House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 4, Episode 9 - We're Going to Build a Mothership and Rule the Universe - full transcript

Marty and an artist sent by Denna butt heads; Jeannie has mixed feelings about a dinner invitation.

Now that we're off
the shit list, we back

to big balling, baby.

Previously on House of Lies...

Some sons finding out that their
father had untreatable cancer

might be inclined
to drop everything.

After I told you
that I am carrying your baby,

I kind of can't believe
that you have no reaction.

This is my reaction.

Mark, simply stated,
Ellis Hightower is a predator.

She is scary.

JEANNIE: And we have just given her

controlling interest
in our company.

Holy shit. Blowtorch.

ELLIS: Fuck this!
MARTY: Ell-Jeezy!

The same mega-cunt trashing
my company all over cable news

just happens to dump a load of
cash into Kaan and Associates?

It's nice when dreams
work out, huh?

You wanted me to own you...

and now I do.

♪ Think I'm all right ♪

♪ I think it's not
a good day to die today ♪

♪ You know I feel like flyin' ♪

♪ I'm holding up my hand,
let me see your face, yeah... ♪

All right, nice run.

All right, Dad, look.

This next trick,
it's called a disaster.

"A disaster"?

That's really a messed-up name

for something that you
could actually die doing.

Thus the name.

(short laugh)

All right, let's see it.




Uh, yeah!
Economic health restored.

At least for the moment.

But thanks to a shitload
of hard work--

and an endowment
from my billionaire fuck buddy--

K and A is not only
back on its feet,

but poised to go wilding through
the consulting landscape

on an acquisition bender,

scooping up all the little
companies in its path--

one from here,
one from there--

leaving a swath of broken hearts
and dreams in its wake

as we disembowel our foes

and fill our coffers.

Aw, man, I got to say

today is a good day.



Sweet disaster.
Now, come on.

I got to get you
to school before...

Come on, Dad.
T-Ten more minutes.

Five, Ro. I need you to
get to school on time.

Unless you want
to just quit school

and train for the X Games.



(Roscoe laughs)

Can you please talk some sense
into my dad tonight at dinner

about, I mean, not tearing this thing down.
I will try.

Hold on. Wait, wait.

At-at dinner?

Grandpa didn't tell you?
I thought you...

Um, Jeremiah called me

Oh. You and Pops are pals now?

I... Well, he invited me
to dinner.

What's the occasion?
You know...

just family dinner.

I think Uncle Malcolm's
coming, too.

Great! Broke-ass Tavis Smiley.

Family dinner.

It should be fun.

You know what else
sounds like fun?


You got to go.

So, do you know
if it's a boy or girl?

It's, um...

it's a girl.

It's a girl.

When is she gonna
get to come over?

Hey! Ring, ring, ring, ring!

I hear school bells.


I'll see you tonight.

Yeah, we'll pick it up later

at our cozy little
family dinner.


you fucking serious?

This is... Marty!

(snaps fingers)
Marty, Marty, Marty, Marty!

Jeannie, Jeannie, come.
Come, come, come, come.

Jeannie, please,
come see this, please.

But also be very quiet.


Oh, no. No, no, no.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Oh, wait.


I shouldn't.

I'm going to!
Don't... don't do that.


Gentle, gentle, gentle.
Be very gentle.

Let him sleep.
Be gentle.

Hello, Kitty.

Oh, my God.

Shit! What time is it?

Oh, no. God. Shit.

Oh, my God, you know,
No, no, no. Oh, no.

I would've overslept, too,
if I had some comfy,

snuggly manjamas like those!

Why, oh, why are you
wearing that, Douglas?

Is this, like, a plushy thing
where you and other

Cookie Monster fans
throw your keys in a bowl?

Yeah, you going for that?

It's not entirely sexual.
Come on, grow up.

Look, I-I knew I'd be working
late on the Zobel presentation,

so I thought I'd slip into
something more comfortable.

What's wrong with that?

So many fucking things.

But your dedication
is duly noted.

Yes! Thank you, Marty.
I appreciate that.

