How I Met Your Father (2022–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Episode #2.4 - full transcript
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪
Here you go!
An energizing green juice
for your big first day.
Ooh, Goliath Market
is not gonna know
what hit them!
Ta-da! Meet Ellen
from corporate.
Val...
I love it.
♪ I'm a big-city boss,
just sipping on greens ♪
♪ Coming in to work ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm a
goddamn quee... een! ♪
That
sounded like a song
from one of those reality
shows about girl bosses, like,
and they're doing
girl boss things!
Like, they go to sell a big
house, and they're like...
♪ I'm selling this
big-ass house ♪
♪ I'm wearing these
high-ass heels ♪
- Exactly! You know, sometimes
I like to imagine myself
as the star of my
own reality TV show.
Rich City Bitch Ellen! Or...
Ellen, La Ricca
Puttana Della Citta!
It's a huge hit in Italy.
Well, thanks so much, guys.
- Wish me luck?
- Oh, you don't need it.
- You got this.
- Woo!
I am so, so excited for her!
Me, too! She is crushing it.
- Killing it.
- Murdered it.
It is dead.
I couldn't be happier for her.
Even though, you know,
we've been in New York way, way
longer, and our careers are...
- Trash.
- Trainwrecks.
- Full-on flaming garbage.
Hey, you know what we need?
A little Pathetic Deirdre.
Oh, my God, yes.
Pathetic Deirdre!
Okay, so I realize
this is maybe not
the best look for me.
You
and Aunt Val laughing maniacally
about some poor woman
named "Pathetic Deirdre"?
Yeah, it's not great.
Well, just let me explain.
Deirdre was an old
college friend,
and Aunt Val and I used to invite
her to brunch when we were feeling,
you know, low, to give
ourselves an ego boost.
This city is just
too loud for me.
I'm gonna move to New Jersey.
New
Jersey. On purpose!
I don't know how you
two party so much.
I'm usually in bed by 9:00.
I haven't gone
to bed at 9:00 since I was 9.
I'm thinking about
writing a book.
Like, about my life.
Who would read that?
Wouldn't. Who
wouldn't read that?
Wait.
Val, is this gross?
We're 30 now.
We support other women.
It's fine. We're just
reaching out to an old friend
to see if she wants
to have brunch.
Something women have
done throughout herstory.
You're right.
Should we call her first to make
sure she doesn't have other plans?
Mom!
You don't get it!
She never had anything going on!
Okay, babe, are you
ready to do this?
Almost. How's my hair?
Oh, it's so cute.
- Oh hey, man. You don't mind if Meredith
and I shoot a video in here, do you?
Oh yeah, it's for my social.
Gotta let the M-heads know that
Jesse and I are back together,
and he's joining me on tour.
- M-heads?
Meredith heads. M-heads!
- Yeah. My whole album
is about our breakup,
and so us getting back together
is gonna be pretty big
news in the Memmunity.
The Meredith community.
Okay, well,
I'm gonna need some
immunity from the Memmunity
'cause your cuteness
is killing me.
Oh, awesome.
Exciting news, boss man.
I started dating again.
Obviously, by dating,
I mean hardcore,
no-strings-attached doinking.
That is right.
Yours truly hooked up with a
comely young lady last night,
and it was luscious.
Okay. Congratulations, Charlie,
but please do not use the words,
"doinking" or "luscious"
or "comely" again.
Noted.
What on Earth are they
doing with their noses?
They are happy, and
they're in love,
and though we have
our misgivings,
Jesse is our best friend,
so we support him.
- What I supported last night was
the full weight of a human woman.
- The more you talk, the more
you sound like a murderer.
♪ Got the world in ♪
♪ My own hands ♪
♪ I'm going to work ♪
♪ I'm going to
work, work, work ♪
♪ I'm not here to
play, play, play ♪
♪ Juice is just
okay, okay, okay ♪
♪ That horse eats
hay, hay, hay ♪
♪ Get out of my way ♪
♪ Don't get in my way,
I'm here to stay... ♪
- Hello.
- Hi.
Ellen Gilbert.
It's my first day,
and I need a...
pass! Pass! Pass!
Oh! Can you make it
fast, fast, fast?
Sorry, I just wanna hop on
the elevator with my boss.
You sure?
