House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 4, Episode 8 - He Didn't Mean That, Natalie Portman - full transcript
Marty and Jeannie entice Denna with a retaliatory business move; things grow complicated.
Today is payday, motherfucker.
$2.5 million in fees and...
K and A is picking up
an extra9.2 million
equity piece.
Previously on House of Lies...
Since we killed it
at Gage Motors,
we are out of the woods.
Can you please just tell me
when the money is coming, Ellis?
Gage put K and
A back on the map.
That should be
more than enough payment.
It would take a Titan
to be able to afford
to challenge us legally.
I have to go pick up
my asshole father.
I'm gonna drop dead in some
Gomorrah flophouse. Terrific.
What are you talking about?
Stage four pancreatic,
wise ass.
She's smart, funny,
knows exactly what she wants.
I feel like there's
something special here
and we should really see where it goes.
No.
My fault for being the gullible one, right?
You trust people.
It's one of the things
I like most about you.
Oh, God.
When are you gonna
rape and pillage my company?
I think I'm gonna stick
to raping and pillaging you.
Marty.
We were just talking about you.
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
You need to step up and
pay us the money, bitch.
Oh, we gonna make
these motherfuckers bleed!
This motherfucker.
Seven.
What?
Seven "motherfuckers"
since I got here.
Please, switch it up.
Motherfucker.
Eight.
I swear to God, Ellis Hightower
is the biggest, meanest
shark-eating-est whale
I have ever--
are you hearing me?--
that I have ever landed.
And what do I have
to show for it?
A fuckton of debt
and a metaphorically
aching asshole.
I swear, it's like...
it's like escaping the Titanic
and then burning to death
in the fucking life raft
as it goes up in smoke.
Hmm-mm!
Denna, come on.
Will you stop, please?
I need that more than you.
Mmm.
♪ Plays the victim
every time... ♪
Oh, thank you.
I ju... I mean, it's just
this motherfucking asshole.
I bring K and A
back from the brink, then...
I can see where this is headed,
so let me stop you.
The answer is still no.
I am not playing
Santa Claus to K and A.
Who asked you
to fucking play Santa Claus?
I'm high, not stupid.
Yeah, well, that look?
Kind of the same.
Come here.
Let's try again.
Ooh. Mm.
Ooh...
You still worried about Ellis?
Not for the next 15 minutes.
Fifteen?
You're optimistic.
You know you love a challenge.
Teeth, teeth. Teeth.
Morning, Dad.
So, my son.
What's up for us today?
Well, I don't know
what you're doing,
but I'm going to work.
Right. Of course.
Because they can't get by
without you at all.
That's why you're a partner.
Jesus, Dad, really?
All right. Calm down, would you?
But I still say
you ought to be able
to have one day off
to hang out with your dad,
who's on his last legs.
Oh... death card,
played before 8:00 a.m.
Hat tip, Dad. Fantastic.
You know what?
"Comedy is the refuge
of the simpleminded.
And blacks."
Descartes.
I'm pretty sure Descartes
didn't say "and blacks."
When was the last time
that you and me just hung out?
This is easy.
February, 1994.
I wanted to see Nirvana;
you took me to a greyhound race.
Look, let me just take you out
for one night, okay?
Dad...
It'll be a boys' night out.
It'll be fun.
You can do that for me.
Um...
Cancer.
Fine. Fine.
Okay?
You can take me out
on a boys' night.
But if you fuck me on this,
I'm taking that feral
piece of shit and throwing it
in a high-kill shelter.
He didn't meant that,
Natalie Portman.
You seriously named that cat
Natalie...
O...kay.
No, I see it.
Her face is kind of...
tiny, cute and Jewish.
All right, true or false:
Everyone in this room
thinks they're smarter than
everybody else in the building.
True.
True.
Okay. True or false:
Everyone in the building
thinks they're smarter than
everybody else in the world.
Mm, that's obvious.
That's probably true, yeah.
- Yeah, that's true.
- Okay.
So let's prove us all right
and find a way to find Marty Mar
$10 million before lunch.
Um, yeah. Mm.
Okay, Doug, spit it out.
What do you have?
Say it.
Well, okay.
Look, it's just an option,
but hear me out.
Uh, our old exterminator
client, Rat Man?
Well, he's got
a-a QVC line
of organic poisons out
now, and it's a big hit
with the stay-at-home mom set,
so we have an in.
Are you kidding me?
Oh, come on.
I cannot be the only one
who's seen those commercials.
With the little rats and their...
To be honest,
I don't know which one
is sadder, Doug watching QVC
in that gutted shack
he calls a home
or him thinking that this is
actually a viable option. Kids?
- QVC. For sure.
- QVC.
You can find a bargain on QVC.
- If only one of us were fucking
a billionaire investor. - Oh, my God,
why didn't I think of that?
Wait a minute,
already fucking thought of it.
- It's a non-starter.
- And yet those...
those larcenists at Gage
are printing money
because we sent their
stocks through the roof.
I mean, the poetry. We did that.
Boom.
Hmm?
Boom what?
You know I hate a hanging boom,
Marty. What do we got?
We-we did. We did send that
stock through the fucking roof.
Okay.
So we can
send it right back down
to the gutter.
Ellis already gave us
the silver bullet.
Yes, that's what
I was saying. Yes.
My office. 20 minutes.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, God. He gets it.
Oh, Marty...
I want a donut.
Yeah,
a fucking donut, Clyde. Okay?
And I might even eat
the whole box. And if you say
one more goddamn word
about my weight,
I swear I will highlight,
at full volume, every flaw
on your
under-earning body
until you weep like
the pussified waste of flesh
that you are.
Fuck...
Just asking
if you can bring me one.
Jesus Christ, Jeannie.
Sorry. I grew up poor, so I...
Could you maybe bring me one?
I don't know.
Okay.
Call me as soon
as it comes in, okay?
I mean as soon as.
Marty.
Okay, yes, Doug, I've
seen the commercials,
and I kind of like it when the
animated rat starts twerking.
