House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 4, Episode 7 - The Next Olive Branch Goes Straight Up Your Ass - full transcript

Difficulties arise when a payment is not received from a consult; Clyde's estranged father visits.

(Phone rings)

Holy shit.

Previously on House of Lies...

There in the fine print,

it clearly states that
if the Gage stock price

reaches $200 per share

before our payday,

we will be on the receiving end
of a $9.2 million bonus.

Holy shit.

Doug: Kelsey said she
made you an offer

to come in-house
for their company.

I am seriously considering it.

Why would you consider that?

Marty has asked me to leave

once the Gage business
is wrapped up.


(School bell ringing)

Come on, let's play, um,

what did I do today
instead of going to school?

Did your parents know

your every move
when you were my age?

Definitely not.

You did what you wanted.

I want you to be happy.

But you're not happy.

Dad, you're having

another kid.

You don't even acknowledge it.

Because 150 years from now,

your company is not going
to be smaller.


It's going to be bigger.

Fucking huge,
am I right, Jeannie?

100% Marty Kaan correct.

Never more correct

than at this very moment.

Oh, hells yeah.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.
You don't run

from competition, no.

You crush it.

You wound it

and intentionally leave it
to be devoured

by hungry demons
from a hideous waking nightmare.

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

To die a slow
and horrible death,

watching as its own viscera

is-is torn to shreds

in a rabid feeding frenzy
of hungry jackals.

You-you saw what
we did for Gage Motors.

Well, we're gonna double down for
blah, blah, blah incorporated.

Blah, blah, blah, blah,
fucking blah.

Am I right, gentlemen?

Mr. Kaan,

I am so impressed by...

Now that we're
off the shit list,

we back to big balling, baby.

(Chuckles) Since we
killed it at Gage Motors,

it doesn't even matter
what I say anymore.

Everybody just wants a piece
of that Marty Kaan magic.

So what is this piece
of business?

Who are they?

What's their corporate culture?

Will we land that precious

200k initial consult fee?

(Inhales deeply)

Who fucking cares

about any of it?

Because today,

today is payday, motherfucker.

$2.5 million in fees

and, thanks to Martymar

keeping his pimp hand
seriously strong

and nailing that heretofore
impossible to-hit

Gage Motors
$200 per share stock number,

K and A is picking up an extra
$9.2 million equity piece.


It is the holy fucking grail.

The ultimate score.

We are out of the woods

and into the light.

(Elevator bell dings)

And payday, oh, is payback day.


Finally, we get to kick out
these 20-year-old assholes

who've been cluttering up
our office.

Get out! Get the fuck out!

Sue me if you don't like
your lease terms.

Kick fucking rocks.

I think I'm gonna hire
a full-time chef.

Yeah, and a masseuse.

Pick up some associates,
work them to death,

make millions on the backs
of their meager salaries.

Poach some senior talent
from another struggling firm,

grind our enemies and detractors
into a bloody fucking pulp.

In other words,

business as usual.

So I'll show you my boards
and explain what I'm doing

with the discreet coding,
and then we'll incorporate

your "Journeyline"

or whatever you call it.
You know what, I'm actually

the Journeyline guy, so you
don't have to look over there.

I still don't feel
right about it.

Doug, it doesn't matter
what you order for takeout.

Uh, I wish that were true.

See, the thing is,
if we were in New York,

it'd be a no-brainer, right?

Say it with me.


Easy, but here, the Chinese
takeout lacks a certain...

(Sputters) I don't know.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Yeah, it matters, Clyde.

How does it matter, Doug?

"How does it matter?"

When we look back

on the formation
of this company,

our first bouncing baby app,

we're gonna say, "Hey,
you remember when it all began

and Doug ordered...
mu gu gai pan?"

Which I would never do,
by the way.

I mean, could you even...
Okay, I got to stop you right there.

First, please, shut the fuck up.


I have to go pick up
my asshole father

at the asshole airport

in fucking asshole
rush hour traffic.

So I am out.

Let's shoot for tomorrow, okay?

Well, I need this to happen,

so I'll be here
unless Marty opens fire on us.

Doug, I trust
your takeout instincts.

Really? Okay.

All right, whatever.

Just tell me
where you land, okay?

I'm huge.

No, you're...

exactly where you should be.

I just open my mouth

and eat everything in my path.

What's up?

Look, I know things
are awkward between us,

and just everything,

but we are taking off in a way

that we haven't ever before.

The company, I mean.

And I really want to stay.

I know my payday will float me
for a while,

but I don't want that.

I want to double down.

I want to stay.

Well, that's not...

I mean, no.

I mean, at least

until I'm a little
less pregnant,

so I could walk into a place

and (chuckles)
have kind of a shot at...

