House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 5, Episode 4 - End State Vision - full transcript

While competing with Monica for business, Marty learns she's been offered a lucrative deal. Jeannie romances a client with a questionable past. Clyde is tapped for a new venture and Doug obsesses over the chance to give a TED Talk.

Previously, on House of Lies...

I want to buy you, Marty.

- We pay you to walk the fuck away.
- Go fuck yourself.

Funny running into you
outside the dungeon.

- I know.
- Uh, the, wha-huh?

Doug and I play in a weekly

- Dungeons & Dragons game.
- Right.

You think you might consider
maybe going out with me?

- Who the fuck are you?!
- Whoo!

Wait a minute! Wait!

I see you're getting acquainted
with my friend, huh?

Hey, Pop, I got to catch a plane, okay?

Can you take Roscoe to school for me?

Well, maybe if you spent

a little less time on
that driving range...

All right, I'll take him.

I think it's good

that you're getting all
this practice in, Marty.

Can't have you looking like

a duffer if we ever get out there.

I think someone's angling for
an invite to your private club.

- You think?
- Oh, no, no, no.

I'm a woman of the people.

I play on the public course.

But I'll make an exception.

Uh, wait... Do they allow
black people at your club?

That is so funny.

Hey! Look at Roscoe on fleek!

I'm launching my own vlog.

You know, me in fresh 'fits

- commenting on trends, you know?
- Uh-huh.

Well, how's that fresh job hunt going?

You know you still got
to get one of those

for after school, right?

Dad, I've been pounding the
pavement... nobody's hiring.

All these businesses are concerned

about the slow rate of economic growth.

That's bullshit.

Hey, Pop, isn't this usually
the time when you...

All right.

I really don't have time for this, okay?

Just talk to him.

What's up, my sexy bitches!

Roscoe Kaan here. I'm in the Kaan loft.

Today we talk about
suit jackets and pins.


Uh, don't be pissed.

I was trying to find a pen when
I found your bucket list...

and read every word of it.


Oh, my God.

Tess, how could you?

Doug, I actually think this is great.

You are a confident, ambitious person

who knows what he wants and
sets very tangible goals.

- Well, yes, obviously.
- I mean, you knew

that you wanted to go
through the car wash

- with the windows open...
- Who wouldn't?

And act in an episode of Bones.

Okay, when I wrote the list, it was

- the height of Bones.
- Okay, no, no, no, I...

- Doug, I really do think...
- Then they did this whole

- this is great.
- London season...

Okay, "Send a message in a bottle."

- Oh, I keep putting that off.
- Okay, "Witness a miracle."

Oh, I've done that one.

"Watch the movie The Bucket List."

- I got halfway through it.
- Okay.

I'll tell you what, how about I help you

cross a few things off the list.

"Receive oral sex in a
revolving restaurant."

I could be on board with that.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I can also totally get you a TED Talk.

Wait, you can get me a TED Talk?

Thought the first thing

would at least be equally as exciting.

But yeah, the executive curator,

she's my friend.

Well, let's call her.

That's amazing. Let's...

go for it.

Do you remember when we were doing that

- economics problem set together?
- Of course.

I got really frustrated and
I shouted, "Fuck me blind!"

And then out of nowhere,
Ken pops his head

out of some other room and is like,

"Get me a blindfold!"

Yes. Yes.

Lot of confidence for
a bald 19-year-old.

Listen, I'm really happy you called.

- Yeah?
- I don't know if you know,

but I kind of had... a
little thing for you

back in the day.

That's not why you called.

Well, I mean, do a lot of girls

ask you out to a romantic breakfast?

So, what's up? What's,
so, what's going on?

I'm working as campaign manager
for Seth Buckley's mayoral run.

He's unhappy with the
economic advice he's getting.

There's a meet-and-greet
fund-raiser with the candidate

- on Thursday.
- Ah, Thursday I can't do it.

I'm all packed up.

Look, before, I wasn't meaning to...

Not even a thing. Don't
even worry about it.

Shit. You know what? I've got to run.

But Thursday, you
should definitely come.

There's gonna be free food, free wine...

I mean, I'll be there.

Come on, it'll be fun.