I knew it.
I knew it.
What do you want?
Hey, so, um, you know Kelsey.
Nope.
Kelsey, the girl from YWTPA.
I can't keep track
of all the white gangs, Doug.
All right. Okay.
So you know her.
The thing is, uh,
well, I kind of slept with her
last night.
So?
Well, so...
Clyde has feelings for her.
I know.
It's insane.
Like, actual feelings.
And not just the ones
in his loins.
I mean...
We-we talked
about you using that word
around me, Doug.
God, it just feels good
in my mouth.
I don't know
why I do it. Yeah,
I don't know what to do. The-the
guilt is just eating away at me.
Okay, so stop fucking her.
Yeah, I don't know
if I can do that, Marty.
I mean, she's kind of
got this move.
Oof, it's insane.
It's like
this-this combination finger,
like, tongue-back arch thing.
Oh, my God.
It's amazing. Yeah.
But, um...
Yeah. I see what you're saying.
Okay. Thanks, buddy.
It's a good talk.
Yes, give me Denna Altshuler.
Look, my Uncle Grant is some
kind of big shot advertising guy
at Neon. He's on board
to hook up a bunch of free press
when the app launches.
Great.
Free? No. Bullshit.
He's gonna want equity.
Yeah.
Well, full disclosure, he's only doing it
so I won't out him
for molesting my brothers.
Wow. Okay.
Just so I can get this straight,
you will extort a pedophile,
but you won't get dinner with me
because that goes
against your moral code.
Yeah.
That's-that's your judging system.
Okay.
Jesus Christ.
Dude, I made up that last part.
Did you seriously think that...
I... Well... No, I know that.
- Really? - No, I feel sorry for Clyde.
I don't think he got it.
Dude, no, you're-you're dark.
Not... Come on.
I get... I get...
I get sex offender jokes.
It's, like, my sweet spot.
Oh, right.
So, uh, good times
last night, huh?
Yeah. For sure.
Yeah.
You, uh, want
to hang out again later?
Oh, my God, yes.
Absolutely. Definitely.
But...
I, um... I-I kind of feel guilty
about last night.
Is this because you have HPV?
What?
Seriously, why does everybody have fucking HPV?
No, no, no. God. Jesus. No.
It's... Look, I mean Clyde.
Clyde really likes you, Kelsey.
And Clyde doesn't
really like anyone, so...
So that means, what, I'm obliged
to accept his offer of penis?
No, no, no,
no, no, no. I-I...
I'm just saying
that I know Clyde comes off
like a bit of a douche.
And he is. Believe me,
no one knows that more than me.
But he's also my best friend.
So...
it's kind of a bit tricky,
huh? Boy.
Oh, the games we play.
Yeah,
am I being too hard on myself?
That's also a possibility.
No, you're right.
Am I?
I get it.
And, honestly,
I have mad respect
for a guy who'd give up
top-shelf genius vag
for a friendship.
Ooh, I wouldn't say "give up."
No, "give up" is-is very
strong, isn't it? And final.
No, no. I'm-I'm not looking
to fuck things up between you
and Clyde.
Good.
We can totally chill on the sex.
Awesome.
Clyde is
a good guy, so...
Good luck
finding another Rhodes scholar
who gives rimjobs though.
I tell Clyde
you can't just sit on your ass
and wait for opportunity
to fall in your lap.
But this generation?
The world is yours
for the taking.
You don't like your job,
you start your own corporation.
Oh, right. Yeah.
- Hey. - In your six-year-old son's name
so his credit is ruined
by second grade. Right?
Yeah.
Mm, this was nice.
Can I talk to you for one second?
Nice to meet you.
Hey, Dad.
What the fuck
are you doing here?
I just thought I would see
you in action. That's all.
So you could tell me everything
that I'm doing wrong?
Is that what it is? Okay.
Your words.
Dad, you got to get out of here.
I'm gonna see you tonight.
So I'll see you tonight.
What? What?
The hysterics.
Shades of your mother.
Even less attractive on you.
Okay. It's time to go. Thank you
for that. But it's time to go.
I just got here.
What else do you need to see?
You're smiling.
I'm smiling.
Okay.
Stop smiling.
It's freaking me out.
I can't. Oh, I've been chasing
Denna Altshuler's
huge, perky hedge fund
for over a decade,
and I finally have something
worth her time.
Assuming that's not
a penis reference,
care to elaborate
so maybe I can do my job?
Denna is a beast.
And beasts need to feed.
The bigger the beast,
the bigger the appetite.
Assuming that that's not
a penis reference...
I have a vague recollection
of Ellis Hightower pissing
all over his brand-new
baby prototype.
Found the security footage.
And if you zoom in very closely,
you can make out a bit
of back-spray hitting
an Indian fellow.
I believe the man's an engineer.
There's a bonus hate crime?
It's so despicably hate-y.
And Denna freebases hate.
Look, K and A,
not big enough to satisfy her.
But say, I don't know,
an extra $80 million
from shorting the Gage Motors stock?
Ooh.
We give her this ammo,
and greedy, greedy Denna
will gladly merengue all over Ellis's grave.
And there's
no traceable link back to us.
She goes public
and assumes all the risk.
Prison makes smarter criminals.
I'm gonna see you at the
restaurant tonight, okay?
Clyde.
No. No.
You're not gonna introduce us?
You must be Marty,
right? Harvey. Harvey Oberholt.
What is that? We are family.
You bring it in here, big guy.
Me, too. Me, too.
Get in here.
Both of you guys?
The more the merrier.
Oh, I'm Jeannie.
What a pleasure.
This is a nice operation
you've got here.
Of course, it could be better
if you were to use
Clyde here to his full potential.
Oh.
760 verbal. No tutoring.
We don't have to talk
- about that anymore, Dad. - This is partner
material you got over here, Marty.
You know what I'm saying?
Smart, smart boy.
Don't let him slip
between your fingers.
That is great advice.
