House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 5, Episode 5 - Above Board Metrics - full transcript

Marty reluctantly reunites with a couple of his most objectionable past clients in an attempt to possibly expand the business of a major cruise line; Clyde gets in the way of Doug fulfilling his high-seas fantasy; Jeannie gets emotional over her baby.

Hustle it up.

Previously on House of Lies...

I know you thought you'd
made it into Marty's most

intimate circle, and here
comes Jeannie, and just like that...

booted unceremoniously down the
hall, out of the old pussay.


I want to buy you, Marty.

It's been a while since your people

could buy my people.

This offer is no longer exclusive.

Seven times my
revenue... when Skip buys my firm,

that is what he's gonna
put in my pocket.

Maybe we
take this away from Monica.

Well, fuck yeah.

I'm gonna get my
company so pumped up,

that my valuations are just jacked.

20 stories tall,

four football fields in length.

Movie theater, retail shops.

And it ain't even the
biggest ship in the fleet.

Oh, put on your slickers and grab
your chum buckets, kiddies,

because from this point on,
it is big game fishing only.

Ugh. As opposed to
before, when, you know,

we were just fucking around.

Hey, it's fired-up
Marty. I love fired-up Marty.

Last year, Palace Cruises did...

Just over

4.6 billion in revenue.

God, I love that word... billion!

'Cause you know what
billion-dollar clients mean?

Big fat fucking zeros at
the end of that fat-ass check

that Skip Galweather's gonna
cut to acquire K and A.

Assuming your ex-wife doesn't
win the offer first.

Correct, which is why I want this
particular whale harpooned

and rendered by the time

we reach port of call in
the next couple of days.

Puts us back on a plane to L.A.,

where we will secure more business

and make ourselves

And I can get back to our child.

Well, yes, we got to get
back to Phoebe. Phoebe, of course.

But can we make it happen, captain?

Yes, we can.

And can we make it happen, Douglas?!

Just call me Ishmael.

Uh, can we make it happen, Clyde?

Clyde, would you like to stop looking...

I got it. I got it. I got it.

Get in here. We're doing a thing.

Winning business good, losing bad.

Jeannie wants to see her kid.
I'm with you, chief. Let's go.

Great. Dinner's in a couple hours.

Till that time, we're gonna get settled,

take a look around the ship,

try to come up with something nice

to say to the captain and CEO at dinner.

The captain? Hold up, hold up, hold up.

Are you serious?

We're sitting at the
captain's table tonight?

Don't fuck with me on this, Marty.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's just that this ship is
captained by Megan Dunleavy.

One of the few female
captains in the cruise line industry.

Get this. She worked her way up

to master mariner in three short years.

So what's the term if
it happens out at sea?

Is it still considered stalking?

- It's called stalking, right?
- I'd call it stalking.

What about sea stalking?

It's stalking for sure.

Jeannie, Jeannie, Jeannie, it
is every little boy's fantasy

to sleep with a ship
captain, am I right?

Oh, Doug.

It absolutely is not.


I've never had that fantasy before,

and I will fuck anything.

And don't you have a girlfriend

who also happens to be our client?

Well, uh, Marty, we
never said we were exclusive.

I don't give a shit.

See? Marty gets it, yeah?

No stranger himself to the joys

of mixing business and pleasure. Up top.

That, and the fact that
she already signed a contract.

- Up top! Don't give a shit.
- Ah.

Wasn't that funny.

It's not what I'm laughing at.

Is that Marty Kaan?!

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Ooh, come to get his dick
wet on the high seas, eh?!

It is!


- Fucking Dushkins.
- Oh, yeah.


Oh, the whole gang is here!

Alex and Kyle.

What the fuck are you guys doing here?

Palace Cruises begged us...

Begged us!

To come run a club night for them.

And we are fucking killing it.

- Yes!
- Yay.

You gotta come.

Oh, look at this.

"So much fun, you'll ship your pants."

You'll ship your pants, bro!


Okay. Wow.

On the count of three,

the first knot you ever learned
to tie. You ready?

One, two, three. Cleat hitch!

I think it was a sheet bend.

A sheet bend?

That was the second one I learned.


God, you're just full of surprises.

Let me ask you something.

Would you mind me citing your
story in my upcoming TED talk?

Oh, my God, Douglas, are
you giving a TED talk?

Why didn't you tell anybody?

We would've loved to know about that.

See, part of my talk's

about overcoming adversity,

and I think your story, Captain,

would be an inspirational example.

I'm sorry. My-my story of adversity?

Well, yeah.

You know, being a woman.