The elevator is a very small space
for your boss to be alone with...
all of this.
Stairs it is!
I'll get my steps
in.
51st floor?
That's a no-go for old Ellen-o.
Soph!
Deirdre texted back!
"Sorry, lovelies,
can't brunch today.
I have a book reading at
The Ginz in 30 minutes."
- A book reading? What
does that even mean?
- Maybe it auto-corrected
"foot cleaning"?
Oh... I bet it's like
a open mic thing.
We have to go.
Already requesting a Lyft.
This can't all
be for Deirdre's thing.
Uh, excuse me. Is
there another smaller,
sadder event
happening here today?
Nope. Just the one book reading.
She's here!
Hold on.
Did Pathetic Deirdre
write an actual book?
I bet it's mostly pictures.
No. Words. It's all words.
- Huh? Wait, is that
how you spell "Deirdre"?
English is weird.
- My God, she always talked
about writing a book,
and now, she's written a
book? That's so random.
Val.
Look at this chapter.
"Mimosas and Mind Games"?
We always used to
have mimosas with her.
I think this book is about us.
- Stop. You're being paranoid.
- Let's dive right in.
"In college, I met two women,
and I became
'friendly' with them."
- Could be anyone.
- "To preserve their privacy,
I will call them
Sophia and Valerie."
Okay, it's us.
- Well, I will put your contact
in as first name, "the,"
last name, "most beautiful
girl in the world."
You know, I'm so happy
I sprung for the 12-pack
from Baskets USA
because looks like,
I'll be sending another
one out tomorrow morning.
- Did you send your hookup a
post-sex breakup gift basket?
Of course.
It's what Derek Jeter
did in his prime.
Who knows how to do classy,
casual sex in New York City
better than noted American
sex Yankee Derek Jeter?
That is an old rumor.
Jeter himself said
it's not true.
Jeter, you discreet devil.
He will take his basketing
secrets to the grave.
- Okay, there are a couple
things to hit in this video.
- So I made some bullet points.
- What? No, babe.
You know why they're
called "bullet points"?
They shoot spontaneity
dead.
- I think we should just wing it.
- Uh, okay.
Hey, guys! I have a
huge announcement.
- Guess who's joining me on tour?
- It's me...
Jesse! That's right! Jesse,
the inspiration behind Jay
Street.
We are back together
and so happy.
- That's right...
- I can't wait to see you all on tour
and share our love
story with you.
Dates below, and we added a
second night in Myrtle Beach.
- Go, cocks! Quack, quack, quack! Peace!
- We... We love... cocks.
- Okay. I think that's pretty
good. Should I post it?
- Uh, I-I-I don't know. You know, that
kind of felt a little bit more like
a solo than a, than
a duet to me, but...
- Really? Okay, we can do
another one. It's funny.
Felt like you were
talking a lot.
Hello, Courtney.
You're here.
Um...
Courtney, this is Sid. Sid,
this is Courtney, my, um...
His hookup from last night.
Sorry for the ambush.
I usually play it cool,
but I thought, what the hell?
Charlie's putting himself
out there by sending me this
"I like you" gift basket.
Might as well let him
know I like him, too.
Wool suit. Wool suit!
I can
feel the sweat...
♪ Sweat, sweat dripping down ♪
♪ My neck, neck, neck ♪
51.
I'm on 51! I'm on 51!
Mother!
Think.
Think.
There's gotta be
a way outta here.
Oh ho! She's open!
♪ I'm here to shine,
shine, shine ♪
♪ This is how I die, die, die ♪
Why does this room even exist?!
"Every brunch was a masterclass
"in female-to-female cruelty.
"Yet, every time
little blond Sophia
"and her fiery sidekick
Valerie called,
I couldn't resist."
So, I'm a sidekick now?
- And she called you fiery,
which is hella problematic.
- I hate Pathetic Deirdre.
- Yeah, well,
she clearly hates us,
too, and with good reason.
We were such passive-aggressive
mean girls to her.
Yeah, true.
Do you wanna stick
around and apologize,
- do the right thing?
- No! Let's get outta here.
Oh, my God!
I can't believe it, but the real
Valerie and Sophia are here.
This is so brave of you both.
Please, come join me!
Together, we can heal.
Come on. Come on.
Let's support them.
This isn't easy.
