How I Met Your Father (2022–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript
- Previously on How
I Met Your Father...
- I think I've found the man that I'm
gonna spend the rest of my life with.
I'm moving to Australia.
- We're married!
- Aaah!
What?
Valentina... I don't want kids.
We broke up.
I moved to New
York to start over,
reconnect with my brother.
- Aaaah!
- Whoo!
- Oh, my God, my brother and I...
- Okay, yeah.
- Jesse and I see the
world the same way.
And there's been something
between us since the day we met.
We need to break up.
What?
I love you, Sophie.
- We don't even know if
this is gonna work out.
Got it.
- What did Jesse
do wrong other than
say everything you ever
wanted a guy to say
just faster than you expected.
Hi!
Hi.
Is this a good time?
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪
Mom? Mom! Where are you?
If you don't come back in three
seconds, I'm going to hang up!
Three, two...
Calm down! I'm right here!
God, you're, like,
obsessed with my story.
You said you'd be
right back, and then you vanished.
It felt like a year.
Wait, did you make food?
Spaghetti pomodoro, yes!
I also took a power nap.
Telling a story of this
breadth is exhausting.
Okay, back to the night
of my first gallery show.
Is this a good time?
Um...
I'm back in New York.
I see that.
- I saw your post about the show
and I decided to surprise you.
Surprise!
I hope me showing up
like this is okay.
I mean, I have no idea what's going
on in your life right now. Like...
romantically?
- I considered what a hot
mess my last 48 hours were.
The forbidden kisses.
The break-ups.
The hook-ups.
The sleep "I love you's."
The flame-outs.
The betrayals.
The murders.
Wait, what?
- I killed a rat right
before my gallery show.
It-it's not related to
my horrible love life.
It was just... It was... Well, it was,
you know... It was weighing on me.
Anyway, I was torn.
I mean, his timing,
it was terrible!
But, on the other hand,
I was getting a second shot
with the one that got away.
So, I said...
- There is absolutely nothing
going on with me romantically.
- Great. Can I buy you
a drink after this?
I'd like that.
Excuse me.
I need to steal the
artist and introduce her
to reality!
- What are you doin'?
- What?
- Things with Jesse just ended.
You were really sad about it,
like, five minutes ago.
Are you really ready to
go out with another guy?
- I-I don't know,
but I've already watched Ian
walk out of my life once.
I'm not gonna let him
get away from me again.
And I know that came out
a little bit stalker-y,
but it doesn't matter
because you know what?
He tracked me down at my show,
so who's the stalker now? Ha!
Hey.
Hey.
- So, I wanna hear everything
about your elopement!
Actually...
Congrats.
You're married.
Really? That's it?
- You're not even gonna be like,
"Do you, Sid, take Hannah?"
Who's Sid and Hannah?
Who do you think?
- Oh, my God, I'm gonna have to tell
that story for the rest of my life
- and it...
- Sucks.
And every time we tell it,
everyone's mouth's
gonna be like, "aww."
- Their eyes are gonna be like, "ooh."
- Mm!
- Oh, it's already happening!
Look at their eyes!
Okay...
Okay, it's still
our wedding day.
Let's just... Let's just call
all our friends to the bar
and just have the best
wedding party of all time.
And then that will
become our wedding story.
- Mm-hmm.
Damn! I just got husbanded.
- Hey, maybe you two can
do, like, a couple's roast.
That would be funny.
Just don't mention my
Anna Kendrick Cups phase.
We can't do a couple's
roast because...
we're not a couple anymore.
Wait, what?
- We realized that we
want different things.
So, we're friends now.
- Can you guys really just turn
it off like that? You know,
your dynamic is
incredibly sexual.
You coined the phrase
"Netflix and..."
Th-that's
all in the past.
- We are just buds now.
- Yep.
Total bros. Hug it out, bro?
Bring it in, bro.
- You're hard, bro.
- Oh.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
I'm here! I'm here! I'm here.
Oh, my God. I raced over
as soon as I saw your text.
Holy shit, man! You're
married?! Wha...
W-what about your wedding
a-and your Indian wedding?
A-and why wasn't I there? I mean,
did you have another best man?
Was he Indian? It's
okay if he was. Like...
- I don't even know why I asked that.
- No.
No best man. We eloped.
- Huh? Huh? Just be happy for us, man!
- I am! I am!
Is that Ian?
Yep.
He just got back to town
and came to surprise me.
That's not a problem, is it?
Nope. Why would it be a problem?
- It wouldn't be.
- Great. So there's no problem then.
There's clearly a problem.
Somebody say what's going on.
- Sophie and I decided that
us dating was a bad idea.
Oh, so just friends then.