You didn't hear me?

I just, I just said no.

And since when did you saying no

mean no in perpetuity
throughout the universe?

Uh, since I said no
when you asked me the last time,

and I meant it.

You know what, I am

a bloated Hindenburg
full of hormones right now.

So I need you
to fucking hear me, Marty.


I need two minutes of you

just hearing me

without you being a complete
and total fucking asshole to me.

Do you think
that's even possible?

For you to stop being
such a fucking asshole

and shaming me
for even being alive?

I g... I don't know.

Two minutes, let's see. Go.

No! No. I just...

I just said you have to stop

being such
a motherfucking asshole,

and you're still being
a motherfucking asshole.

Will you calm down?
Can you please,

please, just stop?

I'm trying, Jeannie!

Okay, this is me trying
right now.


(Sighs heavily)


Okay. (Clears throat)





have you forgotten

that I am a 50% shareholder
in this company?

No. Not at all.

Have you forgotten that
you sent me to fucking prison?

Oh, wow, you're a child.

How long was that?

Oh, it was three seconds.

You know, at what point

have I said enough our fathers
to repent for that?

I made a drastically terrible

and virtually
unforgivable mistake.


Virtually, huh?

Fuck off, Marty.

You cry loyalty and betrayal
whenever it suits you,

but I have seen you do a lot
of unforgivable shit yourself.

Guess what?

The people that I've done it to

still haven't forgiven me.


If you don't want to work
next to me,

then maybe I'll buy you out.


You're gonna buy me out?

Of Kaan and Associates?


Sorry to interrupt.

I... oy.

Very heavy in here.

Ah, it feels...

Well, I'm not sure.

It's like pain and anger,

both maybe, but sadness, too.

Jesus Christ, Doug.
Go ahead, Doug, what?

Yeah. I just wanted to say
that the wire transfer from Gage

is gonna be in
by end of bid-ness, baby.

Yow. And then we're
gonna be rolling in it.

Am I right? What is...

Oh. You want me
in or out?

Just out. Yeah, stay on it.
Out, okay.

I'm on it.

I'm not leaving, Marty.

You're gonna have
to serve me papers,

and that won't mean
a fucking thing,

because I'm a 50% shareholder
and you're a felon.

(Door opens)

Clyde: Really?

A fucking...

Let's watch the lip there,
buddy, okay?

Yeah, well,
you know that I'm allergic.

No, as a matter of fact,
I didn't know that.

Because you haven't let me see
you over the past two years.

Well, I was also allergic
two years ago, dad.

How about that?

Look, she's a service cat,
all right.

She gives me a lot of comfort service...



You know, that stuff
is all in the mind.

Have you read Sarno?

That's about back pain, dad.

Also all in the mind.

Okay, you know what, I got a
real intense work week coming up

and my place is not that big,
so what do you say

I put you up somewhere?
That sound good?

Seriously? Seriously?

After everything
our family's endured

you're gonna
put me up someplace?

That's just great.

Oh, my God,
are we there already?

Because that was fast.

That might've been the
fewest moves you've ever taken

to get to the holocaust
in your entire life.

Yet here we are.

There we go, the holocaust.

Mr. Holocaust Jokester.

That's so very amusing.
Can we just

press pause on the holocaust
for maybe 30 seconds?

Is that okay?
I wish.

All I'm saying
is there's probably

a win-win out there, huh?

A nice cat-friendly hotel.

We'll get some breakfast.

A hotel, yeah, that'd be great.

I'm gonna drop dead

in some Gomorrah flophouse.

What are you talking about?

Stage four pancreatic, wise ass.

Weeks, not months.

So I'm most likely not gonna be
putting you out for too long.

(Cat meows)

Ellis, Marty.

Uh, I'm starting to think
you're avoiding me.

Listen, it is definitely
end of business, and somehow

this wire transfer has yet to,

uh, find its way
into our account.

Now, I'm sure it's just
a clerical error,

but, uh, you know K and A
needs that money,

so give me a call.

My man.

You finally gonna start
paying rent?

Ah, no.

I found these in Roscoe's room.


Oh, you think I'm walking around
with G-rolls like this?

How much is this?

That's ten K.

This is a roll of five K.

You know, there's about
two grand, loose,

still in his drawer.

What the fuck are you doing
going through Roscoe's shit?

Hey, I know the kind of stuff

that we were doing at his age,

so I'm just looking out
for the little man.

Don't spend it all
in one place, bro.

So you just

click on the doctor's name,

and you get a bio
and pic instantly.

That's great.

Look at that,
and some little fun facts.

I love that.

Look at this guy, a Harvard man.


'Cause I went there.

To Harvard.
Yeah, I-I know.