- I can't believe this
is how we get canceled.
- I can't believe Deirdre
chose that as her author photo.
Stop it.
I'm sorry.
- Wait, w-why are you sorry?
Isn't it obvious?
I used you to make
myself feel better.
Before I she-toxed,
I thought of you two
as my pathetic friends.
How's it going over
there, sex Yankee?
- It's great, actually. I
really misjudged Courtney.
I mean, she's lovely.
She's funny. She's really smart.
She's actually a genius.
At the Apple Store.
I'm really glad that she mistook
my "thanks for the hookup" basket
for a "let's go on
a real date" basket.
- Again, neither of those
are reason to send a woman
salami and lotion.
You know, poor Hannah.
Clearly stuck in a
basket-less marriage.
- So, we just cannot wait
to be up on that stage
performing together
for all of you.
Babe, do you wanna
say a few words?
Yes, I do. Thank you.
Um, being apart from Meredith
was the most difficult
time of my life.
And I'm just so glad that she
asked me to get back together.
That's right. I took him back.
- Well, actually,
I-I took her back.
Best decision I ever made.
Was being taken back by me
because I took him
back. I'm the taker.
Well, actually, you
were taken. By me.
Ow! Damn it!
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine! Why?
No reason.
Dude, she's gonna
ruin his life again.
I know it. And just
like these wine glasses,
I'ma be left to
pick up the pieces.
Is that why you
broke the glasses?
For the metaphor?
Ooh, what a showman.
Wait, you think we're
the pathetic ones?
- Did you not read the
book? You're what I called
my "could be worse-ies"
because whenever I was
feeling bad about myself,
I would hang out with
you and think it could...
- We get it!
- Oh, we get it, Deirdre!
I know. I am not proud of it,
but there was a time in my life
where your many,
many struggles
were like my fuel.
I just bought a
condo in Hoboken.
Huge with waterfront views.
You two still in that
tiny walk-up in Queens?
Mm-hmm.
I'm training for a Spartan race,
so I'm eating really
clean and in bed by 9:00.
More bacon?
- Mm. Yeah.
- Yeah.
I just got an
advance on my memoir.
Oh!
You're making furniture now? Hm.
Oh, sweetie, you're
thinking of armoire.
Oh...
That is not what
happened at all.
- They're processing.
It's perfectly healthy.
I am so sorry for exploiting
your many struggles.
Mea culpa, Sophie.
Mea culpa, Valentina.
No, you may not culpa, Deirdre.
You were the pathetic one.
Wait, what?
We called you Pathetic Deirdre.
That was your name. See?
Wow! Okay.
Um, She-Toxers!
What we're seeing here
is a textbook case
of toxic twisting.
I think it
is clear which of us up here
was "the P word." I mean,
you two could barely
afford brunch,
and I bought a
condo when I was 25!
Uh, a condo in Jersey, so...
Uh, doesn't count.
Don't laugh at that!
At least I am not
broke and day drunk.
We are not day drunk! Yet.
Yeah, and you know what?
We might not have some fancy book
with no pictures in it, okay?
But we have each other.
Oh, good for you!
You two are so goddamn annoying!
is what pre-she-tox
Deirdre would have said.
She's a fraud!
She's still toxic!
- No! No, no, no, no, no.
I have changed, I swear.
I just find these
two very triggering.
So now she's
using the word "triggering"
to justify her bad
behavior. We hate that!
Ooh... We are not canceled,
but Pathetic Deirdre is.
- You wanna go get day drunk?
- Yeah.
- Bye, D.
- Eh!
- Good to see you!
- Uh-huh!
♪ When
I crawl through the vent ♪
♪ It's like, ooh,
there she went ♪
Goddammit!
Oh, my God.
That's my meeting.
- Okay, first thing's first.
Let's take attendance.
- Kyle?
- Here.
Ellen.
Here.
Tomas?
Yeah!
Nice to meet you, Tomas.
- I-I don't understand. In what
world did you take me back?
You came to me, told me you
regretted breaking up with me,
and then asked me to
go on tour with you.
Okay, yeah, sure.
Those are the facts,
but, like, what were the vibes?
Okay, okay. Fine.
You took me back.
But,
this album, the tour,
even this video,
it isn't about what
actually happened.
