House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 5, Episode 3 - Holacracy - full transcript

Previously on House of Lies...

Clyde just took Jeannie's
office, like that.

- No... It's mine!
- It's mine!

You guys make this shit better.

- We'll make it better.
- See that?

That's why Clyde gets the office.

- Kelsey.
- What, Clyde?

You got a real, functional
heart in there.

- I don't want to share you with anyone.
- What's this?

Your letter of resignation.

I filed a sexual harassment
claim against you.



- Fuck these guys.
- Okay, fuck 'em.

You bought me out on stock options.

You're welcome, Grant.

Oh, fuck.

We pay you to walk the fuck away.

Skip, go fuck yourself.

What are these motherfuckers
waiting on? Yo!

Play...

You know what, fuck it.
I'm just gonna hit.

This shit wouldn't
happen at Augusta, man.

Oh, this definitely isn't Augusta.

'Cause if it was Augusta, we'd
be carrying trays right now.

I wouldn't be carrying no tray.

- Shit.
- Shit.



All right, fuck it, let's
go play Augusta, man.

Well, we just gonna apparate
there like Harry Potter?

No, we gonna jump on my G5. I got a
tee time for 8:00 a.m. tomorrow.

We get on my plane, get
there, eat a steak.

And after that, wake up in
the morning, hit that shit.

- Mm.
- Be a lovely, lovely time.

It would be a lovely, lovely time.

But I have a lovely,
lovely job, remember?

Not all of us parachuted out at 38.

I forgot, you're the guy that
flies around the country

- telling people richer than you are...
- Mm.

How to get even richer
while you stay the same.

- That's right. My bad, my bad.
- Yup.

- My... my bad.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That-that's me. For now.

Like this nut bucket you got
in New Mexico. Why don't you

tell him he's on the
"life's too short" list?

Because my man is worth
11 billion racks.

The motherfucker's in space.

I like the motherfuckers
in space, Donald.

That's why you're not in my business.

I need 'em out there. That way, I can

extract the money, you know?
Deplete that bank account.

Sometimes a gig is just a gig, okay?

Can't all be limos and
blow jobs all the time.

Holy shit.

Speaking of blow jobs.

- Marty Kaan!
- Aw, fuck me.

Skip Galweather.

No, fuck me!

Holy shit!

I'm sorry, um, was I holding you up?

- Little bit.
- So-so sorry.

I called the clubhouse;
they said no problem

keeping you guys waiting, so
I can catch up to my guys.

- Yeah, yeah, here we go.
- What the fuck are you doing?

I just got an old shoulder injury.

I got to stretch it out. Here we go.

Yeah, that's good.

Why don't you just drop one down

in the fairway there and say it's one?

Well, I would like to,
but I'm not going to.

Son of a bitch.

Thank you, guys.

Here we go.

Don't want to use one of your balls?

Yeah, thanks for teeing
up for me, Martin.

I appreciate that.

There we go.

280 down the middle of the fairway.

Oh, my God.

I think I recognize your foursome.

- It's the Monopoly guy.
- Mm-hmm.

And that's Colonel Sanders.

The dude on the right, isn't
that... that's Satan.

Yeah, that looks like him.

It makes no difference
who those guys are,

except that they're very important;

important enough to keep you
waiting on the golf course.

Yeah, I wouldn't hit into
Colonel Sanders or Satan.

No, definitely not Satan.

- Hey, Martin?
- Yeah?

You and I should play a
round of golf sometime.

Talk about life.

It's never gonna happen.

See, that's the shit I'm talking about.

You're very odd this morning.

I'm odd every morning.

So, you know my app Fruity Face?

Yeah.

It sold.

Like a real offer?

Actually, we closed yesterday.

Fuck yeah! Way to go.

Seven figures.

What...?

- That's amazing.
- Yeah.

Seven figures for Fruit Man, Fruity Man.

Fruity Face.

Fruity Face, Fruity Face.

Wow...

Hey, hey!

Oh, my God, look at you two.

So cute.

- Hi, Doug.
- Hey.

Look, sorry to take up
precious moments here,

but do you mind if I bend
your ear for just a second?

No.

Ha, ha!

Anyway, my Dungeons & Dragons mentee,

now client, Tess
Symington, aka Sabretha,

has asked for a D&D; tutorial.

Tutorial? Really?

See, as her Dungeon Master,

it puts me in a very delicate situation,

because I know in the real world,

she's a powerful businesswoman,
but she's a fragile virgin

in the world we inhabit together.