Word of advice. Don't hug her.
Okay, I don't care who's dating
or who's just friends
or who's hard.
Hannah and I get one wedding
day, and you're our best friends,
so you're all gonna come to the
bar, you're going to act normal,
and you're gonna celebrate
our love, damn it!
There's an open bar.
Hoo-hoo!
Sorry. I was trying to
seamlessly cheer my way in.
I missed the window.
- Hey, you know what? About that
drink, my friends just decided
to throw a last-minute wedding
party at their bar, so...
That sounds like fun! I'm in!
Okay! Everybody
gets a job.
- Jesse, best man toast.
- Woo!
And may I just say that you
chose the best man for the job?
Ha ha ha!
Keep that out of my toast.
Sophie, you're taking photos.
Ooh, I don't have my camera.
- Oh, really? Does your
phone not have a camera?
More snapping, less yapping.
Val, Charlie, you're in
charge of the photo montage.
Now, is that clear, or are you
gonna be a Sophie about it?
- And, of course, thank you all so
much for attending our special day.
- What she said. Ellen,
wedding playlist.
Make sure it has
the Electric Slide.
- Dude, no! No, no, everybody
hates the Electric Slide.
Have you not learned your lesson?
Our first week at college,
Sid tried to start a
spontaneous slide on the quad.
- Jesse, I'm doing it.
- No.
♪ It's electric! ♪
Let's slide, people!
Okay!
That guy became a
Wesleyan legend.
They called him the Stomper.
- Come on, guys.
It's our wedding.
I would rather be electric-cuted.
Ice cold.
I respect it.
- Why don't you go grab us some
drinks and snag us a table?
- Oh, sure. What do you... Oh.
- Just surprise me.
Listen, everyone.
I don't want Ian to know
that I burned through two
different guys in the past day.
So everyone be cool and
chill. Just like me.
Cool and chill. Yeah? Let me
hear you say it. What am I?
- Cool and chill.
- Alright, now let's do me.
I am tall and curious.
I don't get it.
You two were so into each other
like a day ago. What happened?
You're great with
secrets, right?
No. I'm great with sequins.
- Wow, that looks just like you.
- I know!
It only took me 12
Saturday nights to make.
- Only 12.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, now dish, fish.
Alright, but look, let's
just keep this between us, okay?
I don't wanna add any drama
to Sid and Hannah's big night.
- Don't worry. Hey,
I'm your sister.
- I'll keep your secret.
- Okay.
- And I know my way around a sister secret.
- Great.
Okay, uh, well,
anyway, last night,
I accidentally told Sophie
that I loved her in my sleep.
- What?
- Then she freaked out
and told me that I should
go on tour with Meredith.
- What?!
- So then, I got really upset
and told her to leave,
and then I called Meredith
- and invited her over.
- What?!
- I know. So she showed up, and
all of a sudden, we're making out,
and I guess I kind of agreed
to go on tour with her.
What?
I'm sorry. I couldn't
go any higher, so I went low.
The whole thing is
really confusing.
I mean, I was so into Sophie...
- Oh, who cares about
your stupid love life?
You're leaving me to go on tour?
Wait, what?
- I moved across the country
to reconnect with you!
And now, you're abandoning me to
go on tour with your ex-girlfriend?
That is
not gonna trigger
my adopted person
abandonment issues at all!
- Ellen, come on...
- Shh!
Wow.
She really has a gift.
I've got an order for Sad?
- It-it's Sid. Thank
you. Thank you for that.
- Hannah?
- Hm?
- What wedding would be
complete without a cake?
Okay, now,
options were limited,
but I did find a deli
that has your favorite...
What the hell is this?
- It's gefilte fish. My
mom serves it on Passover.
It's a traditional
Jewish ground fish loaf.
- Hannah, this was supposed
to be red velvet cake!
Not this... nightmare fish!
- How do we have no
pictures of Hannah and Sid?
- I have a strict no
earnest smiling policy.
Those two have a disease.
I'm proud of us.
For how well we're
handling this breakup
and transitioning
into being bros.
Yeah, me, too.
I think we're being very mature.
- Just... two mature bros.
- Mm-hmm.
Like Ian McKellen
and Patrick Stewart.
I like being your friend.
I think you're easy
to be friends with.
You, too.
And you also.
Yep.
Hey.
Why does your friend
from your photo keep...
staring at us like that?
He looks like an anglerfish
who just saw a crab.
A what?
- Man, that line would've
killed back on the boat.
But no, seriously,
what is his deal?
Well,
ever since I took
that photo of him,
he's been trying to be a model
and flaunting his
looks harder than a...
angelfish?
That's hilarious!
That's hilarious.