Dear God, if you make this stop,
I will start believing in you.
Business cards. Awesome! Look, Jeannie.
- Amen.
- Okay.
Listen, we'll get together,
we'll talk shop.
You've had
some tough times here,
I know, but, uh,
you're gonna bounce back.
Trust me. I know the game
all too well.
Oh! Elevator. So you got to get going.
- Oh. Can we ride down with you?
- No. - Yeah, come on.
You don't have to. Marty. Oh...
No, we'd love to.
So you
were in consulting?
Well, sweetheart, let's just say
that, uh, I've done it all.
Well, then we've got
to hear it all.
♪ This is who I am ♪
Ellis Hightower is an abscess.
A blood-sucking fraud.
He fired every engineer.
The new model is a six-figure
death trap.
Total crisis
of confidence.
Leadership vacuum.
With an amuse-bouche
of underage hooker
and peeing on employee,
and, yeah, baby...
It's on video.
All on video.
Gage Motors stock is gonna
fall very, very far.
Very, very fast.
But only if someone
has the chesticles
to stand up and tell
the public the truth.
Short his stock,
seize the glory.
Bet against Gage, shake the
shareholders' confidence
until their stock tanks.
She knows what
to do, boo-boo.
Then she also knows
that Ellis'll never see it coming.
It's time to shut him down.
Shut him down.
Down.
Goddamn.
You know, I never considered
a threesome
until this very moment.
Of course, since this
information stands to bring home
truckloads of "fuck you
money" to Global...
Yeah, we're thinking that
a $22 million cash infusion
into the coffers of K and A,
that's an appropriate
"thank you."
Hmm.
I'll think about it.
And, for the record, I've had
"fuck you money" since the '90s.
Well, there was
a lot of talk back then
about me going pro.
Uh, bidding wars,
that sort of thing.
But the fact of the matter is--
not every guy
with a 93 mile per
hour fastball needs
to have that kind of
validation, you understand?
Cool.
Clyde!
Clyde, my boy!
I'm six inches away, okay?
Here are a couple of lovely
ladies I've just met.
You know what?
As a matter of fact,
don't worry about it.
Forget it.
Okay, thanks.
You know, some sons, finding out
that their father had aggressive
untreatable cancer,
might be inclined
to drop everything,
you know, and stand by his side.
My son, uh,
not quite so interested.
Mm... fuck you, guys.
He's buying, I'm gone.
Excuse me.
Excuse us, ladies.
How are there so many fucking
people in this place?
Wait a second, wait a second.
What?!
What, I thought we were supposed
to be bonding or something.
What do you think this is?
I got a couple of dim-witted
tight-assed hotties
on the hook for us.
You just got to go ahead.
The ball's in your court.
Wow, this is my nightmare.
This is my nightmare.
I'm taking said ball,
and I'm going home.
Jesus, for Christ's sakes.
As if you're not trying
to do the same thing
every single night.
That's totally different.
How?
'Cause I'm 32, Dad!
You know what?
Not so long ago,
once upon a time, so was I.
Come on, Clyde,
come on, come on back.
You guys are incredible.
Oh.
Are you serious?
A giggle, that's how
you're gonna respond?
Cancer.
Don't be a dick.
You look rested.
Does euthanasia require
the patient's consent?
Or can I just go for it?
Why?
Just a shitty fucking night.
What happened?
Look, either entertain me,
or let me work in peace.
He's never gonna change.
No one ever changes.
That's a given.
Who is "he"?
"He" is Harvey Oberholt.
50% of my DNA, 80% of my
current fucking problems.
Yikes.
He has this way of,
like, hypnotizing people
into believing he gives a shit,
and then he drops the hammer.
Division-1 deadbeat.
He bailed on your family?
Yeah, yeah, but in
the most sinister way.
He never made a
clean break, right?
Didn't have the decency
to just vaporize
like other kids' fathers, no.
No, he would wait
until the moment
my mom and I had
forgotten about him.
Until we had put together
the remaining pieces
and created something decent,
and then that is
when he would come in
and just fucking
shatter everything.
Just like that.
You know what?
Look...
This is my dad's example
of adult father-son
bonding.
- Oh, no. Oh. - Yeah, there's more if you'd
like to flip through them.
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Is he...?
Motorboating
a handi-capable retiree?
Yes, he is, Kels.
Why would you think
he doesn't do that?
Of course he does things
like that.
Fuck, Clyde.
Yeah, well, at least now
I know how it all ends for me.
Oh, come on.
What? What?
Dude, seriously?
Clyde, you are so not
your shit-bag dad.
How would you know?
Because you keep giving
your shitbag dad chances
not to be shitbagish.
And because it actually
hurts you when he is.
It means you've got a real,
functional heart in there.
It's just buried
under all that bravado
and coconut hair wax.
It's pineapple, actually.
Yeah, of course.
I mean, coconut,
that would be super girly.
Super girly, you know.
Why would you even say it then?
Of course it's not.
It's a cool tie, though.
Thanks.
It's cotton.
Your lip thing.
Can you take it out?
I don't even know if that's a possibility.
Yeah, yeah, I can take it out.
Yeah?
Yeah.
That feels weird when you put it...
We can't go back to my place because
my father has the key, so...
Well, it will take an hour
to get back to my apartment.
Do you really want to give me
that much time to change my mind?
That is a fair point.
Let's, um...
Um...
Oh, uh, no, I got it, I got it.
We'll have to go this way
to get in...
No, no, no, no, leave your tie on.
The tie on?
Yeah, yes, ma'am.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Ooh! Shit.
Ooh.
Just go there.
Jesus Christ.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah!
I can't...
I can't...
No, I want a little bit,
I want a little bit.
I can't take it off.
Okay, now we'll go do yours.
Good for you!
Yeah.
This is better than porn.
It's like porn
and Shark Week combined.
Gage Motors
betrayed the public trust
and gambled
with consumers' lives.
Mark, simply stated,
Ellis Hightower is a predator.
