There's something
I've gotta go do.
Hey, Meredith.
I wanted you to know that my
photo didn't actually sell.
At all.
- Oh.
- But it's fine.
It's fine that it didn't sell.
And that you're pretty
and famous and cool
because I did something
incredible today.
Something even you've never
done. I delivered a baby.
Actually, Meredith
had delivered a baby.
Push!
You can do this! I got you, Jen!
But that's neither
here nor there.
And stupid, classy
Meredith just said...
That's really cool, Sophie.
Oh.
Hello?
Yes.
It did?
Yes! Finally! Oh, oh, oh!
Uh, just one sec. It sold!
In your face, Meredith!
Whoa...
- I'm sorry. I'm just...
I-I'm so excited.
Congratulations,
Sophie. That's great.
I decided from then on,
it was going to be a new,
honest, straightforward me.
Uh, Sophie... Is that...
shrimp in your hair?
Oh! Oh, this?
This is a time-release
leave-in conditioner pellet?
It's injected into a shrimp's
body for added protein.
Obviously, you have no idea
what's going on in the hair world.
I've learned nothing.
♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪
Honey, um...
There's something you
should know about your mom.
I'm a dirty liar.
Oh, my God.
Is this endless story you're
telling not even true?
Of course, it is!
I quit lying last
year when I turned 40.
- Mom...
- Don't.
But back in the day,
compulsive lying,
well, it was kind of my jam.
Especially when I
was feeling insecure.
And waiting to hear from the
gallery if my photos sold
was making me hella insecure.
- You know you can actually
get a ticket for that.
It's called
"distracted walking."
- Oh, I forgot you
minored in sidewalk law.
Plus, I am not even distracted.
That yoga class
really centered me.
Oh, excuse me.
Pardon me.
Sorry. Important call.
Life-changing moment! Sorry!
Hello? Uh-huh.
Really? That's amazing.
Thank you so much
for the phone call.
Turns out, that wasn't my phone.
But, uh, Brooke, your dog's
operation was a success.
Wait, is that...
Meredith!
This is not how I wanted
to meet her. I look gross!
She's a pop star whose
single is breaking out,
and I'm a struggling photographer whose
face is breaking out. Look at this!
That was a piece of nougat.
- Yeah, so it's all been
kind of a whirlwind.
I did the Today show yesterday,
I'm doing The Tonight Show tomorrow,
and Last Week Tonight next week.
- Plus, she's got The
Late Late Show on Friday,
and then that segment for Sunday
Morning later that afternoon.
- You're a Saturday Night
Live Thursday pre-shoot away
from having the world's
most confusing schedule.
Ugh, come on!
You know, it's been days
since I gave Rachel my number,
and she still has it texted me
yet! But, she has time to tweet
that Sarah Paulson was a
revelation as Roseanne Barr?
That was Sarah Paulson in
The Life and
Unhinging of Roseanne Barr?
What a chameleon!
Oh. Sid, my beer is all foam.
- It's called head, not foam.
- Oh.
- Well then, why'd you
give me so much head?
- Oh!
- Head!
- Clean it up, Meredith.
This is a family bar.
- No worries. I'll take
it. Old J-Boy loves head.
- Ah, love it when you
push the envelope, bro!
What...
Oh hey, what is
Sophie doing outside?
- Babe, you gotta blend. You
look like the clown from It.
- From what?
- From It.
- From what?
- From It!
It is the name of the movie.
What is the name of the movie?!
You know everyone
can see you, right?
You wanna stop being
weird and come inside?
I don't know. It's
gonna be so awkward.
Jesse probably told her about our
thing. I'm sure she's threatened by it.
- Nope. She doesn't care.
- Damn it.
God, that makes
it so much worse.
Of course, Meredith
isn't threatened by me.
She just released Song
of the Year, and I...
I just sold a photo for
a crazy amount of money.
Wow. Good for you!
- Did she sell it?
- No! She's going full Elizabeth Holmes.