If I hadn't saved her ass,

she'd have perished in the
Lair of Abrax the Evil.

And that's a level one!

Bye, Doug.

We'll talk later.

Wait, so is she or isn't she

looking for something more?

Clyde? Clyde?

That's right.

All of it, bitch.

You know, this could be difficult,

but you make it so much easier.

Hustle it up!

And don't leave any of
your girly snot and tears

on my furniture, okay?

You know, I actually don't feel safe

being in the same room with you.

Seeing as you're a known
workplace predator.

Would you just show me one sexy
ball on the way out, Clyde?

Aw...

Bless your heart, Clyde.

Are you fucking kidding me right now?

Sweet, sweet Clyde.

I really feel for you, buddy.

You know what, Doug?

Get that patronizing bullshit
out of my fucking face.

I know, I know.

- I get it. Thought you made it..
- No!

Into Marty's most intimate circle.

And here comes Jeannie, and
just like that, you're out.

Booted unceremoniously down the hall,

out of his embrace,

for the old puss-ay.

- Ew.
- Come here, bring it in.

- Get the fuck away from me.
- Yeah, come...

Sincerely, Doug, get
the fuck away from me.

- I know you want this Guggenlove!
- Get off of my...

You leave me the fuck alone. I don't...

- How's this? There it is.
- I don't...

Right?

Guys having a little
sword fight down below?

You see, real men can hold each other.

Marty Kaan, once again

sticking it right in my fucking ass!

You told me that I would have
autonomy within my team!

And you believed me, even
after you tried to kill me.

- Dick.
- Yeah, and somehow

you still cash my checks.

I cash your checks because you
wedged me into a buyout, and now

you're squeezing my balls
on the little bit of turf

- I have left here.
- Hmm.

I'm really thinking of pulling
my people out of here.

Oh, well, that would be
stupid even for you, Grant.

I'm sick of your shit, Marty!

Something tells me that your
people would not follow you.

Oh, you want to see?

- Why don't we see?
- I think it's called a contract.

Fucker!

Hey, Jeannie, welcome
back. And good-bye.

Okay, come on, come
on, come on, come on!

I happen to know that the
two of you have a grudging

fondness for one another.

Huh! Oh, you know, it's not personal.

He's just a fucking asshole.

Okay, I also happen to know

that Marty sees you

as a major leader in the media
division moving forward.

Media?

Hmm.

- Right, Marty?
- Yeah.

I was gonna tell you before you

burst in here acting like an asshole.

Just give me a minute with Marty

and we will pick it up again.

I promise.

All right.

- Douche bag.
- Dickhead.

- Fuck-stick.
- Cum-stain.

"Hey, Grant, how about you

run our media department?"

What the fuck are you doing to me?

You're not a people person, Marty.

Really? You think?

I'm not just talking
about Grant Stevens.

I think you need help.

- No, I do not.
- We're trying

to assimilate eight different
companies here, Marty,

and you insist on going
on the road every week.

What the fu...? I got to land
what I got to land, boo.

I'm not trying to argue.

I just think it would benefit
us to bring in some help.

Now, I know he's a dick,

but you cannot argue that he's good.

He just got out of his contract
with Denna Altschuler.

No.

- And this is what he's great at.
- No, no, no.

- It's exactly what he does.
- Do not say...

Ron Zobel!

I am not bringing that
fuck-nut into this company.

I don't care that he's a
great turnaround artist.

And I don't care that his
loyalties have realigned.

You cannot come in here and just
blow my shit up on day one.

Okay?

So... no.

Flight 930 to Santa Fe.

So the COO is an old
B-school classmate of mine

- and his name is Yurgen Celebi.
- Yurgen.

- And, uh, his boss is Sean Chew, yeah.
- Sean Chew.

Made his first billion at
26 by starting Everyshirt.

Basically built a better mousetrap.

Revolutionized fulfillment though.

But now he's into this whole

Holacracy kick. You know, no hierarchy,

no bosses.

Celebi thinks it's gonna
tank the company.

Probably right. Doug!

- What are you doing?
- Doug?

Wait, no, I'm just, I'm... guys!

- This is a big deal! The K and A super-pod back together.
- Sorry.

- I just, I want to document it.
- Yeah.

Just get a quick one, get a quick one.

Hold on, let me do it.

You can't bump me, 'cause it'll shake.

Hold it straight, Doug!

Hold on a second! No, Jeannie!

- There's mine. You got her.
- Wait...

- Here's a quick one for you.
- No, rude.