Well, I thought that someone
had to roll out the red carpet

for, uh, Ron Zobel and his team.

Why don't we go pick up
some S'muffins, too?

DOUG: Not a bad idea. I mean,
I'm excited to meet him.

You know, the genius
turnaround artist

hand-picked by Denna.

Couple pastries
might not go astray.

Kiddies, he's been brought in
here to aid in our getting huge.

Don't worry about it.

You may want
to change though, Pussy.

Well, yeah, obviously, I mean...

You're such a sweet,
sweet pussy, Doug.

You're a sweet baby.

Why am I a pussy?
(Marty meows)

I don't know. Who knows?

Have you seen these keys?


Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!

(elevator bell dings)



Ron Zobel.

Ron Zobel. What a pleasure.

Wow, you must be
the great Martin Kaan, huh?

Ah. You can call me Marty.

Eh, Martin sounds stronger.

Let's do that.

Denna speaks the world
of you by the way.

Nice work to be hitting
that boss lady, huh? Ooh.



And, uh, who...?
No, no. They're with me.

Best not to mix
with them, you know?

Keeps them data pure.

Date pure, data strong.

Know what I mean, Martin?

So, what is going on here?

All right, what we's got
going on here then?

Yeah, I'm feeling...

I don't know.
I'm feeling...

I got a feeling of deadness.

Yeah, lack of commerce.

I got the sixth sense--
I see dead business.

Well, uh, we are going through
a rebuilding process...

Okay, Martin, I'm just gonna
stop you right there.


So, you're saying, you know,

(gibberish) bullshit,
bullshit, rebuilding.

Okay? But what I hear,

what Ron Zobel is hearing,

is "I'm defending my old ways,

which have only taken
me so far." Am I right?

Well, of course, I'm right...
You're always fucking right.

I'm always fucking right!
Thank you. Oh!


You and me, we're gonna...

we're gonna...




Do you he...?

I'm hearing a, you know,

like a...

I hear a sound.
I'm hearing a...

Is it, I don't know,
an AC unit or...?

No, no, no, no.
So-something else.

It's like a...

I mean, it's like a... shh-boof!

Shh-boof, shh-boof sound.

It's like a...

Holy shit!


It's coming all the way
from Fort Worth, Texas, man.

It's the sound of one of those

big ol' high-speed
rotary presses

from the Bureau of
Engraving and Printing,

and it is printing money.


Crisp hundred dollar bills

for us.
I see what you're doing.

Oh, I hear it.

Do you hear it?

I don't mean hear it,
do you hear it?

Say it-- "I hear it."

Well, I don't actually hear it.

Oh, no, but do you hear it?

Do you hear it?

Say it-- "I hear it."

Say it--
"I hear it."

"I hear it." Say it.

Say it-- "I hear it."

I'm good, Ron.

Say it-- "I hear it."

"I hear it." Say it.

I hear it.

(laughs, grunting)


So, as you can see

with our outreach strategy, uh,
K and A's profit margins are

just gonna blast
through the fucking...

Ron? Ron?

(snaps his fingers)

It's all happening
up here, buddy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Pr... profit margins.

I'm listening. Go on.

JEANNIE: Uh, well,
our data lake

illuminates how K and A
is poised for an aggressive

second wave.
CLYDE: By acquiring companies

we targeted that specialize

in emerging technologies
and manufacturing.

Are you playing a fucking game

on your phone?

You know, I'm multitasking,

I mean, we-we-we'll have
a corner on the marketplace.

Right, yeah, so if you just

take a look at the
competitive landscape

metrics, you'll see that
we have a baseline in place

to oversee the dev cycles
on the other boutique shops.

So, uh, what?
So, that's your big plan

to get huge?

Yeah, that's the big plan, Ron.

We are going to build
a mothership

and rule the fucking universe.

Well, if you had
the ability to do that,

then I wouldn't be here.

(Marty and Clyde chuckling)

$22 million investment-- boom!

That's called infrastructure,
then we...

But if you have any suggestions

as to how to enhance our buyout
strategy, we'd love to...