I mean, you gotta think about
it like... this is a movie,
and I'm the main character.
- If you're the main character, then
what does that make me? Like, an extra?
No.
Makes you the extremely
handsome love interest.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're right. You're right.
Let's just go with
the first video.
- Really?
- Yes.
Okay, thank you.
I'm gonna go send this
to the team.
- You okay?
- Wha? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm good. I'm good. We're good.
I was making too big of a
deal about that video, right?
I mean, she should be the main
character. She's... It's her tour.
- Jesse.
- Yeah.
- Dude, Meredith's always
gonna be the main character.
She's always gonna
put herself first.
And I-I tried to hold my tongue
'cause I know you're happy,
but, dude, at the
end of the day,
I just think you deserve
someone who actually loves you.
And Meredith doesn't.
Uh, got it.
- So I'll, uh, I'll
see you Saturday then.
I was thinking we
could, uh, picnic.
Well, we already have
the basket, so...
- You Charlie?
- Uh, yes.
- Got your dozen "Gourmand
Paradise" baskets from Baskets USA.
You got a good deal, dude.
Sign here.
What's going on?
It's a funny story,
really. Um...
Are you familiar with New
York Yankee Derek Jeter?
Oh, my God.
This is a "thanks for a
one-night stand" basket?
Are all those other
baskets for...
- Other women that I will
meet and sleep with, yes.
- You can keep your
low-rent, post-sex basket.
Next time, just ghost
like a normal asshole.
- Low-rent?! Did you...
Did you not see the
truffled almonds?
I slept with Jeter.
Real truffles and a Birkin bag.
A bag in a basket? He is a god.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Just, uh, getting ahead
of packing for tour.
- Really excited to see you
at the, uh, Long Island show.
Charlie and I are thinking of renting
a ZipCar and driving everyone up.
We're gonna write, like, "Jesse
Express-e" on the windows.
Like, all aboard the
Jesse Express-e! Woo-woo!
- Yeah, maybe, actually, it's
better if you don't come.
- Woo... What?
- Really?
- Really.
When I'm standing on stage
with the woman I love,
I kinda wanna look
into the audience
and see the faces of people
who actually support me.
Okay...
Woo-woo.
♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪
Here you go!
An energizing green juice
for your big first day.
Ooh, Goliath Market
is not gonna know
what hit them!
Ta-da! Meet Ellen
from corporate.
Val...
I love it.
♪ I'm a big-city boss,
just sipping on greens ♪
♪ Coming in to work ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm a
goddamn quee... een! ♪
That
sounded like a song
from one of those reality
shows about girl bosses, like,
and they're doing
girl boss things!
Like, they go to sell a big
house, and they're like...
♪ I'm selling this
big-ass house ♪
♪ I'm wearing these
high-ass heels ♪
- Exactly! You know, sometimes
I like to imagine myself
as the star of my
own reality TV show.
Rich City Bitch Ellen! Or...
Ellen, La Ricca
Puttana Della Citta!
It's a huge hit in Italy.
Well, thanks so much, guys.
- Wish me luck?
- Oh, you don't need it.
- You got this.
- Woo!
I am so, so excited for her!
Me, too! She is crushing it.
- Killing it.
- Murdered it.
It is dead.
I couldn't be happier for her.
Even though, you know,
we've been in New York way, way
longer, and our careers are...
- Trash.
- Trainwrecks.
- Full-on flaming garbage.
Hey, you know what we need?
A little Pathetic Deirdre.
Oh, my God, yes.
Pathetic Deirdre!
Okay, so I realize
this is maybe not
the best look for me.
You
and Aunt Val laughing maniacally
about some poor woman
named "Pathetic Deirdre"?
Yeah, it's not great.
Well, just let me explain.
Deirdre was an old
college friend,
and Aunt Val and I used to invite
her to brunch when we were feeling,
you know, low, to give
ourselves an ego boost.
This city is just
too loud for me.
I'm gonna move to New Jersey.
New
Jersey. On purpose!
I don't know how you
two party so much.
I'm usually in bed by 9:00.
I haven't gone
to bed at 9:00 since I was 9.
I'm thinking about
writing a book.
Like, about my life.
Who would read that?
Wouldn't. Who
wouldn't read that?
Wait.
Val, is this gross?
We're 30 now.