- Yeah, it was a huge bidding war
between the Prince of Liechtenstein,
the CFO of Barry's Bootcamp,
and the sisters from Sister
Sister. And just to be clear,
the Sister Sister sisters were not
bidding together as sisters, so...
Like I said,
I had a small lying problem.
- Mom...
- A medium lying problem.
- Mom!
- Okay, fine.
It was a huge
problem, okay?
- Ellen, watching Rachel's door
isn't gonna make her ask you out.
Just like more water isn't gonna
bring back Planthony Hopkins.
- Do you think she
changed her mind about me?
Of course, she did. Am I ugly?
Charlie, you'd tell me
if I was ugly, right?
- Of course. I always tell
ugly people when they're ugly.
Why do you think the fuggo
super won't fix our sink?
You're right. I'm a dime.
It must be my
garbage personality.
Ellen, if your
personality is garbage,
then call me a raccoon
because I love it.
- Aw. Well, then
call me an ambulance
because that compliment
damn near killed me.
- You just need to remind
Rachel how great you are.
So, we are gonna
spruce this place up,
gonna put on our Sunday best,
and then leave the
door playfully ajar.
When Rachel walks by, she won't
be able to resist asking you out.
The only flaw in your plan is
it's so bad in here.
Yes. Should've
had that threesome
with Chip and Joanna Gaines
while I had the chance.
Grilled cheese, coming in hot!
- Yes! This man is a
grilled cheese maestro.
He's like the Eddie
Vedder of cheddar. May I?
- Dude, you never have to
ask about sharing stuff.
- Ooh...
- Food, shampoo, a journal...
- Okay, we've discussed this. I'm
not sharing a journal with you.
- I'm still gonna leave every other
page blank in case you change your mind.
- I'm gonna go get some ranch.
- Yeah, ranch it up, baby!
Mm, yum.
- Hey, hey, hey! Don't even
think about eating one of these.
- These are for me and Jesse.
- Seriously?
- There's, like, six of them.
- Yeah. Yeah!
Two for me. Four for
him. Zero for you.
He's a hungry boy.
Babe, you want ketchup, too?
Uh, yes, please.
- Just give me one, you freak.
- Meredith, stop it.
- Give it to me...
- No! No!
- Come on, I'm hungry, too!
- You don't get
everything you want, sweetie!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
What is happening?
- I don't know. All I did was offer
her a scrumptious grilled cheese.
He's lying! He won't give me one
because you're a hungry boy.
What? Okay.
Can everyone please
just chill out?
Sid, I know you're still mad at
Meredith about the whole proposal thing,
but we're hanging out again,
and it's feeling really good.
Yeah. I've had
issues with Meredith
way before she clowned you
in front of the nation.
- Oh, really? What are they?
- I...
Oh, oh, oh! I have an idea.
When I was writing my album
in Sweden with Taag and Bjorn,
we did a Stor Dela Med Sig,
or airing of grievances,
and it really helped.
What do you think?
Okay, well, counter
pitch to that idea.
Uh, what if instead of airing
those grievances, right,
we just bottle
those bad boys up.
We bury them deep
inside us. Uh, forever.
Mm...
- The Swedish have never
really steered me wrong.
Not on meatballs,
massages, or house mafias.
- Hm.
- I'm in.
- I thought it went gangbusters
with Meredith earlier, no?
Um... Yeah.
Except that literally
everything you said was untrue.
Okay, fine.
I told a couple of
harmless fiblets
to feel better about myself.
But who cares?
And I know you lie about your
age. You do it all the time.
One senior ticket
for the 2:45 Avatar.
That's not a lie.
That is a performance.
That shit takes commitment.
- Ramona. Hey!
- Sophie.
I... I'm in early labor.
I think it's almost time.
- Oh, my God. It's almost time!
- Yeah.
You know Ramona from 5C?
She hired me to
photograph her home birth.
- Oh, so, the landlord will let
her give birth in her apartment,
but I can't own a snake?