Oh, no, I wasn't saying,
I didn't meant that, uh...

You-you don't have
to try so hard.

I already like you.

(Cat meowing)
Oh, my God.

Did the cat just...

Look, she gets nervous,
that's all.

It's okay.

I'm sorry that you have
to go through...

Yeah, well, you know,
I was thinking that you and I

could spend some time together,
you know what I mean?

I mean, I'm probably gonna be
checking out for good

in a month, maybe two tops.

No more goddamn chemo for me.

Oh, it smells so bad.

Oh, I might throw up.

I'm sorry, dad, I'm trying,
but I'm gonna throw up.

(Wind pulsates)

Look, could you...

It keeps going
whomp-whomp-whomp, you know?

I just can't take it.
Well, just put yours down

a little bit.

(Pulsating stops)

Okay, don't worry about it, dad.

(Pulsating resumes)
We're good.

Now it's just going
whomp-whomp-whomp on this side.

Put yours up.

You just told me--
put it down.

I made a mistake, you can
put it up now, I apologize.

Up, down, up and down.

Jesus, what do you want?

(Window closes, pulsating stops)

You're really gonna smoke
a pipe in my car right now?

I'm packing it.

You see me smoking?

I'm packing the pipe.

So in addition to phase
one beta interactivity,

we'll tease out phase
two for the geeks.

Oh, that's awesome.

Check that out--
as a geek,

I can tell you
that geeks will love that.

Oh, I know, right?

- Yeah. - You have to put in pieces
that are geek specific

so you grab the early adopters.

Smart, yeah.

(Keyboard clacking)

What's that?

Hold on, I don't get it.

Oh, is it too geeky?

Yeah, maybe.

Even for me.

Uh, okay, well...

I think maybe if I just
adjust the image a little,

make it a little more like...



that's awesome.

I love that.

(Keyboard clacking)

Do you like it when a
girl licks your ass?



Oh, God.


Ellis, it's your old
prison buddy, Marty Kaan, again.

(Door opens)
Okay? Give me a call.

(Door closes)

Oh, hey, dad.
Hey, man.

You selling drugs?


I don't care how you're
selling them, okay?

No, dad, bags.



Oh, God.







That was...
(Keyboard clacking)

I mean, that was incredible.

It was...
it was magical.

Did you want to...
talk about it, or...?

I'm good.

Great. Yeah, me, too.


Do you want to talk
about the fee structures?


Yeah, oh, my God, that's crazy.

I was just about to say,
"Do you want to talk

about fee

It's pretty funny we're
f-finishing each other's...


That's funny.

Yeah, so, hey, uh, why don't
I get some, uh, miso soup?

And a little more sake?


get back to work?






Well, bags.

I just hate
the word "purses."

Where are you getting them?

Santee Alley.

Like, ten blocks away.

And you're making
this kind of bank?

It's huge.

Is it illegal?

Uh, I mean, the bags
are knockoffs, but...

Do the people that you're
selling them to know that?

Whose idea was it?



Okay, well, you're
gonna stop it.


Roscoe, Roscoe.

I'm not playing
with you, man, okay?

I'm on probation.

How long was that?

Till you made it about you.

Oh, no, sorry.

- What? - You do not get to do
that with this, all right?

This is an illegal
thing that you're doing.

And I know you've learned a
handy tool from your grandpa

about how to turn the
tables on an argument,

and you're using my big
fat reservoir of guilt

about getting sent
to prison, but no.


Not with this thing.

You're gonna stop
selling the bags.

And I won't make you
give all the money back.

But I'm keeping this.

Hey, a good consultant
always takes a fee.



(Imitating Roscoe):

I'm kidding.

And that's a good
instinct, actually.

I mean, you saw a nice
piece of business,

you took advantage
of it-- not bad.

But you're gonna give
it a rest, right?

I will.

All right, get out
of here, Rockefeller.




(Phone beeps)

(Line ringing)

(Clears throat)

Automated voice:
The mailbox is full

and cannot accept
any messages at this time...

Son of a bitch.

(Line ringing)


Are you gonna start
Facebook stalking me next?


Yeah, I think you know I'm here.

Yeah, you want
that big ol' payday.

Yeah, I do.

I'd want it, too.


I would feel like
my very life depended on it,

but it doesn't.

Can you please just tell me
when the money is coming, Ellis?

Gage put K and A back
on the map,

that should be more
than enough payment.

I really hope
you're joking around, man,

because we're in a deep fucking
hole, and you know that.

Thanks in part to you, Marty,
our pockets are deep.

It would take a titan to be able

to afford
to challenge us legally.

I'm pretty sure
you're not that titan.

Thanks to me,
your company is hot again.

And you can use that to book
all the business you need.