She is good.
His behavior is abhorrent
and the people deserve to know.
My team turned over
all our evidence to both the SEC
- and the Federal Trade Commission.
- Oh...
- She is scary.
- Right?
This Halloween,
I'm going as Denna Altshuler.
Yeah.
And we have just given her
controlling interest
in our company, guys.
Marty, can I talk to you...
Do, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Denna, Denna, Denna.
Yes, we're watching.
Yes, I'm fully engorged.
Because you guys keep asking
and asking, yes, I did in fact
make sweet, sweet fuck
to Kelsey last night.
Gross.
On Marty's office couch.
Gross.
Yeah.
It is gross.
But like...
like in a good way.
Is it weird to say that?
I... I think she may be the one.
It's very weird. Yeah.
Yeah?
Hats off to you, buddy.
Ach.
Oh, I was not expecting that.
I mean, is that true?
It is 100% true.
Great.
It's weird though.
It feels so real.
The whole thing felt
so real.
I mean, yeah,
she's bizarre and kinda bitchy,
but... I'm into it.
I'm really into it.
Wow.
Oh, Little Clydey Oberholt's
growing up
right before our very eyes.
Well,
thanks to some very masterful
work from Big Daddy Kaan,
that Gage stock is in freefall.
Oh.
Ellis Hightower is no doubt
shitting his skinny jeans
and $22 million is on
its way from Global.
Yah, yah, yah.
You know I think?
I think I need
a slow clap, bitches.
Let's go, uh,
and then,
and then we let it build
until, uh, as you clap, as you clap...
And while we're celebrating,
let's give it up for Clyde
who had sloppy sex
all over Marty's office couch
last night.
La... 'kay, well, no, no-no-no.
The conference table
is too hard,
and you know the kitchen
is way too drafty.
Okay? I had no other
place to take her.
I was just trying to be a gentleman
so I fucked her on your couch.
Every time you sit
on that couch,
you will now be surrounded
by millions of teeny tiny Clydes
dried into the fabric.
Forever.
Why-why-why...
why would you do that?
Why don't you have sex
on your own couch?
Well, we work on my couch.
Mm...
So you come on my
couch, you work on your couch.
Get in my office, drag that
fucking thing into the lobby
and call the hazmat team.
Do it right now.
For real? Just...
Do it right know, you skinny fucker.
I'm on it, I'm on it.
Of course.
I actually need this couch.
Really?
At home, yeah.
Do you want it?
Hey, Doug.
Okay.
Um... so just a heads up,
the word is that you slept
with Clyde last night.
I know, just office gossip.
Vicious.
"Good afternoon, Kelsey.
"I like your makeup.
"Most girls can't pull off a
day-friendly winged eyeliner,
but you really make it work."
So, did you or did you not?
I did.
My God, you should have
come to me first.
For tips?
Look, Kelsey,
here it is.
How do I put this?
Clyde is not the kind of guy
that you want
to get involved with.
Trust me.
Doug, you basically
threw him at me.
No, I don't...
"Clyde's a really good guy.
He really likes you."
I-I was joking.
You were right.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on,
that is not what I meant at all.
Clyde is terrible!
He's the worst person
I've ever met.
All right, plus
he gets colds a lot,
so I'd check my HIV
status if I were you.
It's a good thing to do anyway.
I really liked sleeping with you,
Great.
but you got weird and shame-y about it.
I don't remember that.
Now, if you've had
a change of heart,
let's be adults.
I am open to fucking you again.
Yes, oh, my...
Okay.
That was what I was
going to suggest.
Thank you. Yes, oh, God, you just made me
Okay. No.
so happy.
You smell great.
You and me make
so much more sense.
All right.
So, we just have to find a way
to let Clyde down easy.
You want to tell him?
No, dude, just
'cause you want back in
doesn't mean I'm going
to stop sleeping with Clyde.
But... we could all
do it together
if that makes you two
more comfortable.
I'm flexible.
Uh...
Yeah, I don't know if that's
going to work for me.
It's not a hard no, but...
Holy shit. Blowtorch.
Oh, my God.
All right.
Everyone, gather round
the couch fire.
I've got you.
We're going to make some
fucking s'mores.
I got this. I got this.
Oh, God.
Where the fuck are you?!
Oh, God.
You treasonous shit stain!
Where are you?!
Fuck this!
Ell-Jeezy!
Is that smoldering Clyde jizz?
I know it was you!
My company's stock is in
the goddamn fucking toilet!
I gave you life.
I will destroy you.
No, no, no, no, no.
I will bury you!
You seem very stressed.
So stressed.
You know, my sister's
an energy healer.
I could put you guys in touch.
That would help.
Yeah, you got to look her up.
The same mega-cunt
trashing my company
all over cable news
just happens to dump a load of
cash into Kaan and Associates?
And you're gonna tell me
it's a coincidence?
No. I am going to tell you that
there's no proof that
it's not a coincidence.
Shut the fuck up!
He didn't even really listen to the answer.
- You want to play?
- That's not yours.
You want to play, Marty?
Oh, no...
Yeah, that's right.
we are out of kombucha tea.
Are we?
Did you get any? You...?
None.
I didn't.
Bristol Farms run?
Let's do it.
I'm down, let's do it.
Douglas?
We're going to the store.
Love that.
Hey, and don't worry, Brokey,
I'll buy you another laptop.
Wait, that was my laptop?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Doug, Doug, Doug.
I'll get you a kombucha. I'll get you a kombucha.
That's all I had left.
- Doug, Doug.
- Oh!
Hey, did you see, I helped?
You sure did.
Did you see that?
Okay...
God...
Okay.
You know, for an unrelentingly
self-involved bastard,
you are notably generous
in the cunnilingus department.
Thank you?
Mm...
It's a new day, Marty Kaan.
Fuck yes, it is.
Oh, God.
Mm, mm.
Granted, your boy was on
the ropes there for a second,
but a big dick baller
always finds his way
back to the throne.