- Okay, well, why don't you
grab your stuff and come on up?
The midwife is
running a little late,
so you're fine setting up
the birthing tub, right?
Since you've shot a
bunch of home births.
Okay...
I'm gonna go lay down.
Kinda wish I just texted you.
Sophie. Why does Ramona think
you have so much experience
with home births?
I've shot so many home births,
I could practically perform one.
- Really? 'Cause your portfolio
is mostly corporate headshots
- and pet autopsies.
- Yeah.
That's because a lot of my
clients are pretty high profile.
I mean, it
has been NDA after NDA.
And I can't name names, but...
one of my client's names rhymes
with Schmilaria Schmaldwin.
Or should I say...
Schmilaria!
Sophie!
- Okay, okay, fine.
Okay. So, I lie... a lot.
But not as much as Schmilaria.
I gotta say, this home birth
thing...
- not that hard.
- Soph...
- Oh, shit! Soph...
- What?
There's a pump.
But, now that that's done,
I can get back to what
I actually know about,
which is taking
photos of Ramona's...
vagina.
- Ah!
- Ah!
- Oh, my God, that water's,
like, a thousand degrees.
Okay, okay, okay.
New plan. Um...
She's gonna give
birth on the couch.
And then we're gonna
buy her a new couch,
and then we're gonna spend our
entire lives paying off the couch.
What? Soph, just...
Just tell Ramona you don't
know what you're doing.
- No. I can't. I need
to do a good job here.
- Why? You won't even need gigs
like this once you sell your photo.
What if I never sell it?
What if this is as
good as it gets for me?
- Fine. Let's... Let's
cool down this tub.
No!
No! My lungs are
not ready for that.
Okay, Sid! Grievances time!
- Hey, you know what? Maybe
instead of grievances,
we just do like a compliment circle
instead. Here, I'll go first.
You fine, girl. Okay,
now, it's your turn.
- Let's do this.
- God, they're color-coded?
Okay. I didn't get
to all of them,
but this is a good start.
You sneeze like a toddler.
I have a deviated septum.
Your favorite movie
is La La Land.
- They shut down a
freeway and danced on it.
Your text sound is wind chimes,
you psycho! JESSE: Hey!
- No name-calling, alright?
And these are all very petty.
Maybe we can just
fast-forward to the end.
- Oh, yeah? You wanna
skip to the grand finale?
And I'm talking, of course,
of the Burrito Incident.
What Burrito Incident?
- 'Twas the day of Jesse's first music
recital at the elementary school.
And he'd been working with these
kids for months, preparing.
Unrelated, I just
started lifting.
I was getting swole, I
started doing meal prep.
I made burritos for the week,
each one with fresh salsa,
homemade pinto beans,
and a smidge of love.
As I was leaving for work,
Jesse, you said you were
so excited
for the recital.
And Meredith, you said you were
too sick
to go. Cough, cough.
On my way out, I told you both,
"Don't touch my burritos."
And then, "Smell you later."
So glad you don't
say that anymore.
- Anyway, that night, I
returned home before the recital
because I forgot the
flowers I got Jesse.
And that's when I saw it.
Wednesday.
As I looked closer, I saw
a trail of pinto beans.
And on the other
side of the door...
Oh! Mm!
- I was stuck at home,
starving with a 102 fever,
bummed about missing
the recital and...
I shouldn't have
eaten your food.
I'm sorry.
- Yes! Okay! An apology.
See? That's progress.
Now, please, just
hug and make up.
Okay, as a... as a
child of divorce,
all this conflict is making
me very uncomfortable.
You guys keep at it, you're
gonna have to promise
to take me to Six Flags to make
up for it. And then never do.
And then buy me a
Six Flags T-shirt
and gaslight me into thinking
we went by saying things like,
"Well, if we didn't go, where'd
you get that T-shirt?"
Let's get back to
the Burrito Incident.
- I think we're done with
the Burrito Incident.
You wish, 'Dith! There's more.