Speaking of models,
I'm actually supposed to be
taking pictures of this shindig.
- You wanna grab us another round?
- Sure.
Hey, everyone! Say "Sid and Hannah!"
Yeah.
Stop staring at my date.
You're weirding out Ian.
Sorry, I'm just confused.
- I mean, he really came out of nowhere.
- Oh.
Is that confusing to you?
Is the concept of a romantic
interest from the past
suddenly reappearing into
someone's life confusing to you?
- W-what's that supposed to mean?
Did Ellen say something to you?
- You know what? I can't
do this right now, Jesse.
Just stop staring at my date.
I'm not gonna let
you ruin this for me.
- There she is! The
woman who broke my heart.
Good to see you, Soph.
I'm gonna
let him ruin it for me.
Drew!
What are you doing here?
- Hannah invited me. You
look great, by the way.
I love your shirt made of pogs.
Are those pogs? Whatever they
are, I love them to death.
Are you okay?
- Why wouldn't I be okay?
Because you dumped me?
Or because my dad's probably
going to prison till I'm 50?
Or because I got buzzed alone
on oat milk White Russians
in my apartment earlier today,
and then just wandered
aimlessly around Midtown
until I saw a day
spa advertising
a "Glow-up Teeth Whitening
and Spray Tan Special"
for $49.99 called The
Orange Creamsicle,
and said to myself,
"I deserve that."
Did you get a spray tan?
- It's so natural, I hadn't noticed...
- Ah!
Sorry. Sorry, once in a while,
I-I get these shooting pains
from my two front teeth.
They say it happens to one
in 100 people who go to
New York Upstairs
Whiten and Tan.
Guess I'm one of the lucky ones.
- I think I've got an Advil for you...
- N-no.
It's all good. The receptionist
gave me a couple codeines
in exchange for a kiss.
- Hey. I'm Ian.
- What's up?
I'm Drew. This is my
ex, Sophie.
Don't waste
this fun energy on us, Drew!
- Go congratulate the happy couple!
- Eh, good point.
Hey, if you need me, just,
uh, follow the light.
Ooh, do I smell gefilte fish?
Hey. Look, I know
you're mad at me
or whatever, but it
was really screwed up
that you went and told
Sophie our sister secret.
Also, why are we calling it that?
We're not sisters. I'm a boy.
I mean man!
Damn it, I'm a man!
I didn't tell Sophie.
- You didn't?
- No!
But I always love an
exasperated white guy
screaming at me that he's a man!
So thank you for that.
How did she even make that?
So,
when exactly did you
and Drew end things?
Because it seems kind of fresh.
And
that's when it happened.
♪ Wild West music playing ♪
Both of them were
hurtling towards me
at the exact same time.
Like emotional man asteroids,
determined to blow up my spot.
So I did the only thing I could think
of to keep them from talking to me.
Uh, I think it's time for...
Sid and Hannah's first dance!
If everyone could silently stay
exactly where you are right now,
and we're gonna watch
them dance! In silence!
Ellen! Hit it!
Oh, my Bluetooth won't connect.
Doesn't matter.
'Cause I'm gonna sing it live.
Sid, Hannah, what's your song?
When a Man Loves a Woman.
Oh! Wow. Great.
I'll totally sing that song
that I... that I know. Okay.
♪ When a man loves a woman ♪
Oh God...
♪ He makes love to that woman ♪
♪ But only if she wants to ♪
♪ But who wouldn't want to? ♪
♪ I mean, look at that guy ♪
- What is happening?
- I don't know.
♪ When a man loves ♪
♪ A woman ♪
♪ Can't keep his mind
on nothing else ♪
♪ He'd trade the world ♪
♪ For the good
thing he's found ♪
Take it away, Drew!
♪ If she's bad he
won't see it... ♪
Ow! Oh!
Shooting pain. There's
a shooting pain.
- Okay! I am shutting
this down! Thank you.
- Hey, Sophie, I really need to talk to you.
- No! I am on my way out.
- I just need to grab Ian...
- Hey, quick Q. Was I supposed
to shower off with this spray tan?
'Cause I think I'm still developing...
- What did you mean when you said
that thing about romantic interests
- reappearing from the past?
- I didn't mean anything.
Yes, you did.
- Oh, my skin smells like poison.
Here, Sophie, smell my arm.
- No! Oh, you guys,
just excuse me...
- Will you please just
tell me what you meant?!
- I saw you kissing Meredith
outside of your apartment!
You kissed Meredith?
What... How did you see that?
'Cause I came back.
I was coming back to...
Oh.
Yeah.
One more Q.
Um...
Did you and Jesse get together in
the 24 hours since you dumped me?