It's nice when dreams
work out, huh?
Yeah.
You wanted me to own you...
and now I do.
$2.5 million in fees and...
K and A is picking up
an extra9.2 million
equity piece.
Previously on House of Lies...
Since we killed it
at Gage Motors,
we are out of the woods.
Can you please just tell me
when the money is coming, Ellis?
Gage put K and
A back on the map.
That should be
more than enough payment.
It would take a Titan
to be able to afford
to challenge us legally.
I have to go pick up
my asshole father.
I'm gonna drop dead in some
Gomorrah flophouse. Terrific.
What are you talking about?
Stage four pancreatic,
wise ass.
She's smart, funny,
knows exactly what she wants.
I feel like there's
something special here
and we should really see where it goes.
No.
My fault for being the gullible one, right?
You trust people.
It's one of the things
I like most about you.
Oh, God.
When are you gonna
rape and pillage my company?
I think I'm gonna stick
to raping and pillaging you.
Marty.
We were just talking about you.
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
You need to step up and
pay us the money, bitch.
Oh, we gonna make
these motherfuckers bleed!
This motherfucker.
Seven.
What?
Seven "motherfuckers"
since I got here.
Please, switch it up.
Motherfucker.
Eight.
I swear to God, Ellis Hightower
is the biggest, meanest
shark-eating-est whale
I have ever--
are you hearing me?--
that I have ever landed.
And what do I have
to show for it?
A fuckton of debt
and a metaphorically
aching asshole.
I swear, it's like...
it's like escaping the Titanic
and then burning to death
in the fucking life raft
as it goes up in smoke.
Hmm-mm!
Denna, come on.
Will you stop, please?
I need that more than you.
Mmm.
♪ Plays the victim
every time... ♪
Oh, thank you.
I ju... I mean, it's just
this motherfucking asshole.
I bring K and A
back from the brink, then...
I can see where this is headed,
so let me stop you.
The answer is still no.
I am not playing
Santa Claus to K and A.
Who asked you
to fucking play Santa Claus?
I'm high, not stupid.
Yeah, well, that look?
Kind of the same.
Come here.
Let's try again.
Ooh. Mm.
Ooh...
You still worried about Ellis?
Not for the next 15 minutes.
Fifteen?
You're optimistic.
You know you love a challenge.
Teeth, teeth. Teeth.
Morning, Dad.
So, my son.
What's up for us today?
Well, I don't know
what you're doing,
but I'm going to work.
Right. Of course.
Because they can't get by
without you at all.
That's why you're a partner.
Jesus, Dad, really?
All right. Calm down, would you?
But I still say
you ought to be able
to have one day off
to hang out with your dad,
who's on his last legs.
Oh... death card,
played before 8:00 a.m.
Hat tip, Dad. Fantastic.
You know what?
"Comedy is the refuge
of the simpleminded.
And blacks."
Descartes.
I'm pretty sure Descartes
didn't say "and blacks."
When was the last time
that you and me just hung out?
This is easy.
February, 1994.
I wanted to see Nirvana;
you took me to a greyhound race.
Look, let me just take you out
for one night, okay?
Dad...
It'll be a boys' night out.
It'll be fun.
You can do that for me.
Um...
Cancer.
Fine. Fine.
Okay?
You can take me out
on a boys' night.
But if you fuck me on this,
I'm taking that feral
piece of shit and throwing it
in a high-kill shelter.
He didn't meant that,
Natalie Portman.
You seriously named that cat
Natalie...
O...kay.
No, I see it.
Her face is kind of...
tiny, cute and Jewish.
All right, true or false:
Everyone in this room
thinks they're smarter than
everybody else in the building.
True.
True.
Okay. True or false:
Everyone in the building
thinks they're smarter than
everybody else in the world.
Mm, that's obvious.
That's probably true, yeah.
- Yeah, that's true.
- Okay.
So let's prove us all right
and find a way to find Marty Mar
$10 million before lunch.
Um, yeah. Mm.
Okay, Doug, spit it out.
What do you have?
Say it.
Well, okay.
Look, it's just an option,
but hear me out.
Uh, our old exterminator
client, Rat Man?
Well, he's got
a-a QVC line
of organic poisons out
now, and it's a big hit
with the stay-at-home mom set,
so we have an in.
Are you kidding me?
Oh, come on.
I cannot be the only one
who's seen those commercials.
With the little rats and their...
To be honest,
I don't know which one
is sadder, Doug watching QVC
in that gutted shack
he calls a home
or him thinking that this is
actually a viable option. Kids?
- QVC. For sure.
- QVC.
You can find a bargain on QVC.
- If only one of us were fucking
a billionaire investor. - Oh, my God,
why didn't I think of that?
Wait a minute,
already fucking thought of it.
- It's a non-starter.
- And yet those...
those larcenists at Gage
are printing money
because we sent their
stocks through the roof.
I mean, the poetry. We did that.
Boom.
Hmm?
Boom what?
You know I hate a hanging boom,
Marty. What do we got?
We-we did. We did send that
stock through the fucking roof.
Okay.
So we can
send it right back down
to the gutter.
Ellis already gave us
the silver bullet.
Yes, that's what
I was saying. Yes.
My office. 20 minutes.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, God. He gets it.
Oh, Marty...
I want a donut.
Yeah,
a fucking donut, Clyde. Okay?
And I might even eat
the whole box. And if you say
one more goddamn word
about my weight,
I swear I will highlight,
at full volume, every flaw
on your
under-earning body
until you weep like
the pussified waste of flesh
that you are.
Fuck...
Just asking
if you can bring me one.
Jesus Christ, Jeannie.
Sorry. I grew up poor, so I...
Could you maybe bring me one?
I don't know.
Okay.
Call me as soon
as it comes in, okay?
I mean as soon as.
Marty.
Okay, yes, Doug, I've
seen the commercials,
and I kind of like it when the
animated rat starts twerking.
I knew it.
I knew it.
What do you want?