Well, in a male-dominated profession

is what... You know what I meant.

Douglas, maybe you should stop digging.

I feel like the hole

is deep enough.



Earlier, I was telling
Marty how impressed I am

that you do all your business onboard.


I do think it'sortant to understand

how much fun we have around here.


That's clear.

So, how can we be more profitable?

Well, we're still replatforming

the journey line, you
know, to trend-jack

secular market space migration,

exploring ancillary liquidity scenarios.

It's gonna take a...

gonna take a minute.

- I see.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, I guess I'll just
have to wait till the morning.

Mm-hmm. Ready for me?

- Excuse me.
- Yeah.

Do you wear that
jacket everywhere?

I do.

Is there any chance...?

Clyde, hey.

I need you to fast-track a deck
with some good solutions

that we can put in front of
this guy first thing in the morning.


And you're still sitting here...?

I'll do it after
dinner. What am I gonna do?

I'm at the table right now.

You're gonna do this.

Right now, we're eating with

- the captain right now.
- Clyde.


Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let me steal you for one second,

- just because I may have to leave.
- Mm-hmm.

What the fuck?

Was I not just crystal clear?

You were.

It's almost as if

he has nothing to gain

and a whole lot to lose

if this sale to Skip goes through.

Let's get wet!

All right, well, remember
it's not cheating

in international waters.

- Enchanté.
- Nice.


you have got to fuck the captain.

Yep, put it in her port

and her stern.

Those are boat terms!

Excuse me!

That's our captain you're talking about.

You show some respect.

And I'm sure she was simply

being cordial to a
passenger at her table.

I don't think she's
gonna go and fuck Clyde.

All right, Doug.

I'm sure she offers tours
of the engine room

to, like, everybody, right?

- Bro, are you kidding me?!
- What? What, what, what?

Engine room is totally off-limits
to passengers.

She didn't make it seem that way.

You know what's not off-limits?

Don't say her vagina.

Her pussy!

Excuse me, excuse me.



Clyde? Doug?

The fuck are you doing here?

Clyde's gonna fuck the captain.

Right in the engine room.

That is awesome.

Uh, but before that
happens, we got a little business

that we need to talk about.

So fuck off, Dushkins.



- You guys want a drink?
- No.

I want to know what the
fuck you are doing here

and not in the data dump room.

Yeah, well, we were in the
data dump room, Marty.

And the data dump
room led us right here.

Why don't you take a look around?

This place is fucking packed.

They got V.I.P. booths.
They have bottle service.

There is a motherfucking line

to get into a club on a cruise ship.

But you want to know the best part?

None of it is covered

in the all-inclusive package.

But all these people
are more than happy to pay,


Because it's alcohol

and it's vacation and fuck it.

- Mm.
- Fuck it.

And fuck it.

Think about it.

Oh, no.

- Yeah.
- No.

- No.
- I know this goes against

every fiber of your being, but
we ran the numbers, okay?

The play to secure
optimal profits for Palace Cruises

and a shit-ton of
after-work for K and A...

- Don't.
- is standing

right over there,

dressed in suits made of cartoons.

Oh, fuck yeah! Who's
having a good time tonight?

A dedicated party
ship run by the Dushkins?

That is our recommendation, yeah.

Here are some first-year
profit projections, sir.


Fuck me.

The Dushkins have
already made you a lot of money

in a short amount of time

with a limited amount of space.

Implement this expansion...

And they'll make you a boatload more.

It helps if you look at the boat. Okay.


You're suggesting that I expand

business dealings with the Dushkins?

Have you spent time with these men?

- Yes.
- Yes.

They're-they're assholes.

Uh, I'm gonna stop you there.

They're huge assholes.

But the fact of the matter
is they do have the Midas touch

when it comes to party promotion.

They know how to monetize the space

better than anyone in the country.

Well, that may be,

but they won't even sign
the contract on this ship

until the demands in
their rider are met.

They-they have a rider?

Oh, yeah.

Let me just read
you a couple highlights.

A private helicopter
to and from the boat.

- Huh.
- Flying lessons.

- Wow.
- One live-in masseuse.

In parentheses, hot.

One live-in chef.

In parentheses...

- hot.
- Hot. Yeah, saw that coming.

Starting to sound like Jeannie's rider.

'Cause of all the "hot"...

- Yeah.
- Oh, we're having fun.

Listen, we've done
business with these guys before.

We know how to talk to assholes.

We speak fluent asshole, sir.

- Thanks, Doug.
- You got it.

And we believe

that we can get them down
to some reasonable demands.