Oh, great! There's more!
I'm having a scotch! I'ma do
a scotch. You want a scotch?
You two both look like
you could use a scotch.
Three scotches coming
up! Okey-dokey!
We need to talk.
So? How do I look?
Like a million pounds.
Hey!
- The currency, not
the weight measurement.
- Oh. Aw.
- Now...
for the final step.
We crack the door...
and wait to hook
us a Rachel fish.
So, I
told Cara Delevingne,
"I don't have time to
go to your hotel room.
I'm flying to Mykonos,
business class."
- You mean first class.
- I mean first class!
- Knock, knock!
- Yoo-hoo! Anybody home?
The door was open, so we
figured you wanted company.
- I love what you have
done with the place!
- My God, Ellen, we've
hooked the wrong fish.
Throw them back.
Throw them back.
I'm Julian. This is Maury.
We moved in together
when our wives died.
We don't know if they died.
They just... disappeared.
On safari, 27 years ago!
Man, they found bones!
They found one bone!
We saw the door open.
Building party? Nice!
- Oh, no, we're not having a...
- Building party! Come on
in! The more the merrier!
What are you doing?
If Rachel passes by
and we're talking spousal
remains with Maury and Julian,
then you are as
dead as their wives.
Who wants a spritz?
Okay.
I ran down to our
apartment. I grabbed this.
Yes. Ice!
Nope! Shrimp.
- Did you just pour a shit-ton
of frozen shrimp in a tub
that a woman's about
to give birth in?
- Yeah.
- Why?
The ice trays were empty!
It's fine! We'll just stir them
around to cool down the water,
and then we'll... take
them out with this.
Okay.
So, how was the new Avatar?
- I liked it.
- Worth the wait?
Yeah, I think so.
Good to know.
It's cooler. We did it!
Let's get the shrimp out.
I bet that's the gallery. Oh...
Boy, when the universe
gives, she really gives.
Whoa, whoa!
Hello?
No. No, Arthur,
I don't have time
for a brief survey!
What's going on in here?
And a...
long, happy life.
Hey, Ramona. Uh, I was just...
blessing the birthing
water.
Amen.
Shrimp?
Why are there shrimp in here?
They're birthing shrimp.
It's a scampi-style birth.
No. No, no, it's not.
Sorry, Ramona.
I lied. I am a lying liar who
lies when I feel insecure,
which is pretty much
always these days.
And the thing is, is I've been waiting
for this phone call from the gallery...
- I don't care about
your character flaws
or whatever the gallery
is. This baby is coming,
and my midwife is trapped on
the Roosevelt Island tram!
I mean, there's a
subway and a bridge!
Why the hell would
you take the tram?!
Oh God. Okay.
Alright, calm down.
Uh, we're gonna get
you to the hospital.
- Okay. Hospital.
- Yeah.
No. No hospital. Time to push.
- Okay, well, that's my cue! Peace!
- Val!
Okay, okay! Let's
make a miracle.
- Alright. I don't know what you
think you heard that night, but...
- Oh, I know exactly what I
heard, Meredith. You were...
Shh! Shh.
Okay, please. Look.
It wasn't
my finest moment.
Okay? But, I've
grown since then.
And we're the happiest
we've ever been.
Jesse, your best friend,
is happy.
Don't take that away from him.
- Okay! Shall we get back
to this Swedish hell ritual?
You know what?
I'm actually good.
Yeah, Meredith was
right. I feel better.
- Really? Okay, Meredith?
Anything? Say no.
No. I'm good.
- If only my parents were this
good at conflict resolution.
But, then again, if they were, I
wouldn't have gotten to go to Six Flags
somewhere between 12
and zero times.
Bottom line,
if the price of a safari
seems too good to be true,
then they probably
aren't following
proper safety protocols.
Yeah, but I bet those two
are gonna have some stories
when they come back.
Maury, when we see
our wives again,
we'll know we're in heaven.
'Cause they're dead!
Hey! This actually turned into
- a pretty great party, right?