Hey, so, um, you know Kelsey.
Nope.
Kelsey, the girl from YWTPA.
I can't keep track
of all the white gangs, Doug.
All right. Okay.
So you know her.
The thing is, uh,
well, I kind of slept with her
last night.
So?
Well, so...
Clyde has feelings for her.
I know.
It's insane.
Like, actual feelings.
And not just the ones
in his loins.
I mean...
We-we talked
about you using that word
around me, Doug.
God, it just feels good
in my mouth.
I don't know
why I do it. Yeah,
I don't know what to do. The-the
guilt is just eating away at me.
Okay, so stop fucking her.
Yeah, I don't know
if I can do that, Marty.
I mean, she's kind of
got this move.
Oof, it's insane.
It's like
this-this combination finger,
like, tongue-back arch thing.
Oh, my God.
It's amazing. Yeah.
But, um...
Yeah. I see what you're saying.
Okay. Thanks, buddy.
It's a good talk.
Yes, give me Denna Altshuler.
Look, my Uncle Grant is some
kind of big shot advertising guy
at Neon. He's on board
to hook up a bunch of free press
when the app launches.
Great.
Free? No. Bullshit.
He's gonna want equity.
Yeah.
Well, full disclosure, he's only doing it
so I won't out him
for molesting my brothers.
Wow. Okay.
Just so I can get this straight,
you will extort a pedophile,
but you won't get dinner with me
because that goes
against your moral code.
Yeah.
That's-that's your judging system.
Okay.
Jesus Christ.
Dude, I made up that last part.
Did you seriously think that...
I... Well... No, I know that.
- Really? - No, I feel sorry for Clyde.
I don't think he got it.
Dude, no, you're-you're dark.
Not... Come on.
I get... I get...
I get sex offender jokes.
It's, like, my sweet spot.
Oh, right.
So, uh, good times
last night, huh?
Yeah. For sure.
Yeah.
You, uh, want
to hang out again later?
Oh, my God, yes.
Absolutely. Definitely.
But...
I, um... I-I kind of feel guilty
about last night.
Is this because you have HPV?
What?
Seriously, why does everybody have fucking HPV?
No, no, no. God. Jesus. No.
It's... Look, I mean Clyde.
Clyde really likes you, Kelsey.
And Clyde doesn't
really like anyone, so...
So that means, what, I'm obliged
to accept his offer of penis?
No, no, no,
no, no, no. I-I...
I'm just saying
that I know Clyde comes off
like a bit of a douche.
And he is. Believe me,
no one knows that more than me.
But he's also my best friend.
So...
it's kind of a bit tricky,
huh? Boy.
Oh, the games we play.
Yeah,
am I being too hard on myself?
That's also a possibility.
No, you're right.
Am I?
I get it.
And, honestly,
I have mad respect
for a guy who'd give up
top-shelf genius vag
for a friendship.
Ooh, I wouldn't say "give up."
No, "give up" is-is very
strong, isn't it? And final.
No, no. I'm-I'm not looking
to fuck things up between you
and Clyde.
Good.
We can totally chill on the sex.
Awesome.
Clyde is
a good guy, so...
Good luck
finding another Rhodes scholar
who gives rimjobs though.
I tell Clyde
you can't just sit on your ass
and wait for opportunity
to fall in your lap.
But this generation?
The world is yours
for the taking.
You don't like your job,
you start your own corporation.
Oh, right. Yeah.
- Hey. - In your six-year-old son's name
so his credit is ruined
by second grade. Right?
Yeah.
Mm, this was nice.
Can I talk to you for one second?
Nice to meet you.
Hey, Dad.
What the fuck
are you doing here?
I just thought I would see
you in action. That's all.
So you could tell me everything
that I'm doing wrong?
Is that what it is? Okay.
Your words.
Dad, you got to get out of here.
I'm gonna see you tonight.
So I'll see you tonight.
What? What?
The hysterics.
Shades of your mother.
Even less attractive on you.
Okay. It's time to go. Thank you
for that. But it's time to go.
I just got here.
What else do you need to see?
You're smiling.
I'm smiling.
Okay.
Stop smiling.
It's freaking me out.
I can't. Oh, I've been chasing
Denna Altshuler's
huge, perky hedge fund
for over a decade,
and I finally have something
worth her time.
Assuming that's not
a penis reference,
care to elaborate
so maybe I can do my job?
Denna is a beast.
And beasts need to feed.
The bigger the beast,
the bigger the appetite.
Assuming that that's not
a penis reference...
I have a vague recollection
of Ellis Hightower pissing
all over his brand-new
baby prototype.
Found the security footage.
And if you zoom in very closely,
you can make out a bit
of back-spray hitting
an Indian fellow.
I believe the man's an engineer.
There's a bonus hate crime?
It's so despicably hate-y.
And Denna freebases hate.
Look, K and A,
not big enough to satisfy her.
But say, I don't know,
an extra $80 million
from shorting the Gage Motors stock?
Ooh.
We give her this ammo,
and greedy, greedy Denna
will gladly merengue all over Ellis's grave.
And there's
no traceable link back to us.
She goes public
and assumes all the risk.
Prison makes smarter criminals.
I'm gonna see you at the
restaurant tonight, okay?
Clyde.
No. No.
You're not gonna introduce us?
You must be Marty,
right? Harvey. Harvey Oberholt.
What is that? We are family.
You bring it in here, big guy.
Me, too. Me, too.
Get in here.
Both of you guys?
The more the merrier.
Oh, I'm Jeannie.
What a pleasure.
This is a nice operation
you've got here.
Of course, it could be better
if you were to use
Clyde here to his full potential.
Oh.
760 verbal. No tutoring.
We don't have to talk
- about that anymore, Dad. - This is partner
material you got over here, Marty.
You know what I'm saying?
Smart, smart boy.
Don't let him slip
between your fingers.
That is great advice.
Dear God, if you make this stop,
I will start believing in you.
Business cards. Awesome! Look, Jeannie.