We support other women.
It's fine. We're just
reaching out to an old friend
to see if she wants
to have brunch.
Something women have
done throughout herstory.
You're right.
Should we call her first to make
sure she doesn't have other plans?
Mom!
You don't get it!
She never had anything going on!
Okay, babe, are you
ready to do this?
Almost. How's my hair?
Oh, it's so cute.
- Oh hey, man. You don't mind if Meredith
and I shoot a video in here, do you?
Oh yeah, it's for my social.
Gotta let the M-heads know that
Jesse and I are back together,
and he's joining me on tour.
- M-heads?
Meredith heads. M-heads!
- Yeah. My whole album
is about our breakup,
and so us getting back together
is gonna be pretty big
news in the Memmunity.
The Meredith community.
Okay, well,
I'm gonna need some
immunity from the Memmunity
'cause your cuteness
is killing me.
Oh, awesome.
Exciting news, boss man.
I started dating again.
Obviously, by dating,
I mean hardcore,
no-strings-attached doinking.
That is right.
Yours truly hooked up with a
comely young lady last night,
and it was luscious.
Okay. Congratulations, Charlie,
but please do not use the words,
"doinking" or "luscious"
or "comely" again.
Noted.
What on Earth are they
doing with their noses?
They are happy, and
they're in love,
and though we have
our misgivings,
Jesse is our best friend,
so we support him.
- What I supported last night was
the full weight of a human woman.
- The more you talk, the more
you sound like a murderer.
♪ Got the world in ♪
♪ My own hands ♪
♪ I'm going to work ♪
♪ I'm going to
work, work, work ♪
♪ I'm not here to
play, play, play ♪
♪ Juice is just
okay, okay, okay ♪
♪ That horse eats
hay, hay, hay ♪
♪ Get out of my way ♪
♪ Don't get in my way,
I'm here to stay... ♪
- Hello.
- Hi.
Ellen Gilbert.
It's my first day,
and I need a...
pass! Pass! Pass!
Oh! Can you make it
fast, fast, fast?
Sorry, I just wanna hop on
the elevator with my boss.
You sure?
The elevator is a very small space
for your boss to be alone with...
all of this.
Stairs it is!
I'll get my steps
in.
51st floor?
That's a no-go for old Ellen-o.
Soph!
Deirdre texted back!
"Sorry, lovelies,
can't brunch today.
I have a book reading at
The Ginz in 30 minutes."
- A book reading? What
does that even mean?
- Maybe it auto-corrected
"foot cleaning"?
Oh... I bet it's like
a open mic thing.
We have to go.
Already requesting a Lyft.
This can't all
be for Deirdre's thing.
Uh, excuse me. Is
there another smaller,
sadder event
happening here today?
Nope. Just the one book reading.
She's here!
Hold on.
Did Pathetic Deirdre
write an actual book?
I bet it's mostly pictures.
No. Words. It's all words.
- Huh? Wait, is that
how you spell "Deirdre"?
English is weird.
- My God, she always talked
about writing a book,
and now, she's written a
book? That's so random.
Val.
Look at this chapter.
"Mimosas and Mind Games"?
We always used to
have mimosas with her.
I think this book is about us.
- Stop. You're being paranoid.
- Let's dive right in.
"In college, I met two women,
and I became
'friendly' with them."
- Could be anyone.
- "To preserve their privacy,
I will call them
Sophia and Valerie."
Okay, it's us.
- Well, I will put your contact
in as first name, "the,"
last name, "most beautiful
girl in the world."
You know, I'm so happy
I sprung for the 12-pack
from Baskets USA
because looks like,
I'll be sending another
one out tomorrow morning.
- Did you send your hookup a
post-sex breakup gift basket?
Of course.
It's what Derek Jeter
did in his prime.
Who knows how to do classy,
casual sex in New York City
better than noted American
sex Yankee Derek Jeter?
That is an old rumor.
Jeter himself said
it's not true.
Jeter, you discreet devil.
He will take his basketing
secrets to the grave.
- Okay, there are a couple
things to hit in this video.
- So I made some bullet points.
- What? No, babe.
You know why they're
called "bullet points"?
They shoot spontaneity
dead.
- I think we should just wing it.
- Uh, okay.
Hey, guys! I have a
huge announcement.