Yes.
Drew, yes. I'm...
I'm so sorry.
- I think if I wasn't on
all these painkillers,
I just might be a skosh upset.
- Hey. Is everything alright?
- No.
Ian, it's actually not.
I gotta get some air.
And yes, Drew, you were
supposed to shower it off,
and don't kiss
people for codeine!
Someone's jealous.
♪ Ooh, you went searching ♪
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Sophie, it sounds like
things have been messy for you
while I've been gone.
Yeah.
- About that...
- It doesn't matter.
Things have been
messy for me, too.
A whale exploded on me.
What matters is
we're both here now,
and I still wanna
give it a shot.
You do?
I do.
♪ It can't be that bad ♪
- You're really going
on tour with Meredith?
I think so, yeah.
Sid, I was ready to spend
the rest of my life with her.
Those feelings didn't go away just
'cause she said no to my proposal.
Okay, what about Sophie?
Sophie's amazing,
but she's also complicated.
The moment we got together,
she blew it all up.
All I've ever wanted...
was to find love.
And I think, maybe...
it was just right
in front of me,
and I ran from it.
And until I figure
out why I did that...
I'm just gonna keep ruining
things that could be great.
- Wait, so you were in love
with one of those guys?
The orange guy?
No.
The angelfish.
- Or maybe she's not that complicated.
She probably just wasn't that into me.
Okay, so it's not a good time.
But as a wise woman
once said to me,
maybe someday.
♪ I'm not the kind of
girl you take home ♪
Good night, Sophie.
Good night, Ian.
♪ If it makes you happy ♪
♪ It can't be that bad ♪
♪ If it makes you happy ♪
♪ Then why the hell
are you so sad? ♪
- Alright, if you really wanna
see where things go with Meredith,
- I'll get my head around it.
- Thank you.
Am I supposed to find a
subletter during your tour...
- No, no, no, no, no.
It's just for a month.
Wait. You're only
leaving for a month?
- Yeah.
- I thought it was like a year!
Oh, my God...
You must have thought I
was being so dramatic!
I can't believe you're
abandoning me for a whole month! No!
Who's ready for a photo tribute
to Sid and Hannah's love!
♪ It's a wonderful world... ♪
Oh, wow. This is actually good.
- Yes. This is gonna be a
good memory from our wedding.
Uh, what is this?
This appears to be a sex tape
made in your office
earlier tonight
that they must have accidentally
edited it into our montage.
Or... did we edit
it in on purpose
as a special gift to spice
up your wedding night?
- Charlie, no!
- Yeah, no, it was actually a mistake.
- Turn it off! Turn it off!
- Oh, my God, is that my favorite jacket?
That is so my favorite jacket.
You guys are ruining my life!
- Turn it off!
- I'm trying...
- So, wait, are you two
back together again?
No. That was just a last hurrah
that we decided to commit
to video as a memento.
But, starting now,
we are officially...
strictly platonic friends.
- Hug it out?
- Keep that thing away from me.
- Hey... Where you been?
- Hey.
Watching Ian walk
out of my life again.
Yeah. Guess I'm gonna be
waiting a little longer
to find what you guys have.
Well, I hope you find a guy
who can throw you a better
wedding party than I just did.
Wait. Are you acting
so crazy tonight
because you're worried about me?
- Yeah. Hannah, I wanted you to
have the greatest night ever.
You know, it was my first
duty as your husband,
and I tanked it.
Okay, that's it. Everybody up!
Why?
Everybody line up!
- Oh, my God! Is this happening?
- Oh... I think it is.
Yeah! We're sliding!
Let's give these two nerds
a wedding night to remember!
Hey. I'm sorry about everything.
Yeah. Me, too.
♪ You can't see it ♪
Well, I blew it with
three guys in 48 hours,
and now I'm doing
the Electric Slide.
I think this is my rock bottom.
I was wrong.
Rock bottom wouldn't come
until later that year.
Mom, please call me back!
I think I'm dating my dad.
Oh!
Oh, no! No, no, no!
Oh God...
Dude...
Wait, who's that?
We'll get there soon enough.
- If this is rock bottom,
it looks good on you
- 'cause my girl can slide.
- Woo!
♪ I'll teach you
the electric slide ♪
Woo!
♪ It's electric,
boogie-woogie-woogie ♪
♪ You can't do without it ♪
♪ It's electric,
boogie-woogie-woogie ♪
♪ She sure got the boogie ♪
♪ Don't wanna lose it ♪
♪ It's electric,
boogie-woogie-woogie ♪
♪ But you can't choose it ♪
♪ It's electric,
boogie-woogie-woogie ♪
♪ But you know it's there ♪
♪ Here, there, and everywhere ♪
I Met Your Father...