- Amen.
- Okay.
Listen, we'll get together,
we'll talk shop.
You've had
some tough times here,
I know, but, uh,
you're gonna bounce back.
Trust me. I know the game
all too well.
Oh! Elevator. So you got to get going.
- Oh. Can we ride down with you?
- No. - Yeah, come on.
You don't have to. Marty. Oh...
No, we'd love to.
So you
were in consulting?
Well, sweetheart, let's just say
that, uh, I've done it all.
Well, then we've got
to hear it all.
♪ This is who I am ♪
Ellis Hightower is an abscess.
A blood-sucking fraud.
He fired every engineer.
The new model is a six-figure
death trap.
Total crisis
of confidence.
Leadership vacuum.
With an amuse-bouche
of underage hooker
and peeing on employee,
and, yeah, baby...
It's on video.
All on video.
Gage Motors stock is gonna
fall very, very far.
Very, very fast.
But only if someone
has the chesticles
to stand up and tell
the public the truth.
Short his stock,
seize the glory.
Bet against Gage, shake the
shareholders' confidence
until their stock tanks.
She knows what
to do, boo-boo.
Then she also knows
that Ellis'll never see it coming.
It's time to shut him down.
Shut him down.
Down.
Goddamn.
You know, I never considered
a threesome
until this very moment.
Of course, since this
information stands to bring home
truckloads of "fuck you
money" to Global...
Yeah, we're thinking that
a $22 million cash infusion
into the coffers of K and A,
that's an appropriate
"thank you."
Hmm.
I'll think about it.
And, for the record, I've had
"fuck you money" since the '90s.
Well, there was
a lot of talk back then
about me going pro.
Uh, bidding wars,
that sort of thing.
But the fact of the matter is--
not every guy
with a 93 mile per
hour fastball needs
to have that kind of
validation, you understand?
Cool.
Clyde!
Clyde, my boy!
I'm six inches away, okay?
Here are a couple of lovely
ladies I've just met.
You know what?
As a matter of fact,
don't worry about it.
Forget it.
Okay, thanks.
You know, some sons, finding out
that their father had aggressive
untreatable cancer,
might be inclined
to drop everything,
you know, and stand by his side.
My son, uh,
not quite so interested.
Mm... fuck you, guys.
He's buying, I'm gone.
Excuse me.
Excuse us, ladies.
How are there so many fucking
people in this place?
Wait a second, wait a second.
What?!
What, I thought we were supposed
to be bonding or something.
What do you think this is?
I got a couple of dim-witted
tight-assed hotties
on the hook for us.
You just got to go ahead.
The ball's in your court.
Wow, this is my nightmare.
This is my nightmare.
I'm taking said ball,
and I'm going home.
Jesus, for Christ's sakes.
As if you're not trying
to do the same thing
every single night.
That's totally different.
How?
'Cause I'm 32, Dad!
You know what?
Not so long ago,
once upon a time, so was I.
Come on, Clyde,
come on, come on back.
You guys are incredible.
Oh.
Are you serious?
A giggle, that's how
you're gonna respond?
Cancer.
Don't be a dick.
You look rested.
Does euthanasia require
the patient's consent?
Or can I just go for it?
Why?
Just a shitty fucking night.
What happened?
Look, either entertain me,
or let me work in peace.
He's never gonna change.
No one ever changes.
That's a given.
Who is "he"?
"He" is Harvey Oberholt.
50% of my DNA, 80% of my
current fucking problems.
Yikes.
He has this way of,
like, hypnotizing people
into believing he gives a shit,
and then he drops the hammer.
Division-1 deadbeat.
He bailed on your family?
Yeah, yeah, but in
the most sinister way.
He never made a
clean break, right?
Didn't have the decency
to just vaporize
like other kids' fathers, no.
No, he would wait
until the moment
my mom and I had
forgotten about him.
Until we had put together
the remaining pieces
and created something decent,
and then that is
when he would come in
and just fucking
shatter everything.
Just like that.
You know what?
Look...
This is my dad's example
of adult father-son
bonding.
- Oh, no. Oh. - Yeah, there's more if you'd
like to flip through them.
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Is he...?
Motorboating
a handi-capable retiree?
Yes, he is, Kels.
Why would you think
he doesn't do that?
Of course he does things
like that.
Fuck, Clyde.
Yeah, well, at least now
I know how it all ends for me.
Oh, come on.
What? What?
Dude, seriously?
Clyde, you are so not
your shit-bag dad.
How would you know?
Because you keep giving
your shitbag dad chances
not to be shitbagish.
And because it actually
hurts you when he is.
It means you've got a real,
functional heart in there.
It's just buried
under all that bravado
and coconut hair wax.
It's pineapple, actually.
Yeah, of course.
I mean, coconut,
that would be super girly.
Super girly, you know.
Why would you even say it then?
Of course it's not.
It's a cool tie, though.
Thanks.
It's cotton.
Your lip thing.
Can you take it out?
I don't even know if that's a possibility.
Yeah, yeah, I can take it out.
Yeah?
Yeah.
That feels weird when you put it...
We can't go back to my place because
my father has the key, so...
Well, it will take an hour
to get back to my apartment.
Do you really want to give me
that much time to change my mind?
That is a fair point.
Let's, um...
Um...
Oh, uh, no, I got it, I got it.
We'll have to go this way
to get in...
No, no, no, no, leave your tie on.
The tie on?
Yeah, yes, ma'am.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Ooh! Shit.
Ooh.
Just go there.
Jesus Christ.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah!
I can't...
I can't...
No, I want a little bit,
I want a little bit.
I can't take it off.
Okay, now we'll go do yours.
Good for you!
Yeah.
This is better than porn.
It's like porn
and Shark Week combined.
Gage Motors
betrayed the public trust
and gambled
with consumers' lives.
Mark, simply stated,
Ellis Hightower is a predator.
She is good.
His behavior is abhorrent
and the people deserve to know.