Sorry. Sorry about that.

There was a miscommunication
with the nanny.

There are lots of miscommunications

with my nanny.


I have about five minutes, so...

So let's see the house.

Your daughter's beautiful, by the way.

Thank you.

We're thinking of adopting
a black baby, too.

- Where's yours from?
- My vagina.

Well, his board's pressuring him

to embrace the digitalization trend

overtaking the auction world.

Mm, but Daniel Hathaway
thinks the Internet is tawdry

and commonplace.

Thank God he has high-class
friends like us who get him.

Mm-hmm. Bend to the popular whims

of your less evolved cohorts.

Daniel, no, dear boy,
perish the thought!

You simply must triple
down on you, dear boy.

We insist. You must purchase huge lots

and conspicuous pieces.

Uh, buy out student art shows

and create new stars...

Ugh! Sorry, I don't have
an ear for accents.

And while this exceptionally
risky strategy

puts Hathaway's auction
house and personal fortune

- in great jeopard.
- Mm.

We will sleep easy at night

knowing that at the very
least, we fucked over a dude

- who murdered his own wife.
- Whoa.

Marty, I don't like what you're implying

- about our judicial system.
- What do you mean?

Daniel Hathaway was
acquitted, do you remember?

Mm. Their fights were epic,

and she stood to win a
lot in that divorce,

but what reasonable
person wouldn't conclude

she slept-walked off the balcony?

How amazing would it be to be so rich,

you could get away with
killing your wife?

You know what I meant.

- Tell us what you meant exactly.
- No, I think we know what you mean.

Just like to make it
look like an accident.

- Okay, we got it, we got it, we got it.
- In any case,

kiddies, kiddies, kiddies,
Hathaway's has a market cap

of three billion, so what do we say?

- ♪ Go murder, go murder ♪
- Oh, oh, sure.

♪ If it, if it's making money ♪
♪ Go murder ♪

♪ Then murder. ♪

Oh, wow! That's the politician girl?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, no way she's interested.

- Hold on. I can...
- Nope. I'm gonna seek other counsel.

- Okay.
- We don't need you to do that at all.

Marty, do we have business out of town

on the 18th of next month?

I don't know.

Just have a thing back in
L.A. that night, you know?

Yeah, if we have a road game that means

I'm gonna have to fly
back in the middle of it.

It's annoying.

Yeah, I'll check with your assistant.

It's fine.

Unless you want to deal with
it personally, I mean...

You know what? You know...

If I ask you what the thing
is, will you just shut up

and let me finish answering this e-mail?

You were answering an e-mail,
right then, when I was talking?

Oh, forget it.

- I'm sorry, no.
- Okay.

It can wait. It's not important.

Good, good.

Do you know what a TED Talk is?

Does that ring a bell?

They've asked me to give a
TED Talk, so you know...

No big deal. Who cares?

Sorry, hey. I'm sorry, Marty.

Let me jump in there real quick.

Doug, did you just say you're
gonna give a TED Talk?

Oh, yeah, you heard that? Yeah, yeah.

It's called "Be the Dungeon
Master of Your Own Destiny."

And you're giving it?

Yeah, should be pretty
enlightening, hmm.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you...

Redfin has it as 1.8.

I know Venice Beach is desirable.

That's why I want to move there.

I-I can go up to three, okay?


Venice Beach?

Oh, surprise!

Not a surprise.

We knew you were competing
for the Hathaway's job.

I've just been insatiable lately.

It's like I want everything.

Gotta go big or go home.

Oh, I hate that expression.

You know who doesn't, though?

Your old pal Skip, yeah.

- He loves them big.
- Oh, yeah.

Skip... I turned him down and
he goes Dumpster diving.

Skip Galweather's sloppy seconds? Yuck.

Yeah, when's your Hathaway's meeting?

That would be tomorrow morning, boo-boo.

Oh, this afternoon.

Good luck.

And you have shit on your blouse.

I can't.

Thank you so much. Excuse me.

Hey, remember when that crazy
girl stabbed you in the leg?

I will cut your dick off and I
will stir my champagne with it.

Skip Galweather offers to buy K and A,

and you don't think to tell me that?

You were still working at Davis/Dexter.