Well, let me stop...

You know what?
Let me stop you right there.

Um, because I really think
it's a bit premature

to begin implementing strategy.

Really? (chuckles)

Because that's the expressed
purpose of this meeting.

Strategy meeting.

Yeah, strategy meeting, I think.

Yeah, that's why I stayed up
all night doing the strategy.

Well, you know what?


This is really great.

A lot of great stuff.

Uh, awesome.

And we'll take it
under advisement.

Oh, great, you're gonna
take it under advisement.

We're gonna first
need to excavate

the quantitative architecture
of your firm to gain

a better understanding
of what growth strategy is best.

You got to look under the hood.

Right, Janine?

(phone ringing) Okay, so let's just clear
this whole space out.

Oh, my gosh.

And, uh, my team
will set up a war room.

Hey, talk to me, sexy.

How's that first day
working out for you?

Oh, it's great, Janine.

How's yours?

Just wondering what they're
deciding about our future.

Well, they're not deciding shit
without us,

so I wouldn't worry about it.

Their commanding officer
owns 60% of K and A, Marty.

Denna can technically do
whatever the fuck she wants.

I was just under
the assumption that you two

had an understanding about
the roll that she would play.

Yeah, we do.

Okay, so nip it
in the bud, Marty.

Call your girlfriend,
set her straight.

Jeannie, Denna
grubstaked K and A

as an investment, not a favor.

I don't need to check in
with Mommy

on how to run my company.

Our company.


about dinner tonight,
don't worry about it.

What does that mean?
I'm gonna call Jeremiah

and tell him I can't come.

I have so much other shit to do,
anyway, Marty.

You-you cannot. Hey,
look, you can't, okay?

They'd fucking blame me.


(phone ringing,
indistinct conversations)

How much fucking longer
do you think they're gonna take

snooping around all our shit?

Is this what it's like
when we come in?

God, I like it much better
being on the other side.

Hey, kiddies.

Get your trunks.

It's time to deliver
these deliverables to SkyEast.

Hey, Martin.


So we got a few
initial findings, okay?

So let's talk through them.

Yeah, now's not
a great time, Ron.

We've got this local engagement
we've got to go to.

Oh, great.
I'd love to join you.

(snaps) Yes, yes, see some
of that Martin Kaan magic

I've heard so much about.

It's really a do-nothing
implementation meeting.

We'll talk on the way.

(elevator bell dings)

Look, I can't go to my bosses
with this suboptimal shit.

MARTY: We-we understand
how you feel,

and I-I'm glad you brought
this to our attention.

O-Okay, so now how many times

do I have to call you
when it's not an emergency?

DOUG: Listen, you have
our full attention right now.

And we are happy
to resolve any glitches.

So how can we help you?

So, look, okay,

the-the segment models
that you sent.

I mean, look,
it-it's opaque at best.

Well, I'm looking at
the same thing you're looking at

and it seems pretty clear to me.

Really? Could... Hey, maybe
you have glaucoma, Marty.

This right here,
that's cloudy as fuck.

Okay, Derek, if you
don't understand

how segment models work,
we would be happy...

Are-are you calling me an idiot?
No, no, no.

I talk to my bosses, not you.

And they're looking for updates.

So you need to start
explaining this shit

in a language that people on
this planet speak

or we-we-we have to

revisit this arrangement.

Derek, everything here
is exactly as promised.

(door opens)
I can walk you through it step-by-step.

Mr. Rainey,
I've got Chris Crespo for you.


Okay, just e-excuse me a minute.

Of course.

Okay, he's losing
his fucking shit.

We got to turn it up
on this asshole, all right?

He needs his plush toy.
Where's Jeannie?

Um, hey, Marty, can I ask you,

are the mutes going
to be shadowing us

on all our consults?

'Cause they're
kind of freaking me out.

Are you serious right now, Doug?

Go find fucking Jeannie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Go find her.

Uh, I have a question for you.

Mind if we step out?


You're gonna leave me
in a room alone with these?

Grow up, Clyde.