My team turned over
all our evidence to both the SEC
- and the Federal Trade Commission.
- Oh...
- She is scary.
- Right?
This Halloween,
I'm going as Denna Altshuler.
Yeah.
And we have just given her
controlling interest
in our company, guys.
Marty, can I talk to you...
Do, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Denna, Denna, Denna.
Yes, we're watching.
Yes, I'm fully engorged.
Because you guys keep asking
and asking, yes, I did in fact
make sweet, sweet fuck
to Kelsey last night.
Gross.
On Marty's office couch.
Gross.
Yeah.
It is gross.
But like...
like in a good way.
Is it weird to say that?
I... I think she may be the one.
It's very weird. Yeah.
Yeah?
Hats off to you, buddy.
Ach.
Oh, I was not expecting that.
I mean, is that true?
It is 100% true.
Great.
It's weird though.
It feels so real.
The whole thing felt
so real.
I mean, yeah,
she's bizarre and kinda bitchy,
but... I'm into it.
I'm really into it.
Wow.
Oh, Little Clydey Oberholt's
growing up
right before our very eyes.
Well,
thanks to some very masterful
work from Big Daddy Kaan,
that Gage stock is in freefall.
Oh.
Ellis Hightower is no doubt
shitting his skinny jeans
and $22 million is on
its way from Global.
Yah, yah, yah.
You know I think?
I think I need
a slow clap, bitches.
Let's go, uh,
and then,
and then we let it build
until, uh, as you clap, as you clap...
And while we're celebrating,
let's give it up for Clyde
who had sloppy sex
all over Marty's office couch
last night.
La... 'kay, well, no, no-no-no.
The conference table
is too hard,
and you know the kitchen
is way too drafty.
Okay? I had no other
place to take her.
I was just trying to be a gentleman
so I fucked her on your couch.
Every time you sit
on that couch,
you will now be surrounded
by millions of teeny tiny Clydes
dried into the fabric.
Forever.
Why-why-why...
why would you do that?
Why don't you have sex
on your own couch?
Well, we work on my couch.
Mm...
So you come on my
couch, you work on your couch.
Get in my office, drag that
fucking thing into the lobby
and call the hazmat team.
Do it right now.
For real? Just...
Do it right know, you skinny fucker.
I'm on it, I'm on it.
Of course.
I actually need this couch.
Really?
At home, yeah.
Do you want it?
Hey, Doug.
Okay.
Um... so just a heads up,
the word is that you slept
with Clyde last night.
I know, just office gossip.
Vicious.
"Good afternoon, Kelsey.
"I like your makeup.
"Most girls can't pull off a
day-friendly winged eyeliner,
but you really make it work."
So, did you or did you not?
I did.
My God, you should have
come to me first.
For tips?
Look, Kelsey,
here it is.
How do I put this?
Clyde is not the kind of guy
that you want
to get involved with.
Trust me.
Doug, you basically
threw him at me.
No, I don't...
"Clyde's a really good guy.
He really likes you."
I-I was joking.
You were right.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on,
that is not what I meant at all.
Clyde is terrible!
He's the worst person
I've ever met.
All right, plus
he gets colds a lot,
so I'd check my HIV
status if I were you.
It's a good thing to do anyway.
I really liked sleeping with you,
Great.
but you got weird and shame-y about it.
I don't remember that.
Now, if you've had
a change of heart,
let's be adults.
I am open to fucking you again.
Yes, oh, my...
Okay.
That was what I was
going to suggest.
Thank you. Yes, oh, God, you just made me
Okay. No.
so happy.
You smell great.
You and me make
so much more sense.
All right.
So, we just have to find a way
to let Clyde down easy.
You want to tell him?
No, dude, just
'cause you want back in
doesn't mean I'm going
to stop sleeping with Clyde.
But... we could all
do it together
if that makes you two
more comfortable.
I'm flexible.
Uh...
Yeah, I don't know if that's
going to work for me.
It's not a hard no, but...
Holy shit. Blowtorch.
Oh, my God.
All right.
Everyone, gather round
the couch fire.
I've got you.
We're going to make some
fucking s'mores.
I got this. I got this.
Oh, God.
Where the fuck are you?!
Oh, God.
You treasonous shit stain!
Where are you?!
Fuck this!
Ell-Jeezy!
Is that smoldering Clyde jizz?
I know it was you!
My company's stock is in
the goddamn fucking toilet!
I gave you life.
I will destroy you.
No, no, no, no, no.
I will bury you!
You seem very stressed.
So stressed.
You know, my sister's
an energy healer.
I could put you guys in touch.
That would help.
Yeah, you got to look her up.
The same mega-cunt
trashing my company
all over cable news
just happens to dump a load of
cash into Kaan and Associates?
And you're gonna tell me
it's a coincidence?
No. I am going to tell you that
there's no proof that
it's not a coincidence.
Shut the fuck up!
He didn't even really listen to the answer.
- You want to play?
- That's not yours.
You want to play, Marty?
Oh, no...
Yeah, that's right.
we are out of kombucha tea.
Are we?
Did you get any? You...?
None.
I didn't.
Bristol Farms run?
Let's do it.
I'm down, let's do it.
Douglas?
We're going to the store.
Love that.
Hey, and don't worry, Brokey,
I'll buy you another laptop.
Wait, that was my laptop?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Doug, Doug, Doug.
I'll get you a kombucha. I'll get you a kombucha.
That's all I had left.
- Doug, Doug.
- Oh!
Hey, did you see, I helped?
You sure did.
Did you see that?
Okay...
God...
Okay.
You know, for an unrelentingly
self-involved bastard,
you are notably generous
in the cunnilingus department.
Thank you?
Mm...
It's a new day, Marty Kaan.
Fuck yes, it is.
Oh, God.
Mm, mm.
Granted, your boy was on
the ropes there for a second,
but a big dick baller
always finds his way
back to the throne.
It's nice when dreams
work out, huh?
Yeah.
You wanted me to own you...
and now I do.