Well, fine, you'll thank me

when you get these framed for Christmas.

I'm still not sure I see the
advantages of Holacracy.

You don't see the
advantages of Holacracy?

Okay, whoa, Jesus!

Close.

Sean Chew, humble visionary.

Come inside.

Kaan and Associates, come inside.

Marty.

- Hey!
- What's happening, man?

Good to see you.

All right, good to see you, brother.

Uh, drone's gone?

Yeah, I think it's gone.

Uh, Yurgen Celebi, this is
Jeannie van der Hooven,

Doug Guggenheim, Clyde Oberholt.

This is my top team.

Good, cool, great, awesome
and other superlatives.

Look, I got orders from Sean
to bring you directly to him.

- Okay.
- So just...

Marty, this Holacracy thing,
it's fucking my shit up, okay?

I mean, no bosses, no organization.

Anybody can be in any
meeting any fucking time?

What the fuck kind of shit is that?

This whole thing is going pear-shaped.

Dude is off the
motherfucking reservation.

And get this, I'm employee number two

up in this bitch, right?

But I can't cash out
for another two years.

Now what if...

what if he blows this before then?

Yurgen, we are here, and
we have your back, okay?

Don't worry about it, buddy.

Okay. All right. Thank you, Marty.

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

Oh, of course.

We don't do it for the thanks.

Sean Chew.

I got to tell you, this is a great...

Shh.

What's happening?

Mmm.

I smell your brilliance.

Uh, yeah, well, uh, we
were stuck on that tarmac

- for a while.
- You're tired of it.

Even though you're getting
everything you want,

aren't you, Marty Kaan?

Um... no.

I'm-I'm good. We're just
here to help you, buddy.

- We all are.
- Absolutely.

Your piece in Forbes about
the soul of the customer,

- it changed my life.
- Really, Clyde?

I think I'm the one who
told you about Sean Chew

and his online retail revolution.

- I don't think so, buddy.
- Yeah, pretty sure.

Are you kidding? You girls
can't do this later?

No, it's... I'm just...

- It was in 2012. It's written in my planner.
- Shush.

I'm sure Yurgen wants me to give
up on Holacracy, doesn't he?

Well, I've been pretty
frank about that, Sean.

Do you understand Holacracy?

Do you "grok" Holacracy?

Uh, I understand it.

I'm not sure that I "grok" it.

Marty, if I may.

Sean, I got this.

"Grok" was originally coined
by Robert A. Heinlein

in his seminal 1961 sci-fi novel,

A Stranger in a Strange Land.

It essentially means to take
something in so deeply...

You Doug?

Am I Doug? Yes, sir.

Yes. Oh, my God. Doug Guggenheim.

- Ow!
- Yes!

Doug needs to shut the fuck up

while I mind-meld with Marty.

Hey, Douglas,

do you grok

shutting the fuck up?

Listen, all of you. Marty.

- Pretty blonde. Jewish guy.
- Sure.

Doug.

Holacracy is how we're going
to evolve as a species.

No boundaries, no
hierarchies, no titles.

Uh, for example, you, excuse me, you.

What do you do here?

Oh, hey, I'm Dicky. I'm in fulfillment.

Like, I pack boxes full of shirts.

Dicky, you are here attending a meeting

at the highest level of this company

because you felt that you had
something to contribute.

- Isn't that right?
- Uh, really just...

they allow us to take a
break to attend meetings,

and the AC is way better
in this building.

Ah.

See, Marty, now I know.

Now I know.

Let's make sure the AC in
the fulfillment center

is equal to the AC here.

I see you, Marty Kaan.

You're the ultimate skeptic.

Uh, you got me.

You're the man for whom the bell tolls.

It tolls for thee.

You're here to help me. You're
here to help Everyshirt.

But I'm going to help you.

Yes, by inculcating you into
a very special philosophy.

If I can win you over

to the way of seeing,
being that is Holacracy,

then I know that I am
on the right track.

You know how I'm gonna do that?

Oh, my God, they're Satanists.

Shit, I forgot my Satanist outfit.

Shh.

Greetings, my friends, my
new friends and associates.

Today we participate
in a sacred ceremony,

one that has been practiced
for thousands of years.

- Yep, told you.
- The practice

of partaking of the remarkable
teaching properties

of the ayahuasca.

Yagé.

Shori, natem.

Call it what you like,
it will still take you

exactly where you need to go,

let you see what you need to see.

This is Majo...

Hey, Majo.

That's Majo?

...our shaman.

She will be your guide

on this transformational path.