(door closes)
This is how I die.

There you are!

Jeannie, we really
need you upstairs.

We're losing him.

Are you okay?

I don't know. I...

I just feel a little weird.

Oh, mother of God,
are we having this baby?

Here, sit down.
No, we are not even

having this conversation, Doug.

I just, I'm just having
a little bit of pain.


Oh. (chuckles)

Okay, all right,
very interesting.

Interesting how? Okay, what?

Nothing, nothing.

If you have something to say,
spit it out.

I don't think you have
to be Queegueg

to read the bones here, Jeannie.

I mean, you suddenly feel sick

on the night that
you're supposed to have dinner

with Marty and his family.
Oh, please.

It makes perfect sense.

It has nothing to...

And this is a good thing.
You should be excited

he's bringing you into the family.
Oh, God.

Ow! Fuck.

(winces) Ooh. Ooh.
Oh, God, miscarriage.

No, I'm not having a miscarriage, Doug!
We got a miscarriage!

It's okay, it's not your fault.

I'm not having the baby, either.

Just, please, would you
go get me some water?

Of course, here.

Wait, do I need to boil it
or anything?

Just water!
Anything, got it.


Look, I was told that
you could have a tendency

to be a little less than careful
with your clients.

Oh, the things people say.

Now, I'm no consultant...


...but I'm a businessman,

and I know better

than to deflect,

uh, when my client is
seeking assurances.

I mean, this is the
service industry, man.

Right? The clients
are always right. 100%.

Well, unless-unless they're
a panicky little bitch

like Derek in there,
and they're not right.

Look, look, Ron,

we've got the fucking job, okay?

This isn't a pitch; we're
running an implementation...

Okay, so maybe I only turned
around 29 Fortune 500 companies.

Oh, my God, then maybe you think
you could run this consult better than I...

Fuck yeah, if I gave a shit
about consulting.

So, what?

You think maybe you know
every fucking thing

there is to know
about consulting?

Well, maybe you do, okay.

But I'm here to give you
your goddamn golden ticket.

Huh? The keys to your Bugatti.

- Uh-huh. - I'm here to maximize profits
and eliminate waste.

So maybe you should stop
rolling your eyes

every time I open my mouth

and listen.

Because I'm
spitting wisdom, man.

I am.

I'm holding your
balls in my hand.

So I can either cradle or crush.

You get my drift, Martin?



Hey, so how's it
gonna work, exactly?

How's what gonna work?

Well, with you and Marty
and the baby?

You know, I mean,
I know things have been

a little strained
between you two since, uh...

Doug, I need you to mind your
own business on this, okay?

'Cause it's not... Shit!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
Oh, my God.

Oh, shit. You know what,
I'm gonna get Marty.

No, don't get Marty, don't, don't, Doug.
No, I...

Why not?
Because we don't need Marty.

I don't need Marty!

(groaning) Okay.
Ow! Oh!

Hey, I got this.
(sighs loudly)

- I have seen enough House
to know what I'm doing here. - Fuck.

- What are you doing? Ow.
- It's all right; I got it. Just hold...

bite down on this. It's gonna hurt.
Don't. Doug, don't. Oh, my God.

I'm gonna take your pants off.
Doug, don't, stop.

I have to.
Oh, my God!

Doug, no!
It's the baby talking.

(farts loudly)


(farting continues)


(farting continues)

Oh, my God.

It feels so much better.

Does it?

Let's go finish
this fucking consult, right?


(gags, coughs)

If this is
the customer reference system,

how do I identify which are
the key channel data streams

you mentioned?


I'm sorry.

Ron, what do you think, buddy?

Uh, what? Excuse me?

Why are you asking him?

I'm terribly sorry.

I neglected to, uh, introduce
our colleague.

Uh, this is Ron Zobel.

He has come on board
with K and A

after turning around
several dozen

Fortune 500 companies.
He really is

a certified expert

on growth strategy.



So, so what do you think, Ron?
We have a mid-level

regional airline looking
to expand.

Well, I mean,
it depends on what, uh,

benchmarks you guys are
using to, uh, measure growth.