- Guess who's joining me on tour?
- It's me...
Jesse! That's right! Jesse,
the inspiration behind Jay
Street.
We are back together
and so happy.
- That's right...
- I can't wait to see you all on tour
and share our love
story with you.
Dates below, and we added a
second night in Myrtle Beach.
- Go, cocks! Quack, quack, quack! Peace!
- We... We love... cocks.
- Okay. I think that's pretty
good. Should I post it?
- Uh, I-I-I don't know. You know, that
kind of felt a little bit more like
a solo than a, than
a duet to me, but...
- Really? Okay, we can do
another one. It's funny.
Felt like you were
talking a lot.
Hello, Courtney.
You're here.
Um...
Courtney, this is Sid. Sid,
this is Courtney, my, um...
His hookup from last night.
Sorry for the ambush.
I usually play it cool,
but I thought, what the hell?
Charlie's putting himself
out there by sending me this
"I like you" gift basket.
Might as well let him
know I like him, too.
Wool suit. Wool suit!
I can
feel the sweat...
♪ Sweat, sweat dripping down ♪
♪ My neck, neck, neck ♪
51.
I'm on 51! I'm on 51!
Mother!
Think.
Think.
There's gotta be
a way outta here.
Oh ho! She's open!
♪ I'm here to shine,
shine, shine ♪
♪ This is how I die, die, die ♪
Why does this room even exist?!
"Every brunch was a masterclass
"in female-to-female cruelty.
"Yet, every time
little blond Sophia
"and her fiery sidekick
Valerie called,
I couldn't resist."
So, I'm a sidekick now?
- And she called you fiery,
which is hella problematic.
- I hate Pathetic Deirdre.
- Yeah, well,
she clearly hates us,
too, and with good reason.
We were such passive-aggressive
mean girls to her.
Yeah, true.
Do you wanna stick
around and apologize,
- do the right thing?
- No! Let's get outta here.
Oh, my God!
I can't believe it, but the real
Valerie and Sophia are here.
This is so brave of you both.
Please, come join me!
Together, we can heal.
Come on. Come on.
Let's support them.
This isn't easy.
- I can't believe this
is how we get canceled.
- I can't believe Deirdre
chose that as her author photo.
Stop it.
I'm sorry.
- Wait, w-why are you sorry?
Isn't it obvious?
I used you to make
myself feel better.
Before I she-toxed,
I thought of you two
as my pathetic friends.
How's it going over
there, sex Yankee?
- It's great, actually. I
really misjudged Courtney.
I mean, she's lovely.
She's funny. She's really smart.
She's actually a genius.
At the Apple Store.
I'm really glad that she mistook
my "thanks for the hookup" basket
for a "let's go on
a real date" basket.
- Again, neither of those
are reason to send a woman
salami and lotion.
You know, poor Hannah.
Clearly stuck in a
basket-less marriage.
- So, we just cannot wait
to be up on that stage
performing together
for all of you.
Babe, do you wanna
say a few words?
Yes, I do. Thank you.
Um, being apart from Meredith
was the most difficult
time of my life.
And I'm just so glad that she
asked me to get back together.
That's right. I took him back.
- Well, actually,
I-I took her back.
Best decision I ever made.
Was being taken back by me
because I took him
back. I'm the taker.
Well, actually, you
were taken. By me.
Ow! Damn it!
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine! Why?
No reason.
Dude, she's gonna
ruin his life again.
I know it. And just
like these wine glasses,
I'ma be left to
pick up the pieces.
Is that why you
broke the glasses?
For the metaphor?
Ooh, what a showman.
Wait, you think we're
the pathetic ones?
- Did you not read the
book? You're what I called
my "could be worse-ies"
because whenever I was
feeling bad about myself,
I would hang out with
you and think it could...
- We get it!
- Oh, we get it, Deirdre!
I know. I am not proud of it,
but there was a time in my life
where your many,
many struggles
were like my fuel.
I just bought a
condo in Hoboken.
Huge with waterfront views.
You two still in that
tiny walk-up in Queens?
Mm-hmm.
I'm training for a Spartan race,
so I'm eating really
clean and in bed by 9:00.
More bacon?
- Mm. Yeah.
- Yeah.
I just got an
advance on my memoir.
Oh!
You're making furniture now? Hm.