Oh, that's beside the point.

That is a huge decision
that has implications

on the financial
well-being of our child.

Remember her?

Well, if she's so high up on your list,

maybe you wouldn't move her
to Venice Beach, right?

- You can always sell your loft...
- Further away from her father.

- And move closer to us, okay?
- That's a great idea, isn't it?

Hi, I'm not a "I told
you so" kind of guy,

but you did have a shot to
give me and Sarah the baby.


Here's the thing... I'm not
averse to increasing profits,

but art wasn't meant to be
consumed like a quiz on BuzzFeed

or a cat playing the piano.

Remember that you have to die.


"Remember that you have to die."

It's the literal translation
of memento mori.

Art that embraces mortality

as a means of bringing us
to a closer understanding

of the ephemeral nature

of earthly endeavors.

How much pee-pee's in your
underpants right now?

Yeah, because I wear
underpants on game day.

Our time here is limited.

It shouldn't be wasted on trifles.

Life should be spent creating beauty.

Protecting beauty.

Appreciating the beauty that

appears before us every single day.


Well, we couldn't agree more.

You gotta keep doing what you're doing.

Take it up to warp speed.

Okay, so you think the strategy
is "go big or go home"?


Uh, go big or...


Uh, um, I can't.

I'm sorry.

Go big or go home...

It must seem like an appealing strategy,

and the smart move would be for us

to tell you what you want to hear,

but, uh, it's business suicide.

- Oh?
- The art market

is overinflated,

the bubble could burst at any time.

And I think that you've
been through enough.

Losing your wife and then

being accused of playing a part
in that is something I can't

imagine how it would feel.

I think the last thing that you
need is to be fed a destructive

line of bullshit on top of all of it.

What we need to do is
baseline your numbers,

do a SWOT analysis,

but you can rest assured
we'll take care of you

and we will take care of your company.


- 100%.
- I... I think

- that's it.
- Yeah. Yeah. All right.

- Great. Thank you.
- Thank you so much.

- Jeannie.
- Mm-hmm?

Could you hang on for a second?


What was that?

Mr. Hunky Murderer makes
googly eyes at her

and then suddenly...

all sense is out the window.

Hey, Doug, you know how
there's the Olympics

and the Special Olympics?

Now, are you giving a TED Talk

or, like, a Special TED Talk?

Just a TED Talk.

Doug... Monica clearly pitched
our strategy, all right?

Now, we go in there and do
the same thing, we're done.

It'll look terrible.


Oh, go big or go home, right.

Hello? You gonna fill us in?

On that? Daniel just asked me to dinner.

Uh... So you're gonna date him?

So he's not perfect. Every
guy's got something.

See, this one doesn't
clean up after himself,

that one throws his
wife off a balcony...

It's not a date.

I'm just trying to win
us the consult. Jesus!

Yeah. Okay.

Well, looks like

staying the course and not tripling down

is their best move. See,
as other auction houses

dive deeper into digital,
Hathaway's can actually

parlay its purity into
an advantageous niche.

Except the stay-the-course
strategy today

means no afterwork tomorrow.

Oof. Damn.

Well, look, don't let
it get you down, buddy.

Marty's not being critical.

He... He's just pushing
you to be better.

I'm sorry, what's happening?

But how can we be better?

Hmm. See, my role as Dungeon Master

led me to a huge business
win for one simple,

yet powerful reason.

I was being myself.

- Mm.
- Thus our journey becomes one of

- seeking out and embracing our essence.
- Yeah.

Look, take you, Clyde.

Oh, please don't take me, Clyde.

- No, let him take you, let him take you.
- You and Marty...

You were riding high as Marty's go-to,

then Jeannie comes back and
utterly displaces you.

- She did do that.
- Mm.

But you took solace, knowing you were

- still ahead of good old Doug.
- Ah.

But then, boom...

I reel in a mega client.

Are you serious?

The good news is

you can turn it around,

but the answers, Clyde,

well, they're not out there.

Do you know where they are?

- Don't.
- Oh. I think I know. I know.

Marty, Marty, please don't

- point to my heart.
- Is it in there?


That's where they are.

Look, you're Clyde

and you need to figure
out what that means.