Oh, well, all the touch
points are here

in the GANNT chart.
Uh, Clyde, could you...

Absolutely. Give me one second.


Check your computer.

Thank you.
(clears throat)

So, uh,

just walk us through it.

Is it a retooling

of the go to market model
or the, uh,

cost model?

Well, naturally, uh,

I'd have to really... the, um,

the specs.

Oh, take your time.

Yeah, really breathe it in.

Fuck. (chuckles)

Now, your eyes

are saying cost model,

but your lips are saying
"I don't know dick

about management consulting."

No, say it.

I get it.

But you should say it.

Make you feel better.
Say it.

No, I get it, asshole.


I will crush.

MARTY: Bye, Ron.
(door opens)

(door closes)
(robotically): Uh... oh, what...

what do we do in this situation?

We are not programmed
to improvise.

Our heads are made of gears!

MARTY: We, uh, uh, we are fumbling.
We are...

breaking down.

Uh... uh, oh.
Uh, shall we...what should we...

Uh, uh, oh, uh, oh.
Uh, oh.

Hi. I'm so sorry.

I got sick in the car
on the way over,

but I'm better now.

Ah, Jeannie.
Uh, you're glowing.

Uh, please tell me
something good,

because Marty here
has completely freaked me out.

What? Derek...

I have an implementation for you

that is going to make you fall
even deeper in love with me.

May not be possible.


Let's give it a shot.

Okay. Whip it out.

(clears throat)

Start here.


(door opens, cat meowing)

You're home early.

I don't know how you
expect to make

the big money doing that.

Fine, Dad.
Marty let us out.

Did you open my door again?

Look, Natalie Portman
happens to like it

in your room.
Ah, no, no.

Probably the last time
you ever heard that.

Get the fuck out!

Get out.
Please get the fuck out.


Dad, we talked about this.

Now there's gonna be
cat hair and dander

all over my fucking pillows.

You know how much of a nancy boy

you sound like
when you say that, right?

I sound like a nancy boy.

And why didn't you
return my texts?

During the day, I'm very
busy, okay, so if you

can ease up on the texts,
that would help me a lot.

Don't... (sighs)

Listen, I know you're trying
to enjoy this time of yours.

I'm sorry.
Just please,

close the door.
How hard is that?

I just need a little bit of help
with the computer. That's all.

Oh, my fucking God.
Are you serious?

You needed me to help you
figure out the computer

so you could watch porno?

Clyde, I'm dying.

Oh, no.
Would you deny

your dying father
la petite mort?

No, you're not allowed
to speak French on top of it.

Well, I've certainly walked in
on you before, right?

That's when I was 15.

It's the circle.

Oh, my God.

We return, we return.

So much death in this family.

That's what it is.
No, no, no.

You're not allowed to justify
your jacking off with cancer

and the Holocaust, Dad.

Do you fucking realize
how crazy that is?

Okay, I am trying my best

to get past everything
that has happened in our family

and to sympathize

with your situation.


You know that I care about you.

I... I am fucking trying, man.

You know something?
I don't need your sympathy.

How about just
a little bit of deference

for the man whose shpritz

gave you life?

Sh... It's...

Okay, Dad, you got to find
a new place to stay,

starting tomorrow.

(Natalie Portman meowing)


Hey, there.

Guess I know why you're here.

Ron's not happy.


really fucking mad.

(both chuckle)

I didn't know that, when you
were that fucking crazy,

you still had emotions.

I know he can be
a pain sometimes,

but he's made a ton
of money for Global.

And he'll do the same for you

if I can talk him
into ever coming back here.

Denna, you know how I run
my business, okay?

I don't need somebody looking
over my fucking shoulder.

Now, if this Al Haig asshole...

Marty, calm down.

Isn't this what we discussed?

Making K and A huge?

Yeah. Kaan and Associates.

He's an expert
at building companies.

But you're right, Marty.

Ron doesn't have
any feelings to get

tangled up in-- unlike you.

Oh, this is gonna be fantastic.