- Oh, it's a terrific party!
You know, I really
misjudged Julian and Maury.
People can't get enough of them.
Did you know that between them,
they have 94 prescriptions?
- I don't get it. Why haven't the great
vibes lured Rachel through the doo...
Damn it! Who closed the door?
- It was the girl who
lives across the hall.
The one who loves tote bags?
That's Rachel!
She's the whole reason
I pretended to be fun!
Okay, you know what?
Oh, I'm done playing games.
Everybody out!
Um, sweetie, that
was the air purifier.
Okay, Ramona.
Many mistakes were
made here today.
Some by me, some by Valentina.
- Literally every part
of this is your fault.
- Doesn't matter. The
paramedics are on their way,
Okay, and the nice lady
from 911 is going to
talk us through this.
And together, we are
going to give you
the peaceful home
birth of your dreams.
- Okay.
- Okay? Alright, Kristy?
She is in the tub. Talk to us.
Okay, let...
Kristy?
- I can see the head! I
can see the head! Push!
- And do you know what
she named that baby?
Uh, Sophie?
No. Ryleigh.
Spelled R-Y-L-E-I-G-H.
Nightmare.
Okay, here's the deal.
I think it's borderline inhumane
that you haven't texted me yet.
If you don't wanna go out,
just tell me. I can take it.
First of all, hi.
Second of all...
I was gonna text you, but I got
in my head about what to say.
So, I googled "what to say,"
which led me to the video
of Jason Derulo's
smash hit Whatcha Say,
followed by that
scene from The O.C.
set to the Imogen Heap
song that Jason sampled.
Then, the SNL parody
of that scene.
And I was
gonna send that,
but I-I came home, and I
saw you were having a party
and apparently invited everyone
in the building but me.
So, I figured that if you
don't me at your party,
- you definitely don't wanna go out...
- No, no, no, no, no.
I... I just threw that party
to entice you into texting me
by showing you I'm
cool and popular.
Oh, my God.
We're both crazy.
We're insane.
Okay. Great!
- So, I'll text you?
- No!
Texting almost broke us.
How about we go out right now?
Right now's perfect.
Charlie! I know you're watching!
No, I'm not.
We've got a date, people.
Maury, you owe me $60,000.
- Two Blue Moons,
appropriate amount of head.
Thanks.
- I just said I was sick.
It's a kids' recital.
What, am I spending two
hours on the C train
so I can listen to a
bunch of second graders
butcher Hot Cross
Buns on the recorder?
Mm!
And remember
when you were like,
"Push!" And then, she pushed!
And remember when you were like,
"Keep pushing!" And then she did,
- and then a freaking baby came out?!
- Oh, my God!
Wow! Val!
I could have never done that
without you. Like, legit.
- Soph, you are nothing
short of a lying psychopath,
but you're my lying psychopath.
Oh... speaking of...
There's something
I've gotta go do.
Hey, Meredith.
I wanted you to know that my
photo didn't actually sell.
At all.
- Oh.
- But it's fine.
It's fine that it didn't sell.
And that you're pretty
and famous and cool
because I did something
incredible today.
Something even you've never
done. I delivered a baby.
Actually, Meredith
had delivered a baby.
Push!
You can do this! I got you, Jen!
But that's neither
here nor there.
And stupid, classy
Meredith just said...
That's really cool, Sophie.
Oh.
Hello?
Yes.
It did?
Yes! Finally! Oh, oh, oh!
Uh, just one sec. It sold!
In your face, Meredith!
Whoa...
- I'm sorry. I'm just...
I-I'm so excited.
Congratulations,
Sophie. That's great.
I decided from then on,
it was going to be a new,
honest, straightforward me.
Uh, Sophie... Is that...
shrimp in your hair?
Oh! Oh, this?
This is a time-release
leave-in conditioner pellet?
It's injected into a shrimp's
body for added protein.
Obviously, you have no idea
what's going on in the hair world.
I've learned nothing.