Mm. Okay.

Be the Dungeon Master
of your own destiny.

You know what? Winning Tess's business

has nothing to do with
you embracing anything.

It was just dumb luck.

- Was it?
- Yeah.

- Was it?
- Yeah...

Was it? Yes!

Where are we at on this game plan?

Where are we at on this game plan?

Did you just pack this along
in your bag, just in case?


Daniel had it sent over for me.

- What? One more time.
- What was that?

Daniel had it sent over for me.

So you're letting him dress you now.

I mean, that's not creepy.

Ever since Phoebe was born,

I have been in sweatpants every night.

So if someone wants to send me

- a Zuhair Murad gown...
- A "Zuhaish Maan"?

Zuhair Murad. I'm gonna fuckin' wear it.

I'm gathering we still have nothing?

I'm actually onto something.


We'll drill down and we'll ping you

when we're a little further
up the learning curve.

What the fuck is going on today?

- This is insane.
- Okay, great.

Okay. Well, have fun at
the ball, Cinderella.

- Thank you.
- Hey, just remember...

that gown, at midnight,

turns back into your blouse
with the shit stain on it.

Try not to get murdered.

Avoid the balcony!

Have fun with O.J.!


You look magnificent.

Thank you.


So where are we going?

The Met.

Isn't the Met closed?

Not for the two of us.

You have a key to the
Metropolitan Museum of Art?

How do you have a key?

You ask a lot of questions.

I like that.

I mean, there's no chance that he...

he actually kills her, right?

- Oh, God, no. No way. No.
- Mm-mm.

It's, like, a three percent chance.

- It's, like, five, tops.
- Right. Right.

You know, Daniel actually
had a first wife.

Died in a car accident,

but in light of later events,

not so clear it was an accident.


Nah, she gonna be all right.

- I think so. Right?
- Oh, are you kidding me?

- It's Jeannie!
- You don't mess with Jeannie!

Right? I do not want to be the guy

who tries to murder Jeannie.

Don't try it.

But if she does get killed,

I get her office back, though, right?

Come on. Absolutely.

Thank you!

After an appropriate mourning period...

- All right.
- Clyde's office.

'Cause I know exactly what
I want to do with it.

I bought stuff for it.

We don't want her to
actually die, Clyde.

I know.

Of course... stop. Of course not.

Jose Cuervo 250.

No, no, I didn't... I didn't order...

You... have an admirer.

$2,000 bottle of tequila, huh?

Yeah. I can afford it, though, Marty.

Seven times.

Seven times what?

Seven times my revenue.

When Skip buys my firm,

that's what he's going
to put in my pocket.

But don't worry, I will
probably throw you

a pity fuck on my private jet.

Oh, that's sweet.

Yeah, I know.


Bye, Mo.


Buck up, you.

You'll get your own fuck jet one day.

Oh! What's that doing there?


The food is delicious.

And, um, this room is stunning.

Interesting fact...

Initially, neoclassicism was considered

something of a fad for
the Parisian elite,

until Marie Antoinette brought
the goût grec to Versailles

and reappropriated it
as Louis XVI style.

- I'm being so boring.
- No.

No, I actually have always
wanted to learn more about art.

I didn't grow up with much around me.

We only had two pieces.

One was, um, dogs playing poker...

A fantastic piece.

And, uh, a paint-by-numbers Johnny Cash.

I don't know that one.

It's very rare.

But I imagine there was warmth and love.

Not so much?

Not so much, no.

I think that's why

I wanted to have a kid, you know?

Do the whole "better than
they had done" thing.

How's that going?

Should we be talking business?

'Cause I'm billing you for this.

Quite right.

I want to get my bloody money's worth.

Our end state vision for you

is to keep your brick and mortar strong,

while creating a separate online brand.

- Mmm...
- I know,

but we're envisioning it

as a purely VIP experience,

dealing only in exclusive pieces,

while maintaining

a prohibitive pay wall

and a capped number of members.

I like that.


I really like that.

You know...

it's such a beautiful night,

and it's a full moon.

I think we should go up to the roof.

You know, I'm not that into the moon.