Um, what exactly do you mean?

(chuckles) Asks the man
who forked over half his company

to a woman who, in turn,
sent him to federal prison.

We talked about that, Denna.

Marty, I like you,

but I don't have any
complicated feelings

about what we're doing here.

Business is business.

Oh, my God, I've got to
needlepoint that on a pillow.

Now, what... "Business is..."
What was the second part?


So, which victory
means more to you?

Saying "fuck you"
to my turnaround artist

or making serious
fuck-you money?


I want you to really picture
what it is you want most

and ask yourself,
"What is that worth?"

Okay, wait, wait, wait, so...

so, wait.

When exactly are you due?

Three weeks from tomorrow.



She's almost here.

So I'm gonna be a...

be an uncle all over again.

I'm cool with that.

No need to have any of your own.

Easy there, big papa. Easy.
(light laughter)

I want to make a toast.

But, you know,
I should have some...

Yeah, that ain't gonna happen.

Give him a little drinky drink.

All right.


To Jeannie

and my new baby sis.

May she grow

and flourish and...

just be loved.

And, of course,

be, like,
extremely well dressed.

Well, I think,
having you as a big bro-sis,

there's not a chance

that she'll ever look anything
other than fabulous.

"Big bro-sis."

I like that.

I-I think I just heard
my dad's aorta explode.

Little bit.

Little bit. Little bit.
Yeah. You saw that?

That's what that was.

Well, to...
to Jeannie...

and Marty.

And your happiness, hmm?

Whatever form

that may take.


all I can say is that we
want that for the both of you.

And to this new person, well...

...we will love her


...and unconditionally.

True words.

That's beautiful, Pop.

Come on. Let's put 'em up.

Come on.
Let's put 'em up.


Very nice words for the girl
who blew up your lives.

This was so delicious.

(clears throat)
I really, really liked it.

I unfortunately
did double-book tonight.

And it's a work thing,
so I do have to run.

But, um, thank you so much.

Appreciate everything,
and thank you

so much for the hospitality.

Hey, Jeannie, what are you...?
(Jeannie sniffles)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where are you going?

I can't do this, Marty.

Yeah, it's too late.

Not this; the...
your family and...

I can't... have them

treating me so nice
when even I hate me.

I can't...

It's time, okay?
It's fucking time.

We've been acting out
like a couple of teenagers.

Yes, but maybe th-that's exactly how we're...
No... no, no, no, no, no.

We're not gonna do it anymore.

We're not, okay?

We're gonna keep
our shit together

in front of this kid.

In front of both of these kids.

We can do that.

Let's just...
you know, be grown-ups.

And you don't get to walk away

every time you
feel something, Jeannie.

Wow. Did that just come
out of Marty Kaan's mouth?

You just said that to me?

I heard myself say it, too.
It's weird.

Uh, you heard it, right?
It's weird.

(chuckles softly)

I mean it.

Ooh, shit.

(chuckles) She's...


Ninja fetus.


Come on.




I told them I was having
pregnancy issues.

That should shut 'em up.

And now I would like to know
what is for dessert.

Of course.
(Jeremiah chuckling)

How about...

blackberry cobbler.

So glad I stayed.

Blacker the berry,
the sweeter the juice.

And right on time.
Right on time.

She likes what she likes.
He's not wrong.

How big a piece do
you want, Jeannie?

Jeremiah, I don't think
you have a piece big enough.

Are you serious?

I am.

Okay, well...
how is that?

I'll start with that,

but you're going to need
two other cobblers, I think.

Oh, stop it.

♪ Stay with me, be a friend ♪

♪ This street's so cold ♪

♪ And my mind
is full of ghosts ♪

♪ Come on, now,
we'll take your car ♪

♪ Nights are long
and I'm feeling lonely ♪

♪ Look after me ♪

♪ It hurts ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Stay with me tonight ♪

♪ We can count ♪

♪ The streetlights ♪

♪ Stay with me all right ♪

♪ Let's bring it all
back to life ♪

♪ Don't fade away, just stay. ♪