I welcome you all to the spirit realm.

Is there a bathroom?

It's good. Uh, just, does
it have gluten in it?

I just... because I've
got some dietary...

Sure, yeah.

What does it taste like?

No, I'm good. I'm gonna pass.

I'm good. I...

Uh, I'll have a little.

Just, like, a half.

Ugh, ugh.

Oh, yeah, nothing.

Kelsey.

Kelsey.

I'm gonna give you a sacred orgasm.

I'm sorry.

When you get back, I'm gonna make

some very sweet love to you.

Sweet love!

All right, fuck the dumb shit!

News flash.

I don't feel a fucking thing.

Shaman says close my eyes and
watch the movie of my spirit.

Know what happens when I close my eyes?

I see a to-do list.

I see my company.

I see the people I'm responsible to.

I mean, is that the movie of my spirit?

The fucking to-do list?

This guy's not thinking
about his to-do list.

Yeah, these two right here?

Definitely not thinking about the job.

Oh, wait, now this crazy motherfucker,

yeah, he's probably
thinking about the job,

but not in the same way that
I'm thinking about the job.

All right, I got to close
this motherfucker.

So let's do this shit.

Gnome.

And... and blue goblin.

And...

Smelly Jesus, tell me,
tell me, tell me now.

Does Tess-slash-Sabretha

really want a D&D; tutorial?

Or does she want a lover?

Oh, Majo.

Majo.

That's your name, right?

Doesn't matter anymore.

Let it go.

Let him go.

Oh, Majo.

Your breath is really
fucking with my high.

Kelsey, hey.

Hey, you okay?

I'm very altered right
now, but I'm good.

I just wanted to connect with
you to say that I miss you.

Hey, Clyde, there's no
great way to do this,

but I really feel the longer we
put it off, the worse it'll be.

No fucking way.

Well, it just...

You're breaking up with me?

Clyde, can you please...?

Right now, over the fucking phone,

No, I just... Can we...?

While I'm tripping on ayahuasca,

and you're probably sitting
there writing code?

Come on, you know things
have been weird lately.

No, you're probably... you're
probably right though.

That's probably a good move, Kels.

You just got so weird about
the Fruity Face thing, and...

No, no, no, I totally get it.

Yeah, break it off.

Uh-huh.

Fuck!

Have we been here a long time?

Have we been here a long time?

Marty. Marty.

Marty.

I'm so happy. I'm so happy.

I... I see God.

Yeah.

Marty.

Do you think that we will ever...?

Do... do you think that our daughter...

- Jeannie, Jeannie.
- Will ever...

Jeannie, Jeannie, Jeannie, Jeannie.

- See us...
- Boo, boo, boo, listen.

You're going through something
really profound right now,

but I'm just... I'm not there yet.

You're not?

- No.
- You're right.

I know. You're Marty Kaan.

You're working.

You're about to close Everyshirt.

- There you go.
- But I... I see you.

I see you, Marty.

Because I have a God-eye right
in the center of my forehead.

Right here.

And it sees you, and it sees
that you have a giant circle

around your head,

like the mane of a lion.

I just need some time to take it all in.

Okay? Bye. Bye-bye.

Fuck, that's soft.

That's so soft.

Dakota. Hey, Dakota.

Dakota, it's Clyde.

We're gonna make sweet, sweet love.

I don't know you, man.

You know Clyde. Beautiful
man. Sacred orgasm.

We were near the pots and the spoons?

I don't know you, fur man.

I need to find my pants.

You're Cobra.

I am Cobra Lord.

Guess I'm a lion, then.

Motherfucker.

Sean, Yurgen,

janitorial staff, I.T. guys.

I don't know what happened last night.

I mean, was it real?

I do not fucking know.

Felt real.

But what does "real" mean anymore?

Object, subject, fantasy,

reality... these words, they just

they don't have the same
meaning for me anymore.

I'll tell you what I do know.

Sean and I, we left our physical bodies

and we made an agreement
on a higher plane.

And we agreed that Holacracy

is a noble experiment
and it's worth a try.

What the fuck?

But you're gonna need us to
guide you, to advise you.

Doug Guggenheim will be heading up

our Holacracy transition advisory team.

Right, Doug?

Uh, what? Yes. Yes.

There you go. Clyde Oberholt!

Yes!

I will, of course, be
moving the technology

of Holacracy synergy and integration

into the 25th century.

I.T. team, do you hear me?

Yes, yes. And Jeannie van
der Hooven and myself...