You get this down to,
say, a page, we're in business.

Do I have to say I'm skeptical?

Please allow me to say
that we look forward

- to making you a believer.
- Yes.



So, listen, Clyde,

I don't want to get
into a pissing match with you

- about the captain,
- Oh.

So I'm respectfully asking
you to stand down.

I would, but I really...

I really do want to
see that engine room.

Why? You've seen one
engine room, you've seen 'em all.

- Who cares?
- No, but this one is supposed

- to be special, and she's gonna
- No, it's not. It's boring.

be the one that shows it to me.

- So I really...
- Please don't. Please don't.

I-I hate you.

Best part is, you won't have
to put up with me for much longer.

What does that mean?

It means that if this
sale to Skip goes through,

we are fucked, Douglas.

Think about it, even
in a best-case scenario,

if he doesn't fire us, you really think

he's gonna let two guys
in the Marty Kaan regime

fucking rise up the ranks?

Oh, please. He doesn't remember us.

- Really?!
- No.

Okay, we saw him take a
shit in Marty's briefcase.

You think he's gonna remember us, Doug?

- Yeah, we're fucked.
- Yes.

And do you want to know the

- fucking worst part?
- What?

Even after all these years,

Marty never offered to make us partners.

I mean, at least then we
would have a piece of the action.

But now we have fucking nothing.

Would have been nice, right?


All right, come on. We're up.

Take that, loser!

What the fuck? Goddamn
it, what did I tell you?

Well, hello.

Buenos dias.

So what'd you guys think of the club?

Um, to be honest, I found
it a little depressing.

Depressing?! Hold on!

Fuck do you mean the club's depressing?

People love our club.

They love our club.

Last night, some old dude told us

he got an under-the-table
handy from his wife.

First time in 30 years.

Does that sound depressing to you?

Doesn't sound depressing to me.

It's not not depressing.

Guys, the club is fantastic.

What's depressing is the
squandered opportunity.

Right now, you're in a limited space,

and you're just wasting your talents.

Could you imagine if you owned

an entire ship?

Right? I mean, your own fucking ship.

Owned by you,

operated by you.

Dushkin Party Cruise Lines.

Did you just say "Dushkin

- Party Cruise Lines"?
- Yeah.

Jeannie, oh, my God, guess what I say.

Sign me the fuck up.

We fucking love this idea, Marty.

Love this idea.

- It's a great idea.
- Mm.

First thing we're gonna
do is put in some real shops.

Yeah, get rid of all
this family-friendly bullshit.

Yeah, yeah, instead of Gap, Gucci.


Instead of that
stupid fucking M&M store...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, an S and M store.


- Instead of Starbucks...
- No, no, wait, wait.

We'll... let's keep the Starbucks.

We'll keep the Starbucks.

Guys, you can do whatever you want.

It's your own fucking ship.

- Ooh, fucking love this idea!
- Yeah!

How do we make this happen?

Hey, Marty, can
I talk to you for a second?

Uh, can it... can it wait?

I mean, we're talking to the Dushkins

about their own boat right now.

Yeah, about that.

Uh, we ran the numbers and, um...

There's a problem.

- What?
- What problem?

Uh, looks like start-up costs

are higher than we
initially projected, guys.

Taking into account thip,

upkeep, staff, basic insurance coverage.

All in?

You're looking at 200 mil.

$200 million dollars?

Marty, we don't have
$200 million dollars.

So what? You're the
fucking Dushkins, you can get it.

Yeah, we're sort of in this rebuilding

phase right now though.

Kind of doubled down on
our cologne, Snatch.

- By Dushkin?
- By Dushkin.

Burned our backers.

- Fuck.
- Ugh, man.

That sucks.

Dushkin Party Ship, it
was a hell of an idea.

- Fuck.
- I would've gone on

that thing in a second.


Double fuck.

- We're gonna think about this.
- Really?

Sorry, guys.

Put some pants on, have a think.

And now we wait.

Nice elbow.

We need to talk about my exit strategy.

Your exit strategy?


I got no incentive to stay.

And I'm fucked at K and
A if Skip takes over.

Check ball, all right?

You know you should've made me
partner a long fucking time ago.

- Jesus Christ.
- I worked my fucking ass off for you.

Yeah, and we paid you
for that, right, Clyde?

You know what your problem is?

Oh, this ought to be beautiful.

What's my problem, buddy? Hmm?

You made up your mind about
me a long fucking time ago.

Doesn't matter what I do, doesn't matter

how much I fucking grow,
that's never gonna change.

- Got you.
- Yeah.