- I think I've found the man that I'm
gonna spend the rest of my life with.
I'm moving to Australia.
- We're married!
- Aaah!
What?
Valentina... I don't want kids.
We broke up.
I moved to New
York to start over,
reconnect with my brother.
- Aaaah!
- Whoo!
- Oh, my God, my brother and I...
- Okay, yeah.
- Jesse and I see the
world the same way.
And there's been something
between us since the day we met.
We need to break up.
What?
I love you, Sophie.
- We don't even know if
this is gonna work out.
Got it.
- What did Jesse
do wrong other than
say everything you ever
wanted a guy to say
just faster than you expected.
Hi!
Hi.
Is this a good time?
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪
Mom? Mom! Where are you?
If you don't come back in three
seconds, I'm going to hang up!
Three, two...
Calm down! I'm right here!
God, you're, like,
obsessed with my story.
You said you'd be
right back, and then you vanished.
It felt like a year.
Wait, did you make food?
Spaghetti pomodoro, yes!
I also took a power nap.
Telling a story of this
breadth is exhausting.
Okay, back to the night
of my first gallery show.
Is this a good time?
Um...
I'm back in New York.
I see that.
- I saw your post about the show
and I decided to surprise you.
Surprise!
I hope me showing up
like this is okay.
I mean, I have no idea what's going
on in your life right now. Like...
romantically?
- I considered what a hot
mess my last 48 hours were.
The forbidden kisses.
The break-ups.
The hook-ups.
The sleep "I love you's."
The flame-outs.
The betrayals.
The murders.
Wait, what?
- I killed a rat right
before my gallery show.
It-it's not related to
my horrible love life.
It was just... It was... Well, it was,
you know... It was weighing on me.
Anyway, I was torn.
I mean, his timing,
it was terrible!
But, on the other hand,
I was getting a second shot
with the one that got away.
So, I said...
- There is absolutely nothing
going on with me romantically.
- Great. Can I buy you
a drink after this?
I'd like that.
Excuse me.
I need to steal the
artist and introduce her
to reality!
- What are you doin'?
- What?
- Things with Jesse just ended.
You were really sad about it,
like, five minutes ago.
Are you really ready to
go out with another guy?
- I-I don't know,
but I've already watched Ian
walk out of my life once.
I'm not gonna let him
get away from me again.
And I know that came out
a little bit stalker-y,
but it doesn't matter
because you know what?
He tracked me down at my show,
so who's the stalker now? Ha!
Hey.
Hey.
- So, I wanna hear everything
about your elopement!
Actually...
Congrats.
You're married.
Really? That's it?
- You're not even gonna be like,
"Do you, Sid, take Hannah?"
Who's Sid and Hannah?
Who do you think?
- Oh, my God, I'm gonna have to tell
that story for the rest of my life
- and it...
- Sucks.
And every time we tell it,
everyone's mouth's
gonna be like, "aww."
- Their eyes are gonna be like, "ooh."
- Mm!
- Oh, it's already happening!
Look at their eyes!
Okay...
Okay, it's still
our wedding day.
Let's just... Let's just call
all our friends to the bar
and just have the best
wedding party of all time.
And then that will
become our wedding story.
- Mm-hmm.
Damn! I just got husbanded.
- Hey, maybe you two can
do, like, a couple's roast.
That would be funny.
Just don't mention my
Anna Kendrick Cups phase.
We can't do a couple's
roast because...
we're not a couple anymore.
Wait, what?
- We realized that we
want different things.
So, we're friends now.
- Can you guys really just turn
it off like that? You know,
your dynamic is
incredibly sexual.
You coined the phrase
"Netflix and..."
Th-that's
all in the past.
- We are just buds now.
- Yep.
Total bros. Hug it out, bro?
Bring it in, bro.
- You're hard, bro.
- Oh.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
I'm here! I'm here! I'm here.
Oh, my God. I raced over
as soon as I saw your text.
Holy shit, man! You're
married?! Wha...
W-what about your wedding
a-and your Indian wedding?
A-and why wasn't I there? I mean,
did you have another best man?
Was he Indian? It's
okay if he was. Like...
- I don't even know why I asked that.
- No.
No best man. We eloped.
- Huh? Huh? Just be happy for us, man!
- I am! I am!
Is that Ian?
Yep.
He just got back to town
and came to surprise me.
That's not a problem, is it?
Nope. Why would it be a problem?
- It wouldn't be.
- Great. So there's no problem then.
There's clearly a problem.
Somebody say what's going on.
- Sophie and I decided that
us dating was a bad idea.
Oh, so just friends then.
Word of advice. Don't hug her.