Are you fucking kidding me, man?

Heard you landed
the Wasserman account.

You're welcome.


(Phone beeps)

You motherfucker.

Monica: Phil, I think that's...
that's perfect.

Ellis: Yeah.
Monica: I love it, I do.

Marty, we were just
talking about you.

All good things, really.

Oh, my God, it's Shamu.

You got to be
fucking kidding me.

Jesus Christ.

Should have saw
this one coming, huh?

And yet you didn't,
you dumbshit.

Oh, look, they brought counsel.


Hey, you owe us money!

And we want it, all of us!

We all want it.

That money that you owe us.
Doug, Doug.

How do you make it
through the day?

Listen, Ellis.

We get it, okay?

You're the big dog
with the big company

and the penis-shaped car.

S-so here we all are

confirming how big
and powerful you are

by coming all the way
to your offices

to make our special plea.

I got it.

You need to step up and
pay us the money, bitch.

You see?

She's verbally abusive.
And physically.

Come on.
Monica: Listen, peons,

Ellis Hightower,

Dante Valerio and Gage Motors

could out-litigate Jesus
Christ if they wanted to.

But you're not gonna try
that, are you, Marty?

Who the fuck are you right now?

Ah, so sad.

You just came up here hoping
an emotional plea

over your salad-tossing days
in the can would sway Ellis.

(Clicking tongue)

You got me.

Yeah, I got you, and I got you.

And I got you, and I got you.

Yeah, everyone gets me.

So our friendship-- that just
means nothing to you?


Ellis: That's super
funny, dude.

Are you talking
about the friendship

you cynically manufactured

while I was especially
vulnerable in prison

to get my business?

I don't know what level
of hell you're residing in

that you think
you can fuck me over

in this particular way, Monica.

Oh, really?

This is nice.


Never heard that.

Shouldn't we just make
this a conjugal visit?

Since we...

Keep your hands in plain view.


Heil Hitler.

I'm just trying to give the guy
a little mercy handjob.

Hey, Monica.

What's up?

I should just get
right to the point

because you have things to do.


Breaking big rocks
into smaller rocks.

Getting ass-raped.
Mo, mo.


Well, I was thinking I would
do something with Roscoe.

I think I'm gonna take him
to New York for Fashion Week,

and then Ibiza for my
friend Timmy's party.

Are you fucking crazy?

Timmy loves the transgenders.

And he will get a kick out of Roscoe.

He'll get a kick out of him?

Well, he's got school, okay?
So there's that.

Okay, so he writes a report
about it or something.

A report about rolling
on e with his mom?

Just 'cause you're in
prison doesn't mean

you have to go
all Mr. Morality.

You know what, mo?

Uh, we're good, okay?

Pop's got it covered.


So I'll just take him to
Fashion Week, and then...

Are you...
You can't...? No, no.

No Fashion Week, no Ibiza.

How about taking him to get
a fucking frappuccino, okay?

Or-or see a movie,
you know,

something that a normal mom
would do with their son?

Well, that's not
really my style.

Right, because you're
an addict and a sociopath

and a fucking unfit parent.

Says the convicted felon.

Why are you here?

Why don't you just
get the fuck out?

Do you even know him?

He loves fashion.

And he would love
Ibiza, actually.

And maybe, just maybe, it
would help get his mind

off of the fact that his
father is in fucking prison.

Okay, I'm done, I'm ready to go.

No, he's not.

I'd rather be in my locked cell
than stuck here

with this crazy bitch.

You know what?
Fine, Marty.


But the next olive branch
goes straight up your ass.

Fuck you.

Clyde: How about this?
How about

we sit down and actually
talk this shit through?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Nah, this is how we'll do it.

This? This is your
brilliant consultation?

How to save $11 million
right off the top.

Don't pay for work

that you signed
a contract to recei...

Holy shit, the noise.

It's like a wild
parrot, it's just,

"Squawk, squawk."

You are a psychopath.

And you have no goddamn
business telling me

I'm on shaky legal ground
after you defrauded...

You need to shut
your fucking mouth.

Or what? What's
mommy gonna do?

You gonna bring the
abortion with you?

Or are you just gonna
leave it with a nanny?

Come on, Jeannie, let's...
let's just go.



Oh! Oh...!
Oh, shit!

Ow, my hand.


Oh, my hand.

(Monica groans)

Oh, my...

Oh, my God, you broke my nose.

Why am I so turned on right now?

Me, too.

Marty, let's go.

Monica: Oh, my God,
you broke my nose, you bitch!

I'm actually scared
of you right now.


Oh, God.

Marty: Oh, we're gonna make
these motherfuckers bleed.

You said "we."

I did?

I didn't hear that.