Well, guess what, you
whining about it like a little bitch,

is that supposed to show
me how much you've matured?

- I'm not fucking whining.
- Then what are you doing, Clyde?

Fine, can we talk about my
severance package or not?

Yeah. When we get back to
the office, all right?

They will figure this
out eventually, right?

Oh, yeah, they'll put it together.

It's a simple solution.

Yeah, but they're pretty simpleminded.

Yeah, that's true.

- There he is!
- Hey!

Where have you been, Clyde?

Why is there soot all
over your jacket? Oh.


That is fucking weird.

Okay, very good.

Showing up late.

The soot from the engine
room on your jacket.

Oh, I get it.

What do you get?

Well, he's trying to make me think

that he fucked the captain, but
I know that didn't happen.

Oh, he's right, I didn't.

So you're denying it.

I am. I am.


Then where'd the soot come from?!

- Why are you late?!
- Hey.

Are you fucking with me right now?!


- Doug.
- Well-well, denying it

makes me think he really
did, when he actually didn't.

- That makes sense.
- Yeah, smart.

You didn't fuck the captain.

No, I didn't fuck the captain.

Oh, fuck you, Clyde!

Okay, here we go. You watching that?

See the tumblers, they're
starting to line up.

They put it together. That's it, boys.

Now do a celebratory chest bump!


- Marty!
- Over here!



We have got an idea.

What? Hello, focus.

Uh, instead of us
putting up the money to run a ship...

Palace Cruises gives us one to run.

Oh, my God.

Wow, that is a great idea,

but I do see one small problem.

Yeah, the-the CEO hates you guys.

Yeah, he hates you guys.

He's got a real stick up his ass

about the rider in your contract.

Well, Marty, you
should talk to him about that

- and see if maybe you could...
- Loosen the stick?

- Yeah!
- I guess I could try.

Worth a shot.

- Yeah, Marty!
- Yeah, but here's the thing.

In order for this to
have any chance of working,

you're going to have to back down

on all those demands in that rider.


You got to do it, guys.

All of them?

Listen, it's that or no ship, okay?

Your call.

- The rider, the ship...
- That's tough.

Think it over.

Very smart.

- Fuck it.
- Fuck it.

Rider demands rescinded.

- Wow.
- Okay, then.

We're gonna bust our ass and
try to get you guys a ship.

- Fuck yeah!
- Yes!

All right.

Okay, guys, got a lot of work to do.

- Get out of here.
- Crunch some numbers.

- We'll be in touch.
- Yeah!

I think that went great.

Yeah. I feel like a
little bit of a clap.

- Shots?!
- Shots!

- Shots.
- Yeah.


Shots, shots, shots.

- No, no, no, no, no.
- Hit it again.

- I got to dance it off!
- Oh!

I'm king of the ship!

That's not the line, asshole!

I fucking deserve a partnership, Marty.

You know that!

You "deserve" it?

I do fucking deserve it.

- Guys, guys...
- Yes!

Do you know what the
word "deserve" means?

- Guys...
- Yes, I do!

It means you fucking earned it.

- Fuck you!
- Aw...

- Fuck you.
- Fuck you!

Fuck you, Clyde.

- Fuck you, you piece of shit!
- You guys suck!

Such a buzz kill.

- Bye, Jeannie.
- Let me be who I'm supposed

- to fucking be!
- Oh!

I should be up where you are.

Should I call the wambulance?

- Yeah, call the wambulance.
- Here it comes.

- See what happens.
- Wah-oh!

Wah-oh! Wah-oh! Wah-oh! Wah-oh!

I fucked you, man.

- No. No.
- I did.

- No, Clyde, I'm sorry, man.
- You know what I would've done

- if Skip gave me that offer?
- What?

The same exact thing
that you fucking did.


Dude, you are my favorite work son.

I love you. Just don't tell blah.

- I'm not gonna tell the...
- What?

- What?
- I love you, too, Marty!

- Come on, man.
- Marty!


I got to pump and dump.

- Ah!
- Oh!

That's my girl.



Sweet potato fries!

Ew, ew, ew, ew!

There's no booze here.

Hey, you know what has
high... a high alcohol content?

What has high alcohol content?


I dare you.

Oh, you fucking dare me?

- I da...
- You fucking dare me?

What are you guys talking about?



- Drink that baby food!
- Chug, chug, chug!

- Baby! Ba... No, come on, Clyde!
- Drink that baby food!

- Drink that baby food!
- Chug, chug!

- Chug, chug, chug! No, Clyde!
- Drink that... Yes! Yes!