Not into the moon,

or not into going up to the roof

with a man who's been accused

of pushing someone off a high balcony?

- Little bit of both.
- Okay.

Well, don't worry,

I only kill my wives.

Hold up. He actually said that?

He told you you looked like his wife?

It sounds creepier than it wa...

No, wait, did he, did he say
the one that he maybe killed,

or the one that he definitely killed?

- I didn't ask.
- Well, that's smart.

Okay, so you're on the
roof at this point.

How'd you get out of there?

I just put my clothes on and left.

- Okay.
- She just put her clothes on and left.

Oh, fucking, fucking...

You were supposed to receive
a cancellation call.

Mr. Hathaway has decided to go
with another consulting firm.

Excuse me?

You can't go back there!

It's okay, we know each other.

She fucked him last night

on the roof of the Met, so we're good.

Thank you, though.

I'm confused. I thought,

when I left last night,
we were in agreement,

and now I'm finding out you
gave the consult to that cunt?

Okay, hold on a second.

Um, sorry, I'm supposed to hand over

a multimillion-dollar
consult just because...

No, that's not what I'm talking about.

Yeah, I don't think you get to stake out

the moral high ground, Jeannie.

Sorry, but we used each other.

Yeah, I wanted to have sex with
you; you wanted my business.

I didn't fuck you for the business.

I actually... Uh, even if I did,

I can absolutely stake out the
moral high ground with you.

What's that supposed to mean?

I don't know. Let's ask one
of your wives. Oh, wait.

This doesn't seem like a good road.

- No.
- No.

I mean, what's lying to
someone you just met when

you've sent a loved one hurtling

over a third-story balcony?

Ooh, I wouldn't have said that part.

Should we be intervening?

Oh, sure.

Stop. That's an original.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Get the fuck out. Get out.

Caught it.


- Oh, my God, you came!
- Hey.

Hey, I'm so glad. Come on.

I'll, um... I'll introduce
you to the candidate.

Yes. Please.


Congratulate me, Dad.

Somebody get a job?

I got a lead on a job.

Several jobs, actually.

I mean, I got myself a modeling agent.

That's not what we talked about, Roscoe.

But, Dad, if it goes through,
it's gonna be a lot better money

than working at Domino's.

Yeah, well, you're still gonna
get a real job after school.

So I have to be miserable
because you are?

Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!

You're getting it. You see
how smart this kid is?

Grandpa, tell Dad he's being

totally unreasonable.

Grandpa, tell Roscoe that
you are still driving him

around tomorrow after school
to get job applications.

Uh, I can't tomorrow. I'll
be in San Diego tomorrow.

It's Rita's niece's confirmation.

Oh. Uh, how long are
you going to be gone?

Oh, just a few days. Hmm?

- Mm, maybe more.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, I'm just asking because,

you know, Phoebe's gonna
be here this weekend.

No. This-this is not the moment.

- Not the moment?
- Uh-uh.

Sweetheart, you are a
68-year-old with Parkinson's.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, you
have nothing but time.

- Okay? Okay?
- Okay. All right.

You got this.

That's... Okay.

She... she...

Roscoe, could you give us a moment?


Why do I feel like I'm in
the principal's office?

I've... done you a disservice.

- What are you talking about?
- Knowing that

I was there for Roscoe,

both physically and emotionally...

You've been able to skate by?

And you're still...

Now, you're still skating by.

That's no good.

That's no good for Roscoe.

It's... no good for Phoebe.

That's no good for you.

I was ready to enjoy my retirement

a long time ago, you know?

Don't get me wrong. I-I wouldn't...

I wouldn't give up my
time with these kids

for nothing in the world, but...
I want to be their grandfather.

You know? I want to...
I want to spoil them.

I want to...

give her piggyback rides, and...

too much candy, and...

and dump 'em back in
their father's hands...

so you can do the parenting.


Like I know you can.

Tell him what you were thinking.

Seth, you're gonna love this.

All right, I roughed out some numbers,

and there's actually a
feasible path forward

on a government-private
sector partnership

that will step up the building
of desalination plants.

That's a good idea.

I know. It feels like
a good idea, right?

Hi. Excuse me for just a moment, guys.

Yeah, of course. Course.