Ooh! Will be working closely with Sean

to continue to advance the vision quest

that is Holacracy.

Okay. Yeah.

Because make no mistake, people,

this is a vision quest.

But it's gonna take work.

It's going to take imagination.

It's gonna take faith.

And a fuck-load of after-work.

Yeah!

Marty!

- Marty...
- Oh, boy.

You fuck!

You fuck! You piece of shit!

You just fucked me in every hole!

Whoa! Whoa. Okay.

Just take a breath, all right, buddy?

What? Take a breath?

Yurgen, Yurgen, Yurgen.

How much are you worth

- thanks to Sean Chew?
- No, no.

No, Marty. You don't get it.
What you just did to me...

- You, you, you, you.
- You did it to me.

You, you, you. How much, personally?

You?

On paper?

Over a billion dollars.

What? That's... huh? Over what?!

Holy shit!

That's amazing.

So if Sean thinks that
Holacracy is the shit,

don't you have the common
sense to just play that out?

I mean, has he ever been right before?

Let me see.

Every fucking time.

Come on.

Yurgen.

He's the Cobra Lord.

Wait.

How do you know about Cobra Lord?

You're welcome.

How do you know that?

The fuck?

Martin Kaan.

Ron Zobel? What the...

Oh, I agree, man.

What the fuck am I doing here?

I mean, after our last go-round, buddy,

I thought, "Next time
I see that dickhead,

I hope it's to piss
into his open coffin."

Yeah. But I...

But then I got your
message last night, man.

And, I mean, the way you talked
about working together...

What words did you use?
Hold it. You-you...

you hyperintellectual mind-fucker.

What was it?

It was, uh, "co-operative biosphere

of aggressive post-capitalism,"

or whatever else you were talking about

with the sort of... God and colors,

and, I mean, it was genuinely,

it was genuinely visionary...

visionary stuff.

So listen. I just have a couple
loose ends I need to tie up,

you know, in some other sectors,

but then, oh, I'm yours,

balls deep, my brother.

Um... okay, but...

All right, now look, now look, now look.

I know about Skip's offer, okay?

And don't think that it didn't

also influence my decision a little bit.

And I know that you're less than
enthusiastic about this idea,

but listen, you know what?
We're just gonna let it sit.

Let's just let that brilliant
Martin Kaan mind just...

Huh? Like bread and bouillabaisse, okay?

'Cause we don't want your ex-wife

walking away with all that money.

My...

Did you not know about that?

She's the so-called "front-runner."

But, listen, I'm betting

we're gonna blow her
right out of the water!

Yeah.

Did you save that message?

I don't know what that means.

No, Ron, I need to hear the message.

So they can't wear armor
or a mage's robe,

uh, so obviously, in that scenario,

the last thing you want to
be is a warforged monk.

Okay.

I guess that makes sense.

Does it?

Yeah? So does that...

Yeah.

All right, so that's...
that's what you're after?

I mean, yeah, it's helpful.

- The dumplings are great.
- Yeah.

I-I mean, you wouldn't
think they'd travel,

but...

Honestly, they're...

It's like magic dumplings or something.

Yeah. Okay.

I think, I think we both know
what I'm about to ask you,

and, uh, I just, I wanted you to know...

Okay, wait.

Is this about my arcane spell failure?

What? No.

- Uh, no.
- 'Cause I...

No, that was, that was bad,

- but no, that's not what this is about.
- Okay, I...

It's, um...

Look, I-I think, uh...

Well, am I way off,

or-or do you think you might consider

maybe, I don't know, um...

uh...

going out with me?

Wow. That's so junior high.

- No, I-I mean...
- Wait. No shame spiral.

I didn't say that I wasn't into you.

I am, actually, kind of into you.

So, yeah, I would go out with you.

Whatever.

Did I see Ron Zobel in here?

A while ago?

Yeah. Um...

Apparently, I was

a little less in control

than I thought I was last night,

and I hired him.

Good call.

My brain feels like dog shit

from that ayahuasca.

But, man, was that something.

I was a fucking lion.

Yes, you were!

Do you even want me

back at K and A, Marty?

Are you kidding me?

Don't make a joke.

I'm just...

feeling very fragile,

and, um, 'cause of the whole thing,

and the ayahuasca has got
me questioning everything.

Jeannie, I am fucking thrilled.

I can't do this shit without you.

Good answer.

Oh, man.

Mm...

- It's a comfy couch, huh?
- Mm-hmm.

You have one of those in your office?

Oh! Yeah, gotcha.