Oh, sweetie, you're
thinking of armoire.
Oh...
That is not what
happened at all.
- They're processing.
It's perfectly healthy.
I am so sorry for exploiting
your many struggles.
Mea culpa, Sophie.
Mea culpa, Valentina.
No, you may not culpa, Deirdre.
You were the pathetic one.
Wait, what?
We called you Pathetic Deirdre.
That was your name. See?
Wow! Okay.
Um, She-Toxers!
What we're seeing here
is a textbook case
of toxic twisting.
I think it
is clear which of us up here
was "the P word." I mean,
you two could barely
afford brunch,
and I bought a
condo when I was 25!
Uh, a condo in Jersey, so...
Uh, doesn't count.
Don't laugh at that!
At least I am not
broke and day drunk.
We are not day drunk! Yet.
Yeah, and you know what?
We might not have some fancy book
with no pictures in it, okay?
But we have each other.
Oh, good for you!
You two are so goddamn annoying!
is what pre-she-tox
Deirdre would have said.
She's a fraud!
She's still toxic!
- No! No, no, no, no, no.
I have changed, I swear.
I just find these
two very triggering.
So now she's
using the word "triggering"
to justify her bad
behavior. We hate that!
Ooh... We are not canceled,
but Pathetic Deirdre is.
- You wanna go get day drunk?
- Yeah.
- Bye, D.
- Eh!
- Good to see you!
- Uh-huh!
♪ When
I crawl through the vent ♪
♪ It's like, ooh,
there she went ♪
Goddammit!
Oh, my God.
That's my meeting.
- Okay, first thing's first.
Let's take attendance.
- Kyle?
- Here.
Ellen.
Here.
Tomas?
Yeah!
Nice to meet you, Tomas.
- I-I don't understand. In what
world did you take me back?
You came to me, told me you
regretted breaking up with me,
and then asked me to
go on tour with you.
Okay, yeah, sure.
Those are the facts,
but, like, what were the vibes?
Okay, okay. Fine.
You took me back.
But,
this album, the tour,
even this video,
it isn't about what
actually happened.
I mean, you gotta think about
it like... this is a movie,
and I'm the main character.
- If you're the main character, then
what does that make me? Like, an extra?
No.
Makes you the extremely
handsome love interest.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're right. You're right.
Let's just go with
the first video.
- Really?
- Yes.
Okay, thank you.
I'm gonna go send this
to the team.
- You okay?
- Wha? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm good. I'm good. We're good.
I was making too big of a
deal about that video, right?
I mean, she should be the main
character. She's... It's her tour.
- Jesse.
- Yeah.
- Dude, Meredith's always
gonna be the main character.
She's always gonna
put herself first.
And I-I tried to hold my tongue
'cause I know you're happy,
but, dude, at the
end of the day,
I just think you deserve
someone who actually loves you.
And Meredith doesn't.
Uh, got it.
- So I'll, uh, I'll
see you Saturday then.
I was thinking we
could, uh, picnic.
Well, we already have
the basket, so...
- You Charlie?
- Uh, yes.
- Got your dozen "Gourmand
Paradise" baskets from Baskets USA.
You got a good deal, dude.
Sign here.
What's going on?
It's a funny story,
really. Um...
Are you familiar with New
York Yankee Derek Jeter?
Oh, my God.
This is a "thanks for a
one-night stand" basket?
Are all those other
baskets for...
- Other women that I will
meet and sleep with, yes.
- You can keep your
low-rent, post-sex basket.
Next time, just ghost
like a normal asshole.
- Low-rent?! Did you...
Did you not see the
truffled almonds?
I slept with Jeter.
Real truffles and a Birkin bag.
A bag in a basket? He is a god.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Just, uh, getting ahead
of packing for tour.
- Really excited to see you
at the, uh, Long Island show.
Charlie and I are thinking of renting
a ZipCar and driving everyone up.
We're gonna write, like, "Jesse
Express-e" on the windows.
Like, all aboard the
Jesse Express-e! Woo-woo!
- Yeah, maybe, actually, it's
better if you don't come.
- Woo... What?
- Really?
- Really.
When I'm standing on stage
with the woman I love,
I kinda wanna look
into the audience
and see the faces of people
who actually support me.
Okay...
Woo-woo.