No, no, no, that's great, that's great.

But how do you control costs?

Yeah, well, most of it
is actually defrayed

by the businesses.

She's pretty. Ah.

Bronwyn, yeah. And smart.


That's why you're here, isn't it?

Also heard there was free food.

Well, I hate to burst your bubble,

but the food is not free.

- I'm kidding. It's free.
- Right.

But I'm fairly certain
Bronwyn is a lesbian.

Nope, absolutely not.

Actually, I'm certain
that she's a lesbian,

because I officiated her wedding
to Katie, who is a woman.

So, lesbian and married. Fantastic.

However she got you here,
though, I'm glad you're here.

I'd like for you to advise the campaign.

I'm not really a politics guy.

Could have fooled me.

Look, I know you got a day job,

and you're probably kicking
ass at Kaan & Associates.

But this is an opportunity
for you to get in

on the ground floor of something
that's potentially great,

and to be an essential component
of what makes it great.

All right, I want you
to be part of this.

- I'm not taking no for an answer.
- Uh...

I'm kidding.

I will take no for an answer,
but it would make me very sad.

And nobody's gonna vote for
a guy who looks like this.

Yeah, I wouldn't vote for that guy.

See, you're already advising me.

I thought she was hungry.
She's not hungry.

Okay, there's no fever.

It's not gas. She's just been
crying and crying. I can't get

- her to go to sleep. She won't sleep.
- It's okay. It's okay.

- She will not sleep, Marty.
- Shh, shh, shh. It's okay, good.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Oh.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Shh, shh, it's okay, it's okay. Shh.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, it's okay.

So, uh, Pop used to do this thing.

- Shh. Can you lay that out for me?
- Yes.


Called it the five S's.

You swaddle. Shh...

I know, I know.

Swaddle. Okay.

You swing.


And side.


I know. Shh, shh, shh.

And stick the pacifier in its mouth.

Is she asleep?

That's called sleep.

Fuck you.


Maybe you don't want to
be moving, uh, far away

from the baby whisperer at this point.

Just sayin'.

I was outbid on the house anyway.


Look, Jeannie,

you can move if you want to, obviously.

That's your prerogative.

Not even sure I want to move.

I just want...

I don't even know what I want.

And I should have told
you about the offer.

Yeah, you should have.

Speaking of which, Monica tells me

that... Skip is prepared

to shell out seven times
her firm's revenue.

- Are you kidding?
- Seven times.

That multiplier is five
times on a good day.

Wow. Well, at least the money's
going to someone deserving,

- like Monica.
- Mmm.

If it goes to Monica.

So, you know, Skip is
eyeing a number of firms.

Sure, most of them can't compete.

Most of them can't,

but some of them can?

I mean, it is so much money
to just walk away from.

- Are you considering...?
- I don't know, I don't know.

- Maybe.
- Wow...

God, could you imagine
stepping off the hamster wheel

for a while, and having the time

and the financial wherewithal

to reflect on what comes next?

Yeah, we don't even need to
reflect on what comes next.

You know, just... be.

Marty Kaan, secret Buddhist.

We could... be there for
Phoebe in a very real way.

You know, she wouldn't see

the stressed-out versions
of ourselves from work.


And no travel.

- How about that?
- No travel.

- Yeah.
- No.

Or yes to travel, but only good travel.

- Yeah.
- When I was little,

I always wanted to go to Barcelona.

I don't even think I
knew it was in Spain.

I just... It sounded so fancy.

We could bring Phoebe.

Uh, I'm not saying "we." I...

- I could her... bring her, or you...
- No, no, no.

- Could bring her separately.
- No, no. No, yeah, no. No.

"We" is... No, we could...
we could bring Phoebe.

We may, you know, we could
travel as a family.

Bring Roscoe, too.

"We" doesn't have to mean, you know, we.

Hell, maybe we take
this away from Monica,

she even kills herself.

Now, that is... dark.

- But it's... also...
- But it's good. No, it's good.

Except, she is Roscoe's mother.

So that makes it a little tricky for me.


I wish I didn't love Roscoe so much,

because that's kind of my
favorite part of this plan.

Are we jumping in?


Well, fuck yeah.