Goddamn it! You fucking asshole!


God, the suspense is killing me.

Stay, stay, stay.



Look under your chairs!

Oh, what is it?

That's right!

You get a partnership!

- And you get a partnership!
- No.

No way!

Are you serious?!

- Marty!
- Marty!

Marty, I love you! This is unbelievable!

We did it!

Oh, shit.

I'm late.

I'll see you guys tomorrow, all right?

Nice try, Clyde.

I'm still not falling
for it.

Hey, be careful, buddy.

Yeah, right.

You know something?

We're... really, really good at life.

- Yep.
- Like, we...

we have this
business we're about to sell

for some serious "fuck you" money.

Oh, my God, serious money.

And we have a kid, Marty!

We have a beautiful, amazing...

And she's so well-adjusted.

She's-she's five months
old, but I like your optimism.

And, yeah, it sucks that
we have to travel so much

d-during these formative
months, but that's gonna change.

And that builds character.

It's a character builder.

I mean, we are

killing it as parents!

I agree!

Killing it!

That's what I'm saying.


What's going on?

What happened? You're changing.

Oh, no, don't cry.

Jeannie, don't-don't cry.

We were just killing
it. We just had fun.

Don't cry, Jeannie.

Yeah, don't cry, Jeannie.

What if we're not killing
it as parents, Marty?

We just said we're killing it.

I love her so much!

I know. I know.

Okay, come on.

Oh, my God.

Tell the captain to
stop driving in circles.

What are you doing?

I'm calling our baby.

Jeannie, don't do that.

You're drunk, okay?

It's gonna come off as desperate.


I want to talk to my baby.

What time is it?

Just fucking put her on.

Come on. It's the nanny. "Please."

Just fucking put her on, please.

There you go.

Hi, bun.

Hey, boo-boo.

How you doing, bunny?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Can you say hi to Mom and Daddy?

Hi, bunny. We miss you.

Hi, mama. We miss you.


Oh, my God, look at her.

She's getting so big.


You're getting so big!

Love you.


Some night, huh?

Oh, hey.

What are you doing here?

It's me, Doug.

Cleat hitch.

I knew it.

I'm sorry?

Listen, Cap, uh...

I know we've been
doing this little dance,

but, uh, I head back to L.A.

tomorrow, and...

I guess what I'm saying is,

I'm just a boy standing in
front of a ship captain...

Okay. You need to go
back to your stateroom.

Hey. Hey, hey.

It's wildly
inappropriate that you're here.

Oh, I see.

But if Clyde were here, it'd
be wildly appropriate, right?

Who is Clyde?

"Who's Clyde?"

Like you don't know good
old "engine room" Clyde.

You two...

peas in a fucking pod.

He's here now, isn't he?

- I'm calling security.
- Whoa.

Okay, hey! Okay, okay, fine.


I knew it.


Who you calling?


Captain Dunleavy.

So cool.


I'm the captain now.



Did we have sex?




Did we drunk-dial our baby last night?


Oh, no.

Don't worry, mama.

We are still fucking killing it.


We're killing it. Hmm.

We'll be
docking at our first port of call

in approximately ten minutes.

Welcome to Cabo San Lucas.

So... how do you
think it's going over there?

Know what?

If anyone can get it done, it's Marty.

Yeah. Yeah, he can.

Wasn't cream, it was ice cream.

But I'm gonna tell
you just like I told him...

Look at him, he's going for it.

Come on, Marty.

Got to try the sorbet!

Well, I-I'm really glad that
you enjoyed our dessert bar so much.

You're goddamn right I did, Patrick.

It's a fucking home run.

What's happening?

Any luck with the Dushkins?

Well, the Dushkins.

They're gonna run a boat for you.


And they have agreed
to forgo their rider.


How on earth did you do that?


Looks like you guys got yourself a boat.

- Yes, we did!
- Yeah, we got a fucking boat!

Yes, we did!


Marty fucking Kaan!

Marty fucking Kaan!

Marty Kaan! Marty Kaan!

Where's Doug?

Marty, Jeannie, thank God.

What an ordeal.

I swear to God, if we
miss this fucking plane...

I need a coconut water so bad.

- How did you do it?
- Whoa.

Did you trade cigarettes for things?

- Get away from me.
- For, like, a calculator?

Did you drop the soap?

You know, I went my whole life

without being incarcerated.

- Incarcerated?
- Yeah.

They put you in a room and
demagnetized your key card.

Yeah, thanks to you and
your childish mind games.

Oh, my God, how
did you get through it?

Aren't you glad you
made them both partners?

I did what now?