Okay, I don't care who's dating
or who's just friends
or who's hard.
Hannah and I get one wedding
day, and you're our best friends,
so you're all gonna come to the
bar, you're going to act normal,
and you're gonna celebrate
our love, damn it!
There's an open bar.
Hoo-hoo!
Sorry. I was trying to
seamlessly cheer my way in.
I missed the window.
- Hey, you know what? About that
drink, my friends just decided
to throw a last-minute wedding
party at their bar, so...
That sounds like fun! I'm in!
Okay! Everybody
gets a job.
- Jesse, best man toast.
- Woo!
And may I just say that you
chose the best man for the job?
Ha ha ha!
Keep that out of my toast.
Sophie, you're taking photos.
Ooh, I don't have my camera.
- Oh, really? Does your
phone not have a camera?
More snapping, less yapping.
Val, Charlie, you're in
charge of the photo montage.
Now, is that clear, or are you
gonna be a Sophie about it?
- And, of course, thank you all so
much for attending our special day.
- What she said. Ellen,
wedding playlist.
Make sure it has
the Electric Slide.
- Dude, no! No, no, everybody
hates the Electric Slide.
Have you not learned your lesson?
Our first week at college,
Sid tried to start a
spontaneous slide on the quad.
- Jesse, I'm doing it.
- No.
♪ It's electric! ♪
Let's slide, people!
Okay!
That guy became a
Wesleyan legend.
They called him the Stomper.
- Come on, guys.
It's our wedding.
I would rather be electric-cuted.
Ice cold.
I respect it.
- Why don't you go grab us some
drinks and snag us a table?
- Oh, sure. What do you... Oh.
- Just surprise me.
Listen, everyone.
I don't want Ian to know
that I burned through two
different guys in the past day.
So everyone be cool and
chill. Just like me.
Cool and chill. Yeah? Let me
hear you say it. What am I?
- Cool and chill.
- Alright, now let's do me.
I am tall and curious.
I don't get it.
You two were so into each other
like a day ago. What happened?
You're great with
secrets, right?
No. I'm great with sequins.
- Wow, that looks just like you.
- I know!
It only took me 12
Saturday nights to make.
- Only 12.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, now dish, fish.
Alright, but look, let's
just keep this between us, okay?
I don't wanna add any drama
to Sid and Hannah's big night.
- Don't worry. Hey,
I'm your sister.
- I'll keep your secret.
- Okay.
- And I know my way around a sister secret.
- Great.
Okay, uh, well,
anyway, last night,
I accidentally told Sophie
that I loved her in my sleep.
- What?
- Then she freaked out
and told me that I should
go on tour with Meredith.
- What?!
- So then, I got really upset
and told her to leave,
and then I called Meredith
- and invited her over.
- What?!
- I know. So she showed up, and
all of a sudden, we're making out,
and I guess I kind of agreed
to go on tour with her.
What?
I'm sorry. I couldn't
go any higher, so I went low.
The whole thing is
really confusing.
I mean, I was so into Sophie...
- Oh, who cares about
your stupid love life?
You're leaving me to go on tour?
Wait, what?
- I moved across the country
to reconnect with you!
And now, you're abandoning me to
go on tour with your ex-girlfriend?
That is
not gonna trigger
my adopted person
abandonment issues at all!
- Ellen, come on...
- Shh!
Wow.
She really has a gift.
I've got an order for Sad?
- It-it's Sid. Thank
you. Thank you for that.
- Hannah?
- Hm?
- What wedding would be
complete without a cake?
Okay, now,
options were limited,
but I did find a deli
that has your favorite...
What the hell is this?
- It's gefilte fish. My
mom serves it on Passover.
It's a traditional
Jewish ground fish loaf.
- Hannah, this was supposed
to be red velvet cake!
Not this... nightmare fish!
- How do we have no
pictures of Hannah and Sid?
- I have a strict no
earnest smiling policy.
Those two have a disease.
I'm proud of us.
For how well we're
handling this breakup
and transitioning
into being bros.
Yeah, me, too.
I think we're being very mature.
- Just... two mature bros.
- Mm-hmm.
Like Ian McKellen
and Patrick Stewart.
I like being your friend.
I think you're easy
to be friends with.
You, too.
And you also.
Yep.
Hey.
Why does your friend
from your photo keep...
staring at us like that?
He looks like an anglerfish
who just saw a crab.
A what?
- Man, that line would've
killed back on the boat.
But no, seriously,
what is his deal?
Well,
ever since I took
that photo of him,
he's been trying to be a model
and flaunting his
looks harder than a...
angelfish?
That's hilarious!
That's hilarious.
Speaking of models,
I'm actually supposed to be
taking pictures of this shindig.
- You wanna grab us another round?
- Sure.
Hey, everyone! Say "Sid and Hannah!"
Yeah.
Stop staring at my date.
You're weirding out Ian.
Sorry, I'm just confused.
- I mean, he really came out of nowhere.
- Oh.
Is that confusing to you?
Is the concept of a romantic
interest from the past
suddenly reappearing into
someone's life confusing to you?
- W-what's that supposed to mean?
Did Ellen say something to you?
- You know what? I can't
do this right now, Jesse.
Just stop staring at my date.
I'm not gonna let
you ruin this for me.
- There she is! The
woman who broke my heart.
Good to see you, Soph.
I'm gonna
let him ruin it for me.
Drew!
What are you doing here?
- Hannah invited me. You
look great, by the way.
I love your shirt made of pogs.
Are those pogs? Whatever they
are, I love them to death.
Are you okay?
- Why wouldn't I be okay?
Because you dumped me?
Or because my dad's probably
going to prison till I'm 50?
Or because I got buzzed alone
on oat milk White Russians
in my apartment earlier today,
and then just wandered
aimlessly around Midtown
until I saw a day
spa advertising
a "Glow-up Teeth Whitening
and Spray Tan Special"
for $49.99 called The
Orange Creamsicle,
and said to myself,
"I deserve that."
Did you get a spray tan?
- It's so natural, I hadn't noticed...
- Ah!
Sorry. Sorry, once in a while,
I-I get these shooting pains
from my two front teeth.
They say it happens to one
in 100 people who go to
New York Upstairs
Whiten and Tan.
Guess I'm one of the lucky ones.
- I think I've got an Advil for you...
- N-no.
It's all good. The receptionist
gave me a couple codeines
in exchange for a kiss.
- Hey. I'm Ian.
- What's up?
I'm Drew. This is my
ex, Sophie.
Don't waste
this fun energy on us, Drew!
- Go congratulate the happy couple!
- Eh, good point.
Hey, if you need me, just,
uh, follow the light.
Ooh, do I smell gefilte fish?
Hey. Look, I know
you're mad at me
or whatever, but it
was really screwed up
that you went and told
Sophie our sister secret.
Also, why are we calling it that?
We're not sisters. I'm a boy.
I mean man!
Damn it, I'm a man!
I didn't tell Sophie.
- You didn't?
- No!
But I always love an
exasperated white guy
screaming at me that he's a man!
So thank you for that.
How did she even make that?
So,
when exactly did you
and Drew end things?
Because it seems kind of fresh.
And
that's when it happened.
♪ Wild West music playing ♪
Both of them were
hurtling towards me
at the exact same time.
Like emotional man asteroids,
determined to blow up my spot.
So I did the only thing I could think
of to keep them from talking to me.
Uh, I think it's time for...
Sid and Hannah's first dance!
If everyone could silently stay
exactly where you are right now,
and we're gonna watch
them dance! In silence!
Ellen! Hit it!
Oh, my Bluetooth won't connect.
Doesn't matter.
'Cause I'm gonna sing it live.
Sid, Hannah, what's your song?
When a Man Loves a Woman.
Oh! Wow. Great.
I'll totally sing that song
that I... that I know. Okay.
♪ When a man loves a woman ♪
Oh God...
♪ He makes love to that woman ♪
♪ But only if she wants to ♪
♪ But who wouldn't want to? ♪
♪ I mean, look at that guy ♪
- What is happening?
- I don't know.
♪ When a man loves ♪
♪ A woman ♪
♪ Can't keep his mind
on nothing else ♪
♪ He'd trade the world ♪
♪ For the good
thing he's found ♪
Take it away, Drew!
♪ If she's bad he
won't see it... ♪
Ow! Oh!
Shooting pain. There's
a shooting pain.
- Okay! I am shutting
this down! Thank you.
- Hey, Sophie, I really need to talk to you.
- No! I am on my way out.
- I just need to grab Ian...
- Hey, quick Q. Was I supposed
to shower off with this spray tan?
'Cause I think I'm still developing...
- What did you mean when you said
that thing about romantic interests
- reappearing from the past?
- I didn't mean anything.
Yes, you did.
- Oh, my skin smells like poison.
Here, Sophie, smell my arm.
- No! Oh, you guys,
just excuse me...
- Will you please just
tell me what you meant?!
- I saw you kissing Meredith
outside of your apartment!
You kissed Meredith?
What... How did you see that?
'Cause I came back.
I was coming back to...
Oh.
Yeah.
One more Q.
Um...
Did you and Jesse get together in
the 24 hours since you dumped me?
Yes.
Drew, yes. I'm...
I'm so sorry.
- I think if I wasn't on
all these painkillers,
I just might be a skosh upset.
- Hey. Is everything alright?
- No.
Ian, it's actually not.
I gotta get some air.
And yes, Drew, you were
supposed to shower it off,
and don't kiss
people for codeine!
Someone's jealous.
♪ Ooh, you went searching ♪
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Sophie, it sounds like
things have been messy for you
while I've been gone.
Yeah.
- About that...
- It doesn't matter.
Things have been
messy for me, too.
A whale exploded on me.
What matters is
we're both here now,
and I still wanna
give it a shot.
You do?
I do.
♪ It can't be that bad ♪
- You're really going
on tour with Meredith?
I think so, yeah.
Sid, I was ready to spend
the rest of my life with her.
Those feelings didn't go away just
'cause she said no to my proposal.
Okay, what about Sophie?
Sophie's amazing,
but she's also complicated.
The moment we got together,
she blew it all up.
All I've ever wanted...
was to find love.
And I think, maybe...
it was just right
in front of me,
and I ran from it.
And until I figure
out why I did that...
I'm just gonna keep ruining
things that could be great.
- Wait, so you were in love
with one of those guys?
The orange guy?
No.
The angelfish.
- Or maybe she's not that complicated.
She probably just wasn't that into me.
Okay, so it's not a good time.
But as a wise woman
once said to me,
maybe someday.
♪ I'm not the kind of
girl you take home ♪
Good night, Sophie.
Good night, Ian.
♪ If it makes you happy ♪
♪ It can't be that bad ♪
♪ If it makes you happy ♪
♪ Then why the hell
are you so sad? ♪
- Alright, if you really wanna
see where things go with Meredith,
- I'll get my head around it.
- Thank you.
Am I supposed to find a
subletter during your tour...
- No, no, no, no, no.
It's just for a month.
Wait. You're only
leaving for a month?
- Yeah.
- I thought it was like a year!
Oh, my God...
You must have thought I
was being so dramatic!
I can't believe you're
abandoning me for a whole month! No!
Who's ready for a photo tribute
to Sid and Hannah's love!
♪ It's a wonderful world... ♪
Oh, wow. This is actually good.
- Yes. This is gonna be a
good memory from our wedding.
Uh, what is this?
This appears to be a sex tape
made in your office
earlier tonight
that they must have accidentally
edited it into our montage.
Or... did we edit
it in on purpose
as a special gift to spice
up your wedding night?
- Charlie, no!
- Yeah, no, it was actually a mistake.
- Turn it off! Turn it off!
- Oh, my God, is that my favorite jacket?
That is so my favorite jacket.
You guys are ruining my life!
- Turn it off!
- I'm trying...
- So, wait, are you two
back together again?
No. That was just a last hurrah
that we decided to commit
to video as a memento.
But, starting now,
we are officially...
strictly platonic friends.
- Hug it out?
- Keep that thing away from me.
- Hey... Where you been?
- Hey.
Watching Ian walk
out of my life again.
Yeah. Guess I'm gonna be
waiting a little longer
to find what you guys have.
Well, I hope you find a guy
who can throw you a better
wedding party than I just did.
Wait. Are you acting
so crazy tonight
because you're worried about me?
- Yeah. Hannah, I wanted you to
have the greatest night ever.
You know, it was my first
duty as your husband,
and I tanked it.
Okay, that's it. Everybody up!
Why?
Everybody line up!
- Oh, my God! Is this happening?
- Oh... I think it is.
Yeah! We're sliding!
Let's give these two nerds
a wedding night to remember!
Hey. I'm sorry about everything.
Yeah. Me, too.
♪ You can't see it ♪
Well, I blew it with
three guys in 48 hours,
and now I'm doing
the Electric Slide.
I think this is my rock bottom.
I was wrong.
Rock bottom wouldn't come
until later that year.
Mom, please call me back!
I think I'm dating my dad.
Oh!
Oh, no! No, no, no!
Oh God...
Dude...
Wait, who's that?
We'll get there soon enough.
- If this is rock bottom,
it looks good on you
- 'cause my girl can slide.
- Woo!
♪ I'll teach you
the electric slide ♪
Woo!
♪ It's electric,
boogie-woogie-woogie ♪
♪ You can't do without it ♪
♪ It's electric,
boogie-woogie-woogie ♪
♪ She sure got the boogie ♪
♪ Don't wanna lose it ♪
♪ It's electric,
boogie-woogie-woogie ♪
♪ But you can't choose it ♪
♪ It's electric,
boogie-woogie-woogie ♪
♪ But you know it's there ♪
♪ Here, there, and everywhere ♪